Lost track of what CD we’re on

After three weeks of birth control, I went back to the RE office today for the moment of truth – an ultrasound to see if we’re ready to start again. It does look like my ovaries are “calm”, as the nurse put it. So they drew blood, and so long as my estrogen is low there will be no more birth control for me – that means my next cycle should start in a day or two and then we start our injections probably Sunday or Monday night.

It feels like everywhere on my facebook page, everywhere in my life, every single day working at my job, I see other people who have kids or who are having kids… sometimes multiple kids. And I can’t even get pregnant with one, even after $8000 and nine months of trying, even after weeks of injections and blood draws and ultrasounds.

So one of my brothers is in Europe today, on his year-long trip around the world. The other is in Hawaii, on his honeymoon. And I am sitting in the fertility clinic for the hundred jillionth time, just hoping that maybe I don’t have to take birth control tonight.

It feels so very, very unfair that I seem to be the only one who can’t have a baby. All my life I’ve been the mother figure to everyone else – to friends, to partners, to family, to the kids at the daycare center where I worked in high school, and even now, to the staff I supervise. People have always looked to me to lean on and help them solve their problems and give them affirmation and security and comfort. Yet they then move on to become real mothers themselves, and I can’t. My body is somehow broken. It feels so unfair I can barely stand it.

And I feel like such a selfish, ungracious, ugly person, because I’m making the happiness of others around me all about my own jealousy and unhappiness. I’m so sad. And, of course, I know that feeling jealous and depressed is only going to reduce my already pathetic fertility so that makes it worse.

So I’m not going to let my pity-party last for long. There’s just no good in it, and it doesn’t get me any closer to what I want. Sometime this week I’m going to go to Wells Fargo and sit down with a loan specialist, as they’re running a “sale” on their loans this month. I figure if I am going to have to take out an $11K loan to do the Greek trip I might as well do it now – we only have one more shot at the injectibles anyway, and then Greece is our last resort.

So I’ll let myself feel like crap today, but only for today ... because starting tomorrow, we gear up for another battle. 

In the meantime, a pic of Kaitlin and I at my brother's wedding: