CD3 – Another BFN, Another Delay

I’ve been feeling so down this past week I haven’t even bothered to blog. But here’s the scoop: Kaitlin got laid off on Thursday. On Monday, I got my period – even though I was on progesterone, which has never happened to me before. So, BFN. Then this morning, I went into the doctor for my CD3 ultrasound, and wouldn’t you know it, I have leftover follicles again. So three weeks of birth control now, before we can tackle our final injectables cycle.

I guess the delay is okay seeing as how Kaitlin’s laid off anyway and it gives me the chance to do a little catchup on the debt from last month’s $3000ish cycle. And it means we don’t have to figure out how to juggle injections and ultrasounds during Battlemoor (a big SCA camping event) this weekend.

But frankly, I am just so tired and sad. There’s drama going on at work, too, with members of my staff going through their own family emergencies and two staff whose roles I’m revising and training and my staff having basically sabotaged all of our managers’ efforts to get us another pair of hands to help us out next year… and I am just done, today. Just done. I don’t want to do anything except go home and bury myself in Korean drama, puppy cuddles, and absolute laziness.

But there’s another day of work to get through, and then two days at least of Battlemoor. I do want to see my Laurel and apprentice family, but honestly they’re the only reasons I’m going. And I’m probably going to mostly just lurk and do nothing for most of the time. I feel crappy and sad and tired. I’m not in an SCA-ing mood. And I’m always so exhausted after them. Even though we’re leaving on Sunday (and thank God I have Monday off for the holiday) I’m still really just going to get a one-day weekend before heading back to work again next week.

My boss also asked me this morning if everything was okay, since I’d had so many doctor appointments this year. So I just told her that we were TTC, and all the trouble we’d been having, and gave her a basic idea of our future plans: this next attempt is our last one, and then we take a few months off to recover financially and we’re going to Greece for a donor egg cycle.  She was supportive, which was really great, and it sounds like she had to conceive at least one of her kids via IVF so she knows what it’s like.

That’s good, I guess.

Kaitlin’s heading to Battlemoor this afternoon, so I’ll be alone tonight. I’m kind of looking forward to it, because I can go to bed as early as I want, I can watch K-drama all night if I want, I can eat whatever I want and be as miserable as I want without making her miserable too.

I just have to make it through the rest of this work day…

IUI#5 CD26 10DPI – Today is not my day

I feel like I’m going to cry today. Super emotional, and of course it’s impossible to tell if that’s a pregnancy symptom or a PMS symptom because they’re both so similar.

Took a pregnancy test last night, and again this morning – both negative. Found out yesterday evening that Kaitlin’s contract ended, so she lost her job – thankfully my job is doing okay for now, but with that and Battlemoor coming up (I’m trying to be excited, really I am, but I’m just not feeling it…) and my brother getting married next month (they’re planning to start trying for kids right away) I’m feeling really depressed today.

It’s still really early – only 10DPI – so it’s entirely possible I could still get a positive test over the weekend or even into next week. But I am dreading spending Battlemoor on my period, with yet another failed cycle and $2200 on my credit card and another month of injections to look forward to with less income… I just feel like I could go home and cry my eyes out, but I can’t because I need to be here at work getting things done.

This work week has been insane; I’ve been hopping all day long, every day, with barely a minute to breathe, much less eat. I am exhausted and feeling kind of hopeless, like there’s really nothing to look forward to in the foreseeable future. I don’t have any vacation coming up; this next holiday weekend gets spent sitting around outside in the sun and the rain and the bugs with pretty much nothing to do, in uncomfortable clothes, just waiting for the event to be over… my brother’s wedding – while I am so happy for him and I love Johanna, my new sister in law, and am looking forward to being there for them on their really awesome day – I can’t help being frustrated. I want to be gracious and loving and just simply happy for my brother, and instead I feel so selfish and horrible.

Maybe I don’t deserve to be a mom??

Or maybe, and more likely, fate is just indifferent altogether. Women who don’t want and shouldn’t be having children have more than they know what to do with, while I can’t get pregnant with even one, not even after spending thousands of dollars trying.

I feel heartbroken and haven’t even gotten a BFN yet this cycle.

I can barely pay attention enough to answer questions from my boss. We’re shorthanded today at work. I am so depressed I can barely stand it, yet there’s nothing to do but keep marching on through the day.

One small glimmer of happiness is that my publisher set the publication date for my next book to March 2015. That’s much sooner than November, which is what they originally told me. It means I’ll have the book out in time for next year’s Pride. So I guess I do have something to look forward to, even if it’s seven months away. I’ll just have to hang on to that for now.

IUI#5 CD16 0DPI - ROUND FIVE!

IUI #5 kicked off this morning. Kaitlin came to the appointment with me today. And I'm feeling optimistic, much more so than last cycle. I have a very thick lining, and at least two good-sized follies; and our new donor's sample was nearly twice the volume of the last one (.9ml instead of .45) and had over 22 million motile swimmers (compared to 7.4 million in the last one). So with three times the swimmers and an even better lining, I am hopeful that we've got a good chance this round.

Plus, I had a dream last night about giving birth and breastfeeding. :P Good sign??

This one cycle has cost nearly $3000, between needing two 900IU vials of Follistim instead of one, and needing more office visits than last time, and having to order more swimmers. It would be really, really nice if this was the one that took. Most of the forum posters who have had success with injectables say that their second injectable round was the lucky one... so I'm holding on to hope. At this point it feels like we've been waiting for a BFP for so long that if it does show up it won't feel real. I've had so many dreams about seeing those two pink lines... if/when it happens I think it's going to feel like I must still be dreaming.

So let's see... if we get pregnant this time, due date will be May 5th. Cinco de Mayo baby! Even better, his/her birthdate would be 5-5-15. LOL... And hey, it also means that I'd have May/June/July off of work for maternity leave, and that's a delightful prospect.

The cramping hasn't started yet, but I'm expecting it to show up in an hour or so. I'm really looking forward to the TWW this time, as it means a reprieve from daily shots and every-other-day blood draws. The insides of my poor elbows are black and blue right now! The nurse also called in a refill of progesterone, so I'll be back to taking that this time around. Since my LP last month was only 10 days it seems like the smartest course of action.  Admittedly, it was nice to have my definitive answer sooner, as it meant we could move onto the next round more quickly. But if a longer wait is the price I have to pay to be sure I don't miscarry a potentially successful pregnancy, then it's worth it. So progesterone starts on Friday night... and then we just have to wait and see. Our test date will be 8/28. Fingers crossed!

IUI#5 CD15 - IUI Tomorrow!

Life has been a whirlwind the past week or two, and I haven't had much time to update.

I've been on the Follistim a little longer, I think, than last time, and the doses have been a lot higher - we never got below 125IU/night, which meant that I had to purchase TWO 900IU vials this time around. This cycle is a lot more expensive than the ones before, with double the meds and ordering more swimmers. SIGH.

But, I had an ultrasound yesterday morning (Sunday) and have three decent-sized follies; one of them is somewhere around 20mm all by itself. So they had us do the trigger shot last night, and the IUI procedure (with our new swimmers) will be tomorrow morning. Hoping against hope that this is the one, especially since it was so darned expensive.

If not, we have one more round of injectables before we start packing our bags and pinching our pennies for a trip to Greece...

In the meantime, I am looking forward to a week or two without doctor appointments and injections. Funny how the TWW starts to feel like a vacation from TTC. :P

We celebrated Kaitlin's unbirthday last Friday - I took her to an exotic car test-driving place and she got to drive a $300,000 fancy sports car. She enjoyed herself thoroughly. :) That was followed by alcohol-infused cupcakes, a movie, dinner at Joe's Crab Shack and a comedy show at the Improv. All in all, a very fun day. Saturday I had a writer's event with a local LGBT fiction group, held at a local lesbian-owned coffeehouse. We had a relatively small turnout, but a lot of good conversation. And I spent yesterday vegging out at home (after the ultrasound and a couple of hours of overdue yard maintenance.)

The work week has started again and I don't feel ready. I have several big pieces on my plate today, including coordinating a temp to work in our file room, and a ton of afternoon meetings. I don't feel like touching any of them, but I need to get started or I won't have enough time to get through everything. Off I go, then...