IUI#5 CD16 0DPI - ROUND FIVE!

IUI #5 kicked off this morning. Kaitlin came to the appointment with me today. And I'm feeling optimistic, much more so than last cycle. I have a very thick lining, and at least two good-sized follies; and our new donor's sample was nearly twice the volume of the last one (.9ml instead of .45) and had over 22 million motile swimmers (compared to 7.4 million in the last one). So with three times the swimmers and an even better lining, I am hopeful that we've got a good chance this round.

Plus, I had a dream last night about giving birth and breastfeeding. :P Good sign??

This one cycle has cost nearly $3000, between needing two 900IU vials of Follistim instead of one, and needing more office visits than last time, and having to order more swimmers. It would be really, really nice if this was the one that took. Most of the forum posters who have had success with injectables say that their second injectable round was the lucky one... so I'm holding on to hope. At this point it feels like we've been waiting for a BFP for so long that if it does show up it won't feel real. I've had so many dreams about seeing those two pink lines... if/when it happens I think it's going to feel like I must still be dreaming.

So let's see... if we get pregnant this time, due date will be May 5th. Cinco de Mayo baby! Even better, his/her birthdate would be 5-5-15. LOL... And hey, it also means that I'd have May/June/July off of work for maternity leave, and that's a delightful prospect.

The cramping hasn't started yet, but I'm expecting it to show up in an hour or so. I'm really looking forward to the TWW this time, as it means a reprieve from daily shots and every-other-day blood draws. The insides of my poor elbows are black and blue right now! The nurse also called in a refill of progesterone, so I'll be back to taking that this time around. Since my LP last month was only 10 days it seems like the smartest course of action.  Admittedly, it was nice to have my definitive answer sooner, as it meant we could move onto the next round more quickly. But if a longer wait is the price I have to pay to be sure I don't miscarry a potentially successful pregnancy, then it's worth it. So progesterone starts on Friday night... and then we just have to wait and see. Our test date will be 8/28. Fingers crossed!

IUI#4 CD11 Triggering tonight

I've been taking Follistim shots every night for the last... oh... eight nights. After the first three 150IU doses, I had some bloodwork and an ultrasound and they lowered my dose to 75IU. More bloodwork and an ultrasound on Sunday, which showed two follies - one at 15 mm and one at 13 mm. Another round of bloodwork and ultrasound yesterday morning (Tuesday), which showed three follies - 21mm, 17mm and 16mm. The bloodwork shows my estrogen levels are continuously rising, though I'm not sure what that means; I get the impression that it's what the doc uses to determine my dosages. Anyway, the nurse called me yesterday afternoon and lowered my dose to 50IU for last night. Tonight we do the Ovidrel trigger, and IUI number four is scheduled for Friday morning.

I am so tired of getting poked with needles!! Seriously. Kaitlin's mom was visiting us over the weekend and we had to do a couple of the injections while she was there, which was a bit off-putting for me since I usually freak out before the needle goes in, and I felt really self-conscious about freaking out so ridiculously in front of someone else. :P But we made it through this round, and now I only have one more injection to deal with until we're back in the TWW again.

I don't think I've ever had a follie get larger than 20mm, so I'm excited about that. I don't know if the other two will ovulate also, but three big ones doesn't seem bad - and, my lining is thicker and nicer than I've ever seen it before, since the Clomid wasn't involved this time, so hoping against hope that this will be our cycle. We're on our last vial of swimmers, so if this round doesn't work we'll have to order a couple more vials - about $870 - in addition to reordering the Follistim and Ovidrel for another round.

Seven months we've been at this, with no luck yet. I know there are plenty of ladies who have waited a lot longer than that to get pregnant, but it is starting to be a little exhausting. Both Kaitlin and I are feeling like our entire future, all the plans for moving our life forward, hinge on when we are successful in getting pregnant - because getting pregnant takes so much money, we have no money to plan a wedding or do home improvements or any of the other things we want to do until we get those two pink lines. If I wasn't already so infertile we'd be working on several of those other things first (like getting married) but there's no time. If I'm going to be able to get pregnant, it has to be very, very soon, or it may never be able to happen at all. I know this is especially frustrating for Kaitlin... I know it is... but there's not really a way around it unless we want to give up on the idea of being moms altogether.

So anyway, that's where we're at. I'm tired of working long hours to make up for the time I've been out of work, so this TWW might actually feel like a reprieve - no more injections or doctor appointments for a while. Hoping to use it as a chance to recharge a little, because I've been feeling a bit hectic the last couple of weeks, like I don't have work and housekeeping and writing and all the other little elements of life as under control as I would like.

Kaitlin's unbirthday is coming up in August, though, and I already have a day full of fun stuff planned for her - I hope she enjoys it! Since her actual birthday is in December, she never really feels like she gets to celebrate since her day gets sort of lumped in with Christmas stuff. So we have decided to celebrate her birthday in August instead - an unbirthday - when it's warm and sunny and we can actually go do something fun. Which reminds me, I need to go to Kohls today and buy her birthday present before my $10 in Kohls cash expires. I got to take the day off of work too, which means a 3 day weekend for me - and it's sorely needed right now.

Did I mention that a couple weekends ago we went shopping and got Kaitlin some nice work clothes? And found her an absolutely beautiful fancy dress, that I'm going to have her wear to my brother's wedding in September. Now I need something pretty to wear too... I'm a little envious. :P

If this cycle IS the one that works, our due date will be April 10 - sounds like a great birthday to me. Fingers crossed, fingers crossed....

IUI#4 CD6 – First Progress Ultrasound

My shipment of Follistim arrived okay yesterday – when I pulled it off my porch that evening the cold packs were still cold, so I popped it in the refrigerator until injection time. After three nights in a row of injections (and last night Kaitlin hit a blood vessel so I ended up with a little more blood than usual) I went in this morning for our first in-progress ultrasound. So far there are 5 follies, with one at 11mm and one at 13mm – it sounds good to me, but I don’t really know if that’s what they’re expecting or not. They also drew blood, so I’m expecting a call this afternoon to let me know if my doses should change. I have another ultrasound appointment on Sunday morning at 8:20 – not super thrilled about getting up that early on a weekend, but it’s still better than having to come into work late.

My boss was on vacation for this past week, which was really great. For some reason, even when she’s being relatively un-scary, I still feel so much more relaxed and de-stressed when she is out. And of course, the day she got back and I started receiving emails from her again my stress level went back up. Also, I should be getting my 6-month performance review any time now, and I fully expect to take a hit because my staff have been requesting more overtime – that’s shown up as a negative on my last several reviews, with the accompanying comment that if I was better at guiding staff to work more efficiently they would not need OT (never mind the fact that their caseloads are twice the size of what can be worked in 40-hour weeks). And, we had a big client complaint earlier this year because one of my staff dropped the ball on a case, and I expect I’ll have to take a hit over that, too. I just keep trying to remind myself that as long as my overall score is above a 3, I’m okay – no matter what things my boss asks me to improve, or even whether or not they’re achievable, as long as the review doesn’t come back that I suck at my job (like that awful, awful one in 2012) then I’m okay.

I just wish that “good” would be satisfactory. And it never will be, because the folks I work for believe in constantly pushing for “better”. It’s exhausting, and while I realize I’m supposed to find it inspirational, challenging and exciting, it really just feels stressful, discouraging and impossible. They’ll never be content or let things lie. The bar is always going to be just out of reach. The older I get, the shittier that feels. I guess the only day I’ll actually feel like I can relax, that I have “arrived”, is the day that I retire. Since that day is thirty years down the road… well, it’s a little depressing.

Okay, done bitching. Back to eating the elephant one bite at a time… someday retirement will find me. Or I’ll get really, really lucky and win the lottery, write a runaway best-seller or Kaitlin will get some ridiculously high-paying job – and I can blow this pop stand and live happily as a stay-at-home mom and work-from-home fiction writer.

A girl can dream, right?

IUI#2 CD10 – I AM FERTILE AGAIN!!

Great, great news from the ultrasound this morning. I have two nice follies, one on either side, at 16 mm and 17 mm, respectively. So we are going to be able to move forward with an IUI this month.

The past few months have been pretty miserable, both on the TTC front and at work. This news has completely made my day this morning, and even all the stressful stuff going on at work can’t put a damper on my mood today. We get to do an IUI this round!! Even better, we’re doing the trigger shot at 8 PM Sunday night (Easter!), and the IUI at 8 AM Tuesday morning (the 22^nd) -  which just happens to be the day that my boss gave me off of work because of all the crazy hours I’ve been working lately. That means we get to do the IUI first thing in the morning, and then I can go home and prop my hips up all freaking day if I want.

I also talked to the nurse about my concerns about the period I had after our first IUI attempt, how dark the flow was and how little there was of it, and I told her it was very similar to the period I had after stopping birth control, so I’m wondering if my uterine lining that cycle was not very good. She said she would talk to the doctor and see about getting me progesterone this time around. I’m going to keep taking my prenatals and some extra Vitamin E and baby aspirin, as the rumor mill on the internet says they can contribute to a nicer lining. But the idea of having the progesterone too is encouraging. Pregnancy due date, if we are successful, would be January 13^th.

I am so, so excited for the next few days. I went straight from my ultrasound appointment to the pharmacy, and picked up the trigger shot so we’ll have it on hand… I love that this new pharmacy charges $90 less for the shot than the other place did… more money to spend on IUIs!

Hey, it’s April and the season for fertility, right? I’m feeling very optimistic about our chances this round. We still have three vials left to try with. I have new tires on my car and a sweet tiny dog that is no longer in danger of dying from uterine problems. For all my frustration at the wait, it seems like the universe is taking care of me. So now, fingers crossed that maybe April turns out to be the lucky month.

IUI#1 CD14 - IUI is scheduled!

I left work early yesterday afternoon, because it had started to snow heavily and I needed to get all the way downtown to pick up my Ovidrel trigger shot meds from one of the only pharmacies in town that carry it. The roads were scary --  my tiny Toyota Yaris is in desperate need of new tires and has no traction -- and it took me an hour and a half to get there, then a little while longer to actually find the pharmacy. But I did get there in time, and picked up the shot ($167.99, ouch), then spent another hour and a half in the car on the way home. Made dinner and waited anxiously for Kaitlin to make it home, because I was really hoping she would give me the shot since poking myself with a needle is frightening.

She did make it home in time. I swear I was hyperventilating and whimpering. I have a fear of pain, which usually turns out to be far worse than the actual pain itself. In this case, the needle of the Ovidrel is so tiny I actually felt no pain. Not even pinching or pressure. In fact, Kaitlin gave me a static shock with one of her kisses last night, and that hurt more than this. So I felt kind of silly, afterward, for being so scared. I also had a bit of an adrenaline rush, because I think I'd psyched myself out. Now that I know the shot isn't painful, if I have to do this again I think it will be a lot less traumatic.

So I've done the trigger shot, and my IUI is scheduled for Wednesday morning at 8 AM. I'm going to have to book it back down to work right after, because there's a meeting I have to attend at 10 - one I have to spend most of today preparing for. But then, our first two week wait (TWW) will begin... just waiting to see if I get pregnant or not. The doctor reminded me again that with two follies we could end up with twins. But she also said that my bloodwork from Saturday showed that my FSH level had gone down, from 14 to 11. It's still more elevated than they like to see, but it had improved a lot... which is a good sign and makes me hopeful.

At the IUI appointment, I need to find out if they want me on progesterone for the TWW. If they do put me on progesterone, then, I'll need to find out if a regular pregnancy test will work or if they want me to do a blood test. I'm already on CD14, which is past when I normally ovulate. But I haven't had any temp rise or positive OPK, so my hope is that I will ovulate on schedule with the trigger shot, and the timing will be good.

The TWW is going to be torture. It's the not-knowing for fourteen DAYS that seems endless. On the plus side, though, if we are pregnant... we should find out right around Valentine's Day. Since we've decided not to do much in the way of V-Day presents this year (because of money issues), finding out that we're pregnant would be the very best Valentine's Day news EVER. The ladies on the boards say it takes about six weeks to be able to tell if you're having twins... which may mean mid-March. So even if I'm ecstatic about getting pregnant, I'm still likely going to be wracked with nerves until I'm able to confirm whether it's a singleton or multiples.

I'm all out of OPK sticks now, but I won't buy any more until I know whether this cycle has worked or not... I won't need them once I do get pregnant, and the suckers are so expensive. After work today I have a dentist appointment - I'm hoping that I'll finally get the hooks off my teeth, get a good cleaning, and receive my retainers... and be ready to start whitening my teeth again in preparation for some engagement photos. Hopefully I can find enough stuff like that to focus on during the TWW so that it doesn't seem so long...

I'm really, really excited for tomorrow morning! Oh, here's a pic of last week's blue nails (since this week's are kind of crappy) and my new dark blue contacts from PinkyParadise - I ordered them on a whim on Black Friday and they only just arrived in the mail. :P

IUI#1 CD11 - We Have Follies!

Just got back from our morning visit to the RE. I gave them more blood (they had to stick me twice again, ugh) and another urine sample. They did an ultrasound - my first experience with a transvaginal ultrasound. The idea of it was a little intimidating, but it really wasn't bad or even uncomfortable. The ultrasound showed some sort of small cyst or fibroid on the outside of my uterus, though the doctor didn't seem very concerned by it. It also showed two follies in one ovary and three in the other... and on each side, there was one that was 19mm! The doctor likes them to be at least 18, so it sounds like we have TWO good ones. The tech did say that increases the chances of twins. I'm not that worried, though... I think the chances of a single birth double with two potential eggs... and the chances of twins are higher, but probably not as high as a singleton. And there's always the very big possibility I won't get pregnant at all, of course. Since the chances of a procedure working are about 20%, if I DID ovulate both big follies there would still be an 80% chance that each of them was not going to get fertilized.


(And bottom line is, if we did have twins, we'd just figure out how to make it work.)


So I did respond to the Clomid (YAY!!!) and the doctor is now going to have me start using OPKs. Tomorrow I have to call and tell them whether I got a smiley or not. If I did, then the IUI will be on Monday. If not, then I have to come in for a trigger shot - and then the IUI will be on Tuesday. Though I'm not excited about the idea of a trigger shot, I have so much work to get done on Monday that it really probably would be much better to do the IUI on Tuesday instead. The sad part is that Kaitlin won't be able to be there for the IUI procedure, because she has to work. She doesn't get paid leave, so if she misses the hours she misses the pay - and we need all the cash we can get right now.


So no more Clomid for now, just OPKs. We're actually going to get to do this - I'm really relieved, and excited now. I'm so impatient, LOL - it already feels like we've been waiting FOREVER to be able to do the actual put-the-swimmers-in procedure. Also, found out that I will likely not have to pay for the ultrasound, my insurance will cover it, so all I had to pay today was my $45 office visit copay. SCORE.


If this cycle is successful, the due date would be late October. Fingers crossed, fingers crossed...


Also, I have to add that when we were getting into our cars to leave the doctor's office, Kaitlin reminded me to drive safely because I was carrying two potential babies. LOL!