IUI#2 CD30 16DPI - BFN

Went in for a blood test this morning, to get the BFN confirmed so I can stop taking the progesterone. Got a call around four in the afternoon with confirmation – no pregnancy for me… and I can stop the progesterone now. They want me to call on the first day of my next AF. The nurse said we were “approved to do another Clomid round” although Dr. Trout wants a personal consult with us this time around. I’m not sure if that should make me nervous… Granted, this will be our fifth month since we started all this, but we’ve really only tried twice. Two BFNs seems pretty normal to me, but then, I do have awful AMH and FSH levels, so now I have to wonder if the doc’s only wanting to try clomid for us a few times before recommending we move on to IVF.

I don’t know what we’ll do, if we have to do IVF. I did a little research today and learned that IVF is far, far less expensive overseas – like $5,000 - $6,000 including travel expenses – whereas IVF with our clinic would be around $15,000. And hey, there’s an exotic foreign vacation in there to boot! So that may be the way we go, if we have to. SIGH.

Anyway, on to the next round…

IUI#2 CD28 14DPI - BFN on the horizon, sigh

Negative test last night, another negative this morning. No sign of AF, but that's not surprising given the progesterone. I called this morning and made an appointment for Thursday morning, to have a blood test done. Not optimistic at this point, but at least it will confirm that I can stop taking the progesterone so AF will show up again. IUI#3, here we come!

In the meantime, I did manage to go walking for 30 minutes at lunch both yesterday and today. I also managed to eat only my dinner last night, without all the late night snacking I usually do. And, I'm trying to commit to drinking more water throughout the day... in the hopes that it will improve my overall health AND fertility for the next round.

This afternoon I have to meet up with my family after work and have a group dinner. There are three birthdays and Mother's Day that we're sort of wrapping up into one thing... I'm thinking about buying flowers for my mom, my aunt and my brother's girlfriend, and then buying something tongue-in-cheek manly for my brother - not sure what, though. A bouquet of food or something. :P Guess we'll see what's available...

IUI#2 CD27 13DPI – Not Looking Promising

Well, I’ve taken pregnancy tests steadily for the last four days, all with clearly negative results. And I still feel no symptoms. I’m pretty certain that this round is a bust, but I have to continue to take the progesterone until my doctor does a blood test. According to FertilityFriend, today is the recommended test date… so I’ll take another test when I get home from work, but I’m not holding my breath. Statistically about 80% of women get a pregnancy test by 13DPI, so there’s only about a 20% likelihood that I’m pregnant at this point.

Sigh.

However, this weekend we took the first steps in getting Kaitlin’s computer moved from the basement up to the office. First, we had to go through the boxes and boxes of stuff we have up there… we took a bunch of stuff to Goodwill, threw away a ton more, and made an Ebay/Craigslist box of things we need to sell. Kaitlin moved her art supplies to the basement, too. But it became painfully obvious that there is just too much stuff and nowhere to gracefully store it. So we spent the rest of the day coming up with a plan to redesign the closet with shelves that will accommodate things like unused product boxes we want to keep, copy paper and other office supplies, old photos and sentimental memorabilia, Kaitlin’s comic books, cleaning supplies, cat food and litter, and bins for Kaitlin’s toys and knickknacks. Then we went to Home Depot and priced the materials we’re going to need – looks like we can do it for about $100.

The plan for this coming weekend is to tear out the shelf and hanging bar that are currently in the closet, go to Home Depot and buy the materials, then paint and assemble the shelving (and staple plastic over the hole in the drywall in back, as we need it to work on our bathroom later but don’t want the cats or random items falling into it.) When it’s done we should have a LOT more useable space, as we’re putting in shelves that are two feet deep. I’ll have to make another trip to the store to buy plastic and fabric bins and tubs to plop in there, and then it will be another day of putting stuff into bins and getting it stashed away. Then we can pull all her books out of the two bookshelves, move the bookshelves to the opposite wall, put the books back and add a third bookshelf… and then, finally, we can move her desk and computer stuff up. Then, we can install more shelving above her desk so she can display her knickknacks, and hang her artwork around it. Eventually we need to get her another office desk, probably off of Craigslist. And I want to clean off my desk and maybe buy a new computer monitor and move around some of my cords and other items and make my desk look pretty and neat again.

Then Kaitlin will have more work to do in the basement to organize her art supplies into her space down there.  Funny how such a small thing turns out to be SO MUCH work – but then, I’ve always found that my desk/office space requires the most effort to organize. But with any luck, all the new storage we’re creating will come in very handy for making that room (and the rest of the house) more useable and livable. This closet is also the first really major project that we’ve done together since Kaitlin moved in, so I’m kind of looking forward to having a part of the house that we created together. We might install a new window shade in there… and maybe I’ll make a new valance and curtain for the cat boxes. We might put a cat door in the door too.

Anyway, the point is, it’s nice to have a big project to focus on while all of this TTC stuff is ongoing. I know this is only our second IUI so I shouldn’t be that disappointed or worried… but it feels like we’ve been waiting FOREVER for that BFP. :P

IUI#2 CD23 9DPI - I've Been Slacking

Well, today we are 9DPI. I really don’t believe I’m pregnant this time around. Part of that, though, is that in a way it feels like I don’t deserve to be, because I’ve been such a slacker about my vitamins and supplements and so on.

I had two decent follies before the IUI – something like 16 mm and 17mm, one in each ovary – but a very thin lining. I don’t remember the exact measurement, but I think it was something like 5 or 6 mm – and from what I’ve read on the internet the goal is more like 8mm. The IUI itself was four days later, but they didn’t do another ultrasound at that time, so I have no idea if my lining was thicker by then.

Anyway, I’ve done a terrible job of keeping up with my prenatals, Vitamin E supplements, and drinking enough water. I have had barely any physical activity, because it’s been cold and I’ve been busy and tired at work and haven’t used my break to walk like I should. I’ve been gassy and bloated, with something of an upset stomach. The one thing I HAVE done faithfully is to take my progesterone every night. I haven’t missed one yet, and that’s something, I guess.

Still, I feel like I’ve been slacking so much that I really don’t deserve a BFP this time around. I did use a couple pregnancy tests around 3-4DPI, to see if the trigger shot was still in my system. Both tests were stark white. Theoretically, although it’s crazy early, I could take another one starting today. Tomorrow, 10DPI, is when I usually tell myself I’ll start testing – and that’s still really, really early. But, as heartwrenching as those stark white tests are, each day drains my hope little by little. Somehow it feels easier to have hope drained slowly than to lose it all in one instant when AF shows up. Also, because I’m on the progesterone, AF may not show up until I stop taking it. And I’m not allowed to stop taking it until my RE has confirmed I am not pregnant via a blood test.

I’ve done more research on the internet recently, about how I could thicken my uterine lining and improve egg quality. Exercise is apparently top of the list, along with drinking more water. Then comes the supplements – L-Arginine, something called CoQ10 Ubiquinol, red leaf raspberry tea, pomegranate juice, and pineapple core for the first five days after ovulation. Vitamin E is mentioned by some too, along with prenatals, of course.

But I remember how stressed I was the last time I tried all of this… how every day I had to look at a calendar and record meticulously which miracle cures I was supposed to take that day. I really think the stress of doing it all just right contributed to the fact that I didn’t get pregnant back then.

Still, I feel guilty for not doing more this cycle. I had a margarita at dinner last night, and there is a lot of beer in the refrigerator, waiting for me as soon as a BFN is confirmed. But I guess I won’t indulge until I’m sure. It’s just a few more days anyway… I’m supposed to go in for a blood test in exactly one week, if I haven’t gotten a positive pregnancy test or my period by then.

In the meantime, our computer system has gone down at work, so there’s very little to do for most of the day today. All the things I need to accomplish have to wait until tomorrow… Very frustrating.

Anyway, I would be overjoyed for a BFP, of course. It just doesn’t feel like it’s going to happen this time. I guess there’s always next month. While this is only our second attempt this year, it’s my sixth attempt, total. The odds are supposed to be 20% - 1 out of 5 – for each try. Albeit, that’s for young, healthy women who don’t have diminished reserve… but still. It feels like I’m going to have to try way more times than the average woman. And that’s IF it ever even works. *sigh*

IUI#2 CD17 3DPI Donor News and Glimmers of Hope

So we are at what, 3 DPI now? I start my progesterone tonight, which will be interesting since I’ve never taken a pill vaginally before. And I'm starting to get excited, just a wee bit. After all, even though the odds are against it, there’s the *possibility* that I could be pregnant. That in the next three to six days, I could have a little blastocyst implant in there… and become a mom.

The post-IUI cramps are finally almost gone. It was particularly uncomfortable yesterday – not sharp pain, but this dull, heavy, neverending ache in my gut that made me have to pee every five minutes and generally made me feel cranky. Today there’s only a slight twinginess, so my guess is that by tomorrow I’ll be feeling pretty normal again. I guess that’s part of the fun of TTC – not only do you get the joy of cramps during AF, you get to experience them again after the IUI. Yay. :P

10DPI is May 2^nd, and that’s the day I plan to start testing. Tonight, I’m going to start testing out the trigger – so that I can be sure, if I get two lines later on, that it’s a real positive and not just the trigger shot. But oh my gosh, I checked the donor website and it looks like there have now been reported pregnancies with our donor!! This is fabulous. <3 Means he has swimmers that work… now to see if I can’t get one of them. ;)

Kaitlin’s graduation party is tomorrow, though I think she’s worried that no one will come. The house is all pretty and decorated, though, and even if nobody shows up we are going to have cake and beer (well, she’ll have hard cider, and I’ll take it easy on the beer…) and celebrate anyway.

Other than that, plans for this weekend include catching up on sleep and maybe spending some time outside if the weather is okay – it’s supposed to snow, though, so I won’t be holding my breath. Might be a good time to cuddle up at home and get a decent start on my fourth novel – or do some work on the cover image for the third one, since Kaitlin needs to paint it.

Just have to get through this Friday first. J

IUI#2 CD15 1DPI – Here we go again

Well, IUI #2 is officially a go. I had my appointment yesterday morning, so we got to the doctor’s bright and early. This time was a little more uncomfortable than last time – it took the nurse a little longer to get the right angle with the speculum, and apparently my cervix was tilted very weird. However, once again our donor’s counts were in excess of 10 million (around 10.6, if I remember right). And, I was able to get them to prescribe me progesterone, which I picked up from the pharmacy yesterday afternoon. I am supposed to start the progesterone on Friday, and then keep taking it until the doctor tells me otherwise. However, since progesterone could prevent me from starting my next cycle even if I’m not pregnant, I have to call for an appointment/blood test around May 8^th. Funny, because that’s my youngest brother’s birthday. :P

So we’ll see if this one takes. I’m actually feeling less optimistic, now that the initial buzz of being able to finally try again has worn down. I had cramping yesterday and it’s ongoing today, though it’s more of an uncomfortable twingy pressure than full-on cramps. Still, it’s a constant reminder that there’s the possibility I might have a fertilized egg in there somewhere… That in a couple of weeks, my entire life could be changed forever. But right now, I don’t feel very pregnant.

I will say, though, that yesterday was a perfectly wonderful day. I mentioned before that my boss had given me the day off of work, because I’d put in so many long hours in the last few weeks. And because I had to be up at my usual time in order to get to the 8AM doctor appointment, I had the rest of the day to do whatever I wanted. I went to Big Lots and splurged on a new bedding set, complete with Euro-style pillows and some extra throw pillows; I went to the Dollar store and got decorations for Kaitlin’s graduation party this weekend (and decorations for May and June themes for my office.) I went home and decorated the living room with the graduation party stuff, then went upstairs and re-made our bed with the pretty new stuff – LOVE!!!! Then I spent some time hanging out on the porch in the backyard in the sunshine, working on my computer while the dog and cats played in the grass. I went to the pharmacy and then to Kohl’s, where I treated myself to a new necklace (yellow butterfly!!) and nice earrings for work. Came home, made dinner, watched some TV with the fiancée, and off to bed in our pretty bedroom. It was probably the most relaxing day I’ve had in a long time, and really hit the spot. I’m feeling a million times better than I have in the past several weeks.

So we’re back in the TWW. While the last time it was torturous and never-ending, I feel like this time won’t be so bad because after having to wait two months just to be able to try again, I’m overjoyed just to be in another TWW at last.

Two vials left of our donor, if this one doesn’t take. I really wish there was some sort of a magic machine that would tell you whether you had a fertilized egg, and then whether that egg had implanted. But especially, just knowing whether one even fertilized. I’d really like to know if I have one in there… or if I have two (eep)… or if nothing happened.  I’d like to know if I have a problem even getting eggs fertilized, or if I have no problem with that but have a problem getting them to survive long enough to implant, or whatever. I just want more information that I can’t have, LOL…

IUI#2 CD10 – I AM FERTILE AGAIN!!

Great, great news from the ultrasound this morning. I have two nice follies, one on either side, at 16 mm and 17 mm, respectively. So we are going to be able to move forward with an IUI this month.

The past few months have been pretty miserable, both on the TTC front and at work. This news has completely made my day this morning, and even all the stressful stuff going on at work can’t put a damper on my mood today. We get to do an IUI this round!! Even better, we’re doing the trigger shot at 8 PM Sunday night (Easter!), and the IUI at 8 AM Tuesday morning (the 22^nd) -  which just happens to be the day that my boss gave me off of work because of all the crazy hours I’ve been working lately. That means we get to do the IUI first thing in the morning, and then I can go home and prop my hips up all freaking day if I want.

I also talked to the nurse about my concerns about the period I had after our first IUI attempt, how dark the flow was and how little there was of it, and I told her it was very similar to the period I had after stopping birth control, so I’m wondering if my uterine lining that cycle was not very good. She said she would talk to the doctor and see about getting me progesterone this time around. I’m going to keep taking my prenatals and some extra Vitamin E and baby aspirin, as the rumor mill on the internet says they can contribute to a nicer lining. But the idea of having the progesterone too is encouraging. Pregnancy due date, if we are successful, would be January 13^th.

I am so, so excited for the next few days. I went straight from my ultrasound appointment to the pharmacy, and picked up the trigger shot so we’ll have it on hand… I love that this new pharmacy charges $90 less for the shot than the other place did… more money to spend on IUIs!

Hey, it’s April and the season for fertility, right? I’m feeling very optimistic about our chances this round. We still have three vials left to try with. I have new tires on my car and a sweet tiny dog that is no longer in danger of dying from uterine problems. For all my frustration at the wait, it seems like the universe is taking care of me. So now, fingers crossed that maybe April turns out to be the lucky month.

IUI#2 CD5 - Finally time for another try

I haven't been able to update in a while because of recent chaotic life events. Kaitlin had two root canals on Monday, so she's been in pain most of the week and not sleeping well. And, the last three weeks at work have been getting progressively more stressful and difficult, and haven't given me much time to do or think about anything else.

But, in the midst of all that, a little bit of good news. Last Tuesday I went in for another ultrasound. After five weeks of birth control AND a trigger shot - finally, my ovary is clear again. So the doctor asked that I stop the birth control, and call her when my period started. Happily, I started spotting the very next day... YAY!! So I called her, got my Clomid prescription renewed, and started taking it on day 3. I have another ultrasound scheduled for this coming Friday (CD10). I'm keeping fingers crossed that I don't ovulate early this time... that I appear to have at least one good follicle... and that we actually get to take another shot at an IUI.  We're already four months into 2014 and have only been able to try once, so I am really, really hoping that this time goes smoothly. 

One thing I did notice is that this period looks a lot like the one I had after our first IUI - very dark flow, almost black, and not much of it. The doctor said it might be light and not look like much since the birth control had made my lining very thin. And I wonder if I really did have a very thin lining the first time around, and if so, if that might not have made it impossible to get pregnant or sustain pregnancy. I'm going to take Vitamin E and baby aspirin this time around, but I think maybe I should really ask my doctor firmly for a progesterone prescription too. The clomid seems to really thin my lining out a lot...

So anyway that's where we are now. I do have one other little fun thing to share... one of the ladies from the sperm bank forums emailed me the baby pictures of our donor. If we get pregnant with this donor we'll buy them from the bank ourselves, but it was nice to get a little sneak peek:

 There were baby pictures of another donor, too, who I think looks even more like Kaitlin. If we don't get pregnant with the remaining vials we have, we might think about switching. Still, we have three more to go, so that covers April, May and June cycles (assuming nothing else goes weird... sigh) and I'm hoping against hope that maybe one of those will be lucky for us. 

If we did get pregnant this month the due date would be mid-January 2015... so no 2014 baby like I'd hoped, but also no Christmas birthdays. ;) I guess the universe has an ironic way of granting wishes sometimes. 

I worked so many extra hours last week that my boss gave me a day off toward the end of the month. That is actually kind of amazing, though I have no idea what I'll do with my day of freedom. The responsible grownup in me says I should use it to clean the house (and especially since I think it's that weekend that Kaitlin is throwing her graduation party) and yet I could end up spending it the way I have these past two days - catching up on sleep and doing a whole lot of nothing whatsoever. :P 

Oh, and one other thing - last weekend I bought a new computer, an Asus Transformer. Basically it's the size of a netbook, with a detachable keyboard so that it turns into a tablet... but it's a full on COMPUTER and can run Windows, Microsoft Word (YAY) and Photoshop (when I get it installed.) I am pretty much in love. I can use it for all the things I use my iPad for, AND work on my novels easily. The iPad's major drawback is that it doesn't run Microsoft Word and bluetooth keyboards for it are a pain.  I think the Asus is going to end up replacing my iPad, and I'll probably sell the iPad instead. The only thing I don't know about yet is that it doesn't have 4G, so I'll need to figure out whether I want to buy a separate mobile hotspot or if my phone's hotspot capability will be sufficient to let me do what I need to.  Regardless, though... It's a pretty cool little toy and I'm excited about it. 

Life has been a bit of a rollercoaster this past week. Bright and sunny and miserable in the middle of the week, cold and snowy and optimistic today. Go figure. Here's hoping that this month will be our month. A positive pregnancy test would make all the stress of the last few months feel worth it...