Still jet lagged. Sigh.
Yesterday I was up by 3 AM. Did a little cleaning and a lot of laundry, even went outside and trimmed some branches from our blooming lilac tree and put them in a vase in the dining room... an hour later the entire house smelled like lilacs. LOVE this time of year!!
Then I decided I'd go do a little thrift store shopping, since I had the day off. Discovered that one of the stores near our house is under new management, and I swear they have a stylist or something choosing their selection, because they have a HUGE selection of really, really nice clothes. I ended up buying probably more than I should have :P and am now sitting here in a black-and-white outfit consisting of chevron striped skirt, sequined black tank, shiny black patent belt, and white blazer, and feeling very pretty and stylish. :P I had so much fun that when Kaitlin got off work around 2, I had her meet me there, and we found her a TON of fantastic new work clothes too! She hates clothes shopping, and doesn't have much spending money, but since she's now basically working as a substitute teacher every day she needs some nicer things to wear than her usual t-shirt-and-leggings combo.
Had a lot of dull, faint cramps yesterday, and less nausea - though it was still there, particularly around dinner time. The usual thirst/peeing, and that's about it. I told Kaitlin I wasn't sure whether I was super hungry or wanted to barf, LOL... Anyway, I stayed awake as long as I could but crashed at 7 PM. Had to wake up at midnight to pee, and then I couldn't really fall back asleep (body still says that midnight=morning time!) I did a couple more pg tests yesterday, and a few more in the wee hours of the morning. Still all BFN. Bummed myself out by googling and seeing that most IVF ladies were saying they had their BFP by 5dp5dt, and here I am at 6dpt with BFNs. Decided googling was not a good idea... after all, I didn't get my last BFP until 8dpt... and went back to bed. Got up when Kaitlin did at 4:30 AM.
Back at work today, in my cute little outfit, and was pleasantly impressed that there aren't really any messes for me to clean up. I have some work backlogged for me, but for the most part my staff really managed themselves well while I was out. Second time in a row that it's been "safe" for me to take a vacation... that is really encouraging.
So far today I seem to have developed a stronger sense of smell - I'm going to HAVE to clean out my fish tank (which is still empty, since my last fishie died during my m/c in January and I haven't had the heart to replace him yet). The water's just been cycling ever since, but now there's some algae in the tank and I can smell it and it is making me sick to my stomach. I have to wait until after work hours, or else do it super early in the AM tomorrow (that's probably what I'll do, 'cause I'm going to need to go home early today. The jet lag is gonna catch up with me in a few hours...) but I can't do it when there are a lot of people around using the work kitchen sink. So for now I'm sitting here trying to ignore it. But in addition to that, I can smell the perfume I put on this morning, and when I was in the kitchen earlier I could smell the dirty dishes that a lady was washing and just about gagged. I have one of the least-sensitive noses EVER, so picking up on the smells around me is just plain weird, and not a symptom I had last time.
More nausea today, though it might be because of the smells. Some light cramps that have been pretty constant for the last couple hours (and may also be contributing to the nausea.) And this most recent pg test, while still a negative, looked a lot like it WANTED TO MAYBE POSSIBLY HAVE ANOTHER LINE??? The pink dye didn't travel very well across the test, so the whole test area is still light pink instead of stark white like usual, and at the very edge where the second line would be it looks like some of the dye maybe did get stuck... it's not enough to even capture in a photo. but maybe just maybe, my little hopeful heart is whispering, it's the veryveryvery early beginnings of a BFP??? Maybe???? Now I have to wait until I have to pee again to try with another stick.
Regardless, I did not have this many symptoms last time, at all. So either I am a lot more sensitive to the meds this round, or it's really all psychosomatic because I want it so much, or else I actually am pregnant. Though I thought you couldn't really get a lot of pregnancy symptoms until baby starts making HcG? I did not have daily cramps like this last time - and I'm on so much estrogen and progesterone right now that I highly doubt they're AF-related. I was like, almost a week overdue for my period BEFORE the transfer even happened, so I'm pretty sure the meds are going to hold her off until I stop taking them. And last time I didn't have even a hint of nausea, definitely not this weird smelling issue. BBs are a little enlarged but not particularly sore or sensitive. Drinking and peeing a lot... oh, and last week I had some weird vivid dreams.
Oh, TWW, how mean you are. Please to be giving me a BFP so I can stop obsessing??? PLZ??
Anyway, gotta call the doctor today and set up a beta blood draw for 5/6. Just have to make it through the rest of the day with this nasty fish tank smell.... ew ew ew....
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
IVF#2 5DP5DT - home sweet home
Getting home this round has been quite the adventure.
3DP5DT: symptoms of really uncomfortable constipation, constant peeing, light nausea, big appetite, feeling weepy, and exhaustion. I got checked out of my hotel, hauled my luggage to the metro and rode it to the airport, and got checked in for my flight... but my flight was delayed. First for thirty minutes, then an hour, then three. After sitting there for six hours (and having to give myself the heparin was injection in the airport bathroom, which gave me nigh onto a nervous breakdown) they finally announced the flight would be cancelled as they couldn't get the plane working. They gave us all hotel vouchers, we had to go back out through customs and collect our baggage again, then they bussed us to the hotel. It was a really beautiful hotel, right on the sea, with amazing views...but at that point I was so exhausted I just wanted to sleep. I was also starving, though, so I had to stay up while they prepared dinner for us. It was a really delicious buffet, with free wine (that I couldn't have). But I ate it as fast as I could and went up to bed. Pillows were nicer than the ones at my other hotel, though the mattress was just as hard. Anyway, got to sleep for like 5 hours before we had to get up at 3:30 am.
4DP5DT: symptoms of strong nausea- at morning and again at "night", exhaustion, feeling weepy, big appetite, thirst, constant peeing, light cramps. This was maybe one of the longest days of my life (literally.) We got up at about 3:30 in the morning, and the hotel served us breakfast at 4:15, piled us back into the buses, and took us back to the airport.
We went through check in, baggage check and passport control again. They assigned me a six hour layover in JFK, when I'd originally chosen my return ticket specifically for the short layover on the way home... Even paid extra for the higher price, which went to waste since I ended up with the
layover anyway. Got onto the 10.5 hour flight to JFK. Watched three movies and an episode of television during the flight, before the bright screen in the dark cabin gave me a splitting headache. Also was starving, and pretty much devoured every last calorie they offered us on the plane and still felt hungry... And must have made the trek to that damn bathroom a jillion times. Also had to give myself the heparin injection in the airplane bathroom, which was a million times worse than the one at the airport. :/
Landing set off an awful bout of nausea, where I felt flushed and sick. It was made worse when we got off the plane and had to walk a good 10 minutes of corridors, pounding headache, feeling sick, having to pee with no bathroom in sight. Insult to injury, my right knee had been tweaked during the flight and so I was limping most of the way. We get to passport control - still no bathrooms - and have to wait in a 20 minute line to get through to baggage claim. Finally a bathroom! I took care of that first, went and got my luggage, waited in another line at customs to get my bag through, and immediately went around the corner and re-checked it for the connecting flight. Took a train and then had to walk outside between a couple of buildings to get to the next terminal, where I had to go through security again.
At this point I'd been awake for about 16 hours, but it was only about noon in New York. My next flight wasn't until 6:45PM. I went to a sushi restaurant, paid way too much for a couple sushi rolls and some ginger ale, and then went to try and find a spot along the wall where I could lay down on the floor to rest. The first place I found was way too loud, with overhead music getting through even my earplugs, and I quickly became freezing cold, too. Got up, pretty damn miserable by this point, and found another spot in a sliver of sun at the base of a window. Laid down there, and slept for like three hours. It wasn't comfortable, but it was sleep... Finally had to force myself up, find my gate, and get ready for the last flight to Denver.
Got on the plane, but couldn't watch any of the inflight movies because my eyes ached. Couldn't really sleep either, because I couldn't exactly take ambien for a three hour flight. Yet those felt like the longest three hours of my life.
Finally we touched down, I went through the Denver airport circus of deplaning, getting to baggage claim, and finally finally met Kaitlin at the car outside. She'd brought my puppy with her <3 so I could cuddle her on the drive back. Pretty much burst into tears as soon as I was in the car. We stopped by a Wendy's to get food and came home, where I promptly dumped all my stuff and crawled into bed. And... Couldn't sleep, because now my body clock says it's daytime.
5DP5DT - which brings us to today. 4 AM and I am wide awake. Took a pregnancy test this morning but so far it's a no-go. I was expecting that, this early, but I was kind of hoping maybe for an early confirmation this time. Will keep testing over the next few days. I took today off of work but am supposed to go back tomorrow. Really don't feel ready. Kind of want the whole world on pause until I get the test results.
So happy to be home. Going to lose myself in puppy cuddles and daydreams today...
Sunday, April 26, 2015
IVF#2 3DP5DT Headed home today
It's a struggle, when traveling halfway across the world, to figure out the right timing of meds and even the right count of how far I am past transfer. I had my transfer at about noon on Friday the 24th, here. But that equates to about 3 AM on the 24th at home. Which means right now, it is about 6:45 AM on the 27th here, putting me at about 3 days past transfer (or at least, I will be at noon). But it's only 9:45 at night at home, on the 26th, making it two days past there. Ay yi yi.... Also, I have to figure out my meds schedule on the way back. I take progesterone four times a day, estrogen three times a day, and a heparin injection once a day. I think I'm actually going to have to do the injection on the plane. YUCK. And it may end up meaning I have to start doing injections in the mornings instead of at night like I prefer, and oh, I really don't want to wake up to that. X.x I wonder if it would hurt to do one extra injection, about 12 hours after the first, so that I can transition back to a night schedule?
Anyway, here's what's been going down since the transfer. I got up the next day, got the rest of the money I needed from the ATM, took a taxi to Embio and picked up my meds (holy crap there are a TON), and took a taxi back to the hotel. Crawled back into bed for several hours, but went on a walk later that afternoon (about five or six blocks) to check out this amazing little toy store we'd passed on the way in. The store had beautiful vinyl dolls about four feet tall, dressed in little girls' dress-up clothes - some of the most elaborate dress up clothes I've ever seen, and I would have been DROOLING over them when I was a child. Anyway, the dolls were for sale (about 400 Euro, LOL). They'd been pretty well-loved already, most had marks on their faces and such, but they were so pretty! I would have loved to have one, but I think Kaitlin would find a four foot tall plastic child a little creepy. Anyway, then I walked about halfway back to the hotel, but made myself stop and sit at a Starbucks (with a decaf macchiato) for about an hour to rest before going all the way back. Back into bed, back to Netflix and websurfing (and freaking myself out about the possibility of triplets, OMG). Took a little walk a few hours later to eat dinner at a TGIFridays that I'd passed on my earlier walk. Ate an entire plate of ribs, and had lemonade WITH ROSE SYRUP IN IT that was unbelievably amazing. Gave myself the heparin injection after, which was awful. The needles are so much bigger than the Lupron ones, and they don't slide easily in. I have to like, stab... and keep stabbing hard... until it gets in where it's supposed to be.
Anyway, I started feeling cramping at bedtime. And somehow I just had this feeling it was implantation. In fact, I had this certainty that it was boy/girl twins and I was pregnant for sure. :P
Then yesterday, I got up, had breakfast at the hotel buffet, got dressed all cute and did my makeup and everything, and went back to Monastiraki to blow the remainder of my Euro. Bought a bunch of really cute jewelry, some small gifts for Kaitlin, and then found this place that sells pre-decorated fake nails in the Asian style (with 3-d flowers and jewels and stuff attached to them) for 2 euro per set. Bought like six sets of them because they aren't in the States, and are so cute. I might have to get some different nail glue, though.... not sure I trust the nail glue that came with them. And I might have to save them until after I get through a first trimester safely. Also, there was this enormous flea market going on, with people lining the streets with booths full of their jewelry-making and art and woodcrafts and so on, and they didn't have this the last time we were here, so it was pretty fascinating. But, it was a LOT of walking, and I kept having to stop and rest for an hour or so in between, both because my feet hurt and because I was really tired. Finally had to throw in the towel and get back to the hotel. Had dinner at the hotel restaurant, though I did go out for just one more block of walking so I could pick up one last dessert at the amazing bakery around the corner (which I put into my mini fridge and forgot to eat last night, so I ate it first thing this morning. Chocolate dessert breakfast, mmmmm.) Was feeling a lot less certain I was pregnant by last night.
Did have to pee like three times in the middle of the night, though. Yay, hormones.
So, today is travel day again. I'm going to go have breakfast in a bit, finish up my packing (somehow I've managed to get all those meds into my suitcase, but it was NOT EASY) and get to the metro so I can get to the airport. In for a LOOOOONG day of plan flights (about sixteen hours' worth) and three hours or so at JFK in between. But I am looking forward to seeing my honey and my puppy and sleeping in my own bed with my own comfy pillow tonight.
Not looking forward to the rest of the TWW. When I get home I have to set up a blood test for my beta, on May 6th. In the meantime I'm supposed to return to work. But, I'm not going back until Wednesday at the earliest... I need at least one day at home to deal with jet lag. I might just take two. It's not like I don't have the leave time saved up.
I don't know what to think about this round. It's been kind of nice, having this impromptu exotic foreign vacation as a part of the IVF experience. I do wish Kaitlin could have come... it's a little lonely by myself... and yet my little introvert heart has been kind of thriving on the alone-time. I am vacillating between terror of triplets, apathy about the whole damn TTC circus, certainty that we'll get a flat out BFN, and hope that this is finally it. The hope seems the most fragile of all, this shiny veiled dream sequence playing out behind a curtain, that I'm not actually going to get to touch. And there are moments when my imagination does take me there, and I live in that fantasyland with my BFP and heartbeat on the ultrasound and a joint pregnancy alongside my sister-in-law and a healthy baby (or two) at the end... but I don't know if my heart dares to actually believe it. It keeps telling me the scenario is (as my parents used to describe Santa Claus and the tooth fairy) "fun-pretend". Not something that's actually ever going to be mine, but I can enjoy pretending for a while if I want to.
Sigh.
I keep reminding myself that two weeks isn't that long. I waited much longer for this opportunity to come around again after the miscarriage. I can make it two more weeks. Not even that, because the beta is actually set in 12 days post-transfer. I got my BFP on day 8 post transfer last time. And I know I'm not going to be able to resist testing around that time this round, although I dread how scary it will be if that second line doesn't show up on day 8, because I know what my brain's going to do with it.
Anyway, have to get up now and get dressed and moving. See ya'all when I'm stateside again...
Anyway, here's what's been going down since the transfer. I got up the next day, got the rest of the money I needed from the ATM, took a taxi to Embio and picked up my meds (holy crap there are a TON), and took a taxi back to the hotel. Crawled back into bed for several hours, but went on a walk later that afternoon (about five or six blocks) to check out this amazing little toy store we'd passed on the way in. The store had beautiful vinyl dolls about four feet tall, dressed in little girls' dress-up clothes - some of the most elaborate dress up clothes I've ever seen, and I would have been DROOLING over them when I was a child. Anyway, the dolls were for sale (about 400 Euro, LOL). They'd been pretty well-loved already, most had marks on their faces and such, but they were so pretty! I would have loved to have one, but I think Kaitlin would find a four foot tall plastic child a little creepy. Anyway, then I walked about halfway back to the hotel, but made myself stop and sit at a Starbucks (with a decaf macchiato) for about an hour to rest before going all the way back. Back into bed, back to Netflix and websurfing (and freaking myself out about the possibility of triplets, OMG). Took a little walk a few hours later to eat dinner at a TGIFridays that I'd passed on my earlier walk. Ate an entire plate of ribs, and had lemonade WITH ROSE SYRUP IN IT that was unbelievably amazing. Gave myself the heparin injection after, which was awful. The needles are so much bigger than the Lupron ones, and they don't slide easily in. I have to like, stab... and keep stabbing hard... until it gets in where it's supposed to be.
Anyway, I started feeling cramping at bedtime. And somehow I just had this feeling it was implantation. In fact, I had this certainty that it was boy/girl twins and I was pregnant for sure. :P
Then yesterday, I got up, had breakfast at the hotel buffet, got dressed all cute and did my makeup and everything, and went back to Monastiraki to blow the remainder of my Euro. Bought a bunch of really cute jewelry, some small gifts for Kaitlin, and then found this place that sells pre-decorated fake nails in the Asian style (with 3-d flowers and jewels and stuff attached to them) for 2 euro per set. Bought like six sets of them because they aren't in the States, and are so cute. I might have to get some different nail glue, though.... not sure I trust the nail glue that came with them. And I might have to save them until after I get through a first trimester safely. Also, there was this enormous flea market going on, with people lining the streets with booths full of their jewelry-making and art and woodcrafts and so on, and they didn't have this the last time we were here, so it was pretty fascinating. But, it was a LOT of walking, and I kept having to stop and rest for an hour or so in between, both because my feet hurt and because I was really tired. Finally had to throw in the towel and get back to the hotel. Had dinner at the hotel restaurant, though I did go out for just one more block of walking so I could pick up one last dessert at the amazing bakery around the corner (which I put into my mini fridge and forgot to eat last night, so I ate it first thing this morning. Chocolate dessert breakfast, mmmmm.) Was feeling a lot less certain I was pregnant by last night.
Did have to pee like three times in the middle of the night, though. Yay, hormones.
So, today is travel day again. I'm going to go have breakfast in a bit, finish up my packing (somehow I've managed to get all those meds into my suitcase, but it was NOT EASY) and get to the metro so I can get to the airport. In for a LOOOOONG day of plan flights (about sixteen hours' worth) and three hours or so at JFK in between. But I am looking forward to seeing my honey and my puppy and sleeping in my own bed with my own comfy pillow tonight.
Not looking forward to the rest of the TWW. When I get home I have to set up a blood test for my beta, on May 6th. In the meantime I'm supposed to return to work. But, I'm not going back until Wednesday at the earliest... I need at least one day at home to deal with jet lag. I might just take two. It's not like I don't have the leave time saved up.
I don't know what to think about this round. It's been kind of nice, having this impromptu exotic foreign vacation as a part of the IVF experience. I do wish Kaitlin could have come... it's a little lonely by myself... and yet my little introvert heart has been kind of thriving on the alone-time. I am vacillating between terror of triplets, apathy about the whole damn TTC circus, certainty that we'll get a flat out BFN, and hope that this is finally it. The hope seems the most fragile of all, this shiny veiled dream sequence playing out behind a curtain, that I'm not actually going to get to touch. And there are moments when my imagination does take me there, and I live in that fantasyland with my BFP and heartbeat on the ultrasound and a joint pregnancy alongside my sister-in-law and a healthy baby (or two) at the end... but I don't know if my heart dares to actually believe it. It keeps telling me the scenario is (as my parents used to describe Santa Claus and the tooth fairy) "fun-pretend". Not something that's actually ever going to be mine, but I can enjoy pretending for a while if I want to.
Sigh.
I keep reminding myself that two weeks isn't that long. I waited much longer for this opportunity to come around again after the miscarriage. I can make it two more weeks. Not even that, because the beta is actually set in 12 days post-transfer. I got my BFP on day 8 post transfer last time. And I know I'm not going to be able to resist testing around that time this round, although I dread how scary it will be if that second line doesn't show up on day 8, because I know what my brain's going to do with it.
Anyway, have to get up now and get dressed and moving. See ya'all when I'm stateside again...
Friday, April 24, 2015
IVF#2 CD29 D-Day
I have more pics to add to my prior post, but blogger isn't cooperating at the moment so I may have to wait until I get home. (EDIT: fixed! mostly food pictures, because I turn into a total foodie while I'm here...)
Anyway, I spent yesterday mostly sleeping. Got up around 7 first, skyped with Kaitlin for a while and ate breakfast, and started feeling really dizzy and sleepy. I guess the progesterone? Went back upstairs and fell asleep until almost 11AM. Got up again, too the metro back to Monastiraki and did some more shopping. Spent more than I should on a few cute new pieces of clothing - pink flowy skirt, cute black hi-low shirt that says "You fill me MUCH BE@UTY" (oh, how I love Engrish!), a white and navy striped top with this dramatic sheer train-like back that says "Can you feel my heart?" and this absolutely gorgeous short black wool double-breasted coat that was on sale since it's now spring. Hearts. This particular shop had so many clothes I wanted - the cutest retro dresses, and these slash-front punk-looking tights, and lace and crochet and OMGOMG. I wanted the whole store, so when you think about it, I did very well limiting myself to just a few pieces, yes?? :)
Only got approached once by one of the African scammer guys. I'd almost forgotten about them, but they're all over the square. Basically they approach women, especially foreigners, and start out with a loud, cheerful greeting and a lot of friendly flirting. They reach for your hand, and once they've got it, they tie an ugly friendship bracelet thing on, shower you with more compliments, offer prayers for you and your future boyfriend, and then ask for money in exchange for their blessing. Last time we were here we got caught by them once unawares and ended up giving them a couple of euros... When they tried it every single night afterward, it got old really fast. One of them got my wrist one night and would not let go, and Kaitlin actually had to shout at him to get him to back off. Anyway, one of them came up to me yesterday too, but I told him no very loudly and turned and walked away before he managed to get more than a couple of words in. I sat at a cafe for lunch/dinner and watched a group of them pulling their schtick on a few of the other diners nearby. Thankfully they left me alone this time. Ugh.
Anyway, after eating I came back to the hotel with the intention of resting a little, maybe showering and going out to get a dessert before bed, but no... I was so tired I pretty much passed out. Woke up for about an hour or so around 10:30PM, then went back to sleep.
And today... Well, I didn't sleep very well last night, mostly due to excitement. Woke up before my alarm, took a shower and skyped with Kaitlin for a little while. Went down to breakfast, then out to find an ATM. Unfortunately my bank limits how much I can withdraw per day - I need 408 Euros for my meds, but could only get 200. Sigh. Took the metro to Embio, got there early and hung out for a while in the waiting room.
The wait times were a LOT shorter this time. There was no pre-meeting with the doctor like last time. They took me upstairs, had me change into the little robe, and took me straight into the procedure room - no waiting. But then everything happened so fast... The doctor came in, said we had three embryos (two good, one average) and he was putting all three in. I asked him if we could limit it to two and he pretty much blew me off, said we'd probably only get one out of the three and this increased our chances. I think all three were already in the catheter and they couldn't have taken just one out at that point. So here I am sort of stunned that we're ending up with three, after all the times Kaitlin and I had debated and decided on only two. But, he's already prying me open and damn it is uncomfortable and I'm trying to stay relaxed and not think about it. There was less pressure and pinching than I remember, though, and it seems like it went a lot faster. He suddenly pronounced we were done, did a few more really uncomfortable things and removed the speculum. They wheeled me back into the waiting room, and this time they came to get me after about 30-45 minutes instead of letting me sit for over two hours. Also, no bitter Italian lady next to me, which was a plus. :P
I still haven't seen the egg donor's profile, and I think I am going to have to come back tomorrow in order to pick up my medicine. So now I am sitting back downstairs again, waiting (I assume) to meet with the nurse and maybe the doctor again before I go. I need to ask the nurse what time I can come back tomorrow, and also if she can email me the donor's profile. I also need instructions on what meds to take... I think I will have to start giving myself heparin shots now. *shudder* I'm hoping I'll get one meeting with the doctor before I go, so that I can ask him how many days along the embryos are. I'm guessing five, like last time, but it would be nice to know. I also need to know if it's ok for me to walk back to the metro, or if I need to take a taxi. If I need to take a taxi I need one of them to call one for me, because I don't have a working phone here.
So, I'll be hanging out pretty much exclusively at the hotel for the rest of my time here. Once I finish whatever we're doing next I'm going to go get some food... Hungry again! Another update in a little bit...
EDIT:
So, I met with the nurse and doctor. 5-day embryos, like last time. They upped my dose of estrogen, added the heparin, and I'm going back at 10AM tomorrow to pick up the meds. They didn't want me walking to the metro station, so I managed to flag down a taxi and was pleasantly impressed that because I'd chosen a better hotel location this time the taxi fare was under 6 Euros. At the last hotel it was close to 20! Got back to the room, dropped my things off, went and had a sandwich and fries at the hotel restaurant. Came back to the room with the intention of watching some Netflix and instead fell asleep for four hours. O.o I don't remember being this tired during my last IVF, but maybe it's because of jet lag and the fact that I'm traveling alone without any planned activities, so everything in general feels really relaxed?
Anyway, got up and walked just around the corner from the hotel to get a salad for dinner and another of those amazing desserts. Came back and gave myself the heparin shot, which was NOT fun... the needle is a lot harder to insert than the Lupron needles were, and it definitely hurt more. I have to do this like two or three more times before I get to have Kaitlin start doing it, too. Yuck. Now I'm hanging out in bed again, surfing the internet. I'll probably stay up for a bit tonight since I took such a long nap.
Oddly, I'm feeling kind of emotionally numb. I think maybe my brain doesn't want to really get excited until we know whether this is going to stick. It taunts me with the possibility of a flat out BFN, as if I was never even here. The odds actually are that I WILL get pregnant, but I think my heart is so tired of the roller coaster of TTC that it's hard to actually believe it's going to work.
Luckily, I don't think my personal beliefs have one whit of influence on whether I get pregnant or not. :) So, fingers crossed, everybody. Please please please universe, be kind to us at last, and let us take home a baby from this one.
Bring on the 2WW!
Anyway, I spent yesterday mostly sleeping. Got up around 7 first, skyped with Kaitlin for a while and ate breakfast, and started feeling really dizzy and sleepy. I guess the progesterone? Went back upstairs and fell asleep until almost 11AM. Got up again, too the metro back to Monastiraki and did some more shopping. Spent more than I should on a few cute new pieces of clothing - pink flowy skirt, cute black hi-low shirt that says "You fill me MUCH BE@UTY" (oh, how I love Engrish!), a white and navy striped top with this dramatic sheer train-like back that says "Can you feel my heart?" and this absolutely gorgeous short black wool double-breasted coat that was on sale since it's now spring. Hearts. This particular shop had so many clothes I wanted - the cutest retro dresses, and these slash-front punk-looking tights, and lace and crochet and OMGOMG. I wanted the whole store, so when you think about it, I did very well limiting myself to just a few pieces, yes?? :)
Only got approached once by one of the African scammer guys. I'd almost forgotten about them, but they're all over the square. Basically they approach women, especially foreigners, and start out with a loud, cheerful greeting and a lot of friendly flirting. They reach for your hand, and once they've got it, they tie an ugly friendship bracelet thing on, shower you with more compliments, offer prayers for you and your future boyfriend, and then ask for money in exchange for their blessing. Last time we were here we got caught by them once unawares and ended up giving them a couple of euros... When they tried it every single night afterward, it got old really fast. One of them got my wrist one night and would not let go, and Kaitlin actually had to shout at him to get him to back off. Anyway, one of them came up to me yesterday too, but I told him no very loudly and turned and walked away before he managed to get more than a couple of words in. I sat at a cafe for lunch/dinner and watched a group of them pulling their schtick on a few of the other diners nearby. Thankfully they left me alone this time. Ugh.
Anyway, after eating I came back to the hotel with the intention of resting a little, maybe showering and going out to get a dessert before bed, but no... I was so tired I pretty much passed out. Woke up for about an hour or so around 10:30PM, then went back to sleep.
And today... Well, I didn't sleep very well last night, mostly due to excitement. Woke up before my alarm, took a shower and skyped with Kaitlin for a little while. Went down to breakfast, then out to find an ATM. Unfortunately my bank limits how much I can withdraw per day - I need 408 Euros for my meds, but could only get 200. Sigh. Took the metro to Embio, got there early and hung out for a while in the waiting room.
The wait times were a LOT shorter this time. There was no pre-meeting with the doctor like last time. They took me upstairs, had me change into the little robe, and took me straight into the procedure room - no waiting. But then everything happened so fast... The doctor came in, said we had three embryos (two good, one average) and he was putting all three in. I asked him if we could limit it to two and he pretty much blew me off, said we'd probably only get one out of the three and this increased our chances. I think all three were already in the catheter and they couldn't have taken just one out at that point. So here I am sort of stunned that we're ending up with three, after all the times Kaitlin and I had debated and decided on only two. But, he's already prying me open and damn it is uncomfortable and I'm trying to stay relaxed and not think about it. There was less pressure and pinching than I remember, though, and it seems like it went a lot faster. He suddenly pronounced we were done, did a few more really uncomfortable things and removed the speculum. They wheeled me back into the waiting room, and this time they came to get me after about 30-45 minutes instead of letting me sit for over two hours. Also, no bitter Italian lady next to me, which was a plus. :P
I still haven't seen the egg donor's profile, and I think I am going to have to come back tomorrow in order to pick up my medicine. So now I am sitting back downstairs again, waiting (I assume) to meet with the nurse and maybe the doctor again before I go. I need to ask the nurse what time I can come back tomorrow, and also if she can email me the donor's profile. I also need instructions on what meds to take... I think I will have to start giving myself heparin shots now. *shudder* I'm hoping I'll get one meeting with the doctor before I go, so that I can ask him how many days along the embryos are. I'm guessing five, like last time, but it would be nice to know. I also need to know if it's ok for me to walk back to the metro, or if I need to take a taxi. If I need to take a taxi I need one of them to call one for me, because I don't have a working phone here.
So, I'll be hanging out pretty much exclusively at the hotel for the rest of my time here. Once I finish whatever we're doing next I'm going to go get some food... Hungry again! Another update in a little bit...
EDIT:
So, I met with the nurse and doctor. 5-day embryos, like last time. They upped my dose of estrogen, added the heparin, and I'm going back at 10AM tomorrow to pick up the meds. They didn't want me walking to the metro station, so I managed to flag down a taxi and was pleasantly impressed that because I'd chosen a better hotel location this time the taxi fare was under 6 Euros. At the last hotel it was close to 20! Got back to the room, dropped my things off, went and had a sandwich and fries at the hotel restaurant. Came back to the room with the intention of watching some Netflix and instead fell asleep for four hours. O.o I don't remember being this tired during my last IVF, but maybe it's because of jet lag and the fact that I'm traveling alone without any planned activities, so everything in general feels really relaxed?
Anyway, got up and walked just around the corner from the hotel to get a salad for dinner and another of those amazing desserts. Came back and gave myself the heparin shot, which was NOT fun... the needle is a lot harder to insert than the Lupron needles were, and it definitely hurt more. I have to do this like two or three more times before I get to have Kaitlin start doing it, too. Yuck. Now I'm hanging out in bed again, surfing the internet. I'll probably stay up for a bit tonight since I took such a long nap.
Oddly, I'm feeling kind of emotionally numb. I think maybe my brain doesn't want to really get excited until we know whether this is going to stick. It taunts me with the possibility of a flat out BFN, as if I was never even here. The odds actually are that I WILL get pregnant, but I think my heart is so tired of the roller coaster of TTC that it's hard to actually believe it's going to work.
Luckily, I don't think my personal beliefs have one whit of influence on whether I get pregnant or not. :) So, fingers crossed, everybody. Please please please universe, be kind to us at last, and let us take home a baby from this one.
Bring on the 2WW!
IVF#2 CD27, Part Deux
So today I took the metro to Monastiraki, and wandered around the shops, and got a fish pedicure and a manicure (at a different place this time, it was upstairs in one of the buildings and much more spa-like in atmosphere. They had a gorgeous three-legged white Persian cat with one blue eye and one yellow eye. I tried to get a picture of him, but it was too dark in there. The lady said he lost his leg by falling from a seventh story. O.o)
Also found the cutest pair of pale blue, lacy flats from a street vendor for five Euro (around $6).
Then I went and found Embio, and had an ultrasound (this time I was prepared for how fast he was, so it wasn't as startling.) He also pronounced my endometrium "very good," at 12mm. My embryo transfer is going to be on Friday at 10 AM, so I'll probably spend tomorrow wandering around too, since after the transfer I'm pretty much staying in bed at the hotel until it's time to go home.
After that I went back to Monastiraki again for dinner, and found a nice little outdoor cafe - they're so much nicer in April when it's not raining and cold! Ordered something called giaiurtlou kebap, based entirely on the picture on the poster outside the building, and it was AMAZING. Basically it's sausages on a pita,smothered in cream & cheese sauce. Oh my god it was good. I swear Greece has the most amazing food...
Afterwards I stopped by the requisite souvenir shop. Picked up a couple gifts for Kaitlin and a white Aphrodite-style sundress that I'd been eyeing the last time I was here. Took the metro back to my hotel and picked up an incredible dessert on the way. Did I mention THE FOOD HERE??? Holy crap the CHOCOLATE.
So now I am going to watch a little Netflix and probably take a bubble bath, since my hips and knees and feet are tired from all that walking. Hey, gotta burn off all these calories somehow, yeah?
If you have to nearly bankrupt yourself doing IVF, I am telling you, ladies, this is how to do it. I really miss Kaitlin and my tiny dog, but wow, so far I am having a pretty darned amazing time. Now if only this round will work!
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
IVF#2 CD27 In Greece
After a long flight, and a ten hour layover in JFK (oh my gosh that was mind-numbing) I finally made it to Athens. Retrieved my luggage, got through customs (they actually stamped my passport this time, yay!) and found the metro. Rode the metro and got off at the right stop, ALL BY MYSELF. I feel like a big girl.
Bragging rights end there, though, because once I emerged from the metro station I got turned around - and walked blocks and blocks and blocks in the wrong direction, dragging my suitcase, until I saw signs indicating I had almost reached the Acropolis. I realized I was going the opposite way of where I needed to be, turned around, walked ALL that way back to the metro, and figured out what had happened - the metro station was on the opposite side of the street from where I had expected. See, I had thought that I would be clever and Google-street-view the route from the metro to my hotel so I'd know what it looked like. But the one most important bit - which direction to go from the metro station - had been determined by what side of the street I thought the metro station was on. Ahhh!
Anyway, it was a long and sweaty walk, dragging my suitcase across town, but I made it to the hotel finally. I like this one more than the one we stayed at last time. It's much quieter and there is NO SMELL OF SMOKE - the one last time was reeking of it. I have my own private little balcony (though it's kind of covered in rain puddles right now) and carpet on the floors (the other hotel had only hard floors) and a bathtub (the other hotel had only a tiny shower.) I plan to take a bubble bath one of these nights... Now I will find out in an hour or so if their breakfast is as good, since breakfast was the best part about the last place we stayed. There are also more outlets here to charge all my stuff. Like the last hotel, you have to use your key card to turn on the electricity, so there's only power while you're actually in the room - that means I can only charge my stuff while I'm in here, so usually only while I'm sleeping. Don't like that much, but one thing that's different is that you also have to use your key card to get the elevator to work. I do like that - it's a little extra security, and it's nice for a girl who's traveling by herself. The one drawback is that the beds are too firm for my taste, but I guess you can't have everything. :P
Once I got here, I had to go through the process of connecting my little laptop to the Wifi and downloading iTunes. Thankfully, the WiFi connection is fantastic. But my iPad had died - as in, would not turn on and was just flashing the Apple logo at me - while I was in the Denver airport. So I had to download iTunes on my computer, connect it to my iPad, and update the iOS. Luckily that was all it needed. I didn't even have to do a restore - once I updated it, it went back to working like it's supposed to. Then I learned that my computer will not play nice with the USB hard drive Kaitlin let me take, that has a ton of movies on it. That was really disappointing, since I'm not planning on leaving the hotel much while I'm here and all the channels on TV are either in Greek or the BBC news... but, I then found out, through the magic of Google, how to access Netflix from here and so now I am quite a content girl.
Anyway, took care of my computer issues, had lunch/dinner around 3 in the downstairs restaurant, came back up to the room and took a nice long shower, and went to sleep about 7 or so. Woke up this morning bright and early at 5:30, skyped with Kaitlin for a little while, and went down to breakfast. Now I'm sitting in bed, waiting for it to warm up a little outside so I can decide if I want to go downtown or not. Also waiting for an email from the Greek clinic... I still don't know when they want me there. SIGH.
So far so good. I am so nervous that this isn't going to work. Trying so hard not to think like that, but all of this is a little overwhelming... Just have to take it one waiting-period at a time, I guess.
Bragging rights end there, though, because once I emerged from the metro station I got turned around - and walked blocks and blocks and blocks in the wrong direction, dragging my suitcase, until I saw signs indicating I had almost reached the Acropolis. I realized I was going the opposite way of where I needed to be, turned around, walked ALL that way back to the metro, and figured out what had happened - the metro station was on the opposite side of the street from where I had expected. See, I had thought that I would be clever and Google-street-view the route from the metro to my hotel so I'd know what it looked like. But the one most important bit - which direction to go from the metro station - had been determined by what side of the street I thought the metro station was on. Ahhh!
Anyway, it was a long and sweaty walk, dragging my suitcase across town, but I made it to the hotel finally. I like this one more than the one we stayed at last time. It's much quieter and there is NO SMELL OF SMOKE - the one last time was reeking of it. I have my own private little balcony (though it's kind of covered in rain puddles right now) and carpet on the floors (the other hotel had only hard floors) and a bathtub (the other hotel had only a tiny shower.) I plan to take a bubble bath one of these nights... Now I will find out in an hour or so if their breakfast is as good, since breakfast was the best part about the last place we stayed. There are also more outlets here to charge all my stuff. Like the last hotel, you have to use your key card to turn on the electricity, so there's only power while you're actually in the room - that means I can only charge my stuff while I'm in here, so usually only while I'm sleeping. Don't like that much, but one thing that's different is that you also have to use your key card to get the elevator to work. I do like that - it's a little extra security, and it's nice for a girl who's traveling by herself. The one drawback is that the beds are too firm for my taste, but I guess you can't have everything. :P
Once I got here, I had to go through the process of connecting my little laptop to the Wifi and downloading iTunes. Thankfully, the WiFi connection is fantastic. But my iPad had died - as in, would not turn on and was just flashing the Apple logo at me - while I was in the Denver airport. So I had to download iTunes on my computer, connect it to my iPad, and update the iOS. Luckily that was all it needed. I didn't even have to do a restore - once I updated it, it went back to working like it's supposed to. Then I learned that my computer will not play nice with the USB hard drive Kaitlin let me take, that has a ton of movies on it. That was really disappointing, since I'm not planning on leaving the hotel much while I'm here and all the channels on TV are either in Greek or the BBC news... but, I then found out, through the magic of Google, how to access Netflix from here and so now I am quite a content girl.
Anyway, took care of my computer issues, had lunch/dinner around 3 in the downstairs restaurant, came back up to the room and took a nice long shower, and went to sleep about 7 or so. Woke up this morning bright and early at 5:30, skyped with Kaitlin for a little while, and went down to breakfast. Now I'm sitting in bed, waiting for it to warm up a little outside so I can decide if I want to go downtown or not. Also waiting for an email from the Greek clinic... I still don't know when they want me there. SIGH.
So far so good. I am so nervous that this isn't going to work. Trying so hard not to think like that, but all of this is a little overwhelming... Just have to take it one waiting-period at a time, I guess.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
IVF#2 CD25 Headed Out
Sitting at the Denver airport now, waiting to catch my red eye flight to JFK. Plane leaves at 12:30 AM and arrives around 4:30 AM - but it will be 6:30 AM there. Then a ten hour layover at the airport before I can grab my flight to Athens.
I actually managed to give myself two of the Lupron injections this week, in preparation for having to stab myself while I'm traveling. Then, as it turns out, the injection for today is to be the last one. I start progesterone tomorrow, though I still don't know when the transfer date will be. My Greek coordinator looked over the ultrasound scan from Friday and pronounced my endometrium "very good", so that's encouraging.
Still, traveling alone is kind of hard. When I got on the airport train I shared a car with a couple who had a very new, tiny baby. And I'm hoping so much that this trip is going to turn into a baby for us too, one that I get to keep. I also know that it's all really a matter of luck. And somehow the plane flights and airports and hotel and all the other stuff that's so exciting about travel seems a lot less fun to do alone.
Anyway, at least I can be glad to finally be at that moment that felt like it would never come, the day when we get to try again. I am full of wishes tonight.
I actually managed to give myself two of the Lupron injections this week, in preparation for having to stab myself while I'm traveling. Then, as it turns out, the injection for today is to be the last one. I start progesterone tomorrow, though I still don't know when the transfer date will be. My Greek coordinator looked over the ultrasound scan from Friday and pronounced my endometrium "very good", so that's encouraging.
Still, traveling alone is kind of hard. When I got on the airport train I shared a car with a couple who had a very new, tiny baby. And I'm hoping so much that this trip is going to turn into a baby for us too, one that I get to keep. I also know that it's all really a matter of luck. And somehow the plane flights and airports and hotel and all the other stuff that's so exciting about travel seems a lot less fun to do alone.
Anyway, at least I can be glad to finally be at that moment that felt like it would never come, the day when we get to try again. I am full of wishes tonight.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
IVF#2 CD22 Almost There
This week has been insanity.
First off, until I started my estrogen, I was experiencing all kinds of side effects from the Lupron that I didn't the first round - primarily hot flashes and insomnia. Once I started taking the estrogen, those have mostly subsided. Now I am just dizzy and exhausted. Starting to get back to that point where I have to pee a lot, too. Feeling bloaty. Sleeping like the dead, though, as if my body's trying to make up for all it missed in the last few weeks, so getting out of bed in the morning is nigh on to painful.
We're practicing, every night, to work me up to being able to give myself the injection. Kaitlin fills one of our used syringes with water and I stab it repeatedly into a dog toy. Still dreading stabbing myself, but hoping if the angle, hand position, and all of that gets to be familiar it will be slightly less scary. Kaitlin has a thing to do tonight and won't be home until late, so I *might* just test to see if I can do it myself tonight. We'll see. Right now if I think about it too hard it gives me shudders.
I bought my plane tickets and hotel. I wired the fee to the Greek bank. I'm working my ASS off at work trying to get things settled for my leave - thankfully my boss is being really awesome about it and I am SO grateful. Naturally, this is the week that everything has decided to blow up. I had to fire a person last Friday, for the first time ever, so we're short handed. Now I'm trying to interview a temporary replacement and do onboarding, plan ahead for onboarding of another new person whose first day is the first day of my leave (ack), trying to prep my staff and my boss to be able to take over all the different irons-in-the-fire that are going on. I still haven't made a packing list, or gone to the bank to buy Euros, or been able to make it to the courthouse to pick up my name change paperwork.
On the plus side: we cleaned out the garage this weekend and it damn near sparkles. Oh, it makes me happy to come home from work and open up that garage door and see things neatly stacked and hung and a swept floor and everything looking orderly and groomed. *happysigh* I have an ultrasound appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning - it'll be pricey, but the last one before I get to Greece. Planning on swinging past the courthouse on my way into work afterword, and picking up that name change paper. I spend the weekend packing, doing my bank run, and generally making sure I have everything I need to leave. Oh, and trying to prep my sleep schedule to minimize jet lag, if I can.
Here's the fun part. Kaitlin drops me off at the airport at 10 PM on Sunday. My flight leaves just past midnight, and drops me at JFK at approximately 4 AM our time. I have a 10 hour layover, then back on the plane at 2 PM our time and off the plane at 9:30 AM Athens time (which is approximately midnight here.) I'll be in Athens for a week, and back on the plane the following Monday.
Still don't know what day the transfer is happening. Praying that our donor has good eggs, that we get at least two good embryos, that everything goes smoothly and that I don't get kidnapped and murdered while I'm traveling alone. O.o Oh, and that I can stomach (ha, ha) giving myself the injections.
Added the cost of all our latest stuff to the costs page and we've hit the $29K mark. I must really, really want this. I sure do hope it works this round.
Right now I'm so tired and things are so crazy that all I can really focus on is the next thing on my to-do list. I know I'm going to be super bored while I'm there, but right now I'm really looking forward to at least the first day or two of nothing-to-do!
First off, until I started my estrogen, I was experiencing all kinds of side effects from the Lupron that I didn't the first round - primarily hot flashes and insomnia. Once I started taking the estrogen, those have mostly subsided. Now I am just dizzy and exhausted. Starting to get back to that point where I have to pee a lot, too. Feeling bloaty. Sleeping like the dead, though, as if my body's trying to make up for all it missed in the last few weeks, so getting out of bed in the morning is nigh on to painful.
We're practicing, every night, to work me up to being able to give myself the injection. Kaitlin fills one of our used syringes with water and I stab it repeatedly into a dog toy. Still dreading stabbing myself, but hoping if the angle, hand position, and all of that gets to be familiar it will be slightly less scary. Kaitlin has a thing to do tonight and won't be home until late, so I *might* just test to see if I can do it myself tonight. We'll see. Right now if I think about it too hard it gives me shudders.
I bought my plane tickets and hotel. I wired the fee to the Greek bank. I'm working my ASS off at work trying to get things settled for my leave - thankfully my boss is being really awesome about it and I am SO grateful. Naturally, this is the week that everything has decided to blow up. I had to fire a person last Friday, for the first time ever, so we're short handed. Now I'm trying to interview a temporary replacement and do onboarding, plan ahead for onboarding of another new person whose first day is the first day of my leave (ack), trying to prep my staff and my boss to be able to take over all the different irons-in-the-fire that are going on. I still haven't made a packing list, or gone to the bank to buy Euros, or been able to make it to the courthouse to pick up my name change paperwork.
On the plus side: we cleaned out the garage this weekend and it damn near sparkles. Oh, it makes me happy to come home from work and open up that garage door and see things neatly stacked and hung and a swept floor and everything looking orderly and groomed. *happysigh* I have an ultrasound appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning - it'll be pricey, but the last one before I get to Greece. Planning on swinging past the courthouse on my way into work afterword, and picking up that name change paper. I spend the weekend packing, doing my bank run, and generally making sure I have everything I need to leave. Oh, and trying to prep my sleep schedule to minimize jet lag, if I can.
Here's the fun part. Kaitlin drops me off at the airport at 10 PM on Sunday. My flight leaves just past midnight, and drops me at JFK at approximately 4 AM our time. I have a 10 hour layover, then back on the plane at 2 PM our time and off the plane at 9:30 AM Athens time (which is approximately midnight here.) I'll be in Athens for a week, and back on the plane the following Monday.
Still don't know what day the transfer is happening. Praying that our donor has good eggs, that we get at least two good embryos, that everything goes smoothly and that I don't get kidnapped and murdered while I'm traveling alone. O.o Oh, and that I can stomach (ha, ha) giving myself the injections.
Added the cost of all our latest stuff to the costs page and we've hit the $29K mark. I must really, really want this. I sure do hope it works this round.
Right now I'm so tired and things are so crazy that all I can really focus on is the next thing on my to-do list. I know I'm going to be super bored while I'm there, but right now I'm really looking forward to at least the first day or two of nothing-to-do!
Thursday, April 9, 2015
IVF#2 CD15 Progress
Long tiring day at work... Seems like we get nice reprieves for a while, but when the client complaints do come, they come all on the same day. It might feel more stressful than usual because I'm trying to think ahead to when I'll be out, too.
Anyway, good news! My IVF coordinator emailed early this morning with estrogen instructions. I'm to start taking it tomorrow, on a steadily increasing schedule. I have to have another ultrasound on the 17th, so I'll have to call my RE here for an appointment... This time Embio sent me the letter i need right away, though, so at least I don't have that to worry about.
I know I have to get a flight out on the 20th, 21st at the very latest, so that I can be sure to get more Lupron in Greece if I need it. She says the earliest I'll be able to leave is around the 27th-29th but it will take a few more days for her to be more specific. I may have to ask for two full weeks off, and then come back to work early if I get back in town in time. I told her I can wait until Monday for a more specific tpdate, but then I really need to buy tickets and get a hotel room before everything is sold out.
I ended up working late, until almost 8 pm, because of how crazy the day was. So now I'm pretty foggy in the head and hopefully will be a little more on top of things tomorrow. I'm going to try and leave work early tomorrow so I can go get that missing paper for my name change...
Also google-maps-street-viewed the metro stations in Athens that I'd need to use if I were going to take the metro to Embio instead of a taxi. I think I could make the walk without getting lost. We'll see how adventurous I am feeling once I'm there. Since I will have almost nothing to do, a couple of stretches of walking and a metro ride might actually feel like a nice diversion.
Anyway, gearing up for tonight's injection and then I'm headed to bed -- so tired!
Anyway, good news! My IVF coordinator emailed early this morning with estrogen instructions. I'm to start taking it tomorrow, on a steadily increasing schedule. I have to have another ultrasound on the 17th, so I'll have to call my RE here for an appointment... This time Embio sent me the letter i need right away, though, so at least I don't have that to worry about.
I know I have to get a flight out on the 20th, 21st at the very latest, so that I can be sure to get more Lupron in Greece if I need it. She says the earliest I'll be able to leave is around the 27th-29th but it will take a few more days for her to be more specific. I may have to ask for two full weeks off, and then come back to work early if I get back in town in time. I told her I can wait until Monday for a more specific tpdate, but then I really need to buy tickets and get a hotel room before everything is sold out.
I ended up working late, until almost 8 pm, because of how crazy the day was. So now I'm pretty foggy in the head and hopefully will be a little more on top of things tomorrow. I'm going to try and leave work early tomorrow so I can go get that missing paper for my name change...
Also google-maps-street-viewed the metro stations in Athens that I'd need to use if I were going to take the metro to Embio instead of a taxi. I think I could make the walk without getting lost. We'll see how adventurous I am feeling once I'm there. Since I will have almost nothing to do, a couple of stretches of walking and a metro ride might actually feel like a nice diversion.
Anyway, gearing up for tonight's injection and then I'm headed to bed -- so tired!
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
IVF#2 CD14 - Name Change and Other Developments
I was supposed to get an email from my new IVF coordinator today with instructions about Estrogen (and hopefully some idea of the dates I have to be in Greece) but didn't hear anything. Sent an email, but won't get a reply until probably early tomorrow morning because of the time difference. Here's hoping she gets in touch and we don't have another stressful period of silence...
I went to the bank today and finalized the transfer of 4800 Euro to the Greek clinic. Also hoping everything goes smoothly and that the 4800 is accepted, since that's what they originally quoted me.
I finally, finally got my IRS background check back for my name change. You know, the paperwork I started right after I got my BFP in December. So I took a long lunch yesterday and went to the county courthouse, about 20 minutes and 20 miles from work, to file the paperwork. Got it filed and paid my $120, only to be told that the judges were on lunch and if I wanted to wait, I could get it signed. I couldn't wait, because I had a meeting at work I had to get back to. They said okay, if I could get back by 4:30 I could get it signed then.
Drove back to work, went to the meeting. Left the meeting a little early so I'd have time to drive BACK to the courthouse, where first the lady told me the judges had closed at 4, then the other lady said she might be able to squeeze me in. Sat there for about 15 minutes and the court clerk called me upstairs - judge signed my petition. They set a review hearing for 5/22, so I have to go back then to have the final order issued.
Drove home with my paperwork, ready to send it off to the publisher in order to meet the 3-weeks-of-published-notice requirement. Realized when I got home that they gave me only one of the two documents I need. So now I have to find another day when I can either come in late or leave early so that I can go back to the courthouse, pick up the second document, and fulfill the publication requirement before I leave the country. Ugh. Really annoyed, because it means a lot of gas and time away from work, and the courthouse is only open during the times I'm supposed to be at work.
In the meantime, I got a phone call yesterday morning that my sister-in-law is pregnant. She and my brother have only been trying for about 6 months. And while I am happy for them - I truly am - and I know they're super excited and they deserve to be, I had to retreat into my own space for a while to process. Twenty five grand we've spent on this. Pills, injections, more doctors' visits than I can count, being probed and stabbed over and over again. Flights and hotel and wiring money and ordering meds overseas and traveling halfway around the world... finally, FINALLY getting pregnant only to lose the baby... and we're no closer to our baby now than we were fifteen months ago when we started all this. Yet after six months, my brother and his wife get pregnant, easy as that.
I know the world isn't always fair. I know that just because we're struggling with infertility doesn't mean the rest of the world should have to. And I don't wish this awfulness and stress on anybody. But it does make me rage at the universe, a little. I want a baby so badly. I feel, though I know it's ridiculous and irrelevant, that surely we've "earned" pregnancy by now. Surely it should be our "turn". Surely the world should be more fair than this.
I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I was a bigger person. I wish I was graceful and kind and loving and generous and selfless. I want to be joyful and patient through all of this, to just sit back and enjoy the adventure, the mystery, the anticipation, the exotic foreign travel. Yet I'm mad, and I don't even have anyone to be mad AT.
But there is a silver lining. If this next round works my SIL and I can be pregnancy buddies... we can share our experiences throughout the stages of pregnancy, and have our babies at almost the same time, and end up with cousins super close in age. That would make for a fun time at family gatherings, since they'd have automatic playmates. I might even allow myself to believe, if this next round is successful, that that's how it was meant to be.... that maybe the REASON I miscarried, the reason we've had to wait so long, is because fate always meant for us to have babies at the same time.
It's just really hard to keep up hope right now. I'm so afraid of hoping. I'm so afraid of giving up. I'm so tired, tired, tired of the nonstop uncertainty. I'm afraid that all this fear is going to keep me from getting pregnant, in and of itself. Getting pregnant was supposed to be fun. Changing my name was supposed to be fun (it's high time I got rid of my ex's last name and moved on with my life.) Having my next book published was supposed to be fun, but somehow I think my skin has gotten thinner, because every negative comment is getting to me and they never used to before. Not good. You can't be any sort of creative professional and be that sensitive.
My self-confidence is taking such a beating these last few days, and I just want to curl up and hide until it's over. I need something good to happen. I need some success to come at me and reassure me that I don't suck as a human being. Of course, I'd be more than content to continue to let the world keep beating me up in exchange for a sticky BFP this time. I could take anything the world throws at me with a happy heart, if only I could just get pregnant again and get to keep it.
If I hadn't lost my baby, I'd be at nineteen weeks or so right now. Almost halfway there. It's hard to imagine. Is it normal that the more time goes by, the MORE you miss a baby that you were barely even pregnant with?
Anyway, I can't think about that for too long or I start crying again. Forward. Have to think forward. I will be in Greece in a week and a half or so. I'll have days to myself to loaf around a hotel, hopefully swim in a pool, read books, write, surf the internet, SLEEP - whatever I want. We have another chance, when I didn't think that we would for a long time. And nothing I do can change fate. I follow my med protocol, I get my butt to Greece, I show up to get my embryos, I stay healthy and hydrated and nutriented and restful. That's all I can do. The rest is just a roll of the dice and a prayer.
I went to the bank today and finalized the transfer of 4800 Euro to the Greek clinic. Also hoping everything goes smoothly and that the 4800 is accepted, since that's what they originally quoted me.
I finally, finally got my IRS background check back for my name change. You know, the paperwork I started right after I got my BFP in December. So I took a long lunch yesterday and went to the county courthouse, about 20 minutes and 20 miles from work, to file the paperwork. Got it filed and paid my $120, only to be told that the judges were on lunch and if I wanted to wait, I could get it signed. I couldn't wait, because I had a meeting at work I had to get back to. They said okay, if I could get back by 4:30 I could get it signed then.
Drove back to work, went to the meeting. Left the meeting a little early so I'd have time to drive BACK to the courthouse, where first the lady told me the judges had closed at 4, then the other lady said she might be able to squeeze me in. Sat there for about 15 minutes and the court clerk called me upstairs - judge signed my petition. They set a review hearing for 5/22, so I have to go back then to have the final order issued.
Drove home with my paperwork, ready to send it off to the publisher in order to meet the 3-weeks-of-published-notice requirement. Realized when I got home that they gave me only one of the two documents I need. So now I have to find another day when I can either come in late or leave early so that I can go back to the courthouse, pick up the second document, and fulfill the publication requirement before I leave the country. Ugh. Really annoyed, because it means a lot of gas and time away from work, and the courthouse is only open during the times I'm supposed to be at work.
In the meantime, I got a phone call yesterday morning that my sister-in-law is pregnant. She and my brother have only been trying for about 6 months. And while I am happy for them - I truly am - and I know they're super excited and they deserve to be, I had to retreat into my own space for a while to process. Twenty five grand we've spent on this. Pills, injections, more doctors' visits than I can count, being probed and stabbed over and over again. Flights and hotel and wiring money and ordering meds overseas and traveling halfway around the world... finally, FINALLY getting pregnant only to lose the baby... and we're no closer to our baby now than we were fifteen months ago when we started all this. Yet after six months, my brother and his wife get pregnant, easy as that.
I know the world isn't always fair. I know that just because we're struggling with infertility doesn't mean the rest of the world should have to. And I don't wish this awfulness and stress on anybody. But it does make me rage at the universe, a little. I want a baby so badly. I feel, though I know it's ridiculous and irrelevant, that surely we've "earned" pregnancy by now. Surely it should be our "turn". Surely the world should be more fair than this.
I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I was a bigger person. I wish I was graceful and kind and loving and generous and selfless. I want to be joyful and patient through all of this, to just sit back and enjoy the adventure, the mystery, the anticipation, the exotic foreign travel. Yet I'm mad, and I don't even have anyone to be mad AT.
But there is a silver lining. If this next round works my SIL and I can be pregnancy buddies... we can share our experiences throughout the stages of pregnancy, and have our babies at almost the same time, and end up with cousins super close in age. That would make for a fun time at family gatherings, since they'd have automatic playmates. I might even allow myself to believe, if this next round is successful, that that's how it was meant to be.... that maybe the REASON I miscarried, the reason we've had to wait so long, is because fate always meant for us to have babies at the same time.
It's just really hard to keep up hope right now. I'm so afraid of hoping. I'm so afraid of giving up. I'm so tired, tired, tired of the nonstop uncertainty. I'm afraid that all this fear is going to keep me from getting pregnant, in and of itself. Getting pregnant was supposed to be fun. Changing my name was supposed to be fun (it's high time I got rid of my ex's last name and moved on with my life.) Having my next book published was supposed to be fun, but somehow I think my skin has gotten thinner, because every negative comment is getting to me and they never used to before. Not good. You can't be any sort of creative professional and be that sensitive.
My self-confidence is taking such a beating these last few days, and I just want to curl up and hide until it's over. I need something good to happen. I need some success to come at me and reassure me that I don't suck as a human being. Of course, I'd be more than content to continue to let the world keep beating me up in exchange for a sticky BFP this time. I could take anything the world throws at me with a happy heart, if only I could just get pregnant again and get to keep it.
If I hadn't lost my baby, I'd be at nineteen weeks or so right now. Almost halfway there. It's hard to imagine. Is it normal that the more time goes by, the MORE you miss a baby that you were barely even pregnant with?
Anyway, I can't think about that for too long or I start crying again. Forward. Have to think forward. I will be in Greece in a week and a half or so. I'll have days to myself to loaf around a hotel, hopefully swim in a pool, read books, write, surf the internet, SLEEP - whatever I want. We have another chance, when I didn't think that we would for a long time. And nothing I do can change fate. I follow my med protocol, I get my butt to Greece, I show up to get my embryos, I stay healthy and hydrated and nutriented and restful. That's all I can do. The rest is just a roll of the dice and a prayer.
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