Barring any unexpected court objections, by tomorrow afternoon I will legally have a new name. That means today is my last day of living with my ex's last name. Kind of sad that I've now had her last name for longer than the period of time we were even married...
I always disliked the last name I was born with, and was so excited to change my name when I married my ex. One of the things that felt the most jarring about the dissolution of our relationship was that now not only did it feel like the life I had planned for myself was gone, but I didn't even really feel at home in my own name anymore. And I've continued to live with that name for the last three and a half years, partly because changing one's name is a pain in the ass, and partly because I didn't have any idea what I would choose for a name instead, as I really didn't want to go back to my birth name.
At the same time, I really don't want to take anybody else's name for my own ever again. While I am confident that Kaitlin and I are going to have a lasting marriage, the name change process is long and annoying, and I've learned that there's something about taking someone else's name that sort of ties your identity to another person, and I didn't really like that. Also, Kaitlin's last name starts with a "P", and my birth last name started with a "P", and one of the reasons I was so excited to replace my birth name was because I grew up as "Meghann P" (there were five other Megan's in my elementary school) and as you can imagine, the kids weren't always so nice about that and I hated the way it sounded.
So what Kaitlin and I decided is that my birth middle name (which was my Irish/Scottish great-grandmother's maiden name) will be my last name, and after we get married she'll be taking that name for her last name too. And I decided to use the name we've picked out for a daughter as my middle name (in case we never have a daughter, I still just love the name so much and want to be able to use it somewhere.)
As of tomorrow, then, I will have a very very VERY Irish name. And can begin the process of changing all my work and legal and financial stuff over.
The last time I changed my name it was a complete thrill. I was so, so excited. This time it feels more somber, somehow. Less giddy, but also like a burden's being lifted. I also sold my engagement ring, the one I had with my ex, on Ebay this week. Mailed it off yesterday. My old wedding band is up on Ebay too, and the money I get from both is going into our TTC account for July's attempt. And just a couple weeks ago, I gave my old wedding dress to Goodwill. So it feels a little bit like this name change is wrapping up the last vestiges of my old life. I really am moving on into a fresh beginning - I guess it adds a little bit of irrational hope that maybe if I close the door on all that it will encourage fate to give me a baby, to open a new door? I realize that's silly, but I guess it's my inner self trying to bargain with the universe, in a way.
I had originally planned to get pregnant, then do the name change, then Kaitlin and I would elope, and when baby arrived he/she would be born into our new family name. When I got pregnant in December I started the name change process. Though our baby didn't make it, it seemed like a waste not to follow through with the name change, since the process costs money up front for the background checks. So it's with mixed emotions that I go off to my hearing tomorrow. On the one hand, I'm really happy to be moving on with at least one part of my life. On the other, the plan was always that by the time I got to my name change hearing I'd be pregnant, but there won't be any baby with me tomorrow.
Had a dream last night that we were awakened by a baby crying down the hall, and Kaitlin got up and went down there to check in on the room that we plan for the nursery... and I had this huge sense of happiness that oh my gosh, we are parents after all. I think a part of me knew it was a dream, but I really didn't want to wake up.
Here's hoping that the third try will be a charm, and July's attempt will finally FINALLY be our month.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Thursday, May 14, 2015
A Little Positive Thinking
Since this blog is often majorly an outlet for all my negativity and disappointment, it seems only fair to make sure there are also entries on days when I'm feeling pretty positive about this whole thing.
Yes, it's been a long journey and we haven't arrived yet. But there's a part of me that's also really proud to have fought so hard and long for this without giving up. That's really grateful to have the resources to keep fighting. And today, looking back on all of this, I have the most bizarre emotion - enjoyment. Yeah. As if this whole thing, from today's perspective, has really been kind of fun. It's definitely challenging, and complex, and the most expensive gamble I've ever taken. But I feel like I really have made the wisest choices I could have possibly made with the options and resources available to me. I feel like I've given us the best chance of success all along.
And I feel optimistic that we aren't going to have to wave a white flag anytime soon. We try again in July. If that one doesn't work either, we can choose to try a fourth time - will probably be around December to get the savings together - or we can choose the adoption route.
You know what is the primary driver of this sudden bout of optimism? Digging into our finances with xcel spreadsheets. We've decided that I'm going to take over the management of Kaitlin's money, mostly because she hates managing money and misses opportunities to do it well. So I'm taking it over, and realizing I can probably have her nearly out of debt in 5 years. She's on an IBR for her student loans, and as a teacher, we can get the vast majority of the balance forgiven after 10 years, with just a little consistent paperwork. And what's more, I'm pretty sure I can help her save up enough to come to Greece with me for round #3. Just having her there will reduce the stress in a major way. She can pull luggage, give me the injections, and be someone to talk to and relax with.
The Greek clinic has a sperm donor in stock, and if we use his sample we don't have to pay extra for another sample. That makes the 4500 Euro / $5000 treatment fee the only real fee we have to worry about. The donor is 6ft tall, brown hair, blue/gray eyes, healthy and has prior pregnancies... and at this point we're not really caring much about either donor, aside from their probability of success.
Otherwise, we each need money for a plane ticket, the hotel room (breakfasts are included), enough money for lunches, dinners, and taxis to the clinic (about $6 each way, at the hotel I stayed at last time) and enough to cover some "replacement" progesterone, estrogen and heparin - about 2 weeks worth since that's all I used this round.
Today, I am feeling relatively confident that persistence is going to win out. That we're going to get our baby if we keep trying. And I am so very, very grateful, as I look at our income and bills, that there is a way for us to keep doing this. Yes, it's tight. Yes, it means giving up a lot of our wants, waiting on things we'd really like to have - home improvements, vacations, going to the movies, eating out, our Vegas elopement... but it's POSSIBLE. At least it's actually possible.
So. Let's get through the next weeks working hard, saving carefully, and being grateful for things like
sleeping in and housecleaning time on the weekends and the ability to be spontaneous while we still can... And keep our eye on the prize in July.
Yes, it's been a long journey and we haven't arrived yet. But there's a part of me that's also really proud to have fought so hard and long for this without giving up. That's really grateful to have the resources to keep fighting. And today, looking back on all of this, I have the most bizarre emotion - enjoyment. Yeah. As if this whole thing, from today's perspective, has really been kind of fun. It's definitely challenging, and complex, and the most expensive gamble I've ever taken. But I feel like I really have made the wisest choices I could have possibly made with the options and resources available to me. I feel like I've given us the best chance of success all along.
And I feel optimistic that we aren't going to have to wave a white flag anytime soon. We try again in July. If that one doesn't work either, we can choose to try a fourth time - will probably be around December to get the savings together - or we can choose the adoption route.
You know what is the primary driver of this sudden bout of optimism? Digging into our finances with xcel spreadsheets. We've decided that I'm going to take over the management of Kaitlin's money, mostly because she hates managing money and misses opportunities to do it well. So I'm taking it over, and realizing I can probably have her nearly out of debt in 5 years. She's on an IBR for her student loans, and as a teacher, we can get the vast majority of the balance forgiven after 10 years, with just a little consistent paperwork. And what's more, I'm pretty sure I can help her save up enough to come to Greece with me for round #3. Just having her there will reduce the stress in a major way. She can pull luggage, give me the injections, and be someone to talk to and relax with.
The Greek clinic has a sperm donor in stock, and if we use his sample we don't have to pay extra for another sample. That makes the 4500 Euro / $5000 treatment fee the only real fee we have to worry about. The donor is 6ft tall, brown hair, blue/gray eyes, healthy and has prior pregnancies... and at this point we're not really caring much about either donor, aside from their probability of success.
Otherwise, we each need money for a plane ticket, the hotel room (breakfasts are included), enough money for lunches, dinners, and taxis to the clinic (about $6 each way, at the hotel I stayed at last time) and enough to cover some "replacement" progesterone, estrogen and heparin - about 2 weeks worth since that's all I used this round.
Today, I am feeling relatively confident that persistence is going to win out. That we're going to get our baby if we keep trying. And I am so very, very grateful, as I look at our income and bills, that there is a way for us to keep doing this. Yes, it's tight. Yes, it means giving up a lot of our wants, waiting on things we'd really like to have - home improvements, vacations, going to the movies, eating out, our Vegas elopement... but it's POSSIBLE. At least it's actually possible.
So. Let's get through the next weeks working hard, saving carefully, and being grateful for things like
sleeping in and housecleaning time on the weekends and the ability to be spontaneous while we still can... And keep our eye on the prize in July.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Deep breath
So it's been almost a week since the BFN. I am sane again. About 24 hours after stopping the meds, I felt like a whole different person - still disappointed and sad, but calm and rational. It is incredible what a difference a few chemicals can make to the way your brain (and even heart) is able to process situations. PS, this is why there shouldn't be stigma about using meds for depression, anxiety, etc. I am telling you, the right balance of chemicals can literally mean the difference between being yourself and being something you don't even recognize.
Anyway. Less than 48 hours after stopping the meds, AF showed up again. I think my body's been *longing* for a good AF for weeks now, and it actually feels like something of a relief. The Greek clinic sent me a prescription for Lupron, and I just ordered 3 more vials. They're charging 4500 for a third round - about $5K. The plane tickets will be twice as much, since I used up all my airline miles, but basically I'll be doing meds, procedure, plane, hotel, and only as much money as I need to eat while I'm there, and that's it. Kaitlin's hoping to save up enough to come with me this time too, and that would be a huge stress relief.
So right now I'm feeling kind of meh about the whole thing. Not that I don't want it anymore, but I think there's only so much disappointment my heart can handle before it starts distancing itself for a little while. I need something else to let my heart be happy about, something "safer."
Yesterday was awful at work, but I'm grateful because today seems to have actually solved most of the problems that yesterday looked unsolvable. I'm feeling pretty good about myself and my competency and whatnot today, and that's a nice place to be. And, over the weekend I made some really, really cute little doll clothes, so the plan is to make some complete outfits and see if I can't get some cash through Etsy or something to help supplement this next round.
Onward and forward, I guess...
Anyway. Less than 48 hours after stopping the meds, AF showed up again. I think my body's been *longing* for a good AF for weeks now, and it actually feels like something of a relief. The Greek clinic sent me a prescription for Lupron, and I just ordered 3 more vials. They're charging 4500 for a third round - about $5K. The plane tickets will be twice as much, since I used up all my airline miles, but basically I'll be doing meds, procedure, plane, hotel, and only as much money as I need to eat while I'm there, and that's it. Kaitlin's hoping to save up enough to come with me this time too, and that would be a huge stress relief.
So right now I'm feeling kind of meh about the whole thing. Not that I don't want it anymore, but I think there's only so much disappointment my heart can handle before it starts distancing itself for a little while. I need something else to let my heart be happy about, something "safer."
Yesterday was awful at work, but I'm grateful because today seems to have actually solved most of the problems that yesterday looked unsolvable. I'm feeling pretty good about myself and my competency and whatnot today, and that's a nice place to be. And, over the weekend I made some really, really cute little doll clothes, so the plan is to make some complete outfits and see if I can't get some cash through Etsy or something to help supplement this next round.
Onward and forward, I guess...
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
BFN
Results are in.
At least I can stop the meds now, and maybe that will help me get my emotions back under control, because right now I feel like a complete mess. Emailed the the Greek clinic. Asked how soon they would recommend we try again, asked how much a third attempt would cost, and asked for another Lupron prescription.
Starting over. Again. Alone in a hell of infertility that only Kaitlin knows about, while everyone else around me goes on merrily with their happy, fertile, normal, baby-rich lives.
This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be freaking Wonder Woman by now.
But first I'm going home to have wine. Hoping AF shows up soon, because in spite of the crazy progesterone I am feeling cramps, like my body is desperate for one... I am, after all, only like three weeks overdue. At this point it almost seems like it would feel like a relief.
At least I can stop the meds now, and maybe that will help me get my emotions back under control, because right now I feel like a complete mess. Emailed the the Greek clinic. Asked how soon they would recommend we try again, asked how much a third attempt would cost, and asked for another Lupron prescription.
Starting over. Again. Alone in a hell of infertility that only Kaitlin knows about, while everyone else around me goes on merrily with their happy, fertile, normal, baby-rich lives.
This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be freaking Wonder Woman by now.
But first I'm going home to have wine. Hoping AF shows up soon, because in spite of the crazy progesterone I am feeling cramps, like my body is desperate for one... I am, after all, only like three weeks overdue. At this point it almost seems like it would feel like a relief.
IVF#2 12DP5DT - Beta Day
Another BFN on the HPT last night. Got up early this morning, let Kaitlin give me my heparin shot, took my meds, and went to the doctor's office for the blood draw. Just waiting to get the results this afternoon so that I can stop taking the medication. I have never wanted confirmation of a BFN more than I do right now. I know that we failed. But I wish I was wrong, so badly, that I am desperate for that piece of paper that tells me I can stop going through the motions. Stop taking the medication, stop wondering about every little twinge, stop worrying about cold medicine and coffee and alcohol and just get on with my still-childless life.
I don't remember the other BFNs being this hard. I don't remember being in this much pain while at work even during the miscarriage... probably because in that case, I took days off through the worst of it. I don't feel like I deserve days off for just another BFN. It's not like my life is over. I'm not even physically as uncomfortable as I am during a normal AF. I just feel a whole lot of nothing. A whole lot of empty. My emotions are on overdrive because of the estrogen, and I can't wait to be able to stop taking it.
My heart is so broken. I feel so broken. Thirty thousand dollars later, we are no closer to having a baby in our arms than we were when we started. I am tired and bitter and more sad than I know how to put into words. I don't know how to give up on this. Yet I don't know how I can keep going, either. How do people do this? How do they get through years and years of this? How do they AFFORD it?
All I want right now is retail therapy. After months of scrimping and saving and forgoing every little thing I wanted in order to add pennies to our TTC savings account, all I want is to buy anything that seems like it might make me feel better. And it's probably the worst and most self-destructive thing I can do, because money is what makes the TTC journey go round. I'm going to be paying off the debt we're already in for the next ten years, and we didn't even get a baby out of it.
Today is a sucktacular day, and all I can think about is getting to that test result - just a few more hours now, I can make it that long, right? - so that I can go home, hate my life, drink a bottle of wine, cry until I can't think anymore, and wake up tomorrow without meds, without injections, without hope. Right now the greatest happiness available to me will be hopelessness. At least if there's no hope, it doesn't hurt so much.
So I realize that writing all of this out, the fact that this is the way my heart really feels, the fact that this is, I guess, the whiny, bitter, self-centered person I actually am, is pretty revealing, isn't it? I don't like the person that I am right now. I don't want to be this negative. I don't want to be this angry. I don't want to be such a diva about things that aren't going right in my life. After all, the world doesn't revolve around me. And I should be spending this time caring for other people's problems and sadness instead of wallowing in my own. One of the girls at the RE's office today called me a "trooper." I wanted to hug her and punch her at the same time. It's nice that someone might think of me that way, but I know it's a lie. Because I'm not trooping, I'm drowning in self-pity and failure and pain and jealousy and anger and tears.
I want to be a strong person, a courageous person who faces disappointment with love and kindness and selflessness and grace, but I'm not. I'm tapped out, I've got nothing left. Today it's all about surviving through the next ten seconds. And then the next ten seconds. And then the next. Until life has moved on enough that I can move on too.
So.
Once I get the results I'm not waiting for the Greek clinic to tell me to stop the meds, I'm just stopping. When I send them the results, I'll ask them for another Lupron prescription, so that I can order the meds again - it will take a month or more to get them so I might as well get them ordered now. That will be another $537. I'll also ask her to tell me how long they would recommend I wait before trying again, and how much their fee will be for a third attempt. Then I spend the next couple of weekends selling everything possible on Ebay and Craigslist. I avoid driving anywhere I don't have to drive, I eat as little as possible and avoid grocery shopping for as long as possible. I don't buy anything else for my little doll or sewing supplies. When I get my next royalty check the whole thing goes into the TTC savings account. I just literally don't spend ANYTHING, don't buy ANYTHING, that is not absolutely necessary. I avoid seeing my family, especially my pregnant SIL, as much as humanly possible - which is going to be really difficult over the summer, since that's the time when we all have birthdays and get together monthly, and I don't know how I'm going to get out of all of them.
And maybe, just MAYBE, we'll be able to take another stab at this in July or August. It will be the last. If it doesn't work... It will be a year before I can even begin to hope to have enough money to do anything else. Of course, I keep saying that, and as soon as failure strikes I seem to come up with another way to find money. I suppose a fourth try could go entirely on a credit card, but that just seems really stupid. Though adoption fees... If I spent money on an adoption and home study before the end of this year, I think I could get it all pretty much back in taxes next year. So maybe that's what we'll have to do... try one more IVF, and if it doesn't work, sign up with an adoption agency, charge the whole fee to a credit card, then write it off on taxes so that we get it refunded... and wait to see if there's any birth mother out there who will choose us.
Funny, how all the IVF bloggers I've found and followed never really seem to talk much about the money part of their attempts. Maybe they have insurance covering them, or have a partner who's footing the bills, or someone lending it to them, I don't know. But I don't have any of that, and it's maybe the biggest stressor of this entire process, worse even than the hormones and the injections and the TWW.
And the only thing that keeps me going right now is knowing that if we ever DO get a baby out of all of this, it will all suddenly seem more than worth it. It would be something I would do over again without question, if I KNEW the outcome was going to be eventual success. But right now we're in that uncertain limbo where never-succeeding is still a very real possibility, and then all of this is going to be the biggest waste, the biggest losing bet, of my life.
Break's over. Have to get started on some actual work now... the last thing I need is to get fired on top of everything else.
I don't remember the other BFNs being this hard. I don't remember being in this much pain while at work even during the miscarriage... probably because in that case, I took days off through the worst of it. I don't feel like I deserve days off for just another BFN. It's not like my life is over. I'm not even physically as uncomfortable as I am during a normal AF. I just feel a whole lot of nothing. A whole lot of empty. My emotions are on overdrive because of the estrogen, and I can't wait to be able to stop taking it.
My heart is so broken. I feel so broken. Thirty thousand dollars later, we are no closer to having a baby in our arms than we were when we started. I am tired and bitter and more sad than I know how to put into words. I don't know how to give up on this. Yet I don't know how I can keep going, either. How do people do this? How do they get through years and years of this? How do they AFFORD it?
All I want right now is retail therapy. After months of scrimping and saving and forgoing every little thing I wanted in order to add pennies to our TTC savings account, all I want is to buy anything that seems like it might make me feel better. And it's probably the worst and most self-destructive thing I can do, because money is what makes the TTC journey go round. I'm going to be paying off the debt we're already in for the next ten years, and we didn't even get a baby out of it.
Today is a sucktacular day, and all I can think about is getting to that test result - just a few more hours now, I can make it that long, right? - so that I can go home, hate my life, drink a bottle of wine, cry until I can't think anymore, and wake up tomorrow without meds, without injections, without hope. Right now the greatest happiness available to me will be hopelessness. At least if there's no hope, it doesn't hurt so much.
So I realize that writing all of this out, the fact that this is the way my heart really feels, the fact that this is, I guess, the whiny, bitter, self-centered person I actually am, is pretty revealing, isn't it? I don't like the person that I am right now. I don't want to be this negative. I don't want to be this angry. I don't want to be such a diva about things that aren't going right in my life. After all, the world doesn't revolve around me. And I should be spending this time caring for other people's problems and sadness instead of wallowing in my own. One of the girls at the RE's office today called me a "trooper." I wanted to hug her and punch her at the same time. It's nice that someone might think of me that way, but I know it's a lie. Because I'm not trooping, I'm drowning in self-pity and failure and pain and jealousy and anger and tears.
I want to be a strong person, a courageous person who faces disappointment with love and kindness and selflessness and grace, but I'm not. I'm tapped out, I've got nothing left. Today it's all about surviving through the next ten seconds. And then the next ten seconds. And then the next. Until life has moved on enough that I can move on too.
So.
Once I get the results I'm not waiting for the Greek clinic to tell me to stop the meds, I'm just stopping. When I send them the results, I'll ask them for another Lupron prescription, so that I can order the meds again - it will take a month or more to get them so I might as well get them ordered now. That will be another $537. I'll also ask her to tell me how long they would recommend I wait before trying again, and how much their fee will be for a third attempt. Then I spend the next couple of weekends selling everything possible on Ebay and Craigslist. I avoid driving anywhere I don't have to drive, I eat as little as possible and avoid grocery shopping for as long as possible. I don't buy anything else for my little doll or sewing supplies. When I get my next royalty check the whole thing goes into the TTC savings account. I just literally don't spend ANYTHING, don't buy ANYTHING, that is not absolutely necessary. I avoid seeing my family, especially my pregnant SIL, as much as humanly possible - which is going to be really difficult over the summer, since that's the time when we all have birthdays and get together monthly, and I don't know how I'm going to get out of all of them.
And maybe, just MAYBE, we'll be able to take another stab at this in July or August. It will be the last. If it doesn't work... It will be a year before I can even begin to hope to have enough money to do anything else. Of course, I keep saying that, and as soon as failure strikes I seem to come up with another way to find money. I suppose a fourth try could go entirely on a credit card, but that just seems really stupid. Though adoption fees... If I spent money on an adoption and home study before the end of this year, I think I could get it all pretty much back in taxes next year. So maybe that's what we'll have to do... try one more IVF, and if it doesn't work, sign up with an adoption agency, charge the whole fee to a credit card, then write it off on taxes so that we get it refunded... and wait to see if there's any birth mother out there who will choose us.
Funny, how all the IVF bloggers I've found and followed never really seem to talk much about the money part of their attempts. Maybe they have insurance covering them, or have a partner who's footing the bills, or someone lending it to them, I don't know. But I don't have any of that, and it's maybe the biggest stressor of this entire process, worse even than the hormones and the injections and the TWW.
And the only thing that keeps me going right now is knowing that if we ever DO get a baby out of all of this, it will all suddenly seem more than worth it. It would be something I would do over again without question, if I KNEW the outcome was going to be eventual success. But right now we're in that uncertain limbo where never-succeeding is still a very real possibility, and then all of this is going to be the biggest waste, the biggest losing bet, of my life.
Break's over. Have to get started on some actual work now... the last thing I need is to get fired on top of everything else.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
IVF#2 11DP5DT - Still negative
Got another BFN last night and didn't even bother testing this morning. I'll probably test once more tonight but I know there isn't much point. Also, the Greek clinic hasn't sent me the letter I need to even have the blood beta tomorrow. I've asked for it three times. So I'm going to have to ask the doctor himself, because I can't actually even be seen by my doctor without it, and I can't stop taking the meds until the Greek clinic says so, and I really don't want to do any more injections.
Kaitlin and I are talking about pulling out all the stops... and by that I mean maxing out the HELOC and selling everything we possibly can and maybe floating the rest on a credit card... for one more shot over the summer. And if that doesn't work, I don't think we have any hope of getting pregnant. We can't afford to keep throwing money at this, at $8000 a pop. We may have to look into adoption - but I don't know if we'll have the money for it for a long time.
I'm going to work late tonight so that I don't have to go have dinner with my family. I just can't sit there with my pregnant SIL and pretend like I'm okay. I kind of don't want to see her, at least not for a little while... at least until I feel like I'll be able to do it without my heart shredding with envy and self-loathing.
Never in a million years, when we started this a year and a half ago, did I imagine it was going to come to this. I never thought I'd pour this much money and heart and time and physical bodily strain and stress into something and still come out of it as empty handed as when we began. Never did I imagine that I wouldn't be the first to give my parents a grandchild. It never occurred to me that we would actually FAIL. I guess I always thought at some point, somewhere down the line, we WOULD have a baby... we just had to keep trying.
But you can't make something happen just by trying. This is one of those times when the cheery "if you believe, you can achieve!!!" bullshit is exactly that. No amount of believing is going to give us a baby. Only money. Money, and luck. And even when I've been able to scrape one together, the other continues to ignore me.
Kaitlin's going to ask her Mom today to try and find out how serious this acquaintance of hers is about adoption. We would do it in a HEARTBEAT if she's serious, but it's such a delicate, uncertain thing that it doesn't seem possible it's going to pan out.
Anyway. That's where life is today. Empty, tapped out, and tired. But maybe we've got one more round in us. Just one...
Kaitlin and I are talking about pulling out all the stops... and by that I mean maxing out the HELOC and selling everything we possibly can and maybe floating the rest on a credit card... for one more shot over the summer. And if that doesn't work, I don't think we have any hope of getting pregnant. We can't afford to keep throwing money at this, at $8000 a pop. We may have to look into adoption - but I don't know if we'll have the money for it for a long time.
I'm going to work late tonight so that I don't have to go have dinner with my family. I just can't sit there with my pregnant SIL and pretend like I'm okay. I kind of don't want to see her, at least not for a little while... at least until I feel like I'll be able to do it without my heart shredding with envy and self-loathing.
Never in a million years, when we started this a year and a half ago, did I imagine it was going to come to this. I never thought I'd pour this much money and heart and time and physical bodily strain and stress into something and still come out of it as empty handed as when we began. Never did I imagine that I wouldn't be the first to give my parents a grandchild. It never occurred to me that we would actually FAIL. I guess I always thought at some point, somewhere down the line, we WOULD have a baby... we just had to keep trying.
But you can't make something happen just by trying. This is one of those times when the cheery "if you believe, you can achieve!!!" bullshit is exactly that. No amount of believing is going to give us a baby. Only money. Money, and luck. And even when I've been able to scrape one together, the other continues to ignore me.
Kaitlin's going to ask her Mom today to try and find out how serious this acquaintance of hers is about adoption. We would do it in a HEARTBEAT if she's serious, but it's such a delicate, uncertain thing that it doesn't seem possible it's going to pan out.
Anyway. That's where life is today. Empty, tapped out, and tired. But maybe we've got one more round in us. Just one...
Monday, May 4, 2015
IVF#2 10DP5DT - BFN is Imminent
Tested all weekend, all BFNs. Was super duper sick, too - don't know if it was allergies or a cold, but could not stop sneezing, itchy eyes, horrible headache and congestion, runny nose, the works. I've stopped peeing every ten seconds, which was one of the first signs during the m/c that told me it was over. I no longer feel nauseous, or really anything at all. All symptoms gone, and stark white negatives twice a day.
We're still doing the meds until my blood test on Wednesday, but I have no hope left. I know in my heart that it didn't work. And I feel... so defeated. So empty and exhausted and bitter. I'm supposed to go to two family events in the next week, where I will have to sit at the same table with my newly-pregnant SIL and listen to the family gush over her, while I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to scrape together enough money to go back for a third -- and likely final -- attempt. I don't want to go to the family things, and I'm probably going to chicken out and come up with some kind of excuse. I don't think I can handle it.
I might be able to pull off a third attempt over the summer. I sold some rims and tires this weekend on Craigslist for $200. I have an expensive doll and some handmade clothes and a ton of accessories that I bet I can get about $400 for - maybe more. I also think I might start designing, making and selling American Girl doll clothes on Etsy, as I think I can probably make some decent cash with it. Add to that at least one more royalty check, and maxing out my HELOC by pulling out the last remaining $5000 (putting me the full $20K in debt) and being as stingy as possible with money for the next three months, I think I can put together enough to go back again this summer.
The earliest I could go back would be probably July, because once the Greek docs tell me to stop the meds I have to wait for AF. Usually about 11 - 15 days into AF, they have me start Lupron - I'll need to order it and pay an extra $100 for shipping to get it in time. Then I wait for AF again, and start estrogen/progesterone right after, and I keep that up until the donor's cycle is lined up with mine and her retrieval happens. Then I go out there, get the transfer, come home... and do the TWW again.
And if it doesn't work... I don't know. We'll be completely tapped out, money wise. Maybe when we get a tax refund next year we can use it to start the process of adoption.
There's one very, very pale glimmer of another possibility - Kaitlin's mom apparently knows a young woman who is pregnant and considering giving the baby up for adoption. We told her to please, please let her friend know we would absolutely love to be considered as adoptive parents for her baby. It would be an open adoption, I'm sure, but the child would know who both his/her birth parents are pretty much their entire lives, and while that might be inconvenient a little for us, it would be invaluable, I think, for a kiddo to grow up with that sense of identity and self.
If this were to pan out, we'd have to do a home study, and probably a ton of legal/attorney fees. We might help the birth mother with her birthing expenses too. But there's an adoption tax credit that could then reimburse us maybe for the cost of everything, since we wouldn't have to pay an adoption agency to find us a birth mom. Travel expenses wouldn't be too bad, since I guess the birth mom is only about 5 hours away from us.
I guess it just sounds too good to be true, and I'm trying not to get my heart too set on the idea. But here we are with a pregnancy that's HERE, that's HAPPENING right now, and if there was any way... ANY WAY... that she would choose to give us this gift I would do anything to make it happen.
Anyway. Sitting at work now, trying to get back into the swing of childless day-to-day life. Wishing for a miracle. Wishing for another chance. Wishing to win the lottery.
We're still doing the meds until my blood test on Wednesday, but I have no hope left. I know in my heart that it didn't work. And I feel... so defeated. So empty and exhausted and bitter. I'm supposed to go to two family events in the next week, where I will have to sit at the same table with my newly-pregnant SIL and listen to the family gush over her, while I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to scrape together enough money to go back for a third -- and likely final -- attempt. I don't want to go to the family things, and I'm probably going to chicken out and come up with some kind of excuse. I don't think I can handle it.
I might be able to pull off a third attempt over the summer. I sold some rims and tires this weekend on Craigslist for $200. I have an expensive doll and some handmade clothes and a ton of accessories that I bet I can get about $400 for - maybe more. I also think I might start designing, making and selling American Girl doll clothes on Etsy, as I think I can probably make some decent cash with it. Add to that at least one more royalty check, and maxing out my HELOC by pulling out the last remaining $5000 (putting me the full $20K in debt) and being as stingy as possible with money for the next three months, I think I can put together enough to go back again this summer.
The earliest I could go back would be probably July, because once the Greek docs tell me to stop the meds I have to wait for AF. Usually about 11 - 15 days into AF, they have me start Lupron - I'll need to order it and pay an extra $100 for shipping to get it in time. Then I wait for AF again, and start estrogen/progesterone right after, and I keep that up until the donor's cycle is lined up with mine and her retrieval happens. Then I go out there, get the transfer, come home... and do the TWW again.
And if it doesn't work... I don't know. We'll be completely tapped out, money wise. Maybe when we get a tax refund next year we can use it to start the process of adoption.
There's one very, very pale glimmer of another possibility - Kaitlin's mom apparently knows a young woman who is pregnant and considering giving the baby up for adoption. We told her to please, please let her friend know we would absolutely love to be considered as adoptive parents for her baby. It would be an open adoption, I'm sure, but the child would know who both his/her birth parents are pretty much their entire lives, and while that might be inconvenient a little for us, it would be invaluable, I think, for a kiddo to grow up with that sense of identity and self.
If this were to pan out, we'd have to do a home study, and probably a ton of legal/attorney fees. We might help the birth mother with her birthing expenses too. But there's an adoption tax credit that could then reimburse us maybe for the cost of everything, since we wouldn't have to pay an adoption agency to find us a birth mom. Travel expenses wouldn't be too bad, since I guess the birth mom is only about 5 hours away from us.
I guess it just sounds too good to be true, and I'm trying not to get my heart too set on the idea. But here we are with a pregnancy that's HERE, that's HAPPENING right now, and if there was any way... ANY WAY... that she would choose to give us this gift I would do anything to make it happen.
Anyway. Sitting at work now, trying to get back into the swing of childless day-to-day life. Wishing for a miracle. Wishing for another chance. Wishing to win the lottery.
Friday, May 1, 2015
IVF#2 7DP5DT - Still no pink line
I tested way too often yesterday... like, five times. All BFNs.
Felt nauseous, hungry, and sense of smell is now so far into hyper drive that my nose is stuffy and running, as if I have allergies. I still am smelling EVERYDAMNTHING, like it's an essential oil under my nose. I put the tiniest dab of perfume on this morning and I think I'm going to have to go wipe it off, because it's all I can smell. I had to put my dog's blanket in the wash before I left the house, because it (and therefore her) reeked of pee... ew ew ew. The scent of the air freshener in our bathroom (roses and marshmallow) actually woke me up at 4 AM and I could not go back to sleep. O.o
I did come in to work super early, both because I was up at 4, and because I needed to clean my stinky fish tank so I don't have to sit here all day feeling pukey over the way it smells. Had cramps pretty much most of the day yesterday. Now they seem to be gone, and the only thing I'm currently experiencing is the hyper-sensitive nose.
But seeing those BFNs over and over has got me feeling pessimistic. Is it really possible to have ALL THESE SYMPTOMS - things I have never had before, even when I got my BFP last time - and still end up with a BFN?? Can I really be responding so much differently to the meds this round than last round? Don't people usually build up a tolerance for meds and get less sensitive to them rather than more? I know that the nausea, maybe even the sense of smell and vivid dreams and tiredness and hunger and all of that could be med-related, but can cramps really be related to meds? I know AF can't be coming, I'm on enough estrogen right now to probably hold off my period for like a year. :P (Seriously, I'm taking 12mg a day, and 800mg of progesterone a day...)
On the flip side, though, is it actually possible to have so many, many symptoms before the pregnancy's even far enough along to show up on a urine test? Has the pressure of TTC finally just broken my brain and now my body's actually experiencing pregnancy symptoms out of sheer hope?
Part of me feels certain we're having twins. Like... just... IF we're pregnant, it's twins. In fact, it's boy/girl twins. This is either womanly intuition or complete fantasy, I realize that, but there you have it. And part of me feels certain it's a BFN. That is mostly the bitter part, the part that really believes (fears) that the universe has no intention of ever letting me have this. That fate intends for me to grow old and die childless, and nothing I do is ever going to make a difference. I let my thoughts linger a little too long in that headspace and I quickly start getting depressed.
So I am trying to distract myself with things that are fun. For one, I am wearing another of my newly-thrifted outfits today. Yesterday I had a couple of people compliment my black and white outfit (even had one lady stop me in the hall and ask me to come back to her office with her so she could write down the name and location of the thrift store.) So today, being Friday and jeans-day at work, I am wearing jeans, a pink sweater with white lace sleeves, a long pendant necklace I bought in Greece with paper roses and a gold charm of the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, some dangly pink pearl earrings, and my Cinderella's-pumpkin-coach two-finger ring. Oh, and my super, super cute pink and white lolita oxfords. Had fun putting the outfit together, and I have a whole week of new outfits for next week to look forward to.
Also thinking about doll things, since I ordered a BJD (ball jointed doll) from AliExpress that appears to be about the same size/shape as an American Girl doll. Only the face is so much prettier, and she's going to be a lot more poseable, and I can't wait for her to arrive so I can get her measurements and see about buying and/or making clothes for her.
But what I really, really, really want is that second pink line. Pleasepleaseplease. My beta test isn't until 5/6, which is basically 12dp5dt, so I know that there's time still. But I think my heart could rest and rejoice, at least a little, if I could just get that second pink line. I know there'd still be the betas, and then waiting it out until an ultrasound and praying that I don't miscarry again... but all of that stuff is moot if that second pink line never shows up.
So... better just get started on the stuff that's on my desk, and make it through til lunch. I have decided I am only letting myself test three times today. And maybe only twice tomorrow... we'll see...
EDIT: So our system is down today, meaning there's a limited amount of work I can do besides making sure my staff are working (oh, the irony!) It also means I have an uncomfortable wealth of time in which to ponder my pregnancy status or lack thereof. I went back and reread my post from 7DPT last time - I don't think I was quite as anxious as I feel right now. I know I was sad and pessimistic, but I guess I forgot just how miserable the days of a TWW are. My brain swings from wanting to plan the nursery and google parenting tips for twins, to wanting to review our finances and calculate how much a third try will cost and how long it would take us to save up enough.
Sense of smell is still a little haywire, and now I have cramps and nausea again. Tired, and needing a fast-forward button on the clock so I can go home, or better yet, skip to next week so I can just find out once and for all whether this round is going anywhere. But I am trying to force myself to wait until later afternoon to test again, because after that I'll only allow myself one more test before going to bed. And my commonsense is jabbing me. "Dumdum!! STOP TESTING AT ALL! Just wait!!"
But I can't. I need that second pink line like an addict needs their next fix. And I feel like crying - temper tantrum, self-indulgent, whiny stampy things-aren't-going-my-way crying. And my stomach feels sick, even with all the saltines I'm putting in it. It's so unfair that it's possible for the meds to give you all the same symptoms as pregnancy. After so many TWW's with no symptoms at all, I actually am not sure which is worse - having none, or having like EVERY POSSIBLE ONE at once - because neither actually means anything.
Now, maybe... MAYBE, it's possible that the reason I'm reacting so strongly is that in addition to the meds my body's actually also making a bunch of its own progesterone and estrogen because I am more-pregnanter than I was last time. Maybe I'm on serious progesterone overload. Maybe???
Anyway, to make matters more difficult, Kaitlin's mom is in the hospital. Apparently she has a pulmonary embolism that could be very dangerous, so now Kaitlin's talking about taking a road trip this weekend (it's a 5 hour drive there) to see her. I guess we'll find out more tonight and decide...
Felt nauseous, hungry, and sense of smell is now so far into hyper drive that my nose is stuffy and running, as if I have allergies. I still am smelling EVERYDAMNTHING, like it's an essential oil under my nose. I put the tiniest dab of perfume on this morning and I think I'm going to have to go wipe it off, because it's all I can smell. I had to put my dog's blanket in the wash before I left the house, because it (and therefore her) reeked of pee... ew ew ew. The scent of the air freshener in our bathroom (roses and marshmallow) actually woke me up at 4 AM and I could not go back to sleep. O.o
I did come in to work super early, both because I was up at 4, and because I needed to clean my stinky fish tank so I don't have to sit here all day feeling pukey over the way it smells. Had cramps pretty much most of the day yesterday. Now they seem to be gone, and the only thing I'm currently experiencing is the hyper-sensitive nose.
But seeing those BFNs over and over has got me feeling pessimistic. Is it really possible to have ALL THESE SYMPTOMS - things I have never had before, even when I got my BFP last time - and still end up with a BFN?? Can I really be responding so much differently to the meds this round than last round? Don't people usually build up a tolerance for meds and get less sensitive to them rather than more? I know that the nausea, maybe even the sense of smell and vivid dreams and tiredness and hunger and all of that could be med-related, but can cramps really be related to meds? I know AF can't be coming, I'm on enough estrogen right now to probably hold off my period for like a year. :P (Seriously, I'm taking 12mg a day, and 800mg of progesterone a day...)
On the flip side, though, is it actually possible to have so many, many symptoms before the pregnancy's even far enough along to show up on a urine test? Has the pressure of TTC finally just broken my brain and now my body's actually experiencing pregnancy symptoms out of sheer hope?
Part of me feels certain we're having twins. Like... just... IF we're pregnant, it's twins. In fact, it's boy/girl twins. This is either womanly intuition or complete fantasy, I realize that, but there you have it. And part of me feels certain it's a BFN. That is mostly the bitter part, the part that really believes (fears) that the universe has no intention of ever letting me have this. That fate intends for me to grow old and die childless, and nothing I do is ever going to make a difference. I let my thoughts linger a little too long in that headspace and I quickly start getting depressed.
So I am trying to distract myself with things that are fun. For one, I am wearing another of my newly-thrifted outfits today. Yesterday I had a couple of people compliment my black and white outfit (even had one lady stop me in the hall and ask me to come back to her office with her so she could write down the name and location of the thrift store.) So today, being Friday and jeans-day at work, I am wearing jeans, a pink sweater with white lace sleeves, a long pendant necklace I bought in Greece with paper roses and a gold charm of the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, some dangly pink pearl earrings, and my Cinderella's-pumpkin-coach two-finger ring. Oh, and my super, super cute pink and white lolita oxfords. Had fun putting the outfit together, and I have a whole week of new outfits for next week to look forward to.
Also thinking about doll things, since I ordered a BJD (ball jointed doll) from AliExpress that appears to be about the same size/shape as an American Girl doll. Only the face is so much prettier, and she's going to be a lot more poseable, and I can't wait for her to arrive so I can get her measurements and see about buying and/or making clothes for her.
But what I really, really, really want is that second pink line. Pleasepleaseplease. My beta test isn't until 5/6, which is basically 12dp5dt, so I know that there's time still. But I think my heart could rest and rejoice, at least a little, if I could just get that second pink line. I know there'd still be the betas, and then waiting it out until an ultrasound and praying that I don't miscarry again... but all of that stuff is moot if that second pink line never shows up.
So... better just get started on the stuff that's on my desk, and make it through til lunch. I have decided I am only letting myself test three times today. And maybe only twice tomorrow... we'll see...
EDIT: So our system is down today, meaning there's a limited amount of work I can do besides making sure my staff are working (oh, the irony!) It also means I have an uncomfortable wealth of time in which to ponder my pregnancy status or lack thereof. I went back and reread my post from 7DPT last time - I don't think I was quite as anxious as I feel right now. I know I was sad and pessimistic, but I guess I forgot just how miserable the days of a TWW are. My brain swings from wanting to plan the nursery and google parenting tips for twins, to wanting to review our finances and calculate how much a third try will cost and how long it would take us to save up enough.
Sense of smell is still a little haywire, and now I have cramps and nausea again. Tired, and needing a fast-forward button on the clock so I can go home, or better yet, skip to next week so I can just find out once and for all whether this round is going anywhere. But I am trying to force myself to wait until later afternoon to test again, because after that I'll only allow myself one more test before going to bed. And my commonsense is jabbing me. "Dumdum!! STOP TESTING AT ALL! Just wait!!"
But I can't. I need that second pink line like an addict needs their next fix. And I feel like crying - temper tantrum, self-indulgent, whiny stampy things-aren't-going-my-way crying. And my stomach feels sick, even with all the saltines I'm putting in it. It's so unfair that it's possible for the meds to give you all the same symptoms as pregnancy. After so many TWW's with no symptoms at all, I actually am not sure which is worse - having none, or having like EVERY POSSIBLE ONE at once - because neither actually means anything.
Now, maybe... MAYBE, it's possible that the reason I'm reacting so strongly is that in addition to the meds my body's actually also making a bunch of its own progesterone and estrogen because I am more-pregnanter than I was last time. Maybe I'm on serious progesterone overload. Maybe???
Anyway, to make matters more difficult, Kaitlin's mom is in the hospital. Apparently she has a pulmonary embolism that could be very dangerous, so now Kaitlin's talking about taking a road trip this weekend (it's a 5 hour drive there) to see her. I guess we'll find out more tonight and decide...
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