So it's been almost a week since the BFN. I am sane again. About 24 hours after stopping the meds, I felt like a whole different person - still disappointed and sad, but calm and rational. It is incredible what a difference a few chemicals can make to the way your brain (and even heart) is able to process situations. PS, this is why there shouldn't be stigma about using meds for depression, anxiety, etc. I am telling you, the right balance of chemicals can literally mean the difference between being yourself and being something you don't even recognize.
Anyway. Less than 48 hours after stopping the meds, AF showed up again. I think my body's been *longing* for a good AF for weeks now, and it actually feels like something of a relief. The Greek clinic sent me a prescription for Lupron, and I just ordered 3 more vials. They're charging 4500 for a third round - about $5K. The plane tickets will be twice as much, since I used up all my airline miles, but basically I'll be doing meds, procedure, plane, hotel, and only as much money as I need to eat while I'm there, and that's it. Kaitlin's hoping to save up enough to come with me this time too, and that would be a huge stress relief.
So right now I'm feeling kind of meh about the whole thing. Not that I don't want it anymore, but I think there's only so much disappointment my heart can handle before it starts distancing itself for a little while. I need something else to let my heart be happy about, something "safer."
Yesterday was awful at work, but I'm grateful because today seems to have actually solved most of the problems that yesterday looked unsolvable. I'm feeling pretty good about myself and my competency and whatnot today, and that's a nice place to be. And, over the weekend I made some really, really cute little doll clothes, so the plan is to make some complete outfits and see if I can't get some cash through Etsy or something to help supplement this next round.
Onward and forward, I guess...
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