Ever since I was a kid, June has always been my favorite month of the year. Probably because it's the month of my birthday... but also because it's the start of summer, my favorite season; it always meant the end of school; the weather is finally warm and sunny again; and for me it always feels like a new beginning. A New Year's, of sorts, even if it's six months later than everybody else celebrates it.
So I guess it's apropos that AF started yesterday, on June 1st, and my Lupron shipment arrived at the same time. That means we should be starting Lupron around the 21st or so of this month, and CD1 of our next cycle attempt will be around the 24th.
My birthday is next week. I love birthdays, though neither of us has money for much of anything this year. I think we'll go out to dinner, maybe go see a movie. Usually I like to do something kind of big on my birthday, a staycation or some activity I've always wanted to try, but I would gladly trade that for a successful cycle in July. I'm not going to take the day off work. Kind of a shame, because my birthday's a Friday this year and it will be seven years before it's on Friday again, but I'm conserving vacation days for our next upcoming attempt and, with any luck, maternity leave.
I could sit around and feel sorry for myself, but I'd rather look at it as a trade... that my birthday present this year will be a sticky BFP in August. That's all I really want, anyway. Nothing, no other gift could compare, and I would trade every other present I ever have or will receive if I could just have that.
Still, I'm doing my best not to think too much about it this time. The roller coaster of longing, fear, anxiety and doubt is too exhausting. I end up worrying myself into a little knot of unfulfilled hope, where every breath I take is accompanied by a will-it-work-this-time thought, and I'm sure it's not doing anything but possibly making my body less hospitable for implantation. It certainly isn't *helping.* I'm really not looking forward to resuming medication - the hot flashes on Lupron, the uncontrollable mood swings and congestion of estrogen, the constant peeing and meaningless pregnancy-symptoms of progesterone. Not really excited about the jet lag and the looooooong flight either.
But, I am excited by the idea of being in Athens in July. It will be hot, which maybe means a hotel with a pool, maybe even a trip to the beach. I haven't been to a beach in five years. But I am sitting on my butt with my legs up for TWO WHOLE DAYS after the transfer, this time. Period. There's so little that I can do to actually help make this work, and that's a simple one.
In the meantime, trying to distract myself. I'm selling what I can on Ebay, and helping Kaitlin do the same. She sold her living room set, the one that's been living in our garage for three years, so she can finally park her car in the garage again and she was able to put a little extra into savings so that she can come to Greece this time. I'm spending way more time than I should window-shopping online for cute, feminine, pink-and-lacy clothes (I wonder if all this estrogen I've been pumping myself with for the last eighteen months has fired up my girly-girl side?). I'm sewing cute little doll clothes, even put a set on Etsy to see if anybody would like it. I'm watching 24 with Kaitlin, and a new Korean drama series by myself. I'm putting together cute summery outfits to wear to work, and playing with my dog. I'm trying to keep the house clean, and planning spring-cleaning type projects. We even trimmed back our big lilac trees in the backyard over the weekend, and now there is a pile of branches hanging out back there that we'll have to spend this coming weekend breaking down into sacks for the trash people.
Just staying busy, trying not to think too much, and trying to pick positive thoughts when the thinking is inevitable. Trying to keep myself from feeling like this is our "last chance". Trying to remind myself that this won't be over until I say it is.
And trying to stay focused on how wonderful it is that it's finally June.
Showing posts with label treatment planning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label treatment planning. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
Thursday, May 14, 2015
A Little Positive Thinking
Since this blog is often majorly an outlet for all my negativity and disappointment, it seems only fair to make sure there are also entries on days when I'm feeling pretty positive about this whole thing.
Yes, it's been a long journey and we haven't arrived yet. But there's a part of me that's also really proud to have fought so hard and long for this without giving up. That's really grateful to have the resources to keep fighting. And today, looking back on all of this, I have the most bizarre emotion - enjoyment. Yeah. As if this whole thing, from today's perspective, has really been kind of fun. It's definitely challenging, and complex, and the most expensive gamble I've ever taken. But I feel like I really have made the wisest choices I could have possibly made with the options and resources available to me. I feel like I've given us the best chance of success all along.
And I feel optimistic that we aren't going to have to wave a white flag anytime soon. We try again in July. If that one doesn't work either, we can choose to try a fourth time - will probably be around December to get the savings together - or we can choose the adoption route.
You know what is the primary driver of this sudden bout of optimism? Digging into our finances with xcel spreadsheets. We've decided that I'm going to take over the management of Kaitlin's money, mostly because she hates managing money and misses opportunities to do it well. So I'm taking it over, and realizing I can probably have her nearly out of debt in 5 years. She's on an IBR for her student loans, and as a teacher, we can get the vast majority of the balance forgiven after 10 years, with just a little consistent paperwork. And what's more, I'm pretty sure I can help her save up enough to come to Greece with me for round #3. Just having her there will reduce the stress in a major way. She can pull luggage, give me the injections, and be someone to talk to and relax with.
The Greek clinic has a sperm donor in stock, and if we use his sample we don't have to pay extra for another sample. That makes the 4500 Euro / $5000 treatment fee the only real fee we have to worry about. The donor is 6ft tall, brown hair, blue/gray eyes, healthy and has prior pregnancies... and at this point we're not really caring much about either donor, aside from their probability of success.
Otherwise, we each need money for a plane ticket, the hotel room (breakfasts are included), enough money for lunches, dinners, and taxis to the clinic (about $6 each way, at the hotel I stayed at last time) and enough to cover some "replacement" progesterone, estrogen and heparin - about 2 weeks worth since that's all I used this round.
Today, I am feeling relatively confident that persistence is going to win out. That we're going to get our baby if we keep trying. And I am so very, very grateful, as I look at our income and bills, that there is a way for us to keep doing this. Yes, it's tight. Yes, it means giving up a lot of our wants, waiting on things we'd really like to have - home improvements, vacations, going to the movies, eating out, our Vegas elopement... but it's POSSIBLE. At least it's actually possible.
So. Let's get through the next weeks working hard, saving carefully, and being grateful for things like
sleeping in and housecleaning time on the weekends and the ability to be spontaneous while we still can... And keep our eye on the prize in July.
Yes, it's been a long journey and we haven't arrived yet. But there's a part of me that's also really proud to have fought so hard and long for this without giving up. That's really grateful to have the resources to keep fighting. And today, looking back on all of this, I have the most bizarre emotion - enjoyment. Yeah. As if this whole thing, from today's perspective, has really been kind of fun. It's definitely challenging, and complex, and the most expensive gamble I've ever taken. But I feel like I really have made the wisest choices I could have possibly made with the options and resources available to me. I feel like I've given us the best chance of success all along.
And I feel optimistic that we aren't going to have to wave a white flag anytime soon. We try again in July. If that one doesn't work either, we can choose to try a fourth time - will probably be around December to get the savings together - or we can choose the adoption route.
You know what is the primary driver of this sudden bout of optimism? Digging into our finances with xcel spreadsheets. We've decided that I'm going to take over the management of Kaitlin's money, mostly because she hates managing money and misses opportunities to do it well. So I'm taking it over, and realizing I can probably have her nearly out of debt in 5 years. She's on an IBR for her student loans, and as a teacher, we can get the vast majority of the balance forgiven after 10 years, with just a little consistent paperwork. And what's more, I'm pretty sure I can help her save up enough to come to Greece with me for round #3. Just having her there will reduce the stress in a major way. She can pull luggage, give me the injections, and be someone to talk to and relax with.
The Greek clinic has a sperm donor in stock, and if we use his sample we don't have to pay extra for another sample. That makes the 4500 Euro / $5000 treatment fee the only real fee we have to worry about. The donor is 6ft tall, brown hair, blue/gray eyes, healthy and has prior pregnancies... and at this point we're not really caring much about either donor, aside from their probability of success.
Otherwise, we each need money for a plane ticket, the hotel room (breakfasts are included), enough money for lunches, dinners, and taxis to the clinic (about $6 each way, at the hotel I stayed at last time) and enough to cover some "replacement" progesterone, estrogen and heparin - about 2 weeks worth since that's all I used this round.
Today, I am feeling relatively confident that persistence is going to win out. That we're going to get our baby if we keep trying. And I am so very, very grateful, as I look at our income and bills, that there is a way for us to keep doing this. Yes, it's tight. Yes, it means giving up a lot of our wants, waiting on things we'd really like to have - home improvements, vacations, going to the movies, eating out, our Vegas elopement... but it's POSSIBLE. At least it's actually possible.
So. Let's get through the next weeks working hard, saving carefully, and being grateful for things like
sleeping in and housecleaning time on the weekends and the ability to be spontaneous while we still can... And keep our eye on the prize in July.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Deep breath
So it's been almost a week since the BFN. I am sane again. About 24 hours after stopping the meds, I felt like a whole different person - still disappointed and sad, but calm and rational. It is incredible what a difference a few chemicals can make to the way your brain (and even heart) is able to process situations. PS, this is why there shouldn't be stigma about using meds for depression, anxiety, etc. I am telling you, the right balance of chemicals can literally mean the difference between being yourself and being something you don't even recognize.
Anyway. Less than 48 hours after stopping the meds, AF showed up again. I think my body's been *longing* for a good AF for weeks now, and it actually feels like something of a relief. The Greek clinic sent me a prescription for Lupron, and I just ordered 3 more vials. They're charging 4500 for a third round - about $5K. The plane tickets will be twice as much, since I used up all my airline miles, but basically I'll be doing meds, procedure, plane, hotel, and only as much money as I need to eat while I'm there, and that's it. Kaitlin's hoping to save up enough to come with me this time too, and that would be a huge stress relief.
So right now I'm feeling kind of meh about the whole thing. Not that I don't want it anymore, but I think there's only so much disappointment my heart can handle before it starts distancing itself for a little while. I need something else to let my heart be happy about, something "safer."
Yesterday was awful at work, but I'm grateful because today seems to have actually solved most of the problems that yesterday looked unsolvable. I'm feeling pretty good about myself and my competency and whatnot today, and that's a nice place to be. And, over the weekend I made some really, really cute little doll clothes, so the plan is to make some complete outfits and see if I can't get some cash through Etsy or something to help supplement this next round.
Onward and forward, I guess...
Anyway. Less than 48 hours after stopping the meds, AF showed up again. I think my body's been *longing* for a good AF for weeks now, and it actually feels like something of a relief. The Greek clinic sent me a prescription for Lupron, and I just ordered 3 more vials. They're charging 4500 for a third round - about $5K. The plane tickets will be twice as much, since I used up all my airline miles, but basically I'll be doing meds, procedure, plane, hotel, and only as much money as I need to eat while I'm there, and that's it. Kaitlin's hoping to save up enough to come with me this time too, and that would be a huge stress relief.
So right now I'm feeling kind of meh about the whole thing. Not that I don't want it anymore, but I think there's only so much disappointment my heart can handle before it starts distancing itself for a little while. I need something else to let my heart be happy about, something "safer."
Yesterday was awful at work, but I'm grateful because today seems to have actually solved most of the problems that yesterday looked unsolvable. I'm feeling pretty good about myself and my competency and whatnot today, and that's a nice place to be. And, over the weekend I made some really, really cute little doll clothes, so the plan is to make some complete outfits and see if I can't get some cash through Etsy or something to help supplement this next round.
Onward and forward, I guess...
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
BFN
Results are in.
At least I can stop the meds now, and maybe that will help me get my emotions back under control, because right now I feel like a complete mess. Emailed the the Greek clinic. Asked how soon they would recommend we try again, asked how much a third attempt would cost, and asked for another Lupron prescription.
Starting over. Again. Alone in a hell of infertility that only Kaitlin knows about, while everyone else around me goes on merrily with their happy, fertile, normal, baby-rich lives.
This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be freaking Wonder Woman by now.
But first I'm going home to have wine. Hoping AF shows up soon, because in spite of the crazy progesterone I am feeling cramps, like my body is desperate for one... I am, after all, only like three weeks overdue. At this point it almost seems like it would feel like a relief.
At least I can stop the meds now, and maybe that will help me get my emotions back under control, because right now I feel like a complete mess. Emailed the the Greek clinic. Asked how soon they would recommend we try again, asked how much a third attempt would cost, and asked for another Lupron prescription.
Starting over. Again. Alone in a hell of infertility that only Kaitlin knows about, while everyone else around me goes on merrily with their happy, fertile, normal, baby-rich lives.
This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be freaking Wonder Woman by now.
But first I'm going home to have wine. Hoping AF shows up soon, because in spite of the crazy progesterone I am feeling cramps, like my body is desperate for one... I am, after all, only like three weeks overdue. At this point it almost seems like it would feel like a relief.
IVF#2 12DP5DT - Beta Day
Another BFN on the HPT last night. Got up early this morning, let Kaitlin give me my heparin shot, took my meds, and went to the doctor's office for the blood draw. Just waiting to get the results this afternoon so that I can stop taking the medication. I have never wanted confirmation of a BFN more than I do right now. I know that we failed. But I wish I was wrong, so badly, that I am desperate for that piece of paper that tells me I can stop going through the motions. Stop taking the medication, stop wondering about every little twinge, stop worrying about cold medicine and coffee and alcohol and just get on with my still-childless life.
I don't remember the other BFNs being this hard. I don't remember being in this much pain while at work even during the miscarriage... probably because in that case, I took days off through the worst of it. I don't feel like I deserve days off for just another BFN. It's not like my life is over. I'm not even physically as uncomfortable as I am during a normal AF. I just feel a whole lot of nothing. A whole lot of empty. My emotions are on overdrive because of the estrogen, and I can't wait to be able to stop taking it.
My heart is so broken. I feel so broken. Thirty thousand dollars later, we are no closer to having a baby in our arms than we were when we started. I am tired and bitter and more sad than I know how to put into words. I don't know how to give up on this. Yet I don't know how I can keep going, either. How do people do this? How do they get through years and years of this? How do they AFFORD it?
All I want right now is retail therapy. After months of scrimping and saving and forgoing every little thing I wanted in order to add pennies to our TTC savings account, all I want is to buy anything that seems like it might make me feel better. And it's probably the worst and most self-destructive thing I can do, because money is what makes the TTC journey go round. I'm going to be paying off the debt we're already in for the next ten years, and we didn't even get a baby out of it.
Today is a sucktacular day, and all I can think about is getting to that test result - just a few more hours now, I can make it that long, right? - so that I can go home, hate my life, drink a bottle of wine, cry until I can't think anymore, and wake up tomorrow without meds, without injections, without hope. Right now the greatest happiness available to me will be hopelessness. At least if there's no hope, it doesn't hurt so much.
So I realize that writing all of this out, the fact that this is the way my heart really feels, the fact that this is, I guess, the whiny, bitter, self-centered person I actually am, is pretty revealing, isn't it? I don't like the person that I am right now. I don't want to be this negative. I don't want to be this angry. I don't want to be such a diva about things that aren't going right in my life. After all, the world doesn't revolve around me. And I should be spending this time caring for other people's problems and sadness instead of wallowing in my own. One of the girls at the RE's office today called me a "trooper." I wanted to hug her and punch her at the same time. It's nice that someone might think of me that way, but I know it's a lie. Because I'm not trooping, I'm drowning in self-pity and failure and pain and jealousy and anger and tears.
I want to be a strong person, a courageous person who faces disappointment with love and kindness and selflessness and grace, but I'm not. I'm tapped out, I've got nothing left. Today it's all about surviving through the next ten seconds. And then the next ten seconds. And then the next. Until life has moved on enough that I can move on too.
So.
Once I get the results I'm not waiting for the Greek clinic to tell me to stop the meds, I'm just stopping. When I send them the results, I'll ask them for another Lupron prescription, so that I can order the meds again - it will take a month or more to get them so I might as well get them ordered now. That will be another $537. I'll also ask her to tell me how long they would recommend I wait before trying again, and how much their fee will be for a third attempt. Then I spend the next couple of weekends selling everything possible on Ebay and Craigslist. I avoid driving anywhere I don't have to drive, I eat as little as possible and avoid grocery shopping for as long as possible. I don't buy anything else for my little doll or sewing supplies. When I get my next royalty check the whole thing goes into the TTC savings account. I just literally don't spend ANYTHING, don't buy ANYTHING, that is not absolutely necessary. I avoid seeing my family, especially my pregnant SIL, as much as humanly possible - which is going to be really difficult over the summer, since that's the time when we all have birthdays and get together monthly, and I don't know how I'm going to get out of all of them.
And maybe, just MAYBE, we'll be able to take another stab at this in July or August. It will be the last. If it doesn't work... It will be a year before I can even begin to hope to have enough money to do anything else. Of course, I keep saying that, and as soon as failure strikes I seem to come up with another way to find money. I suppose a fourth try could go entirely on a credit card, but that just seems really stupid. Though adoption fees... If I spent money on an adoption and home study before the end of this year, I think I could get it all pretty much back in taxes next year. So maybe that's what we'll have to do... try one more IVF, and if it doesn't work, sign up with an adoption agency, charge the whole fee to a credit card, then write it off on taxes so that we get it refunded... and wait to see if there's any birth mother out there who will choose us.
Funny, how all the IVF bloggers I've found and followed never really seem to talk much about the money part of their attempts. Maybe they have insurance covering them, or have a partner who's footing the bills, or someone lending it to them, I don't know. But I don't have any of that, and it's maybe the biggest stressor of this entire process, worse even than the hormones and the injections and the TWW.
And the only thing that keeps me going right now is knowing that if we ever DO get a baby out of all of this, it will all suddenly seem more than worth it. It would be something I would do over again without question, if I KNEW the outcome was going to be eventual success. But right now we're in that uncertain limbo where never-succeeding is still a very real possibility, and then all of this is going to be the biggest waste, the biggest losing bet, of my life.
Break's over. Have to get started on some actual work now... the last thing I need is to get fired on top of everything else.
I don't remember the other BFNs being this hard. I don't remember being in this much pain while at work even during the miscarriage... probably because in that case, I took days off through the worst of it. I don't feel like I deserve days off for just another BFN. It's not like my life is over. I'm not even physically as uncomfortable as I am during a normal AF. I just feel a whole lot of nothing. A whole lot of empty. My emotions are on overdrive because of the estrogen, and I can't wait to be able to stop taking it.
My heart is so broken. I feel so broken. Thirty thousand dollars later, we are no closer to having a baby in our arms than we were when we started. I am tired and bitter and more sad than I know how to put into words. I don't know how to give up on this. Yet I don't know how I can keep going, either. How do people do this? How do they get through years and years of this? How do they AFFORD it?
All I want right now is retail therapy. After months of scrimping and saving and forgoing every little thing I wanted in order to add pennies to our TTC savings account, all I want is to buy anything that seems like it might make me feel better. And it's probably the worst and most self-destructive thing I can do, because money is what makes the TTC journey go round. I'm going to be paying off the debt we're already in for the next ten years, and we didn't even get a baby out of it.
Today is a sucktacular day, and all I can think about is getting to that test result - just a few more hours now, I can make it that long, right? - so that I can go home, hate my life, drink a bottle of wine, cry until I can't think anymore, and wake up tomorrow without meds, without injections, without hope. Right now the greatest happiness available to me will be hopelessness. At least if there's no hope, it doesn't hurt so much.
So I realize that writing all of this out, the fact that this is the way my heart really feels, the fact that this is, I guess, the whiny, bitter, self-centered person I actually am, is pretty revealing, isn't it? I don't like the person that I am right now. I don't want to be this negative. I don't want to be this angry. I don't want to be such a diva about things that aren't going right in my life. After all, the world doesn't revolve around me. And I should be spending this time caring for other people's problems and sadness instead of wallowing in my own. One of the girls at the RE's office today called me a "trooper." I wanted to hug her and punch her at the same time. It's nice that someone might think of me that way, but I know it's a lie. Because I'm not trooping, I'm drowning in self-pity and failure and pain and jealousy and anger and tears.
I want to be a strong person, a courageous person who faces disappointment with love and kindness and selflessness and grace, but I'm not. I'm tapped out, I've got nothing left. Today it's all about surviving through the next ten seconds. And then the next ten seconds. And then the next. Until life has moved on enough that I can move on too.
So.
Once I get the results I'm not waiting for the Greek clinic to tell me to stop the meds, I'm just stopping. When I send them the results, I'll ask them for another Lupron prescription, so that I can order the meds again - it will take a month or more to get them so I might as well get them ordered now. That will be another $537. I'll also ask her to tell me how long they would recommend I wait before trying again, and how much their fee will be for a third attempt. Then I spend the next couple of weekends selling everything possible on Ebay and Craigslist. I avoid driving anywhere I don't have to drive, I eat as little as possible and avoid grocery shopping for as long as possible. I don't buy anything else for my little doll or sewing supplies. When I get my next royalty check the whole thing goes into the TTC savings account. I just literally don't spend ANYTHING, don't buy ANYTHING, that is not absolutely necessary. I avoid seeing my family, especially my pregnant SIL, as much as humanly possible - which is going to be really difficult over the summer, since that's the time when we all have birthdays and get together monthly, and I don't know how I'm going to get out of all of them.
And maybe, just MAYBE, we'll be able to take another stab at this in July or August. It will be the last. If it doesn't work... It will be a year before I can even begin to hope to have enough money to do anything else. Of course, I keep saying that, and as soon as failure strikes I seem to come up with another way to find money. I suppose a fourth try could go entirely on a credit card, but that just seems really stupid. Though adoption fees... If I spent money on an adoption and home study before the end of this year, I think I could get it all pretty much back in taxes next year. So maybe that's what we'll have to do... try one more IVF, and if it doesn't work, sign up with an adoption agency, charge the whole fee to a credit card, then write it off on taxes so that we get it refunded... and wait to see if there's any birth mother out there who will choose us.
Funny, how all the IVF bloggers I've found and followed never really seem to talk much about the money part of their attempts. Maybe they have insurance covering them, or have a partner who's footing the bills, or someone lending it to them, I don't know. But I don't have any of that, and it's maybe the biggest stressor of this entire process, worse even than the hormones and the injections and the TWW.
And the only thing that keeps me going right now is knowing that if we ever DO get a baby out of all of this, it will all suddenly seem more than worth it. It would be something I would do over again without question, if I KNEW the outcome was going to be eventual success. But right now we're in that uncertain limbo where never-succeeding is still a very real possibility, and then all of this is going to be the biggest waste, the biggest losing bet, of my life.
Break's over. Have to get started on some actual work now... the last thing I need is to get fired on top of everything else.
Monday, May 4, 2015
IVF#2 10DP5DT - BFN is Imminent
Tested all weekend, all BFNs. Was super duper sick, too - don't know if it was allergies or a cold, but could not stop sneezing, itchy eyes, horrible headache and congestion, runny nose, the works. I've stopped peeing every ten seconds, which was one of the first signs during the m/c that told me it was over. I no longer feel nauseous, or really anything at all. All symptoms gone, and stark white negatives twice a day.
We're still doing the meds until my blood test on Wednesday, but I have no hope left. I know in my heart that it didn't work. And I feel... so defeated. So empty and exhausted and bitter. I'm supposed to go to two family events in the next week, where I will have to sit at the same table with my newly-pregnant SIL and listen to the family gush over her, while I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to scrape together enough money to go back for a third -- and likely final -- attempt. I don't want to go to the family things, and I'm probably going to chicken out and come up with some kind of excuse. I don't think I can handle it.
I might be able to pull off a third attempt over the summer. I sold some rims and tires this weekend on Craigslist for $200. I have an expensive doll and some handmade clothes and a ton of accessories that I bet I can get about $400 for - maybe more. I also think I might start designing, making and selling American Girl doll clothes on Etsy, as I think I can probably make some decent cash with it. Add to that at least one more royalty check, and maxing out my HELOC by pulling out the last remaining $5000 (putting me the full $20K in debt) and being as stingy as possible with money for the next three months, I think I can put together enough to go back again this summer.
The earliest I could go back would be probably July, because once the Greek docs tell me to stop the meds I have to wait for AF. Usually about 11 - 15 days into AF, they have me start Lupron - I'll need to order it and pay an extra $100 for shipping to get it in time. Then I wait for AF again, and start estrogen/progesterone right after, and I keep that up until the donor's cycle is lined up with mine and her retrieval happens. Then I go out there, get the transfer, come home... and do the TWW again.
And if it doesn't work... I don't know. We'll be completely tapped out, money wise. Maybe when we get a tax refund next year we can use it to start the process of adoption.
There's one very, very pale glimmer of another possibility - Kaitlin's mom apparently knows a young woman who is pregnant and considering giving the baby up for adoption. We told her to please, please let her friend know we would absolutely love to be considered as adoptive parents for her baby. It would be an open adoption, I'm sure, but the child would know who both his/her birth parents are pretty much their entire lives, and while that might be inconvenient a little for us, it would be invaluable, I think, for a kiddo to grow up with that sense of identity and self.
If this were to pan out, we'd have to do a home study, and probably a ton of legal/attorney fees. We might help the birth mother with her birthing expenses too. But there's an adoption tax credit that could then reimburse us maybe for the cost of everything, since we wouldn't have to pay an adoption agency to find us a birth mom. Travel expenses wouldn't be too bad, since I guess the birth mom is only about 5 hours away from us.
I guess it just sounds too good to be true, and I'm trying not to get my heart too set on the idea. But here we are with a pregnancy that's HERE, that's HAPPENING right now, and if there was any way... ANY WAY... that she would choose to give us this gift I would do anything to make it happen.
Anyway. Sitting at work now, trying to get back into the swing of childless day-to-day life. Wishing for a miracle. Wishing for another chance. Wishing to win the lottery.
We're still doing the meds until my blood test on Wednesday, but I have no hope left. I know in my heart that it didn't work. And I feel... so defeated. So empty and exhausted and bitter. I'm supposed to go to two family events in the next week, where I will have to sit at the same table with my newly-pregnant SIL and listen to the family gush over her, while I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to scrape together enough money to go back for a third -- and likely final -- attempt. I don't want to go to the family things, and I'm probably going to chicken out and come up with some kind of excuse. I don't think I can handle it.
I might be able to pull off a third attempt over the summer. I sold some rims and tires this weekend on Craigslist for $200. I have an expensive doll and some handmade clothes and a ton of accessories that I bet I can get about $400 for - maybe more. I also think I might start designing, making and selling American Girl doll clothes on Etsy, as I think I can probably make some decent cash with it. Add to that at least one more royalty check, and maxing out my HELOC by pulling out the last remaining $5000 (putting me the full $20K in debt) and being as stingy as possible with money for the next three months, I think I can put together enough to go back again this summer.
The earliest I could go back would be probably July, because once the Greek docs tell me to stop the meds I have to wait for AF. Usually about 11 - 15 days into AF, they have me start Lupron - I'll need to order it and pay an extra $100 for shipping to get it in time. Then I wait for AF again, and start estrogen/progesterone right after, and I keep that up until the donor's cycle is lined up with mine and her retrieval happens. Then I go out there, get the transfer, come home... and do the TWW again.
And if it doesn't work... I don't know. We'll be completely tapped out, money wise. Maybe when we get a tax refund next year we can use it to start the process of adoption.
There's one very, very pale glimmer of another possibility - Kaitlin's mom apparently knows a young woman who is pregnant and considering giving the baby up for adoption. We told her to please, please let her friend know we would absolutely love to be considered as adoptive parents for her baby. It would be an open adoption, I'm sure, but the child would know who both his/her birth parents are pretty much their entire lives, and while that might be inconvenient a little for us, it would be invaluable, I think, for a kiddo to grow up with that sense of identity and self.
If this were to pan out, we'd have to do a home study, and probably a ton of legal/attorney fees. We might help the birth mother with her birthing expenses too. But there's an adoption tax credit that could then reimburse us maybe for the cost of everything, since we wouldn't have to pay an adoption agency to find us a birth mom. Travel expenses wouldn't be too bad, since I guess the birth mom is only about 5 hours away from us.
I guess it just sounds too good to be true, and I'm trying not to get my heart too set on the idea. But here we are with a pregnancy that's HERE, that's HAPPENING right now, and if there was any way... ANY WAY... that she would choose to give us this gift I would do anything to make it happen.
Anyway. Sitting at work now, trying to get back into the swing of childless day-to-day life. Wishing for a miracle. Wishing for another chance. Wishing to win the lottery.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Killing time
Today feels like the most normal day I've had in a long time. Bleeding's gone. Itching is getting better. Back to only peeing a couple times a day. Work is back into its regular swing of being utterly overwhelming and trying to focus on accomplishing one thing at a time, one meeting at a time, one email at a time. Last night was a typical work night - come home, eat some food, watch some TV, go to bed, feel like I didn't have nearly enough time to unwind.
As if I never was pregnant at all. As if none of this ever happened.
Which, right now, feels better than grief -- even if it's not happiness.
I think one of the things that's so frustrating about TTC is that there's so little I can do on a daily basis to bring myself closer to the goal, other than taking a prenatal vitamin, trying to remain in good health, trying to forgo buying anything I don't absolutely need and... well, that's it. Wait for AF. The bleeding only just stopped, and it will be weeks before it comes again, and even when it comes, it won't mean anything. We won't be doing anything with it, just letting it pass by and waiting for it to come a second time. My hope, though, is that when it comes that second time we can start our meds again, make travel plans, get ultrasounds and gear up for our next try.
So I'm trying to think of things I could or ought to do in the meantime. One of them is physical exercise. I've done pretty much nothing except the occasional week or two of walking on my lunch break. And even that dropped off pretty quickly. I need to make exercise a regular part of my day, I do, and now that I'm not pregnant and have to wait a while before I can try again now would be the time to do it. So I'm going to start today, by going for a walk around the building on lunch. (I can walk indoors at work by making a bunch of rounds through the courthouse; up the stairs, walk to one end, down the stairs, walk to the other end, back up again, etc.) It will feel a little like I'm at least doing *something*. Plus, this last year of TTC has done a number on my body, and I'm so out of shape it makes me cringe.
What I need, though, is to see if I can get the book we're supposed to be reading for my work's leadership book club in audio form. Then I can walk and listen to it at the same time, thereby being efficient. :P
The other things I really need to do include getting my house clean - all our Christmas stuff packed up - and getting our garage cleaned out. My poor little car could also really use a good cleaning. And, I'd like to revisit all the stuff I had planned for my upcoming book release. I really shouldn't let it sit by the wayside, no matter how depressed I am. A book birthday pretty much only comes along once in a book's lifetime and it would be stupid to waste it wallowing in self-pity.
Going to try not to do too much too fast, though. One thing at a time. One day at a time. Have to try and keep the days busy so that they pass faster. So that AF comes sooner. It's my choice, really, whether these days and weeks fly by or whether they drag... and the key is to keep them full of stuff to do. So that's what I'll work on, starting today. At least it will make me feel like I'm doing something to get me closer to the goal, even if it's just waiting it out.
As if I never was pregnant at all. As if none of this ever happened.
Which, right now, feels better than grief -- even if it's not happiness.
I think one of the things that's so frustrating about TTC is that there's so little I can do on a daily basis to bring myself closer to the goal, other than taking a prenatal vitamin, trying to remain in good health, trying to forgo buying anything I don't absolutely need and... well, that's it. Wait for AF. The bleeding only just stopped, and it will be weeks before it comes again, and even when it comes, it won't mean anything. We won't be doing anything with it, just letting it pass by and waiting for it to come a second time. My hope, though, is that when it comes that second time we can start our meds again, make travel plans, get ultrasounds and gear up for our next try.
So I'm trying to think of things I could or ought to do in the meantime. One of them is physical exercise. I've done pretty much nothing except the occasional week or two of walking on my lunch break. And even that dropped off pretty quickly. I need to make exercise a regular part of my day, I do, and now that I'm not pregnant and have to wait a while before I can try again now would be the time to do it. So I'm going to start today, by going for a walk around the building on lunch. (I can walk indoors at work by making a bunch of rounds through the courthouse; up the stairs, walk to one end, down the stairs, walk to the other end, back up again, etc.) It will feel a little like I'm at least doing *something*. Plus, this last year of TTC has done a number on my body, and I'm so out of shape it makes me cringe.
What I need, though, is to see if I can get the book we're supposed to be reading for my work's leadership book club in audio form. Then I can walk and listen to it at the same time, thereby being efficient. :P
The other things I really need to do include getting my house clean - all our Christmas stuff packed up - and getting our garage cleaned out. My poor little car could also really use a good cleaning. And, I'd like to revisit all the stuff I had planned for my upcoming book release. I really shouldn't let it sit by the wayside, no matter how depressed I am. A book birthday pretty much only comes along once in a book's lifetime and it would be stupid to waste it wallowing in self-pity.
Going to try not to do too much too fast, though. One thing at a time. One day at a time. Have to try and keep the days busy so that they pass faster. So that AF comes sooner. It's my choice, really, whether these days and weeks fly by or whether they drag... and the key is to keep them full of stuff to do. So that's what I'll work on, starting today. At least it will make me feel like I'm doing something to get me closer to the goal, even if it's just waiting it out.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Maybe
My insomnia didn't take very long to come back... I didn't fall asleep at all last night. I am woozy and exhausted today. I finished my page proofs and emailed them in; also verified that my next book's cover and release date were launched on my publisher's website, so I'm finally able to announce them on my FB page. Took care of that this morning.
But I've realized that every book release I've ever had has occurred during a time of chaos in my life, a time when I didn't have the emotional energy to commit to promotion or psyching up my readers or anything else. And it's happening again this time. The book comes out in March... a while back I had made a long checklist of action items I was going to do in order to promote it - website updates, contests, surveys, some promotional giveaway items, a launch party and so on. Now I'm depressed. And I know that sounds stupid, but the joy just isn't there. I want it to be, but it feels hollow. Writing is the one dream that I have actually achieved in my life, the only one that hasn't been taken away from me. Yet I want a baby so much more that the whole book thing doesn't feel exciting, just tiresome. A big responsibility, that I had wanted to tackle with brightness and energy this time around, and instead just feels like a poor substitute for what I really wanted.
I was going to announce my pregnancy right around the book release date. March was going to be one of the most awesome months of my entire life. Now, I'll be lucky if I get to spend some of it in Greece, trying again.
I've been lying in bed for hours now, unable to sleep. Finished my page proofs super early this morning, so next on the list is house cleaning. There's tons to do. Kaitlin asked me to do one thing in particular, while she's out taking her PLACE exams today, and I can't remember what it was. And I don't want to lie in bed anymore, but I also don't feel like cleaning. I know, intrinsically, that if I force myself to do it I might feel a little better. Maybe I would feel like we were moving on. Like I'm hitting the reset button on life, getting to the acceptance phase of this whole grief process, and getting over it. It's not like there's any other choice. And that's what makes me angry, I guess, not having any other choices.
A clean house would be a start. But some part of me resents it, doesn't want to pack away Christmas and straighten the house and try to get back into life again, when it's not the life I wanted. Some part of me wants to sit and be angry. Some part of me is furious that I don't have the option to reject this, to declare it unacceptable, to wave a magic wand and be pregnant through sheer force of will. And that part of me is sitting sullenly in bed. As if, by boycotting life until it gives me what I want, I can somehow make the universe feel sorry for being so mean to me. Like some sort of whiny victim who imagines herself the Gandhi of miscarriage.
It doesn't get much more self-centered than that, does it? And if that's the attitude I'm going to have, my misery is self-inflicted and I don't have the right to complain.
Not sure which stage of grief you'd call this. Pretty sure Anger, mostly because Denial's not an option. Probably going to skip over Bargaining, because... well, I've got nothing to bargain with. And Depression's in there too. May even get worse BECAUSE I have to clean the house, and go back to work, and focus on money and my cycles and all of that again. And I have the uncomfortable feeling I'm not going to be able to achieve Acceptance until we are actually able to launch another round, and that it may be contingent on whether or not a second round is successful.
I am afraid of expecting too much from a second try. Google seems to think that a person is more fertile after miscarriage. That statistically I am unlikely to miscarry twice in a row. I find myself starting to feel pretty damn entitled - OF COURSE I will get pregnant right away on our next try, and OF COURSE I will get to keep it then, because I have most certainly earned it by now, right? I keep having to remind myself there's the chance I'll go back and not get pregnant at all. Or go back, get pregnant, and miscarry again. Not everybody gets a happy ending. And then what? How many times can I do this before the money runs out? Before I'm so deep in debt it will take me the rest of my career to pay it off? And what if I do get pregnant, after saddling us and our future child with so much debt that all the things I dreamed of being able to do with and for our child are now impossible?
I "what if" things to death. Right now March is my beacon of hope. We won't get to try in January. If I'm lucky this bleeding will stop soon and my HcG will zero out on its own. Then we have to skip February while I file my taxes and wait for an AF to come and go. And then, maybe, if those things will happen quickly enough, maybe we can take our next try in March. And maybe, if that goes right this time, I will still have a baby by Christmas. Maybe.
Or maybe I will be deleting this blog and giving up.
But I've realized that every book release I've ever had has occurred during a time of chaos in my life, a time when I didn't have the emotional energy to commit to promotion or psyching up my readers or anything else. And it's happening again this time. The book comes out in March... a while back I had made a long checklist of action items I was going to do in order to promote it - website updates, contests, surveys, some promotional giveaway items, a launch party and so on. Now I'm depressed. And I know that sounds stupid, but the joy just isn't there. I want it to be, but it feels hollow. Writing is the one dream that I have actually achieved in my life, the only one that hasn't been taken away from me. Yet I want a baby so much more that the whole book thing doesn't feel exciting, just tiresome. A big responsibility, that I had wanted to tackle with brightness and energy this time around, and instead just feels like a poor substitute for what I really wanted.
I was going to announce my pregnancy right around the book release date. March was going to be one of the most awesome months of my entire life. Now, I'll be lucky if I get to spend some of it in Greece, trying again.
I've been lying in bed for hours now, unable to sleep. Finished my page proofs super early this morning, so next on the list is house cleaning. There's tons to do. Kaitlin asked me to do one thing in particular, while she's out taking her PLACE exams today, and I can't remember what it was. And I don't want to lie in bed anymore, but I also don't feel like cleaning. I know, intrinsically, that if I force myself to do it I might feel a little better. Maybe I would feel like we were moving on. Like I'm hitting the reset button on life, getting to the acceptance phase of this whole grief process, and getting over it. It's not like there's any other choice. And that's what makes me angry, I guess, not having any other choices.
A clean house would be a start. But some part of me resents it, doesn't want to pack away Christmas and straighten the house and try to get back into life again, when it's not the life I wanted. Some part of me wants to sit and be angry. Some part of me is furious that I don't have the option to reject this, to declare it unacceptable, to wave a magic wand and be pregnant through sheer force of will. And that part of me is sitting sullenly in bed. As if, by boycotting life until it gives me what I want, I can somehow make the universe feel sorry for being so mean to me. Like some sort of whiny victim who imagines herself the Gandhi of miscarriage.
It doesn't get much more self-centered than that, does it? And if that's the attitude I'm going to have, my misery is self-inflicted and I don't have the right to complain.
Not sure which stage of grief you'd call this. Pretty sure Anger, mostly because Denial's not an option. Probably going to skip over Bargaining, because... well, I've got nothing to bargain with. And Depression's in there too. May even get worse BECAUSE I have to clean the house, and go back to work, and focus on money and my cycles and all of that again. And I have the uncomfortable feeling I'm not going to be able to achieve Acceptance until we are actually able to launch another round, and that it may be contingent on whether or not a second round is successful.
I am afraid of expecting too much from a second try. Google seems to think that a person is more fertile after miscarriage. That statistically I am unlikely to miscarry twice in a row. I find myself starting to feel pretty damn entitled - OF COURSE I will get pregnant right away on our next try, and OF COURSE I will get to keep it then, because I have most certainly earned it by now, right? I keep having to remind myself there's the chance I'll go back and not get pregnant at all. Or go back, get pregnant, and miscarry again. Not everybody gets a happy ending. And then what? How many times can I do this before the money runs out? Before I'm so deep in debt it will take me the rest of my career to pay it off? And what if I do get pregnant, after saddling us and our future child with so much debt that all the things I dreamed of being able to do with and for our child are now impossible?
I "what if" things to death. Right now March is my beacon of hope. We won't get to try in January. If I'm lucky this bleeding will stop soon and my HcG will zero out on its own. Then we have to skip February while I file my taxes and wait for an AF to come and go. And then, maybe, if those things will happen quickly enough, maybe we can take our next try in March. And maybe, if that goes right this time, I will still have a baby by Christmas. Maybe.
Or maybe I will be deleting this blog and giving up.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Waking up
And like I feared, it's the waking up that hurts most. Waking up and remembering that I'm not more pregnant today than yesterday, that there's no baby coming in September, that everything I have to do at work next week will not be underscored with the secret joy of pregnancy, that nothing is different between today and last year except that I'm $15k deeper in debt.
And to top it off I realized that somehow I have to learn how to give myself injections for the next round, because I have to travel alone. And while that may sound stupid, since I've been having daily injections for a year now, I am having a near panic attack. I have a needle phobia. It takes every ounce of willpower I have, every night, to brace myself for each injection.... And sometimes I am so scared I can't breathe. How am I ever going to be able to give the shot to myself??
Yet we will be scraping every penny just to be able to go back at all. We can't afford two plane tickets.
Am I insane to want to do this again? But when I think about giving up, I feel so depressed I can't stand it. I actually don't know what I will do with my life if I don't get pregnant. I don't know what will get me through the day, for the rest of my life, if I don't have that dream to hold on to. Like, what's the point of continuing to get out of bed in the morning...
I am hungover and wide awake and miserable and still bleeding. But woke up to an email that the Greek clinic will give me a second try for 4800 euro. The us dollar's stronger now too, so that makes the cost about $5700. I'll need $1300 for a plane ticket and probably $250 for hotel and $200ish for taxis and $200 ish for meds... $7650. If the dollar holds. It's still a lot of money but I can do this... I can do this.
Just have to stop bleeding first. And find the strength to get out of bed.
EDIT: and the meds I was so anxious about just arrived on my doorstep. I would have had them in time... If there was still a baby that needed them. But it's just as well that they got here today. Might as well get the loss over with all at once. Better to get the full beating right away than to drag it out over weeks and months. Life is going to move on whether I want it to or not.
And to top it off I realized that somehow I have to learn how to give myself injections for the next round, because I have to travel alone. And while that may sound stupid, since I've been having daily injections for a year now, I am having a near panic attack. I have a needle phobia. It takes every ounce of willpower I have, every night, to brace myself for each injection.... And sometimes I am so scared I can't breathe. How am I ever going to be able to give the shot to myself??
Yet we will be scraping every penny just to be able to go back at all. We can't afford two plane tickets.
Am I insane to want to do this again? But when I think about giving up, I feel so depressed I can't stand it. I actually don't know what I will do with my life if I don't get pregnant. I don't know what will get me through the day, for the rest of my life, if I don't have that dream to hold on to. Like, what's the point of continuing to get out of bed in the morning...
I am hungover and wide awake and miserable and still bleeding. But woke up to an email that the Greek clinic will give me a second try for 4800 euro. The us dollar's stronger now too, so that makes the cost about $5700. I'll need $1300 for a plane ticket and probably $250 for hotel and $200ish for taxis and $200 ish for meds... $7650. If the dollar holds. It's still a lot of money but I can do this... I can do this.
Just have to stop bleeding first. And find the strength to get out of bed.
EDIT: and the meds I was so anxious about just arrived on my doorstep. I would have had them in time... If there was still a baby that needed them. But it's just as well that they got here today. Might as well get the loss over with all at once. Better to get the full beating right away than to drag it out over weeks and months. Life is going to move on whether I want it to or not.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
5WK2D - Wait and see :(
It's the last day of 2014. And I am a little terrified - was doing fine this morning until I went to the bathroom a few minutes ago and found that I'm spotting. Now, it could be completely normal. Might not mean anything at all. It's not a heavy or bright flow, I'm feeling some unusual twinges/tightness/heaviness in my abdomen but not cramping, per se - and this is just a bit of brown spotting. I don't usually spot, I usually full-on BLEED, so it could still be okay.
But I am so worried that it's not. ;.;
I only *just* managed to get this new OB/GYN to agree to see me next week, when they didn't want to do it until the end of January. I can't exactly call them and ask them to see me *omgrightnow* because of spotting. But if I call my RE's office they'll tell me I'm not their patient anymore. And the Greek clinic is too far away to be able to do anything or tell me anything about it. There's nothing to do but wait until tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, and pray that it doesn't turn into any sort of full flow.
Last night I went to my general physician, who had me give a urine sample. They couldn't find any indication of a UTI in the basic test they did, but he prescribed me antibiotics anyway to be safe - Keflex, which he says is safe for pregnancy. I went home in the -10 degree weather, ate dinner, then drove to the pharmacy to pick up the meds. They taste TERRIBLE. Like, gag-me terrible. But I managed to get them down, along with my last progesterone pill of the day, and Kaitlin gave me the heparin shot (shudder) and I went to bed early.
Exhausted this morning, even harder time getting the antibiotics down, but already the super-frequent peeing seems to have slowed as has some of the discomfort I was feeling yesterday. Ate some yogurt for probiotics, and will need to make sure to have pretty decent servings every day until I'm off the antibiotics. Was feeling pretty awesome about today, and ending the year pregnant, and all of that - and then this.
And there's nothing to do but wait and see. It's not like there's anything they could do at this point if I WAS miscarrying. It will either happen or it won't. But I am so worried that this cold, and possible UTI, might have done something bad to the pregnancy. And I won't really know if there's still a baby in there until next week. We may or may not get to see a heartbeat - if the baby's in there and doing ok it will have a beating heart by then, but may be too small to see it. Or maybe there were two babies in there, and the spotting has to do with one of them not being strong enough to make it. Or maybe there are two babies in there, and the spotting is related to having twins - apparently that's more common in twin pregnancies. So many unknowns. Oh, oh, OH THE CONTROL FREAK IN ME HATES THE UNKNOWNS OF TTC. Seriously. It is so hard to plan for the future when things are so up in the air.
Will I get pregnant?
When will I get pregnant?
Will the pregnancy stick?
If the pregnancy doesn't stick, how long before miscarriage happens?
How many babies are in there?
If there's more than one, will they all make it?
What sex(es) are the baby(ies)?
Will the baby(ies) develop normally and be healthy?
Will having a cold/UTI/whatever cause interference with the pregnancy in any way?
If the pregnancy doesn't stick, how long before we can try again?
And on, and on, and on. Where is my crystal ball, dammit?? Or my time machine, so I can hop a couple years into the future and get answers to these questions, every one of which will have a relatively significant impact on the way my future progresses. Yet none will have answers AT LEAST until next week at the first u/s, and maybe not for weeks or months after that. Oh, how I hate unknowns. And I realize my little type-A personality needs to Let It Go. I should probably have that song on repeat right now, seriously. This is a skill I am seriously lacking.
So we achieved our OLW for 2014 - CONCEIVE. I was considering what the word for 2015 will be, but I think I'll have to hold off on deciding until we see what happens at the ultrasound next week. Until we see if this holds, I don't know what's coming next. But maybe it should have something to do with learning to let go. If there was one skill in this life that I really, really need, it's that one. I'm awful at it.
I am hoping and wishing that the spotting goes away. Maybe it's just the infection being cleared by the antibiotics? Maybe it's just the baby snuggling in a little deeper, getting a better grip in there?
Please, oh please, universe, don't take this away now. PLEASE. After everything we've done to get here this year, it will just make me want to curl up into a little ball and implode...
EDIT: Okay, deep breath. I am reminding myself that the day we got our BFP, I had lots of cramping - bad enough to use a heating pad - and spotting that was much heavier than this. But I'd felt pretty peaceful and confident anyway, because for the very first time I had a second line on a test.
So bottom line is, I need to have a nice, big pregnant-lady lunch, including a plate full of greens, carrots, tomatoes and snow peas, and a lentil and sausage soup. I need to take my meds, take my vitamins, drink water like it's going out of style, and rest assured that no matter what happens, it's not the end. Worst case scenario, we miscarry - and I'll shuck money at our HELOC until I have enough to try again. October - maybe August.
Internet says 50% of women with spotting don't miscarry. Other studies show even better percentages than that. So stressing isn't going to help - but eating and drinking and resting will, and that's just what I'm going to do.
I have tomorrow off, for the New Year's holiday. I am assigning myself to bed rest for the entire day. No chores, no nothing. I will sleep as late as I want, I will take a nap, and I will sit in bed and do page proofs all day long. If Kaitlin is home I will make her bring me food. :P
In the meantime, since I got paid today, I paid my bills. Did a little research on our travel American Express, and due to some promotional benefits and the significant portion of our Greek trip that I was able to use it for, I should end up with enough rewards points to get free airline tickets to Vegas for our elopement later this year.
Or maybe it's just the afternoon meds making me dizzy, which is a feeling slightly like being drunk, in which things feel less serious and less important and I feel oddly more relaxed. Now back to our regularly scheduled workday, and I'm actually going to try and enjoy this (perfectly legal, even at work, haha) buzz. LOL.
But I am so worried that it's not. ;.;
I only *just* managed to get this new OB/GYN to agree to see me next week, when they didn't want to do it until the end of January. I can't exactly call them and ask them to see me *omgrightnow* because of spotting. But if I call my RE's office they'll tell me I'm not their patient anymore. And the Greek clinic is too far away to be able to do anything or tell me anything about it. There's nothing to do but wait until tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, and pray that it doesn't turn into any sort of full flow.
Last night I went to my general physician, who had me give a urine sample. They couldn't find any indication of a UTI in the basic test they did, but he prescribed me antibiotics anyway to be safe - Keflex, which he says is safe for pregnancy. I went home in the -10 degree weather, ate dinner, then drove to the pharmacy to pick up the meds. They taste TERRIBLE. Like, gag-me terrible. But I managed to get them down, along with my last progesterone pill of the day, and Kaitlin gave me the heparin shot (shudder) and I went to bed early.
Exhausted this morning, even harder time getting the antibiotics down, but already the super-frequent peeing seems to have slowed as has some of the discomfort I was feeling yesterday. Ate some yogurt for probiotics, and will need to make sure to have pretty decent servings every day until I'm off the antibiotics. Was feeling pretty awesome about today, and ending the year pregnant, and all of that - and then this.
And there's nothing to do but wait and see. It's not like there's anything they could do at this point if I WAS miscarrying. It will either happen or it won't. But I am so worried that this cold, and possible UTI, might have done something bad to the pregnancy. And I won't really know if there's still a baby in there until next week. We may or may not get to see a heartbeat - if the baby's in there and doing ok it will have a beating heart by then, but may be too small to see it. Or maybe there were two babies in there, and the spotting has to do with one of them not being strong enough to make it. Or maybe there are two babies in there, and the spotting is related to having twins - apparently that's more common in twin pregnancies. So many unknowns. Oh, oh, OH THE CONTROL FREAK IN ME HATES THE UNKNOWNS OF TTC. Seriously. It is so hard to plan for the future when things are so up in the air.
Will I get pregnant?
When will I get pregnant?
Will the pregnancy stick?
If the pregnancy doesn't stick, how long before miscarriage happens?
How many babies are in there?
If there's more than one, will they all make it?
What sex(es) are the baby(ies)?
Will the baby(ies) develop normally and be healthy?
Will having a cold/UTI/whatever cause interference with the pregnancy in any way?
If the pregnancy doesn't stick, how long before we can try again?
And on, and on, and on. Where is my crystal ball, dammit?? Or my time machine, so I can hop a couple years into the future and get answers to these questions, every one of which will have a relatively significant impact on the way my future progresses. Yet none will have answers AT LEAST until next week at the first u/s, and maybe not for weeks or months after that. Oh, how I hate unknowns. And I realize my little type-A personality needs to Let It Go. I should probably have that song on repeat right now, seriously. This is a skill I am seriously lacking.
So we achieved our OLW for 2014 - CONCEIVE. I was considering what the word for 2015 will be, but I think I'll have to hold off on deciding until we see what happens at the ultrasound next week. Until we see if this holds, I don't know what's coming next. But maybe it should have something to do with learning to let go. If there was one skill in this life that I really, really need, it's that one. I'm awful at it.
I am hoping and wishing that the spotting goes away. Maybe it's just the infection being cleared by the antibiotics? Maybe it's just the baby snuggling in a little deeper, getting a better grip in there?
Please, oh please, universe, don't take this away now. PLEASE. After everything we've done to get here this year, it will just make me want to curl up into a little ball and implode...
EDIT: Okay, deep breath. I am reminding myself that the day we got our BFP, I had lots of cramping - bad enough to use a heating pad - and spotting that was much heavier than this. But I'd felt pretty peaceful and confident anyway, because for the very first time I had a second line on a test.
So bottom line is, I need to have a nice, big pregnant-lady lunch, including a plate full of greens, carrots, tomatoes and snow peas, and a lentil and sausage soup. I need to take my meds, take my vitamins, drink water like it's going out of style, and rest assured that no matter what happens, it's not the end. Worst case scenario, we miscarry - and I'll shuck money at our HELOC until I have enough to try again. October - maybe August.
Internet says 50% of women with spotting don't miscarry. Other studies show even better percentages than that. So stressing isn't going to help - but eating and drinking and resting will, and that's just what I'm going to do.
I have tomorrow off, for the New Year's holiday. I am assigning myself to bed rest for the entire day. No chores, no nothing. I will sleep as late as I want, I will take a nap, and I will sit in bed and do page proofs all day long. If Kaitlin is home I will make her bring me food. :P
In the meantime, since I got paid today, I paid my bills. Did a little research on our travel American Express, and due to some promotional benefits and the significant portion of our Greek trip that I was able to use it for, I should end up with enough rewards points to get free airline tickets to Vegas for our elopement later this year.
Or maybe it's just the afternoon meds making me dizzy, which is a feeling slightly like being drunk, in which things feel less serious and less important and I feel oddly more relaxed. Now back to our regularly scheduled workday, and I'm actually going to try and enjoy this (perfectly legal, even at work, haha) buzz. LOL.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Meds are here, Procedure delayed
So my meds arrived on Saturday - three boxes of Lupron, which came with syringes, conveniently, so that I don't have to go buy extras - three boxes of estrogen - one box of progesterone (because I already have some left over.)
But, because my period started way early, my procedure had to be rescheduled. I now won't start injections until the 15th of November, which pushes my transfer date back to early/mid December. Much better in terms of plane ticket prices, at least, but I'm worried. I'm now on the eighth day of this period, when they usually only last about five days. I'm finally just spotting, so I should be done today, but between that and how short this last cycle was I've got this awful feeling that maybe there's something wrong... what if we go out there, spend $13,000 on this, and still don't get pregnant?
I wasn't able to sleep last night, thinking about it. My mom reminded me a few days ago that she went through menopause at my age (35) and I'm so worried that it's happening to me now too. And I don't know whether embryo transfer works if you're menopausal??
Anyway, I'm just really nervous.
I got my dress done for the event this weekend, and got my apprentice sister's coat done. My embroidery skills are dreadful but at least from a bit of distance it will look nice... Wish I'd had a little more time, as it would have been nice to put laurels in more places, but I just couldn't squeeze in more than four. Hopefully she likes it. I am nervous about my dress, too. I finally got it altered enough to where the waistline sits in the right spot and the back doesn't scrunch. But it's made out of cheap materials and faked layers, partly for ease of dressing and to be cooler when camping, and partly because I have like NO money to buy fabric right now. I hope that it looks okay.
Since I didn't sleep at all last night I finally just got up and came in to work early. Hoping that means I will get to leave work early today, so I can go home, clean the kitchen, make dinner, get in a little editing and then get to bed. After the event this weekend I'm going to have to focus on nothing but edits... but the nice thing is, edits are due before the Greece trip, so I won't have to spend our vacation worrying about them. All in all, the delay in this treatment is for the best. I know it is, since my body is obviously resetting itself right now, and it will probably make for a less stressful last-minute thing for the donor too. Oddly, they still haven't sent me a list of their available female donors, so I have no idea if they're picking someone for me or just waiting until my cycle is ready before calling one in.
Anyway, that's what's on my mind this week. Two weeks, then, before injections start up again. I guess we're really stretching this year's OLW (CONCIEVE) into the last possible moments, aren't we? :P
But, because my period started way early, my procedure had to be rescheduled. I now won't start injections until the 15th of November, which pushes my transfer date back to early/mid December. Much better in terms of plane ticket prices, at least, but I'm worried. I'm now on the eighth day of this period, when they usually only last about five days. I'm finally just spotting, so I should be done today, but between that and how short this last cycle was I've got this awful feeling that maybe there's something wrong... what if we go out there, spend $13,000 on this, and still don't get pregnant?
I wasn't able to sleep last night, thinking about it. My mom reminded me a few days ago that she went through menopause at my age (35) and I'm so worried that it's happening to me now too. And I don't know whether embryo transfer works if you're menopausal??
Anyway, I'm just really nervous.
I got my dress done for the event this weekend, and got my apprentice sister's coat done. My embroidery skills are dreadful but at least from a bit of distance it will look nice... Wish I'd had a little more time, as it would have been nice to put laurels in more places, but I just couldn't squeeze in more than four. Hopefully she likes it. I am nervous about my dress, too. I finally got it altered enough to where the waistline sits in the right spot and the back doesn't scrunch. But it's made out of cheap materials and faked layers, partly for ease of dressing and to be cooler when camping, and partly because I have like NO money to buy fabric right now. I hope that it looks okay.
Since I didn't sleep at all last night I finally just got up and came in to work early. Hoping that means I will get to leave work early today, so I can go home, clean the kitchen, make dinner, get in a little editing and then get to bed. After the event this weekend I'm going to have to focus on nothing but edits... but the nice thing is, edits are due before the Greece trip, so I won't have to spend our vacation worrying about them. All in all, the delay in this treatment is for the best. I know it is, since my body is obviously resetting itself right now, and it will probably make for a less stressful last-minute thing for the donor too. Oddly, they still haven't sent me a list of their available female donors, so I have no idea if they're picking someone for me or just waiting until my cycle is ready before calling one in.
Anyway, that's what's on my mind this week. Two weeks, then, before injections start up again. I guess we're really stretching this year's OLW (CONCIEVE) into the last possible moments, aren't we? :P
Friday, October 24, 2014
Time for an update - treatment should be starting soon
So here's what's happened in the last week:
My estrogen, STD and ultrasound results were forwarded to the Greek clinic.
The clinic sent me a prescription for the medications they want me on: decapeptyl, progynova, and utrogestan. After a lot of googling and calls to my pharmacy, turns out this is basically Lupron, estrogen and progesterone. So today, I have to call my RE's office and see if they will issue me prescriptions based on the Greek prescriptions, so that the pharmacy will honor them. I'm a little concerned about the cost of the Lupron, which looks to be about as expensive as the Follistim was. :(
I closed on my HELOC, and there is now $15,000 sitting in my bank account. But I also have $3500 sitting on my credit card. Between that and the cost of these meds, plus the $7000 procedure, $1200 for freezing leftover embryos, $2800ish for two plane tickets, and about $1800 for hotel/tours and the
like... plus what will probably be $2500 in meds, we're looking at around $18,000 in debt when it's
all said and done. Ayyy. I'm sincerely hoping I'm overestimating some of these costs. It's still probably $10K less, or more, than doing a procedure with a donor egg over here. But I will be so devastated if this doesn't work. X.x
The clinic sent us the website of the sperm bank they work with (http://dk.cryosinternational.com) and asked us to pick a donor. Kaitlin and I fell in love with one profile in particular, a redheaded actor/comedian with such a delightful personality -- only to learn that we wouldn't be allowed to choose him because he hadn't chosen to be exclusively anonymous, and Greek law will only allow us to pick from anonymous donors. So it was back to the drawing board last night, and we spent probably three hours going over the other options. Finally settled on another red-headed guy. Kaitlin really likes the idea of giving our kiddo the chance at red hair. And the names we've picked out are strongly Irish, so it does seem like it would be apropos, somehow. I emailed the clinic again last night with our second choice, here's hoping it goes through.
I've been emailing with a Greek travel agency as well (www.fantasytravelofgreece.com). We're going to get a touring package, to make the most of the money we're already spending just to get to Athens. At first I was really hoping to do an island tour - especially Lesvos, which I've always wanted to see - but most of the islands aren't very active in the winter, and apparently traveling between them is a bit rough and expensive. So rather than spend most of our time on a ferry or waiting at airports, we're just going to do an expanded tour of Athens and the nearby area instead. The package includes a half-day tour of the Acropolis, a four-day "classical" tour of neighboring areas like Olympia, Delphi and Meteora, and a one-day island cruise between three of the smaller islands, in addition to hotel stays. I did ask them for less expensive hotels, as it's not the bed we sleep in that I want to spend my money on. So we've narrowed it down to the package and hotel bracket we want, and I just need the actual
transfer date so I can buy plane tickets and make reservations.
It's looking like the trip is going to happen end of November / beginning of December. I'm actually hoping for December, because the last week of November is Thanksgiving and the cost of plane tickets goes up several hundred dollars. Ugh. But I don't really get to dictate to my body, or the egg donors, what I want the timing to be. I guess we just see how it plays out.
The Greek clinic asked for some photos of myself, I guess so that they can narrow down their list of egg donors and send me a few options to choose from that are similar to me in appearance (and available). I'm waiting to hear back from them on that.
Now, add to all of that the fact that I got the edits for my next book back from my publisher, and they want them returned by December 1; and there is a big SCA event in two weeks that I'm trying to make an appropriate dress for AND do some work for my apprentice-sister who's being elevated to Laurel (it's a really big deal in the group); and all my staff's annual performance evaluations have to be completed next month before I leave on a vacation; and I am feeling just a wee bit overwhelmed with trying to coordinate everything.
Still, it feels nice to think that we're taking action, above and beyond the "let's take some meds and throw some sperm in there and wait to see if it takes, knowing it's unlikely" approach that we've had all year. I am praying to every power in the universe that might be listening that this will work (and work the first time, and work with just one embryo.) Who would have ever thought that getting pregnant would be this hard??
My estrogen, STD and ultrasound results were forwarded to the Greek clinic.
The clinic sent me a prescription for the medications they want me on: decapeptyl, progynova, and utrogestan. After a lot of googling and calls to my pharmacy, turns out this is basically Lupron, estrogen and progesterone. So today, I have to call my RE's office and see if they will issue me prescriptions based on the Greek prescriptions, so that the pharmacy will honor them. I'm a little concerned about the cost of the Lupron, which looks to be about as expensive as the Follistim was. :(
I closed on my HELOC, and there is now $15,000 sitting in my bank account. But I also have $3500 sitting on my credit card. Between that and the cost of these meds, plus the $7000 procedure, $1200 for freezing leftover embryos, $2800ish for two plane tickets, and about $1800 for hotel/tours and the
like... plus what will probably be $2500 in meds, we're looking at around $18,000 in debt when it's
all said and done. Ayyy. I'm sincerely hoping I'm overestimating some of these costs. It's still probably $10K less, or more, than doing a procedure with a donor egg over here. But I will be so devastated if this doesn't work. X.x
The clinic sent us the website of the sperm bank they work with (http://dk.cryosinternational.com) and asked us to pick a donor. Kaitlin and I fell in love with one profile in particular, a redheaded actor/comedian with such a delightful personality -- only to learn that we wouldn't be allowed to choose him because he hadn't chosen to be exclusively anonymous, and Greek law will only allow us to pick from anonymous donors. So it was back to the drawing board last night, and we spent probably three hours going over the other options. Finally settled on another red-headed guy. Kaitlin really likes the idea of giving our kiddo the chance at red hair. And the names we've picked out are strongly Irish, so it does seem like it would be apropos, somehow. I emailed the clinic again last night with our second choice, here's hoping it goes through.
I've been emailing with a Greek travel agency as well (www.fantasytravelofgreece.com). We're going to get a touring package, to make the most of the money we're already spending just to get to Athens. At first I was really hoping to do an island tour - especially Lesvos, which I've always wanted to see - but most of the islands aren't very active in the winter, and apparently traveling between them is a bit rough and expensive. So rather than spend most of our time on a ferry or waiting at airports, we're just going to do an expanded tour of Athens and the nearby area instead. The package includes a half-day tour of the Acropolis, a four-day "classical" tour of neighboring areas like Olympia, Delphi and Meteora, and a one-day island cruise between three of the smaller islands, in addition to hotel stays. I did ask them for less expensive hotels, as it's not the bed we sleep in that I want to spend my money on. So we've narrowed it down to the package and hotel bracket we want, and I just need the actual
transfer date so I can buy plane tickets and make reservations.
It's looking like the trip is going to happen end of November / beginning of December. I'm actually hoping for December, because the last week of November is Thanksgiving and the cost of plane tickets goes up several hundred dollars. Ugh. But I don't really get to dictate to my body, or the egg donors, what I want the timing to be. I guess we just see how it plays out.
The Greek clinic asked for some photos of myself, I guess so that they can narrow down their list of egg donors and send me a few options to choose from that are similar to me in appearance (and available). I'm waiting to hear back from them on that.
Now, add to all of that the fact that I got the edits for my next book back from my publisher, and they want them returned by December 1; and there is a big SCA event in two weeks that I'm trying to make an appropriate dress for AND do some work for my apprentice-sister who's being elevated to Laurel (it's a really big deal in the group); and all my staff's annual performance evaluations have to be completed next month before I leave on a vacation; and I am feeling just a wee bit overwhelmed with trying to coordinate everything.
Still, it feels nice to think that we're taking action, above and beyond the "let's take some meds and throw some sperm in there and wait to see if it takes, knowing it's unlikely" approach that we've had all year. I am praying to every power in the universe that might be listening that this will work (and work the first time, and work with just one embryo.) Who would have ever thought that getting pregnant would be this hard??
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Tests this morning
I went to the RE this morning and had another blood draw and ultrasound. They printed out the Greek clinic's email, and they're going to email the results to them for me.
In the meantime, I got an email back from the Greek clinic. They're quoting a price of 5500 Euros (about $7000) which does not include freezing of leftover embryos or my own meds. I was expecting that it wouldn't include my meds, but a little confused that it doesn't include the freezing. Their website says that an embryo donation IVF will cost 4800 Euros, so I was assuming the extra 700 was for freezing... if it isn't, and I have to pay an extra 1000 like they've quoted, then I'll have to adjust my budget by about $1000 in order to account for the freezing of leftovers. Eeep. Doesn't mean I'm not moving forward with it, but I did send her an email back asking where the extra 700 Euros came from. I wonder if the prices on their website aren't up to date?
In addition, she said that their success rate is that about 60% of patients get a positive pregnancy test, and the live birth rate is 46%. But I am wondering if that is with donor eggs, or if that's their overall clinic's success rate including ladies who do IVF with their own eggs. Their website specifies a 70% success rate with donor eggs, which leads me to believe that either they are inflating their rates for their website, or else the number she's quoting me includes both standard and donor egg IVF. Anyway... if the birth rate is 46%, then that would mean that 76% of their positive pregnancies result in a live birth, or just over 3/4 of them. That sounds about right. But it does leave some food for thought. If 60% of patients get a positive test, it stands to reason that many of those patients opted for a 2-embryo transfer rather than just one. I am curious to know what the success percentage is for those patients who opt for just one... is it about the same? And I am curious what percentage of those live births were twins?
I may ask her these questions later, or just save them for the discussion when we're actually in Greece, about how many embryos to put back. A lot of it will depend on the quality of the embryos that result, anyway. If we get at least one really high-quality one, then I think we'll just transfer that one. If they're all somewhat questionable quality, then I might risk 2.
Anyway, I've been keeping an eye on the exchange rate, too. It's 1.28 right now. If it drops to 1.26 or lower I may go ahead and try to change my USD into Euro while the rate is lower. They're predicting that it will be at 1.24 next month, and continue to decrease, so I figure I should probably wait as long as I can to make payments in the hopes that the rate will keep dropping in the next few months. For example, today 5500 Euro is $7040 USD. But if the rate were to drop to 1.24, it would be only $6820 USD - a $120 difference. And that $120 could cover nearly three of my ultrasound co-pay appointments here. :P So while I am waiting for test results and more information from the Greek clinic, I am entertaining myself with budget planning - LOL.
Kaitlin and I are looking through the Cryos International sperm bank now, to find the donor we want. So far the front-runner is a red-haired actor/comedian/gamer geek, whose profile is utterly charming and full of personality. Since both the names we have picked out are strongly Irish, it wouldn't hurt to have a red-headed kiddo. :P
Now to wait for the Greek clinic to get my test results so we can see what happens next...
In the meantime, I got an email back from the Greek clinic. They're quoting a price of 5500 Euros (about $7000) which does not include freezing of leftover embryos or my own meds. I was expecting that it wouldn't include my meds, but a little confused that it doesn't include the freezing. Their website says that an embryo donation IVF will cost 4800 Euros, so I was assuming the extra 700 was for freezing... if it isn't, and I have to pay an extra 1000 like they've quoted, then I'll have to adjust my budget by about $1000 in order to account for the freezing of leftovers. Eeep. Doesn't mean I'm not moving forward with it, but I did send her an email back asking where the extra 700 Euros came from. I wonder if the prices on their website aren't up to date?
In addition, she said that their success rate is that about 60% of patients get a positive pregnancy test, and the live birth rate is 46%. But I am wondering if that is with donor eggs, or if that's their overall clinic's success rate including ladies who do IVF with their own eggs. Their website specifies a 70% success rate with donor eggs, which leads me to believe that either they are inflating their rates for their website, or else the number she's quoting me includes both standard and donor egg IVF. Anyway... if the birth rate is 46%, then that would mean that 76% of their positive pregnancies result in a live birth, or just over 3/4 of them. That sounds about right. But it does leave some food for thought. If 60% of patients get a positive test, it stands to reason that many of those patients opted for a 2-embryo transfer rather than just one. I am curious to know what the success percentage is for those patients who opt for just one... is it about the same? And I am curious what percentage of those live births were twins?
I may ask her these questions later, or just save them for the discussion when we're actually in Greece, about how many embryos to put back. A lot of it will depend on the quality of the embryos that result, anyway. If we get at least one really high-quality one, then I think we'll just transfer that one. If they're all somewhat questionable quality, then I might risk 2.
Anyway, I've been keeping an eye on the exchange rate, too. It's 1.28 right now. If it drops to 1.26 or lower I may go ahead and try to change my USD into Euro while the rate is lower. They're predicting that it will be at 1.24 next month, and continue to decrease, so I figure I should probably wait as long as I can to make payments in the hopes that the rate will keep dropping in the next few months. For example, today 5500 Euro is $7040 USD. But if the rate were to drop to 1.24, it would be only $6820 USD - a $120 difference. And that $120 could cover nearly three of my ultrasound co-pay appointments here. :P So while I am waiting for test results and more information from the Greek clinic, I am entertaining myself with budget planning - LOL.
Kaitlin and I are looking through the Cryos International sperm bank now, to find the donor we want. So far the front-runner is a red-haired actor/comedian/gamer geek, whose profile is utterly charming and full of personality. Since both the names we have picked out are strongly Irish, it wouldn't hurt to have a red-headed kiddo. :P
Now to wait for the Greek clinic to get my test results so we can see what happens next...
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Getting the ball rolling
I did get an email back from the Greek clinic, Embio, this morning. They asked me a list of questions about myself and my health history, and requested ultrasound, estradiol, HIV, Hep B and Hep C test results.
So, I called my RE, let them know that AF has shown again, and made an appointment for this Thursday for what has pretty much become the routine - ultrasound and bloodwork. Once I get the test results they get emailed to the Greek clinic - and then I guess we see what happens from there.
The clinic quoted me a cost of 5500 Euro for what they call "embryo donation IVF". It's a little different from typical embryo donation, in that we get to pick the donors, and the egg donor's cycle is synced with mine, and the transfer is done with fresh, never-frozen embryos. I did ask them if they'd clarify for me whether their 70% success rate is per-embryo (meaning that 70% of the individual embryos they transfer turn into pregnancies) or whether it's per-patient (70% of the women who receive transfers, which may include more than one embryo at a time, get pregnant.) I think it's per-embryo, based on the way the info is presented on their website, but it would be nice to confirm.
I also asked them to confirm that the 5500 is really the whole complete cost. It equates to just under $7000 USD, which seems like an INSANELY low amount for a fresh egg donor, sperm donor, all the donor's meds and monitoring, anesthesia and retrieval, fertilization, incubation, embryo transfer (into me), freezing of leftover embryos, AND a year's worth of embryo storage. I do know that they may need me on some meds here... probably at least birth control and then a trigger shot, and those will come out of my pocket too... but holy cow that seems like such a deal. I need them to confirm that there isn't some hidden cost somewhere that they aren't telling me about. :P
I'm going in on Saturday to close on my HELOC loan, and then the funds should be available about two weeks after that. I'll use part of them to pay off the remaining TTC balance on my credit card, and then the rest are earmarked for the Greek trip.
I'm encouraged at how helpful my RE's office has been so far -- I was worried they might be upset that I'm not continuing treatment with them at this point, but so far they've been nothing but nice about it. We are on their embryo adoption list, so I did tell the nurse that if an embryo becomes available before we go to Greece, we'll do that instead... but we're a lot farther down on the list and there are a lot of folks who have been waiting a lot longer than us for one, and I don't want to cut in line.
So that's that, I guess. Get the tests on Thursday, send them off to Embio, and see how this plays out.
Still trying to decide between putting back two embryos or just one...
So, I called my RE, let them know that AF has shown again, and made an appointment for this Thursday for what has pretty much become the routine - ultrasound and bloodwork. Once I get the test results they get emailed to the Greek clinic - and then I guess we see what happens from there.
The clinic quoted me a cost of 5500 Euro for what they call "embryo donation IVF". It's a little different from typical embryo donation, in that we get to pick the donors, and the egg donor's cycle is synced with mine, and the transfer is done with fresh, never-frozen embryos. I did ask them if they'd clarify for me whether their 70% success rate is per-embryo (meaning that 70% of the individual embryos they transfer turn into pregnancies) or whether it's per-patient (70% of the women who receive transfers, which may include more than one embryo at a time, get pregnant.) I think it's per-embryo, based on the way the info is presented on their website, but it would be nice to confirm.
I also asked them to confirm that the 5500 is really the whole complete cost. It equates to just under $7000 USD, which seems like an INSANELY low amount for a fresh egg donor, sperm donor, all the donor's meds and monitoring, anesthesia and retrieval, fertilization, incubation, embryo transfer (into me), freezing of leftover embryos, AND a year's worth of embryo storage. I do know that they may need me on some meds here... probably at least birth control and then a trigger shot, and those will come out of my pocket too... but holy cow that seems like such a deal. I need them to confirm that there isn't some hidden cost somewhere that they aren't telling me about. :P
I'm going in on Saturday to close on my HELOC loan, and then the funds should be available about two weeks after that. I'll use part of them to pay off the remaining TTC balance on my credit card, and then the rest are earmarked for the Greek trip.
I'm encouraged at how helpful my RE's office has been so far -- I was worried they might be upset that I'm not continuing treatment with them at this point, but so far they've been nothing but nice about it. We are on their embryo adoption list, so I did tell the nurse that if an embryo becomes available before we go to Greece, we'll do that instead... but we're a lot farther down on the list and there are a lot of folks who have been waiting a lot longer than us for one, and I don't want to cut in line.
So that's that, I guess. Get the tests on Thursday, send them off to Embio, and see how this plays out.
Still trying to decide between putting back two embryos or just one...
Monday, October 13, 2014
BFN #6
AF showed up yesterday, making it BFN#6 for the year. And we've now used up all our vials of swimmers. I'm not pleased with how this last cycle went. Between my work situation being so stressful I could barely eat or sleep throughout the injections, to asking the doctor to run an ovulation test on my blood sample because I was SURE I was ovulating early (and lo and behold, I was right), to having the IUI done two days after the positive ovulation test (when I pretty much always ovulate within 12-24 hours of a smiley)... I wasn't holding out much hope for this one. And sure enough, just 9DPI, AF showed up again. Cycle's the most expensive one yet - somewhere around $4000 - and it was a complete bust.
I'm so tired of throwing money at this and ending up with no results. I'm so tired of being poked with needles, and probed with scanners, and being crazy hormonal all the time, and having cycle after cycle where we don't even get to make an attempt because my body's not cooperating. Having a baby is supposed to be a delight. It's supposed to be something that happens out of love and joy and pleasure. And this is getting ridiculous.
So that's it. I am DONE pussyfooting around. I emailed the Greek clinic today to find out how to get the process started, and I was approved by my bank for a Home Equity Line of Credit that's going to front me the money to pay for an overseas donor embryo cycle. I think the process is going to end up looking something like this:
-Greek clinic emails and requests information and doctor tests.
-I have tests done, send results and info to the clinic
-Greek clinic sends donor lists. Kaitlin and I look them over and send our choices back.
-Greek clinic contacts our chosen egg donors, and we figure out which one is available and willing.
-Egg donor begins her cycle at the Greek clinic; goes on meds.
-I have my clinic here monitor me and put me on any meds needed to sync my cycle with the donor's.
-Clinic lets us know what date we'll need to be there for a transfer; I buy plane and hotel tickets and make arrangements with work to take the time off.
-Egg donor goes in for her retrieval, while we arrive in Greece.
-We spend 9-10 days exploring Athens and nearby islands.
-We go to the clinic and have the transfer. Still debating between 1 and 2 embryos. My little voice of reason says that 1 is the wisest choice, since their success rates are 70%. But my little voice of impatience is stamping her feet in the background, so we'll see...
-I spend the next couple days on bedrest (This isn't a requirement, from what I understand, but it sure couldn't hurt.)
-We get back to the States and I return to work.
-We find out in a couple of weeks if I am pregnant. If not, we gear up for one second round, using any frozen leftover embryos from the first cycle. That one will cost us about $4000 or so, as it will be a short trip.
We'll have an adopted embryo, meaning that the baby won't have a genetic link to either of us... but on the plus side, he/she will be something of a "designer" baby since we get to pick both the donors. So we will still be creating someone utterly unique, and just for us... and I'll still get to experience pregnancy and make sure I'm giving the kiddo the healthiest possible start to life.
So that's the plan now. And my brain is rushing into full-on planning mode. While I'm really frustrated and sad that all the attempts we've made thus far haven't panned out (we could have already done a Greek cycle for the money I've paid out so far this year) it's nice to feel like maybe we have the opportunity for greater momentum than we've seen all year.
I'm not giving up on my OLW for this year - CONCIEVE. There's still some time for that, right?
In the meantime, working on my next book and waiting for the edits to come back on the second Ithyria book. Daydreaming about how nice it would be to be able to be a full-time author, and knowing I'll never pay off the debt I'm about to leap into if I did that. Pfft.
I'm so tired of throwing money at this and ending up with no results. I'm so tired of being poked with needles, and probed with scanners, and being crazy hormonal all the time, and having cycle after cycle where we don't even get to make an attempt because my body's not cooperating. Having a baby is supposed to be a delight. It's supposed to be something that happens out of love and joy and pleasure. And this is getting ridiculous.
So that's it. I am DONE pussyfooting around. I emailed the Greek clinic today to find out how to get the process started, and I was approved by my bank for a Home Equity Line of Credit that's going to front me the money to pay for an overseas donor embryo cycle. I think the process is going to end up looking something like this:
-Greek clinic emails and requests information and doctor tests.
-I have tests done, send results and info to the clinic
-Greek clinic sends donor lists. Kaitlin and I look them over and send our choices back.
-Greek clinic contacts our chosen egg donors, and we figure out which one is available and willing.
-Egg donor begins her cycle at the Greek clinic; goes on meds.
-I have my clinic here monitor me and put me on any meds needed to sync my cycle with the donor's.
-Clinic lets us know what date we'll need to be there for a transfer; I buy plane and hotel tickets and make arrangements with work to take the time off.
-Egg donor goes in for her retrieval, while we arrive in Greece.
-We spend 9-10 days exploring Athens and nearby islands.
-We go to the clinic and have the transfer. Still debating between 1 and 2 embryos. My little voice of reason says that 1 is the wisest choice, since their success rates are 70%. But my little voice of impatience is stamping her feet in the background, so we'll see...
-I spend the next couple days on bedrest (This isn't a requirement, from what I understand, but it sure couldn't hurt.)
-We get back to the States and I return to work.
-We find out in a couple of weeks if I am pregnant. If not, we gear up for one second round, using any frozen leftover embryos from the first cycle. That one will cost us about $4000 or so, as it will be a short trip.
We'll have an adopted embryo, meaning that the baby won't have a genetic link to either of us... but on the plus side, he/she will be something of a "designer" baby since we get to pick both the donors. So we will still be creating someone utterly unique, and just for us... and I'll still get to experience pregnancy and make sure I'm giving the kiddo the healthiest possible start to life.
So that's the plan now. And my brain is rushing into full-on planning mode. While I'm really frustrated and sad that all the attempts we've made thus far haven't panned out (we could have already done a Greek cycle for the money I've paid out so far this year) it's nice to feel like maybe we have the opportunity for greater momentum than we've seen all year.
I'm not giving up on my OLW for this year - CONCIEVE. There's still some time for that, right?
In the meantime, working on my next book and waiting for the edits to come back on the second Ithyria book. Daydreaming about how nice it would be to be able to be a full-time author, and knowing I'll never pay off the debt I'm about to leap into if I did that. Pfft.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
IUI#3 CD18 7DPI – Stepping It Up
We had an appointment with Dr. Trout this morning to talk
about our progress. She let us know that basically, if we don’t get pregnant
after three Clomid IUI attempts, the chances that subsequent attempts will work
are substantially reduced. So she is recommending that if this cycle is a BFN, we
try three injectable cycles (as opposed to the clomid) to see if we have better
luck.
She agreed that my fertility is really more on par with
someone 41-42 years old, which I think is why she’s willing to be aggressive
with the treatment. Given that fact, she’d like to see 3 – 4 developed eggs per
cycle under the injectable treatment. She believes even with that many, the
chance of twins is pretty low.
The bummer is that my insurance won’t cover the cost of the
injectable meds, and they’re super expensive. She had her nurses get me a form
to apply for a discount on the drugs, but my guess is that the company’s not
likely to cut me much of a break. And, she doesn’t want me ordering the drugs
from overseas… she doesn’t believe the overseas ones are reliable. From what I
can find on the internet, Walgreens charges about $250 per 300iu of Follistim.
If that’s accurate it may actually not be that much more expensive than the
ones I could order from overseas… but it could still be up to $750 per cycle if
I need a lot of it. And, I’ll still need the $80 Ovidrel trigger injections (unless
my body will play nice and ovulate on its own. :P)
Also, injectables mean I’ll have to have a shot every day, I think maybe twice a day, for at least a
couple of weeks. Ugh. At least the injections are done with a tiny needle. But,
we only have one vial of swimmers left after this cycle. Injectables also mean
ultrasound visits every 3-4 days until we’re ready to trigger, bringing the
cost of a June cycle to around $1350. If
that one is also a BFN, we’ll be looking at $819 for two more vials of swimmers
in addition to the other monthly costs, so that makes a July and August cycle
about $1767 each.
If three injectable attempts fail, then we have to see what
Dr. Trout recommends in terms of IVF. She actually said today that because of
how expensive IVF is, she won’t recommend it for us if she doesn’t think we’d
have an okay chance of success with my eggs. I told her if it comes to that,
one of the options I’m seriously considering is overseas donor egg IVF, because
it would be about 5000 Euro at the Embio clinic in Athens ($6800) whereas it
would be closer to $20,000 here. She wasn’t too excited about the idea, though
she said she’s never worked with a patient who went to Athens before… she’s
seen some disastrous results from folks who went to Romania and Hungary,
though. She did say she would help do blood tests the Greek clinic might need.
I also asked if she’d be willing to review the clinic and materials they send
and give me her thoughts on their reliability/safety/expertise, and she said
she would.
The other option we talked about was the possibility of
donated embryos. That would have a price tag of around $5000, but the waiting
list is 1-2 years long unless there are available embryos that those at the top
of the list don’t want… she said she had a couple of Chinese embryos that went
almost to the bottom of the list before finding takers. I told her if she has
that again to just call me… I would happily take them. :P But anyway, she made
a note on our file to have us added to their adoption waiting list, just in
case.
So I guess now the plan is this: If we get a BFN this cycle,
we move on to three injectable IUI cycles. If we don’t get a BFP from those,
then I’ll spend a couple of months paying off the cycles, and we’ll gear up for
one great big donor egg attempt in Greece – the overall cost of which will be
around $6800 (procedure and egg) + $680(swimmers) + $500(estimated meds) +
$3000(flight and hotel) = $11,000. That’s basically going to be a last-ditch
attempt. Their success rates are so high with donor eggs (70%) that I’ll have
to decide whether to have them put back two or three embryos.
If, in the meantime, a donated embryo were to come our way,
we’d likely try that before the Greek trip.
So we’re going to have to buckle up and start really watching
our pennies now, because this is about to start getting really expensive.
*sigh* Still hoping against hope that we might get super lucky and end up with
a BFP this cycle…?
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