8WK6D - Third Ultrasound

So very happy to report that we had our first OB/GYN ultrasound this morning and it went perfectly. I was pretty nervous this morning, after the spotting issues earlier this week and the fact that yesterday I had barely any nausea, and last night I didn't get up to use the bathroom even once, so naturally was starting to sweat just a teensy bit that we'd go in there and they wouldn't find a heartbeat.

But no, baby shrimp is still going strong - 23mm now, and heartbeat at 174 bpm - still measuring one day ahead. We got to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and that was amazing. Kaitlin took a video of the whump-whump-whumping, so once she sends it to me I'll post it here. Baby looks like a gummi bear now, and as soon as Kaitlin heard that she pulled up a Youtube of the Gummi Bears theme song and made me listen to it, LOL.

They weighed me and did a pap smear and a breast exam and drew blood. We talked to the doctor and I got the green light to color my hair, exercise, and take ambien when I need to. She suggested that I take some Vitamin B6 and/or Unisom for the nausea, though I think I'll probably skip the Unisom because it doesn't help me sleep and I won't mix it with Ambien. She was comfortingly sympathetic about my poor bruised tummy after all the heparin shots, but she didn't try to interfere with the Greek clinic's medication plan.

She also asked if we wanted to do the Harmony chromosomal screening test (the free-cell DNA blood test I was hoping for) and we said definitely yes. She believes my insurance will cover it because of my age, which is even better, and that means that we'll know the baby's sex by the end of the first trimester... really excited!!!! Though, Kaitlin made me promise not to tell anybody until we can do a combined baby shower/gender reveal party in Januaryish. Such a loooooong time to wait, LOL...

So we will have the nuchal translucency ultrasound done in three more weeks, on 9/24, along with the blood draw for the Harmony test. And then no more (doctor) ultrasounds until 20 weeks. But Kaitlin and I are probably going to go to the little 3D/4D ultrasound spa place in Denver at 16 weeks for a gender scan, and probably at least once more a little later into the pregnancy for another peek.

She looked at us a little funny when I asked her if she could recommend a lactation consultant with experience inducing lactation in non-gestational moms. I don't think she'd ever heard of induction before. She suggested we call the hospital, but I may do some googling instead, because I'd really like to find somebody experienced. I may also need to buy the breast pump really early... my insurance is supposed to cover the purchase of one, but I don't know how to go about that, exactly, so that's another thing I'll have to figure out in the next few weeks.

Anyway, they gave us this little gift bag of goodies, including some prenatal vitamin samples and a water bottle with their office logo on it... and overall the whole experience was just a hundred million times better than our first traumatic visit to their office during the miscarriage, so we both left beaming. <3 I don't think our next appointment will be nearly as scary, though I'll admit I'll breathe a lot easier once we're past the first trimester.

I'm also grateful to have had a good day yesterday in terms of nausea, and it's been relatively mild today too... I'll take it! Going to try and take the opportunity to drink as much water as I can, because it's so hard to deal with water in my stomach on the not-so-good days, and the doc emphasized strongly that drinking 8 - 10 glasses a day was vital to a healthy pregnancy. She said in later trimesters dehydration can even result in early contractions... eck. So water it is, whether it makes me feel sick or not. Gotta keep our little shrimp growing!

She also recommends that I gain between 25-35 pounds, though she said most of her patients tend to gain a little more than that, but she thinks that's all that's really necessary. I was glad to hear that, because my plan is basically just to eat healthy, and eat when I'm hungry, and eat things I am craving, but not use pregnancy as a license to pig out irresponsibly. I just don't think that would be good for either baby or me... and I certainly don't want to have any more of an uphill battle, after birth, than is really necessary to get back into shape.

Let's see, what else... she said my cervix length is 4.2 (inches? I think?) and that it looked good, when it gets down under 2 they get concerned and will usually put a stitch in, but they don't think I'll need it.

And that was really it for the first appointment. Lots of information, but the most important part is that baby is still going strong and we are still on the path to becoming mommies. <3 Life is really, really good.

5WK6D – Still Hanging In There

So the spotting was almost gone yesterday morning, and I haven’t had any today. Four more days to go until the ultrasound! I swear this has been the longest week of my entire life, and I really, really can’t wait to get a glimpse of what’s actually happening inside.

Yesterday I was hit with strong fatigue, just a tiny bit of nausea. So far today, though, my energy levels have been pretty good, moodiness is gone – feeling much more upbeat and optimistic. It could have something to do with my dreams last night, in which we brought home a baby boy and I was learning to diaper him for the first time (and he projectile-pooped across the room into a bookcase, which Kaitlin thought was horrible and I thought was hilarious.) It was a pretty vivid and very nice dream, and I guess I woke up feeling certain that this baby’s going to be joining our family.

I am still having major blood pressure issues, especially at home where we don’t have air conditioning, and especially when I stand up fast or remain standing for more than about a minute while I’m trying to clean the kitchen or wipe counters or whatever. I get dizzy, have tunnel vision and my ears start ringing. Luckily I’ve passed out enough times from my low blood pressure issues that I know what it feels like and what the threshold is, so I basically just stop and bend over or sit down when it’s getting to the I’m-going-to-keel-over phase.

I realized last night that if we hadn’t lost our baby in January, I’d be around eight months pregnant now. I imagine the blood pressure issues would probably be one heck of a lot worse if I were hugely pregnant during the hottest part of the year. Mind you, I am still really sad that we didn’t get to keep our January baby. But… I guess there’s a silver lining to every cloud, yeah?

I took my third “extra” dose of progesterone last night. Since the spotting appears to be clearing up, I’m going to go back to my regular dosage today and keep fingers crossed. Still planning on spending the weekend mostly loafing, though I might dare a little bit of sweeping or kitchen cleaning if I have the energy… we’ll see.

I am getting increasingly certain that I am starting a baby bump already. I’ve apparently gained around a pound or so in the last couple of weeks, and it seems like things are rearranging themselves into my belly – it hangs lower and folds down over my pubic bone in a way that it never did before, and it just feels bloatier and more sticking-out-there. I haven’t been eating more than usual… if anything I’ve actually been eating healthier. But I have spent weeks avoiding  any sort of meaningful physical activity, so I wonder if that has something to do with it? I also haven’t been using my abs to walk, sit up straight, and so on like I usually do. But I googled it and there are a lot of ladies with pictures of 6-week baby bumps, so I am going to assume that’s what it is. I guess I’ll just have to get over it, since it will be getting a lot “worse” before it gets better. :P But it does make me determined to start exercising as soon as it’s safe, and to come up with a good plan to get my body back into nice condition after baby arrives – I already can’t wear my usual pants to work, they’re too tight and uncomfortable!

Four more days and counting…

5WK3D – Knocking on Wood

So I spotted almost all day Friday and Saturday. It wasn’t a lot – mostly light brown, didn’t even reach my undies – but it was certainly enough to keep me on edge and anxious and maybe even a little depressed. Especially since Friday night we had a family dinner with my (now 20-weeks-along) pregnant SIL, and my mom really wanted to know how I was doing and I had to tell her we just didn’t know.

Saturday was Kaitlin’s unbirthday. I bought her the supplies to change the oil in her motorcycle, since that’s what she said she wanted for a present. So we spent the morning at Harley-Davidson and made another stop by a hardware store, then went to the Melting Pot for a fondue lunch. Came home and I loafed on the couch while she changed her oil, then we went to a movie and dinner. It was a nice day, but the spotting kept me pretty tense and it was hard to concentrate on much of anything else. I felt kind of bad since I know I wasn’t really *there* for Kaitlin for her unbirthday like I wanted to be. Hopefully I can make it up to her a little bit on her real birthday in December. At that point I’ll be 20-ish weeks along myself, and probably feeling a lot more confident.

Luckily when I woke up Sunday morning, the spotting was gone. I still planted my butt on the couch and did nothing, even though the floors need sweeping so badly and the kitchen needs cleaning and there’s about a million things around the house that need taking care of…  None of them are worth losing this pregnancy. So I sat, and tried not to get up and move around very much except to get food and go to the bathroom.

And there is still, knock on wood, no spotting going on. Today we are exactly one week away from our first ultrasound, so I’m going to be spending this week taking it very very easy. I think, if we can see a heartbeat on the ultrasound, it will finally feel like it’s okay to breathe again. Also, this morning I got an email back from my Greek coordinator – even though she’s on vacation and preparing for her wedding – with some instructions on how I can increase my progesterone dosage if the spotting continues. It was like a magic wand that really did make me feel a lot better. Something I can do! A way I can try and fight back!! A teeny bit of semi-empowerment in this situation that I have so little control of. 

My body doesn’t like all this sitting around, though. I want to at least go do walks or something, and probably will – little bitty short ones – once we get a heartbeat confirmed. While my feelings of being down in the dumps have brightened considerably  in the past two days, it’s hard to stay upbeat if I’m slouching around for too long. I’d like to at least get to a place where I can do some chores around the house without worrying.

I feel a little frustrated at being so tense right now. I want to revel in each and every week of the pregnancy experience, since this is the only time I’m ever going to do it. But I feel like the residual terror from our first miscarriage has spoiled it a little. I’m hoping that maybe, after the ultrasound, I’ll be able to relax and enjoy it a little more.

Otherwise, there are very few pregnancy symptoms to report. Boobs mostly sore at night, before I go to bed. Little bouts of fatigue that come and go, same thing with the nausea. All sorts of odd tugging/twinging/twanging feelings in my belly, that could be pregnancy-related, gas, or digestion. Oh, and I find myself continually unbuttoning my pants, because they feel so tight. I know I can’t get a bump this early – but I tend to put on weight in my belly first, and it’s already got a good 15 more pounds to it than it did when we started this whole TTC thing. My weight on the scale hasn’t changed a bit in the last few weeks, but I feel like maybe the weight’s rearranging itself in my tummy area now. :P Hey, at least I can tell myself it’s the baby bump now, LOL!

In the meantime, hoping for a nice quiet week at work and at home. Going to maybe try to sleep through as much of it as I can in order to make it go by faster. :P

IVF#3 CD5 - This Will Be Our Month

I've been avoiding blogging much lately. It's too easy, when I'm actively blogging, to be reminded of all the unfulfilled hope we've encountered so far... too easy to focus on unknowns and start angsting. I've been trying something different this time around, and every time an "is this round going to fail too" thought comes into my head, I've been repeating "this one will work, this one will work.". To the point where I kind of actually believe it.

The odds are way, way in our favor at this point. Our clinic has a 70% success rate - it worked the first time, but we miscarried. It didn't work the second time. Statistics say this should be the one. And things this round are going a lot more similarly to our first round, where we got SO close. For the second round I was on Lupron for ages before finally getting permission to start the estrogen. But this time, I've only been on it for eleven days, and they're having me start estrace today. I just have a better feeling about it, overall.

So here's a sum-up since my last post: We started Lupron on the 21st. Compared to the heparin shots, the lupron is actually pretty painless (in spite of my ongoing fear of needles.) My period started on the 28th, later than I expected. I had an ultrasound on the 30th (CD3) and my lining is just over 5mm. The doctor in Greece says that's good, so as of today I start the estrogen regimen - one pill for two days, two pills for two days, three pills for three days, and then four pills until transfer - usually another 4-5 days out. I have to go in for another ultrasound on 7/8, next Wednesday.

Though they don't have exact travel dates yet, that puts us in Greece around the second/third week of July -- that's in two weeks! And I just keep telling myself that we're going to Greece to pick up our babies and bring them home. That this one is going to be our month. Due date would be in April - I like that.

I went to the baby shower that I was nervous about. I think the best way to describe how I felt being there was happy and wistful. I did get to hold the tiny baby, who was so sweet and precious, and my friend asked whether we were going to be trying for a baby soon. I managed not to launch a huge me-me-me conversation (I think) so yay for that. :P And other than twinges of envy over the cute nursery and precious baby, I was actually pretty darn okay - happy to be there, to get to hold the baby and share in my friends' joy for their newborn. I had a good time AND my friend even suggested, when she handed me her baby to hold for a little bit, that he would be a good luck charm for us. ♥ Here's hoping!

We've been saving HARD and will have just JUST enough for this third attempt without having to float much on a credit card, I think. I've decided that if my intuition is wrong and this isn't it for us either, I'll be spending the next six months or so, while we save up for another go, on SlimFast and the Couch to 5K program, to try and drop the 15 pounds or so that I've gained over the last two years from all the meds. I know I'll feel better, overall, if I can get my body back into shape during the break - the weight gain certainly hasn't helped when it comes to the frustrations of this whole process.

In the meantime, though, my name change has been submitted at work and I'm just waiting for a new email, new network login, etc. so I can announce it to pretty much everybody and start using it. I won't change it on my passport, bank account or credit cards until after we get  back from Greece, though, since I don't want there to be any issues while we're traveling.

And of course I can't not mention that last Friday, 6/26/15, the Supreme Court mandated that all of the United States MUST allow same-sex couples to marry. Colorado has already been issuing licenses for about six months, but this is just huge. Our plan was always to elope after I got pregnant, and after the baby was born spend a little time saving up (and I could get back into wedding-dress shape) so we could throw a wedding. But if this next round doesn't work, I think we'll probably talk about doing the elopement anyway - it won't be nearly as expensive, I don't think, if we don't travel out of state for it. And then Kaitlin can change her name too ^~ Not to mention the medical benefits!

It's good to have a contingency plan. But for now I'm going to keep chanting it: This Will Be Our Month. This Will Be Our Month. I even wrote it on a bit of paper and taped it to my computer monitor at work ...

Killing time

Today feels like the most normal day I've had in a long time. Bleeding's gone. Itching is getting better. Back to only peeing a couple times a day. Work is back into its regular swing of being utterly overwhelming and trying to focus on accomplishing one thing at a time, one meeting at a time, one email at a time. Last night was a typical work night - come home, eat some food, watch some TV, go to bed, feel like I didn't have nearly enough time to unwind.

As if I never was pregnant at all. As if none of this ever happened.

Which, right now, feels better than grief -- even if it's not happiness.

I think one of the things that's so frustrating about TTC is that there's so little I can do on a daily basis to bring myself closer to the goal, other than taking a prenatal vitamin, trying to remain in good health, trying to forgo buying anything I don't absolutely need and... well, that's it. Wait for AF. The bleeding only just stopped, and it will be weeks before it comes again, and even when it comes, it won't mean anything. We won't be doing anything with it, just letting it pass by and waiting for it to come a second time. My hope, though, is that when it comes that second time we can start our meds again, make travel plans, get ultrasounds and gear up for our next try.

So I'm trying to think of things I could or ought to do in the meantime. One of them is physical exercise. I've done pretty much nothing except the occasional week or two of walking on my lunch break. And even that dropped off pretty quickly. I need to make exercise a regular part of my day, I do, and now that I'm not pregnant and have to wait a while before I can try again now would be the time to do it. So I'm going to start today, by going for a walk around the building on lunch. (I can walk indoors at work by making a bunch of rounds through the courthouse; up the stairs, walk to one end, down the stairs, walk to the other end, back up again, etc.) It will feel a little like I'm at least doing *something*. Plus, this last year of TTC has done a number on my body, and I'm so out of shape it makes me cringe.

What I need, though, is to see if I can get the book we're supposed to be reading for my work's leadership book club in audio form. Then I can walk and listen to it at the same time, thereby being efficient. :P

The other things I really need to do include getting my house clean - all our Christmas stuff packed up - and getting our garage cleaned out. My poor little car could also really use a good cleaning. And, I'd like to revisit all the stuff I had planned for my upcoming book release. I really shouldn't let it sit by the wayside, no matter how depressed I am. A book birthday pretty much only comes along once in a book's lifetime and it would be stupid to waste it wallowing in self-pity.

Going to try not to do too much too fast, though. One thing at a time. One day at a time. Have to try and keep the days busy so that they pass faster. So that AF comes sooner. It's my choice, really, whether these days and weeks fly by or whether they drag... and the key is to keep them full of stuff to do. So that's what I'll work on, starting today. At least it will make me feel like I'm doing something to get me closer to the goal, even if it's just waiting it out.

IUI#2 CD28 14DPI - BFN on the horizon, sigh

Negative test last night, another negative this morning. No sign of AF, but that's not surprising given the progesterone. I called this morning and made an appointment for Thursday morning, to have a blood test done. Not optimistic at this point, but at least it will confirm that I can stop taking the progesterone so AF will show up again. IUI#3, here we come!

In the meantime, I did manage to go walking for 30 minutes at lunch both yesterday and today. I also managed to eat only my dinner last night, without all the late night snacking I usually do. And, I'm trying to commit to drinking more water throughout the day... in the hopes that it will improve my overall health AND fertility for the next round.

This afternoon I have to meet up with my family after work and have a group dinner. There are three birthdays and Mother's Day that we're sort of wrapping up into one thing... I'm thinking about buying flowers for my mom, my aunt and my brother's girlfriend, and then buying something tongue-in-cheek manly for my brother - not sure what, though. A bouquet of food or something. :P Guess we'll see what's available...

IUI#1 CD1 – Let’s Get This Party Started

AF showed up last night at around 6:30 PM. I still hadn’t heard the results of my bloodwork, so I called the doctor’s office this morning and here are the goods:

I’m negative for all the bad STD bugs (yay) and have immunity to chicken pox and rubella (yay). I am also CMV+ (yay) so I can use our donor without any worries. But, my AMH is 0.74, which indicates a diminished number of eggs available. I looked around online and it looks like that number is about average for a 40-year-old woman; my mom went through menopause early so I'm not necessarily surprised, but it does mean I really need to get a move on this conception thing before it's too late. The doctor scheduled me for a CD3 blood test to check my FSH. The nurse said that just because my AMH is low, that doesn’t mean necessarily that I’ll have a harder time getting pregnant. Some women have low AMH but a high FSH (egg quality).  So I’m going in on Friday morning at 8 AM to have the FSH test done. They’ll have the results same-day, so if the doctor decides after looking at my FSH to put me on meds, I’ll have to go pick up the meds that day and start them, because Clomid is taken starting CD3. According to the RE office, if AF starts after 5 PM, the next day is considered CD1. So I updated my Fertility Friend chart to reflect that, so I can track the cycle the way the doctor's office will.

Kaitlin and I also have to meet with with a counselor named Barb Hyatt prior to any IUI scheduling. Apparently we are required to meet with her because we're using donor swimmers. We have an appointment next Tuesday at 4:30 - that's going to be a $200 session. So both of us will have to go into work super early that day so that we can leave early for the appointment. I have paid time off from work but Kaitlin doesn't, so she needs to make sure she gets in her full eight hours that day or she'll miss out on some pay.

I logged into the cryobank site this morning and had the swimmers shipped to the doctor's office... they should ship out today and probably arrive Friday afternoon, so when I call to get my blood test results that afternoon I'll also check to see that they received the dewar.  I let my boss know I'll be in late Friday, and will work later to make up the time. 

On a non-TTC note, I have been having the best conversations with my boss lately. We went through a really miserable period in 2012 where it felt that nothing I did would satisfy her, and I was certain she was trying to get me to quit or build a case to fire me. In 2013 my New Year's resolution was to find a new job. Yet things gradually improved throughout the year, and I found out yesterday that she recommended me for the maximum salary increase (3%) for this year! All of our dialogue lately has been so positive and felt so synergistic, like we're functioning as a team. It's been awesome and there are no words to explain just how much this has improved my quality of life, my mental health, my sense of security and confidence. Funny how a change in just one relationship can have such a huge impact on one's entire life. 

Anyway, we’re really moving on our TTC plans now!! If all goes well, our IUI should take place sometime close to next weekend. And we’d be able to find out if we’re pregnant sometime in the first week of February, but shouldn’t be any later than February 8^th or so.

Oh my gosh I am excited. Fingers crossed sooo much!!

I also spent 30 minutes of my lunch break walking circuits through the halls and up and down the stairs of my work building. I really need to do that every day. I don't get enough physical activity during the day - my thigh muscles are twitching now - and it's important, especially if I want to have a more comfortable pregnancy and an easier time losing the baby weight after giving birth. And, I really need to start buying groceries for lunches rather than going out to eat, so I can save the money for TTC costs. So today, 30 minutes of walking, followed by a Campbell's soup and a tuna salad/cracker kit for lunch.

Kaitlin and I are subscribed to Emeals, but we don't stick to it faithfully and end up eating out or eating junk way too often. So that's the other thing... we need to faithfully stick to an Emeals schedule every week and cook at home. And I need some tupperware I can use to pack up leftovers for lunches, or for Kaitlin to take to work for her dinners when she doesn't plan on coming home after work (she often goes to fencing practice or games with friends first.) New Emeals plans come out every Wednesday, so I ought to just make Wednesday my grocery shopping day, after work. I guess that means I'm going to the grocery store when I get off today...