So I spotted almost all day Friday and Saturday. It wasn’t a
lot – mostly light brown, didn’t even reach my undies – but it was certainly
enough to keep me on edge and anxious and maybe even a little depressed.
Especially since Friday night we had a family dinner with my (now
20-weeks-along) pregnant SIL, and my mom really wanted to know how I was doing
and I had to tell her we just didn’t know.
Saturday was Kaitlin’s unbirthday. I bought her the supplies
to change the oil in her motorcycle, since that’s what she said she wanted for
a present. So we spent the morning at Harley-Davidson and made another stop by
a hardware store, then went to the Melting Pot for a fondue lunch. Came home
and I loafed on the couch while she changed her oil, then we went to a movie
and dinner. It was a nice day, but the spotting kept me pretty tense and it was
hard to concentrate on much of anything else. I felt kind of bad since I know I
wasn’t really *there* for Kaitlin for her unbirthday like I wanted to be.
Hopefully I can make it up to her a little bit on her real birthday in
December. At that point I’ll be 20-ish weeks along myself, and probably feeling
a lot more confident.
Luckily when I woke up Sunday morning, the spotting was
gone. I still planted my butt on the couch and did nothing, even though the
floors need sweeping so badly and the kitchen needs cleaning and there’s about
a million things around the house that need taking care of… None of them are worth losing this pregnancy.
So I sat, and tried not to get up and move around very much except to get food
and go to the bathroom.
And there is still, knock on wood, no spotting going on.
Today we are exactly one week away from our first ultrasound, so I’m going to
be spending this week taking it very very easy. I think, if we can see a
heartbeat on the ultrasound, it will finally feel like it’s okay to breathe
again. Also, this morning I got an email back from my Greek coordinator – even though
she’s on vacation and preparing for her wedding – with some instructions on how
I can increase my progesterone dosage if the spotting continues. It was like a
magic wand that really did make me feel a lot better. Something I can do! A way
I can try and fight back!! A teeny bit of semi-empowerment in this situation
that I have so little control of.
My body doesn’t like all this sitting around, though. I want
to at least go do walks or something, and probably will – little bitty short
ones – once we get a heartbeat confirmed. While my feelings of being down in
the dumps have brightened considerably
in the past two days, it’s hard to stay upbeat if I’m slouching around
for too long. I’d like to at least get to a place where I can do some chores
around the house without worrying.
I feel a little frustrated at being so tense right now. I want
to revel in each and every week of the pregnancy experience, since this is the
only time I’m ever going to do it. But I feel like the residual terror from our
first miscarriage has spoiled it a little. I’m hoping that maybe, after the
ultrasound, I’ll be able to relax and enjoy it a little more.
Otherwise, there are very few pregnancy symptoms to report.
Boobs mostly sore at night, before I go to bed. Little bouts of fatigue that
come and go, same thing with the nausea. All sorts of odd
tugging/twinging/twanging feelings in my belly, that could be
pregnancy-related, gas, or digestion. Oh, and I find myself continually
unbuttoning my pants, because they feel so tight. I know I can’t get a bump
this early – but I tend to put on weight in my belly first, and it’s already
got a good 15 more pounds to it than it did when we started this whole TTC thing.
My weight on the scale hasn’t changed a bit in the last few weeks, but I feel
like maybe the weight’s rearranging itself in my tummy area now. :P Hey, at
least I can tell myself it’s the baby bump now, LOL!
In the meantime, hoping for a nice quiet week at work and at
home. Going to maybe try to sleep through as much of it as I can in order to
make it go by faster. :P
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