5WK4D – I Guess I’ll Go Eat Worms

So yesterday, just as I was leaving work to come home, I went to the bathroom and found that the spotting had returned.  Still dark brown, still little enough to call spotting, but UGH!!!!

So I drove home, got into bed, had Kaitlin make dinner for me, and pretty much did not get out of bed until I had to get up for work this morning. I took an extra 100mg of progesterone last night, too, per our Greek coordinator’s instructions.  I’m still spotting today, and thankful that it’s staying dark brown and light in quantity, but ohhhhh, I really don’t want to be at work right now. Trying to prop my feet up when I can and make it through the day.

I’m tired, and lightly nauseous, and breasts were very sore last night. But this is the most awful waiting-week ever, so much worse than the usual TWW. It occurred to me that even our ultrasound next week, which right now I am clinging to anxiously, isn’t going to “fix” anything. It will give us some more information on what’s going on, but it’s not going to have any actual effect on the outcome one way or the other, any more than a pregnancy test does.  It’s just a way of finding out more. But what will be is going to be, regardless of whether we know about it as it happens or not.

Trying to find some measure of zen in all of this, but it’s really hard. I still have the gut feeling that  things are going to be okay this time, but it’s not easy to tune out the naysaying spots on the toilet paper.  And in the meantime, I am feeling a lack of energy, a lot of frustration – not just about the spotting but that I can’t keep up with the house when I really shouldn’t be walking/moving around much – and a lot of just glum, pessimistic thoughts about our capability to even be parents if one anxious week of early pregnancy makes the house this much of a mess, whether the universe intends to snatch this away like last time, etc. I guess I’ll go eat worms. :P

 (Whenever I was feeling sorry for myself as a kid my dad would always sing “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I’ll go eat worms…” I hated it. But it was, I admit, an effective way of pointing out just how whiny and ridiculously exaggerating I was being.)

The dumb thing is I really don’t have any reason to be letting my brain wander off in such self-pitying doomsday directions, because so far Dr. Google says that the type of spotting I’m experiencing is completely and utterly normal and not really anything to worry about. It’s like I have some sort of PTSD after our first loss and can’t dig my little brain out of its Eeyore-hole. Seriously. I’m automatically assuming and fearing the worst possible outcome, when a great possible outcome is equally possible. So basically, I am totally discounting the glass as half empty, because I fear unpreparedness if I choose to view it as half full and turn out to be wrong.

Which is worse… to be disappointed because I believed something good would happen and it didn’t, or to be disappointed because I believed something bad would happen and was proven right? There’s really no difference between the two, other than that the first scenario has an added layer of self-flagellation for being arrogant, foolish, blind, etc. etc. But either way, the ultimate result is the same: that I didn’t get what I wanted. And being able to say “I knew it!” doesn’t really make me feel any better.

I am also betting that a good amount of this poo-pooing is medication-induced, because I only seem to be this stubbornly negative when I’m on these crazy hormones.  I *could* be enjoying this time, focusing on how grateful I am that the spotting is still in the “safe” zone, even that spotting is a clear indicator that I’ve got a pregnancy really and truly going on in there, or that the spotting has increased my bonding with our little shrimp (he/she apparently looks a lot like a tiny shrimp at the moment) because I keep having long talks with them about all the wonderful things they should really consider sticking around for.  I *could* be floating around the office with a little secret smile, because I know I’m pregnant and nobody else does, and it’s kind of fun.

I really need to stop choosing to stare at the darkness instead of the stars, and give myself an attitude adjustment. :P