6WK3D - Ultrasound Day

I started spotting again on Saturday night, through most of Sunday. It's now about 5AM and I am lying in bed waiting for my alarm to go off, because our ultrasound is at 8 this morning. I didn't sleep very well... Too nervous. Excited, anxious, fearful... I just keep thinking over and over "please be in there, at least one strong heartbeat, please don't turn into a mess like last time, please let this be it."

My stomach aches, not sure if it's anxiety or hunger or nausea. It's been a very long couple of weeks and this is our first really meaningful glimpse into what's happening. Naturally my mind keeps running over all the things that have brought us to this point, the failed relationships, the crazy awful year at work, the doctor appointments and needles and pills and probes and plane tickets and blood and speculums and money stuff, like some kind of never-ending 80's movie musical montage. Are we about to get one more step closer to a happy ending? Or are we about to face yet another devastating plot twist?

At least we're only hours away now, instead of weeks or days. If today is good news, there's still weeks to go in which anything could still happen. But we can cross that bridge if and when we get the chance to get to it. Today first.

Not sure how I'm going to make it through the day at work after this. Hope the alarm goes off soon....


EDIT:

WE SAW A HEARTBEAT!!!!

After the longest morning EVER, getting up and getting dressed for work and making coffee and getting my little dog out of her cage and driving over to the doctor's office and waiting nervously for the ultrasound tech, we finally got just exactly precisely the results we were hoping for.

One gestational sac. One yolk sac. One fetal pole, measuring 6.33 mm (6 weeks and 3 days). And one itty bitty fluttering heartbeat at 108 bpm.

WE HAZ A BABY.  Oh my gosh oh my gosh. The ultrasound tech printed pics for us, and I took pics of them with my phone, but of course my phone is not cooperating so I won't get to post them probably until tonight when I get home. In the meantime, though, this is a short clip that Kaitlin took on her phone, trying to capture the heartbeat on video.

There really just aren't words to describe the relief, the joy, the gratitude. I know we're not out of the woods yet - there's a good 6 weeks or so more to go in this trimester where anything can still happen... but at least for today I am so very, very happy and thankful. Thankful for a heartbeat, even more thankful that there's exactly one baby in there, which was exactly what we wanted. No more pendulum stressing about what-if-it-didn't-really-work to oh-my-god-how-will-we-have-the-life-we-imagined-if-there's-multiples. We still have to be cautious about keeping the one we've got... but it couldn't be a more perfect little bean, right where it's supposed to be for this stage, and there really isn't anything more we could have asked for.

We get to go back in one week for another scan, to see how it's progressing. And then I think I'll make an 8WK3D appointment for a scan with my OBGYN... and that way I'll get one scan a week for three weeks in a row... LUCKY!! :)

Now to sit here and covertly admire my ultrasound pictures for the rest of the day at work... <3

SIX WEEKS

We made it to six weeks, and now there's no spotting at all. Feeling pretty good today - cheerful and happy, maybe a little tired and was a little bit nauseous in the car on the way to work, but otherwise, doing well. I also think I'm in a good mood simply because we hit six weeks today - only three more days to go until an ultrasound! While I'm excited we've reached the "sweet pea" stage, I think what's really going to be exciting is getting to the "blueberry" stage next week... we didn't get that far last time, so I think this will really start feeling more stable at that point. 

I also love that all our weekly milestones are going to fall on Fridays. It's just a really nice way to start a Friday, thinking about how we've made it through one more week! Our little shrimp should have a heartbeat now, though it may not be detectable for a while longer - I'm hoping that on Monday we'll get to see it.<3 

I'm going to rest this weekend as much as possible, though I will try to squeeze in getting an overdue oil change done on my car. Kaitlin's going to be off at an SCA event so it will be just me, my little dog, and a whole Hulu account filled with Korean drama - yay!

Happy Friday, everybody :)

5WK6D – Still Hanging In There

So the spotting was almost gone yesterday morning, and I haven’t had any today. Four more days to go until the ultrasound! I swear this has been the longest week of my entire life, and I really, really can’t wait to get a glimpse of what’s actually happening inside.

Yesterday I was hit with strong fatigue, just a tiny bit of nausea. So far today, though, my energy levels have been pretty good, moodiness is gone – feeling much more upbeat and optimistic. It could have something to do with my dreams last night, in which we brought home a baby boy and I was learning to diaper him for the first time (and he projectile-pooped across the room into a bookcase, which Kaitlin thought was horrible and I thought was hilarious.) It was a pretty vivid and very nice dream, and I guess I woke up feeling certain that this baby’s going to be joining our family.

I am still having major blood pressure issues, especially at home where we don’t have air conditioning, and especially when I stand up fast or remain standing for more than about a minute while I’m trying to clean the kitchen or wipe counters or whatever. I get dizzy, have tunnel vision and my ears start ringing. Luckily I’ve passed out enough times from my low blood pressure issues that I know what it feels like and what the threshold is, so I basically just stop and bend over or sit down when it’s getting to the I’m-going-to-keel-over phase.

I realized last night that if we hadn’t lost our baby in January, I’d be around eight months pregnant now. I imagine the blood pressure issues would probably be one heck of a lot worse if I were hugely pregnant during the hottest part of the year. Mind you, I am still really sad that we didn’t get to keep our January baby. But… I guess there’s a silver lining to every cloud, yeah?

I took my third “extra” dose of progesterone last night. Since the spotting appears to be clearing up, I’m going to go back to my regular dosage today and keep fingers crossed. Still planning on spending the weekend mostly loafing, though I might dare a little bit of sweeping or kitchen cleaning if I have the energy… we’ll see.

I am getting increasingly certain that I am starting a baby bump already. I’ve apparently gained around a pound or so in the last couple of weeks, and it seems like things are rearranging themselves into my belly – it hangs lower and folds down over my pubic bone in a way that it never did before, and it just feels bloatier and more sticking-out-there. I haven’t been eating more than usual… if anything I’ve actually been eating healthier. But I have spent weeks avoiding  any sort of meaningful physical activity, so I wonder if that has something to do with it? I also haven’t been using my abs to walk, sit up straight, and so on like I usually do. But I googled it and there are a lot of ladies with pictures of 6-week baby bumps, so I am going to assume that’s what it is. I guess I’ll just have to get over it, since it will be getting a lot “worse” before it gets better. :P But it does make me determined to start exercising as soon as it’s safe, and to come up with a good plan to get my body back into nice condition after baby arrives – I already can’t wear my usual pants to work, they’re too tight and uncomfortable!

Four more days and counting…

5WK4D – I Guess I’ll Go Eat Worms

So yesterday, just as I was leaving work to come home, I went to the bathroom and found that the spotting had returned.  Still dark brown, still little enough to call spotting, but UGH!!!!

So I drove home, got into bed, had Kaitlin make dinner for me, and pretty much did not get out of bed until I had to get up for work this morning. I took an extra 100mg of progesterone last night, too, per our Greek coordinator’s instructions.  I’m still spotting today, and thankful that it’s staying dark brown and light in quantity, but ohhhhh, I really don’t want to be at work right now. Trying to prop my feet up when I can and make it through the day.

I’m tired, and lightly nauseous, and breasts were very sore last night. But this is the most awful waiting-week ever, so much worse than the usual TWW. It occurred to me that even our ultrasound next week, which right now I am clinging to anxiously, isn’t going to “fix” anything. It will give us some more information on what’s going on, but it’s not going to have any actual effect on the outcome one way or the other, any more than a pregnancy test does.  It’s just a way of finding out more. But what will be is going to be, regardless of whether we know about it as it happens or not.

Trying to find some measure of zen in all of this, but it’s really hard. I still have the gut feeling that  things are going to be okay this time, but it’s not easy to tune out the naysaying spots on the toilet paper.  And in the meantime, I am feeling a lack of energy, a lot of frustration – not just about the spotting but that I can’t keep up with the house when I really shouldn’t be walking/moving around much – and a lot of just glum, pessimistic thoughts about our capability to even be parents if one anxious week of early pregnancy makes the house this much of a mess, whether the universe intends to snatch this away like last time, etc. I guess I’ll go eat worms. :P

 (Whenever I was feeling sorry for myself as a kid my dad would always sing “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I’ll go eat worms…” I hated it. But it was, I admit, an effective way of pointing out just how whiny and ridiculously exaggerating I was being.)

The dumb thing is I really don’t have any reason to be letting my brain wander off in such self-pitying doomsday directions, because so far Dr. Google says that the type of spotting I’m experiencing is completely and utterly normal and not really anything to worry about. It’s like I have some sort of PTSD after our first loss and can’t dig my little brain out of its Eeyore-hole. Seriously. I’m automatically assuming and fearing the worst possible outcome, when a great possible outcome is equally possible. So basically, I am totally discounting the glass as half empty, because I fear unpreparedness if I choose to view it as half full and turn out to be wrong.

Which is worse… to be disappointed because I believed something good would happen and it didn’t, or to be disappointed because I believed something bad would happen and was proven right? There’s really no difference between the two, other than that the first scenario has an added layer of self-flagellation for being arrogant, foolish, blind, etc. etc. But either way, the ultimate result is the same: that I didn’t get what I wanted. And being able to say “I knew it!” doesn’t really make me feel any better.

I am also betting that a good amount of this poo-pooing is medication-induced, because I only seem to be this stubbornly negative when I’m on these crazy hormones.  I *could* be enjoying this time, focusing on how grateful I am that the spotting is still in the “safe” zone, even that spotting is a clear indicator that I’ve got a pregnancy really and truly going on in there, or that the spotting has increased my bonding with our little shrimp (he/she apparently looks a lot like a tiny shrimp at the moment) because I keep having long talks with them about all the wonderful things they should really consider sticking around for.  I *could* be floating around the office with a little secret smile, because I know I’m pregnant and nobody else does, and it’s kind of fun.

I really need to stop choosing to stare at the darkness instead of the stars, and give myself an attitude adjustment. :P

5WK3D – Knocking on Wood

So I spotted almost all day Friday and Saturday. It wasn’t a lot – mostly light brown, didn’t even reach my undies – but it was certainly enough to keep me on edge and anxious and maybe even a little depressed. Especially since Friday night we had a family dinner with my (now 20-weeks-along) pregnant SIL, and my mom really wanted to know how I was doing and I had to tell her we just didn’t know.

Saturday was Kaitlin’s unbirthday. I bought her the supplies to change the oil in her motorcycle, since that’s what she said she wanted for a present. So we spent the morning at Harley-Davidson and made another stop by a hardware store, then went to the Melting Pot for a fondue lunch. Came home and I loafed on the couch while she changed her oil, then we went to a movie and dinner. It was a nice day, but the spotting kept me pretty tense and it was hard to concentrate on much of anything else. I felt kind of bad since I know I wasn’t really *there* for Kaitlin for her unbirthday like I wanted to be. Hopefully I can make it up to her a little bit on her real birthday in December. At that point I’ll be 20-ish weeks along myself, and probably feeling a lot more confident.

Luckily when I woke up Sunday morning, the spotting was gone. I still planted my butt on the couch and did nothing, even though the floors need sweeping so badly and the kitchen needs cleaning and there’s about a million things around the house that need taking care of…  None of them are worth losing this pregnancy. So I sat, and tried not to get up and move around very much except to get food and go to the bathroom.

And there is still, knock on wood, no spotting going on. Today we are exactly one week away from our first ultrasound, so I’m going to be spending this week taking it very very easy. I think, if we can see a heartbeat on the ultrasound, it will finally feel like it’s okay to breathe again. Also, this morning I got an email back from my Greek coordinator – even though she’s on vacation and preparing for her wedding – with some instructions on how I can increase my progesterone dosage if the spotting continues. It was like a magic wand that really did make me feel a lot better. Something I can do! A way I can try and fight back!! A teeny bit of semi-empowerment in this situation that I have so little control of. 

My body doesn’t like all this sitting around, though. I want to at least go do walks or something, and probably will – little bitty short ones – once we get a heartbeat confirmed. While my feelings of being down in the dumps have brightened considerably  in the past two days, it’s hard to stay upbeat if I’m slouching around for too long. I’d like to at least get to a place where I can do some chores around the house without worrying.

I feel a little frustrated at being so tense right now. I want to revel in each and every week of the pregnancy experience, since this is the only time I’m ever going to do it. But I feel like the residual terror from our first miscarriage has spoiled it a little. I’m hoping that maybe, after the ultrasound, I’ll be able to relax and enjoy it a little more.

Otherwise, there are very few pregnancy symptoms to report. Boobs mostly sore at night, before I go to bed. Little bouts of fatigue that come and go, same thing with the nausea. All sorts of odd tugging/twinging/twanging feelings in my belly, that could be pregnancy-related, gas, or digestion. Oh, and I find myself continually unbuttoning my pants, because they feel so tight. I know I can’t get a bump this early – but I tend to put on weight in my belly first, and it’s already got a good 15 more pounds to it than it did when we started this whole TTC thing. My weight on the scale hasn’t changed a bit in the last few weeks, but I feel like maybe the weight’s rearranging itself in my tummy area now. :P Hey, at least I can tell myself it’s the baby bump now, LOL!

In the meantime, hoping for a nice quiet week at work and at home. Going to maybe try to sleep through as much of it as I can in order to make it go by faster. :P

FIVE WEEKS - Spotting

Okay, we've made it to five weeks. But today - spotting. :/ I was doing just fine until that showed up, and now my little lizard brain is terrified. Even though I realize spotting can be entirely normal and mean nothing at this stage. I know that. But I was wishing so, so much that there wouldn't be any this time around. 

Our ultrasound appointments for the 17th and 24th have been set. I feel really lucky that, while this TWW for the first one feels really long, I actually get to have two (possibly three) ultrasounds a week apart, to check on progress. After the first one, I'll be making an appointment with my OB/GYN for the week-8 ultrasound. So I'll get one week 6, week 7, AND week 8.

Hoping very very much for good news. But still have to make it through one more week (and three days) before we get to the first one. I really need this spotting to go away. Or stay at just spotting and definitely NOT turn into bleeding. 

The last couple days have been relatively symptom free. Maybe a little bit of fatigue, but not much nausea, not much moodiness. Very sore boobs, though. :P

Kaitlin's going through a rough time at work right now, so I'm really hoping things with the pregnancy remain stable so that she doesn't have that to worry about. I'm lucky that for the moment, my work situation seems to be going actually very well. I'm able to stay relatively low-key and unstressed, which has been pretty fantastic. I reassured her this morning that I really feel like this is the one. We've got a sticky bean. I really am feeling like that's true, but oh... spotting, please go away. Please please??

Anyway, in non-TTC related stuff, my little dog had to go to the vet yesterday with squinty, red eyes. Turns out the vet thinks she has allergies, so now we have her on eyedrops and an anti-inflammatory and baby benadryl (which she eats when it's mixed into peanut butter, hehehe. Bubblegum-flavor meds + peanut butter sounds awful to me, but she really likes it...) She does have to stay inside for the next few days, though, so we had to close up the dog/cat door to the backyard. All our pets now think we are just the meanest mommies ever, poor things. Hopefully it won't be for long.

In the meantime, I found this hilarious pregnancy announcement video that I thought I'd share... still trying to keep thinking positive...

4WK5D - Second Beta, Symptoms, the Second TWW

So first off, here's the results of our second beta, which I got Monday afternoon:

569! Which is nearly double, at exactly 48 hours after the first one. So far, so good, yeah?

I got hit with a heavy dose of moodiness yesterday - moodiness to the point where I was so generally angry and disenchanted with my life that even the knowledge that I'm pregnant didn't make me feel better. :/ I just kept telling myself it was the hormones, and I know that's true - it also possibly comes from the fact that I've spent nearly every waking moment for the past year and a half focused on getting pregnant. Every penny I've earned, every meal I ate, every activity I did (or didn't do), it was all centered around how I felt about our TTC journey at that moment.

So now we have a second pink line, and positive betas, and a second TWW until we get an ultrasound and find out anything more... and other than taking my meds on time, there's sort of a sense of "Now what?" Not that I haven't LONGED to be able to move on to the now-what that comes after getting pregnant... it's just that I guess, in a sense, I am tired. Really tired. And while I want to launch into allllll the stuff that's been postponed - like our elopement, and starting on the nursery, and maybe even rejoining the "real" world by showing up to social things a wee bit more often - I'm currently kind of feeling stubbornly lazy. I kind of just want to curl up around this tiny flame I've at last managed to get started, and nap with it until it gets bigger, and not bother about any of the rest of it.

Of course, that's not entirely possible because I still have to do grown up things like go to work, and feed the dog, and put the dishes in the dishwasher, and fold laundry.  It's also starting to get a wee bit intimidating to think about how I'm going to manage to fit the care of a baby in with all of that. I know it will pretty much work itself out - necessity is the mother of invention, yeah? But as I was sitting on my couch for a few minutes this morning, waiting for my little dog to wake up in her crate and sort of waiting for myself to wake up a bit too before making my (decaf) morning coffee, I was thinking about how, once there's a baby in the house, I will probably not have minutes of silence in the morning to just sit and stare off blankly. And once said baby is a toddler - I'll probably not have minutes of silence EVER. :P

In addition to all of that, because of January's miscarriage I am far too aware of the fact that we are still a long way from the finish line. Just getting a positive beta doesn't mean I'm going to walk away with a baby in nine months. Up until I'd miscarried, I guess I kind of took for granted that two pink lines  =  baby. Miscarriage was something that happened to other people, unfortunate people. Well, I'm an other, unfortunate people now. And I will tell you, I have a whole new respect for the level of anger, sadness, frustration and jealousy that comes to folks who didn't get to walk away with their baby after that first positive test. I have to be careful, too, because I find myself wearing that disappointment like a badge of honor, like "oh, you were lucky enough to get to keep your baby on the first try? How nice for you. But since you didn't have to suffer like I did, you can't possibly love your child as much as I'm going to love mine." Which is, of course, horribly arrogant and assholey of me, and I have to keep checking my attitude. I wouldn't actually wish what I've been through on anybody. And just because we had to fight so hard doesn't in any way make our love for our kiddo superior to anybody else's love for theirs.

At the same time, I do think it makes it special, and unique. Our kiddo's going to know, from the time that they're itty bitty, just how much they were loved and wanted, and just how far we went (literally) in order to be able to have them in our family. That doesn't make their story any better or worse than anybody else's, but I hope it gives them a sense of self-worth and confidence.

Anyway, aside from the kind of extreme moodiness of yesterday, I had some nausea this morning (I'd say about a 4-5 on the scale of 1-10) while I was driving to work. Wasn't fun, but wasn't bad enough that I'd have had to pull over, either. It was mostly gone by the time I got here. I've since put some food in my stomach and I think that's going to help. But I am going to need to stash a thing of Saltines in my car, I think, for future morning commutes.

Friday will mark five weeks. It was also exactly at five weeks that I started bleeding last time, so I'm kind of anxious for Friday to get here so that I can prove to myself it's not going to happen this time. This weekend is Kaitlin's un-birthday (her real birthday is in December and gets lost between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so we celebrate on August 8th instead.) I know she wants to go to the Melting Pot for dinner, but we don't have solid plans for the day - we're really low on money and I can't go anywhere that there's a lot of walking, trying to keep that to small short bursts throughout the day until we see a heartbeat. So I'm not sure what we'll end up doing.

Right now, though, I really would like to just go home and nap and cuddle my puppy and watch Korean drama and surf the internet.

Instead, I will be a grownup and get through these files on my desk. :P

IVF#3 11DP3DT – FOUR WEEKS

I’m waiting for the positive beta before I start tracking according to weeks of pregnancy, but I got a really dark line yesterday afternoon at work, and  two more this morning, so it’s worth noting that as of today, beta or not, I am 100% positive that I am four weeks pregnant.  (Well, the embryos are only two weeks old, but the way those silly doctors count pregnancy back to supposed first day of last period…)

As if that weren’t enough, I spent most of the day yesterday feeling exhausted, even after an amazing night’s sleep… and last night after dinner I had to lie down and stay down the rest of the night, because I was so nauseous. Didn’t throw up (I have to be really, really sick for that) but on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is normal non-nausea and 10 is puking my guts out, I’d say we were at a 7-8. Ugh. Ate saltines, drank water and managed to keep my medication in my tummy where it belongs, but it made for a crummy night’s sleep.

Still tired this morning, though not as dizzy and woozy as yesterday, so here’s hoping maybe today will be better. Still sitting here crunching saltines, though (which are slightly banana flavored, haha, since they’ve been hanging out in my office drawer with my fruit.) I think that saltines are about to become my new best friend, if this keeps up.

Oh, the irony. Just a couple days ago I was oh-so-worried about feeling too awesome, and now apparently I have nausea/fatigue before we’ve even had a positive beta. Pfft.  Be careful what you wish for??

Though I keep peeing on sticks and keep seeing that second line, it still feels a little surreal to think “I’m pregnant.” After eighteen months of trying, 4 ICIs, 6 IUIs, more pills, injections, and ultrasounds than I can even count,  three trips to Greece, four different sperm donors, three different egg donors, nine embryos transferred, forty thousand dollars spent and one miscarriage – I guess it’s just a little hard to wrap my brain around the fact that we’ve finally received what we’ve been begging the universe for all this time. I’m proud of us, for not giving up. I’m grateful – SO grateful – for the wise financial choices I made years ago in buying a house that I could then borrow against for all of this, and for sticking with my job through a couple really harrowing years such that I now have an income that allows us to feasibly manage TTC debt. But more than anything else, I am so, so grateful to see that second pink line.

I suppose I ought to be more nervous about another miscarriage, but somehow I’m not. Somehow, it feels way down deep in my gut that we’re taking a baby home this time for sure.  I have this sense of peace about it, and it’s funny – even all the little doubts and fears that enter my head can’t actually unseat the certainty that it’s going to turn out okay. So I’m holding on to that, because I think the baby(ies) are trying to tell me they’re sticking around.

Beta blood draw at 8 AM tomorrow. I am guessing we’ll end up with a second one on Monday. Then we get to find out what date we get to have an ultrasound. Hoping for six weeks…

Looking forward to the weekend, though, hopefully accomplishing a few small things and getting to mostly loaf. I’m not doing any more major cleaning projects until we see heartbeats. And even then, I may hold off on doing much until we’re through the first trimester and things are looking okay.

In the meantime, guess I will just have to start googling cute baby clothes and more nursery ideas :P

IVF#3 10DP3DT – Pregnancy symptoms are like a box of chocolates…

Or else it’s all in my head, which is possible. But did you know that both constipation AND diarrhea are pregnancy symptoms? Yay! And they’re made even MORE fun when you’re taking a boatload of progesterone pills in addition to whatever the little bean is cooking up in there. Oh yes.

I am curious whether women taking progesterone supplements, especially seriously heavy ones (I’m on 800 mg a day) generally experience pregnancy symptoms a lot earlier than non-supplemented pregnancies. I’ve always heard that morning sickness and all the “real” stuff starts kicking in around weeks 6-8. But I am having days where I feel awesome, and then days (and evenings) where I am ucky, and we haven’t even had a beta yet. Last night I was fine until I ate dinner (which consisted of salmon, corn, and zucchini) and for the rest of the night had all kinds of fun tummy issues that were still there when I got up this morning.

Oh, and a blood pressure drop, too, that had me really dizzy and short of breath in the shower. I have poor circulation and low blood pressure anyway, so when all my blood is hanging out in my stomach/uterus area, I get light-headed and woozy – especially in the summer, and especially in the shower where it’s hot and humid. So that was also fun.

So either I had a bad piece of salmon, or my body is playing all kinds of fun tricks on me as it tries to metabolize the crazy amounts of hormones I am stuffing into it all day long.

Guess all I can really do is keep drinking water. Especially if I’m going to be having blood pressure drops like that, sheesh. But even with all the water I’m drinking, either my bladder is getting bigger, or I’m just getting used to all the trips to the bathroom, because it doesn’t *seem* like I’m peeing as frequently as I was three or four days ago. Hmm.

Tested again this morning, still positive, so I’m feeling a lot more confident at this point – even if the line doesn’t seem to be getting much darker, it’s showing up nice and clear. Emailed my Greek doctor’s letter to my RE in preparation for the beta on Saturday morning.  Really interested in what the numbers will be. REALLY interested in what the first ultrasound is going to look like, though I know I’ll have to wait another couple weeks after the betas to find out.

Until then, trying to concentrate on eating good food and drinking enough water to sink a small boat. :P But I was looking up pregnancy diets last night, and holy cow, right now I just can’t imagine eating that much food. Like six times a day, SO MUCH FOOD. I really hope that I just develop an appetite for it when the time is right, because at the moment it’s hard to comprehend how I’ll fit all that eating into my day.

Also, I found this super cute video on Facebook that I wanted to share, because it’s awesome and cute and a little tearjerking and that little boy at the end is the very best part!

IVF#3 9DP3DT - So Far So Good

Yesterday I spent a lot of time with anxiety that maybe the BFP was fading. I felt GREAT yesterday... better than I have since we started this round of meds... and was worried maybe that meant that the BFP was going away.

But last night's tests, though maybe not darker than the day before, were still solidly positive. (PS, I discovered that the reason my boobs weren't hurting is because apparently my Victoria's Secret bra is magical. The minute I took it off last night to shower, boobs = ow. Put it back on this morning, and no pain! Well done, VS! I will be wearing this sucker for as long as possible while I'm pregnant.)

And this morning, even though I got to sleep through the night and didn't have to get up for the bathroom until 5:30 AM (wow!), I used both a FRER and Wondfo and both were still solid, clear positives.

So came to work, kept drinking my water, and got another faint positive on a Wondfo. (Yes, I realize this is an awful lot of peeing on sticks. Pffft, I say. I need lots of reassurance & this is how I get it :P ) Still feeling better than I think I ought to feel as a newly-pregnant lady on a ton of meds, but I wonder if maybe that's because embryos are sucking up the hormones so I'm not getting the side effects - unlike round #2 when I had every possible pregnancy side effect but no baby in there.

My beta appointment is at 8 AM on Saturday, so I just have to email the Greek doctor's orders over to the RE today or tomorrow. Pretty sure at this point it's going to be positive, the question is just *how* positive... and whether it doubles. Sounds like beta #2 will then be on Monday, so I guess we'll see.

Then another TWW, most likely, before we can have an ultrasound. I don't think I'll really be able to escape the anxiety until we get to the point where there is/are heartbeat(s) on the screen. Even so, I don't think I'll be able to hold myself back from excitement and planning and all of that until the ultrasound. We've been waiting so long for this... so long, to feel like life is really moving forward and we're really going to be able to get off the TTC-train at last and take the next step into pregnancy and parenthood... and it's kind of not possible to already start getting excited about doing all the things we've wanted to do for ages that we keep setting aside for "when we're not TTC-ing anymore." A lot of that is money-related - I have wanted to put a real floor in our basement for years, but couldn't afford it. We've wanted to elope (likely to Vegas, because if you're going to elope you should do it right), but couldn't afford it. And, of course, there's the nursery, and all the millions of daydreams about the wall mural and sewing little blankets and curtains and cushions that go with the theme, and acquiring all the furniture and setting it up to be our baby(ies)'s room... and some of the less romantical things about it, like bringing in an electrician to wire up ceiling boxes for overhead fans (why oh why did the house builders think that having no overhead lighting in bedrooms was a good idea???) and starting to think about remodeling the upstairs bath which will end up being the kiddo bathroom and... and... and...

You see what I mean. It's like life has been on hold for ages while we poured everything we had into this. And truthfully, we won't be able to do a lot of things right away anyway, because we've got to make a nice big dent in the debts accrued while TTC. But I'll admit, I'm already kinda sorta researching Montessori schools (there's one near our house that takes kids as young as 12 months) and daydreaming.

Cart miles before the horse. I know. But when you've dreamed of things for so long, even started to wonder if you'd never actually get there, it's hard not to get crazy excited.

And being excited and daydreaming is loads more fun than angsting over whether my pregnancy test line is getting darker and WHY IS IT NOT DARKER YET. :P Also, it's really only the equivalent of 12DPO. I should be grateful there's even a second line at all, not to mention how solid and clear it is.

So daydreaming it is. Right after I finish working on this pile of files on my desk!

IVF#3 8DP3DT - Always Something to Worry About!

So last night I took a FRER, and this morning I took a digital, and here you go:

(also a better pic of yesterday afternoon's stick)

So it's definitely BFP. Of course, now begins the contemplation of whether it's multiples, and if so, how many.

If that weren't enough, this morning I woke up with the heavy-tummy feeling completely gone, plenty of energy, no nausea, no moodiness, boob soreness gone and it doesn't seem like I have to pee. So now, even though I'm staring at the pic of the digital that says PREGNANT, I am second-guessing whether it's going to end up a chemical. And trying really hard to redirect those thoughts to "this is going to work, it HAS worked, we're taking a baby home this time." But ooooh, it feels like each little triumph is such a double-edged sword, because the stakes get higher.

And I guess it's always going to feel that way. After a positive beta, "will it double?" After a doubling beta, "will the ultrasound be ok? Will there be heartbeats? How many?" After a successful ultrasound, "will the next one be ok? and the next? Will I make it through the first trimester?" I think it's just never going to end. The uncertainty of TTC just turns into the uncertainty of pregnancy, so all this positive-thinking discipline I've been working on is far from over.

In the meantime, I am pretty far behind at work and have a bunch of meetings today. This week will likely be spent playing catch-up from the week I was out, before I can get to the new project my boss has assigned.

But, I did get an email back from the Greek clinic today, with the letter for my RE here ordering the beta test. So after my morning meetings I'm going to call to set the appointment for the blood draw.

She also sent me the egg donor's profile, so now I have information on both of them.

Egg Donor: 25 years old, white skin, brown hair, brown eyes, Type A-, 167 cm tall (about 5'6"), 50 kg (about 110 lbs), a dental assistant.

Sperm Donor: From Cryos International Sperm Bank, Donor #6567. Danish, blue/gray eyes, brown hair, 6 feet tall, 192 lbs, Type O+ (same as me!), an "interactive digital media" student.

That's all the info available for each of them, as they're both anonymous. But it's enough, I think - looks like we're likely to have a brown haired kiddo! Trying to focus on the positive possibilities rather than the not so positive ones at the moment. Hey, we've made it all the way to a second pink line. That's huge! So we just have to make it to beta now. This is going to be the one, right? <3

IVF#3 7DP3DT - WE DID IT!!

Took another test this morning, line still squinty but more there than ever before. Certain enough, at this point, that I marked it a a BFP on my little list.

Got to work, and took another one. And there's no longer any doubt in my mind at all. The pic's not cooperating with my phone, so I may have to wait a bit to post it, but trust me... no longer a chance that it's an evap.

This is the real deal, folks. EDIT: Here's the pic. It's darker in RL, but I couldn't get my camera to pick it up well...

I am pregnant again. And with a nice early result, so here's hoping this one is sticky.

There are a million things I need to get done now, a ton of stuff on my plate, but I'm at least going to take today to enjoy that second pink line and watch it get darker. I can't wait for our beta! I just have this feeling that we're really going to take a baby home this time.

So on my lunch break I have to run to Walmart and get groceries for nice pregnant-lady lunches for the rest of the week... and while I'm at it I'll pick up some FRERs and digitals. Gonna entertain myself with peeing on sticks for the rest of the week until beta day. YAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

Just stick, baby(ies), stick....

Due date is April 8th (if it's a singleton.)

IVF#3 6DP3DT - BFP or Evaps??

Started testing yesterday, and used up my last two pink Wondfo tests. Both BFN, of course... Yesterday would have been the equivalent of 8DPO. But then, at around 7Pm I used the first of my new batch of Wondfos, which are blue, and got a squinter.

Was so excited I couldn't sleep very well, waiting to get up and test again. And again this morning, a squinter. Tested four times today, and all of them have faint second lines, and I even had Kaitlin look at them and she thinks they're gradually getting darker too. Today is the equivalent of 9DPO.

But, I googled these blue tests and it would seem they are knock offs, not real Wondfos... And I found several complaints about them giving  evaps/false positives. So all I can really do is keep testing (I have 50 tests, so I can pretty much do it as much as I want) and see if the line gets any darker. Right now it's so faint it could be an evap. But would I really get evaps on five tests in a row? Maybe, I guess, if the test batch was just made that way. Still, it's a bit of hope, and it's still really early for testing. So, I'm not calling a BFP yet, but maybe tomorrow will tell whether the line gets darker or keeps coming up like this.

In other weekend news I did very little for two days besides hard core loafing on the couch. And bashed my hand into the refrigerator door while making dinner tonight, it really hurt! In terms of pregnancy symptoms, they've sort of come and gone. Most of the heavy-tummy feeling is gone now, except for a few minutes here and there. I've had an awful lot of tearful outbursts, my boobs are sore, and I've been really tired. Only a little bit of nausea. The majority of the time it doesn't feel like anything much at all. Back to work tomorrow; by this time next week we'll have our answer. Beta is supposed to be on Saturday, but I have to get my Greek doctor to send me the letter so I can get the appointment.

In the meantime, taking a fistful of tests and a little cup to work with me tomorrow. Please little second line, get darker!!!!

IVF#3 4DP3DT – Biding Time

So today would be the equivalent of 7 DPO. Whereas with IVF#2 I had every single symptom under the sun, even this early, yesterday and today have been really mild. A bit of nausea, mostly at mealtimes;  a bit of constipation, though nowhere near as awful as last time; a bit of fatigue (that could very well be jet lag) followed by an unusual amount of energy;  and a bit of moodiness, though again nowhere near as bad as the last round. Oh, and an appetite that’s either ravenous or non-existent, depending on the nausea.

The most prevalent and constant “symptom” is one I had even before the embryo transfer, and that’s the heavy, full feeling. It’s similar to the sensation right before a period starts, where it just feels like the uterus is full and dragging down a bit. The muscles feel tired, as if I did three hundred sit-ups several days ago and the worst of the soreness has past, and now the muscles aren’t painful but they’re tired and overly sensitive… that’s the best way I can think of to describe it. Sometimes they twinge or twitch a little. Sometimes it actually feels a little achy. But it never goes away, so it’s a 24/7 reminder of the TWW. Kind of hard to successfully not-think-about-whether-I-am-pregnant when the sensation is neverending. Pffft.

And, while I know it’s silly, I swear I worry every time I bend over, every time I stand longer than 60 seconds, every time I laugh or go to the bathroom or even just stretch in the morning – because those muscles are sensitive I’m hyper aware of every time I use them, and a little red flag pops up in the back of my mind going “hey, be careful!” X.x

Had an odd dream last night about a really young, really thin girl who was pregnant and had two kids already. Her belly was almost see-through and I could see her baby pressing its hands against her stomach from the inside. I spent most of the dream taking care of her two older children, and running around this big mansion trying to find her so that they could see their mom. No clue what it might mean, if it means anything at all, but it was vivid enough that I apparently still remember it hours later. Oh, and there was a huge, old ballroom in this mansion, that was magnificent but had gone unused for probably eighty years, and was mostly forgotten and  obsolete, and used to store toys that belonged to the owner’s children.

Freud would probably have a field day.

Oh, and let’s see, in the last two days at work I have seen no less than 3 hugely pregnant women, one teeny tiny brand new newborn, and more toddlers than I could count on one hand. And I have this weird emotional response, angry and sad and wistful and happy happy happy all at the same time.  Mostly the hormones, I’m sure, but sheesh.

It would make me feel better to get an early, strong BFP, and high beta numbers. I had a later BFP last time (about 13DPO) and low beta numbers (starting at 190) and part of me wonders if that’s because baby was headed for a miscarriage from the start. At the same time, early strong results are often indicative of multiples… so about three seconds after I were to get them I’d be all worried about what it might *mean* in terms of the quantity. LOL.

That’s really all there is to report at the moment. Definitely staying busy at work, though I’m really glad it’s Friday. I have a few small chores planned for the weekend, but otherwise I’ll probably spend it camped on the couch watching Korean drama. Sunday is the first day I’m letting myself POAS – it will be 6DP3DT, or around 9 DPO. Way early, I know, but if this is going to work I want that info as soon as it is physically possible. I remember, after we got our BFP in December, what an amazing sense of peace it was, long before we went in for the beta… and the TWW was no longer agonizing as soon as that second pink line showed up and I already knew what the beta was going to say.

Of course I knew at beta #2 in April, too. But I much prefer knowing before the lab confirms it, to the agony of waiting a full 14 days without a clue. Right now waiting just two more days to POAS, even knowing that I’m unlikely to see a BFP that early, feels like it is just soooooooo long. :P

IVF#3 2DP3DT - Home Sweet Home

loooooong trip home yesterday! Fairly uneventful, though, as traveling goes. We took a taxi to he airport, had a ten hour flight to Philly, a three and a half hour layover, and another near-four hour flight to get home, where a friend was kind enough to pick us up. Oh, the luxury of sleeping in our own (soft) bed, with my own (soft and plump) pillow!! Today we are taking it easy, unpacking and driving the 2 hours down to my mom's house to retrieve my dog, and taking care of other odds and ends. Tomorrow, back to work.

Not feeling a whole lot in terms of symptoms, still peeing a bunch and have that low, achy tummy feeling like I did before the transfer, as if my uterus is swollen. :P But that's about it. Still really trying to think positively, though seems like that gets just a little harder every day. So much disappointment over the last year and a half makes it hard to hold faith that this time will be different.

Even though I kind of think it will?

Because we had three day embryos this time, the TWW feels longer. Like, today is the day we would have had the transfer if we'd had 5-day embryos. And it really won't make sense to start taking tests until Sundayish, which is about the equivalent of 9 DPO... And still early for testing. So that means getting through today, two days back at work, and one day of weekend, probably just to get a negative test the first few times. :P the TWW always makes me feel like a little kid again. remember when, as a child, an hour was FOREVER... And two weeks might as well be an eternity? As you age time seems to go by faster, or maybe there's just more perspective so it seems more fleeting. Not during the TWW, though. It feels like you've hit the slow-mo button on life's remote, and the next two weeks will take a jillion years.

Interestingly, while TTC-ers are agonizing over the will-it-or-won't-it wait, those little embryos are working like tiny energizer bunnies, fighting for their little lives by trying to grow big enough to attach to the uterine wall before they run out of steam. For them every moment probably feels like the ticking of a bomb, passing way too fast... And we hopeful mommies are only agonizing because we have no way of knowing how they're doing in there, and so very few things we can do to help them. Sigh. If only there was a way to get a status report each day of their progress. My uterus needs email, lol...

"Good morning, expectant mother. We have some good news and some bad news this morning; overnight Embryo #3 arrested, and is sadly no longer viable. However, Embryos #1 and #2 have reached blastocyst stage, and are expected to hatch sometime today. And Embryo #4, though a bit behind the others, is performing surprisingly well, and may reach blastocyst before close of business this afternoon. Please continue timely medicine delivery. The next update is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8:00 AM sharp."

Would sure be nice.

Anyway, going to really start pushing my name change tomorrow. Have to change it at the bank, and on all my utilities, and most importantly get those IT guys at work to give me my new email address so I can start using it full time there. So, project for the TWW...

IVF#2 12DP5DT - Beta Day

Another BFN on the HPT last night. Got up early this morning, let Kaitlin give me my heparin shot, took my meds, and went to the doctor's office for the blood draw. Just waiting to get the results this afternoon so that I can stop taking the medication. I have never wanted confirmation of a BFN more than I do right now. I know that we failed. But I wish I was wrong, so badly, that I am desperate for that piece of paper that tells me I can stop going through the motions. Stop taking the medication, stop wondering about every little twinge, stop worrying about cold medicine and coffee and alcohol and just get on with my still-childless life.

I don't remember the other BFNs being this hard. I don't remember being in this much pain while at work even during the miscarriage... probably because in that case, I took days off through the worst of it. I don't feel like I deserve days off for just another BFN. It's not like my life is over. I'm not even physically as uncomfortable as I am during a normal AF. I just feel a whole lot of nothing. A whole lot of empty. My emotions are on overdrive because of the estrogen, and I can't wait to be able to stop taking it.

My heart is so broken. I feel so broken. Thirty thousand dollars later, we are no closer to having a baby in our arms than we were when we started. I am tired and bitter and more sad than I know how to put into words. I don't know how to give up on this. Yet I don't know how I can keep going, either. How do people do this? How do they get through years and years of this? How do they AFFORD it?

All I want right now is retail therapy. After months of scrimping and saving and forgoing every little thing I wanted in order to add pennies to our TTC savings account, all I want is to buy anything that seems like it might make me feel better. And it's probably the worst and most self-destructive thing I can do, because money is what makes the TTC journey go round. I'm going to be paying off the debt we're already in for the next ten years, and we didn't even get a baby out of it.

Today is a sucktacular day, and all I can think about is getting to that test result - just a few more hours now, I can make it that long, right? - so that I can go home, hate my life, drink a bottle of wine, cry until I can't think anymore, and wake up tomorrow without meds, without injections, without hope. Right now the greatest happiness available to me will be hopelessness. At least if there's no hope, it doesn't hurt so much.

So I realize that writing all of this out, the fact that this is the way my heart really feels, the fact that this is, I guess, the whiny, bitter, self-centered person I actually am, is pretty revealing, isn't it? I don't like the person that I am right now. I don't want to be this negative. I don't want to be this angry.  I don't want to be such a diva about things that aren't going right in my life. After all, the world doesn't revolve around me. And I should be spending this time caring for other people's problems and sadness instead of wallowing in my own. One of the girls at the RE's office today called me a "trooper." I wanted to hug her and punch her at the same time. It's nice that someone might think of me that way, but I know it's a lie. Because I'm not trooping, I'm drowning in self-pity and failure and pain and jealousy and anger and tears.

I want to be a strong person, a courageous person who faces disappointment with love and kindness and selflessness and grace, but I'm not. I'm tapped out, I've got nothing left. Today it's all about surviving through the next ten seconds. And then the next ten seconds. And then the next. Until life has moved on enough that I can move on too.

So.

Once I get the results I'm not waiting for the Greek clinic to tell me to stop the meds, I'm just stopping. When I send them the results, I'll ask them for another Lupron prescription, so that I can order the meds again  - it will take a month or more to get them so I might as well get them ordered now. That will be another $537. I'll also ask her to tell me how long they would recommend I wait before trying again, and how much their fee will be for a third attempt. Then I spend the next couple of weekends selling everything possible on Ebay and Craigslist. I avoid driving anywhere I don't have to drive, I eat as little as possible and avoid grocery shopping for as long as possible. I don't buy anything else for my little doll or sewing supplies. When I get my next royalty check the whole thing goes into the TTC savings account. I just literally don't spend ANYTHING, don't buy ANYTHING, that is not absolutely necessary. I avoid seeing my family, especially my pregnant SIL, as much as humanly possible - which is going to be really difficult over the summer, since that's the time when we all have birthdays and get together monthly, and I don't know how I'm going to get out of all of them.

And maybe, just MAYBE, we'll be able to take another stab at this in July or August. It will be the last. If it doesn't work... It will be a year before I can even begin to hope to have enough money to do anything else. Of course, I keep saying that, and as soon as failure strikes I seem to come up with another way to find money. I suppose a fourth try could go entirely on a credit card, but that just seems really stupid. Though adoption fees... If I spent money on an adoption and home study before the end of this year, I think I could get it all pretty much back in taxes next year. So maybe that's what we'll have to do... try one more IVF, and if it doesn't work, sign up with an adoption agency, charge the whole fee to a credit card, then write it off on taxes so that we get it refunded... and wait to see if there's any birth mother out there who will choose us.

Funny, how all the IVF bloggers I've found and followed never really seem to talk much about the money part of their attempts. Maybe they have insurance covering them, or have a partner who's footing the bills, or someone lending it to them, I don't know. But I don't have any of that, and it's maybe the biggest stressor of this entire process, worse even than the hormones and the injections and the TWW.

And the only thing that keeps me going right now is knowing that if we ever DO get a baby out of all of this, it will all suddenly seem more than worth it. It would be something I would do over again without question, if I KNEW the outcome was going to be eventual success. But right now we're in that uncertain limbo where never-succeeding is still a very real possibility, and then all of this is going to be the biggest waste, the biggest losing bet, of my life.

Break's over. Have to get started on some actual work now... the last thing I need is to get fired on top of everything else.

IVF#2 11DP5DT - Still negative

Got another BFN last night and didn't even bother testing this morning. I'll probably test once more tonight but I know there isn't much point. Also, the Greek clinic hasn't sent me the letter I need to even have the blood beta tomorrow. I've asked for it three times. So I'm going to have to ask the doctor himself, because I can't actually even be seen by my doctor without it, and I can't stop taking the meds until the Greek clinic says so, and I really don't want to do any more injections.

Kaitlin and I are talking about pulling out all the stops... and by that I mean maxing out the HELOC and selling everything we possibly can and maybe floating the rest on a credit card... for one more shot over the summer. And if that doesn't work, I don't think we have any hope of getting pregnant. We can't afford to keep throwing money at this, at $8000 a pop. We may have to look into adoption - but I don't know if we'll have the money for it for a long time.

I'm going to work late tonight so that I don't have to go have dinner with my family. I just can't sit there with my pregnant SIL and pretend like I'm okay. I kind of don't want to see her, at least not for a little while... at least until I feel like I'll be able to do it without my heart shredding with envy and self-loathing.

Never in a million years, when we started this a year and a half ago, did I imagine it was going to come to this. I never thought I'd pour this much money and heart and time and physical bodily strain and stress into something and still come out of it as empty handed as when we began. Never did I imagine that I wouldn't be the first to give my parents a grandchild. It never occurred to me that we would actually FAIL. I guess I always thought at some point, somewhere down the line, we WOULD have a baby... we just had to keep trying.

But you can't make something happen just by trying. This is one of those times when the cheery "if you believe, you can achieve!!!" bullshit is exactly that. No amount of believing is going to give us a baby. Only money. Money, and luck. And even when I've been able to scrape one together, the other continues to ignore me.

Kaitlin's going to ask her Mom today to try and find out how serious this acquaintance of hers is about adoption. We would do it in a HEARTBEAT if she's serious, but it's such a delicate, uncertain thing that it doesn't seem possible it's going to pan out.

Anyway. That's where life is today. Empty, tapped out, and tired. But maybe we've got one more round in us. Just one...

IVF#2 10DP5DT - BFN is Imminent

Tested all weekend, all BFNs. Was super duper sick, too - don't know if it was allergies or a cold, but could not stop sneezing, itchy eyes, horrible headache and congestion, runny nose, the works. I've stopped peeing every ten seconds, which was one of the first signs during the m/c that told me it was over. I no longer feel nauseous, or really anything at all. All symptoms gone, and stark white negatives twice a day.

We're still doing the meds until my blood test on Wednesday, but I have no hope left. I know in my heart that it didn't work. And I feel... so defeated. So empty and exhausted and bitter. I'm supposed to go to two family events in the next week, where I will have to sit at the same table with my newly-pregnant SIL and listen to the family gush over her, while I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to scrape together enough money to go back for a third -- and likely final -- attempt. I don't want to go to the family things, and I'm probably going to chicken out and come up with some kind of excuse. I don't think I can handle it.

I might be able to pull off a third attempt over the summer. I sold some rims and tires this weekend on Craigslist for $200. I have an expensive doll and some handmade clothes and a ton of accessories that I bet I can get about $400 for - maybe more. I also think I might start designing, making and selling American Girl doll clothes on Etsy, as I think I can probably make some decent cash with it. Add to that at least one more royalty check, and maxing out my HELOC by pulling out the last remaining $5000 (putting me the full $20K in debt) and being as stingy as possible with money for the next three months, I think I can put together enough to go back again this summer.

The earliest I could go back would be probably July, because once the Greek docs tell me to stop the meds I have to wait for AF. Usually about 11 - 15 days into AF, they have me start Lupron - I'll need to order it and pay an extra $100 for shipping to get it in time. Then I wait for AF again, and start estrogen/progesterone right after, and I keep that up until the donor's cycle is lined up with mine and her retrieval happens. Then I go out there, get the transfer, come home... and do the TWW again.

And if it doesn't work... I don't know. We'll be completely tapped out, money wise. Maybe when we get a tax refund next year we can use it to start the process of adoption.

There's one very, very pale glimmer of another possibility - Kaitlin's mom apparently knows a young woman who is pregnant and considering giving the baby up for adoption. We told her to please, please let her friend know we would absolutely love to be considered as adoptive parents for her baby. It would be an open adoption, I'm sure, but the child would know who both his/her birth parents are pretty much their entire lives, and while that might be inconvenient a little for us, it would be invaluable, I think, for a kiddo to grow up with that sense of identity and self.

If this were to pan out, we'd have to do a home study, and probably a ton of legal/attorney fees. We might help the birth mother with her birthing expenses too. But there's an adoption tax credit that could then reimburse us maybe for the cost of everything, since we wouldn't have to pay an adoption agency to find us a birth mom. Travel expenses wouldn't be too bad, since I guess the birth mom is only about 5 hours away from us.

I guess it just sounds too good to be true, and I'm trying not to get my heart too set on the idea. But here we are with a pregnancy that's HERE, that's HAPPENING right now, and if there was any way... ANY WAY... that she would choose to give us this gift I would do anything to make it happen.

Anyway. Sitting at work now, trying to get back into the swing of childless day-to-day life. Wishing for a miracle. Wishing for another chance. Wishing to win the lottery.

IVF#2 7DP5DT - Still no pink line

I tested way too often yesterday... like, five times. All BFNs.

Felt nauseous, hungry, and sense of smell is now so far into hyper drive that my nose is stuffy and running, as if I have allergies. I still am smelling EVERYDAMNTHING, like it's an essential oil under my nose. I put the tiniest dab of perfume on this morning and I think I'm going to have to go wipe it off, because it's all I can smell. I had to put my dog's blanket in the wash before I left the house, because it (and therefore her) reeked of pee... ew ew ew. The scent of the air freshener in our bathroom (roses and marshmallow) actually woke me up at 4 AM and I could not go back to sleep.  O.o

I did come in to work super early, both because I was up at 4, and because I needed to clean my stinky fish tank so I don't have to sit here all day feeling pukey over the way it smells. Had cramps pretty much most of the day yesterday. Now they seem to be gone, and the only thing I'm currently experiencing is the hyper-sensitive nose.

But seeing those BFNs over and over has got me feeling pessimistic. Is it really possible to have ALL THESE SYMPTOMS - things I have never had before, even when I got my BFP last time - and still end up with a BFN?? Can I really be responding so much differently to the meds this round than last round? Don't people usually build up a tolerance for meds and get less sensitive to them rather than more? I know that the nausea, maybe even the sense of smell and vivid dreams and tiredness and hunger and all of that could be med-related, but can cramps really be related to meds? I know AF can't be coming, I'm on enough estrogen right now to probably hold off my period for like a year. :P (Seriously, I'm taking 12mg a day, and 800mg of progesterone a day...)

On the flip side, though, is it actually possible to have so many, many symptoms before the pregnancy's even far enough along to show up on a urine test? Has the pressure of TTC finally just broken my brain and now my body's actually experiencing pregnancy symptoms out of sheer hope?

Part of me feels certain we're having twins. Like... just... IF we're pregnant, it's twins. In fact, it's boy/girl twins. This is either womanly intuition or complete fantasy, I realize that, but there you have it. And part of me feels certain it's a BFN. That is mostly the bitter part, the part that really believes (fears) that the universe has no intention of ever letting me have this. That fate intends for me to grow old and die childless, and nothing I do is ever going to make a difference. I let my thoughts linger a little too long in that headspace and I quickly start getting depressed.

So I am trying to distract myself with things that are fun. For one, I am wearing another of my newly-thrifted outfits today. Yesterday I had a couple of people compliment my black and white outfit (even had one lady stop me in the hall and ask me to come back to her office with her so she could write down the name and location of the thrift store.) So today, being Friday and jeans-day at work, I am wearing jeans, a pink sweater with white lace sleeves, a long pendant necklace I bought in Greece with paper roses and a gold charm of the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, some dangly pink pearl earrings, and my Cinderella's-pumpkin-coach two-finger ring. Oh, and my super, super cute pink and white lolita oxfords. Had fun putting the outfit together, and I have a whole week of new outfits for next week to look forward to.

Also thinking about doll things, since I ordered a BJD (ball jointed doll) from AliExpress that appears to be about the same size/shape as an American Girl doll. Only the face is so much prettier, and she's going to be a lot more poseable, and I can't wait for her to arrive so I can get her measurements and see about buying and/or making clothes for her.

But what I really, really, really want is that second pink line. Pleasepleaseplease. My beta test isn't until 5/6, which is basically 12dp5dt, so I know that there's time still. But I think my heart could rest and rejoice, at least a little, if I could just get that second pink line. I know there'd still be the betas, and then waiting it out until an ultrasound and praying that I don't miscarry again... but all of that stuff is moot if that second pink line never shows up.

So... better just get started on the stuff that's on my desk, and make it through til lunch. I have decided I am only letting myself test three times today. And maybe only twice tomorrow... we'll see...

EDIT: So our system is down today, meaning there's a limited amount of work I can do besides making sure my staff are working (oh, the irony!) It also means I have an uncomfortable wealth of time in which to ponder my pregnancy status or lack thereof. I went back and reread my post from 7DPT last time - I don't think I was quite as anxious as I feel right now. I know I was sad and pessimistic, but I guess I forgot just how miserable the days of a TWW are. My brain swings from wanting to plan the nursery and google parenting tips for twins, to wanting to review our finances and calculate how much a third try will cost and how long it would take us to save up enough.

Sense of smell is still a little haywire, and now I have cramps and nausea again. Tired, and needing a fast-forward button on the clock so I can go home, or better yet, skip to next week so I can just find out once and for all whether this round is going anywhere. But I am trying to force myself to wait until later afternoon to test again, because after that I'll only allow myself one more test before going to bed. And my commonsense is jabbing me. "Dumdum!! STOP TESTING AT ALL! Just wait!!"

But I can't. I need that second pink line like an addict needs their next fix. And I feel like crying - temper tantrum, self-indulgent, whiny stampy things-aren't-going-my-way crying. And my stomach feels sick, even with all the saltines I'm putting in it. It's so unfair that it's possible for the meds to give you all the same symptoms as pregnancy. After so many TWW's with no symptoms at all, I actually am not sure which is worse - having none, or having like EVERY POSSIBLE ONE at once - because neither actually means anything.

Now, maybe... MAYBE, it's possible that the reason I'm reacting so strongly is that in addition to the meds my body's actually also making a bunch of its own progesterone and estrogen because I am more-pregnanter than I was last time. Maybe I'm on serious progesterone overload. Maybe???

Anyway, to make matters more difficult, Kaitlin's mom is in the hospital. Apparently she has a pulmonary embolism that could be very dangerous, so now Kaitlin's talking about taking a road trip this weekend (it's a 5 hour drive there) to see her. I guess we'll find out more tonight and decide...

IVF#2 6DP5DT Nothing yet...

Still jet lagged. Sigh.

Yesterday I was up by 3 AM. Did a little cleaning and a lot of laundry, even went outside and trimmed some branches from our blooming lilac tree and put them in a vase in the dining room... an hour later the entire house smelled like lilacs. LOVE this time of year!!

Then I decided I'd go do a little thrift store shopping, since I had the day off. Discovered that one of the stores near our house is under new management, and I swear they have a stylist or something choosing their selection, because they have a HUGE selection of really, really nice clothes. I ended up buying probably more than I should have :P and am now sitting here in a black-and-white outfit consisting of chevron striped skirt, sequined black tank, shiny black patent belt, and white blazer, and feeling very pretty and stylish. :P I had so much fun that when Kaitlin got off work around 2, I had her meet me there, and we found her a TON of fantastic new work clothes too! She hates clothes shopping, and doesn't have much spending money, but since she's now basically working as a substitute teacher every day she needs some nicer things to wear than her usual t-shirt-and-leggings combo.

Had a lot of dull, faint cramps yesterday, and less nausea - though it was still there, particularly around dinner time. The usual thirst/peeing, and that's about it. I told Kaitlin I wasn't sure whether I was super hungry or wanted to barf, LOL... Anyway, I stayed awake as long as I could but crashed at 7 PM. Had to wake up at midnight to pee, and then I couldn't really fall back asleep (body still says that midnight=morning time!) I did a couple more pg tests yesterday, and a few more in the wee hours of the morning. Still all BFN. Bummed myself out by googling and seeing that most IVF ladies were saying they had their BFP by 5dp5dt, and here I am at 6dpt with BFNs. Decided googling was not a good idea... after all, I didn't get my last BFP until 8dpt... and went back to bed. Got up when Kaitlin did at 4:30 AM.

Back at work today, in my cute little outfit, and was pleasantly impressed that there aren't really any messes for me to clean up. I have some work backlogged for me, but for the most part my staff really managed themselves well while I was out. Second time in a row that it's been "safe" for me to take a vacation... that is really encouraging.

So far today I seem to have developed a stronger sense of smell - I'm going to HAVE to clean out my fish tank (which is still empty, since my last fishie died during my m/c in January and I haven't had the heart to replace him yet). The water's just been cycling ever since,  but now there's some algae in the tank and I can smell it and it is making me sick to my stomach. I have to wait until after work hours, or else do it super early in the AM tomorrow (that's probably what I'll do, 'cause I'm going to need to go home early today. The jet lag is gonna catch up with me in a few hours...) but I can't do it when there are a lot of people around using the work kitchen sink. So for now I'm sitting here trying to ignore it. But in addition to that, I can smell the perfume I put on this morning, and when I was in the kitchen earlier I could smell the dirty dishes that a lady was washing and just about gagged. I have one of the least-sensitive noses EVER, so picking up on the smells around me is just plain weird, and not a symptom I had last time.

More nausea today, though it might be because of the smells. Some light cramps that have been pretty constant for the last couple hours (and may also be contributing to the nausea.) And this most recent pg test, while still a negative, looked a lot like it WANTED TO MAYBE POSSIBLY HAVE ANOTHER LINE??? The pink dye didn't travel very well across the test, so the whole test area is still light pink instead of stark white like usual, and at the very edge where the second line would be it looks like some of the dye maybe did get stuck... it's not enough to even capture in a photo. but maybe just maybe, my little hopeful heart is whispering, it's the veryveryvery early beginnings of a BFP??? Maybe???? Now I have to wait until I have to pee again to try with another stick.

Regardless, I did not have this many symptoms last time, at all. So either I am a lot more sensitive to the meds this round, or it's really all psychosomatic because I want it so much, or else I actually am pregnant. Though I thought you couldn't really get a lot of pregnancy symptoms until baby starts making HcG? I did not have daily cramps like this last time - and I'm on so much estrogen and progesterone right now that I highly doubt they're AF-related. I was like, almost a week overdue for my period BEFORE the transfer even happened, so I'm pretty sure the meds are going to hold her off until I stop taking them. And last time I didn't have even a hint of nausea, definitely not this weird smelling issue. BBs are a little enlarged but not particularly sore or sensitive. Drinking and peeing a lot... oh, and last week I had some weird vivid dreams.

Oh, TWW, how mean you are. Please to be giving me a BFP so I can stop obsessing??? PLZ??

Anyway, gotta call the doctor today and set up a beta blood draw for 5/6.  Just have to make it through the rest of the day with this nasty fish tank smell.... ew ew ew....