IVF#2 7DP5DT - Still no pink line

I tested way too often yesterday... like, five times. All BFNs.

Felt nauseous, hungry, and sense of smell is now so far into hyper drive that my nose is stuffy and running, as if I have allergies. I still am smelling EVERYDAMNTHING, like it's an essential oil under my nose. I put the tiniest dab of perfume on this morning and I think I'm going to have to go wipe it off, because it's all I can smell. I had to put my dog's blanket in the wash before I left the house, because it (and therefore her) reeked of pee... ew ew ew. The scent of the air freshener in our bathroom (roses and marshmallow) actually woke me up at 4 AM and I could not go back to sleep.  O.o

I did come in to work super early, both because I was up at 4, and because I needed to clean my stinky fish tank so I don't have to sit here all day feeling pukey over the way it smells. Had cramps pretty much most of the day yesterday. Now they seem to be gone, and the only thing I'm currently experiencing is the hyper-sensitive nose.

But seeing those BFNs over and over has got me feeling pessimistic. Is it really possible to have ALL THESE SYMPTOMS - things I have never had before, even when I got my BFP last time - and still end up with a BFN?? Can I really be responding so much differently to the meds this round than last round? Don't people usually build up a tolerance for meds and get less sensitive to them rather than more? I know that the nausea, maybe even the sense of smell and vivid dreams and tiredness and hunger and all of that could be med-related, but can cramps really be related to meds? I know AF can't be coming, I'm on enough estrogen right now to probably hold off my period for like a year. :P (Seriously, I'm taking 12mg a day, and 800mg of progesterone a day...)

On the flip side, though, is it actually possible to have so many, many symptoms before the pregnancy's even far enough along to show up on a urine test? Has the pressure of TTC finally just broken my brain and now my body's actually experiencing pregnancy symptoms out of sheer hope?

Part of me feels certain we're having twins. Like... just... IF we're pregnant, it's twins. In fact, it's boy/girl twins. This is either womanly intuition or complete fantasy, I realize that, but there you have it. And part of me feels certain it's a BFN. That is mostly the bitter part, the part that really believes (fears) that the universe has no intention of ever letting me have this. That fate intends for me to grow old and die childless, and nothing I do is ever going to make a difference. I let my thoughts linger a little too long in that headspace and I quickly start getting depressed.

So I am trying to distract myself with things that are fun. For one, I am wearing another of my newly-thrifted outfits today. Yesterday I had a couple of people compliment my black and white outfit (even had one lady stop me in the hall and ask me to come back to her office with her so she could write down the name and location of the thrift store.) So today, being Friday and jeans-day at work, I am wearing jeans, a pink sweater with white lace sleeves, a long pendant necklace I bought in Greece with paper roses and a gold charm of the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, some dangly pink pearl earrings, and my Cinderella's-pumpkin-coach two-finger ring. Oh, and my super, super cute pink and white lolita oxfords. Had fun putting the outfit together, and I have a whole week of new outfits for next week to look forward to.

Also thinking about doll things, since I ordered a BJD (ball jointed doll) from AliExpress that appears to be about the same size/shape as an American Girl doll. Only the face is so much prettier, and she's going to be a lot more poseable, and I can't wait for her to arrive so I can get her measurements and see about buying and/or making clothes for her.

But what I really, really, really want is that second pink line. Pleasepleaseplease. My beta test isn't until 5/6, which is basically 12dp5dt, so I know that there's time still. But I think my heart could rest and rejoice, at least a little, if I could just get that second pink line. I know there'd still be the betas, and then waiting it out until an ultrasound and praying that I don't miscarry again... but all of that stuff is moot if that second pink line never shows up.

So... better just get started on the stuff that's on my desk, and make it through til lunch. I have decided I am only letting myself test three times today. And maybe only twice tomorrow... we'll see...

EDIT: So our system is down today, meaning there's a limited amount of work I can do besides making sure my staff are working (oh, the irony!) It also means I have an uncomfortable wealth of time in which to ponder my pregnancy status or lack thereof. I went back and reread my post from 7DPT last time - I don't think I was quite as anxious as I feel right now. I know I was sad and pessimistic, but I guess I forgot just how miserable the days of a TWW are. My brain swings from wanting to plan the nursery and google parenting tips for twins, to wanting to review our finances and calculate how much a third try will cost and how long it would take us to save up enough.

Sense of smell is still a little haywire, and now I have cramps and nausea again. Tired, and needing a fast-forward button on the clock so I can go home, or better yet, skip to next week so I can just find out once and for all whether this round is going anywhere. But I am trying to force myself to wait until later afternoon to test again, because after that I'll only allow myself one more test before going to bed. And my commonsense is jabbing me. "Dumdum!! STOP TESTING AT ALL! Just wait!!"

But I can't. I need that second pink line like an addict needs their next fix. And I feel like crying - temper tantrum, self-indulgent, whiny stampy things-aren't-going-my-way crying. And my stomach feels sick, even with all the saltines I'm putting in it. It's so unfair that it's possible for the meds to give you all the same symptoms as pregnancy. After so many TWW's with no symptoms at all, I actually am not sure which is worse - having none, or having like EVERY POSSIBLE ONE at once - because neither actually means anything.

Now, maybe... MAYBE, it's possible that the reason I'm reacting so strongly is that in addition to the meds my body's actually also making a bunch of its own progesterone and estrogen because I am more-pregnanter than I was last time. Maybe I'm on serious progesterone overload. Maybe???

Anyway, to make matters more difficult, Kaitlin's mom is in the hospital. Apparently she has a pulmonary embolism that could be very dangerous, so now Kaitlin's talking about taking a road trip this weekend (it's a 5 hour drive there) to see her. I guess we'll find out more tonight and decide...