BFN

Results are in.

At least I can stop the meds now, and maybe that will help me get my emotions back under control, because right now I feel like a complete mess. Emailed the the Greek clinic. Asked how soon they would recommend we try again, asked how much a third attempt would cost, and asked for another Lupron prescription.

Starting over. Again. Alone in a hell of infertility that only Kaitlin knows about, while everyone else around me goes on merrily with their happy, fertile, normal, baby-rich lives.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be freaking Wonder Woman by now.

But first I'm going home to have wine. Hoping AF shows up soon, because in spite of the crazy progesterone I am feeling cramps, like my body is desperate for one... I am, after all, only like three weeks overdue. At this point it almost seems like it would feel like a relief.

IVF#2 12DP5DT - Beta Day

Another BFN on the HPT last night. Got up early this morning, let Kaitlin give me my heparin shot, took my meds, and went to the doctor's office for the blood draw. Just waiting to get the results this afternoon so that I can stop taking the medication. I have never wanted confirmation of a BFN more than I do right now. I know that we failed. But I wish I was wrong, so badly, that I am desperate for that piece of paper that tells me I can stop going through the motions. Stop taking the medication, stop wondering about every little twinge, stop worrying about cold medicine and coffee and alcohol and just get on with my still-childless life.

I don't remember the other BFNs being this hard. I don't remember being in this much pain while at work even during the miscarriage... probably because in that case, I took days off through the worst of it. I don't feel like I deserve days off for just another BFN. It's not like my life is over. I'm not even physically as uncomfortable as I am during a normal AF. I just feel a whole lot of nothing. A whole lot of empty. My emotions are on overdrive because of the estrogen, and I can't wait to be able to stop taking it.

My heart is so broken. I feel so broken. Thirty thousand dollars later, we are no closer to having a baby in our arms than we were when we started. I am tired and bitter and more sad than I know how to put into words. I don't know how to give up on this. Yet I don't know how I can keep going, either. How do people do this? How do they get through years and years of this? How do they AFFORD it?

All I want right now is retail therapy. After months of scrimping and saving and forgoing every little thing I wanted in order to add pennies to our TTC savings account, all I want is to buy anything that seems like it might make me feel better. And it's probably the worst and most self-destructive thing I can do, because money is what makes the TTC journey go round. I'm going to be paying off the debt we're already in for the next ten years, and we didn't even get a baby out of it.

Today is a sucktacular day, and all I can think about is getting to that test result - just a few more hours now, I can make it that long, right? - so that I can go home, hate my life, drink a bottle of wine, cry until I can't think anymore, and wake up tomorrow without meds, without injections, without hope. Right now the greatest happiness available to me will be hopelessness. At least if there's no hope, it doesn't hurt so much.

So I realize that writing all of this out, the fact that this is the way my heart really feels, the fact that this is, I guess, the whiny, bitter, self-centered person I actually am, is pretty revealing, isn't it? I don't like the person that I am right now. I don't want to be this negative. I don't want to be this angry.  I don't want to be such a diva about things that aren't going right in my life. After all, the world doesn't revolve around me. And I should be spending this time caring for other people's problems and sadness instead of wallowing in my own. One of the girls at the RE's office today called me a "trooper." I wanted to hug her and punch her at the same time. It's nice that someone might think of me that way, but I know it's a lie. Because I'm not trooping, I'm drowning in self-pity and failure and pain and jealousy and anger and tears.

I want to be a strong person, a courageous person who faces disappointment with love and kindness and selflessness and grace, but I'm not. I'm tapped out, I've got nothing left. Today it's all about surviving through the next ten seconds. And then the next ten seconds. And then the next. Until life has moved on enough that I can move on too.

So.

Once I get the results I'm not waiting for the Greek clinic to tell me to stop the meds, I'm just stopping. When I send them the results, I'll ask them for another Lupron prescription, so that I can order the meds again  - it will take a month or more to get them so I might as well get them ordered now. That will be another $537. I'll also ask her to tell me how long they would recommend I wait before trying again, and how much their fee will be for a third attempt. Then I spend the next couple of weekends selling everything possible on Ebay and Craigslist. I avoid driving anywhere I don't have to drive, I eat as little as possible and avoid grocery shopping for as long as possible. I don't buy anything else for my little doll or sewing supplies. When I get my next royalty check the whole thing goes into the TTC savings account. I just literally don't spend ANYTHING, don't buy ANYTHING, that is not absolutely necessary. I avoid seeing my family, especially my pregnant SIL, as much as humanly possible - which is going to be really difficult over the summer, since that's the time when we all have birthdays and get together monthly, and I don't know how I'm going to get out of all of them.

And maybe, just MAYBE, we'll be able to take another stab at this in July or August. It will be the last. If it doesn't work... It will be a year before I can even begin to hope to have enough money to do anything else. Of course, I keep saying that, and as soon as failure strikes I seem to come up with another way to find money. I suppose a fourth try could go entirely on a credit card, but that just seems really stupid. Though adoption fees... If I spent money on an adoption and home study before the end of this year, I think I could get it all pretty much back in taxes next year. So maybe that's what we'll have to do... try one more IVF, and if it doesn't work, sign up with an adoption agency, charge the whole fee to a credit card, then write it off on taxes so that we get it refunded... and wait to see if there's any birth mother out there who will choose us.

Funny, how all the IVF bloggers I've found and followed never really seem to talk much about the money part of their attempts. Maybe they have insurance covering them, or have a partner who's footing the bills, or someone lending it to them, I don't know. But I don't have any of that, and it's maybe the biggest stressor of this entire process, worse even than the hormones and the injections and the TWW.

And the only thing that keeps me going right now is knowing that if we ever DO get a baby out of all of this, it will all suddenly seem more than worth it. It would be something I would do over again without question, if I KNEW the outcome was going to be eventual success. But right now we're in that uncertain limbo where never-succeeding is still a very real possibility, and then all of this is going to be the biggest waste, the biggest losing bet, of my life.

Break's over. Have to get started on some actual work now... the last thing I need is to get fired on top of everything else.

IVF#2 11DP5DT - Still negative

Got another BFN last night and didn't even bother testing this morning. I'll probably test once more tonight but I know there isn't much point. Also, the Greek clinic hasn't sent me the letter I need to even have the blood beta tomorrow. I've asked for it three times. So I'm going to have to ask the doctor himself, because I can't actually even be seen by my doctor without it, and I can't stop taking the meds until the Greek clinic says so, and I really don't want to do any more injections.

Kaitlin and I are talking about pulling out all the stops... and by that I mean maxing out the HELOC and selling everything we possibly can and maybe floating the rest on a credit card... for one more shot over the summer. And if that doesn't work, I don't think we have any hope of getting pregnant. We can't afford to keep throwing money at this, at $8000 a pop. We may have to look into adoption - but I don't know if we'll have the money for it for a long time.

I'm going to work late tonight so that I don't have to go have dinner with my family. I just can't sit there with my pregnant SIL and pretend like I'm okay. I kind of don't want to see her, at least not for a little while... at least until I feel like I'll be able to do it without my heart shredding with envy and self-loathing.

Never in a million years, when we started this a year and a half ago, did I imagine it was going to come to this. I never thought I'd pour this much money and heart and time and physical bodily strain and stress into something and still come out of it as empty handed as when we began. Never did I imagine that I wouldn't be the first to give my parents a grandchild. It never occurred to me that we would actually FAIL. I guess I always thought at some point, somewhere down the line, we WOULD have a baby... we just had to keep trying.

But you can't make something happen just by trying. This is one of those times when the cheery "if you believe, you can achieve!!!" bullshit is exactly that. No amount of believing is going to give us a baby. Only money. Money, and luck. And even when I've been able to scrape one together, the other continues to ignore me.

Kaitlin's going to ask her Mom today to try and find out how serious this acquaintance of hers is about adoption. We would do it in a HEARTBEAT if she's serious, but it's such a delicate, uncertain thing that it doesn't seem possible it's going to pan out.

Anyway. That's where life is today. Empty, tapped out, and tired. But maybe we've got one more round in us. Just one...

IVF#2 10DP5DT - BFN is Imminent

Tested all weekend, all BFNs. Was super duper sick, too - don't know if it was allergies or a cold, but could not stop sneezing, itchy eyes, horrible headache and congestion, runny nose, the works. I've stopped peeing every ten seconds, which was one of the first signs during the m/c that told me it was over. I no longer feel nauseous, or really anything at all. All symptoms gone, and stark white negatives twice a day.

We're still doing the meds until my blood test on Wednesday, but I have no hope left. I know in my heart that it didn't work. And I feel... so defeated. So empty and exhausted and bitter. I'm supposed to go to two family events in the next week, where I will have to sit at the same table with my newly-pregnant SIL and listen to the family gush over her, while I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to scrape together enough money to go back for a third -- and likely final -- attempt. I don't want to go to the family things, and I'm probably going to chicken out and come up with some kind of excuse. I don't think I can handle it.

I might be able to pull off a third attempt over the summer. I sold some rims and tires this weekend on Craigslist for $200. I have an expensive doll and some handmade clothes and a ton of accessories that I bet I can get about $400 for - maybe more. I also think I might start designing, making and selling American Girl doll clothes on Etsy, as I think I can probably make some decent cash with it. Add to that at least one more royalty check, and maxing out my HELOC by pulling out the last remaining $5000 (putting me the full $20K in debt) and being as stingy as possible with money for the next three months, I think I can put together enough to go back again this summer.

The earliest I could go back would be probably July, because once the Greek docs tell me to stop the meds I have to wait for AF. Usually about 11 - 15 days into AF, they have me start Lupron - I'll need to order it and pay an extra $100 for shipping to get it in time. Then I wait for AF again, and start estrogen/progesterone right after, and I keep that up until the donor's cycle is lined up with mine and her retrieval happens. Then I go out there, get the transfer, come home... and do the TWW again.

And if it doesn't work... I don't know. We'll be completely tapped out, money wise. Maybe when we get a tax refund next year we can use it to start the process of adoption.

There's one very, very pale glimmer of another possibility - Kaitlin's mom apparently knows a young woman who is pregnant and considering giving the baby up for adoption. We told her to please, please let her friend know we would absolutely love to be considered as adoptive parents for her baby. It would be an open adoption, I'm sure, but the child would know who both his/her birth parents are pretty much their entire lives, and while that might be inconvenient a little for us, it would be invaluable, I think, for a kiddo to grow up with that sense of identity and self.

If this were to pan out, we'd have to do a home study, and probably a ton of legal/attorney fees. We might help the birth mother with her birthing expenses too. But there's an adoption tax credit that could then reimburse us maybe for the cost of everything, since we wouldn't have to pay an adoption agency to find us a birth mom. Travel expenses wouldn't be too bad, since I guess the birth mom is only about 5 hours away from us.

I guess it just sounds too good to be true, and I'm trying not to get my heart too set on the idea. But here we are with a pregnancy that's HERE, that's HAPPENING right now, and if there was any way... ANY WAY... that she would choose to give us this gift I would do anything to make it happen.

Anyway. Sitting at work now, trying to get back into the swing of childless day-to-day life. Wishing for a miracle. Wishing for another chance. Wishing to win the lottery.

IVF#2 7DP5DT - Still no pink line

I tested way too often yesterday... like, five times. All BFNs.

Felt nauseous, hungry, and sense of smell is now so far into hyper drive that my nose is stuffy and running, as if I have allergies. I still am smelling EVERYDAMNTHING, like it's an essential oil under my nose. I put the tiniest dab of perfume on this morning and I think I'm going to have to go wipe it off, because it's all I can smell. I had to put my dog's blanket in the wash before I left the house, because it (and therefore her) reeked of pee... ew ew ew. The scent of the air freshener in our bathroom (roses and marshmallow) actually woke me up at 4 AM and I could not go back to sleep.  O.o

I did come in to work super early, both because I was up at 4, and because I needed to clean my stinky fish tank so I don't have to sit here all day feeling pukey over the way it smells. Had cramps pretty much most of the day yesterday. Now they seem to be gone, and the only thing I'm currently experiencing is the hyper-sensitive nose.

But seeing those BFNs over and over has got me feeling pessimistic. Is it really possible to have ALL THESE SYMPTOMS - things I have never had before, even when I got my BFP last time - and still end up with a BFN?? Can I really be responding so much differently to the meds this round than last round? Don't people usually build up a tolerance for meds and get less sensitive to them rather than more? I know that the nausea, maybe even the sense of smell and vivid dreams and tiredness and hunger and all of that could be med-related, but can cramps really be related to meds? I know AF can't be coming, I'm on enough estrogen right now to probably hold off my period for like a year. :P (Seriously, I'm taking 12mg a day, and 800mg of progesterone a day...)

On the flip side, though, is it actually possible to have so many, many symptoms before the pregnancy's even far enough along to show up on a urine test? Has the pressure of TTC finally just broken my brain and now my body's actually experiencing pregnancy symptoms out of sheer hope?

Part of me feels certain we're having twins. Like... just... IF we're pregnant, it's twins. In fact, it's boy/girl twins. This is either womanly intuition or complete fantasy, I realize that, but there you have it. And part of me feels certain it's a BFN. That is mostly the bitter part, the part that really believes (fears) that the universe has no intention of ever letting me have this. That fate intends for me to grow old and die childless, and nothing I do is ever going to make a difference. I let my thoughts linger a little too long in that headspace and I quickly start getting depressed.

So I am trying to distract myself with things that are fun. For one, I am wearing another of my newly-thrifted outfits today. Yesterday I had a couple of people compliment my black and white outfit (even had one lady stop me in the hall and ask me to come back to her office with her so she could write down the name and location of the thrift store.) So today, being Friday and jeans-day at work, I am wearing jeans, a pink sweater with white lace sleeves, a long pendant necklace I bought in Greece with paper roses and a gold charm of the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, some dangly pink pearl earrings, and my Cinderella's-pumpkin-coach two-finger ring. Oh, and my super, super cute pink and white lolita oxfords. Had fun putting the outfit together, and I have a whole week of new outfits for next week to look forward to.

Also thinking about doll things, since I ordered a BJD (ball jointed doll) from AliExpress that appears to be about the same size/shape as an American Girl doll. Only the face is so much prettier, and she's going to be a lot more poseable, and I can't wait for her to arrive so I can get her measurements and see about buying and/or making clothes for her.

But what I really, really, really want is that second pink line. Pleasepleaseplease. My beta test isn't until 5/6, which is basically 12dp5dt, so I know that there's time still. But I think my heart could rest and rejoice, at least a little, if I could just get that second pink line. I know there'd still be the betas, and then waiting it out until an ultrasound and praying that I don't miscarry again... but all of that stuff is moot if that second pink line never shows up.

So... better just get started on the stuff that's on my desk, and make it through til lunch. I have decided I am only letting myself test three times today. And maybe only twice tomorrow... we'll see...

EDIT: So our system is down today, meaning there's a limited amount of work I can do besides making sure my staff are working (oh, the irony!) It also means I have an uncomfortable wealth of time in which to ponder my pregnancy status or lack thereof. I went back and reread my post from 7DPT last time - I don't think I was quite as anxious as I feel right now. I know I was sad and pessimistic, but I guess I forgot just how miserable the days of a TWW are. My brain swings from wanting to plan the nursery and google parenting tips for twins, to wanting to review our finances and calculate how much a third try will cost and how long it would take us to save up enough.

Sense of smell is still a little haywire, and now I have cramps and nausea again. Tired, and needing a fast-forward button on the clock so I can go home, or better yet, skip to next week so I can just find out once and for all whether this round is going anywhere. But I am trying to force myself to wait until later afternoon to test again, because after that I'll only allow myself one more test before going to bed. And my commonsense is jabbing me. "Dumdum!! STOP TESTING AT ALL! Just wait!!"

But I can't. I need that second pink line like an addict needs their next fix. And I feel like crying - temper tantrum, self-indulgent, whiny stampy things-aren't-going-my-way crying. And my stomach feels sick, even with all the saltines I'm putting in it. It's so unfair that it's possible for the meds to give you all the same symptoms as pregnancy. After so many TWW's with no symptoms at all, I actually am not sure which is worse - having none, or having like EVERY POSSIBLE ONE at once - because neither actually means anything.

Now, maybe... MAYBE, it's possible that the reason I'm reacting so strongly is that in addition to the meds my body's actually also making a bunch of its own progesterone and estrogen because I am more-pregnanter than I was last time. Maybe I'm on serious progesterone overload. Maybe???

Anyway, to make matters more difficult, Kaitlin's mom is in the hospital. Apparently she has a pulmonary embolism that could be very dangerous, so now Kaitlin's talking about taking a road trip this weekend (it's a 5 hour drive there) to see her. I guess we'll find out more tonight and decide...

IVF#2 6DP5DT Nothing yet...

Still jet lagged. Sigh.

Yesterday I was up by 3 AM. Did a little cleaning and a lot of laundry, even went outside and trimmed some branches from our blooming lilac tree and put them in a vase in the dining room... an hour later the entire house smelled like lilacs. LOVE this time of year!!

Then I decided I'd go do a little thrift store shopping, since I had the day off. Discovered that one of the stores near our house is under new management, and I swear they have a stylist or something choosing their selection, because they have a HUGE selection of really, really nice clothes. I ended up buying probably more than I should have :P and am now sitting here in a black-and-white outfit consisting of chevron striped skirt, sequined black tank, shiny black patent belt, and white blazer, and feeling very pretty and stylish. :P I had so much fun that when Kaitlin got off work around 2, I had her meet me there, and we found her a TON of fantastic new work clothes too! She hates clothes shopping, and doesn't have much spending money, but since she's now basically working as a substitute teacher every day she needs some nicer things to wear than her usual t-shirt-and-leggings combo.

Had a lot of dull, faint cramps yesterday, and less nausea - though it was still there, particularly around dinner time. The usual thirst/peeing, and that's about it. I told Kaitlin I wasn't sure whether I was super hungry or wanted to barf, LOL... Anyway, I stayed awake as long as I could but crashed at 7 PM. Had to wake up at midnight to pee, and then I couldn't really fall back asleep (body still says that midnight=morning time!) I did a couple more pg tests yesterday, and a few more in the wee hours of the morning. Still all BFN. Bummed myself out by googling and seeing that most IVF ladies were saying they had their BFP by 5dp5dt, and here I am at 6dpt with BFNs. Decided googling was not a good idea... after all, I didn't get my last BFP until 8dpt... and went back to bed. Got up when Kaitlin did at 4:30 AM.

Back at work today, in my cute little outfit, and was pleasantly impressed that there aren't really any messes for me to clean up. I have some work backlogged for me, but for the most part my staff really managed themselves well while I was out. Second time in a row that it's been "safe" for me to take a vacation... that is really encouraging.

So far today I seem to have developed a stronger sense of smell - I'm going to HAVE to clean out my fish tank (which is still empty, since my last fishie died during my m/c in January and I haven't had the heart to replace him yet). The water's just been cycling ever since,  but now there's some algae in the tank and I can smell it and it is making me sick to my stomach. I have to wait until after work hours, or else do it super early in the AM tomorrow (that's probably what I'll do, 'cause I'm going to need to go home early today. The jet lag is gonna catch up with me in a few hours...) but I can't do it when there are a lot of people around using the work kitchen sink. So for now I'm sitting here trying to ignore it. But in addition to that, I can smell the perfume I put on this morning, and when I was in the kitchen earlier I could smell the dirty dishes that a lady was washing and just about gagged. I have one of the least-sensitive noses EVER, so picking up on the smells around me is just plain weird, and not a symptom I had last time.

More nausea today, though it might be because of the smells. Some light cramps that have been pretty constant for the last couple hours (and may also be contributing to the nausea.) And this most recent pg test, while still a negative, looked a lot like it WANTED TO MAYBE POSSIBLY HAVE ANOTHER LINE??? The pink dye didn't travel very well across the test, so the whole test area is still light pink instead of stark white like usual, and at the very edge where the second line would be it looks like some of the dye maybe did get stuck... it's not enough to even capture in a photo. but maybe just maybe, my little hopeful heart is whispering, it's the veryveryvery early beginnings of a BFP??? Maybe???? Now I have to wait until I have to pee again to try with another stick.

Regardless, I did not have this many symptoms last time, at all. So either I am a lot more sensitive to the meds this round, or it's really all psychosomatic because I want it so much, or else I actually am pregnant. Though I thought you couldn't really get a lot of pregnancy symptoms until baby starts making HcG? I did not have daily cramps like this last time - and I'm on so much estrogen and progesterone right now that I highly doubt they're AF-related. I was like, almost a week overdue for my period BEFORE the transfer even happened, so I'm pretty sure the meds are going to hold her off until I stop taking them. And last time I didn't have even a hint of nausea, definitely not this weird smelling issue. BBs are a little enlarged but not particularly sore or sensitive. Drinking and peeing a lot... oh, and last week I had some weird vivid dreams.

Oh, TWW, how mean you are. Please to be giving me a BFP so I can stop obsessing??? PLZ??

Anyway, gotta call the doctor today and set up a beta blood draw for 5/6.  Just have to make it through the rest of the day with this nasty fish tank smell.... ew ew ew....

IVF#2 5DP5DT - home sweet home

Getting home this round has been quite the adventure.

3DP5DT: symptoms of really uncomfortable constipation, constant peeing, light nausea, big appetite, feeling weepy, and exhaustion. I got checked out of my hotel, hauled my luggage to the metro and rode it to the airport, and got checked in for my flight... but my flight was delayed. First for thirty minutes, then an hour, then three. After sitting there for six hours (and having to give myself the heparin was injection in the airport bathroom, which gave me nigh onto a nervous breakdown) they finally announced the flight would be cancelled as they couldn't get the plane working. They gave us all hotel vouchers, we had to go back out through customs and collect our baggage again, then they bussed us to the hotel. It was a really beautiful hotel, right on the sea, with amazing views...but at that point I was so exhausted I just wanted to sleep. I was also starving, though, so I had to stay up while they prepared dinner for us. It was a really delicious buffet, with free wine (that I couldn't have). But I ate it as fast as I could and went up to bed. Pillows were nicer than the ones at my other hotel, though the mattress was just as hard. Anyway, got to sleep for like 5 hours before we had to get up at 3:30 am. 

4DP5DT: symptoms of strong nausea- at morning and again at "night", exhaustion, feeling weepy, big appetite, thirst, constant peeing, light cramps. This was maybe one of the longest days of my life (literally.) We got up at about 3:30 in the morning, and the hotel served us breakfast at 4:15, piled us back into the buses, and took us back to the airport.

We went through check in, baggage check and passport control again. They assigned me a six hour layover in JFK, when I'd originally chosen my return ticket specifically for the short layover on the way home... Even paid extra for the higher price, which went to waste since I ended up with the 

layover anyway. Got onto the 10.5 hour flight to JFK. Watched three movies and an episode of television during the flight, before the bright screen in the dark cabin gave me a splitting headache. Also was starving, and pretty much devoured every last calorie they offered us on the plane and still felt hungry... And must have made the trek to that damn bathroom a jillion times. Also had to give myself the heparin injection in the airplane bathroom, which was a million times worse than the one at the airport. :/

Landing set off an awful bout of nausea, where I felt flushed and sick. It was made worse when we got off the plane and had to walk a good 10 minutes of corridors, pounding headache, feeling sick, having to pee with no bathroom in sight. Insult to injury, my right knee had been tweaked during the flight and so I was limping most of the way. We get to passport control - still no bathrooms - and have to wait in a 20 minute line to get through to baggage claim. Finally a bathroom! I took care of that first, went and got my luggage, waited in another line at customs to get my bag through, and immediately went around the corner and re-checked it for the connecting flight. Took a train and then had to walk outside between a couple of buildings to get to the next terminal, where I had to go through security again. 

At this point I'd been awake for about 16 hours, but it was only about noon in New York. My next flight wasn't until 6:45PM. I went to a sushi restaurant, paid way too much for a couple sushi rolls and some ginger ale, and then went to try and find a spot along the wall where I could lay down on the floor to rest. The first place I found was way too loud, with overhead music getting through even my earplugs, and I quickly became freezing cold, too. Got up, pretty damn miserable by this point, and found another spot in a sliver of sun at the base of a window. Laid down there, and slept for like three hours. It wasn't comfortable, but it was sleep... Finally had to force myself up, find my gate, and get ready for the last flight to Denver.

Got on the plane, but couldn't watch any of the inflight movies because my eyes ached. Couldn't really sleep either, because I couldn't exactly take ambien for a three hour flight. Yet those felt like the longest three hours of my life.

Finally we touched down, I went through the Denver airport circus of deplaning, getting to baggage claim, and finally finally met Kaitlin at the car outside. She'd brought my puppy with her <3 so I could cuddle her on the drive back. Pretty much burst into tears as soon as I was in the car. We stopped by a Wendy's to get food and came home, where I promptly dumped all my stuff and crawled into bed. And... Couldn't sleep, because now my body clock says it's daytime. 

5DP5DT - which brings us to today. 4 AM and I am wide awake. Took a pregnancy test this morning but so far it's a no-go. I was expecting that, this early, but  I was kind of hoping maybe for an early confirmation this time. Will keep testing over the next few days. I took today off of work but am supposed to go back tomorrow. Really don't feel ready. Kind of want the whole world on pause until I get the test results.

So happy to be home. Going to lose myself in puppy cuddles and daydreams today...

IVF#2 3DP5DT Headed home today

It's a struggle, when traveling halfway across the world, to figure out the right timing of meds and even the right count of how far I am past transfer. I had my transfer at about noon on Friday the 24th, here. But that equates to about 3 AM on the 24th at home. Which means right now, it is about 6:45 AM on the 27th here, putting me at about 3 days past transfer (or at least, I will be at noon). But it's only 9:45 at night at home, on the 26th, making it two days past there. Ay yi yi.... Also, I have to figure out my meds schedule on the way back. I take progesterone four times a day, estrogen three times a day, and a heparin injection once a day. I think I'm actually going to have to do the injection on the plane. YUCK. And it may end up meaning I have to start doing injections in the mornings instead of at night like I prefer, and oh, I really don't want to wake up to that. X.x I wonder if it would hurt to do one extra injection, about 12 hours after the first, so that I can transition back to a night schedule?

Anyway, here's what's been going down since the transfer. I got up the next day, got the rest of the money I needed from the ATM, took a taxi to Embio and picked up my meds (holy crap there are a TON), and took a taxi back to the hotel. Crawled back into bed for several hours, but went on a walk later that afternoon (about five or six blocks) to check out this amazing little toy store we'd passed on the way in. The store had beautiful vinyl dolls about four feet tall, dressed in little girls' dress-up clothes - some of the most elaborate dress up clothes I've ever seen, and I would have been DROOLING over them when I was a child. Anyway, the dolls were for sale (about 400 Euro, LOL). They'd been pretty well-loved already, most had marks on their faces and such, but they were so pretty! I would have loved to have one, but I think Kaitlin would find a four foot tall plastic child a little creepy. Anyway, then I walked about halfway back to the hotel, but made myself stop and sit at a Starbucks (with a decaf macchiato) for about an hour to rest before going all the way back. Back into bed, back to Netflix and websurfing (and freaking myself out about the possibility of triplets, OMG). Took a little walk a few hours later to eat dinner at a TGIFridays that I'd passed on my earlier walk. Ate an entire plate of ribs, and had lemonade WITH ROSE SYRUP IN IT that was unbelievably amazing. Gave myself the heparin injection after, which was awful. The needles are so much bigger than the Lupron ones, and they don't slide easily in. I have to like, stab... and keep stabbing hard... until it gets in where it's supposed to be.

Anyway, I started feeling cramping at bedtime. And somehow I just had this feeling it was implantation. In fact, I had this certainty that it was boy/girl twins and I was pregnant for sure. :P

Then yesterday, I got up, had breakfast at the hotel buffet, got dressed all cute and did my makeup and everything, and went back to Monastiraki to blow the remainder of my Euro. Bought a bunch of really cute jewelry, some small gifts for Kaitlin, and then found this place that sells pre-decorated fake nails in the Asian style (with 3-d flowers and jewels and stuff attached to them) for 2 euro per set. Bought like six sets of them because they aren't in the States, and are so cute. I might have to get some different nail glue, though.... not sure I trust the nail glue that came with them. And I might have to save them until after I get through a first trimester safely. Also, there was this enormous flea market going on, with people lining the streets with booths full of their jewelry-making and art and woodcrafts and so on, and they didn't have this the last time we were here, so it was pretty fascinating. But, it was a LOT of walking, and I kept having to stop and rest for an hour or so in between, both because my feet hurt and because I was really tired. Finally had to throw in the towel and get back to the hotel. Had dinner at the hotel restaurant, though I did go out for just one more block of walking so I could pick up one last dessert at the amazing bakery around the corner (which I put into my mini fridge and forgot to eat last night, so I ate it first thing this morning. Chocolate dessert breakfast, mmmmm.) Was feeling a lot less certain I was pregnant by last night.

Did have to pee like three times in the middle of the night, though. Yay, hormones.

So, today is travel day again. I'm going to go have breakfast in a bit, finish up my packing (somehow I've managed to get all those meds into my suitcase, but it was NOT EASY) and get to the metro so I can get to the airport. In for a LOOOOONG day of plan flights (about sixteen hours' worth) and three hours or so at JFK in between. But I am looking forward to seeing my honey and my puppy and sleeping in my own bed with my own comfy pillow tonight.

Not looking forward to the rest of the TWW. When I get home I have to set up a blood test for my beta, on May 6th. In the meantime I'm supposed to return to work. But, I'm not going back until Wednesday at the earliest... I need at least one day at home to deal with jet lag. I might just take two. It's not like I don't have the leave time saved up.

I don't know what to think about this round. It's been kind of nice, having this impromptu exotic foreign vacation as a part of the IVF experience. I do wish Kaitlin could have come... it's a little lonely by myself... and yet my little introvert heart has been kind of thriving on the alone-time. I am vacillating between terror of triplets, apathy about the whole damn TTC circus, certainty that we'll get a flat out BFN, and hope that this is finally it. The hope seems the most fragile of all, this shiny veiled dream sequence playing out behind a curtain, that I'm not actually going to get to touch. And there are moments when my imagination does take me there, and I live in that fantasyland with my BFP and heartbeat on the ultrasound and a joint pregnancy alongside my sister-in-law and a healthy baby (or two) at the end... but I don't know if my heart dares to actually believe it. It keeps telling me the scenario is (as my parents used to describe Santa Claus and the tooth fairy) "fun-pretend". Not something that's actually ever going to be mine, but I can enjoy pretending for a while if I want to.

Sigh.

I keep reminding myself that two weeks isn't that long. I waited much longer for this opportunity to come around again after the miscarriage. I can make it two more weeks. Not even that,  because the beta is actually set in 12 days post-transfer. I got my BFP on day 8 post transfer last time. And I know I'm not going to be able to resist testing around that time this round, although I dread how scary it will be if that second line doesn't show up on day 8, because I know what my brain's going to do with it.

Anyway, have to get up now and get dressed and moving. See ya'all when I'm stateside again...

IVF#2 CD29 D-Day

I have more pics to add to my prior post, but blogger isn't cooperating at the moment so I may have to wait until I get home. (EDIT: fixed! mostly food pictures, because I turn into a total foodie while I'm here...)

Anyway, I spent yesterday mostly sleeping. Got up around 7 first,  skyped with Kaitlin for a while and ate breakfast, and started feeling really dizzy and sleepy. I guess the progesterone? Went back upstairs and fell asleep until almost 11AM. Got up again, too the metro back to Monastiraki and did some more shopping. Spent more than I should on a few cute new pieces of clothing - pink flowy skirt, cute black hi-low shirt that says "You fill me MUCH BE@UTY" (oh, how I love Engrish!), a white and navy striped top with this dramatic sheer train-like back that says "Can you feel my heart?" and this absolutely gorgeous short black wool double-breasted coat that was on sale since it's now spring. Hearts. This particular shop had so many clothes I wanted - the cutest retro dresses, and these slash-front punk-looking tights, and lace and crochet and OMGOMG. I wanted the whole store, so when you think about it, I did very well limiting myself to just a few pieces, yes?? :)

Only got approached once by one of the African scammer guys. I'd almost forgotten about them, but they're all over the square. Basically they approach women, especially foreigners, and start out with a loud, cheerful greeting and a lot of friendly flirting. They reach for your hand, and once they've got it, they tie an ugly friendship bracelet thing on, shower you with more compliments, offer prayers for you and your future boyfriend, and then ask for money in exchange for their blessing. Last time we were here we got caught by them once unawares and ended up giving them a couple of euros... When they tried it every single night afterward, it got old really fast. One of them got my wrist one night and would not let go, and Kaitlin actually had to shout at him to get him to back off. Anyway, one of them came up to me yesterday too, but I told him no very loudly and turned and walked away before he managed to get more than a couple of words in. I sat at a cafe for lunch/dinner and watched a group of them pulling their schtick on a few of the other diners nearby. Thankfully they left me alone this time. Ugh.

Anyway, after eating I came back to the hotel with the intention of resting a little, maybe showering and going out to get a dessert before bed, but no... I was so tired I pretty much passed out. Woke up for about an hour or so around 10:30PM, then went back to sleep.

And today... Well, I didn't sleep very well last night, mostly due to excitement. Woke up before my alarm, took a shower and skyped with Kaitlin for a little while. Went down to breakfast, then out to find an ATM. Unfortunately my bank limits how much I can withdraw per day - I need 408 Euros for my meds, but could only get 200. Sigh. Took the metro to Embio, got there early and hung out for a while in the waiting room.

The wait times were a LOT shorter this time. There was no pre-meeting with the doctor like last time. They took me upstairs, had me change into the little robe, and took me straight into the procedure room - no waiting. But then everything happened so fast... The doctor came in, said we had three embryos (two good, one average) and he was putting all three in. I asked him if we could limit it to two and he pretty much blew me off, said we'd probably only get one out of the three and this increased our chances. I think all three were already in the catheter and they couldn't have taken just one out at that point. So here I am sort of stunned that we're ending up with three, after all the times Kaitlin and I had debated and decided on only two. But, he's already prying me open and damn it is uncomfortable and I'm trying to stay relaxed and not think about it. There was less pressure and pinching than I remember, though, and it seems like it went a lot faster. He suddenly pronounced we were done, did a few more really uncomfortable things and removed the speculum. They wheeled me back into the waiting room, and this time they came to get me after about 30-45 minutes instead of letting me sit for over two hours. Also, no bitter Italian lady next to me, which was a plus. :P

I still haven't seen the egg donor's profile, and I think I am going to have to come back tomorrow in order to pick up my medicine. So now I am sitting back downstairs again, waiting (I assume) to meet with the nurse and maybe the doctor again before I go. I need to ask the nurse what time I can come back tomorrow, and also if she can email me the donor's profile. I also need instructions on what meds to take... I think I will have to start giving myself heparin shots now. *shudder* I'm hoping I'll get one meeting with the doctor before I go, so that I can ask him how many days along the embryos are. I'm guessing five, like last time, but it would be nice to know. I also need to know if it's ok for me to walk back to the metro, or if I need to take a taxi. If I need to take a taxi I need one of them to call one for me, because I don't have a working phone here.

So, I'll be hanging out pretty much exclusively at the hotel for the rest of my time here. Once I finish whatever we're doing next I'm going to go get some food... Hungry again! Another update in a little bit...

EDIT:
So, I met with the nurse and doctor. 5-day embryos, like last time. They upped my dose of estrogen, added the heparin, and I'm going back at 10AM tomorrow to pick up the meds. They didn't want me walking to the metro station, so I managed to flag down a taxi and was pleasantly impressed that because I'd chosen a better hotel location this time the taxi fare was under 6 Euros. At the last hotel it was close to 20! Got back to the room, dropped my things off, went and had a sandwich and fries at the hotel restaurant. Came back to the room with the intention of watching some Netflix and instead fell asleep for four hours. O.o I don't remember being this tired during my last IVF, but maybe it's because of jet lag and the fact that I'm traveling alone without any planned activities, so everything in general feels really relaxed?

Anyway, got up and walked just around the corner from the hotel to get a salad for dinner and another of those amazing desserts. Came back and gave myself the heparin shot, which was NOT fun... the needle is a lot harder to insert than the Lupron needles were, and it definitely hurt more. I have to do this like two or three more times before I get to have Kaitlin start doing it, too. Yuck. Now I'm hanging out in bed again, surfing the internet. I'll probably stay up for a bit tonight since I took such a long nap.

Oddly, I'm feeling kind of emotionally numb. I think maybe my brain doesn't want to really get excited until we know whether this is going to stick. It taunts me with the possibility of a flat out BFN, as if I was never even here. The odds actually are that I WILL get pregnant, but I think my heart is so tired of the roller coaster of TTC that it's hard to actually believe it's going to work.

Luckily, I don't think my personal beliefs have one whit of influence on whether I get pregnant or not. :) So, fingers crossed, everybody. Please please please universe, be kind to us at last, and let us take home a baby from this one.

Bring on the 2WW!

IVF#2 CD27, Part Deux

So today I took the metro to Monastiraki, and wandered around the shops, and got a fish pedicure and a manicure (at a different place this time, it was upstairs in one of the buildings and much more spa-like in atmosphere. They had a gorgeous three-legged white Persian cat with one blue eye and one yellow eye. I tried to get a picture of him, but it was too dark in there. The lady said he lost his leg by falling from a seventh story. O.o) 

Also found the cutest pair of pale blue, lacy flats from a street vendor for five Euro (around $6).

Then I went and found Embio, and had an ultrasound (this time I was prepared for how fast he was, so it wasn't as startling.) He also pronounced my endometrium "very good," at 12mm. My embryo transfer is going to be on Friday at 10 AM, so I'll probably spend tomorrow wandering around too, since after the transfer I'm pretty much staying in bed at the hotel until it's time to go home.

After that I went back to Monastiraki again for dinner, and found a nice little outdoor cafe - they're so much nicer in April when it's not raining and cold! Ordered something called giaiurtlou kebap, based entirely on the picture on the poster outside the building, and it was AMAZING. Basically it's sausages on a pita,smothered in cream & cheese sauce. Oh my god it was good. I swear Greece has the most amazing food...

Afterwards I stopped by the requisite souvenir shop. Picked up a couple gifts for Kaitlin and a white Aphrodite-style sundress that I'd been eyeing the last time I was here. Took the metro back to my hotel and picked up an incredible dessert on the way. Did I mention THE FOOD HERE??? Holy crap the CHOCOLATE.

 

So now I am going to watch a little Netflix and probably take a bubble bath, since my hips and knees and feet are tired from all that walking. Hey, gotta burn off all these calories somehow, yeah?

If you have to nearly bankrupt yourself doing IVF, I am telling you, ladies, this is how to do it. I really miss Kaitlin and my tiny dog, but wow, so far I am having a pretty darned amazing time. Now if only this round will work!

IVF#2 CD27 In Greece

After a long flight, and a ten hour layover in JFK (oh my gosh that was mind-numbing) I finally made it to Athens. Retrieved my luggage, got through customs (they actually stamped my passport this time, yay!) and found the metro. Rode the metro and got off at the right stop, ALL BY MYSELF. I feel like a big girl.

Bragging rights end there, though, because once I emerged from the metro station I got turned around - and walked blocks and blocks and blocks in the wrong direction, dragging my suitcase, until I saw signs indicating I had almost reached the Acropolis. I realized I was going the opposite way of where I needed to be, turned around, walked ALL that way back to the metro, and figured out what had happened - the metro station was on the opposite side of the street from where I had expected. See, I had thought that I would be clever and Google-street-view the route from the metro to my hotel so I'd know what it looked like. But the one  most important bit - which direction to go from the metro station - had been determined by what side of the street I thought the metro station was on. Ahhh!

Anyway, it was a long and sweaty walk, dragging my suitcase across town, but I made it to the hotel finally. I like this one more than the one we stayed at last time. It's much quieter and there is NO SMELL OF SMOKE - the one last time was reeking of it. I have my own private little balcony (though it's kind of covered in rain puddles right now) and carpet on the floors (the other hotel had only hard floors) and a bathtub (the other hotel had only a tiny shower.) I plan to take a bubble bath one of these nights... Now I will find out in an hour or so if their breakfast is as good, since breakfast was the best part about the last place we stayed. There are also more outlets here to charge all my stuff. Like the last hotel, you have to use your key card to turn on the electricity, so there's only power while you're actually in the room - that means I can only charge my stuff while I'm in here, so usually only while I'm sleeping. Don't like that much, but one thing that's different is that you also have to use your key card to get the elevator to work. I do like that - it's a little extra security, and it's nice for a girl who's traveling by herself. The one drawback is that the beds are too firm for my taste, but I guess you can't have everything. :P

Once I got here, I had to go through the process of connecting my little laptop to the Wifi and downloading iTunes. Thankfully, the WiFi connection is fantastic. But my iPad had died - as in, would not turn on and was just flashing the Apple logo at me - while I was in the Denver airport. So I had to download iTunes on my computer, connect it to my iPad, and update the iOS. Luckily that was all it needed. I didn't even have to do a restore - once I updated it, it went back to working like it's supposed to. Then I learned that my computer will not play nice with the USB hard drive Kaitlin let me take, that has a ton of movies on it. That was really disappointing, since I'm not planning on leaving the hotel much while I'm here and all the channels on TV are either in Greek or the BBC news... but, I then found out, through the magic of Google, how to access Netflix from here and so now I am quite a content girl.

Anyway, took care of my computer issues, had lunch/dinner around 3 in the downstairs restaurant, came back up to the room and took a nice long shower, and went to sleep about 7 or so. Woke up this morning bright and early at 5:30, skyped with Kaitlin for a little while, and went down to breakfast. Now I'm sitting in bed, waiting for it to warm up a little outside so I can decide if I want to go downtown or not. Also waiting for an email from the Greek clinic... I still don't know when they want me there. SIGH.

So far so good. I am so nervous that this isn't going to work. Trying so hard not to think like that, but all of this is a little overwhelming... Just have to take it one waiting-period at a time, I guess.

IVF#2 CD25 Headed Out

Sitting at the Denver airport now, waiting to catch my red eye flight to JFK. Plane leaves at 12:30 AM and arrives around 4:30 AM - but it will be 6:30 AM there. Then a ten hour layover at the airport before I can grab my flight to Athens.

I actually managed to give myself two of the Lupron injections this week, in preparation for having to stab myself while I'm traveling. Then, as it turns out, the injection for today is to be the last one. I start progesterone tomorrow, though I still don't know when the transfer date will be. My Greek coordinator looked over the ultrasound scan from Friday and pronounced my endometrium "very good", so that's encouraging.

Still, traveling alone is kind of hard. When I got on the airport train I shared a car with a couple who had a very new, tiny baby. And I'm hoping so much that this trip is going to turn into a baby for us too, one that I get to keep. I also know that it's all really a matter of luck.  And somehow the plane flights and airports and hotel and all the other stuff that's so exciting about travel seems a lot less fun to do alone.

Anyway, at least I can be glad to finally be at that moment that felt like it would never come, the day when we get to try again. I am full of wishes tonight.

IVF#2 CD22 Almost There

This week has been insanity.

First off, until I started my estrogen, I was experiencing all kinds of side effects from the Lupron that I didn't the first round - primarily hot flashes and insomnia. Once I started taking the estrogen, those have mostly subsided. Now I am just dizzy and exhausted. Starting to get back to that point where I have to pee a lot, too. Feeling bloaty. Sleeping like the dead, though, as if my body's trying to make up for all it missed in the last few weeks, so getting out of bed in the morning is nigh on to painful.

We're practicing, every night, to work me up to being able to give myself the injection. Kaitlin fills one of our used syringes with water and I stab it repeatedly into a dog toy. Still dreading stabbing myself, but hoping if the angle, hand position, and all of that gets to be familiar it will be slightly less scary. Kaitlin has a thing to do tonight and won't be home until late, so I *might* just test to see if I can do it myself tonight. We'll see. Right now if I think about it too hard it gives me shudders.

I bought my plane tickets and hotel. I wired the fee to the Greek bank. I'm working my ASS off at work trying to get things settled for my leave - thankfully my boss is being really awesome about it and I am SO grateful. Naturally, this is the week that everything has decided to blow up. I had to fire a person last Friday, for the first time ever, so we're short handed. Now I'm trying to interview a temporary replacement and do onboarding, plan ahead for onboarding of another new person whose first day is the first day of my leave (ack), trying to prep my staff and my boss to be able to take over all the different irons-in-the-fire that are going on. I still haven't made a packing list, or gone to the bank to buy Euros, or been able to make it to the courthouse to pick up my name change paperwork.

On the plus side: we cleaned out the garage this weekend and it damn near sparkles. Oh, it makes me happy to come home from work and open up that garage door and see things neatly stacked and hung and a swept floor and everything looking orderly and groomed. *happysigh* I have an ultrasound appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning - it'll be pricey, but the last one before I get to Greece. Planning on swinging past the courthouse on my way into work afterword, and picking up that name change paper. I spend the weekend packing, doing my bank run, and generally making sure I have everything I need to leave. Oh, and trying to prep my sleep schedule to minimize jet lag, if I can.

Here's the fun part. Kaitlin drops me off at the airport at 10 PM on Sunday. My flight leaves just past midnight, and drops me at JFK at approximately 4 AM our time. I have a 10 hour layover, then back on the plane at 2 PM our time and off the plane at 9:30 AM Athens time (which is approximately midnight here.) I'll be in Athens for a week, and back on the plane the following Monday.

Still don't know what day the transfer is happening. Praying that our donor has good eggs, that we get at least two good embryos, that everything goes smoothly and that I don't get kidnapped and murdered while I'm traveling alone. O.o Oh, and that I can stomach (ha, ha) giving myself the injections.

Added the cost of all our latest stuff to the costs page and we've hit the $29K mark. I must really, really want this. I sure do hope it works this round.

Right now I'm so tired and things are so crazy that all I can really focus on is the next thing on my to-do list. I know I'm going to be super bored while I'm there, but right now I'm really looking forward to at least the first day or two of nothing-to-do!

IVF#2 CD15 Progress

Long tiring day at work... Seems like we get nice reprieves for a while, but when the client complaints do come, they come all on the same day. It might feel more stressful than usual because I'm trying to think ahead to when I'll be out, too.

Anyway, good news! My IVF coordinator emailed early this morning with estrogen instructions. I'm to start taking it tomorrow, on a steadily increasing schedule. I have to have another ultrasound on the 17th, so I'll have to call my RE here for an appointment... This time Embio sent me the letter i need right away, though, so at least I don't have that to worry about.

I know I have to get a flight out on the 20th, 21st at the very latest, so that I can be sure to get more Lupron in Greece if I need it. She says the earliest I'll be able to leave is around the 27th-29th but it will take a few more days for her to be more specific. I may have to ask for two full weeks off, and then come back to work early if I get back in town in time. I told her I can wait until Monday for a more specific tpdate, but then I really need to buy tickets and get a hotel room before everything is sold out.

I ended up working late, until almost 8 pm, because of how crazy the day was. So now I'm pretty foggy in the head and hopefully will be a little more on top of things tomorrow. I'm going to try and leave work early tomorrow so I can go get that missing paper for my name change...

Also google-maps-street-viewed the metro stations in Athens that I'd need to use if I were going to take the metro to Embio instead of a taxi. I think I could make the walk without getting lost. We'll see how adventurous I am feeling once I'm there. Since I will have almost nothing to do, a couple of stretches of walking and a metro ride might actually feel like a nice diversion.

Anyway, gearing up for tonight's injection and then I'm headed to bed -- so tired!

IVF#2 CD14 - Name Change and Other Developments

I was supposed to get an email from my new IVF coordinator today with instructions about Estrogen (and hopefully some idea of the dates I have to be in Greece) but didn't hear anything. Sent an email, but won't get a reply until probably early tomorrow morning because of the time difference. Here's hoping she gets in touch and we don't have another stressful period of silence...

I went to the bank today and finalized the transfer of 4800 Euro to the Greek clinic. Also hoping everything goes smoothly and that the 4800 is accepted, since that's what they originally quoted me.

I finally, finally got my IRS background check back for my name change. You know, the paperwork I started right after I got my BFP in December. So I took a long lunch yesterday and went to the county courthouse, about 20 minutes and 20 miles from work, to file the paperwork. Got it filed and paid my $120, only to be told that the judges were on lunch and if I wanted to wait, I could get it signed. I couldn't wait, because I had a meeting at work I had to get back to. They said okay, if I could get back by 4:30 I could get it signed then.

Drove back to work, went to the meeting. Left the meeting a little early so I'd have time to drive BACK to the courthouse, where first the lady told me the judges had closed at 4, then the other lady said she might be able to squeeze me in. Sat there for about 15 minutes and the court clerk called me upstairs - judge signed my petition. They set a review hearing for 5/22, so I have to go back then to have the final order issued.

Drove home with my paperwork, ready to send it off to the publisher in order to meet the 3-weeks-of-published-notice requirement. Realized when I got home that they gave me only one of the two documents I need. So now I have to find another day when I can either come in late or leave early so that I can go back to the courthouse, pick up the second document, and fulfill the publication requirement before I leave the country. Ugh. Really annoyed, because it means a lot of gas and time away from work, and the courthouse is only open during the times I'm supposed to be at work.

In the meantime, I got a phone call yesterday morning that my sister-in-law is pregnant. She and my brother have only been trying for about 6 months. And while I am happy for them - I truly am - and I know they're super excited and they deserve to be, I had to retreat into my own space for a while to process. Twenty five grand we've spent on this. Pills, injections, more doctors' visits than I can count, being probed and stabbed over and over again. Flights and hotel and wiring money and ordering meds overseas and traveling halfway around the world... finally, FINALLY getting pregnant only to lose the baby... and we're no closer to our baby now than we were fifteen months ago when we started all this.  Yet after six months, my brother and his wife get pregnant, easy as that.

I know the world isn't always fair. I know that just because we're struggling with infertility doesn't mean the rest of the world should have to. And I don't wish this awfulness and stress on anybody. But it does make me rage at the universe, a little. I want a baby so badly. I feel, though I know it's ridiculous and irrelevant, that surely we've "earned" pregnancy by now. Surely it should be our "turn". Surely the world should be more fair than this.

I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I was a bigger person. I wish I was graceful and kind and loving and generous and selfless. I want to be joyful and patient through all of this, to just sit back and enjoy the adventure, the mystery, the anticipation, the exotic foreign travel. Yet I'm mad, and I don't even have anyone to be mad AT.

But there is a silver lining. If this next round works my SIL and I can be pregnancy buddies... we can share our experiences throughout the stages of pregnancy, and have our babies at almost the same time, and end up with cousins super close in age. That would make for a fun time at family gatherings, since they'd have automatic playmates. I might even allow myself to believe, if this next round is successful, that that's how it was meant to be.... that maybe the REASON I miscarried, the reason we've had to wait so long, is because fate always meant for us to have babies at the same time.

It's just really hard to keep up hope right now. I'm so afraid of hoping. I'm so afraid of giving up. I'm so tired, tired, tired of the nonstop uncertainty. I'm afraid that all this fear is going to keep me from getting pregnant, in and of itself. Getting pregnant was supposed to be fun. Changing my name was supposed to be fun (it's high time I got rid of my ex's last name and moved on with my life.) Having my next book published was supposed to be fun, but somehow I think my skin has gotten thinner, because every negative comment is getting to me and they never used to before.  Not good. You can't be any sort of creative professional and be that sensitive.

My self-confidence is taking such a beating these last few days, and I just want to curl up and hide until it's over. I need something good to happen. I need some success to come at me and reassure me that I don't suck as a human being. Of course, I'd be more than content to continue to let the world keep beating me up in exchange for a sticky BFP this time.  I could take anything the world throws at me with a happy heart, if only I could just get pregnant again and get to keep it.

If I hadn't lost my baby, I'd be at nineteen weeks or so right now. Almost halfway there. It's hard to imagine. Is it normal that the more time goes by, the MORE you miss a baby that you were barely even pregnant with?

Anyway, I can't think about that for too long or I start crying again. Forward. Have to think forward. I will be in Greece in a week and a half or so. I'll have days to myself to loaf around a hotel, hopefully swim in a pool, read books, write, surf the internet, SLEEP - whatever I want. We have another chance, when I didn't think that we would for a long time. And nothing I do can change fate. I follow my med protocol, I get my butt to Greece, I show up to get my embryos, I stay healthy and hydrated and nutriented and restful. That's all I can do. The rest is just a roll of the dice and a prayer.

IVF#2 CD6 - Incredibly stressful weekend

Oh my gosh, has this been a stressful weekend.

First off, I ran out of my Ambien prescription and got hit by a bout of insomnia that sucked the life out of me. A total of about sixteen hours of sleep over the course of six days left me hallucinating and feeling kind of stoned... miserable, overly emotional, and pretty much nonfunctioning. I left work early on Friday because I couldn't concentrate, and called in sick yesterday for the same reason. Finally, yesterday afternoon, I got in to see my doctor. She refilled my prescription and gave me 5 refills this time (hallelujah!!) so I waited around for three hours for Walgreens to give me that precious bottle before going home, eating dinner, and going to bed. Sure enough, the first blissful, full night of sleep I've had in a week. I feel like a human being again!

I'm going to refill this prescription every thirty days for the next six months. I won't use the tablets nearly that fast - I actually rarely need them - but I'm going to have the maximum number possible on hand so that hopefully I never, ever run out again. Being that sleepless for that long is maybe one of the most miserable states I've ever been in. Ugh.

Anyway, in the middle of all of this I get a call from my RE. They say that they made a mistake in my last cycle by billing my insurance for the scans and bloodwork - since I've moved on to IVF, and my insurance doesn't cover IVF, they were supposed to charge me the full amount. Therefore, they'd be "happy" to continue to provide me with the scans, but it will cost me $487 every time. Personally, I think they're just doing this because I'm "not their client anymore." My insurance didn't cover IUI either, but they still billed insurance for the ultrasounds then... I think they kind of don't want to work with me anymore and are hoping I'll go away.

I just about lost my mind. That's almost $1500 more for this cycle than I had budgeted, and there's nothing I can do to argue with them. But we're already halfway through the Lupron protocol -- quitting now means wasting $400 in medicine that I've already taken. So there's no choice, I just have to put the scan costs on my credit card. However, I'm going to try to get to Greece a little early after all so that the last scan can take place there, where it's included in the cost of my overall treatment. I'll end up taking more time off of work, and spending extra nights in the hotel, but it still will cost less than $500 for the stupid scan.

To make matters worse, I hadn't heard back from the Greek clinic at all for days. They wanted me to have a scan on CD3, but my RE wouldn't see me unless I brought a letter from the Greek clinic ordering the scans. My Greek coordinator wasn't answering any of my emails. Finally I emailed Dr. Paraschos himself, from the contact form on the website, and he answered right away - apparently my coordinator is on leave for a while and someone else was supposed to be checking her messages. He made sure I got the letter I needed. I got in for the u/s yesterday, which was CD5 - at least he said he thought that would still be okay.

So, I went in for the u/s yesterday - since I'd already called in sick, at least I didn't have to try and leave work for the appointment - and paid them their freaking $500, and got the scan and blood draw. This morning I got an email from the RE that they tried to email the results to Greece and it bounced back (they didn't cc me like I'd asked) so I forwarded the results directly to my substitute coordinator. She was responsive, thank God, and said she'd be in touch around Friday with more instructions.

Add to that the fact that my Lupron shipment, which was supposed to arrive over a week ago, had still not arrived (and finally came in on Saturday, I had to drive to the post office to pick it up on Monday because we weren't home when they tried to deliver it),

To sum up, insomnia, RE money problems, Greek communication problems, and worry about getting my meds in time all combined to make me a ball of emotional anxiety the entire weekend. I tried chilling out using every meditative practice I could think of, playing solitaire for hours on end, reading (when my exhausted eyes would cooperate) and generally taking it easy. But oh, I am so SO SO grateful that I now have a bottle of Ambien, a good night's sleep, my meds safely stowed away, and communication re-established with Embio. I also got paid today, so I have been able to pay off some of the debt that's been stacking up on my credit cards.

Overall I'm feeling like the sun has finally broken through a cloud, and things are going to be okay. Still mad about the ridiculously expensive ultrasounds. But in a couple weeks I will be in Greece, getting two more embryos transferred, and the chances are 60% - better than half - that at least one is going to implant. At least we GET the chance to roll the dice again, because there's a zero % chance we'd get pregnant without doing this.

I also did some research into adoption. Found an agency (lifelongadoptions.com) that specializes in LGBT couples. Adoption is also crazy expensive... maybe just as much as we've already spent on this... and I don't actually know if we would be able to find the money. But it's nice to know that it could be an option, if this round doesn't stick either.  Trying not to stare too hard into that future, because right now it's really hard to think that this one might not work.

Spending today feeling grateful <3

IVF#2 CD1 - Here We Go

AF arrived last night, so first thing this morning I emailed the Greek clinic requesting written orders for the ultrasound/bloodwork they need, and then called the RE clinic here for an appointment. They did make an appointment for me for Saturday at 8 AM, though she didn't sound very enthusiastic about it. *sigh*

Also, my Lupron shipment still hasn't arrived, and I'm getting nervous. If it doesn't get here by Monday I may have to order another bottle and pay the $99 for one-week shipping, just to be sure I have a bottle here on time when I run out of the one we're currently working on. Irritating.

In the meantime, I should get started on wiring the money for this next round to the Greek clinic. I'm going to wait until next week, though, because I'm trying to decide exactly what to do about the amount they asked for. Her first couple emails said the cost would be 4800 Euro. Then, in her most recent email, she said 5000 Euro instead. I think she's forgetting her original quote, and I am tempted to just send them the 4800 and see if they say anything about it. I can always bring the rest with me in cash and pay them when I get there if they won't give me the embryos without it. But I think it's a little underhanded to quote someone one price and then come up with another a few weeks later. :/

I'm also stuck in another round of insomnia right now. I ran out of Ambien, and made an appointment with my doctor but they couldn't get me in until next Monday. So I've been chopping my last remaining pill into bits in the attempt to make it last longer... I took a quarter of a pill last night but it wasn't strong enough so I still didn't sleep. I have another quarter of a pill I can take tonight, and that's the last of it. My regular OTC sleeping pills aren't working, nor is the melatonin I take nightly... so I have several more sleepless nights to look forward to. Ugh. I'm at work today in a daze, colors and lights and sounds swirling around my head. I've been having a hard time concentrating this week in general, what with the PMS and the excitement/nervousness of starting another cycle and the insomnia. I'm grateful that my boss is on vacation this week, though - it takes some of the anxiety and stress out of it, at least.

I'm having dreams about being pregnant, having a baby. I'm daydreaming about it in the car on the way to work, on the way home. I'm trying to imagine, too, the emotions if we get a BFN this time, because imagining the scenario helps me prepare for the possibility that it might happen. At the same time, it feels like it just has to work this time. It just HAS to. After all, it already worked once. We just need one chromosomally-sound embryo -- just one of two -- that will stick around and see us through to a baby. It has to work. Right???

Kaitlin and I talked about numbers again. We're sticking with two. No matter how badly we want to get pregnant, neither of us is prepared for triplets, nor are we prepared to do a pregnancy reduction if three embryos were to stick. While the doctor thinks that's unlikely, we saw all the pictures of triplets on his office walls. It feels irresponsible to opt for three when we KNOW we aren't prepared to accept it if they all stick. But I also know that, especially because I'll be there alone, I'm going to face a last-minute moment of temptation. I'm sure the doctor's going to recommend three again. And I want that second BFP so badly that I know a part of me is going to be whispering "just risk it!" I keep asking Kaitlin to re-affirm that two is the right decision. I'm sure it's probably annoying, but I need to pound it into my head before I get over there and face that moment of desperate longing alone.

Anyway, it feels like it's been a hundred million years since January, yet mid-April still feels a hundred million years away. It occurred to me this morning that, if this works, this may be my last AF for a good long while. God I hope so. It occurred to me that, if this works, in about six weeks I'll have that stack of positive pregnancy tests on my counter again. If this works, in about two months I'll see a heartbeat on an ultrasound, and somehow I know that all the horror and grief of the last few months will be more than made up for by the sight of that one tiny little pulse.

If the universe will just please, please, PLEASE throw us a bone this time...

IVF#2 - Still waiting for AF

I am expecting AF today, but so far she hasn't showed. We've been doing Lupron shots for a week now, and we're opening up our second bottle of meds, and the bottle I ordered on 3/5 still hasn't arrived yet even though the USPS tracking says it was in Chicago on 3/16. Starting to get a little nervous. I have enough meds for two more weeks. SURELY the new bottle will arrive by then...??

Once AF shows I have to call my RE's office for an ultrasound and bloodwork. I'm not looking forward to explaining to them that I miscarried in January. I'm hoping, though, that AF is going to come today, because then I can get an appointment for Friday. If it doesn't come today I'll need a weekend appointment, and that's only going to make my already-somewhat-unfriendly RE even unfriendlier.

I am a blur of emotions right now (part of the reason I know AF is coming, LOL). I am excited and hopeful... even have moments where I'm absolutely certain that this is going to be it for us, that I'm going to have a few relaxing days in Greece, come home and get another string of positive pregnancy tests a couple weeks later, but this time NO BLEEDING, NO CRAMPING, NO SCARIES. Just two weeks, BFP, a couple positive betas, four weeks of excited bliss, a first ultrasound showing a perfectly normal developing sac (or two), and on to morning sickness, more ultrasounds, and relatively smooth sailing for the next nine months.

 But I am also still angry, maybe even a little in disbelief over January's loss. It still feels incomprehensible that I'm not pregnant anymore. I should have a baby the size of an avocado right now. I should be wearing maternity clothes, decorating a nursery, and heck... I might know the baby's gender by now. I should be posting weekly bump photos to Facebook and keeping a pregnancy journal and just... celebrating life.

Instead I'm planning another trip to Greece. Quietly, trying to keep it as short and low-key as possible. I'm trying to think of it as a nice little mini-vacation, a chance to read, work on my next book, rest - and not think of it as a long, exhausting, lonely, somewhat scary trip to a foreign country all alone where I don't speak the language and have to figure out how to call taxis by myself and whether it's safe to walk a few blocks from my hotel at night to eat dinner alone.  And in that sense I feel sad, and scared, and maybe a little depressed. While I do have moments where I'm certain it's going to work, there are just as many moments when the fatalist in me is equally sure that I'm going to go, force myself to stab my own stomach with a needle, go through the pinchy-pressure of the transfer all alone, fly for hours and hours and hours and hours, only to get a BFN two weeks later and be no closer to having a baby than I am right now and completely broke, with months and months and months to go before I can try for a third and final time. Or worse, I get pregnant and miscarry again. I keep thinking about that bitter Italian lady that I got stuck next to during the two hour recovery time at the clinic - how it was her second attempt and she spent most of the time talking about how she was sure it wasn't going to work. I hear a lot of her in my own thoughts right now and I don't like it. One resolution - I am for SURE not going to allow myself to burst the bubble of anybody else while I'm there. I may not be able to keep the negativity out of my own head, but I am sure as heck not going to plant it in anybody else's. That's just mean.

I want to cry. I also desperately want to hope, but only if this time is actually going to result in a baby. I'd rather not have any hope at all than go through that disappointment again. But it's not like I can really complain, since I'm the one who's choosing to stay in this game. That means I'm choosing to risk more disappointment, which is still more appealing right now than the thought of giving up. So I may be feeling bitter and disgusted with the universe, but I guess I still must have hope in there somewhere. As much as I'd like to throw my hands in the air and exclaim theatrically that I'm DONE, as much as I hate hate hate the idea of false hope, I must not have really given up yet... because I'm going back. That has to count for something, right?

The excitement of my new book launch has mostly worn off. In a sense it feels a little anticlimactic, actually, because it doesn't feel like I've gotten as much feedback as I guess I was expecting. I've been filling the time in the past few days with designing Disney-princess-themed work outfits on Polyvore and trying not to think too much. I'm taking my prenatal faithfully, along with a slew of other vitamins. I filled my mini-fridge at work with salad stuff. I'm trying to drink water, though I'm not very good at it. I'm trying to stay focused at work, though I'm not doing a good job of that this week either.

I'm tired today, and highly emotional, and also restless. So basically, PMSy. The one thing that I do know is that while right now the moment of truth feels so far away - end of April/beginning of May, probably, before I'll know if this round works - it will eventually get here. Time keeps marching on. Not as fast as I want it to, I'm still really wishing for that fast-forward button - but it will eventually get here, and I'll have my answer for better or worse.

If it works, the due date would be early January next year.

I just have to keep my eye on next month's calendar, and keep making it through the days. Someday when I'm old and gray I'll probably look back at this time and wish that I'd spent more time enjoying the days I did have instead of wishing they'd hurry by. Perspective is such a tricky thing.

Gearing up again

AF showed up again on February 28th, so I emailed Sotiria at the Greek clinic. We're starting Lupron again on the 18th of this month, and she anticipates we'll be back in Greece around April 16thish.

It's not as exciting this time, for a lot of reasons. I think Kaitlin and I are still pretty emotionally raw from our January loss. This has been a long and very expensive journey, and with Kaitlin currently between jobs and no real light at the end of the tunnel for either TTC or work at this point, she won't be able to come with me this time. While our December trip was a romantic vacation with babymaking thrown in, this time it's more of a super-long-flight, giving-myself-shots-with-a-needle-phobia, sitting-through-the-clinical-stuff, hang-out-alone-in-the-hotel, super-long-flight-again kind of trip. I don't think I'll be doing any tourism at all this time around. Just going, having the transfer, and coming back, and spending as little time as possible away from work and home. Where the first trip was thrilling and exotic, this one's utilitarian and lonely.

But still, I am so very grateful that I was able to get a big enough tax return, and that my bank was wise enough to advise me to get the Travel AMEX card that is now letting me buy a plane ticket for half the cost, and that I have leftover meds that won't go to waste and will make this round less expensive... At least we do get to try again, and so it could be much worse. But I think both Kaitlin and I are hesitant to feel hopeful. While we'd give anything for this to be our round - a BFP, a healthy and sticky pregnancy, and finally that baby in our arms after all of this - it's just as possible that we'll go through all this again just for another BFN. Or another miscarriage. The dice could roll any which way, and oh my gosh I am just so mad at the dice right now.

I've been sick for almost three weeks now - nasty cold/flu thing, with nausea, awful and varied sinus symptoms, and a general feeling of exhaustion and lack of energy. I'm only just beginning to really come out on the other side of it, with just a stuffy nose to deal with, and so I suppose I can also be grateful that I'm not pregnant right now. I can use my cold medicine and nasal spray without guilt or worry. And if April is successful, one of the upsides would be that I'd be a lot less likely to have to sit in misery through a cold while pregnant, because the pregnancy will skip over my usual cold season (January - March).

If April was successful, our baby would end up with a New Year's birthday (somewhere around January 7th.) So no 2015 baby for us either, though at this point I would settle for a Christmas and New Year's with a baby almost here.

So, right now the only thing on my TTC to-do list is to order more Lupron to make sure that I have enough before the treatment starts, and I just placed the order - $228. That should give me enough meds to last until I get to Greece, and I'm going to be getting everything else I need while I'm there so that I don't have to go through the headache of trying to order them here or ration my leftovers until they arrive. I'm anticipating I'll have two or three more bloodwork/ultrasound appointments to make here, and then the trip itself, and then another TWW that is going to be infinitely more difficult than the last one, because we won't be gallivanting around Greece or preparing for Christmas in the meantime... just waiting to see if we get a BFP for the second time in a row.

For all my worries about having twins, I'll admit that at this point I think I would be happy just to get to keep my baby -- or babies. Funny how the things that felt so important when this started - baby's birthday, how many babies we'd have, which donor we'd use, even finding out baby's sex - all feel really trivial right now. Maybe this is the universe's way of teaching me what's really important.

So... treatment in about two more weeks. A month of that, and another transfer. Please, universe... PLEASE???