Gearing up again

AF showed up again on February 28th, so I emailed Sotiria at the Greek clinic. We're starting Lupron again on the 18th of this month, and she anticipates we'll be back in Greece around April 16thish.

It's not as exciting this time, for a lot of reasons. I think Kaitlin and I are still pretty emotionally raw from our January loss. This has been a long and very expensive journey, and with Kaitlin currently between jobs and no real light at the end of the tunnel for either TTC or work at this point, she won't be able to come with me this time. While our December trip was a romantic vacation with babymaking thrown in, this time it's more of a super-long-flight, giving-myself-shots-with-a-needle-phobia, sitting-through-the-clinical-stuff, hang-out-alone-in-the-hotel, super-long-flight-again kind of trip. I don't think I'll be doing any tourism at all this time around. Just going, having the transfer, and coming back, and spending as little time as possible away from work and home. Where the first trip was thrilling and exotic, this one's utilitarian and lonely.

But still, I am so very grateful that I was able to get a big enough tax return, and that my bank was wise enough to advise me to get the Travel AMEX card that is now letting me buy a plane ticket for half the cost, and that I have leftover meds that won't go to waste and will make this round less expensive... At least we do get to try again, and so it could be much worse. But I think both Kaitlin and I are hesitant to feel hopeful. While we'd give anything for this to be our round - a BFP, a healthy and sticky pregnancy, and finally that baby in our arms after all of this - it's just as possible that we'll go through all this again just for another BFN. Or another miscarriage. The dice could roll any which way, and oh my gosh I am just so mad at the dice right now.

I've been sick for almost three weeks now - nasty cold/flu thing, with nausea, awful and varied sinus symptoms, and a general feeling of exhaustion and lack of energy. I'm only just beginning to really come out on the other side of it, with just a stuffy nose to deal with, and so I suppose I can also be grateful that I'm not pregnant right now. I can use my cold medicine and nasal spray without guilt or worry. And if April is successful, one of the upsides would be that I'd be a lot less likely to have to sit in misery through a cold while pregnant, because the pregnancy will skip over my usual cold season (January - March).

If April was successful, our baby would end up with a New Year's birthday (somewhere around January 7th.) So no 2015 baby for us either, though at this point I would settle for a Christmas and New Year's with a baby almost here.

So, right now the only thing on my TTC to-do list is to order more Lupron to make sure that I have enough before the treatment starts, and I just placed the order - $228. That should give me enough meds to last until I get to Greece, and I'm going to be getting everything else I need while I'm there so that I don't have to go through the headache of trying to order them here or ration my leftovers until they arrive. I'm anticipating I'll have two or three more bloodwork/ultrasound appointments to make here, and then the trip itself, and then another TWW that is going to be infinitely more difficult than the last one, because we won't be gallivanting around Greece or preparing for Christmas in the meantime... just waiting to see if we get a BFP for the second time in a row.

For all my worries about having twins, I'll admit that at this point I think I would be happy just to get to keep my baby -- or babies. Funny how the things that felt so important when this started - baby's birthday, how many babies we'd have, which donor we'd use, even finding out baby's sex - all feel really trivial right now. Maybe this is the universe's way of teaching me what's really important.

So... treatment in about two more weeks. A month of that, and another transfer. Please, universe... PLEASE???