Overheard at work today

A client and her babies just left our office. one of my staff goes into another's office.

V: L, do you want another baby?
L: NO
V: How about twins? Twin babies?
L: NO
(another staff member) J: oh my god those babies were so cute, they make me want grandchildren!
V: I know, right?
J: And they're such good babies.

Meanwhile I'm sitting in my office, so glad that I didn't see the kiddos this time. I used to absolutely love visits from our clients' babies. But right now it's just really, really hard.

And in the meantime, I am getting to enjoy period cramps.

Today kind of sucks.

EDIT - And.... scratch that, because my staff did call me to come up front and see the babies. Twin girls. Absolutely gorgeous. Almost makes me not mind the idea of having twins myself, so much.

If, you know, my body would ever cooperate enough to even get us to an embryo transfer.

SIGH

Unexpected wrench in the plans

SIGH. Nothing seems to go the way we plan, does it?

So while I am waiting for my medications to arrive - having paid $99 for fast shipping in the hopes that they would get here tomorrow - lo and behold, AF shows up yesterday afternoon. *facepalm*

Seriously, this is the shortest cycle I have ever recorded - only 16 days from AF to AF. I am hoping against hope that it is because this is the first cycle I have had all year that wasn't on some sort of a medication - no birth control, no clomid, no Follistim - and maybe my body is sort of hitting its own reset button.

But my period has started, and the meds aren't here. I don't know when they're going to arrive - I got an email saying they successfully charged my credit card, but the charge isn't showing up on my card yet and the status of the order still says "received", not "shipped." I was supposed to have the meds by tomorrow, so now I just don't know. I'm supposed to do an ultrasound between days 2 and 4 of my period, so if the meds don't show today or tomorrow I can't even get an ultrasound appointment set up in time.

If they don't get here soon, I think this cycle is a bust. We'll have to sit it out, and plan our trip to Greece for end of December-ish. Not sure if that means the plane tickets will be less expensive, but thank God I hadn't bought them yet. Anyway, it will be so disappointing if we have to wait, but at the same time, I don't want to get in a hurry and end up wasting the money we're throwing at this. I want to give this the best possible chance of being successful.

So now we wait - and watch the mailbox.

In other news, Kaitlin just got a seasonal job yesterday, working for The Sharper Image at a ritzy high-end mall. It's not her dream career, but it will pay about as much as she's receiving right now from unemployment. So it's something, anyway... and buys time to keep searching for a job she really wants.

I was supposed to work on book edits the last few evenings after work, but I've just been so tired and uninspired. I need to make sure I get some work in on it tonight, though... the deadline's coming up so quickly. As for Halloween, I haven't really bothered with decorations at home or at work this year. I think we're just going to sit at home, dress my puppy up in one of her costumes, hand out candy and watch Ghostbusters. The house is such a mess, but I haven't had the time or energy to clean and probably won't for several more weeks.

At least things at work are relatively quiet for the time being. I've been able to keep up with most of what I need to, and my bosses aren't breathing down my neck right now since they have other bigger issues in other areas that are keeping them occupied. That gives me a little breathing room to just focus on getting my work done and gaining some ground with my staff before their sights get set on me again.

Oh, and I got a new fish for my office tank. He's a blue betta with some red roots to his fins - really pretty, and so very soothing to watch him fluttering around the tank. I have named him Takumi. He is the most uplifting thing I have going on in my life at the moment. Sad, I guess, but I'll take 'em where I can get 'em, yeah?

Meds ordered

So ordering meds turned out to be way, way more complicated than I'd expected. Apparently American pharmacies will not fill overseas prescriptions, and my RE's office said they could not reissue the prescription since I am "no longer their patient."  Ugh. Add to that the fact that I don't know enough about these meds to confidently be sure that I'm ordering the right thing from an online pharmacy, and that most of the online pharmacies (from Israel and other overseas places) say it will take them 2 - 4 weeks to send me the drugs, and I had a hell of a time on Friday figuring out how we were going to make this happen.

I finally found one site, IVFMeds.com, that has an "express shipping" option. Not a lot of info about how it works, other than that it supposedly ships in 3-5 business days rather than 10 - 14. Had to pay an extra $99 for that - I'm hoping it means it will ARRIVE within 3 - 5 business days and not that it will be another two weeks after shipping before I get it... but there wasn't enough info on their site and the company was closed for the weekend by the time I found them. So I just placed the order. I went with Lupron (which the Greek clinic says is an acceptable substitute for decapeptyl) and Estrace (which is the British version of progynova) and I had my Greek clinic send me an updated prescription for both, which I uploaded to the pharmacy. I did find out that apparently the Greek clinic is open on weekends, because they sent me an email both Saturday and Sunday. Haven't heard from the pharmacy site yet but I'm hoping maybe today?

I don't know if the meds are going to get here in time for Thursday, though, which is when the Greek clinic wanted me to start on them. I guess we have to wait and see. Once we know when I actually start my meds, and my period, then I think we'll find out when the transfer date is, and I can order plane tickets and the travel package and things will really be rolling.

I am so nervous that this isn't going to work - after spending all this time, money and effort - and I think I will just cry if we get home from Greece and my period shows up.

But I am really, really looking forward to taking a vacation - I haven't had one in two years so it's well overdue and will be so nice to get away from work for a while.

In the meantime, I spent all weekend sewing feverishly for the upcoming SCA event. I'm making a robe for my apprentice sister, since she's being honored at the event, and I got it cut out and assembled except for the bands of trim. She's mailing me some red silk thread to use to put a little embroidery on the trim, so I'm waiting to get that and do the designs before trimming it. Her robe was pretty simple and I finished it pretty quickly, so I spent the rest of the weekend working on a new Tudor gown for me - I've been meaning to make a "tourney" tudor, one with faked underlayers, lighter weight, out of cheap substitute fabrics that I can wear to look fancy and pretty but also take to camping events if I so desire. I really like the way it's turning out so far. The only thing that's left is to assemble and attach the remaining half of the skirt, hem it, do a couple tweaks to the forepart and add some undersleeve snaps, and I'll have it ready for the event. I should be able to finish that and Liepa's robe next weekend... and the following weekend is the event.

I am going home after work every day and working on the edits for my book. Only up to chapter three (GAH) but I spent a lot of time making the first "hot and heavy" scene a lot stronger and more emotionally charged... Once sewing and this event are done, all my other weekends will be dedicated to edits between now and December 1... Hopefully just in time to take the Greek trip.

In the meantime, one of my staff is out all week this week so I am up to my eyeballs trying to cover her phone calls and finish two months of case reviews in one week, and then next month do all of my staff's annual performance reviews before it's time to leave for Greece.

So my life is pretty much crazy hectic for the next few weeks. Which is probably good, because it keeps me from sitting around stressing while I wait to find out if this donor egg thing is going to work...

Time for an update - treatment should be starting soon

So here's what's happened in the last week:

My estrogen, STD and ultrasound results were forwarded to the Greek clinic.

The clinic sent me a prescription for the medications they want me on: decapeptyl, progynova, and utrogestan. After a lot of googling and calls to my pharmacy, turns out this is basically Lupron, estrogen and progesterone. So today, I have to call my RE's office and see if they will issue me prescriptions based on the Greek prescriptions, so that the pharmacy will honor them. I'm a little concerned about the cost of the Lupron, which looks to be about as expensive as the Follistim was. :(

I closed on my HELOC, and there is now $15,000 sitting in my bank account. But I also have $3500 sitting on my credit card. Between that and the cost of these meds, plus the $7000 procedure, $1200 for freezing leftover embryos, $2800ish for two plane tickets, and about $1800 for hotel/tours and the
like... plus what will probably be $2500 in meds, we're looking at around $18,000 in debt when it's
all said and done. Ayyy. I'm sincerely hoping I'm overestimating some of these costs. It's still probably $10K less, or more, than doing a procedure with a donor egg over here. But I will be so devastated if this doesn't work.  X.x

The clinic sent us the website of the sperm bank they work with (http://dk.cryosinternational.com) and asked us to pick a donor. Kaitlin and I fell in love with one profile in particular, a redheaded actor/comedian with such a delightful personality -- only to learn that we wouldn't be allowed to choose him because he hadn't chosen to be exclusively anonymous, and Greek law will only allow us to pick from anonymous donors. So it was back to the drawing board last night, and we spent probably three hours going over the other options. Finally settled on another red-headed guy. Kaitlin really likes the idea of giving our kiddo the chance at red hair. And the names we've picked out are strongly Irish, so it does seem like it would be apropos, somehow. I emailed the clinic again last night with our second choice, here's hoping it goes through.

I've been emailing with a Greek travel agency as well (www.fantasytravelofgreece.com). We're going to get a touring package, to make the most of the money we're already spending just to get to Athens. At first I was really hoping to do an island tour - especially Lesvos, which I've always wanted to see - but most of the islands aren't very active in the winter, and apparently traveling between them is a bit rough and expensive. So rather than spend most of our time on a ferry or waiting at airports, we're just going to do an expanded tour of Athens and the nearby area instead. The package includes a half-day tour of the Acropolis, a four-day "classical" tour of neighboring areas like Olympia, Delphi and Meteora, and a one-day island cruise between three of the smaller islands, in addition to hotel stays. I did ask them for less expensive hotels, as it's not the bed we sleep in that I want to spend my money on. So we've narrowed it down to the package and hotel bracket we want, and I just need the actual
transfer date so I can buy plane tickets and make reservations.

It's looking like the trip is going to happen end of November / beginning of December. I'm actually hoping for December, because the last week of November is Thanksgiving and the cost of plane tickets goes up several hundred dollars. Ugh. But I don't really get to dictate to my body, or the egg donors, what I want the timing to be. I guess we just see how it plays out.

The Greek clinic asked for some photos of myself, I guess so that they can narrow down their list of egg donors and send me a few options to choose from that are similar to me in appearance (and available).  I'm waiting to hear back from them on that.

Now, add to all of that the fact that I got the edits for my next book back from my publisher, and they want them returned by December 1; and there is a big SCA event in two weeks that I'm trying to make an appropriate dress for AND do some work for my apprentice-sister who's being elevated to Laurel (it's a really big deal in the group); and all my staff's annual performance evaluations have to be completed next month before I leave on a vacation; and I am feeling just a wee bit overwhelmed with trying to coordinate everything.

Still, it feels nice to think that we're taking action, above and beyond the "let's take some meds and throw some sperm in there and wait to see if it takes, knowing it's unlikely" approach that we've had all year. I am praying to every power in the universe that might be listening that this will work (and work the first time, and work with just one embryo.) Who would have ever thought that getting pregnant would be this hard??

Tests this morning

I went to the RE this morning and had another blood draw and ultrasound. They printed out the Greek clinic's email, and they're going to email the results to them for me.

In the meantime, I got an email back from the Greek clinic. They're quoting a price of 5500 Euros (about $7000) which does not include freezing of leftover embryos or my own meds. I was expecting that it wouldn't include my meds, but a little confused that it doesn't include the freezing. Their website says that an embryo donation IVF will cost 4800 Euros, so I was assuming the extra 700 was for freezing... if it isn't, and I have to pay an extra 1000 like they've quoted, then I'll have to adjust my budget by about $1000 in order to account for the freezing of leftovers. Eeep. Doesn't mean I'm not moving forward with it, but I did send her an email back asking where the extra 700 Euros came from. I wonder if the prices on their website aren't up to date?

In addition, she said that their success rate is that about 60% of patients get a positive pregnancy test, and the live birth rate is 46%. But I am wondering if that is with donor eggs, or if that's their overall clinic's success rate including ladies who do IVF with their own eggs. Their website specifies a 70% success rate with donor eggs, which leads me to believe that either they are inflating their rates for their website, or else the number she's quoting me includes both standard and donor egg IVF. Anyway... if the birth rate is 46%, then that would mean that 76% of their positive pregnancies result in a live birth, or just over 3/4 of them. That sounds about right. But it does leave some food for thought. If 60% of patients get a positive test, it stands to reason that many of those patients opted for a 2-embryo transfer rather than just one. I am curious to know what the success percentage is for those patients who opt for just one... is it about the same? And I am curious what percentage of those live births were twins?

I may ask her these questions later, or just save them for the discussion when we're actually in Greece, about how many embryos to put back. A lot of it will depend on the quality of the embryos that result, anyway. If we get at least one really high-quality one, then I think we'll just transfer that one. If they're all somewhat questionable quality, then I might risk 2.

Anyway, I've been keeping an eye on the exchange rate, too. It's 1.28 right now. If it drops to 1.26 or lower I may go ahead and try to change my USD into Euro while the rate is lower. They're predicting that it will be at 1.24 next month, and continue to decrease, so I figure I should probably wait as long as I can to make payments in the hopes that the rate will keep dropping in the next few months. For example, today 5500 Euro is $7040 USD. But if the rate were to drop to 1.24, it would be only $6820 USD -  a $120 difference. And that $120 could cover nearly three of my ultrasound co-pay appointments here. :P So while I am waiting for test results and more information from the Greek clinic, I am entertaining myself with budget planning - LOL.

Kaitlin and I are looking through the Cryos International sperm bank now, to find the donor we want. So far the front-runner is a red-haired actor/comedian/gamer geek, whose profile is utterly charming and full of personality. Since both the names we have picked out are strongly Irish, it wouldn't hurt to have a red-headed kiddo. :P

Now to wait for the Greek clinic to get my test results so we can see what happens next...

Getting the ball rolling

I did get an email back from the Greek clinic, Embio, this morning. They asked me a list of questions about myself and my health history, and requested ultrasound, estradiol, HIV, Hep B and Hep C test results.

So, I called my RE, let them know that AF has shown again, and made an appointment for this Thursday for what has pretty much become the routine - ultrasound and bloodwork. Once I get the test results they get emailed to the Greek clinic - and then I guess we see what happens from there.

The clinic quoted me a cost of 5500 Euro for what they call "embryo donation IVF". It's a little different from typical embryo donation, in that we get to pick the donors, and the egg donor's cycle is synced with mine, and the transfer is done with fresh, never-frozen embryos. I did ask them if they'd clarify for me whether their 70% success rate is per-embryo (meaning that 70% of the individual embryos they transfer turn into pregnancies) or whether it's per-patient (70% of the women who receive transfers, which may include more than one embryo at a time, get pregnant.) I think it's per-embryo, based on the way the info is presented on their website, but it would be nice to confirm.

I also asked them to confirm that the 5500 is really the whole complete cost. It equates to just under $7000 USD, which seems like an INSANELY low amount for a fresh egg donor, sperm donor, all the donor's meds and monitoring, anesthesia and retrieval, fertilization, incubation, embryo transfer (into me), freezing of leftover embryos, AND a year's worth of embryo storage. I do know that they may need me on some meds here... probably at least birth control and then a trigger shot, and those will come out of my pocket too... but holy cow that seems like such a deal. I need them to confirm that there isn't some hidden cost somewhere that they aren't telling me about. :P

I'm going in on Saturday to close on my HELOC loan, and then the funds should be available about two weeks after that. I'll use part of them to pay off the remaining TTC balance on my credit card, and then the rest are earmarked for the Greek trip.

I'm encouraged at how helpful my RE's office has been so far -- I was worried they might be upset that I'm not continuing treatment with them at this point, but so far they've been nothing but nice about it. We are on their embryo adoption list, so I did tell the nurse that if an embryo becomes available before we go to Greece, we'll do that instead... but we're a lot farther down on the list and there are a lot of folks who have been waiting a lot longer than us for one, and I don't want to cut in line.

So that's that, I guess. Get the tests on Thursday, send them off to Embio, and see how this plays out.

Still trying to decide between putting back two embryos or just one...

BFN #6

AF showed up yesterday, making it BFN#6 for the year. And we've now used up all our vials of swimmers. I'm not pleased with how this last cycle went. Between my work situation being so stressful I could barely eat or sleep throughout the injections, to asking the doctor to run an ovulation test on my blood sample because I was SURE I was ovulating early (and lo and behold, I was right), to having the IUI done two days after the positive ovulation test (when I pretty much always ovulate within 12-24 hours of a smiley)... I wasn't holding out much hope for this one. And sure enough, just 9DPI, AF showed up again. Cycle's the most expensive one yet - somewhere around $4000 - and it was a complete bust.

I'm so tired of throwing money at this and ending up with no results. I'm so tired of being poked with needles, and probed with scanners, and being crazy hormonal all the time, and having cycle after cycle where we don't even get to make an attempt because my body's not cooperating. Having a baby is supposed to be a delight. It's supposed to be something that happens out of love and joy and pleasure. And this is getting ridiculous.

So that's it. I am DONE pussyfooting around. I emailed the Greek clinic today to find out how to get the process started, and I was approved by my bank for a Home Equity Line of Credit that's going to front me the money to pay for an overseas donor embryo cycle. I think the process is going to end up looking something like this:

-Greek clinic emails and requests information and doctor tests.
-I have tests done, send results and info to the clinic
-Greek clinic sends donor lists. Kaitlin and I look them over and send our choices back.
-Greek clinic contacts our chosen egg donors, and we figure out which one is available and willing.
-Egg donor begins her cycle at the Greek clinic; goes on meds.
-I have my clinic here monitor me and put me on any meds needed to sync my cycle with the donor's.
-Clinic lets us know what date we'll need to be there for a transfer; I buy plane and hotel tickets and make arrangements with work to take the time off.
-Egg donor goes in for her retrieval, while we arrive in Greece.
-We spend 9-10 days exploring Athens and nearby islands.
-We go to the clinic and have the transfer. Still debating between 1 and 2 embryos. My little voice of reason says that 1 is the wisest choice, since their success rates are 70%. But my little voice of impatience is stamping her feet in the background, so we'll see...
-I spend the next couple days on bedrest (This isn't a requirement, from what I understand, but it sure couldn't hurt.)
-We get back to the States and I return to work.
-We find out in a couple of weeks if I am pregnant. If not, we gear up for one second round, using any frozen leftover embryos from the first cycle. That one will cost us about $4000 or so, as it will be a short trip.

We'll have an adopted embryo, meaning that the baby won't have a genetic link to either of us... but on the plus side, he/she will be something of a "designer" baby since we get to pick both the donors. So we will still be creating someone utterly unique, and just for us... and I'll still get to experience pregnancy and make sure I'm giving the kiddo the healthiest possible start to life.

So that's the plan now. And my brain is rushing into full-on planning mode. While I'm really frustrated and sad that all the attempts we've made thus far haven't panned out (we could have already done a Greek cycle for the money I've paid out so far this year) it's nice to feel like maybe we have the opportunity for greater momentum than we've seen all year.

I'm not giving up on my OLW for this year - CONCIEVE. There's still some time for that, right?

In the meantime, working on my next book and waiting for the edits to come back on the second Ithyria book. Daydreaming about how nice it would be to be able to be a full-time author, and knowing I'll never pay off the debt I'm about to leap into if I did that. Pfft.