Got a call from the OB GYN today. My blood test results from last Thursday showed HcG of 42. She doesn't think it's necessary to keep testing, she's pretty sure it's going to zero by itself, especially since the bleeding's stopped. In the meantime, my face has broken out, I've been irritable and bloated, and today I had a huge amount of EWCM - like, enough to almost be similar to a blood clot during AF. Yuck.
So basically it looks like my body is headed back to business as usual, and I'm probably ovulating-ish at the moment, and AF should show up in another couple of weeks.
In the meantime I just feel down. Not super depressed and sad anymore, just... down. Facebook is LOADED with pictures of pregnant friends, friends with babies, friends with their kids. Even an article going around about miscarriage... joy. It's a double-edged sword, too, because while seeing all the babies is painful and makes me shamefully jealous and irrationally angry, it also reminds me that I can't give up yet, damn it. I can't give up on this. We got so far... I won't be able to forgive myself if I give up now.
Trying to focus on exercise, and sleep, and work, and my book. But mostly my brain wants to disappear into fantasyland and sit out the wait. I should try to use that, I guess, to work on my next book, so that it doesn't take me seven years to get it finished this time. But I feel uninspired and lazy, and a little stuck in trying to get the story off the ground. So I'm just sort of twiddling my thumbs in limbo, waiting for the weeks to pass so that I can put together travel money and get my body back into a workable cycle again.
Kinda boring, right?
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Day seven
Today is the seventh day after our miscarriage was confirmed. Tomorrow I go in for an HcG to see whether it's gone down to zero. Then it's just a matter of waiting for AF, and then waiting for AF again, and in the meantime trying to spend as little a possible and save as much as I can... And waiting for all my tax documents so I can file for that refund.
I cried for a while again last night. It doesn't matter how sick I am of waiting, there is no other option. I can't make AF come any faster. I can't put money in my bank account any faster. I can't do anything but wait. And I hate that I have to try and make it through day after day after week after month of life without a child, without even the ability to take definitive action to try for one again. And yes, I know this is obsessive and unhealthy and if I were giving advice to myself I would say all the wise things about how I need to find happiness within, and love the life I do have rather than wishing for one that I can't force into existence.
And though I know those things are true, I hate the truth of them.
But I also hate feeling so sad and empty.
Eventually I'll get there. Eventually I have to make the choice between being happy with what I have, or only focusing on the unhappiness of not having what I want. And while I don't have the option of forcing the future that I want, I do have the option of living happily or not.
Still, I think I need a little more wallowing time before I'm going to be ready.
In training all day today at work. It's actually keeping me pretty distracted, and I'm grateful for that. But I will be glad when this work week is over. Have a three day weekend coming up and I need to use it to clean and get groceries and put life back into some semblance of order. I should probably clean my poor little car, too. And commit to at least one social activity... Even though I don't feel like seeing anyone or doing anything.
We'll see. For now I just have to head back into training.
I cried for a while again last night. It doesn't matter how sick I am of waiting, there is no other option. I can't make AF come any faster. I can't put money in my bank account any faster. I can't do anything but wait. And I hate that I have to try and make it through day after day after week after month of life without a child, without even the ability to take definitive action to try for one again. And yes, I know this is obsessive and unhealthy and if I were giving advice to myself I would say all the wise things about how I need to find happiness within, and love the life I do have rather than wishing for one that I can't force into existence.
And though I know those things are true, I hate the truth of them.
But I also hate feeling so sad and empty.
Eventually I'll get there. Eventually I have to make the choice between being happy with what I have, or only focusing on the unhappiness of not having what I want. And while I don't have the option of forcing the future that I want, I do have the option of living happily or not.
Still, I think I need a little more wallowing time before I'm going to be ready.
In training all day today at work. It's actually keeping me pretty distracted, and I'm grateful for that. But I will be glad when this work week is over. Have a three day weekend coming up and I need to use it to clean and get groceries and put life back into some semblance of order. I should probably clean my poor little car, too. And commit to at least one social activity... Even though I don't feel like seeing anyone or doing anything.
We'll see. For now I just have to head back into training.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Killing time
Today feels like the most normal day I've had in a long time. Bleeding's gone. Itching is getting better. Back to only peeing a couple times a day. Work is back into its regular swing of being utterly overwhelming and trying to focus on accomplishing one thing at a time, one meeting at a time, one email at a time. Last night was a typical work night - come home, eat some food, watch some TV, go to bed, feel like I didn't have nearly enough time to unwind.
As if I never was pregnant at all. As if none of this ever happened.
Which, right now, feels better than grief -- even if it's not happiness.
I think one of the things that's so frustrating about TTC is that there's so little I can do on a daily basis to bring myself closer to the goal, other than taking a prenatal vitamin, trying to remain in good health, trying to forgo buying anything I don't absolutely need and... well, that's it. Wait for AF. The bleeding only just stopped, and it will be weeks before it comes again, and even when it comes, it won't mean anything. We won't be doing anything with it, just letting it pass by and waiting for it to come a second time. My hope, though, is that when it comes that second time we can start our meds again, make travel plans, get ultrasounds and gear up for our next try.
So I'm trying to think of things I could or ought to do in the meantime. One of them is physical exercise. I've done pretty much nothing except the occasional week or two of walking on my lunch break. And even that dropped off pretty quickly. I need to make exercise a regular part of my day, I do, and now that I'm not pregnant and have to wait a while before I can try again now would be the time to do it. So I'm going to start today, by going for a walk around the building on lunch. (I can walk indoors at work by making a bunch of rounds through the courthouse; up the stairs, walk to one end, down the stairs, walk to the other end, back up again, etc.) It will feel a little like I'm at least doing *something*. Plus, this last year of TTC has done a number on my body, and I'm so out of shape it makes me cringe.
What I need, though, is to see if I can get the book we're supposed to be reading for my work's leadership book club in audio form. Then I can walk and listen to it at the same time, thereby being efficient. :P
The other things I really need to do include getting my house clean - all our Christmas stuff packed up - and getting our garage cleaned out. My poor little car could also really use a good cleaning. And, I'd like to revisit all the stuff I had planned for my upcoming book release. I really shouldn't let it sit by the wayside, no matter how depressed I am. A book birthday pretty much only comes along once in a book's lifetime and it would be stupid to waste it wallowing in self-pity.
Going to try not to do too much too fast, though. One thing at a time. One day at a time. Have to try and keep the days busy so that they pass faster. So that AF comes sooner. It's my choice, really, whether these days and weeks fly by or whether they drag... and the key is to keep them full of stuff to do. So that's what I'll work on, starting today. At least it will make me feel like I'm doing something to get me closer to the goal, even if it's just waiting it out.
As if I never was pregnant at all. As if none of this ever happened.
Which, right now, feels better than grief -- even if it's not happiness.
I think one of the things that's so frustrating about TTC is that there's so little I can do on a daily basis to bring myself closer to the goal, other than taking a prenatal vitamin, trying to remain in good health, trying to forgo buying anything I don't absolutely need and... well, that's it. Wait for AF. The bleeding only just stopped, and it will be weeks before it comes again, and even when it comes, it won't mean anything. We won't be doing anything with it, just letting it pass by and waiting for it to come a second time. My hope, though, is that when it comes that second time we can start our meds again, make travel plans, get ultrasounds and gear up for our next try.
So I'm trying to think of things I could or ought to do in the meantime. One of them is physical exercise. I've done pretty much nothing except the occasional week or two of walking on my lunch break. And even that dropped off pretty quickly. I need to make exercise a regular part of my day, I do, and now that I'm not pregnant and have to wait a while before I can try again now would be the time to do it. So I'm going to start today, by going for a walk around the building on lunch. (I can walk indoors at work by making a bunch of rounds through the courthouse; up the stairs, walk to one end, down the stairs, walk to the other end, back up again, etc.) It will feel a little like I'm at least doing *something*. Plus, this last year of TTC has done a number on my body, and I'm so out of shape it makes me cringe.
What I need, though, is to see if I can get the book we're supposed to be reading for my work's leadership book club in audio form. Then I can walk and listen to it at the same time, thereby being efficient. :P
The other things I really need to do include getting my house clean - all our Christmas stuff packed up - and getting our garage cleaned out. My poor little car could also really use a good cleaning. And, I'd like to revisit all the stuff I had planned for my upcoming book release. I really shouldn't let it sit by the wayside, no matter how depressed I am. A book birthday pretty much only comes along once in a book's lifetime and it would be stupid to waste it wallowing in self-pity.
Going to try not to do too much too fast, though. One thing at a time. One day at a time. Have to try and keep the days busy so that they pass faster. So that AF comes sooner. It's my choice, really, whether these days and weeks fly by or whether they drag... and the key is to keep them full of stuff to do. So that's what I'll work on, starting today. At least it will make me feel like I'm doing something to get me closer to the goal, even if it's just waiting it out.
Monday, January 12, 2015
HcG Drop
Got a voice mail from the doctor today with my HcG results from last Thursday: 477. Far lower than the 7900ish that it was just four days earlier. It was a miscarriage, all right. I have another blood draw scheduled for this coming Thursday. I don't know if it will be zero by then... I don't know how long it takes for these things to drop. But I'm kind of hoping it will be zero, or really close to zero. Then at least it will feel like this part of the nightmare is over. It will be easier to tell myself it was another BFN and move on.
The bleeding is pretty much gone now, just the faintest brown tinge. All my pregnancy symptoms are gone... everything I'm feeling is pretty much related to depression. And I haven't taken the hormone pills in four or five days, so I think my mood swings are adjusting. By adjusting, I mean that I feel crappy all the time instead of giddy/cranky/wistful/crying at commercials on TV. Instead I listen to co-workers talking about becoming grandmothers, and how their daughter/friend/acquaintance just had a C-section, and respond to emails about new babies just born that have to be added to our existing cases, and basically deal with babies and kids and pregnant women all day long... and I feel kind of like a hungry orphan peeking in the window on some rich kid's Christmas dinner.
The only person at work who knows about the miscarriage is my boss. She called me this morning and asked how I was. I told her I was feeling crummy, but I'll get over it. She asked if I should go home... but the thing is, I can't. If I take even more time off, I'll only be more stressed when I get back to work.
I don't want to live through the next three months of waiting. I am SO TIRED of waiting. Waiting for AF, waiting for insem/embryo transfer, waiting to POAS, waiting between ultrasounds for leftover cycts to go away after being on birth control. Waiting. Waiting. And waiting to get pregnant so that I can finally divert funds to the other things I want to do with my life, like getting married and changing my name and working on home improvement projects and basically getting back to having a life again, instead of living for each next-step in the TTC journey.
I can't get over how CLOSE we were to putting an end to the wait. So close I could taste it. I got two weeks of blissful hope, of happiness brighter than anything I’ve felt in years… only to have it taken away. Two weeks of joy, one week of horror, and four days – just four days – to process grief. To be followed by three months of nothingness, before there can be any attempt at renewed progress toward a dream that I may never achieve, because it isn’t something you can accomplish through hard work. There’s no magic formula that guarantees you’ll get pregnant by following the right steps, or surviving enough loss. I can’t earn this from the universe. All I can do is keep throwing the dice until the money runs out.
In the meantime it feels like all the color has gone out of the world. Oh, and did I mention that my little fish at work died on Tuesday last week? In all the chaos it seemed like such a small thing, but I'm sitting here staring at his empty tank and feeling like it is an overly dramatic metaphor for the current state of my soul.
The bleeding is pretty much gone now, just the faintest brown tinge. All my pregnancy symptoms are gone... everything I'm feeling is pretty much related to depression. And I haven't taken the hormone pills in four or five days, so I think my mood swings are adjusting. By adjusting, I mean that I feel crappy all the time instead of giddy/cranky/wistful/crying at commercials on TV. Instead I listen to co-workers talking about becoming grandmothers, and how their daughter/friend/acquaintance just had a C-section, and respond to emails about new babies just born that have to be added to our existing cases, and basically deal with babies and kids and pregnant women all day long... and I feel kind of like a hungry orphan peeking in the window on some rich kid's Christmas dinner.
The only person at work who knows about the miscarriage is my boss. She called me this morning and asked how I was. I told her I was feeling crummy, but I'll get over it. She asked if I should go home... but the thing is, I can't. If I take even more time off, I'll only be more stressed when I get back to work.
I don't want to live through the next three months of waiting. I am SO TIRED of waiting. Waiting for AF, waiting for insem/embryo transfer, waiting to POAS, waiting between ultrasounds for leftover cycts to go away after being on birth control. Waiting. Waiting. And waiting to get pregnant so that I can finally divert funds to the other things I want to do with my life, like getting married and changing my name and working on home improvement projects and basically getting back to having a life again, instead of living for each next-step in the TTC journey.
I can't get over how CLOSE we were to putting an end to the wait. So close I could taste it. I got two weeks of blissful hope, of happiness brighter than anything I’ve felt in years… only to have it taken away. Two weeks of joy, one week of horror, and four days – just four days – to process grief. To be followed by three months of nothingness, before there can be any attempt at renewed progress toward a dream that I may never achieve, because it isn’t something you can accomplish through hard work. There’s no magic formula that guarantees you’ll get pregnant by following the right steps, or surviving enough loss. I can’t earn this from the universe. All I can do is keep throwing the dice until the money runs out.
In the meantime it feels like all the color has gone out of the world. Oh, and did I mention that my little fish at work died on Tuesday last week? In all the chaos it seemed like such a small thing, but I'm sitting here staring at his empty tank and feeling like it is an overly dramatic metaphor for the current state of my soul.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
I hate mornings
Today is my last day to sit at home and grieve naturally. Tomorrow I have to go to work and for nine hours, somehow pretend like nothing happened.
I start feeling more okay by the end of the day. I put off sleeping as long as possible. Because when I wake up in the morning it starts over again, that slow creeping awareness that I am alone, that the baby i want so much is leaking out of my body, that we got so close this time, so close, finally... And still failed. It's like the initial horror happens all over again.
Yesterday was almost a full day of heavy, bright bleeding. This morning it's dark brown smudges. I started spotting on New Year's Day and bleeding on 1/3, so as of today this has been going on for 11 days. I hope it stops this week. I'm tired of bleeding, I am tired of being sad. The idea that life goes on is not a comfort, it's a curse. I will never, ever use this phrase with someone who is grieving, from now on.
I cleaned the kitchen yesterday, and put our comforter in the wash, but that is as far as I got. Wasn't able to summon the energy to pack up our Christmas stuff or clean the floors or bathrooms. I already know I don't have it in me today either. At least there was some sun yesterday. It was still too cold, but the sunlight in the window made it possible to make believe that things could be a little cheerier than they were. Today it's back to grayness and clouds and cold.
I don't know how I'm going to make it through work this week. I'll have a three day weekend at the end of it, since next Monday is a holiday. But the idea of sitting at my desk, answering my staff and bosses and clients with a smile, cranking smoothly through the files and plans and emails and phone calls with the enthusiasm and positivity that's expected, makes me feel like I'm going to be sick. Somehow tomorrow I have to figure out how to bottle this pain up and shove it in the back of myself so that I can be what the taxpayers pay me to be... Which is a customer service machine.
Oddly, nothing is more inspirational for doing that than Korean drama, which I've been binge watching the last week. The characters are always going through some sort of horrible life thing that they keep to themselves. And it makes you, the viewer, (as well as the primary love interest character) fall for them even more. We love the nobility of self-sacrifice, don't we?
And the other thing Korean drama helps with is that everyone always gets their happy ending. It usually takes years... Years, which are conveniently skipped over in the last episode with one little subtitle at the bottom of the screen when the final scenes start - "Several years later..."
I want a screen cut like that in my life. Rather than having to live through the next few months, going back to work and saving my money and waiting for the bleeding to stop and HcG to drop and AF to come again, I want a fast-forward button, maybe a two minute montage that sums it all up and gets me to that moment when I'm stepping off the plane in Athens again, and then skips a little more to a couple weeks later when those two lines show up on a pregnancy test again, and then skips ahead to the day when we have a healthy baby in our arms. Basically, to not have to live through the next year of my life with this same anxiety filling every minute, and get to the part where our story actually begins.
Life doesn't work that way, of course. But the days are going by so slowly. It feels like our happy ending, and new beginning, may never come.
And that is your regularly scheduled grief dump for the day. I am going back to my bathrobe and coffee and electric blanket and mindless TV now. Have to make the most of this last day that I am free to feel crappy, since tomorrow I'll be back onstage and in the spotlight, putting on a show to reassure the people who pay my mortgage that I am worth my pay checks.
I start feeling more okay by the end of the day. I put off sleeping as long as possible. Because when I wake up in the morning it starts over again, that slow creeping awareness that I am alone, that the baby i want so much is leaking out of my body, that we got so close this time, so close, finally... And still failed. It's like the initial horror happens all over again.
Yesterday was almost a full day of heavy, bright bleeding. This morning it's dark brown smudges. I started spotting on New Year's Day and bleeding on 1/3, so as of today this has been going on for 11 days. I hope it stops this week. I'm tired of bleeding, I am tired of being sad. The idea that life goes on is not a comfort, it's a curse. I will never, ever use this phrase with someone who is grieving, from now on.
I cleaned the kitchen yesterday, and put our comforter in the wash, but that is as far as I got. Wasn't able to summon the energy to pack up our Christmas stuff or clean the floors or bathrooms. I already know I don't have it in me today either. At least there was some sun yesterday. It was still too cold, but the sunlight in the window made it possible to make believe that things could be a little cheerier than they were. Today it's back to grayness and clouds and cold.
I don't know how I'm going to make it through work this week. I'll have a three day weekend at the end of it, since next Monday is a holiday. But the idea of sitting at my desk, answering my staff and bosses and clients with a smile, cranking smoothly through the files and plans and emails and phone calls with the enthusiasm and positivity that's expected, makes me feel like I'm going to be sick. Somehow tomorrow I have to figure out how to bottle this pain up and shove it in the back of myself so that I can be what the taxpayers pay me to be... Which is a customer service machine.
Oddly, nothing is more inspirational for doing that than Korean drama, which I've been binge watching the last week. The characters are always going through some sort of horrible life thing that they keep to themselves. And it makes you, the viewer, (as well as the primary love interest character) fall for them even more. We love the nobility of self-sacrifice, don't we?
And the other thing Korean drama helps with is that everyone always gets their happy ending. It usually takes years... Years, which are conveniently skipped over in the last episode with one little subtitle at the bottom of the screen when the final scenes start - "Several years later..."
I want a screen cut like that in my life. Rather than having to live through the next few months, going back to work and saving my money and waiting for the bleeding to stop and HcG to drop and AF to come again, I want a fast-forward button, maybe a two minute montage that sums it all up and gets me to that moment when I'm stepping off the plane in Athens again, and then skips a little more to a couple weeks later when those two lines show up on a pregnancy test again, and then skips ahead to the day when we have a healthy baby in our arms. Basically, to not have to live through the next year of my life with this same anxiety filling every minute, and get to the part where our story actually begins.
Life doesn't work that way, of course. But the days are going by so slowly. It feels like our happy ending, and new beginning, may never come.
And that is your regularly scheduled grief dump for the day. I am going back to my bathrobe and coffee and electric blanket and mindless TV now. Have to make the most of this last day that I am free to feel crappy, since tomorrow I'll be back onstage and in the spotlight, putting on a show to reassure the people who pay my mortgage that I am worth my pay checks.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Maybe
My insomnia didn't take very long to come back... I didn't fall asleep at all last night. I am woozy and exhausted today. I finished my page proofs and emailed them in; also verified that my next book's cover and release date were launched on my publisher's website, so I'm finally able to announce them on my FB page. Took care of that this morning.
But I've realized that every book release I've ever had has occurred during a time of chaos in my life, a time when I didn't have the emotional energy to commit to promotion or psyching up my readers or anything else. And it's happening again this time. The book comes out in March... a while back I had made a long checklist of action items I was going to do in order to promote it - website updates, contests, surveys, some promotional giveaway items, a launch party and so on. Now I'm depressed. And I know that sounds stupid, but the joy just isn't there. I want it to be, but it feels hollow. Writing is the one dream that I have actually achieved in my life, the only one that hasn't been taken away from me. Yet I want a baby so much more that the whole book thing doesn't feel exciting, just tiresome. A big responsibility, that I had wanted to tackle with brightness and energy this time around, and instead just feels like a poor substitute for what I really wanted.
I was going to announce my pregnancy right around the book release date. March was going to be one of the most awesome months of my entire life. Now, I'll be lucky if I get to spend some of it in Greece, trying again.
I've been lying in bed for hours now, unable to sleep. Finished my page proofs super early this morning, so next on the list is house cleaning. There's tons to do. Kaitlin asked me to do one thing in particular, while she's out taking her PLACE exams today, and I can't remember what it was. And I don't want to lie in bed anymore, but I also don't feel like cleaning. I know, intrinsically, that if I force myself to do it I might feel a little better. Maybe I would feel like we were moving on. Like I'm hitting the reset button on life, getting to the acceptance phase of this whole grief process, and getting over it. It's not like there's any other choice. And that's what makes me angry, I guess, not having any other choices.
A clean house would be a start. But some part of me resents it, doesn't want to pack away Christmas and straighten the house and try to get back into life again, when it's not the life I wanted. Some part of me wants to sit and be angry. Some part of me is furious that I don't have the option to reject this, to declare it unacceptable, to wave a magic wand and be pregnant through sheer force of will. And that part of me is sitting sullenly in bed. As if, by boycotting life until it gives me what I want, I can somehow make the universe feel sorry for being so mean to me. Like some sort of whiny victim who imagines herself the Gandhi of miscarriage.
It doesn't get much more self-centered than that, does it? And if that's the attitude I'm going to have, my misery is self-inflicted and I don't have the right to complain.
Not sure which stage of grief you'd call this. Pretty sure Anger, mostly because Denial's not an option. Probably going to skip over Bargaining, because... well, I've got nothing to bargain with. And Depression's in there too. May even get worse BECAUSE I have to clean the house, and go back to work, and focus on money and my cycles and all of that again. And I have the uncomfortable feeling I'm not going to be able to achieve Acceptance until we are actually able to launch another round, and that it may be contingent on whether or not a second round is successful.
I am afraid of expecting too much from a second try. Google seems to think that a person is more fertile after miscarriage. That statistically I am unlikely to miscarry twice in a row. I find myself starting to feel pretty damn entitled - OF COURSE I will get pregnant right away on our next try, and OF COURSE I will get to keep it then, because I have most certainly earned it by now, right? I keep having to remind myself there's the chance I'll go back and not get pregnant at all. Or go back, get pregnant, and miscarry again. Not everybody gets a happy ending. And then what? How many times can I do this before the money runs out? Before I'm so deep in debt it will take me the rest of my career to pay it off? And what if I do get pregnant, after saddling us and our future child with so much debt that all the things I dreamed of being able to do with and for our child are now impossible?
I "what if" things to death. Right now March is my beacon of hope. We won't get to try in January. If I'm lucky this bleeding will stop soon and my HcG will zero out on its own. Then we have to skip February while I file my taxes and wait for an AF to come and go. And then, maybe, if those things will happen quickly enough, maybe we can take our next try in March. And maybe, if that goes right this time, I will still have a baby by Christmas. Maybe.
Or maybe I will be deleting this blog and giving up.
But I've realized that every book release I've ever had has occurred during a time of chaos in my life, a time when I didn't have the emotional energy to commit to promotion or psyching up my readers or anything else. And it's happening again this time. The book comes out in March... a while back I had made a long checklist of action items I was going to do in order to promote it - website updates, contests, surveys, some promotional giveaway items, a launch party and so on. Now I'm depressed. And I know that sounds stupid, but the joy just isn't there. I want it to be, but it feels hollow. Writing is the one dream that I have actually achieved in my life, the only one that hasn't been taken away from me. Yet I want a baby so much more that the whole book thing doesn't feel exciting, just tiresome. A big responsibility, that I had wanted to tackle with brightness and energy this time around, and instead just feels like a poor substitute for what I really wanted.
I was going to announce my pregnancy right around the book release date. March was going to be one of the most awesome months of my entire life. Now, I'll be lucky if I get to spend some of it in Greece, trying again.
I've been lying in bed for hours now, unable to sleep. Finished my page proofs super early this morning, so next on the list is house cleaning. There's tons to do. Kaitlin asked me to do one thing in particular, while she's out taking her PLACE exams today, and I can't remember what it was. And I don't want to lie in bed anymore, but I also don't feel like cleaning. I know, intrinsically, that if I force myself to do it I might feel a little better. Maybe I would feel like we were moving on. Like I'm hitting the reset button on life, getting to the acceptance phase of this whole grief process, and getting over it. It's not like there's any other choice. And that's what makes me angry, I guess, not having any other choices.
A clean house would be a start. But some part of me resents it, doesn't want to pack away Christmas and straighten the house and try to get back into life again, when it's not the life I wanted. Some part of me wants to sit and be angry. Some part of me is furious that I don't have the option to reject this, to declare it unacceptable, to wave a magic wand and be pregnant through sheer force of will. And that part of me is sitting sullenly in bed. As if, by boycotting life until it gives me what I want, I can somehow make the universe feel sorry for being so mean to me. Like some sort of whiny victim who imagines herself the Gandhi of miscarriage.
It doesn't get much more self-centered than that, does it? And if that's the attitude I'm going to have, my misery is self-inflicted and I don't have the right to complain.
Not sure which stage of grief you'd call this. Pretty sure Anger, mostly because Denial's not an option. Probably going to skip over Bargaining, because... well, I've got nothing to bargain with. And Depression's in there too. May even get worse BECAUSE I have to clean the house, and go back to work, and focus on money and my cycles and all of that again. And I have the uncomfortable feeling I'm not going to be able to achieve Acceptance until we are actually able to launch another round, and that it may be contingent on whether or not a second round is successful.
I am afraid of expecting too much from a second try. Google seems to think that a person is more fertile after miscarriage. That statistically I am unlikely to miscarry twice in a row. I find myself starting to feel pretty damn entitled - OF COURSE I will get pregnant right away on our next try, and OF COURSE I will get to keep it then, because I have most certainly earned it by now, right? I keep having to remind myself there's the chance I'll go back and not get pregnant at all. Or go back, get pregnant, and miscarry again. Not everybody gets a happy ending. And then what? How many times can I do this before the money runs out? Before I'm so deep in debt it will take me the rest of my career to pay it off? And what if I do get pregnant, after saddling us and our future child with so much debt that all the things I dreamed of being able to do with and for our child are now impossible?
I "what if" things to death. Right now March is my beacon of hope. We won't get to try in January. If I'm lucky this bleeding will stop soon and my HcG will zero out on its own. Then we have to skip February while I file my taxes and wait for an AF to come and go. And then, maybe, if those things will happen quickly enough, maybe we can take our next try in March. And maybe, if that goes right this time, I will still have a baby by Christmas. Maybe.
Or maybe I will be deleting this blog and giving up.
Working on gratitude
Made it through another day. No drinking this time. Took some cold medicine and felt guilty for it, even though there's no baby to worry about. Didn't take any meds today and felt guilty for that too.
I hate that there is no option other than to accept this. I hate that I was so happy, for such a short time, because it makes the sadness worse. And I am so angry that there's no one I can be mad at for this. There's nobody I can blame.
I thought I was almost out of the tunnel, and the lights went out again. We're right back in that long stretch of uncertain darkness, hoping to get lucky enough to find our way out again. And the only thing I have, the only thing that I can think about, is trying again. Going through all of it again, and back to the uncertainty of whether we'll get pregnant again, whether we'll end up with twins after all, whether we'll get to keep it this time. It's so depressing, and yet it's all the hope I have.
I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. Like I hadn't really realized just HOW stagnant and meaningless my day to day life was until I finally believed I'd broken through into a new life, with a real purpose...And now that I have to go back to the waiting and the gambling and the lostness of it all, it feels unbearable. Maybe that's really unhealthy, I don't know. Maybe I want this more than I'm supposed to. I have a really bad habit of letting myself be too invested in my dreams.
But I made it through today, and I'll make it through tomorrow, somehow. I have to finish page proofs tomorrow and then try to find it in me to clean... The house is a wreck and I need to put all the Christmas stuff away, but somehow it feels so depressing. Also, I'm bleeding pretty heavily today, and while it's not painful it feels like it ought to be. Like it's not right for this to be happening without physical agony to match the way my heart feels. This feels too quiet, too unremarkable. Too matter of fact.
In reality it's really nothing more than another BFN. The cruelest kind, but a BFN nonetheless. I've survived plenty of them before. I'll survive this one too. At least I don't have to give up yet. At least there's still one more try on the table. Right now that's everything, it's all I've got, so I'm going to hold on to it and try to be more grateful. Self pity isn't going to make me feel better and will only add misery to my life. So be grateful to have a stable, good-paying job, a huge house that costs as much as my old one-bedroom apartment, a kind and patient fiancée who is willing to listen to all my blubbering and anger and bitterness and loves me anyway, and a sweet and precious tiny dog who is the closest thing to a child that I have right now. Be grateful to have the resources to try again. Be grateful to live in a day and age when donor egg IVF programs are a thing. Be grateful for clean water, and fresh air, and the luxury of living in a first world country. Be grateful, and let this make me more compassionate to others' pain, and find ways to bring joy to the world around me so that if I'm lucky enough to receive some joy myself someday, I will be worthy of it.
Good night, internet.
I hate that there is no option other than to accept this. I hate that I was so happy, for such a short time, because it makes the sadness worse. And I am so angry that there's no one I can be mad at for this. There's nobody I can blame.
I thought I was almost out of the tunnel, and the lights went out again. We're right back in that long stretch of uncertain darkness, hoping to get lucky enough to find our way out again. And the only thing I have, the only thing that I can think about, is trying again. Going through all of it again, and back to the uncertainty of whether we'll get pregnant again, whether we'll end up with twins after all, whether we'll get to keep it this time. It's so depressing, and yet it's all the hope I have.
I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. Like I hadn't really realized just HOW stagnant and meaningless my day to day life was until I finally believed I'd broken through into a new life, with a real purpose...And now that I have to go back to the waiting and the gambling and the lostness of it all, it feels unbearable. Maybe that's really unhealthy, I don't know. Maybe I want this more than I'm supposed to. I have a really bad habit of letting myself be too invested in my dreams.
But I made it through today, and I'll make it through tomorrow, somehow. I have to finish page proofs tomorrow and then try to find it in me to clean... The house is a wreck and I need to put all the Christmas stuff away, but somehow it feels so depressing. Also, I'm bleeding pretty heavily today, and while it's not painful it feels like it ought to be. Like it's not right for this to be happening without physical agony to match the way my heart feels. This feels too quiet, too unremarkable. Too matter of fact.
In reality it's really nothing more than another BFN. The cruelest kind, but a BFN nonetheless. I've survived plenty of them before. I'll survive this one too. At least I don't have to give up yet. At least there's still one more try on the table. Right now that's everything, it's all I've got, so I'm going to hold on to it and try to be more grateful. Self pity isn't going to make me feel better and will only add misery to my life. So be grateful to have a stable, good-paying job, a huge house that costs as much as my old one-bedroom apartment, a kind and patient fiancée who is willing to listen to all my blubbering and anger and bitterness and loves me anyway, and a sweet and precious tiny dog who is the closest thing to a child that I have right now. Be grateful to have the resources to try again. Be grateful to live in a day and age when donor egg IVF programs are a thing. Be grateful for clean water, and fresh air, and the luxury of living in a first world country. Be grateful, and let this make me more compassionate to others' pain, and find ways to bring joy to the world around me so that if I'm lucky enough to receive some joy myself someday, I will be worthy of it.
Good night, internet.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Waking up
And like I feared, it's the waking up that hurts most. Waking up and remembering that I'm not more pregnant today than yesterday, that there's no baby coming in September, that everything I have to do at work next week will not be underscored with the secret joy of pregnancy, that nothing is different between today and last year except that I'm $15k deeper in debt.
And to top it off I realized that somehow I have to learn how to give myself injections for the next round, because I have to travel alone. And while that may sound stupid, since I've been having daily injections for a year now, I am having a near panic attack. I have a needle phobia. It takes every ounce of willpower I have, every night, to brace myself for each injection.... And sometimes I am so scared I can't breathe. How am I ever going to be able to give the shot to myself??
Yet we will be scraping every penny just to be able to go back at all. We can't afford two plane tickets.
Am I insane to want to do this again? But when I think about giving up, I feel so depressed I can't stand it. I actually don't know what I will do with my life if I don't get pregnant. I don't know what will get me through the day, for the rest of my life, if I don't have that dream to hold on to. Like, what's the point of continuing to get out of bed in the morning...
I am hungover and wide awake and miserable and still bleeding. But woke up to an email that the Greek clinic will give me a second try for 4800 euro. The us dollar's stronger now too, so that makes the cost about $5700. I'll need $1300 for a plane ticket and probably $250 for hotel and $200ish for taxis and $200 ish for meds... $7650. If the dollar holds. It's still a lot of money but I can do this... I can do this.
Just have to stop bleeding first. And find the strength to get out of bed.
EDIT: and the meds I was so anxious about just arrived on my doorstep. I would have had them in time... If there was still a baby that needed them. But it's just as well that they got here today. Might as well get the loss over with all at once. Better to get the full beating right away than to drag it out over weeks and months. Life is going to move on whether I want it to or not.
And to top it off I realized that somehow I have to learn how to give myself injections for the next round, because I have to travel alone. And while that may sound stupid, since I've been having daily injections for a year now, I am having a near panic attack. I have a needle phobia. It takes every ounce of willpower I have, every night, to brace myself for each injection.... And sometimes I am so scared I can't breathe. How am I ever going to be able to give the shot to myself??
Yet we will be scraping every penny just to be able to go back at all. We can't afford two plane tickets.
Am I insane to want to do this again? But when I think about giving up, I feel so depressed I can't stand it. I actually don't know what I will do with my life if I don't get pregnant. I don't know what will get me through the day, for the rest of my life, if I don't have that dream to hold on to. Like, what's the point of continuing to get out of bed in the morning...
I am hungover and wide awake and miserable and still bleeding. But woke up to an email that the Greek clinic will give me a second try for 4800 euro. The us dollar's stronger now too, so that makes the cost about $5700. I'll need $1300 for a plane ticket and probably $250 for hotel and $200ish for taxis and $200 ish for meds... $7650. If the dollar holds. It's still a lot of money but I can do this... I can do this.
Just have to stop bleeding first. And find the strength to get out of bed.
EDIT: and the meds I was so anxious about just arrived on my doorstep. I would have had them in time... If there was still a baby that needed them. But it's just as well that they got here today. Might as well get the loss over with all at once. Better to get the full beating right away than to drag it out over weeks and months. Life is going to move on whether I want it to or not.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
My heart hurts so much
And I am afraid to sleep. Not so much of the dreams... I'm drunk enough to avoid those.... But of waking up and remembering that this wasn't a nightmare. It's real, my baby is gone. All I have left to wake up for is the hope that we might try again. And that will be ten thousand dollars, please.
Hope is a spiteful bitch.
I hurt.
Somebody please give me my baby back.
Hope is a spiteful bitch.
I hurt.
Somebody please give me my baby back.
Starting Over
Ultrasound this morning confirmed that baby is gone. No gestational sac, nothing.
So it's back to the drawing board, I guess. They drew blood, and the sweet little nurse just couldn't find a vein so she had to stick me twice and spend ten minutes with the needle in me trying to get enough blood. I have to go back next week for another blood draw so that they can be sure my HcG drops to zero.
I emailed the Greek clinic asking what they'll need in order for us to try again. Asked for today and tomorrow off of work. And will spend the weekend trying to figure out how to save up/pay off as much money as possible as fast as possible so that I can go back. I'll have to go alone this time, we can't afford a second plane ticket.
Now I am going to drink a bottle of wine and clean the house, and try to figure out how to tell my mom.
As soon as I figure out how to stop crying.
So it's back to the drawing board, I guess. They drew blood, and the sweet little nurse just couldn't find a vein so she had to stick me twice and spend ten minutes with the needle in me trying to get enough blood. I have to go back next week for another blood draw so that they can be sure my HcG drops to zero.
I emailed the Greek clinic asking what they'll need in order for us to try again. Asked for today and tomorrow off of work. And will spend the weekend trying to figure out how to save up/pay off as much money as possible as fast as possible so that I can go back. I'll have to go alone this time, we can't afford a second plane ticket.
Now I am going to drink a bottle of wine and clean the house, and try to figure out how to tell my mom.
As soon as I figure out how to stop crying.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
6WK2D - and the pendulum keeps on swinging
Mood swings tonight. Feeling sorry for myself. Deleted a long and bitter post about why I'm down in the dumps again, but here's the gist: Yesterday evening and most of today I was feeling optimistic, even though I'm still bleeding lightly ( and now there's this weird clear EWCM texture to it, WTF.) But I just passed a weird dime-sized clot that I think had pinkish/yellowish tissue attached. So now I'm swinging the other way, feeling pretty sure we're done.
All this back and forth feels so self indulgent and whiny. All the pessimism and impatience are things I like least about myself. This is bringing out the worst in me, apparently. I would like to be that gracious, joyful, grateful person who hopes sweetly for good things and handles disappointment with gentleness and strength and the pluck to dust off her butt and hop right back on the horse that threw her. But I guess I'm too selfish and impatient to be able to pull it off.
I feel like I'm letting this bean down by feeling pessimistic, but I'm being arrogant if I'm optimistic. And I can't find a middle ground of zen-ness because I want this too much.
Tomorrow's scan cannot come fast enough. And neither pessimism nor optimism makes one bit of difference as to whether I stay pregnant. But oh HOW I wish there would be a heartbeat tomorrow.
In about twelve hours we'll see.
All this back and forth feels so self indulgent and whiny. All the pessimism and impatience are things I like least about myself. This is bringing out the worst in me, apparently. I would like to be that gracious, joyful, grateful person who hopes sweetly for good things and handles disappointment with gentleness and strength and the pluck to dust off her butt and hop right back on the horse that threw her. But I guess I'm too selfish and impatient to be able to pull it off.
I feel like I'm letting this bean down by feeling pessimistic, but I'm being arrogant if I'm optimistic. And I can't find a middle ground of zen-ness because I want this too much.
Tomorrow's scan cannot come fast enough. And neither pessimism nor optimism makes one bit of difference as to whether I stay pregnant. But oh HOW I wish there would be a heartbeat tomorrow.
In about twelve hours we'll see.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
6WK1D - anybody have a stay-pregnant dance?
I'm back at work today. Maybe I shouldn't be, I don't know, but the nurse at the ER was pretty blunt about saying she didn't think that bed rest would be any more or less effective - pretty much there's not much I or the doctor or anybody else can do to change fate. Except keep taking my meds, and my vitamin, and eating well, and drinking lots of water, and getting sleep. All the basic be-nice-to-yourself stuff that they'd suggest whether I was pregnant, had cancer, a cold or acne. It's the catch-all answer for everything.
And it doesn't feel like enough. There should be some magic ritual, some naked dance around a fire at midnight under a full moon while wearing a banana skin on my head or something, that would improve the odds. I guess I understand why so many cultures come up with chants and prayers and ceremonies and healing stones and talismans and whatever else they can think of to try and feel like they're doing something helpful, instead of sitting around waiting for a fate they have no ability to change.
So today I am still light-bleeding/heavy-spotting. My lower abdomen isn't crampy, but it's achy - like it's bruised. Maybe just overly sensitive? The vaginal ultrasound over the weekend was a lot more uncomfortable than usual, like I was swollen inside, and the ultrasound tech said that's pretty normal in early pregnancy.
I did have a thought over the weekend... even before we left for Greece, I was having to pee like every ten seconds for weeks. I assumed it was because of the Lupron and crazy doses of hormones. Once we got to Greece it continued, waking up in the middle of the night at least twice to pee - even after the transfer and after switching out the Lupron for heparin.
But since the spotting and bleeding started, I haven't had to pee as often. I've been able to sleep all the night through without having to get up. And I am starting to wonder - maybe the meds had my uterus full of extra blood and fluid? Maybe now that there's a baby in there, my body's just getting rid of the stuff it no longer needs in order to make room? Maybe maybe??
Most other pregnancy symptoms are still nonexistent. I am tired, yes, but that could have to do with emotional exhaustion and blood loss as much as anything else. I felt nauseous getting up this morning, but I always do in the mornings, especially in winter. My boobs are sore - a little, anyway. Otherwise not much going on, aside from the bleeding. If I didn't know better I'd say I was just having a regular AF.
We're doing half-doses of heparin every night now, trying to stretch out the injections as long as possible since apparently my meds aren't shipping until today, and then there's a 7-business-day wait for them to arrive. There's the slight chance they might arrive in 5 business days, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm going to ask my OBGYN on Thursday (assuming that the ultrasound shows that a baby is still in there) if they're willing to at least give me a prescription for progesterone in the meantime, so that I don't run out before the refills get here. That's the one med that I would be really, really worried about running out of, and I don't have much left.
The one good thing about being at work is that there's enough to do that I can stay relatively distracted most of the time. Thankfully I don't have any meetings scheduled for today, so I am just going to sit at my desk and try not to get up unless I absolutely have to...
And it doesn't feel like enough. There should be some magic ritual, some naked dance around a fire at midnight under a full moon while wearing a banana skin on my head or something, that would improve the odds. I guess I understand why so many cultures come up with chants and prayers and ceremonies and healing stones and talismans and whatever else they can think of to try and feel like they're doing something helpful, instead of sitting around waiting for a fate they have no ability to change.
So today I am still light-bleeding/heavy-spotting. My lower abdomen isn't crampy, but it's achy - like it's bruised. Maybe just overly sensitive? The vaginal ultrasound over the weekend was a lot more uncomfortable than usual, like I was swollen inside, and the ultrasound tech said that's pretty normal in early pregnancy.
I did have a thought over the weekend... even before we left for Greece, I was having to pee like every ten seconds for weeks. I assumed it was because of the Lupron and crazy doses of hormones. Once we got to Greece it continued, waking up in the middle of the night at least twice to pee - even after the transfer and after switching out the Lupron for heparin.
But since the spotting and bleeding started, I haven't had to pee as often. I've been able to sleep all the night through without having to get up. And I am starting to wonder - maybe the meds had my uterus full of extra blood and fluid? Maybe now that there's a baby in there, my body's just getting rid of the stuff it no longer needs in order to make room? Maybe maybe??
Most other pregnancy symptoms are still nonexistent. I am tired, yes, but that could have to do with emotional exhaustion and blood loss as much as anything else. I felt nauseous getting up this morning, but I always do in the mornings, especially in winter. My boobs are sore - a little, anyway. Otherwise not much going on, aside from the bleeding. If I didn't know better I'd say I was just having a regular AF.
We're doing half-doses of heparin every night now, trying to stretch out the injections as long as possible since apparently my meds aren't shipping until today, and then there's a 7-business-day wait for them to arrive. There's the slight chance they might arrive in 5 business days, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm going to ask my OBGYN on Thursday (assuming that the ultrasound shows that a baby is still in there) if they're willing to at least give me a prescription for progesterone in the meantime, so that I don't run out before the refills get here. That's the one med that I would be really, really worried about running out of, and I don't have much left.
The one good thing about being at work is that there's enough to do that I can stay relatively distracted most of the time. Thankfully I don't have any meetings scheduled for today, so I am just going to sit at my desk and try not to get up unless I absolutely have to...
Monday, January 5, 2015
SIX WEEKS
Stayed home from work today... slept very late, stayed in bed all day again. Feeling kind of woozy and really tired, especially after spending so many days in a row in bed. I think I'm just emotionally exhausted from all of this, more than anything else.
Bleeding today again, but lighter - maybe light enough to call heavy spotting. Still bright red. Barely any cramping, though. So back to work I go tomorrow, and I just have to make it through two more days until our next ultrasound.
Not exactly the triumphant fanfare I was hoping to enter our sixth week with. But at this point, if the baby is growing and things are okay on Thursday I will be so very grateful. Forget fanfare... I just want to stay pregnant. SIGH.
Bleeding today again, but lighter - maybe light enough to call heavy spotting. Still bright red. Barely any cramping, though. So back to work I go tomorrow, and I just have to make it through two more days until our next ultrasound.
Not exactly the triumphant fanfare I was hoping to enter our sixth week with. But at this point, if the baby is growing and things are okay on Thursday I will be so very grateful. Forget fanfare... I just want to stay pregnant. SIGH.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
5WK6D - unknowns are torture
Today I've stayed in bed. Only got out to take a quick shower, and when I had to go to the bathroom. There are less cramps than yesterday, but they're still happening. And same amount of blood flow. It seems so, so heavy to me, but yesterday the nurse said they wouldn't worry unless I was filling a pad an hour, and I'm not. To be honest It's more like one every eight hours. But that's a heavy period flow for me... And it's still scary. Still bright red. Still passing clots, no huge ones like yesterday but they're still unusual.
All other pregnancy symptoms seem to have fallen away. Or maybe I just can't feel them because the bleeding is taking up all my attention, I don't know.
Wish I could have an HcG and ultrasound every day, just so I could know whether the baby's still hanging on. Wish I just knew what was happening, if the bleeding is normal and safe or if it means something's wrong.
I texted my boss and let her know I'll be out tomorrow. I don't know what I'll do about the rest of the week, but at least for tomorrow I don't want to be going through this at work. At some point, though, I feel like I'll have to accept that there's nothing I can do. Either the baby will stick or it won't. And I don't know why I'm in such a rush to know which it's going to be, since it's not like I can hop on a plane back to Greece right away if it doesn't.... It will be months and months before I can pay off the HELOC enough to go back.
I'd be fine with bleeding and cramping for the next nine months if only I could be sure that the baby would still develop and come out healthy. But I've had my indulgent moment of panic, and need to wait until Thursday for the OB GYN appointment to find out anything more. In the meantime trying to distract myself with puppy cuddles, page proofs, and korean drama.
Oh, and Kaitlin did the grocery shopping today and brought me flowers. <3
All other pregnancy symptoms seem to have fallen away. Or maybe I just can't feel them because the bleeding is taking up all my attention, I don't know.
Wish I could have an HcG and ultrasound every day, just so I could know whether the baby's still hanging on. Wish I just knew what was happening, if the bleeding is normal and safe or if it means something's wrong.
I texted my boss and let her know I'll be out tomorrow. I don't know what I'll do about the rest of the week, but at least for tomorrow I don't want to be going through this at work. At some point, though, I feel like I'll have to accept that there's nothing I can do. Either the baby will stick or it won't. And I don't know why I'm in such a rush to know which it's going to be, since it's not like I can hop on a plane back to Greece right away if it doesn't.... It will be months and months before I can pay off the HELOC enough to go back.
I'd be fine with bleeding and cramping for the next nine months if only I could be sure that the baby would still develop and come out healthy. But I've had my indulgent moment of panic, and need to wait until Thursday for the OB GYN appointment to find out anything more. In the meantime trying to distract myself with puppy cuddles, page proofs, and korean drama.
Oh, and Kaitlin did the grocery shopping today and brought me flowers. <3
Saturday, January 3, 2015
5WK5D, Part Deux - Threatened Miscarriage
The bleeding and cramps got so bad tonight that I decided to go to the ER. Kaitlin had to drive me there, in the middle of a snowfall, with the roads so bad that her car got stuck in our cul-de-sac and we had to take mine instead.
We made it to the ER, where everybody was very nice, and we were there for about three hours. They put an IV in my elbow (ow, ow, OW) and asked a ton of questions and were pretty confused by the whole IVF-in-Greece thing. But they did a pelvic exam, and took urine and blood samples, and did an ultrasound. All the while I am bleeding, and cramping, and crying.
Bottom line is, they can't say for sure what's happening. They sent me home with a diagnosis of a "threatened miscarriage."
They did an HCG test, and the results came back at 7900ish. Given that I was at 425 on 12/26, and doing the math thereafter, that's actually in the right range... which is a bit of a comfort, at least.
And the ultrasound was tough... they kept saying everything was too small and it was too early to really see much. It does appear that there's only one sac in there. But, it looks like they did see the hint of a fetal pole, and both Kaitlin and the ultrasound tech were pretty sure they saw a heartbeat (though at this stage it could also have been my heartbeat, so no guarantees.)
So the bad news is, we could be miscarrying and won't know for a while, until the next few ultrasounds. I am still cramping and bleeding right now, and scared... really scared. Also I am not looking forward to the emergency room bill when it arrives and am a little worried how much it's going to cost. And my arm hurts from that stupid IV.
The good news is, my HcG levels are where they should be, and there's definitely a sac in there, with something in it, that may have a heartbeat. Looks like there's only one, which I am perfectly content with. So whatever this bleeding is, it hasn't flushed the baby out, at least not yet. Maybe there's still a chance that things will be okay.
It could be that there was a second embryo that didn't make it, and that's what this bleeding is all about. It could be that the heparin I'm on is making too much blood in my uterus and my uterus is just flushing it so there's room for the baby. Or it could still turn into miscarriage. This is literally a glass half full vs. half empty situation, because apparently 50% of the women who bleed like this miscarry, while 50% of them go on to have normal pregnancies.
Meanwhile the cramps are still coming, though less frequently now. The blood is still coming... though maybe a little less of it?? I can't quite tell. I'm staying in bed all day tomorrow and toying with the idea of staying home from work on Monday... though there is a really important interview I'm supposed to do on Monday and I would hate to miss it. I would hate miscarrying even more, though, so I'm going to do what my gut tells me to do once I see how the bleeding behaves tomorrow.
So far, pregnancy has been kind of fun, but also the most scary and stressful thing I've been through. That doesn't mean I don't want to stay pregnant, little bean, you hear me? Stay in there and hang on, okay? Please?
We made it to the ER, where everybody was very nice, and we were there for about three hours. They put an IV in my elbow (ow, ow, OW) and asked a ton of questions and were pretty confused by the whole IVF-in-Greece thing. But they did a pelvic exam, and took urine and blood samples, and did an ultrasound. All the while I am bleeding, and cramping, and crying.
Bottom line is, they can't say for sure what's happening. They sent me home with a diagnosis of a "threatened miscarriage."
They did an HCG test, and the results came back at 7900ish. Given that I was at 425 on 12/26, and doing the math thereafter, that's actually in the right range... which is a bit of a comfort, at least.
And the ultrasound was tough... they kept saying everything was too small and it was too early to really see much. It does appear that there's only one sac in there. But, it looks like they did see the hint of a fetal pole, and both Kaitlin and the ultrasound tech were pretty sure they saw a heartbeat (though at this stage it could also have been my heartbeat, so no guarantees.)
So the bad news is, we could be miscarrying and won't know for a while, until the next few ultrasounds. I am still cramping and bleeding right now, and scared... really scared. Also I am not looking forward to the emergency room bill when it arrives and am a little worried how much it's going to cost. And my arm hurts from that stupid IV.
The good news is, my HcG levels are where they should be, and there's definitely a sac in there, with something in it, that may have a heartbeat. Looks like there's only one, which I am perfectly content with. So whatever this bleeding is, it hasn't flushed the baby out, at least not yet. Maybe there's still a chance that things will be okay.
It could be that there was a second embryo that didn't make it, and that's what this bleeding is all about. It could be that the heparin I'm on is making too much blood in my uterus and my uterus is just flushing it so there's room for the baby. Or it could still turn into miscarriage. This is literally a glass half full vs. half empty situation, because apparently 50% of the women who bleed like this miscarry, while 50% of them go on to have normal pregnancies.
Meanwhile the cramps are still coming, though less frequently now. The blood is still coming... though maybe a little less of it?? I can't quite tell. I'm staying in bed all day tomorrow and toying with the idea of staying home from work on Monday... though there is a really important interview I'm supposed to do on Monday and I would hate to miss it. I would hate miscarrying even more, though, so I'm going to do what my gut tells me to do once I see how the bleeding behaves tomorrow.
So far, pregnancy has been kind of fun, but also the most scary and stressful thing I've been through. That doesn't mean I don't want to stay pregnant, little bean, you hear me? Stay in there and hang on, okay? Please?
5WK5D - pretty sure it's over
Today's not a great day. I decided to put myself on bed rest all weekend in the hopes that it would help. I was still spotting, lightly, last night.... We went to see "Into The Woods" at the movies, then came home and went to bed. I had a great night's sleep and have spent all day in bed surfing on my iPad. Kaitlin went out and got me some chicken and biscuits from KFC as it's what I really wanted for breakfast. But it's close to 3 in the afternoon now and I am feeling lightly crampy, and the blood flow is increasing. I'd describe it as heavy spotting, or a light flow. There are clots in it now, and while the color is still dark it's getting brighter.
It's definitely cramping and not gas this time. The cramps aren't bad.... Aren't even as bad as they were the night we got our BFP. But they are really scary.
I just want this time of uncertainty to be over. I just want to have that damn ultrasound and maybe another HcG test so that I can know if it's worth having hope at this point. I'm tired of the yo-yo between "it's going to be fine" and "it's over, let's get ready to try again."
Six more days until we get our answer. I may just lose my mind. ;.;
So Kaitlin and I are watching some Xena and talking about turning our Las Vegas elopement into a Xena/Gabrielle themed thing. Trying to distract myself as much as possible.
EDIT:
It's over. I'm cramping and bleeding bright red now, heavy as a normal period, and just passed a clot the size of a flattened golf ball.
We still have to wait until our ultrasound date to confirm it. Then we have to wait for months while I feed us on ramen and try to pay off our debt enough to try again. Then we have another TWW and more waiting after that to see if it sticks.
I am so sick of waiting. I hate the world right now. Excuse me while I go cry for the rest of the night.
It's definitely cramping and not gas this time. The cramps aren't bad.... Aren't even as bad as they were the night we got our BFP. But they are really scary.
I just want this time of uncertainty to be over. I just want to have that damn ultrasound and maybe another HcG test so that I can know if it's worth having hope at this point. I'm tired of the yo-yo between "it's going to be fine" and "it's over, let's get ready to try again."
Six more days until we get our answer. I may just lose my mind. ;.;
So Kaitlin and I are watching some Xena and talking about turning our Las Vegas elopement into a Xena/Gabrielle themed thing. Trying to distract myself as much as possible.
EDIT:
It's over. I'm cramping and bleeding bright red now, heavy as a normal period, and just passed a clot the size of a flattened golf ball.
We still have to wait until our ultrasound date to confirm it. Then we have to wait for months while I feed us on ramen and try to pay off our debt enough to try again. Then we have another TWW and more waiting after that to see if it sticks.
I am so sick of waiting. I hate the world right now. Excuse me while I go cry for the rest of the night.
Friday, January 2, 2015
5WK4D - More spotting and med problems
The drama just doesn't seem to stop, does it...?
Early this morning I was back to spotting again. An hour or two later, back to light bleeding - maybe light enough to call spotting? Still very dark brown, which the internet seems to think is good, with small clots (maybe not so good.) No major cramping, but lots of gas pain - and sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference between gas pain and cramps. Trying to be zen about the whole thing, but this is probably the most nervewracking thing I've gone through yet in this whole TTC journey. Add to that all the crazy hormones that are setting my emotions on edge, and you have one very sad and scared lady over here.
Our ultrasound isn't for another week. In the meantime, I am due to run out of heparin injections on 1/7. The place I am trying to order them from, in the UK, is making my life difficult - requiring the Greek clinic to email them directly with the prescription (which they finally did this morning) and now asking for an amended prescription so I can get the right kind of Utrogestan. And even if we do get the technicalities worked out, they won't ship them until 1/5. I paid extra for the fastest shipping they have - 7 days to the US - but that's business days, not calendar days, so I won't get the meds until 1/13. Thankfully I should have *just* enough progesterone and estrogen to get me through.
But, the Greek clinic says that's too long to go without the heparin. I don't know what to do. US pharmacies won't accept international prescriptions, and I can't find a doc here who is willing to re-prescribe the meds for me. So all I can think of is that we'll have to take our remaining handful of doses every other day, or do a half-dose every day, to try and make them last longer. I asked Sotiria at the Greek clinic if this is an option, but I won't hear from her until tomorrow morning because it's past business hours for them now.
I'm sure all the stress isn't helping. I got to work this morning and our computer system isn't working, and is likely to be down all day. I suppose I should be somewhat grateful, as that means I literally can't get most of my work done, and will have no choice but to spend the day trying to find other things, like filing and keeping an eye on my staff. Oh, and this phone call I have to make in a few minutes to our contracting agency.
Really don't want to do any of it. Really want to go home and sleep. But there's only two of us in the office today, so that's not exactly an option. Also, dizzy again after taking my morning meds.
SIGH.
Fatigue yesterday and today, like I could just sleep for a hundred million years. Also some nausea this morning, which got better after I made myself eat a sandwich from Panera that I really didn't want, but eventually ate the whole thing.
Hoping for a quiet and uneventful day with few responsibilities. Honestly, hoping for a day when it will be mostly ok to zone out and try to relax. The house is a wreck and we desperately need groceries, but I'm going to have to ask Kaitlin to do most of the work this weekend because I just don't have the energy.
If only I knew that this was going to stick and everything was going to be okay. Then I could relax and just enjoy the tiredness and tummy yucks as pregnancy symptoms.
Kaitlin and I did talk last night though, and we decided. If this doesn't work, we ARE going back for another try, $10K or no. We'll figure the money stuff out however we have to. But it feels like we've come too far to give up now. So I'm holding on to that... even if this ends, it won't be the end.
Just have to make it until tomorrow.
Early this morning I was back to spotting again. An hour or two later, back to light bleeding - maybe light enough to call spotting? Still very dark brown, which the internet seems to think is good, with small clots (maybe not so good.) No major cramping, but lots of gas pain - and sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference between gas pain and cramps. Trying to be zen about the whole thing, but this is probably the most nervewracking thing I've gone through yet in this whole TTC journey. Add to that all the crazy hormones that are setting my emotions on edge, and you have one very sad and scared lady over here.
Our ultrasound isn't for another week. In the meantime, I am due to run out of heparin injections on 1/7. The place I am trying to order them from, in the UK, is making my life difficult - requiring the Greek clinic to email them directly with the prescription (which they finally did this morning) and now asking for an amended prescription so I can get the right kind of Utrogestan. And even if we do get the technicalities worked out, they won't ship them until 1/5. I paid extra for the fastest shipping they have - 7 days to the US - but that's business days, not calendar days, so I won't get the meds until 1/13. Thankfully I should have *just* enough progesterone and estrogen to get me through.
But, the Greek clinic says that's too long to go without the heparin. I don't know what to do. US pharmacies won't accept international prescriptions, and I can't find a doc here who is willing to re-prescribe the meds for me. So all I can think of is that we'll have to take our remaining handful of doses every other day, or do a half-dose every day, to try and make them last longer. I asked Sotiria at the Greek clinic if this is an option, but I won't hear from her until tomorrow morning because it's past business hours for them now.
I'm sure all the stress isn't helping. I got to work this morning and our computer system isn't working, and is likely to be down all day. I suppose I should be somewhat grateful, as that means I literally can't get most of my work done, and will have no choice but to spend the day trying to find other things, like filing and keeping an eye on my staff. Oh, and this phone call I have to make in a few minutes to our contracting agency.
Really don't want to do any of it. Really want to go home and sleep. But there's only two of us in the office today, so that's not exactly an option. Also, dizzy again after taking my morning meds.
SIGH.
Fatigue yesterday and today, like I could just sleep for a hundred million years. Also some nausea this morning, which got better after I made myself eat a sandwich from Panera that I really didn't want, but eventually ate the whole thing.
Hoping for a quiet and uneventful day with few responsibilities. Honestly, hoping for a day when it will be mostly ok to zone out and try to relax. The house is a wreck and we desperately need groceries, but I'm going to have to ask Kaitlin to do most of the work this weekend because I just don't have the energy.
If only I knew that this was going to stick and everything was going to be okay. Then I could relax and just enjoy the tiredness and tummy yucks as pregnancy symptoms.
Kaitlin and I did talk last night though, and we decided. If this doesn't work, we ARE going back for another try, $10K or no. We'll figure the money stuff out however we have to. But it feels like we've come too far to give up now. So I'm holding on to that... even if this ends, it won't be the end.
Just have to make it until tomorrow.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
5WK3D - Not such a great new year
I was so happy this morning. It seemed like the spotting was gone. I spent most of the day in bed, super tired, super hungry. But it seemed like everything would be okay after all, and so I was excited about the way our new year was shaping up.
Kaitlin came home, brought me food. I took my meds. She brought the heparin shot up to our bedroom, and I decided to go to the bathroom before she gave it to me. Went in there, and....
I'm bleeding. It's not spotting, like yesterday, it's bleeding. Equivalent to a relatively light period day, and dark brown.
I'm terrified. It's 9:30 PM and I have to figure out how to sleep, because I have to work tomorrow - can't call in, because there's only two of us scheduled to be in the office thanks to all the staffing chaos that's been going down. And I may be losing my baby, and there's nothing anybody can do about it. Nothing I can do about it.
I cried for a while, but it feels like a waste of emotion on something I have no control over. We still took the shot, I'll keep taking my meds, and we wait to see what tomorrow brings. What the ultrasound on Thursday brings... it's a week away. And then we figure out what to do next...
Kaitlin came home, brought me food. I took my meds. She brought the heparin shot up to our bedroom, and I decided to go to the bathroom before she gave it to me. Went in there, and....
I'm bleeding. It's not spotting, like yesterday, it's bleeding. Equivalent to a relatively light period day, and dark brown.
I'm terrified. It's 9:30 PM and I have to figure out how to sleep, because I have to work tomorrow - can't call in, because there's only two of us scheduled to be in the office thanks to all the staffing chaos that's been going down. And I may be losing my baby, and there's nothing anybody can do about it. Nothing I can do about it.
I cried for a while, but it feels like a waste of emotion on something I have no control over. We still took the shot, I'll keep taking my meds, and we wait to see what tomorrow brings. What the ultrasound on Thursday brings... it's a week away. And then we figure out what to do next...
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