Mood swings tonight. Feeling sorry for myself. Deleted a long and bitter post about why I'm down in the dumps again, but here's the gist: Yesterday evening and most of today I was feeling optimistic, even though I'm still bleeding lightly ( and now there's this weird clear EWCM texture to it, WTF.) But I just passed a weird dime-sized clot that I think had pinkish/yellowish tissue attached. So now I'm swinging the other way, feeling pretty sure we're done.
All this back and forth feels so self indulgent and whiny. All the pessimism and impatience are things I like least about myself. This is bringing out the worst in me, apparently. I would like to be that gracious, joyful, grateful person who hopes sweetly for good things and handles disappointment with gentleness and strength and the pluck to dust off her butt and hop right back on the horse that threw her. But I guess I'm too selfish and impatient to be able to pull it off.
I feel like I'm letting this bean down by feeling pessimistic, but I'm being arrogant if I'm optimistic. And I can't find a middle ground of zen-ness because I want this too much.
Tomorrow's scan cannot come fast enough. And neither pessimism nor optimism makes one bit of difference as to whether I stay pregnant. But oh HOW I wish there would be a heartbeat tomorrow.
In about twelve hours we'll see.
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