5WK6D - unknowns are torture

Today I've stayed in bed. Only got out to take a quick shower, and when I had to go to the bathroom. There are less cramps than yesterday, but they're still happening. And same amount of blood flow. It seems so, so heavy to me, but yesterday the nurse said they wouldn't worry unless I was filling a pad an hour, and I'm not. To be honest It's more like one every eight hours. But that's a heavy period flow for me... And it's still scary. Still bright red. Still passing clots, no huge ones like yesterday but they're still unusual.

All other pregnancy symptoms seem to have fallen away. Or maybe I just can't feel them because the bleeding is taking up all my attention, I don't know.

Wish I could have an HcG and ultrasound every day, just so I could know whether the baby's still hanging on. Wish I just knew what was happening, if the bleeding is normal and safe or if it means something's wrong.

I texted my boss and let her know I'll be out tomorrow. I don't know what I'll do about the rest of the week, but at least for tomorrow I don't want to be going through this at work. At some point, though, I feel like I'll have to accept that there's nothing I can do. Either the baby will stick or it won't. And I don't know why I'm in such a rush to know which it's going to be, since it's not like I can hop on a plane back to Greece right away if it doesn't.... It will be months and months before I can pay off the HELOC enough to go back.

I'd be fine with bleeding and cramping for the next nine months if only I could be sure that the baby would still develop and come out healthy. But I've had my indulgent moment of panic, and need to wait until Thursday for the OB GYN appointment to find out anything more. In the meantime trying to distract myself with puppy cuddles, page proofs, and korean drama.

Oh, and Kaitlin did the grocery shopping today and brought me flowers. <3