And like I feared, it's the waking up that hurts most. Waking up and remembering that I'm not more pregnant today than yesterday, that there's no baby coming in September, that everything I have to do at work next week will not be underscored with the secret joy of pregnancy, that nothing is different between today and last year except that I'm $15k deeper in debt.
And to top it off I realized that somehow I have to learn how to give myself injections for the next round, because I have to travel alone. And while that may sound stupid, since I've been having daily injections for a year now, I am having a near panic attack. I have a needle phobia. It takes every ounce of willpower I have, every night, to brace myself for each injection.... And sometimes I am so scared I can't breathe. How am I ever going to be able to give the shot to myself??
Yet we will be scraping every penny just to be able to go back at all. We can't afford two plane tickets.
Am I insane to want to do this again? But when I think about giving up, I feel so depressed I can't stand it. I actually don't know what I will do with my life if I don't get pregnant. I don't know what will get me through the day, for the rest of my life, if I don't have that dream to hold on to. Like, what's the point of continuing to get out of bed in the morning...
I am hungover and wide awake and miserable and still bleeding. But woke up to an email that the Greek clinic will give me a second try for 4800 euro. The us dollar's stronger now too, so that makes the cost about $5700. I'll need $1300 for a plane ticket and probably $250 for hotel and $200ish for taxis and $200 ish for meds... $7650. If the dollar holds. It's still a lot of money but I can do this... I can do this.
Just have to stop bleeding first. And find the strength to get out of bed.
EDIT: and the meds I was so anxious about just arrived on my doorstep. I would have had them in time... If there was still a baby that needed them. But it's just as well that they got here today. Might as well get the loss over with all at once. Better to get the full beating right away than to drag it out over weeks and months. Life is going to move on whether I want it to or not.
This absolute breaks my heart :( I am so, so, so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI don't have needle phobia and I don't know if this will help (I have other severe anxieties and phobias so I know they're not rationally dealt with!) but my SIL hates needles and got a device called a 'buzzy' that's like a vibrating ice pack and it blocks the sensation of the needle going in from reaching your brain.
Have you considered doing a gofundme type fundraiser to try and raise money for a second cycle? I don't know a whole lot of people who have raised the full amount, but an extra 1 or 2 thousand dollars couldn't hurt! :)