Today is the seventh day after our miscarriage was confirmed. Tomorrow I go in for an HcG to see whether it's gone down to zero. Then it's just a matter of waiting for AF, and then waiting for AF again, and in the meantime trying to spend as little a possible and save as much as I can... And waiting for all my tax documents so I can file for that refund.
I cried for a while again last night. It doesn't matter how sick I am of waiting, there is no other option. I can't make AF come any faster. I can't put money in my bank account any faster. I can't do anything but wait. And I hate that I have to try and make it through day after day after week after month of life without a child, without even the ability to take definitive action to try for one again. And yes, I know this is obsessive and unhealthy and if I were giving advice to myself I would say all the wise things about how I need to find happiness within, and love the life I do have rather than wishing for one that I can't force into existence.
And though I know those things are true, I hate the truth of them.
But I also hate feeling so sad and empty.
Eventually I'll get there. Eventually I have to make the choice between being happy with what I have, or only focusing on the unhappiness of not having what I want. And while I don't have the option of forcing the future that I want, I do have the option of living happily or not.
Still, I think I need a little more wallowing time before I'm going to be ready.
In training all day today at work. It's actually keeping me pretty distracted, and I'm grateful for that. But I will be glad when this work week is over. Have a three day weekend coming up and I need to use it to clean and get groceries and put life back into some semblance of order. I should probably clean my poor little car, too. And commit to at least one social activity... Even though I don't feel like seeing anyone or doing anything.
We'll see. For now I just have to head back into training.
I'm hoping your HcG is zeroed out - it imagine it's horrible going back for bloodwork and waiting for it to fall :( Glad you have training at work to distract you and a three day weekend ahead. Take it easy on yourself. <3
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you're still checking this blog at the moment, but I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hoping that you're as okay as you can be, all things considered. <3 <3 <3
ReplyDeleteThanks Ariel... I haven't felt much up for blogging the past few days, but I'm still around. Just trying to move on at this point (and so frustrated by the weeks and weeks of waiting ahead before we get to try again.) <3 Anyway, I was so glad to see that things are still going well for you and your little bean!! At least one of us December IVF girls needs to take home a baby from all this. ;) Hope you're feeling well and the little one's not giving you too much morning sickness trouble...
ReplyDeleteThat's totally okay - do whatever you need to take care of yourself!! I just wanted to let you know that you are not forgotten!
ReplyDeleteAnd I know, our December IVF group is kind of a bust - I really wanted sticky BFP's and uncomplicated pregnancies for everybody. But Turtlehart is up again in February and you're talking spring, right?