5WK2D - Wait and see :(

It's the last day of 2014. And I am a little terrified - was doing fine this morning until I went to the bathroom a few minutes ago and found that I'm spotting. Now, it could be completely normal. Might not mean anything at all. It's not a heavy or bright flow, I'm feeling some unusual twinges/tightness/heaviness in my abdomen but not cramping, per se - and this is just a bit of brown spotting. I don't usually spot, I usually full-on BLEED, so it could still be okay.

But I am so worried that it's not. ;.;

I only *just* managed to get this new OB/GYN to agree to see me next week, when they didn't want to do it until the end of January. I can't exactly call them and ask them to see me *omgrightnow* because of spotting. But if I call my RE's office they'll tell me I'm not their patient anymore. And the Greek clinic is too far away to be able to do anything or tell me anything about it. There's nothing to do but wait until tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, and pray that it doesn't turn into any sort of full flow.

Last night I went to my general physician, who had me give a urine sample. They couldn't find any indication of a UTI in the basic test they did, but he prescribed me antibiotics anyway to be safe - Keflex, which he says is safe for pregnancy. I went home in the -10 degree weather, ate dinner, then drove to the pharmacy to pick up the meds. They taste TERRIBLE. Like, gag-me terrible. But I managed to get them down, along with my last progesterone pill of the day, and Kaitlin gave me the heparin shot (shudder) and I went to bed early.

Exhausted this morning, even harder time getting the antibiotics down, but already the super-frequent peeing seems to have slowed as has some of the discomfort I was feeling yesterday. Ate some yogurt for probiotics, and will need to make sure to have pretty decent servings every day until I'm off the antibiotics. Was feeling pretty awesome about today, and ending the year pregnant, and all of that - and then this.

And there's nothing to do but wait and see. It's not like there's anything they could do at this point if I WAS miscarrying. It will either happen or it won't. But I am so worried that this cold, and possible UTI, might have done something bad to the pregnancy. And I won't really know if there's still a baby in there until next week. We may or may not get to see a heartbeat - if the baby's in there and doing ok it will have a beating heart by then, but may be too small to see it. Or maybe there were two babies in there, and the spotting has to do with one of them not being strong enough to make it. Or maybe there are two babies in there, and the spotting is related to having twins - apparently that's more common in twin pregnancies. So many unknowns. Oh, oh, OH THE CONTROL FREAK IN ME HATES THE UNKNOWNS OF TTC. Seriously. It is so hard to plan for the future when things are so up in the air.

Will I get pregnant?
When will I get pregnant?
Will the pregnancy stick?
If the pregnancy doesn't stick, how long before miscarriage happens?
How many babies are in there?
If there's more than one, will they all make it?
What sex(es) are the baby(ies)?
Will the baby(ies) develop normally and be healthy?
Will having a cold/UTI/whatever cause interference with the pregnancy in any way?
If the pregnancy doesn't stick, how long before we can try again?

And on, and on, and on. Where is my crystal ball, dammit?? Or my time machine, so I can hop a couple years into the future and get answers to these questions, every one of which will have a relatively significant impact on the way my future progresses. Yet none will have answers AT LEAST until next week at the first u/s, and maybe not for weeks or months after that. Oh, how I hate unknowns. And I realize my little type-A personality needs to Let It Go. I should probably have that song on repeat right now, seriously. This is a skill I am seriously lacking.

So we achieved our OLW for 2014 - CONCEIVE. I was considering what the word for 2015 will be, but I think I'll have to hold off on deciding until we see what happens at the ultrasound next week. Until we see if this holds, I don't know what's coming next. But maybe it should have something to do with learning to let go. If there was one skill in this life that I really, really need, it's that one. I'm awful at it.

I am hoping and wishing that the spotting goes away. Maybe it's just the infection being cleared by the antibiotics? Maybe it's just the baby snuggling in a little deeper, getting a better grip in there?

Please, oh please, universe, don't take this away now. PLEASE.  After everything we've done to get here this year, it will just make me want to curl up into a little ball and implode...

EDIT:  Okay, deep breath. I am reminding myself that the day we got our BFP, I had lots of cramping - bad enough to use a heating pad - and spotting that was much heavier than this. But I'd felt pretty peaceful and confident anyway, because for the very first time I had a second line on a test.

So bottom line is, I need to have a nice, big pregnant-lady lunch, including a plate full of greens, carrots, tomatoes and snow peas, and a lentil and sausage soup. I need to take my meds, take my vitamins, drink water like it's going out of style, and rest assured that no matter what happens, it's not the end. Worst case scenario, we miscarry - and I'll shuck money at our HELOC until I have enough to try again. October - maybe August.

Internet says 50% of women with spotting don't miscarry. Other studies show even better percentages than that. So stressing isn't going to help - but eating and drinking and resting will, and that's just what I'm going to do.

I have tomorrow off, for the New Year's holiday. I am assigning myself to bed rest for the entire day. No chores, no nothing. I will sleep as late as I want, I will take a nap, and I will sit in bed and do page proofs all day long. If Kaitlin is home I will make her bring me food. :P

In the meantime, since I got paid today, I paid my bills. Did a little research on our travel American Express, and due to some promotional benefits and the significant portion of our Greek trip that I was able to use it for, I should end up with enough rewards points to get free airline tickets to Vegas for our elopement later this year.

Or maybe it's just the afternoon meds making me dizzy, which is a feeling slightly like being drunk, in which things feel less serious and less important and I feel oddly more relaxed. Now back to our regularly scheduled workday, and I'm actually going to try and enjoy this (perfectly legal, even at work, haha) buzz. LOL.

5WK1D - Possible UTI and other developments...

So what I thought was just a quirky pregnancy symptom has, in the last 24 hours, worsened to the point where I now suspect I have a UTI. I've had a couple of them before, never very pleasant, but apparently it sounds like pregnant women are particularly susceptible to them (and partly because of the progesterone in their systems which weaken muscle tone around the urethral tubes, or something??) Seeing as how I'm on 800 mg of progesterone a DAY, it makes sense.

But I've been getting increasingly uncomfortable even as my cold is slowly getting better. I called the OB/GYN today, and after a bunch of shuffling around managed to get an appointment for next week - January 8th - for an ultrasound. They weren't going to see me that early, but I explained to them that I had an IVF transfer in Greece and the Greek clinic needs ultrasound results to ensure my medication dosages, and they managed to get me in. (Hee, I get a u/s at 6 weeks instead of having to wait until 8!)

But a few hours after making the appointment, I was uncomfortable enough to realize that I just can't wait that long to see if this is a UTI and get treatment for it - I'm already a lot less comfortable than I was yesterday and I don't want to do ANYTHING that might end up risking the pregnancy. So, I called my general physician's office and they're going to get me in at 5:20 tonight. Thank goodness. If they prescribe me something, I think I will also end up picking up some cheap pregnancy tests when I pick the prescription up.

In the meantime, trying to eat lots of snacks and stay super hydrated. I am ALMOST caught up on the work that's on my desk from being out... almost. Hopefully by end of the day tomorrow it will be back to normal again.

Also, I am super tired. Then again, I'm often super tired. :P But I think right now it's a combination of trying to fight off this cold and being pregnant. The cold is getting a little better every day. I was able to sleep ok last night, about half as snuffly today as I was yesterday.

Oh, and I finally got the prescription for my progesterone/estrogen/heparin refills from the Greek clinic, and again got to play the fun internet game of where-the-hell-do-i-order-these-from. The place I ordered from last time doesn't carry the heparin. Finally found a UK clinic that offers all three and has 7-day shipping. Which will be cutting it close, but hopefully still get here on time. I sent the order in - around 367 British pounds, no idea how much that's going to be in USD when it's all said and done... guess we'll see. Hoping it will be my last major TTC expenditure, because all the ones going forward should be covered by insurance - yay!!

Now to get through the rest of the day until I can get to the doctor...

FIVE WEEKS

Sore throat is gone, but still sneezy and snuffly. However, I got the best sleep last night (almost 8 hours straight) that I've had since we returned from Greece, without any interruptions, and I think that helped a lot.

Definitely nauseous today. At first I thought it might just be my usual morning nausea, especially since I've been making myself eat breakfast. I pretty much always feel sick to my stomach when I wake up, especially if I haven't had enough sleep, and it gets worse if I eat - especially if I eat something sweet. This morning I had some grape-nuts cereal with blueberries, a little honey, and milk, and so on the drive to work I was feeling queasy, but that's pretty par for the course with me.

 But, it's afternoon now and it still hasn't gone away. It's not awful or unbearable, just a general sort of background yuck. It's actually less intrusive if I don't think about it and focus on work, so that's what I've been trying to do.

I went to the grocery store on my lunch break, though, and bought myself a Christmas present - the mini-fridge I've had my eye on all year. Since being pregnant's going to require frequent snacks, I figure it's time I had a little fridge at work to store them in. It's still out in my car, though, because I don't want to have to answer a bunch of questions from my staff when I bring it in. I'm going to wait until they've all gone for the day before I bring it in and set it up. Stealth!Fridge. LOL.

Oddly enough, what I am craving right now is leafy greens. Sitting here eating a big salad and my tummy is rejoicing, even through its slightly seasick feeling. Meds are still making me dizzy after each dose - I think I'm going to have to be careful about driving right after I've taken them.

Still having to pee a ridiculous number of times a day. And, while this may be TMI for some folks, how come no one ever talks about feminine itching as a pregnancy symptom? Because I've googled it, and it IS one (thank goodness, because I was starting to think I might have an infection or something.) But of all the stuff I've seen pregnant ladies talk about, this is one that was kind of a surprise. O.o Awkward much??

Right now I am just more grateful than I can express that the sore throat is really and truly gone. That was one of the most uncomfortable ones I've ever had, and dealing with the snuffles now feels like cake in comparison, bah! I did make a call and leave a message for the appointment scheduler at the hospital that's halfway between work and home, but haven't heard back yet. I was having phone trouble earlier this morning so if I don't hear from them in another hour or so I figure I'll call back again. Really looking forward to having an ultrasound appointment date, so that I can put it on my calendar and count down to it. Hoping very, very much that everything's progressing like it's supposed to. Also, it would be really nice to know whether we're looking at twins or a singleton. That question's going to be burning up my brain until we know for sure.

4WK6D - Lazy Day

A little more energy today, a little less soreness in the throat, somewhat more sleep last night than the night before. Still sick, but on the upswing. Feeling a little nauseous tonight but I'm still thinking it's the cold, not the pregnancy. Got a few small things done around the house, like putting away some laundry and emptying the dishwasher, but overall I've really spent most of the day sitting on the couch doing nothing and trying not to nap, since when I nap my insomnia kicks in at night.

I did have a really vivid, disturbing dream last night. Like, a pure EVIL dream. Disturbing enough that I woke up feeling sick, and suddenly feeling like I could kind of understand how ladies who have recurring nightmares while pregnant might become convinced that their unborn child was somehow demonic, because there was such evil going on in their dreams. It actually took me a while to calm down and remind myself that pregnancy does weird shit to one's brain. But ew yuck shudder ugh! I hope I don't have many more of those, because that was not fun at all.

Guess in a bizarre way it means so far, so good. Though I haven't taken a pregnancy test of any kind all weekend and, dumb though it might be, it makes me nervous not to have confirmation that baby(ies) is/are still in there.

Tomorrow I call the OB/GYN and see if I can set up an ultrasound appointment. Tomorrow will officially be five weeks. I'm trying to brace myself, as everything I've read says that morning sickness is coming soon. And honestly, with everything that's going on at work I don't know how I'm going to deal. My mom says morning sickness was really bad for her... and she was a stay at home mom, so she didn't have to try and balance it with work. I inherited her early menopause, so it makes sense to expect I'll inherit the sickness too. A little worried about how bad it might be.

We still haven't really told anyone, other than a vague "so far it's working, let's wait and see" kind of thing to a very few members of the family, the ones who knew what we were going to Greece for. I feel like saying something right now will jinx it. It still doesn't quite feel real. I think my boss is actually going to end up being the first to know because I'll need time off, maybe some work from home time, when the sickness hits.

If I'm still pregnant. Cause, you know, I haven't had a pee test to confirm it. And once I had the beta, well, the pee test feels inadequate. Now I want the blood test on a regular schedule just so I can be reassured that the numbers are still rising like they should. SIGH. Also, I want to BUY ALL THE BABY THINGS. Which is completely jumping the gun, since first of all I have less than no money, and second we are still in that super delicate time when this could turn out to be an early loss.

But I think I may not ever be able to fully trust this thing until I actually have a baby in my arms. And that's going to be a very, very long time away. I should probably just be focusing one one thing at a time right now... Like kicking this cold. That first.

4WK5D - A Little Better

Last night was rough.  My throat hurt so bad I could barely think about anything else, so I went to bed around eight or so... Woke up at midnight to pee and couldn't go back to sleep, I was just too uncomfortable. So I stayed up for a while surfing on my iPad, and around 3 am was finally able to go back to sleep. Woke up again at 7, used the bathroom, and was actually able to doze off again until about 9.

The sleep has done a lot of good, though I still feel tired. My throat is better, still sore but at least now it's bearable. And, I had an epiphany in the middle of the night about the nursery, which I pitched to Kaitlin this morning and she loves... We're thinking of doing an "It's A Small World" theme. Since one of the things we dream of doing with our kid(s) is taking them with us on international vacations to see the world, it seems like a really apropos theme... And, it's definitely non-gendered. I think I'm going to make a ton of plushies (one of my online friends is a near-expert at it and I've always wanted to try it myself) with the different international costumes, and we'll either arrange them on a shelf or maybe clip them to strings that drape the walls... And Kaitlin will do a big mural, and I'll appliqué a crib blanket and/or bumper or maybe make some Spoonflower fabric for sheets and curtains. Not entirely sure yet what the entire thing will look like but we're excited about it.

I heard back from the Greek clinic last night... Our coordinator's going to send me a prescription so I can order more of the meds I'm on (we only have 11 days of injections left and apparently we have to keep them up for the next 5 weeks.) and, we are supposed to schedule an ultrasound in 2 weeks. I think I am going to try and schedule that with an OB/GYN instead of the fertility clinic, though. I want to find a doctor who will consider me their patient and actually talk to me about what's going on.

Two weeks feels like a really, really long time to go without reassurance that the pregnancy is still progressing like it should. I wish they'd at least let me do HcG tests every week or so. :/ I may end up buying more pregnancy tests just to reassure myself that things are ok.

But anyway, eating spicy soup now and staying in bed today, even though the house really needs cleaning... I want to make sure I've kicked this bug before I have to back to work next week, since I was too sick to get almost anything done yesterday. Maybe I will even take a nap :p

4WK4D - And we're still in the game!

In spite of feeling snuffly, coughy, sneezy, and sore-throaty, I still dragged myself out of bed bright and early this morning to get to my pre-work doctor appointment for a blood draw - the moment of truth - a second hcg beta.

Usually they don't get the results back until later in the afternoon, but today, by some miracle, by the time I got to work the results were in my inbox:



And we have doubling!! More than doubling, in fact, as we needed at least 380 based on the last test and it's over that. This is really happening, folks. I can hardly believe it, but we are definitely pregnant. They also did a progesterone test:



According to their little chart my progesterone is off-the-charts. Which is hardly surprising since the Greek clinic has me on 800 mg A DAY. It's sounding like we have to keep up with the med schedule for five more weeks. Not happy about having to have those heparin shots daily for that long *shudder* but they're a little less awful when I know that there's really a baby in there.

I emailed the results to the Greek clinic and am now awaiting our next instructions. I'm also going to begin the search for an OB/GYN to take us the rest of the way. I think our next appointment will either be a third beta (if the Greek folks ask for it) OR our first ultrasound, either at 6 or 8 weeks depending on what the clinic asks us to do... but I'm excited to find out.

In the meantime I am suffering through this cold as best I can, sans medicine. I'm taking tylenol and alcohol-free chloraseptic, as the internet says it's okay :P but no tea or my usual drug of choice, decongestant nasal spray. Oh, how I long for nasal spray and sudafed! Apparently an OB/GYN may know of some additional meds I can take that will be safe, but honestly we are SO early into this... and it's such a critical, critical time in baby development, that I'm really concerned about using anything at all. As long as I can get enough sleep to avoid overstressing myself, everything else I will just have to suck it up for.

Still peeing every five minutes. Ugh. Though not as often, it seems, since I started getting this cold, maybe because my body's using more of the water that I'm drinking... Seriously, I am drinking a TON. No real morning sickness yet, though right now it's hard to tell since I do feel pretty tired and a wee bit tummy-sick, but not in any way that would be worse than the usual cold. Meds are still making me dizzy, especially after the lunch and dinnertime doses. But right now it's the sore throat that's bothering me most. Feels like I'm trying to swallow a golf ball that's on fire. Drinking hot water helps, but only a little. I really hope it goes away over the weekend, 'cause I'd like the chance to enjoy this pregnancy thing a little before the morning sickness starts... according to TEH INTARWEBS, 6 weeks in is about when that particular joy begins. :P

So bring on the first trimester, and here's hoping those numbers keep going up as they should and our first ultrasound shows a healthy little proto-human (or two) in there. ^_^

4WK3D - Happy Christmas

Had a lovely Christmas with family this year. Got to FaceTime my youngest brother, who's currently in Laos, and our usual presents/family meal rituals went great. We got pies from Village Inn this year and they were much loved by all.


From left to right: Kaitlin, my youngest brother Caleb (via Facetime, because he's hanging out on the beach in Laos, lucky bastard), my dad, my sister-in-law Johanna, my middle brother Christian (Johanna's husband), me (plus tiny dog Cricket and even tinier invisible baby(ies)), my mom, Kaitlin's dad

Unfortunately I've felt sick all day, and it's progressively gotten worse. And I don't mean morning-sickness kind of sick, I mean sneezing, coughing, runny nose sick. It's combined with tiredness and nausea but I really can't tell whether it's part of being pregnant or just because I have a cold. Either way I feel really tired and have a bad sore throat right now, and really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow. I'm glad it will just be for one day before the weekend, though. I need a good long rest.

Hoping the beta tomorrow turns out okay. I'm kind of worried about what being sick could mean for the pregnancy. Sitting here drinking hot water with lemon and honey, because I can't really have tea or take decongestants... Hoping this bug blows over soon. Probably will post some pictures this weekend.

Merry Christmas, everybody. If all goes well, we'll have a little one with us by this time next year...

4WK2D - Positive Beta

Here's my test pic from this morning, using a digital test, which was the last one I had left:



Pretty clear "pregnant" result, so of course I was doing the happydance all the way to the doctor's office for my blood draw. I am kind of disappointed in my RE's office, now. Maybe it's just because all the ladies there didn't want to be working on Christmas Eve, but I really got the sense that they weren't all that happy for me and didn't really want to be working with me. It's been increasing over the last couple months, ever since I started working with the Greek clinic, and they're constantly (I mean, with every visit and every phone call) reminding me that "we're not your doctor anymore."

Which I find really annoying. But anyway, they emailed me the hcg beta results this afternoon:
\

In case that's too hard to read, it's 190.1. According to their confusing little chart that seems really low for being around 4 weeks pregnant, which is where I'm at today.... so I was freaking out a little bit. But after a bit of googling and some reassurance from the nice ladies on the NW forum, it looks like my doctor's chart isn't terribly accurate, and 190 is a pretty average number for 17DPO (which is about where I am right now.)

The real test, then, and the next hurdle, is to do the test again on Friday - the day AFTER Christmas - and see if the number doubles like it's supposed to. And then we'll know if we have something viable. I am very very tentatively titling this post with my pregnancy progress date, but waiting until we get our second beta before really and truly rejoicing...

Symptoms today: still peeing like crazy, and (TMI) diarrhea. Spotting is mostly gone, very very faint. Also quite a bit of fatigue and maybe a tiny bit of nausea this afternoon. BUT, that being said, I also didn't sleep well last night... woke up at 1 in the morning with a very scratchy throat. I set up our humidifier and tried to go back to sleep, but the air in my lungs felt really cold and my throat hurt and I was hungry. Got up again, turned on the bedroom heater, went downstairs and ate a bit of cheese, then came back upstairs and continued to lay there without being able to sleep until probably 6 AM... which was right about the time my alarm went off. X.x

So some of what I'm feeling may be because I'm coming down with something. Currently drinking hot water with lemon and I'm going to try and nap for a while since I had a half day at work and Kaitlin's not home from her work shift yet. There are still quite a few things to do to be ready for Christmas tomorrow but right now I'm just too tired... let's see what happens with a little sleep. :)

IVF#1 11DP5DT - Merry Christmas Eve Eve!!

So this morning I took another test.




Darker positive second line, which is a good sign, but at the same time I'm spotting today. While our IVF coordinator told us that could happen, and said it could be very normal, it's still a little unnerving. I don't want to be spotting, I want to be pregnant. :P Apparently the two are not mutually exclusive, but my lizard brain says they SHOULD be.

Anyway, it still looks like we are on track, and I'm holding my breath. I'm going to use the last of my pregnancy tests - a Clearblue digital - tomorrow in the morning, just before I go in for my blood draw. And by tomorrow afternoon we should have our doctor-verified pregnancy result. And then, if the universe continues to be kind, we should get a second test result on Friday that shows the numbers increasing... and we'll be on our way.

I got dizzy again today, about an hour after taking my lunchtime meds. More dizzy than I remember feeling yesterday, and it was a little worrying because I was driving my car back to work from lunch when it first hit. Thankfully I went into a meeting and focusing on work stuff sort of made it fade into the background. But it was weird. I don't notice it as much with my nightly doses, but that's probably because that's around the time I'm heading to bed anyway.

I am also still peeing like crazy - I used to have to go maybe 2 - 3 times a day, and right now it's more like 10-12. That is not EVEN an exaggeration. It's seriously annoying. And I am feeling a bit of cramping today, very low and on either side of my abdomen. And spotting, just a little bit. No nausea or ultra-fatigue yet, and I am perfectly okay with it if those would like to wait a bit before showing up, LOL... My energy level is back to normal today - I was reluctant to get out of bed this morning, and I'm not bouncing and zooming like I was yesterday. A shame, because THAT was a side effect I could definitely get happily used to. But I think I'd forgotten how much energy my work takes, and how quickly I burn down throughout the week, and though I felt good about what I got done yesterday I definitely felt the effects this morning.

I got page proofs for my next book via email this morning, so now there's another project on my plate for the next couple weeks. Excited, because if all goes well I could be announcing my pregnancy right about the same time as the book is released, and that is just DARN cool. I don't know how my poor little heart will take the overload of joy. 2015 is shaping up to be an AWESOME year - right exactly when I could really use it, since work is shaping up to be a huge challenge - and I'll take all the personal joy I can get to ensure that work stress just rolls right off in favor of the truly important things in life. <3

So this blog is over a year old now, I just realized. And here's the post from Christmas Eve Eve last year, in which I was gearing up to propose to Kaitlin. Wow. This year has been one of the most roller-coaster crazyinsane adventurous journeys I think I've ever been through. Funny, because looking back on it now I remember feeling mostly stagnant and stuck all year, with BFNs galore and delay after delay and nothing but disappointments and steadily increasing medical bills. And yet it's brought us to a (possible) BFP after all, one year later.

Unbelievable.

Now if only this will stick, and NOT turn out to be a chemical, and carry through the next nine months strong and healthy and right. 

IVF#1 10DP5DT - So far so good

Another second line this morning....



That's the new one at the bottom. The first ones are already fading, but the second line is getting darker, so that's encouraging. Just two more days to go until our blood test. I've never looked forward to being stabbed with a needle more. (though it's still scary. *shudder*)

Today has definitely been interesting. I had to go back to work today, and this morning I have been full of energy and optimism. Seriously, I haven't been this cheerful and productive in forever, or felt this good about being at work. I was dreading coming back, and even with the mountain of things on my plate somehow I feel like nothing can burst my balloon right now. :P

At lunch, I tried to go down to the sheriff's office to get fingerprint cards so I can start the process of my name change, but unfortunately they only do fingerprinting Tuesday - Thursday, so I have to go back tomorrow. Then I tried to drive over to the Walmart parking lot to drop off a few things in the Goodwill collection box, but it was no longer there (sigh) which means I'll have to swing by one of the thrift stores in our part of town when I get off work tonight. I took my afternoon meds, and after eating I suddenly started to feel weirdly dizzy - like I do when my blood pressure drops suddenly, only without the tunnel-vision, thank heaven. And that lasted for a while... I still feel a little bit of it now and it's been almost three hours. O.o I think it's the progesterone and my own natural low blood pressure issue, but if this is a pregnancy symptom it's not one I've heard of.

Anyway, in spite of the dizziness my energy levels are through the roof, and so is my mood. This is so weird. I mean, I'm a generally happy person, but this is pretty chipper even for me. :P I'm enjoying it, though. Going to milk as much as I can from the feeling-great time, as I imagine there are probably pukey sicky tired times ahead. :P But right now, I am pregnant. And it feels like my happiness is suddenly invincible, LOL.

Hope it sticks around... what a nice feeling.

Now to get back to the mountain of files on my desk...

IVF#1 9DP5DT - Still positives so far...

Took a couple more tests this morning, albeit with a much more diluted urine sample. Got a second line on both. Here they are next to yesterday's tests:



If I had unlimited tests I'd be doing one every time I pee, but alas, I gave away a bunch of them to my mom to give to my sister-in-law who also wants to get pregnant. So I only have three left, and there are two days before I go in for a blood test, so I figure I can let myself take one per day for the next three days, and by then I should have the definitive blood test results. Kaitlin's not inclined to believe these tests until we get a blood test confirmation. But I'm pretty darn sure that second line doesn't show up by mistake on four tests in a row.

Anyway, I spent today doing more last-minute Christmas errands (and peeing every hour. I'm not kidding. It's super annoying.) A few tummy twinges and aches but nothing major. And I find myself tearing up at everything baby-related - from "Mary Did You Know" playing on the radio, to all the kids' stocking stuffers I had to sift through to find enough things for our all-adults Christmas this year... and thinking about how next year, if this goes the way it should, we'll have a 4-month-old (or TWO) at Christmastime. I will also admit to wandering the baby section at Walmart in order to sigh over the adorable tiny outfits. <3

I'm a little worried that I'm getting drawn in to this too quickly, too soon. I find myself assuming this is a done deal and we're having a baby - yet I know it's still super early. We could end up with a chemical. We could end up with an early miscarriage. Charging forward like it's all good is not the smart thing to do, but oh my gosh I've just waited so LONG for this and it's really hard to hold back.

I pulled out my copy of the Pregnancy Journal, which I've had for four years and haven't been able to use, and started reading through the early pages and scribbling notes on little post-its so that I don't forget what I want to write in it later, if this does look like it's going to stick. One of the questions was something like "What's the thing you like best about being pregnant?" and the first answer that came to mind is that it feels like life is finally going to start now. I'm 35 years old, and up to this point it's felt like I've been waiting for life to actually begin. And now that we'll have a little one joining us... well... suddenly it feels like that's going to happen. I don't think I really understood it that clearly before, but it explains why this TTC journey has felt so frustrating and exhausting, why life has felt so stagnant and stuck as we faced BFN after BFN. Anyway, it was a bit of a revelation.

I have to go back to work tomorrow, after two amazing, glorious weeks of vacation. I SO DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT, especially since I know things are going to be crazypants over the next couple months, and I know I'll be coming back to a backlog of stuff I'll need to work through. Yet somehow it feels like all the stress at work is going to be able to just roll off in light of being pregnant. I'll have something bigger to focus on, and I think it's going to give me the perspective to be able to just work on work while I'm there, and set it aside when I leave. Here's hoping, anyway.

So, I have an appointment for a blood pregnancy test at 8 AM Christmas Eve, and if it's positive (pretty sure it will be!) then I have to go back for another one the day after Christmas. I have no idea what happens next. I know I need to start my name change paperwork so I can change my last name from my ex's before the baby comes. I have some financial planning to do to start getting this debt paid down. Kaitlin and I will need to plan an elopement - probably to Vegas - after the name change but before the birth. And there's a ton of work to be done in the nursery, as it's currently full of Kaitlin's art supplies and will need to be painted and furniture acquired and all that. So if this sticks, the next nine months are going to be crazyfull of preparations, large and small.

I also need to make a schedule of self-care things that I should be sure to stick with, like flossing when I brush my teeth, using lotion daily, replacing all fast foods with salads and protein-rich stuff, keeping coffee to one cup a day, and of course taking my meds four times a day (!) and having Kaitlin give me that heparin injection every evening until the Greek doc says otherwise.  Yikes.

But those are things that I know can keep til tomorrow. Tonight I'm just going to try and get some sleep, as I woke up to pee at 3 AM today and wasn't able to get back to sleep because I was so excited... :P

IVF#1 8DP5DT - OMG I think it may have worked...

So I'm trying not to get too excited here, but just look at this:




Just this morning I was up in the wee hours of the morning feeling horribly certain it hadn't worked this time either. Yesterday poor Kaitlin had to hold me for a bit while I cried after getting a stark white negative test. I even made some pretty pouty posts on the NorthWest TTC forums about how discouraged I was feeling.


I put off testing until this evening because I needed some time to regroup. And I tested, sort of haphazardly, fully expecting it to be negative again. Instead, there seemed to be a faint second line. Excited, I showed it to Kaitlin, and admired it for a while, and lamented the fact that I hadn't kept the little cup full of pee so now I had to wait until I needed to pee again before I could doublecheck - and somehow in all the excitement I dropped the tiny test stick and it slid under my desk in the office and vanished. My desk is enormous and too heavy even for Kaitlin and I to move together.  So the test was lost forever, and I was left feeling like maybe I'd just imagined the entire thing.


I waited, and waited, and had some soup for dinner, and started to feel crampy. I still feel crampy - like period-is-coming kind of cramps. Since I don't want to mess with any of my meds I'm staying away from the painkillers and trying to soothe the discomfort with a heat back on my tummy. Finally I had to pee again, so this time I kept the little cup full and tried another test - and saw that second line again. (It's the little test on the bottom in the picture above.)


So I made Kaitlin pause the show we were watching and drive me to the drug store for fancier pregnancy tests. She teased me the whole way and insisted on driving SUPER SLOOOOOOOW. Grrrr. But I got home, used two of the tests, and... well, just look.


I think I'm pregnant.


I think it worked.


I can barely wrap my brain around this. The lines are super faint, especially the ClearBlue one, but they ARE there. I'll be testing again tomorrow. And where I was kind of dreading Christmas Eve, I suddenly absolutely cannot wait. I could be having a baby... or TWO. Eeeep!


I know it's still really early. I know a lot of things could still happen. But to finally see those two lines, after a year of putting absolutely everything into trying -- it feels like a miracle. A dream I hope I don't wake up from.


PLEASE LET THIS BE IT, UNIVERSE. <3

IVF#1 7DP5DT - No positive yet

I started testing a couple of days ago, at what would have been approximately 10 DPO in a regular cycle. Today would be about 12DPO. Nothing. All stark white negatives.

Our test date isn't for another five days. And I know I should be thinking positive. But I just don't know anymore. All along I've thought of this IVF donor egg transfer as our silver bullet -- our big guns, our best chance, maybe even our surest thing. It certainly cost the big money. And if it doesn't work I feel like my heart will break. We won't have the money to try again, at least not for probably another year.

And work is in this huge state of flux and change that is intimidating, and scary, and feels like it's going to be miserable and difficult in all new ways in the coming year.

Here's hoping my BSB checks arrive soon, and between those and the hopefully significant tax refund and the hopefully 3% raise starting next year and the $100 Christmas bonus from work I can take a good chunk out of the debt straightaway. Maybe, just maybe, if this round doesn't work I'd be able to afford another in June. I "just" need 10 grand. That's possible, right?

So yeah. Depressed and pessimistic and terrified today. But getting the negative POS tests is still better, I think, then being surprised with a negative on Christmas Eve. I'd rather be prepared. I'd rather go into it knowing that if it's positive it will be a Christmas miracle, rather than have hopes dashed all to pieces on the holiday.

I wish. I wish I wish I wish....

IVF #1 4DP5DT - Last Night in Athens

So tonight is our last in Athens, and we're headed home (at 3:30 in the morning ^^;) tomorrow.

The days since our transfer have flown by, as they were packed with tours of all kinds of places. We got a ton of photographs, bought way too many souvenirs, and generally had a great time. I spent most of the long bus rides having serious conversations with our embryos, promising them a great life full of amazing travel adventures if they'll just stick around long enough to join us.

I have no idea if it's worked. We have another week to go before we'll know. There are moments when I am confident, and feel certain that our chances are great; and moments when I'm equally certain that nothing's going to change, that this time will be no different than all the others this year, except we'll be $15,000 deeper in debt.

The clinic confirmed we didn't have embryos to freeze. So this is it, our last shot. If it doesn't work we might be able to save up again... in a year or so... if we wanted to try again. But for right now I'm trying to just focus on the possibility-- the PROBABILITY--that we won't need to do it again. We're even talking over second names if we ended up with boy-boy or girl-girl twins. And I'm actually sort of getting used to the idea, a little, of having twins... but there's nothing to do but wait and see.

This next week may be one of the toughest TWW ever.

But, here are a few of my favorite photos from our trip. You can find the full set on our Greece Flickr album.

IVF#1 CD19 D-Day

Sitting in the Embio clinic lobby right now, waiting for our embryo transfer. Like the first day we were here, seems like they're running behind again. It's been an hour of waiting.

Was so excited last night I couldn't sleep much. Kept having dreams that they were going to tell us we couldn't. Do the transfer now after all, and would have to come back in a month. Ugh.

So how may embryos will we have? Will they be good ones? Will we do one or two?

A big decision that has to be made very soon...

Edit #1: so we finally got called in to meet with the doctor about an hour and a half after our appointment time. We have four embryos, and he says three are very good quality. He wants to put in all three. OMG. So I told him no more than two. He said he'd check on the embryos again, and now we're sitting waiting to go "upstairs". I am guessing that's where their procedure room is.

We may end up with two after all. I am a hundred times more nervous now. He seemed pretty confident that if he put three back "probably it will be only one or two, eh?" NO. No no no to that. Twins is scary. Triplets is just.... Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!

Now we are playing the waiting game again.

Edit #2: we are back at the hotel, and it's done. So here's how it went down:

They called us upstairs where Kaitlin had to wait in a small waiting room while the nurse took me back to "prepare," as she put it. She led me past a room full of women lying on gurneys, which was a little bit of a shock to my system to see about eight people lying side by side on wheeled hospital beds... Up to now when I've been in a US hospital people are usually spaced farther apart, often with curtains between, and this felt a little like some kind of assembly line. Anyway, she took me into a closet-sized room where I had to undress and put on a robe thing. I also went to the bathroom, which turned out to be a very good decision, as I'll explain in a sec...

Anyway, I came out of the room and was led to a stool in the middle of all the ladies on gurneys. And for about ten or fifteen minutes I just sat there, watching the nurses bustle around and a couple doctors come in and out of the nearby operating rooms and a couple of patients get wheeled in and out of those rooms... And then Dr. Thanos showed up and directed me into the room on the right, where they let Kaitlin come in (though she got the feeling they really didn't want her there.) The doctor was putting the speculum in while waving a catheter at me that he said had our embryos in it. I asked how many and he said two. Then he pried me open and started doing all kinds of things that were pretty uncomfortable... Apparently my cervix is small and he had to do something to open it more. Kaitlin said it looked like he was prying it open with tweezers. That was twingey and a little painful, though not too bad. Then he ran the catheter in, which also pinched, and he and the nurse pushed down hard above my pelvis with the ultrasound sensor. Finally they were done, and they put me on a gurney and wheeled me back into that room with all the other women. They slid me into a spot on the end, next to the wall.


Kaitlin snapped this just before the transfer procedure... I was so nervous, in case the clenched fists aren't a giveaway...  O.o

And here's where I started to get annoyed. Up to this point I had been patient with the three and four hour long office wait times. I had been patient with the slightly awkward, clipped communication from the doctor, and his abrupt and uncomfortable stuff-the-wand/speculum/whatever-up-in-there technique. I had been patient with the fact that while their website advertises a price of 4800 Euro I was charged 5500, and while the site quotes success at 70% the coordinator said pretty clearly that it was 60%. I had not complained when apparently they selected an egg donor for me without giving me choices, even though their site says patients can "choose from their list of 120 immediately available egg donors." And though I had expected more information and more options when it came to the choice of how many embryos to put in, as long as it was less than three I could even live with that. But after they wheeled me out, they said I would need to lie there for 30 minutes before I could get up. Totally cool.

Except I lay there for two hours. And, they had wheeled me next to an older Italian lady (I think she was 51?) who had just had her own embryo transfer done, and who spent the next two hours telling me that she thought the clinic was pretty useless, that she didn't get pregnant her first try and was having to try again, that she met a Moroccan patient in the lobby who was on her tenth try with no success, and that like me, she'd had a lot of hope on her first try but now she didn't believe it really worked for most people. She said the clinic had made her sign a paper acknowledging that their success rate was really only 20%.

Of course, having just come out of my own procedure, having spent a year of my life and probably over $25,000 on this crazy project, this bitter Negative Nancy was the last thing I wanted or needed. I tried to keep her naysaying out of my head, but I will admit that by the time the nurses finally remembered we were still there and let us get up and leave, I was pretty spooked. I still am. The doctor seemed so sure that the chances of triplets or even twins were low. But if his 60% success rate is true, the chances of twins are pretty much 50/50 if I do get pregnant. So either he was downplaying the risk, or the Italian lady was right about them misrepresenting their success rates. I even found myself imagining for a moment that they hadn't actually made me any embryos at all, maybe they just went through the motions of putting them in so they could swindle me out of my money. O.o paranoid much? But, the nurse at the transfer did ask me to confirm my name at least four times to be sure she had the right tube in her hand. And, after he had the catheter and speculum out Dr. Thanos did turn the ultrasound machine and point out on the screen the white area that held the embryos. So I just have to have faith, right?

Anyway, when they finally let me leave and come downstairs, I was feeling pretty down, and frustrated, and hungry.... It was almost 3 PM and I hadn't been able to eat since breakfast. We didn't have to wait too long, thankfully, for the rest. One of the nurses took us in to talk about the meds I'd have to take. Staying on the high doses of estrogen and progesterone, and adding daily injections of heparin. All of which cost 145 euro, or around $180. Then Dr. Thanos came in, only for a few seconds. He did confirm that the embryos he transferred were at the 5-day stage. But, he said he didn't think the remaining two would be good for freezing. He said they'd email me tomorrow if they were, but if I didn't get an email that meant they weren't. He didn't sound optimistic at all, or even really like he cared, but I'm pretty disappointed. If there's nothing to freeze, we won't be able to afford to try again. This is our last shot, and if it doesn't work, it's over.

Which doesn't help my stress level.

But anyway, for better or worse, it's done. There's nothing left to do but wait. Our test date is Christmas Eve, and we'll either be having the best Christmas ever or the most heartbroken one.

All in all, it was not a terrible experience, but certainly not as good as I had expected. I had no idea the wait times would be so long, the office would be so crowded, the doctor would be so rough and brusque, or that the enticing prices and choices promised by the website would not be all that they seemed. This is definitely not the place to go if you want close control over your procedure and embryos. But if I get pregnant, it won't matter. Though if I am pregnant with twins I do think I'll be kind of irritated with the clinic for not engaging more seriously in a discussion about using one or two embryos.

And, if it doesn't work, at least we did get a pretty nice vacation out of the deal.

We took a taxi back to the hotel and I've spent the rest of the day in bed. It's cold and rainy anyway, so at least it doesn't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Kaitlin went and got us food from a nearby restaurant, and we're just hanging out on our iPads until bedtime. I'm going to try and sleep around 8, since we have an early morning pickup for a day cruise tomorrow.

What a day. I don't think I've ever gone to such extremes for anything before. Praying to every power in the universe that this works.

IVF #1 CD18 Four Days in Athens

So the first couple days in Athens were spent shopping -  we found the famous Poet Sandal-Maker's shop (he's made classic Greek sandals for stars like Sophia Loren, John Lennon and Sarah Jessica Parker) and bought sandals of our own, and wandered a lot of the back-street shops. Apparently, in Athens there isn't such a thing as a convenience store, and if you need something you have to go to a specialty store to get it. Need rope? Go to the rope shop. Need baskets? The basket shop. Plastic housewares? A plastic housewares shop. All of which can be hidden around nooks and crannies among narrow streets with crazy traffic, spread very far apart. Now I get why they call them convenience stores. O.o

We also found a sort of indoor shopping mall, very similar to a US Department store like JCPenney or Macy's, but this one had like SEVEN levels with escalators between each department. Next to the escalators on several floors they had a "wish wall" where shoppers could write little wishes on notepaper and post them up. Here's the one Kaitlin added for us:



The second day, we found the more touristy section of shops, and bought presents for just about everybody as well as something we weren't planning on at all - a couple of nice rugs for the house. The Greek guy who sold them to us kept describing one design as the "Shield of Athena." Which is pretty much bullshit, because it's a Persian medallion design. :P But it sounded nice, anyway, and I think he gave us a reasonable deal on them.

Then, we went to a "Doctor Fish" spa, where we had a pedicure treatment that isn't legal in the US - you put your feet in these clear fish tanks, and all these little fish nibble at your skin and eat the dead skin cells. Which is both gross and awesome at the same time, and it certainly seemed to make the fish happy!

Today was our first day of touring, and we'll have many more to come for the remainder of our stay. We had a half-day tour of Athens this morning, including a trip to the Acropolis and the Parthenon, and the new Acropolis museum. It was so cold and rainy during the driving portion of the tour that we didn't get to see many of the sights very clearly, but we got great photos of the ruins (which are currently being reconstructed) and some nice photos of the relics inside the museum. It was a pretty good day, up until the part where we were 7 minutes late for the return bus, and it left without us, and we had to hire a taxi to get back to the hotel. Ugh. So very glad we didn't leave any of our possessions on the bus, as we would have lost them.

The food here is AMAZING. So, so delicious. We had a huge lunch and probably won't need dinner, though I think Kaitlin's going to want to go out for some sort of sweet dessert in a couple hours. But, we're both pretty tired of being wet and cold, so the rest of the afternoon's going to be spent cuddled in our hotel room reading or sorting through photos or whatever we can think of that doesn't involve going back out in the sloshy streets again.

Right after lunch we walked down through the Athens flea market to a shop we'd seen last night, and spent a ridiculous amount of Euro (about $13 USD) on a little bit of hope - a tiny baby onesie with "GREECE" written on it in Greek lettering. Kaitlin promised I could get one baby thing while we were here, and we knew it when we saw it.

Our transfer is tomorrow. We've already made arrangements for a taxi to pick us up. I woke up at 5 AM this morning thinking about it... no idea how I'll ever sleep tonight. Tomorrow is the day. The thing we've been waiting for, the thing we've spent all this money on. And then it's just a matter of finding out if it will take. If that little embryo will just settle in and grow.

Oh my gosh, we're almost there...

IVF#1 CD15 First day in Greece

Right after stepping off the plane in Athens, we met with our travel coordinator from the Greek travel agency, who gave us the vouchers for our stay and then turned us over to a taxi driver, Dmitri. He took us to Embio, the Greek clinic, and took our bags on to Hotel Attalos, where we'll be staying while we're here.




We had to wait almost three hours at the clinic, because we were almost two hours early for our appointment and they were running about an hour behind at the same time. I must admit, I was so jet-lagged and exhausted that most of the wait time was a blur and I kept fighting to keep my eyes open. the clinic is definitely really busy, we saw so many people coming in and out, and I confess I kept looking hard at the young ladies who were there, wondering if we might not be looking at our own donor.

Anyway, we got to meet Sotiria, the IVF coordinator I've been emailing back and forth with since the beginning... She's younger than I expected, and very pretty, and speaks English really well (though I kept having to try not to giggle at the way she pronounces "vaginally".) We met with Dr. Thanos who talked with us a little about my early menopause and said he would do an ultrasound to check my uterine lining. On the way to the scan room I had to use the bathroom. The locks in Greece and Rome are seriously old-school... Like, keyholes and big brass keys. So I had a bit of a conundrum getting myself locked in the bathroom, because the key kept turning in the lock but the door wasn't opening...
Finally Sotiria and another nurse got me out, though, and sent us to their ultrasound room. The little napkin they gave me to cover myself with was wayyyy tinier than the paper blankets at my doctor's, so that was awkward.... Dr. Thanos came in to do the scan himself (also awkward) and holy hell... He just grabbed the wand, stuffed it up in me, wiggled it around for all of about 30 seconds and pronounced that my lining, uterus and ovaries looked good, and left. After giving me a picture of the scan, by the way.


Kaitlin snapped a pic of me while we were waiting for the ultrasound...

The second he was out of the room Kaitlin busted up laughing. I suppose I am spoiled by my own doctor's office and their gentle, slow, somewhat laid back approach to ultrasounds, where they take a second or two to work the wand in, then take their time snapping shots from lots of different angles.  That was the most abrupt and sort of weird experience... Anyway, after I got dressed again we met Sotiria back in the doctor's office, where she instructed me to increase my dose of estrogen and start taking loads of progesterone too... And set our embryo transfer date for Friday (the one day where we didn't have any tours or activities scheduled, yeah!) and said that our pregnancy blood test date would be Christmas Eve. Seriously, people, we get to find out if we're pregnant on Christmas Eve. If the results are positive it will be the best Christmas present ever. At the same time I think it's going to be awful if the results are negative and we have to make it through Christmas trying to smile and be happy.... Sigh. So thinking very, very happy thoughts right now.

Anyway, we find out on Friday how many embryos we have and have to decide how many to put in. I think that's the decision that scares me the most out of all of this. Until then, we have several days inAthens all to ourselves. We called the taxi driver back to take us to the hotel once all was said and done, and got checked in.... And went up the street just a little to get food... The most delicious gyros and pita I have ever had EVER. Then went back to the hotel where I took a lovely hot shower and went right to sleep. Woke up super early this morning, just waiting for breakfast time so we can go down and get some food, still trying to work out the dosages of these meds they want me on... And looking forward to starting the day. We have three days entirely to ourselves in Athens before all our activities start, and I intend to get most of my shopping done early. Also I am so excited about the food here. I will probably gain like 20 pounds on this trip alone, everything looks so delicious!!

I still kind of can't believe we're really doing this. Praying to every power in the universe that this works for us and we get our healthy baby at last.

IVF#1 CD14 - We are here!

So after several long flights and a lovely afternoon/overnight in Rome, we are now sitting in the office waiting room for the Greek clinic. So far so good, though we're here about an hour early so we may have some sitting around to do. Once we finish here it's a matter of figuring out how to get to our hotel... I guess we'll probably call the same taxi driver who dropped us off to come back and get us.

So nervous now. I haven't had a good night's sleep in about three days, since we got up at 4am on Saturday, slept on the plane to try and ward off jet lag, and then had an overnight in Rome in an unfamiliar bed. Also, I have had a lot of nausea the past couple of mornings, and I don't know if it's the high dose of estrogen they have me on or what, but it has somewhat dampened the excitement of travel. Basically I've been feeling mild to moderate carsickness for the last three days. Yuck.

Anyway, we're here. Finally here, and about to find out (I hope) how many embryos we got and if they're any good, and decide how many to use. And then pray that one sticks.

Here goes....

IVF#1 CD11 we're leaving tomorrow

This week has been a whirlwind of preparations, from wiring money to Europe to packing to trying to get things at work squared away to minimize what my boss is going to need to cover for me and dealing with a staff member who has resigned and having two vacancies to fill... I am exhausted. But it's done now. The only thing left is some house cleaning. We're getting up super early tomorrow morning in the attempt to start preparing our bodies for the dramatic time change, so we'll do more cleaning before our ride comes to take us to the airport.

Then it's off to Rome, then Athens. Our embryo transfer is scheduled -- get this -- TWO HOURS after stepping off the plane. Yeah. And I did get the profile for our egg donor... Much less info for her than for the sperm donor, but I know she's 26, with fair skin, light brown hair, and blue-green eyes. She's 5'7" and apparently has a clean health history. This is her first egg donation, though she has had one successful pregnancy of her own. Combine that with our red headed Danish sperm donor.... And we see what we get.

We also find out if we got any good embryos, or have enough to freeze, and have to decide then how many to put in.

Then we wait, and wander around Athens, and take some tours and other neat stuff, and keep every possible appendage crossed that we get a positive pregnancy test...

IVF#1 CD8 International Money, AHH!

So the last few days have been a very interesting exercise in learning how international money exchanges are done....

The travel agency finally got back to me with a figure - 1440 Euro for several tours and nine nights' accommodation as well as airport transfers. Of course, because it's so late in the game I had to pay them via credit card, and of course, they don't accept my American Express that would have kept me from having to pay any currency conversion fees. I scoured the internet to try and figure out how much it would *really* cost in USD after charging it. According to the Wells Fargo site, my fee is 3% of the transaction; and according to the Visa calculator site, the total conversion rate including the 3% comes out to 1.288 USD per Euro, or about $1854. But I won't really know what exactly was charged to my card until the charge goes through, which could take a couple of days.

Add to that the roundabout necessity of wiring money to my Greek clinic's Swiss bank... the clinic sent me their bank info, and I signed up for an account on USFOREX.com (which was actually pretty easy). Then USFOREX had to call me to set my account up... then I had to create the transaction online for the 5500 Euros, and got a rate of 1.26 USD per Euro (not too bad, better than my bank which would have been at least 3% plus $45 wiring fee) for a grand total of $6913.89. Then USFOREX called me again to confirm, and they've sent me instructions to wire my money to their US bank (still going to be about a $30 wiring fee, I think). I have to go to the bank on my lunch break and complete the wire, but they assure me that as long as I wire them the money today, the Greek clinic should have the funds by Thursday or Friday.

All of this adds up SO DAMN FAST. And, if we have enough embryos for freezing, I'll owe the clinic another 1000 Euro for that and will have to go through the whole wiring process again. Except I don't know that I will be able to do that until I'm back stateside. I might have to use my Traveler Visa at an ATM ($5 plus 3% for the transaction) and pay them in cash for the freezing.

In terms of my "Costs of TTC" page, I'm only going to include 630 Euro ($806.40) of the travel agency's total - because that's the cost of the hotel. The extra tours we want to take while we're there really aren't part of the TTC expense. But I'm waiting to update these figures until I know exactly,
in USD, how much everything is going to cost.

Add to that the absolute insanity at work as I try to get ready to leave AND try to figure out how to replace my clerk (in my boss's words, "creatively") AND try to get packed at home AND try to help Kaitlin get ready to leave (she's starting to feel the pressure too) and it's just crazy. I'm so afraid I'm going to miss something vitally important.

One thing at a time, I guess. Now to cram some work in before I run to the bank and the grocery store - I need to pick up some travel sized toothpaste and some Airborne, because a bunch of the ladies at my office are sniffly and sick and I CANNOT CANNOT get sick on this trip.

If it does turn out that we need to do a second round with our frozen ones, I will have them put back two embryos for sure. The cost should be a lot less, because I'll travel alone - $1300 for a plane ticket, maybe $60/night for 2 - 3 nights in a hotel, and $1000ish for the FET, so something like $2500 when it's all said and done. After spending SO much on this already, how sad is it that I'm thinking Pshhh, $2500 is NOTHING? X.x

I would give anything for this to just work the first time. For us to be able to come back from Greece, after an amazing vacation, and find that we're pregnant... and, of course, for the pregnancy to stick and be full and healthy. That's really all I want right now. That's all I want. Please, universe??

IVF#1 CD6 So much to do, so little time...

Thank god for the 4 day holiday weekend, as I've had to spend it making all kinds of travel plans. I did get the oil changed in my car, my hair cut and colored, groceries bought for this last week, and went to the bank for some cash in Euros (omg was that expensive, I HATE that the currency conversion rate is higher for purchasing cash than it is for credit card purchases or bank wires) and had a near panic attack in learning that the rate was going to be higher than I calculated in order to pay the clinc. But, I found a website - usforex.com - that can wire money for me to the clinic and the travel agency in Greece at an exchange rate just a tiny bit above market (1.26, above 1.24, as opposed to my bank's ridiculous 1.31) and that should save me a few hundred dollars.


But, I had to email the Greek clinic and request their bank account information so that I can wire the funds, and won't be able to complete the wire until tomorrow when the market opens. I also have to work out some travel itinerary details with the travel agency. It looks like we won't be able to take the tour we were planning on, because they only offer it starting on Mondays and the dates of our travel won't accommodate it. It may end up changing the overall price of our package, though, and that would be ok by me.


The money stuff is starting to freak me out a little. It's looking like when it's all said and done we're going to be spending just about all of that $15K I borrowed - and a lot of it is due to the currency conversion rates and the cost of spending money overseas. Maybe we'll get lucky, though, and find that we can stay within our cash for all our transportation/food/tips/shopping??


Add to all of that the anxiety over whether this extremely expensive venture is going to turn into a baby for us... whether it could turn into twins... whether it's going to be ineffective and we won't get pregnant at all and have to decide whether to spend another $4000 or so for an FET attempt...


And all of the bits and pieces at work that I'm going to have to iron out, oh my god... one of my staff just handed in her two-week notice the day before Thanksgiving, so we're going to be short one person and worried about job posting and interviews and all that, which I can't do until after I get back into the country, meaning my staff are going to be down one person for at least a month and I would guess two... and it's our most critical position, our clerk. Then there's the new software program they're trying to train staff on and roll out in January, and key training sessions are scheduled to happen while I'm going to be out... and then worst of all, the director and my boss have a meeting planned with my unit, on a day I'm not going to be there, which almost assuredly guarantees that my staff are going to throw me under the bus yet again in my absence, and I'll have to try and clean that up before a position comes open that the bosses want me to move into and leave my field of expertise for pretty much ever...


And all of this stress, of course, is not conducive to getting pregnant. I know that I should be sitting back and saying to hell with it all, what will be will be, I'm getting out of here for two weeks and taking a dream European vacation and getting pregnant to boot... and I just can't figure out how to let go of the anxiety long enough to be able to do that, because I want so much to have a crystal ball and be able to KNOW - will I get pregnant? Will things turn out okay at work? Is my absence going to result in a terrible redirection of my career? Will we be able to pay off this debt when it's all said and done? Will we end up with twins?  I think, if I could see into the future and KNOW what was going to happen, all my anxiety would end.  I would either make different choices to avoid a future I don't want, or at least be able to prepare myself for the consequences better because I'd know what's coming. But of course, not knowing is part of the human condition. All I can do is try to be as prepared as I can be for anything that could happen... and then accept whatever comes as something I could not have changed, because I made the very best choices I could given the information I had at the time.


So yeah. On the list of things to do today: setting up the usforex contact so I can make transfers as soon as  have the amounts due; cleaning the downstairs and making a packing list; setting up the Christmas tree since we'll be hosting Christmas when we get back; making a list of things for Kaitlin to clean during her day off tomorrow. Oh, and downloading some e-books to read on the plane. If I have any time to myself, probably also writing or watching some mindless TV to take my mind off things.


Right after I finish my coffee...

IVF#1 CD4 Greece is a GO!

We have plane tickets. We're leaving this coming Saturday, the 6th, and somehow the fates arranged it so that we have one extra bonus overnight layover in Rome! So here's the itinerary as it stands for now:


Saturday, December 6th:
Leaving Denver at 10:48 AM. Arriving at JFK Airport in NYC at 4:27 PM.
Leaving NYC at 8:12 PM. Overnight flight to Rome (8 hours.)


Sunday, December 7th:
Arriving in Rome at 11:40 AM. Taking the train to downtown Rome (about 30 minutes)
Taking a walking tour around the heart of Rome to see as much as we can, including the Parthenon and the Colesseum.
Staying overnight at B&B Elevenrome.


Monday, December 8th:
Check out of the B&B by 6 AM. Walk to the train station (about 30 minutes.)
Take the 6:37 AM train to the airport (about 30 minutes) and arrive by 7:00.
Leaving Rome at 8:40 AM.
Arriving in Athens at 11:40 AM, where our tour package should provide transportation to our hotel.




We will have 6 overnights in Athens total, and 3 overnights in other places as part of the tour package. So at some point during the trip we will be taking a half-day tour of Athens, a one-day cruise between Aegina, Poros and Hydra islands, and tours of Olympia, Delphi and Meteora (with overnights in/near each.) The travel agency is choosing the hotels for this part of our trip, so I'll have to update the itinerary once we get more details about how that's going to work.


Wednesday, December 17th:
Check out of the hotel at probably 4 AM. Our tour package should provide us with transportation back to the airport.
Leaving Athens at 6 AM, arriving in Rome at 7:05 AM.
Leaving Rome at 10:30 AM, arriving in NYC (JFK) at 2:20 PM.
Leaving NYC at 8:14 PM, arriving in Denver at 10:59 PM.


And in the meantime, we'll be continuing our Lupron injections. The Greek Clinic asked me to start taking my estrogen supplements on a steadily increasing schedule, starting yesterday, so we've added that, too. I bought the tickets in my maiden name since that's the name on my passport. Hoping it won't cause an issue, but there isn't time or money to get my passport reissued in my current name.


I've started a travel documents pouch for our IDs, plane tickets, reservations, Rome and Athens maps, and anything else I can think of that we might need in paper form in case we don't have internet access. I'm also going to have to start a packing list. And, I only have a week at work to prepare for being gone for two weeks. The plan is to take two full weeks off of work, which means that I'll have a good four days (Thurs - Sunday) after we get home to recover from jet lag, put my feet up and keep on resting in the first part of the TWW.


Then it's back to work for two and a half days, a half day for Christmas Eve and a full day for Christmas off of work again, another day of work that Friday, and a weekend.  We should know by New Year's or so if we are pregnant.


Oh my gosh, this is really happening. The clinic promised to send me the bio of the egg donor tomorrow... I am assuming that means they used my picture and chose the most available donor already, and that she's already got treatment underway.


I will say that the choice of egg donor is one bit of this process I'm less than pleased about. The truth is we're not picky so long as she's healthy and fertile, but it sounds like the clinic pretty much chose her for us without offering us any options. I am also concerned whether they are really giving us a "fresh" donor, or whether they plan on using frozen eggs from an earlier donation... because I haven't heard anything from them about syncing a donor's cycle with mine, or whether she's on meds right now, or when her retrieval date might be scheduled, and I'm a little annoyed since their website was pretty clear that the package included a fresh donor egg. If it turns out to be a frozen one instead, it's not like we're not still going to go through with it... but I will be sure to let folks know that what their website says isn't accurate.


I can't believe we're going to be in Greece in a week. Holy cow.


Please, everybody, cross every available appendage in the hopes that this works...?

IVF#1 CD1 - Start Your Engines!

AF came this morning. The moment we've all been waiting for!! (Erm, well, at least the moment Kaitlin and I have been waiting for...)

And this means we're well and truly ready to gear up for this sucker. I have an ultrasound/estrogen bloodwork test scheduled for tomorrow morning. Our Lupron shots continue every night. Once my estrogen level is right, the Greek clinic's going to have me start taking additional estrogen, and we should know then exactly what dates we're going to need to be in Greece.

Then I have to buy tickets and make travel arrangements, and arrange things at work for coverage and so on, and pack, and make arrangements for my mom to watch my dog... and THEN it is off to Greece for an embryo transfer (and a tour of Athens and the nearby areas.)  It's looking like the weather in Greece is going to be pretty typical of weather here - some snow and thunderstorms, high temps in the 50's. Not as much fun as being there in the summer, but I'll bring warm clothes because I'm determined we're going to have fun. Who knows, maybe we'll even be there over Christmas... that would be kind of cool.

I started writing a book for our future kiddo. Presumptuous, I know, but I'm trying to be optimistic. I want our kiddo to have a bedtime storybook that tells them how they were conceived - how badly Kaitlin and I wanted to have a baby, and all the things we went through to bring them into our family. It will talk about how we used donors to make the baby we wanted, because the doctors told us we couldn't have a baby on our own. And it means we can raise our kiddo from the very beginning with a loving account of where they came from, how much they were wanted... give them the sense that having them is our happily-ever-after, that they are the happy ending to our story. Anyway, it's ambitious, of course, because I'm assuming we're going to GET a happy ending after all of this, and that part still remains to be seen. But putting it in writing gives me a feeling, however unrealistic, that I have some sort of magic power to make it happen by writing it down.

Anyway, if we do get pregnant, I'm going to ask Kaitlin to do illustrations for the book, and we'll publish it through Snapfish or one of those other scrapbooking kinds of places, and our future kiddo will have their own book, all about them and how they "saved the day" for their moms.

This is really going to happen. We're really going out there. And I am gearing up for what is likely to be the most nervewracking TWW of my entire life...

In the meantime, I completed the edits on my third novel and submitted them. I should be working on my fourth novel coming up next... still having such a hard time getting "into" the new set of characters. This always happens. I think I was probably five or eight chapters into PotH before I really started falling in love with Kade and Erinda. Hoping that's going to happen here, once I really dig into Frost and Panna's story. I'm determined to be a good book-mommy this round, and monitor book awards and blogs and do a real, planned marketing campaign when PotH comes out. Though I realize that ultimately the very best marketing I could do for my books would be to actually just keep writing them, and not let 10 years go by in between. :P

Injections start tomorrow

Been a pretty quiet couple weeks on the TTC front. The meds are just sitting on my countertop, and I've spent the time focusing on other things. It's performance evaluation time at work, so I'm in for some loooooong days (and nights) until I can get all my staff's evals done, approved by my boss, reviewed with the staff, signed, and turned in. I've got two mostly done and three to go, but only a week and a half left to finish them in.

In the meantime, last weekend was that SCA event with the Laureling ceremony. I've never been that close to one before so it was pretty awesome to get to really see the inner workings of all the elements that go into it. My apprentice sister did SO MUCH WORK, I really have to believe she is secretly a superhero of some kind. Anyway, it was beautiful, and thankfully she liked the coat I made, and people seemed to like my dress  - though I am in desperate need of more comfortable garb. Wearing a full-on Tudor gown for 10 hours gets pretty darned painful by the end of the night. When I get my hands on a little more money I'm going to try and crank out a Norse/Viking. It will give me the chance to practice my abysmal embroidery skills too.

Now it's on to feverishly editing my book for the 12/1 due date. I've only gotten to chapter 7 so far, so I'm really going to have to pick up the pace to have it ready. This weekend, I suspect, will be spent mostly sitting under my electric blanket with my little netbook. It's been freezing cold this week and I've been miserable and cranky, as I always am when the weather turns cold. Ugh.

So this month is still tightly packed and I haven't had the time or energy to pay much attention to keeping house... when I finally do get some breathing room to do chores I fear they're going to take FOREVER to get through. SIGH.

Anyway, I emailed the Greek clinic today to confirm that I should start Lupron tomorrow. I'm guessing these injections will be even less pleasant than the Follistim, because there's no pretty injection pen, just separate little syringes that have to be filled. Uuuuuuuugh. ;.; This had just better turn into a baby that loves me forever and ever for facing one of my biggest phobias every day for the sake of bringing them into the world. :P

I am looking forward to the time off from work. Kind of worried about it too, as it always seems to be when I'm out that shit hits the fan, and I come back to a lot of trouble. Praying to every power in existence that my staff behave themselves, our clients behave themselves, and no calamities arise in the two weeks that I'm planning to be out. But that stress aside, having two whole, blissful weeks of not-being-at-work, and even better, being in Greece, and even better, the chance that I could come home pregnant... it's really a bright spot on the horizon of my life right now. 2015 could be a year that completely changes my life, if we're successful with this.

Here's hoping. Cross fingers for me tomorrow, cause these injections are not going to be fun.

Meds are here, Procedure delayed

So my meds arrived on Saturday - three boxes of Lupron, which came with syringes, conveniently, so that I don't have to go buy extras - three boxes of estrogen - one box of progesterone (because I already have some left over.)


But, because my period started way early, my procedure had to be rescheduled. I now won't start injections until the 15th of November, which pushes my transfer date back to early/mid December. Much better in terms of plane ticket prices, at least, but I'm worried. I'm now on the eighth day of this period, when they usually only last about five days. I'm finally just spotting, so I should be done today, but between that and how short this last cycle was I've got this awful feeling that maybe there's something wrong... what if we go out there, spend $13,000 on this, and still don't get pregnant?

I wasn't able to sleep last night, thinking about it. My mom reminded me a few days ago that she went through menopause at my age (35) and I'm so worried that it's happening to me now too. And I don't know whether embryo transfer works if you're menopausal??

Anyway, I'm just really nervous.

I got my dress done for the event this weekend, and got my apprentice sister's coat done. My embroidery skills are dreadful but at least from a bit of distance it will look nice... Wish I'd had a little more time, as it would have been nice to put laurels in more places, but I just couldn't squeeze in more than four. Hopefully she likes it. I am nervous about my dress, too. I finally got it altered enough to where the waistline sits in the right spot and the back doesn't scrunch. But it's made out of cheap materials and faked layers, partly for ease of dressing and to be cooler when camping, and partly because I have like NO money to buy fabric right now. I hope that it looks okay.

Since I didn't sleep at all last night I finally just got up and came in to work early. Hoping that means I will get to leave work early today, so I can go home, clean the kitchen, make dinner, get in a little editing and then get to bed. After the event this weekend I'm going to have to focus on nothing but edits... but the nice thing is, edits are due before the Greece trip, so I won't have to spend our vacation worrying about them. All in all, the delay in this treatment is for the best. I know it is, since my body is obviously resetting itself right now, and it will probably make for a less stressful last-minute thing for the donor too. Oddly, they still haven't sent me a list of their available female donors, so I have no idea if they're picking someone for me or just waiting until my cycle is ready before calling one in.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind this week. Two weeks, then, before injections start up again. I guess we're really stretching this year's OLW (CONCIEVE) into the last possible moments, aren't we? :P

Overheard at work today

A client and her babies just left our office. one of my staff goes into another's office.

V: L, do you want another baby?
L: NO
V: How about twins? Twin babies?
L: NO
(another staff member) J: oh my god those babies were so cute, they make me want grandchildren!
V: I know, right?
J: And they're such good babies.

Meanwhile I'm sitting in my office, so glad that I didn't see the kiddos this time. I used to absolutely love visits from our clients' babies. But right now it's just really, really hard.

And in the meantime, I am getting to enjoy period cramps.

Today kind of sucks.

EDIT - And.... scratch that, because my staff did call me to come up front and see the babies. Twin girls. Absolutely gorgeous. Almost makes me not mind the idea of having twins myself, so much.

If, you know, my body would ever cooperate enough to even get us to an embryo transfer.

SIGH

Unexpected wrench in the plans

SIGH. Nothing seems to go the way we plan, does it?

So while I am waiting for my medications to arrive - having paid $99 for fast shipping in the hopes that they would get here tomorrow - lo and behold, AF shows up yesterday afternoon. *facepalm*

Seriously, this is the shortest cycle I have ever recorded - only 16 days from AF to AF. I am hoping against hope that it is because this is the first cycle I have had all year that wasn't on some sort of a medication - no birth control, no clomid, no Follistim - and maybe my body is sort of hitting its own reset button.

But my period has started, and the meds aren't here. I don't know when they're going to arrive - I got an email saying they successfully charged my credit card, but the charge isn't showing up on my card yet and the status of the order still says "received", not "shipped." I was supposed to have the meds by tomorrow, so now I just don't know. I'm supposed to do an ultrasound between days 2 and 4 of my period, so if the meds don't show today or tomorrow I can't even get an ultrasound appointment set up in time.

If they don't get here soon, I think this cycle is a bust. We'll have to sit it out, and plan our trip to Greece for end of December-ish. Not sure if that means the plane tickets will be less expensive, but thank God I hadn't bought them yet. Anyway, it will be so disappointing if we have to wait, but at the same time, I don't want to get in a hurry and end up wasting the money we're throwing at this. I want to give this the best possible chance of being successful.

So now we wait - and watch the mailbox.

In other news, Kaitlin just got a seasonal job yesterday, working for The Sharper Image at a ritzy high-end mall. It's not her dream career, but it will pay about as much as she's receiving right now from unemployment. So it's something, anyway... and buys time to keep searching for a job she really wants.

I was supposed to work on book edits the last few evenings after work, but I've just been so tired and uninspired. I need to make sure I get some work in on it tonight, though... the deadline's coming up so quickly. As for Halloween, I haven't really bothered with decorations at home or at work this year. I think we're just going to sit at home, dress my puppy up in one of her costumes, hand out candy and watch Ghostbusters. The house is such a mess, but I haven't had the time or energy to clean and probably won't for several more weeks.

At least things at work are relatively quiet for the time being. I've been able to keep up with most of what I need to, and my bosses aren't breathing down my neck right now since they have other bigger issues in other areas that are keeping them occupied. That gives me a little breathing room to just focus on getting my work done and gaining some ground with my staff before their sights get set on me again.

Oh, and I got a new fish for my office tank. He's a blue betta with some red roots to his fins - really pretty, and so very soothing to watch him fluttering around the tank. I have named him Takumi. He is the most uplifting thing I have going on in my life at the moment. Sad, I guess, but I'll take 'em where I can get 'em, yeah?

Meds ordered

So ordering meds turned out to be way, way more complicated than I'd expected. Apparently American pharmacies will not fill overseas prescriptions, and my RE's office said they could not reissue the prescription since I am "no longer their patient."  Ugh. Add to that the fact that I don't know enough about these meds to confidently be sure that I'm ordering the right thing from an online pharmacy, and that most of the online pharmacies (from Israel and other overseas places) say it will take them 2 - 4 weeks to send me the drugs, and I had a hell of a time on Friday figuring out how we were going to make this happen.

I finally found one site, IVFMeds.com, that has an "express shipping" option. Not a lot of info about how it works, other than that it supposedly ships in 3-5 business days rather than 10 - 14. Had to pay an extra $99 for that - I'm hoping it means it will ARRIVE within 3 - 5 business days and not that it will be another two weeks after shipping before I get it... but there wasn't enough info on their site and the company was closed for the weekend by the time I found them. So I just placed the order. I went with Lupron (which the Greek clinic says is an acceptable substitute for decapeptyl) and Estrace (which is the British version of progynova) and I had my Greek clinic send me an updated prescription for both, which I uploaded to the pharmacy. I did find out that apparently the Greek clinic is open on weekends, because they sent me an email both Saturday and Sunday. Haven't heard from the pharmacy site yet but I'm hoping maybe today?

I don't know if the meds are going to get here in time for Thursday, though, which is when the Greek clinic wanted me to start on them. I guess we have to wait and see. Once we know when I actually start my meds, and my period, then I think we'll find out when the transfer date is, and I can order plane tickets and the travel package and things will really be rolling.

I am so nervous that this isn't going to work - after spending all this time, money and effort - and I think I will just cry if we get home from Greece and my period shows up.

But I am really, really looking forward to taking a vacation - I haven't had one in two years so it's well overdue and will be so nice to get away from work for a while.

In the meantime, I spent all weekend sewing feverishly for the upcoming SCA event. I'm making a robe for my apprentice sister, since she's being honored at the event, and I got it cut out and assembled except for the bands of trim. She's mailing me some red silk thread to use to put a little embroidery on the trim, so I'm waiting to get that and do the designs before trimming it. Her robe was pretty simple and I finished it pretty quickly, so I spent the rest of the weekend working on a new Tudor gown for me - I've been meaning to make a "tourney" tudor, one with faked underlayers, lighter weight, out of cheap substitute fabrics that I can wear to look fancy and pretty but also take to camping events if I so desire. I really like the way it's turning out so far. The only thing that's left is to assemble and attach the remaining half of the skirt, hem it, do a couple tweaks to the forepart and add some undersleeve snaps, and I'll have it ready for the event. I should be able to finish that and Liepa's robe next weekend... and the following weekend is the event.

I am going home after work every day and working on the edits for my book. Only up to chapter three (GAH) but I spent a lot of time making the first "hot and heavy" scene a lot stronger and more emotionally charged... Once sewing and this event are done, all my other weekends will be dedicated to edits between now and December 1... Hopefully just in time to take the Greek trip.

In the meantime, one of my staff is out all week this week so I am up to my eyeballs trying to cover her phone calls and finish two months of case reviews in one week, and then next month do all of my staff's annual performance reviews before it's time to leave for Greece.

So my life is pretty much crazy hectic for the next few weeks. Which is probably good, because it keeps me from sitting around stressing while I wait to find out if this donor egg thing is going to work...