A little more energy today, a little less soreness in the throat, somewhat more sleep last night than the night before. Still sick, but on the upswing. Feeling a little nauseous tonight but I'm still thinking it's the cold, not the pregnancy. Got a few small things done around the house, like putting away some laundry and emptying the dishwasher, but overall I've really spent most of the day sitting on the couch doing nothing and trying not to nap, since when I nap my insomnia kicks in at night.
I did have a really vivid, disturbing dream last night. Like, a pure EVIL dream. Disturbing enough that I woke up feeling sick, and suddenly feeling like I could kind of understand how ladies who have recurring nightmares while pregnant might become convinced that their unborn child was somehow demonic, because there was such evil going on in their dreams. It actually took me a while to calm down and remind myself that pregnancy does weird shit to one's brain. But ew yuck shudder ugh! I hope I don't have many more of those, because that was not fun at all.
Guess in a bizarre way it means so far, so good. Though I haven't taken a pregnancy test of any kind all weekend and, dumb though it might be, it makes me nervous not to have confirmation that baby(ies) is/are still in there.
Tomorrow I call the OB/GYN and see if I can set up an ultrasound appointment. Tomorrow will officially be five weeks. I'm trying to brace myself, as everything I've read says that morning sickness is coming soon. And honestly, with everything that's going on at work I don't know how I'm going to deal. My mom says morning sickness was really bad for her... and she was a stay at home mom, so she didn't have to try and balance it with work. I inherited her early menopause, so it makes sense to expect I'll inherit the sickness too. A little worried about how bad it might be.
We still haven't really told anyone, other than a vague "so far it's working, let's wait and see" kind of thing to a very few members of the family, the ones who knew what we were going to Greece for. I feel like saying something right now will jinx it. It still doesn't quite feel real. I think my boss is actually going to end up being the first to know because I'll need time off, maybe some work from home time, when the sickness hits.
If I'm still pregnant. Cause, you know, I haven't had a pee test to confirm it. And once I had the beta, well, the pee test feels inadequate. Now I want the blood test on a regular schedule just so I can be reassured that the numbers are still rising like they should. SIGH. Also, I want to BUY ALL THE BABY THINGS. Which is completely jumping the gun, since first of all I have less than no money, and second we are still in that super delicate time when this could turn out to be an early loss.
But I think I may not ever be able to fully trust this thing until I actually have a baby in my arms. And that's going to be a very, very long time away. I should probably just be focusing one one thing at a time right now... Like kicking this cold. That first.
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