4WK5D - Second Beta, Symptoms, the Second TWW

So first off, here's the results of our second beta, which I got Monday afternoon:

569! Which is nearly double, at exactly 48 hours after the first one. So far, so good, yeah?

I got hit with a heavy dose of moodiness yesterday - moodiness to the point where I was so generally angry and disenchanted with my life that even the knowledge that I'm pregnant didn't make me feel better. :/ I just kept telling myself it was the hormones, and I know that's true - it also possibly comes from the fact that I've spent nearly every waking moment for the past year and a half focused on getting pregnant. Every penny I've earned, every meal I ate, every activity I did (or didn't do), it was all centered around how I felt about our TTC journey at that moment.

So now we have a second pink line, and positive betas, and a second TWW until we get an ultrasound and find out anything more... and other than taking my meds on time, there's sort of a sense of "Now what?" Not that I haven't LONGED to be able to move on to the now-what that comes after getting pregnant... it's just that I guess, in a sense, I am tired. Really tired. And while I want to launch into allllll the stuff that's been postponed - like our elopement, and starting on the nursery, and maybe even rejoining the "real" world by showing up to social things a wee bit more often - I'm currently kind of feeling stubbornly lazy. I kind of just want to curl up around this tiny flame I've at last managed to get started, and nap with it until it gets bigger, and not bother about any of the rest of it.

Of course, that's not entirely possible because I still have to do grown up things like go to work, and feed the dog, and put the dishes in the dishwasher, and fold laundry.  It's also starting to get a wee bit intimidating to think about how I'm going to manage to fit the care of a baby in with all of that. I know it will pretty much work itself out - necessity is the mother of invention, yeah? But as I was sitting on my couch for a few minutes this morning, waiting for my little dog to wake up in her crate and sort of waiting for myself to wake up a bit too before making my (decaf) morning coffee, I was thinking about how, once there's a baby in the house, I will probably not have minutes of silence in the morning to just sit and stare off blankly. And once said baby is a toddler - I'll probably not have minutes of silence EVER. :P

In addition to all of that, because of January's miscarriage I am far too aware of the fact that we are still a long way from the finish line. Just getting a positive beta doesn't mean I'm going to walk away with a baby in nine months. Up until I'd miscarried, I guess I kind of took for granted that two pink lines  =  baby. Miscarriage was something that happened to other people, unfortunate people. Well, I'm an other, unfortunate people now. And I will tell you, I have a whole new respect for the level of anger, sadness, frustration and jealousy that comes to folks who didn't get to walk away with their baby after that first positive test. I have to be careful, too, because I find myself wearing that disappointment like a badge of honor, like "oh, you were lucky enough to get to keep your baby on the first try? How nice for you. But since you didn't have to suffer like I did, you can't possibly love your child as much as I'm going to love mine." Which is, of course, horribly arrogant and assholey of me, and I have to keep checking my attitude. I wouldn't actually wish what I've been through on anybody. And just because we had to fight so hard doesn't in any way make our love for our kiddo superior to anybody else's love for theirs.

At the same time, I do think it makes it special, and unique. Our kiddo's going to know, from the time that they're itty bitty, just how much they were loved and wanted, and just how far we went (literally) in order to be able to have them in our family. That doesn't make their story any better or worse than anybody else's, but I hope it gives them a sense of self-worth and confidence.

Anyway, aside from the kind of extreme moodiness of yesterday, I had some nausea this morning (I'd say about a 4-5 on the scale of 1-10) while I was driving to work. Wasn't fun, but wasn't bad enough that I'd have had to pull over, either. It was mostly gone by the time I got here. I've since put some food in my stomach and I think that's going to help. But I am going to need to stash a thing of Saltines in my car, I think, for future morning commutes.

Friday will mark five weeks. It was also exactly at five weeks that I started bleeding last time, so I'm kind of anxious for Friday to get here so that I can prove to myself it's not going to happen this time. This weekend is Kaitlin's un-birthday (her real birthday is in December and gets lost between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so we celebrate on August 8th instead.) I know she wants to go to the Melting Pot for dinner, but we don't have solid plans for the day - we're really low on money and I can't go anywhere that there's a lot of walking, trying to keep that to small short bursts throughout the day until we see a heartbeat. So I'm not sure what we'll end up doing.

Right now, though, I really would like to just go home and nap and cuddle my puppy and watch Korean drama and surf the internet.

Instead, I will be a grownup and get through these files on my desk. :P

4WK3D – First Beta is In, Second is Pending Today…

So this weekend was spent mostly taking care of small chores – getting a part fixed for our lawnmower, doing some laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, getting groceries, returning a Comcast modem, etc.

Oh, and getting blood drawn early on Saturday for our first beta. I had to wait until Sunday morning to get the results, but they’re in, and they’re 287!!  YEAH!!

Nice good solid number. It’s higher than my first beta last time, but still not astronomically high. So it could be multiples, or it could be a singleton… that part’s still a mystery.

I stopped off at the doctor’s office before coming into work this morning for a second blood draw. Today is one of those moment-of-truth days, hoping that the results show a strong rise in the numbers. Doubling would be even better. I should get the results later this afternoon, after 3 PM.

Assuming they come back good and strong, I will then have a six-week ultrasound on 8/17, and a seven week ultrasound on 9/24. Technically these will be 6WK3D and 7WK3D, but that’s okay… the later they are the more likelihood we might get to see a heartbeat on the first try.

With our miscarriage, I first started bleeding at exactly 5 weeks. So I think this week and next are going to be pretty anxious, but I’m hoping they’ll pass quickly with NO BLOOD OR SPOTTING. Also a bit anxious to find out how many took. My Greek coordinator is going on leave this Friday, and won't be back until September 7th (apparently she's getting married :) ) It's a wee bit nervewracking, because if something doesn't go right I don't know if I can get ahold of her. But here's hoping that everything's just going to go well and it won't matter. She's already given me a medication schedule - I start reducing my meds effective 8/29, and cut back slowly until we're ready to stop them altogether - so I just have to follow the schedule and have the scans, and she said my OB would be the one to schedule future scans after the 7 week one. Wonder if that means I can have one at 8 weeks too? :3

In the meantime, I seem to have pregnancy symptoms that come and go. The most common are fatigue  - I run out of energy really quickly, and nausea, which hasn’t yet come back as bad as it was on Thursday last week (thank goodness) but still sort of comes and goes, usually when I get hungry. Also, last night I maybe kind of burst into tears and yelled at Kaitlin for eating two cupcakes that I’d thought were mine. Like seriously, I felt so hurt and disappointed that my cupcakes were gone that it was PERSONAL DEVASTATION AND BETRAYAL!!!!! She promised to buy me more today. :P

I have a lot more little test sticks to take pictures of, too, I just haven’t gotten around to that part yet, but the lines over the weekend were really dark, almost dark-as-the-test-line dark, which is reassuring. I still have a ton of tests so I’m going to keep indulging in my need to POAS while I’m waiting for the second beta and first ultrasound.

We’re waiting to see the heartbeat before we start making any kind of future plans. And waiting until end of the first trimester, probably, before we start really working on any of them. But I have a good feeling about this one, so it’s hard not to start the daydreaming early…

Fingers crossed for a great result this afternoon <3

IVF#3 11DP3DT – FOUR WEEKS

I’m waiting for the positive beta before I start tracking according to weeks of pregnancy, but I got a really dark line yesterday afternoon at work, and  two more this morning, so it’s worth noting that as of today, beta or not, I am 100% positive that I am four weeks pregnant.  (Well, the embryos are only two weeks old, but the way those silly doctors count pregnancy back to supposed first day of last period…)

As if that weren’t enough, I spent most of the day yesterday feeling exhausted, even after an amazing night’s sleep… and last night after dinner I had to lie down and stay down the rest of the night, because I was so nauseous. Didn’t throw up (I have to be really, really sick for that) but on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is normal non-nausea and 10 is puking my guts out, I’d say we were at a 7-8. Ugh. Ate saltines, drank water and managed to keep my medication in my tummy where it belongs, but it made for a crummy night’s sleep.

Still tired this morning, though not as dizzy and woozy as yesterday, so here’s hoping maybe today will be better. Still sitting here crunching saltines, though (which are slightly banana flavored, haha, since they’ve been hanging out in my office drawer with my fruit.) I think that saltines are about to become my new best friend, if this keeps up.

Oh, the irony. Just a couple days ago I was oh-so-worried about feeling too awesome, and now apparently I have nausea/fatigue before we’ve even had a positive beta. Pfft.  Be careful what you wish for??

Though I keep peeing on sticks and keep seeing that second line, it still feels a little surreal to think “I’m pregnant.” After eighteen months of trying, 4 ICIs, 6 IUIs, more pills, injections, and ultrasounds than I can even count,  three trips to Greece, four different sperm donors, three different egg donors, nine embryos transferred, forty thousand dollars spent and one miscarriage – I guess it’s just a little hard to wrap my brain around the fact that we’ve finally received what we’ve been begging the universe for all this time. I’m proud of us, for not giving up. I’m grateful – SO grateful – for the wise financial choices I made years ago in buying a house that I could then borrow against for all of this, and for sticking with my job through a couple really harrowing years such that I now have an income that allows us to feasibly manage TTC debt. But more than anything else, I am so, so grateful to see that second pink line.

I suppose I ought to be more nervous about another miscarriage, but somehow I’m not. Somehow, it feels way down deep in my gut that we’re taking a baby home this time for sure.  I have this sense of peace about it, and it’s funny – even all the little doubts and fears that enter my head can’t actually unseat the certainty that it’s going to turn out okay. So I’m holding on to that, because I think the baby(ies) are trying to tell me they’re sticking around.

Beta blood draw at 8 AM tomorrow. I am guessing we’ll end up with a second one on Monday. Then we get to find out what date we get to have an ultrasound. Hoping for six weeks…

Looking forward to the weekend, though, hopefully accomplishing a few small things and getting to mostly loaf. I’m not doing any more major cleaning projects until we see heartbeats. And even then, I may hold off on doing much until we’re through the first trimester and things are looking okay.

In the meantime, guess I will just have to start googling cute baby clothes and more nursery ideas :P

IVF#3 10DP3DT – Pregnancy symptoms are like a box of chocolates…

Or else it’s all in my head, which is possible. But did you know that both constipation AND diarrhea are pregnancy symptoms? Yay! And they’re made even MORE fun when you’re taking a boatload of progesterone pills in addition to whatever the little bean is cooking up in there. Oh yes.

I am curious whether women taking progesterone supplements, especially seriously heavy ones (I’m on 800 mg a day) generally experience pregnancy symptoms a lot earlier than non-supplemented pregnancies. I’ve always heard that morning sickness and all the “real” stuff starts kicking in around weeks 6-8. But I am having days where I feel awesome, and then days (and evenings) where I am ucky, and we haven’t even had a beta yet. Last night I was fine until I ate dinner (which consisted of salmon, corn, and zucchini) and for the rest of the night had all kinds of fun tummy issues that were still there when I got up this morning.

Oh, and a blood pressure drop, too, that had me really dizzy and short of breath in the shower. I have poor circulation and low blood pressure anyway, so when all my blood is hanging out in my stomach/uterus area, I get light-headed and woozy – especially in the summer, and especially in the shower where it’s hot and humid. So that was also fun.

So either I had a bad piece of salmon, or my body is playing all kinds of fun tricks on me as it tries to metabolize the crazy amounts of hormones I am stuffing into it all day long.

Guess all I can really do is keep drinking water. Especially if I’m going to be having blood pressure drops like that, sheesh. But even with all the water I’m drinking, either my bladder is getting bigger, or I’m just getting used to all the trips to the bathroom, because it doesn’t *seem* like I’m peeing as frequently as I was three or four days ago. Hmm.

Tested again this morning, still positive, so I’m feeling a lot more confident at this point – even if the line doesn’t seem to be getting much darker, it’s showing up nice and clear. Emailed my Greek doctor’s letter to my RE in preparation for the beta on Saturday morning.  Really interested in what the numbers will be. REALLY interested in what the first ultrasound is going to look like, though I know I’ll have to wait another couple weeks after the betas to find out.

Until then, trying to concentrate on eating good food and drinking enough water to sink a small boat. :P But I was looking up pregnancy diets last night, and holy cow, right now I just can’t imagine eating that much food. Like six times a day, SO MUCH FOOD. I really hope that I just develop an appetite for it when the time is right, because at the moment it’s hard to comprehend how I’ll fit all that eating into my day.

Also, I found this super cute video on Facebook that I wanted to share, because it’s awesome and cute and a little tearjerking and that little boy at the end is the very best part!

IVF#3 9DP3DT - So Far So Good

Yesterday I spent a lot of time with anxiety that maybe the BFP was fading. I felt GREAT yesterday... better than I have since we started this round of meds... and was worried maybe that meant that the BFP was going away.

But last night's tests, though maybe not darker than the day before, were still solidly positive. (PS, I discovered that the reason my boobs weren't hurting is because apparently my Victoria's Secret bra is magical. The minute I took it off last night to shower, boobs = ow. Put it back on this morning, and no pain! Well done, VS! I will be wearing this sucker for as long as possible while I'm pregnant.)

And this morning, even though I got to sleep through the night and didn't have to get up for the bathroom until 5:30 AM (wow!), I used both a FRER and Wondfo and both were still solid, clear positives.

So came to work, kept drinking my water, and got another faint positive on a Wondfo. (Yes, I realize this is an awful lot of peeing on sticks. Pffft, I say. I need lots of reassurance & this is how I get it :P ) Still feeling better than I think I ought to feel as a newly-pregnant lady on a ton of meds, but I wonder if maybe that's because embryos are sucking up the hormones so I'm not getting the side effects - unlike round #2 when I had every possible pregnancy side effect but no baby in there.

My beta appointment is at 8 AM on Saturday, so I just have to email the Greek doctor's orders over to the RE today or tomorrow. Pretty sure at this point it's going to be positive, the question is just *how* positive... and whether it doubles. Sounds like beta #2 will then be on Monday, so I guess we'll see.

Then another TWW, most likely, before we can have an ultrasound. I don't think I'll really be able to escape the anxiety until we get to the point where there is/are heartbeat(s) on the screen. Even so, I don't think I'll be able to hold myself back from excitement and planning and all of that until the ultrasound. We've been waiting so long for this... so long, to feel like life is really moving forward and we're really going to be able to get off the TTC-train at last and take the next step into pregnancy and parenthood... and it's kind of not possible to already start getting excited about doing all the things we've wanted to do for ages that we keep setting aside for "when we're not TTC-ing anymore." A lot of that is money-related - I have wanted to put a real floor in our basement for years, but couldn't afford it. We've wanted to elope (likely to Vegas, because if you're going to elope you should do it right), but couldn't afford it. And, of course, there's the nursery, and all the millions of daydreams about the wall mural and sewing little blankets and curtains and cushions that go with the theme, and acquiring all the furniture and setting it up to be our baby(ies)'s room... and some of the less romantical things about it, like bringing in an electrician to wire up ceiling boxes for overhead fans (why oh why did the house builders think that having no overhead lighting in bedrooms was a good idea???) and starting to think about remodeling the upstairs bath which will end up being the kiddo bathroom and... and... and...

You see what I mean. It's like life has been on hold for ages while we poured everything we had into this. And truthfully, we won't be able to do a lot of things right away anyway, because we've got to make a nice big dent in the debts accrued while TTC. But I'll admit, I'm already kinda sorta researching Montessori schools (there's one near our house that takes kids as young as 12 months) and daydreaming.

Cart miles before the horse. I know. But when you've dreamed of things for so long, even started to wonder if you'd never actually get there, it's hard not to get crazy excited.

And being excited and daydreaming is loads more fun than angsting over whether my pregnancy test line is getting darker and WHY IS IT NOT DARKER YET. :P Also, it's really only the equivalent of 12DPO. I should be grateful there's even a second line at all, not to mention how solid and clear it is.

So daydreaming it is. Right after I finish working on this pile of files on my desk!

IVF#3 8DP3DT - Always Something to Worry About!

So last night I took a FRER, and this morning I took a digital, and here you go:

(also a better pic of yesterday afternoon's stick)

So it's definitely BFP. Of course, now begins the contemplation of whether it's multiples, and if so, how many.

If that weren't enough, this morning I woke up with the heavy-tummy feeling completely gone, plenty of energy, no nausea, no moodiness, boob soreness gone and it doesn't seem like I have to pee. So now, even though I'm staring at the pic of the digital that says PREGNANT, I am second-guessing whether it's going to end up a chemical. And trying really hard to redirect those thoughts to "this is going to work, it HAS worked, we're taking a baby home this time." But ooooh, it feels like each little triumph is such a double-edged sword, because the stakes get higher.

And I guess it's always going to feel that way. After a positive beta, "will it double?" After a doubling beta, "will the ultrasound be ok? Will there be heartbeats? How many?" After a successful ultrasound, "will the next one be ok? and the next? Will I make it through the first trimester?" I think it's just never going to end. The uncertainty of TTC just turns into the uncertainty of pregnancy, so all this positive-thinking discipline I've been working on is far from over.

In the meantime, I am pretty far behind at work and have a bunch of meetings today. This week will likely be spent playing catch-up from the week I was out, before I can get to the new project my boss has assigned.

But, I did get an email back from the Greek clinic today, with the letter for my RE here ordering the beta test. So after my morning meetings I'm going to call to set the appointment for the blood draw.

She also sent me the egg donor's profile, so now I have information on both of them.

Egg Donor: 25 years old, white skin, brown hair, brown eyes, Type A-, 167 cm tall (about 5'6"), 50 kg (about 110 lbs), a dental assistant.

Sperm Donor: From Cryos International Sperm Bank, Donor #6567. Danish, blue/gray eyes, brown hair, 6 feet tall, 192 lbs, Type O+ (same as me!), an "interactive digital media" student.

That's all the info available for each of them, as they're both anonymous. But it's enough, I think - looks like we're likely to have a brown haired kiddo! Trying to focus on the positive possibilities rather than the not so positive ones at the moment. Hey, we've made it all the way to a second pink line. That's huge! So we just have to make it to beta now. This is going to be the one, right? <3

IVF#3 7DP3DT - WE DID IT!!

Took another test this morning, line still squinty but more there than ever before. Certain enough, at this point, that I marked it a a BFP on my little list.

Got to work, and took another one. And there's no longer any doubt in my mind at all. The pic's not cooperating with my phone, so I may have to wait a bit to post it, but trust me... no longer a chance that it's an evap.

This is the real deal, folks. EDIT: Here's the pic. It's darker in RL, but I couldn't get my camera to pick it up well...

I am pregnant again. And with a nice early result, so here's hoping this one is sticky.

There are a million things I need to get done now, a ton of stuff on my plate, but I'm at least going to take today to enjoy that second pink line and watch it get darker. I can't wait for our beta! I just have this feeling that we're really going to take a baby home this time.

So on my lunch break I have to run to Walmart and get groceries for nice pregnant-lady lunches for the rest of the week... and while I'm at it I'll pick up some FRERs and digitals. Gonna entertain myself with peeing on sticks for the rest of the week until beta day. YAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

Just stick, baby(ies), stick....

Due date is April 8th (if it's a singleton.)

5WK2D - Wait and see :(

It's the last day of 2014. And I am a little terrified - was doing fine this morning until I went to the bathroom a few minutes ago and found that I'm spotting. Now, it could be completely normal. Might not mean anything at all. It's not a heavy or bright flow, I'm feeling some unusual twinges/tightness/heaviness in my abdomen but not cramping, per se - and this is just a bit of brown spotting. I don't usually spot, I usually full-on BLEED, so it could still be okay.

But I am so worried that it's not. ;.;

I only *just* managed to get this new OB/GYN to agree to see me next week, when they didn't want to do it until the end of January. I can't exactly call them and ask them to see me *omgrightnow* because of spotting. But if I call my RE's office they'll tell me I'm not their patient anymore. And the Greek clinic is too far away to be able to do anything or tell me anything about it. There's nothing to do but wait until tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, and pray that it doesn't turn into any sort of full flow.

Last night I went to my general physician, who had me give a urine sample. They couldn't find any indication of a UTI in the basic test they did, but he prescribed me antibiotics anyway to be safe - Keflex, which he says is safe for pregnancy. I went home in the -10 degree weather, ate dinner, then drove to the pharmacy to pick up the meds. They taste TERRIBLE. Like, gag-me terrible. But I managed to get them down, along with my last progesterone pill of the day, and Kaitlin gave me the heparin shot (shudder) and I went to bed early.

Exhausted this morning, even harder time getting the antibiotics down, but already the super-frequent peeing seems to have slowed as has some of the discomfort I was feeling yesterday. Ate some yogurt for probiotics, and will need to make sure to have pretty decent servings every day until I'm off the antibiotics. Was feeling pretty awesome about today, and ending the year pregnant, and all of that - and then this.

And there's nothing to do but wait and see. It's not like there's anything they could do at this point if I WAS miscarrying. It will either happen or it won't. But I am so worried that this cold, and possible UTI, might have done something bad to the pregnancy. And I won't really know if there's still a baby in there until next week. We may or may not get to see a heartbeat - if the baby's in there and doing ok it will have a beating heart by then, but may be too small to see it. Or maybe there were two babies in there, and the spotting has to do with one of them not being strong enough to make it. Or maybe there are two babies in there, and the spotting is related to having twins - apparently that's more common in twin pregnancies. So many unknowns. Oh, oh, OH THE CONTROL FREAK IN ME HATES THE UNKNOWNS OF TTC. Seriously. It is so hard to plan for the future when things are so up in the air.

Will I get pregnant?
When will I get pregnant?
Will the pregnancy stick?
If the pregnancy doesn't stick, how long before miscarriage happens?
How many babies are in there?
If there's more than one, will they all make it?
What sex(es) are the baby(ies)?
Will the baby(ies) develop normally and be healthy?
Will having a cold/UTI/whatever cause interference with the pregnancy in any way?
If the pregnancy doesn't stick, how long before we can try again?

And on, and on, and on. Where is my crystal ball, dammit?? Or my time machine, so I can hop a couple years into the future and get answers to these questions, every one of which will have a relatively significant impact on the way my future progresses. Yet none will have answers AT LEAST until next week at the first u/s, and maybe not for weeks or months after that. Oh, how I hate unknowns. And I realize my little type-A personality needs to Let It Go. I should probably have that song on repeat right now, seriously. This is a skill I am seriously lacking.

So we achieved our OLW for 2014 - CONCEIVE. I was considering what the word for 2015 will be, but I think I'll have to hold off on deciding until we see what happens at the ultrasound next week. Until we see if this holds, I don't know what's coming next. But maybe it should have something to do with learning to let go. If there was one skill in this life that I really, really need, it's that one. I'm awful at it.

I am hoping and wishing that the spotting goes away. Maybe it's just the infection being cleared by the antibiotics? Maybe it's just the baby snuggling in a little deeper, getting a better grip in there?

Please, oh please, universe, don't take this away now. PLEASE.  After everything we've done to get here this year, it will just make me want to curl up into a little ball and implode...

EDIT:  Okay, deep breath. I am reminding myself that the day we got our BFP, I had lots of cramping - bad enough to use a heating pad - and spotting that was much heavier than this. But I'd felt pretty peaceful and confident anyway, because for the very first time I had a second line on a test.

So bottom line is, I need to have a nice, big pregnant-lady lunch, including a plate full of greens, carrots, tomatoes and snow peas, and a lentil and sausage soup. I need to take my meds, take my vitamins, drink water like it's going out of style, and rest assured that no matter what happens, it's not the end. Worst case scenario, we miscarry - and I'll shuck money at our HELOC until I have enough to try again. October - maybe August.

Internet says 50% of women with spotting don't miscarry. Other studies show even better percentages than that. So stressing isn't going to help - but eating and drinking and resting will, and that's just what I'm going to do.

I have tomorrow off, for the New Year's holiday. I am assigning myself to bed rest for the entire day. No chores, no nothing. I will sleep as late as I want, I will take a nap, and I will sit in bed and do page proofs all day long. If Kaitlin is home I will make her bring me food. :P

In the meantime, since I got paid today, I paid my bills. Did a little research on our travel American Express, and due to some promotional benefits and the significant portion of our Greek trip that I was able to use it for, I should end up with enough rewards points to get free airline tickets to Vegas for our elopement later this year.

Or maybe it's just the afternoon meds making me dizzy, which is a feeling slightly like being drunk, in which things feel less serious and less important and I feel oddly more relaxed. Now back to our regularly scheduled workday, and I'm actually going to try and enjoy this (perfectly legal, even at work, haha) buzz. LOL.

5WK1D - Possible UTI and other developments...

So what I thought was just a quirky pregnancy symptom has, in the last 24 hours, worsened to the point where I now suspect I have a UTI. I've had a couple of them before, never very pleasant, but apparently it sounds like pregnant women are particularly susceptible to them (and partly because of the progesterone in their systems which weaken muscle tone around the urethral tubes, or something??) Seeing as how I'm on 800 mg of progesterone a DAY, it makes sense.

But I've been getting increasingly uncomfortable even as my cold is slowly getting better. I called the OB/GYN today, and after a bunch of shuffling around managed to get an appointment for next week - January 8th - for an ultrasound. They weren't going to see me that early, but I explained to them that I had an IVF transfer in Greece and the Greek clinic needs ultrasound results to ensure my medication dosages, and they managed to get me in. (Hee, I get a u/s at 6 weeks instead of having to wait until 8!)

But a few hours after making the appointment, I was uncomfortable enough to realize that I just can't wait that long to see if this is a UTI and get treatment for it - I'm already a lot less comfortable than I was yesterday and I don't want to do ANYTHING that might end up risking the pregnancy. So, I called my general physician's office and they're going to get me in at 5:20 tonight. Thank goodness. If they prescribe me something, I think I will also end up picking up some cheap pregnancy tests when I pick the prescription up.

In the meantime, trying to eat lots of snacks and stay super hydrated. I am ALMOST caught up on the work that's on my desk from being out... almost. Hopefully by end of the day tomorrow it will be back to normal again.

Also, I am super tired. Then again, I'm often super tired. :P But I think right now it's a combination of trying to fight off this cold and being pregnant. The cold is getting a little better every day. I was able to sleep ok last night, about half as snuffly today as I was yesterday.

Oh, and I finally got the prescription for my progesterone/estrogen/heparin refills from the Greek clinic, and again got to play the fun internet game of where-the-hell-do-i-order-these-from. The place I ordered from last time doesn't carry the heparin. Finally found a UK clinic that offers all three and has 7-day shipping. Which will be cutting it close, but hopefully still get here on time. I sent the order in - around 367 British pounds, no idea how much that's going to be in USD when it's all said and done... guess we'll see. Hoping it will be my last major TTC expenditure, because all the ones going forward should be covered by insurance - yay!!

Now to get through the rest of the day until I can get to the doctor...

FIVE WEEKS

Sore throat is gone, but still sneezy and snuffly. However, I got the best sleep last night (almost 8 hours straight) that I've had since we returned from Greece, without any interruptions, and I think that helped a lot.

Definitely nauseous today. At first I thought it might just be my usual morning nausea, especially since I've been making myself eat breakfast. I pretty much always feel sick to my stomach when I wake up, especially if I haven't had enough sleep, and it gets worse if I eat - especially if I eat something sweet. This morning I had some grape-nuts cereal with blueberries, a little honey, and milk, and so on the drive to work I was feeling queasy, but that's pretty par for the course with me.

 But, it's afternoon now and it still hasn't gone away. It's not awful or unbearable, just a general sort of background yuck. It's actually less intrusive if I don't think about it and focus on work, so that's what I've been trying to do.

I went to the grocery store on my lunch break, though, and bought myself a Christmas present - the mini-fridge I've had my eye on all year. Since being pregnant's going to require frequent snacks, I figure it's time I had a little fridge at work to store them in. It's still out in my car, though, because I don't want to have to answer a bunch of questions from my staff when I bring it in. I'm going to wait until they've all gone for the day before I bring it in and set it up. Stealth!Fridge. LOL.

Oddly enough, what I am craving right now is leafy greens. Sitting here eating a big salad and my tummy is rejoicing, even through its slightly seasick feeling. Meds are still making me dizzy after each dose - I think I'm going to have to be careful about driving right after I've taken them.

Still having to pee a ridiculous number of times a day. And, while this may be TMI for some folks, how come no one ever talks about feminine itching as a pregnancy symptom? Because I've googled it, and it IS one (thank goodness, because I was starting to think I might have an infection or something.) But of all the stuff I've seen pregnant ladies talk about, this is one that was kind of a surprise. O.o Awkward much??

Right now I am just more grateful than I can express that the sore throat is really and truly gone. That was one of the most uncomfortable ones I've ever had, and dealing with the snuffles now feels like cake in comparison, bah! I did make a call and leave a message for the appointment scheduler at the hospital that's halfway between work and home, but haven't heard back yet. I was having phone trouble earlier this morning so if I don't hear from them in another hour or so I figure I'll call back again. Really looking forward to having an ultrasound appointment date, so that I can put it on my calendar and count down to it. Hoping very, very much that everything's progressing like it's supposed to. Also, it would be really nice to know whether we're looking at twins or a singleton. That question's going to be burning up my brain until we know for sure.

4WK6D - Lazy Day

A little more energy today, a little less soreness in the throat, somewhat more sleep last night than the night before. Still sick, but on the upswing. Feeling a little nauseous tonight but I'm still thinking it's the cold, not the pregnancy. Got a few small things done around the house, like putting away some laundry and emptying the dishwasher, but overall I've really spent most of the day sitting on the couch doing nothing and trying not to nap, since when I nap my insomnia kicks in at night.

I did have a really vivid, disturbing dream last night. Like, a pure EVIL dream. Disturbing enough that I woke up feeling sick, and suddenly feeling like I could kind of understand how ladies who have recurring nightmares while pregnant might become convinced that their unborn child was somehow demonic, because there was such evil going on in their dreams. It actually took me a while to calm down and remind myself that pregnancy does weird shit to one's brain. But ew yuck shudder ugh! I hope I don't have many more of those, because that was not fun at all.

Guess in a bizarre way it means so far, so good. Though I haven't taken a pregnancy test of any kind all weekend and, dumb though it might be, it makes me nervous not to have confirmation that baby(ies) is/are still in there.

Tomorrow I call the OB/GYN and see if I can set up an ultrasound appointment. Tomorrow will officially be five weeks. I'm trying to brace myself, as everything I've read says that morning sickness is coming soon. And honestly, with everything that's going on at work I don't know how I'm going to deal. My mom says morning sickness was really bad for her... and she was a stay at home mom, so she didn't have to try and balance it with work. I inherited her early menopause, so it makes sense to expect I'll inherit the sickness too. A little worried about how bad it might be.

We still haven't really told anyone, other than a vague "so far it's working, let's wait and see" kind of thing to a very few members of the family, the ones who knew what we were going to Greece for. I feel like saying something right now will jinx it. It still doesn't quite feel real. I think my boss is actually going to end up being the first to know because I'll need time off, maybe some work from home time, when the sickness hits.

If I'm still pregnant. Cause, you know, I haven't had a pee test to confirm it. And once I had the beta, well, the pee test feels inadequate. Now I want the blood test on a regular schedule just so I can be reassured that the numbers are still rising like they should. SIGH. Also, I want to BUY ALL THE BABY THINGS. Which is completely jumping the gun, since first of all I have less than no money, and second we are still in that super delicate time when this could turn out to be an early loss.

But I think I may not ever be able to fully trust this thing until I actually have a baby in my arms. And that's going to be a very, very long time away. I should probably just be focusing one one thing at a time right now... Like kicking this cold. That first.

4WK5D - A Little Better

Last night was rough.  My throat hurt so bad I could barely think about anything else, so I went to bed around eight or so... Woke up at midnight to pee and couldn't go back to sleep, I was just too uncomfortable. So I stayed up for a while surfing on my iPad, and around 3 am was finally able to go back to sleep. Woke up again at 7, used the bathroom, and was actually able to doze off again until about 9.

The sleep has done a lot of good, though I still feel tired. My throat is better, still sore but at least now it's bearable. And, I had an epiphany in the middle of the night about the nursery, which I pitched to Kaitlin this morning and she loves... We're thinking of doing an "It's A Small World" theme. Since one of the things we dream of doing with our kid(s) is taking them with us on international vacations to see the world, it seems like a really apropos theme... And, it's definitely non-gendered. I think I'm going to make a ton of plushies (one of my online friends is a near-expert at it and I've always wanted to try it myself) with the different international costumes, and we'll either arrange them on a shelf or maybe clip them to strings that drape the walls... And Kaitlin will do a big mural, and I'll appliqué a crib blanket and/or bumper or maybe make some Spoonflower fabric for sheets and curtains. Not entirely sure yet what the entire thing will look like but we're excited about it.

I heard back from the Greek clinic last night... Our coordinator's going to send me a prescription so I can order more of the meds I'm on (we only have 11 days of injections left and apparently we have to keep them up for the next 5 weeks.) and, we are supposed to schedule an ultrasound in 2 weeks. I think I am going to try and schedule that with an OB/GYN instead of the fertility clinic, though. I want to find a doctor who will consider me their patient and actually talk to me about what's going on.

Two weeks feels like a really, really long time to go without reassurance that the pregnancy is still progressing like it should. I wish they'd at least let me do HcG tests every week or so. :/ I may end up buying more pregnancy tests just to reassure myself that things are ok.

But anyway, eating spicy soup now and staying in bed today, even though the house really needs cleaning... I want to make sure I've kicked this bug before I have to back to work next week, since I was too sick to get almost anything done yesterday. Maybe I will even take a nap :p

4WK4D - And we're still in the game!

In spite of feeling snuffly, coughy, sneezy, and sore-throaty, I still dragged myself out of bed bright and early this morning to get to my pre-work doctor appointment for a blood draw - the moment of truth - a second hcg beta.

Usually they don't get the results back until later in the afternoon, but today, by some miracle, by the time I got to work the results were in my inbox:



And we have doubling!! More than doubling, in fact, as we needed at least 380 based on the last test and it's over that. This is really happening, folks. I can hardly believe it, but we are definitely pregnant. They also did a progesterone test:



According to their little chart my progesterone is off-the-charts. Which is hardly surprising since the Greek clinic has me on 800 mg A DAY. It's sounding like we have to keep up with the med schedule for five more weeks. Not happy about having to have those heparin shots daily for that long *shudder* but they're a little less awful when I know that there's really a baby in there.

I emailed the results to the Greek clinic and am now awaiting our next instructions. I'm also going to begin the search for an OB/GYN to take us the rest of the way. I think our next appointment will either be a third beta (if the Greek folks ask for it) OR our first ultrasound, either at 6 or 8 weeks depending on what the clinic asks us to do... but I'm excited to find out.

In the meantime I am suffering through this cold as best I can, sans medicine. I'm taking tylenol and alcohol-free chloraseptic, as the internet says it's okay :P but no tea or my usual drug of choice, decongestant nasal spray. Oh, how I long for nasal spray and sudafed! Apparently an OB/GYN may know of some additional meds I can take that will be safe, but honestly we are SO early into this... and it's such a critical, critical time in baby development, that I'm really concerned about using anything at all. As long as I can get enough sleep to avoid overstressing myself, everything else I will just have to suck it up for.

Still peeing every five minutes. Ugh. Though not as often, it seems, since I started getting this cold, maybe because my body's using more of the water that I'm drinking... Seriously, I am drinking a TON. No real morning sickness yet, though right now it's hard to tell since I do feel pretty tired and a wee bit tummy-sick, but not in any way that would be worse than the usual cold. Meds are still making me dizzy, especially after the lunch and dinnertime doses. But right now it's the sore throat that's bothering me most. Feels like I'm trying to swallow a golf ball that's on fire. Drinking hot water helps, but only a little. I really hope it goes away over the weekend, 'cause I'd like the chance to enjoy this pregnancy thing a little before the morning sickness starts... according to TEH INTARWEBS, 6 weeks in is about when that particular joy begins. :P

So bring on the first trimester, and here's hoping those numbers keep going up as they should and our first ultrasound shows a healthy little proto-human (or two) in there. ^_^

4WK3D - Happy Christmas

Had a lovely Christmas with family this year. Got to FaceTime my youngest brother, who's currently in Laos, and our usual presents/family meal rituals went great. We got pies from Village Inn this year and they were much loved by all.


From left to right: Kaitlin, my youngest brother Caleb (via Facetime, because he's hanging out on the beach in Laos, lucky bastard), my dad, my sister-in-law Johanna, my middle brother Christian (Johanna's husband), me (plus tiny dog Cricket and even tinier invisible baby(ies)), my mom, Kaitlin's dad

Unfortunately I've felt sick all day, and it's progressively gotten worse. And I don't mean morning-sickness kind of sick, I mean sneezing, coughing, runny nose sick. It's combined with tiredness and nausea but I really can't tell whether it's part of being pregnant or just because I have a cold. Either way I feel really tired and have a bad sore throat right now, and really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow. I'm glad it will just be for one day before the weekend, though. I need a good long rest.

Hoping the beta tomorrow turns out okay. I'm kind of worried about what being sick could mean for the pregnancy. Sitting here drinking hot water with lemon and honey, because I can't really have tea or take decongestants... Hoping this bug blows over soon. Probably will post some pictures this weekend.

Merry Christmas, everybody. If all goes well, we'll have a little one with us by this time next year...

4WK2D - Positive Beta

Here's my test pic from this morning, using a digital test, which was the last one I had left:



Pretty clear "pregnant" result, so of course I was doing the happydance all the way to the doctor's office for my blood draw. I am kind of disappointed in my RE's office, now. Maybe it's just because all the ladies there didn't want to be working on Christmas Eve, but I really got the sense that they weren't all that happy for me and didn't really want to be working with me. It's been increasing over the last couple months, ever since I started working with the Greek clinic, and they're constantly (I mean, with every visit and every phone call) reminding me that "we're not your doctor anymore."

Which I find really annoying. But anyway, they emailed me the hcg beta results this afternoon:
\

In case that's too hard to read, it's 190.1. According to their confusing little chart that seems really low for being around 4 weeks pregnant, which is where I'm at today.... so I was freaking out a little bit. But after a bit of googling and some reassurance from the nice ladies on the NW forum, it looks like my doctor's chart isn't terribly accurate, and 190 is a pretty average number for 17DPO (which is about where I am right now.)

The real test, then, and the next hurdle, is to do the test again on Friday - the day AFTER Christmas - and see if the number doubles like it's supposed to. And then we'll know if we have something viable. I am very very tentatively titling this post with my pregnancy progress date, but waiting until we get our second beta before really and truly rejoicing...

Symptoms today: still peeing like crazy, and (TMI) diarrhea. Spotting is mostly gone, very very faint. Also quite a bit of fatigue and maybe a tiny bit of nausea this afternoon. BUT, that being said, I also didn't sleep well last night... woke up at 1 in the morning with a very scratchy throat. I set up our humidifier and tried to go back to sleep, but the air in my lungs felt really cold and my throat hurt and I was hungry. Got up again, turned on the bedroom heater, went downstairs and ate a bit of cheese, then came back upstairs and continued to lay there without being able to sleep until probably 6 AM... which was right about the time my alarm went off. X.x

So some of what I'm feeling may be because I'm coming down with something. Currently drinking hot water with lemon and I'm going to try and nap for a while since I had a half day at work and Kaitlin's not home from her work shift yet. There are still quite a few things to do to be ready for Christmas tomorrow but right now I'm just too tired... let's see what happens with a little sleep. :)

IVF#1 11DP5DT - Merry Christmas Eve Eve!!

So this morning I took another test.




Darker positive second line, which is a good sign, but at the same time I'm spotting today. While our IVF coordinator told us that could happen, and said it could be very normal, it's still a little unnerving. I don't want to be spotting, I want to be pregnant. :P Apparently the two are not mutually exclusive, but my lizard brain says they SHOULD be.

Anyway, it still looks like we are on track, and I'm holding my breath. I'm going to use the last of my pregnancy tests - a Clearblue digital - tomorrow in the morning, just before I go in for my blood draw. And by tomorrow afternoon we should have our doctor-verified pregnancy result. And then, if the universe continues to be kind, we should get a second test result on Friday that shows the numbers increasing... and we'll be on our way.

I got dizzy again today, about an hour after taking my lunchtime meds. More dizzy than I remember feeling yesterday, and it was a little worrying because I was driving my car back to work from lunch when it first hit. Thankfully I went into a meeting and focusing on work stuff sort of made it fade into the background. But it was weird. I don't notice it as much with my nightly doses, but that's probably because that's around the time I'm heading to bed anyway.

I am also still peeing like crazy - I used to have to go maybe 2 - 3 times a day, and right now it's more like 10-12. That is not EVEN an exaggeration. It's seriously annoying. And I am feeling a bit of cramping today, very low and on either side of my abdomen. And spotting, just a little bit. No nausea or ultra-fatigue yet, and I am perfectly okay with it if those would like to wait a bit before showing up, LOL... My energy level is back to normal today - I was reluctant to get out of bed this morning, and I'm not bouncing and zooming like I was yesterday. A shame, because THAT was a side effect I could definitely get happily used to. But I think I'd forgotten how much energy my work takes, and how quickly I burn down throughout the week, and though I felt good about what I got done yesterday I definitely felt the effects this morning.

I got page proofs for my next book via email this morning, so now there's another project on my plate for the next couple weeks. Excited, because if all goes well I could be announcing my pregnancy right about the same time as the book is released, and that is just DARN cool. I don't know how my poor little heart will take the overload of joy. 2015 is shaping up to be an AWESOME year - right exactly when I could really use it, since work is shaping up to be a huge challenge - and I'll take all the personal joy I can get to ensure that work stress just rolls right off in favor of the truly important things in life. <3

So this blog is over a year old now, I just realized. And here's the post from Christmas Eve Eve last year, in which I was gearing up to propose to Kaitlin. Wow. This year has been one of the most roller-coaster crazyinsane adventurous journeys I think I've ever been through. Funny, because looking back on it now I remember feeling mostly stagnant and stuck all year, with BFNs galore and delay after delay and nothing but disappointments and steadily increasing medical bills. And yet it's brought us to a (possible) BFP after all, one year later.

Unbelievable.

Now if only this will stick, and NOT turn out to be a chemical, and carry through the next nine months strong and healthy and right. 

IVF#1 10DP5DT - So far so good

Another second line this morning....



That's the new one at the bottom. The first ones are already fading, but the second line is getting darker, so that's encouraging. Just two more days to go until our blood test. I've never looked forward to being stabbed with a needle more. (though it's still scary. *shudder*)

Today has definitely been interesting. I had to go back to work today, and this morning I have been full of energy and optimism. Seriously, I haven't been this cheerful and productive in forever, or felt this good about being at work. I was dreading coming back, and even with the mountain of things on my plate somehow I feel like nothing can burst my balloon right now. :P

At lunch, I tried to go down to the sheriff's office to get fingerprint cards so I can start the process of my name change, but unfortunately they only do fingerprinting Tuesday - Thursday, so I have to go back tomorrow. Then I tried to drive over to the Walmart parking lot to drop off a few things in the Goodwill collection box, but it was no longer there (sigh) which means I'll have to swing by one of the thrift stores in our part of town when I get off work tonight. I took my afternoon meds, and after eating I suddenly started to feel weirdly dizzy - like I do when my blood pressure drops suddenly, only without the tunnel-vision, thank heaven. And that lasted for a while... I still feel a little bit of it now and it's been almost three hours. O.o I think it's the progesterone and my own natural low blood pressure issue, but if this is a pregnancy symptom it's not one I've heard of.

Anyway, in spite of the dizziness my energy levels are through the roof, and so is my mood. This is so weird. I mean, I'm a generally happy person, but this is pretty chipper even for me. :P I'm enjoying it, though. Going to milk as much as I can from the feeling-great time, as I imagine there are probably pukey sicky tired times ahead. :P But right now, I am pregnant. And it feels like my happiness is suddenly invincible, LOL.

Hope it sticks around... what a nice feeling.

Now to get back to the mountain of files on my desk...

IVF#1 9DP5DT - Still positives so far...

Took a couple more tests this morning, albeit with a much more diluted urine sample. Got a second line on both. Here they are next to yesterday's tests:



If I had unlimited tests I'd be doing one every time I pee, but alas, I gave away a bunch of them to my mom to give to my sister-in-law who also wants to get pregnant. So I only have three left, and there are two days before I go in for a blood test, so I figure I can let myself take one per day for the next three days, and by then I should have the definitive blood test results. Kaitlin's not inclined to believe these tests until we get a blood test confirmation. But I'm pretty darn sure that second line doesn't show up by mistake on four tests in a row.

Anyway, I spent today doing more last-minute Christmas errands (and peeing every hour. I'm not kidding. It's super annoying.) A few tummy twinges and aches but nothing major. And I find myself tearing up at everything baby-related - from "Mary Did You Know" playing on the radio, to all the kids' stocking stuffers I had to sift through to find enough things for our all-adults Christmas this year... and thinking about how next year, if this goes the way it should, we'll have a 4-month-old (or TWO) at Christmastime. I will also admit to wandering the baby section at Walmart in order to sigh over the adorable tiny outfits. <3

I'm a little worried that I'm getting drawn in to this too quickly, too soon. I find myself assuming this is a done deal and we're having a baby - yet I know it's still super early. We could end up with a chemical. We could end up with an early miscarriage. Charging forward like it's all good is not the smart thing to do, but oh my gosh I've just waited so LONG for this and it's really hard to hold back.

I pulled out my copy of the Pregnancy Journal, which I've had for four years and haven't been able to use, and started reading through the early pages and scribbling notes on little post-its so that I don't forget what I want to write in it later, if this does look like it's going to stick. One of the questions was something like "What's the thing you like best about being pregnant?" and the first answer that came to mind is that it feels like life is finally going to start now. I'm 35 years old, and up to this point it's felt like I've been waiting for life to actually begin. And now that we'll have a little one joining us... well... suddenly it feels like that's going to happen. I don't think I really understood it that clearly before, but it explains why this TTC journey has felt so frustrating and exhausting, why life has felt so stagnant and stuck as we faced BFN after BFN. Anyway, it was a bit of a revelation.

I have to go back to work tomorrow, after two amazing, glorious weeks of vacation. I SO DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT, especially since I know things are going to be crazypants over the next couple months, and I know I'll be coming back to a backlog of stuff I'll need to work through. Yet somehow it feels like all the stress at work is going to be able to just roll off in light of being pregnant. I'll have something bigger to focus on, and I think it's going to give me the perspective to be able to just work on work while I'm there, and set it aside when I leave. Here's hoping, anyway.

So, I have an appointment for a blood pregnancy test at 8 AM Christmas Eve, and if it's positive (pretty sure it will be!) then I have to go back for another one the day after Christmas. I have no idea what happens next. I know I need to start my name change paperwork so I can change my last name from my ex's before the baby comes. I have some financial planning to do to start getting this debt paid down. Kaitlin and I will need to plan an elopement - probably to Vegas - after the name change but before the birth. And there's a ton of work to be done in the nursery, as it's currently full of Kaitlin's art supplies and will need to be painted and furniture acquired and all that. So if this sticks, the next nine months are going to be crazyfull of preparations, large and small.

I also need to make a schedule of self-care things that I should be sure to stick with, like flossing when I brush my teeth, using lotion daily, replacing all fast foods with salads and protein-rich stuff, keeping coffee to one cup a day, and of course taking my meds four times a day (!) and having Kaitlin give me that heparin injection every evening until the Greek doc says otherwise.  Yikes.

But those are things that I know can keep til tomorrow. Tonight I'm just going to try and get some sleep, as I woke up to pee at 3 AM today and wasn't able to get back to sleep because I was so excited... :P

IVF#1 8DP5DT - OMG I think it may have worked...

So I'm trying not to get too excited here, but just look at this:




Just this morning I was up in the wee hours of the morning feeling horribly certain it hadn't worked this time either. Yesterday poor Kaitlin had to hold me for a bit while I cried after getting a stark white negative test. I even made some pretty pouty posts on the NorthWest TTC forums about how discouraged I was feeling.


I put off testing until this evening because I needed some time to regroup. And I tested, sort of haphazardly, fully expecting it to be negative again. Instead, there seemed to be a faint second line. Excited, I showed it to Kaitlin, and admired it for a while, and lamented the fact that I hadn't kept the little cup full of pee so now I had to wait until I needed to pee again before I could doublecheck - and somehow in all the excitement I dropped the tiny test stick and it slid under my desk in the office and vanished. My desk is enormous and too heavy even for Kaitlin and I to move together.  So the test was lost forever, and I was left feeling like maybe I'd just imagined the entire thing.


I waited, and waited, and had some soup for dinner, and started to feel crampy. I still feel crampy - like period-is-coming kind of cramps. Since I don't want to mess with any of my meds I'm staying away from the painkillers and trying to soothe the discomfort with a heat back on my tummy. Finally I had to pee again, so this time I kept the little cup full and tried another test - and saw that second line again. (It's the little test on the bottom in the picture above.)


So I made Kaitlin pause the show we were watching and drive me to the drug store for fancier pregnancy tests. She teased me the whole way and insisted on driving SUPER SLOOOOOOOW. Grrrr. But I got home, used two of the tests, and... well, just look.


I think I'm pregnant.


I think it worked.


I can barely wrap my brain around this. The lines are super faint, especially the ClearBlue one, but they ARE there. I'll be testing again tomorrow. And where I was kind of dreading Christmas Eve, I suddenly absolutely cannot wait. I could be having a baby... or TWO. Eeeep!


I know it's still really early. I know a lot of things could still happen. But to finally see those two lines, after a year of putting absolutely everything into trying -- it feels like a miracle. A dream I hope I don't wake up from.


PLEASE LET THIS BE IT, UNIVERSE. <3