25WK6D - Closing Out The Year

Starting this off with a belly pic from Christmas last week, which coincidentally fell on the same day as our 25-week milestone!

ACORNSQUASHBABY doesn't really roll off the tongue, but that's what the sticker says, LOL. In just a few more weeks, we're out of the second trimester and into the third. Things are starting to get REAL now, yo. :P I still get a lot of comments about how I don't look very pregnant yet - but I'm betting the third trimester's going to kick baby growth into a more obvious gear.

I've been feeling pretty good, overall. Lots of congestion, lots and lots of baby kicks - they're strong enough now that I can sit at work and watch my tummy bouncing <3 Still a little bit of nausea, but it's not bad. And sitting/lying down is awkward and uncomfortable, especially when I have a full stomach. I'm a little tired too, but energy levels are much better than they used to be. So overall, heading into the next few weeks doing pretty well. Our next appointment is on Monday, January 4th - I believe it's mostly a checkup and they do some sort of additional blood test, make sure baby is growing properly and all of that.

We had a really nice Christmas and I finally got to meet my tiny baby niece! Cricket (my little minpin) was fascinated. It's sure going to be interesting for her when our baby shows up, hehe~*

That's my dining room table all set up for Christmas. I am thinking next year, when we have a 8-9 month old, it may not look quite so polished so I better enjoy the memories while I can! Oh, and Kaitlin made the CUTEST Nutcracker-themed scratch-off card game - they looked a bit like lottery tickets - to reveal baby's gender to the family. There was only one "winning" card in the batch - everyone had to scratch off three gold seals to reveal little Nutcrackers (for a boy) and Sugar Plum Fairies (for a girl), and the person who got three matching symbols had the right answer. It was a ton of fun, and my mom was the one who got the winning card, so she got to announce the answer to the rest of the family. <3 I'm still not allowed to announce it on the blog or to friends yet, though, because Kaitlin wants to wait for our shower/gender reveal party that's probably going to be set for February. That feels like such a loooooong time to wait - I'm having an increasingly hard time keeping myself from slipping up as more and more people ask me how the pregnancy is going. :P

Anyway, today is the last day of 2015. And what a year it's been. The nightmare of miscarriage, returning to Greece twice, finally getting pregnant again, the misery of the first trimester, Kaitlin's dad passing away, drama at work, getting married in Vegas, and ending the year five months pregnant and anticipating what will likely be an even more chaotic 2016 :P

I realized this morning that I never did end up picking a OLW (One Little Word) for 2015. The miscarriage and subsequent attempts sapped my confidence quite a bit. Choosing an optimistic word felt presumptuous; choosing a determined word felt like more of a challenge than I had the strength for; and choosing a negative word felt like I'd be placing a curse on the rest of the year. But here we are, at the end of 2015, and I think now I can assign a Word to it - PERSEVERE.

Of all the words I can think of, that's the one that jumps out at me. It goes beyond "SURVIVE", which was all I could do those first few months. But it has a little more gravity than "SUCCEED" or "CELEBRATE," neither of which really capture the darker and more difficult things we've overcome this year. What I really need is a word that encapsulates the idea of "carrying on," of continuing to press forward and refusing to accept defeat even when hope is crushed. So PERSEVERE it is.

And for 2016? Right now I am thinking something along the lines of GROW, NURTURE, and/or EVOLVE. Something that captures the big changes that are going to be coming next year, and the idea of giving a fresh, strong, solid start to a new life - to our marriage, to this new little person we're adding to the world, and to my own life. I think there are probably a lot of applications to my work life, too - I have to take a 12-month break from my job, hope that things go smoothly in my absence, hope others don't use that time to sabotage what I've built here, and maybe even find a way to come back from it in a stronger, better, more valued position. Maternity leave is an opportunity, if I handle it right, to impress my bosses and staff and clients with how prepared I can be and how dedicated to the work I am - but has to be balanced with not making it *too* easy to absorb my absence, because it would be not-so-good if things ran so smoothly without me that it raised the question "What do we even need her for, anyway?"

I'm going to tackle those worries next week, though, and for now just think about getting through the rest of this year.

Now that Christmas and our wedding are checked off the to-do list, we've turned our attention to the next things needing attention: Kaitlin's name change (she changed it with social security and the DMV this week), getting her added to my medical insurance at work, getting her car and motorcycle sold and a more reliable (hopefully 4-door) car purchased, and getting nursery and other baby things squared away.

This week we found a gorgeous dresser and crib on Craigslist for only $100 - a third of what I was budgeting - and snapped it up. We are now the proud owners of this beautiful set of furniture:

We also picked up the jogging stroller/car seat combo we've been eyeing at Babies 'R Us:

And tomorrow we have an electrician coming to the house to run wiring and install a ceiling fan/light in both the nursery and the office, which is a project I have wanted to do for years. We've already started "photobashing" (digitally putting together a layout for the wall mural) and Kaitlin's doing the vectorizing to create the wall art; the "Small World" castle is pretty much done, and the "Europe" wall is next. This weekend I have to finish the photobashing(still have an "Islands" wall, an "Arctic" wall, and the "Asia/Africa/Americas" wall to plan out) in the hopes that Kaitlin will be able to vector it all during the week next week so we can start painting next weekend.

There are so many things we're going to need to get done, from remodeling the nursery closet to installing baby gates to planning the baby shower - not to mention that I really want to take some birthing classes, tour the hospital where baby will be born, and get maternity photos taken. It's a bit overwhelming, but at the same time I'm really looking forward to having so many exciting things to do.

Truthfully I'm a wee bit nervous, heading into New Year's, because of how horrible the New Year was for us last year. I know this baby and pregnancy are different - even if baby were to come early, at 26 weeks there'd still be a decent chance of survival. But I guess traumas get deep into our lizard brains sometimes and they're tough to shake. So taking a deep breath and trying to focus on all the stuff there is to look forward to, and not think too much about scary what-ifs.

It's going to be a good year. *fistpump*

THIRTEEN WEEKS

Thirteen weeks today. Some places online say this is the start of the second trimester, while others say that won't happen until next week. But whatever. I am ready for the first trimester to be done, and therefore I am dubbing today as the start of the second. :P

Today's another higher-energy morning, for which I am grateful. I've been able to juggle a couple of meetings that needed my full attention, so I'm feeling a lot better about today than the earlier parts of this week. It's noon and I'm only just starting to get a hint of stomach yuckies, so I'm hoping maybe tonight will go a bit easier. Took my last dose of meds, including my last injection, last night. Hallelujah!!! No more shots for meeee, no more shots for meeeeeeeee... now to wait for all these colorful bruises on my tummy to go away.

Baby has apparently decided that he/she hates potato chips, and will only drink iced tea. O.o Plain water is usually what I like, but baby is just not having it. It's iced tea or nothing. Still, now that I've finally figured that out, I've been able to get about three times more liquid down in the past couple days. So okay, little baby, iced tea it is. You sure are being weird. I can already tell you're going to be a handful. :P

Wearing my newly-acquired maternity jeans to work today. They are way more comfortable than regular jeans, but the seam between the denim and the soft belly band is going to take some getting used to. It's very low on my hips, so it kind of feels like my underwear is falling off, LOL. I still don't have a super noticeable bump yet, but I can definitely feel the difference in my clothes. 

In the meantime, I got a call back from the Sweethearts Wedding Chapel in Vegas yesterday afternoon, and was able to finalize reservations for our elopement ceremony. We had to do a lot of shuffling to find a date that would work - with an SCA event, Kaitlin's end-of-semester classes, Thanksgiving, Kaitlin's birthday, and Christmas all hitting so close together, and then a VERYIMPORTANTWORKMEETING that got scheduled for the one Friday we'd originally picked out (sigh) we finally had to go with December 11th. Which is okay, because we celebrate our anniversary in December anyway, so this is just moving it up a couple of weeks. It should be a relatively simple little ceremony, but we'll still get pictures and video and we're having Kaitlin's hair and makeup done and we bought cute new outfits and all in all it will be pretty darned fun. I got our plane tickets and hotel reserved too, so that's also crossed off the to-do list.

A little ironic, perhaps, that we'll be in Vegas getting married (with our little one finally on the way) almost exactly one year after our first trip to Greece. Last year on Christmas we were envisioning that we'd get to spend this Christmas with a new baby. Turns out we'll have a few more months to wait... but that's okay. At this point we're just so very grateful to have finally made it this far. <3

Here's BabyCenter's pic of baby at 13 weeks:

  

12WK6D - First Trimester Down, Two To Go

Well, this post's title is a wee bit premature, since technically the second trimester doesn't start until tomorrow when we hit 13 weeks. However, since today is the last day of the first trimester, it's a big milestone day for us - the day when we share the news with friends and family. <3

Sickness has been a little worse the last few days. The Diclegis still gets me through the first few hours of the morning, but I'm lucky if I make it til noon without starting to feel crummy, and last night it got really bad the hour or so before I went to bed. Today it started in at about 10 AM, which means tonight's probably not going to be much fun either. :/ Ah well. At least tonight is our VERY LAST HEPARIN SHOT. Not looking forward to it, but very much looking forward to not having to do it anymore from tonight on! Same thing for the meds - I'm finally down to one estrogen and one 100mg progesterone pill a day, and tonight is the last dose. Starting tomorrow it's just prenatals (and diclegis), and I'm pretty happy about that. It feels a little like we've at last graduated from delicate-medically-assisted-pregnancy to a self-sustaining, "normal" one.

In the meantime, Kaitlin scanned in our ultrasound from last week. Here's our little 12-week-gestation munchkin:

You can see the skull and jaw to the left, and the shadows of wiggly hands above the belly and one wiggly leg and foot. Also the little spine. Still waiting on the Harmony test results, kind of hoping they will come in today or tomorrow. I think if I haven't got the call by tomorrow I'll call them to check.

In the meantime, still a lot of things on my plate that need to be done, both at work and at home, but I'm feeling low-energy and seasick today. What I really want to do is go home for a half a day and sleep some more. :P Guess we'll see how the day plays out... the month of October's going to be crazy busy (performance eval time at work, and OMGSEWING every weekend) so I really hope the morning sickness finishes up shortly.

Welcome to October, little baby. Next year I promise you the coolest Halloween costume on the block. >D It will probably match the dog's.

TWELVE WEEKS

We've made it to twelve weeks, ya'all!!!! Just a few more days to go until we hit the end of the first trimester. On one hand it feels like it went by quickly, probably because I was so sick I didn't have much time to really think about anything else. On the other hand, it's felt like the sickness would NEVER END, so I'm really hopeful that soon we'll be moving into a much more fun stage of pregnancy.

Today is a really busy day. For the first time in weeks, I'm feeling better - an okay balance between being tired and queasy, something that's pretty manageable. So the plan is to start doing a couple of five-minute walks during the work day, and slowly increase that until I'm getting in a good half hour of activity daily. I am so horribly out of shape now that I get winded just walking from my car to my office, and it doesn't feel very good. I'm looking forward to getting back to a more fit and oxygen-efficient state, hehe.

I am going to spend my lunch break getting a hair cut, because my hair has been growing a lot faster in the past few weeks and I'm starting to look a wee bit That-70's-Show-ish.

Tasks on the list today include finding and sending an initial inquiry to a maternity photographer (done); printing the legal documents Kaitlin and I are going to have signed this weekend (done); sending an initial inquiry to the Vegas wedding chapel about our elopement ceremony (done); calling my bank to make a notary appointment for tomorrow, and calling the 4D ultrasound place here in town to buy a scan package and make our gender-determination-scan appointment. By the time we go in for the scan we should already have the Harmony results back, but it will still be fun to confirm via an actual peek at the goods!

Also, while the doctor yesterday confirmed I've only gained one pound so far, I definitely am in need of some maternity basics - namely a more comfortable bra and a pair of jeans I don't have to wear unbuttoned. That's also on the list for this weekend, along with a trip to the bank to take care of my name change, sell back our unused Euro, get our documents notarized and get some checks for Kaitlin for her account, and I really have to sit down and get some progress accomplished on the SCA sewing project.

In case you can't tell, my energy level today is so, so, SO much better than it has been in weeks and weeks, and it's a great feeling. Hoping this is a sign that either the Diclegis has finally hit its stride and/or the morning sickness is on its way out.

I'll have an updated baby bump pic to post tomorrow, but for now here's what BabyCenter says baby looks like today. We actually got to see those little skinny legs stretching, and one of those little precious hands, at the ultrasound yesterday <3

11WK6D - Ultrasound appointment

So tomorrow we will hit twelve weeks (yay, I really can't WAIT for this first trimester to be over) and we went in this morning for an ultrasound. Here's a super flattering picture of me watching baby dance all over the screen:

The bruises on my tummy are fading some, as we're only doing the shots every other night now - only one more week to go, and then NO MORE INJECTIONS!!!! So very excited for THAT. :P

Anyway, baby is doing great. Measuring 12WK3D - about 5.9cm - little overachiever! And he/she has two legs and two arms and an a-okay nuchal thickness (no Down's indicators that the tech could see.) Oh, and we saw at least one hand with a perfect little thumb and four fingers. Baby was wiggling and squirming so much that the ultrasound tech had a bit of a time trying to get good measurements, but we got a bunch of pics to take home that I'll post probably tomorrow, and a couple of videos of the wiggling. Behold:

They also drew blood for a cystic fibrosis and Harmony test. Apparently if we get both tests, insurance is more likely to cover them at no charge (??) So we opted for both, and I thanked the doctor for the anti-morning-sickness meds. In spite of how uncomfortable I've been the past few weeks, life with the meds is still decidedly better than without them. 

Sadly, it's looking like we are going to have to change doctors. :( My work's open enrollment for health  benefits is coming up next month, and I have to switch to a different network (one that's free for me, a spouse, AND a child) because my current network will be way too expensive to cover both Kaitlin and the baby. The new network, though, is completely exclusive - I cannot go to ANY doctor who is not in-network - and my OB-GYN is not in the network. So now I guess I have to find a new provider, and our next appointment will likely be with whoever that is, at 16 weeks. Sigh. 

I'm going to wait until after we get our Harmony test results back from this doctor, and I have to make sure to ask her to mail the results to me so that I can give them to the new doc... and then I'll have to start the process of calling around for a new OB. She said we should get the results in about a week, though, so I'm pretty excited about that... in a week, we'll know whether baby is a boy or girl (even if I'm not allowed to tell anybody).

Anyway, really happy to see that baby is doing well and scooting around happily in there... makes all the misery and exhaustion of the past few weeks worth it. One more week to go, and we'll be in the clear to tell friends & family about the coming addition to our little family!

Things are going to really start getting nutty in the next couple of months, with elopement preparations and baby preparations kicking into gear. Really hoping the morning sickness will go away soon so that I've got the energy to tackle it all :)

8WK4D - More spotting

I've been plugging through the morning sickness as best I can, though I've learned that I usually have 2-3 good hours in the morning after I wake up, and then feel really crappy around 11 AM - noon, and then a little bit better (but really wanting a nap) around 2 - 4, and then back to feeling increasingly crappy from about 5 PM until bedtime. Usually by the time I go to bed I am at my most miserable.

But yesterday, what started out as just the faintest tiniest itty bit of pink in the morning turned into an actual almost-light-blood-flow right when I got home from work, bright red. A couple hours later it had faded to dark brown spotting with small clots, which lessened until bedtime. Spotting is still there this morning, less in quantity and still brown.

I still feel in my gut like everything is okay with the baby - but spotting is nervewracking regardless. I did take an extra 100 mg of progesterone last night, as I suspect the reduction in meds may have brought it on. I'll do another extra 100mg tonight, and if the spotting goes away, I'll try going back to the doctor-ordered dose of 600 total. I'm supposed to reduce again this coming weekend, but I'm thinking about going to 500 for a week instead of all the way to 400, to try and lessen the shock on my body. I have to count up the number of pills I have left, though... need to make sure I'd have enough to pull it off. But I figure first order of business is keeping baby in there. Second order of business would be figuring out how to get my hands on more progesterone if I run out. Surely my OBGYN would prescribe some if I really needed it??

Our first OBGYN appointment is on Thursday, so just a couple more days away. Really looking forward to checking up on our little shrimp and hopefully getting some reassurance that things are okay.

I've actually been feeling so tired and ucky lately that the idea of being pregnant seems more distant right now... more surreal... than it did a couple of weeks ago. I kind of feel like I don't have the energy to be as excited about it as I want to be. And work is going to be crazy in September - we're preparing over 3000 files to go from our current paper world to a digital, e-file world - and I barely have time to think when I'm trying to balance feeling sick and miserable at work with keeping up with everything I need to AND trying to make sure I don't let on to any of my staff yet that I'm pregnant.

It's a lot to process, I guess, so I'm just plodding through one day at a time, milking the feeling-ok hours as much as I can and trying to stay low-key and unstressed. I'm really grateful at this point that I don't have vomiting in the equation. While the nausea is not fun, I can't imagine how I'd be able to do this if I were vomiting AND trying to manage work at once.

I did manage to get the patterning I had planned done over the weekend, though it was probably only about 3 hours of work. I have a 3-day weekend coming up, and have to be able to spend at least half a day every day on the sewing part of the project if I'm going to be able to stay on track... Here's hoping I have good mornings with enough energy to pull it off.

7WK3D – 2nd Ultrasound!

I spent most of the weekend feeling ucky and exhausted, lying on the couch. Did manage to go to the grocery store with Kaitlin, although we had to stop a couple of times so I could sit and rest and get my tummy back under control… and then I went and sat at the front of the store while she checked out because I couldn’t stand up in the line for that long. I also managed to spend just a few minutes on Sunday afternoon patterning the foresleeves for the SCA project dress. They really didn’t take that long, maybe 15 minutes, yet I felt so exhausted afterward it was like I’d spent a day doing yard work. X.x

Mostly I’ve been grumpy and mildly sick to my stomach and really tired. The fact that I can’t seem to get up to do anything without feeling winded and dizzy and sick is also very annoying, and adding to my overall grumpiness. And, I’m experiencing some mild acid reflux when I drink more than just a swallow or two of water at a time.  Boobs are more sore in the last couple of days. No vomiting yet, for which I am (mostly) grateful, though the reflux stuff makes it feel like things are going to come back up and that’s less than fun.

But, BUT… we had our second ultrasound this morning. Kaitlin couldn’t come to this one, because today’s her first day of work at a new job and she couldn’t miss it. So I went in there alone, still a little nervous that it would turn out to be too good to be true after all… but all is perfectly well. Baby Shrimp is measuring 12.5mm today, which is actually a couple days ahead, with a heartbeat of 153 bpm. He/She actually looks more like a seahorse now than a shrimp, I think. I got to take a good video of the heartbeat this time, and get another picture, but won’t be able to put those up until after I get home tonight… so for now there’s only this clip from the ultrasound tech’s report to share:

So happy and grateful that everything is going okay.  However, the novelty of morning sickness has officially worn off after a week, and I’m guessing there are weeks more to go before it goes away. Trying to enjoy it, for what it’s worth, as a part of this experience that I’m only going to get to do once in my life. Still waiting eagerly for my Amazon package to come in… hope it gets here before Friday, because that’s when we take our first 8-week baby bump picture!

Also, it’s time to go on the hunt for some tall-maternity-work-trousers, because right  now I have only one pair of stretchy pants that I can wear to work without worrying that the waist is crushing my little baby. Yes, I realize baby is probably just fine even if I wear tight pants… but I just feel better not having to think about it. And loose ones help with the nausea too.

Goals for this week include finding/ordering at least one pair of maternity pants, and picking out and ordering our elopement dresses from Aliexpress so we can be sure they arrive on time. Also this weekend I have to pattern the bodice of the SCA project dress, ask Kaitlin to mow the lawn and whack weeds, and then ask her to start working on the vector art for the nursery character decals. I am so excited about our nursery concept, guys…. It will be a lot of work but it’s going to look so SO awesome.

Okay, now to down a few more saltines and try to make it through the rest of the work day…

SEVEN WEEKS

So we hit seven weeks today! The blueberry milestone - so exciting to finally make it past the sweet-pea stage since we didn't get this far with our first.

I haven't blogged much in the last couple days, mostly because I've been feeling crappy (yay!!).  Wednesday was the worst so far, I think because I hadn't slept well for a couple of days, so it aggravated the nausea in a major way. My morning sickness, so far, appears to be of the feeling-moderately-sick-to-my-stomach-all-day-long type. It's worse if I don't eat often enough, OR if I eat too much, OR if I move around a lot, OR if I sit still too much.  X.x So I keep trying to find this golden balance of eating just the right amount, just often enough, and moving around just the right amount, but not too much. I've also noticed it's worse when I'm tired, and much, MUCH better when I've slept well the night before. 

No vomiting yet, though there have been several times when I've wished I could. :P

Still the usual sore boobs, and a lot of fatigue the past couple days - I've actually slept really well the last two nights in a row and still wake up feeling sleepy and wanting to go back to bed. Looking forward to the weekend so that I can get some more sleep, though I absolutely must start working on the SCA project or I'll never have it done in time for the November deadline. 

We go in for another ultrasound on Monday morning, and then we have an appointment with the OBGYN for an ultrasound at 8WK6D (so almost nine weeks). Not sure where we'll go from there, exactly, but I'm trying to make a list of questions for the OBGYN now, because I know I won't remember half of them once I'm on the spot. So far what I've come up with:

1. Can we qualify for a free-cell DNA test and/or any other types of genetic screening? (They test for a lot of different things, but also gender. Since we have so little info on either of the donors, I'm hoping our OB will order some so that my insurance will cover it...)

2. Can I keep taking Ambien on occasion for my insomnia? (I usually take 2.5 - 5mg, which is a quarter or a half of a pill, on nights when nothing else is working. The internet says doctors often prescribe it for pregnant women, but I'd like to just make sure.)

3. Can she recommend or connect us with a lactation consultant? Not just for me, but also for Kaitlin, as Kaitlin would really like to try and induce lactation so she can breastfeed too.

4. Is it safe for me to start doing some mild exercise, like walking? Is it safe to color my hair?

5. Can she recommend or connect us with prenatal classes?

6. What options do we have for our birth plan? Who do we call/what do we do when labor starts? (I am a total newbie at this, I know pretty much NOTHING!)

7. When should I call her office? (What symptoms, conditions, questions, etc. warrant a call?)

8.  How many checkups does she do, and when? How many ultrasounds? 

9. How can I best avoid/manage PPD, if it becomes necessary?

10. What is my risk for gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, etc? Can I get my flu shot with her office this winter?

11. Should I be working with a perinatologist? One of the awesome ladies on the NW forums suggested it, but I'm not sure how to go about finding one...

I'm sure I'll have more by the time we get there, but I think these cover the biggest ones. Kaitlin and I made a pact that we will find out the baby's gender together early, but we won't tell anybody until January-ish when we throw a baby shower. If we can find out the gender from one of the early tests, that would be awesome - if not, I think we're going to go to one of the little boutique-y 4D ultrasound places here in Denver around 16 weeks so we can get a fancy ultrasound AND an early peek at the goods. Actually, I think we're going to do the 4D ultrasound regardless because it sounds like so much fun. This is going to be my only pregnancy, so I kind of don't want to miss out on a single fun thing about it if I can. :)  

I also realize this is still kind of premature, since we're only 7 weeks in. But we ARE halfway through the first trimester at this point, so it's really hard to be cautious with my excitement.

So here's what babycenter says baby looks like at seven weeks: 

Still pretty shrimp-like, yeah? Looks like the yolk sac is shrinking down too.  Oh, and my poor tummy is really starting to reflect the abuse of night after night of heparin shots. :( Just take a look:

It's actually bruised enough that just wearing my jeans buttoned up today feels sore. O.o And sadly I think we have another six weeks to go of the darned things before we can stop doing them. I just keep gritting my teeth and reminding myself of that itty bitty little heartbeat, which needs these shots in order to keep growing strong. <3

Three more days until our next ultrasound. There hasn't been any bleeding or anything since the one on Monday, which is a huge relief, but somehow I still feel a little nervous. I guess part of me feels like this is too good to be true, and surely at some point someone's going to snatch it away from me again. Really looking forward to another glimpse in there, hoping we'll see baby getting bigger just like they're supposed to, with a heartbeat increasing just like it's supposed to, and we get to keep dreaming...

6WK4D - Relief

Kaitlin scanned the picture of our little embryo ultrasound for me last night, so I can finally post it. The pic shows the whole gestational sac (the teardrop shaped dark space) with the yolk sac (the round white outline) and the fetal pole (the sort of vertical white mass on the left of the yolk sac). Right now it's so early that the yolk sac is sustaining the baby... in fact, my pregnancy book entry for yesterday informed us that the baby's future sperm or eggs will actually be formed in the yolk sac and pass to the baby's body a little later - so weird! Anyway, eventually the yolk sac and gestational sac end up turning into the placenta as the little shrimp grows bigger.

Here's what BabyCenter says a six-week embryo looks like. See what I mean about being a little shrimp?

Maybe it’s just the high after getting to see that tiny heartbeat yesterday, but I kind of feel like all that anxiety and worry I was dealing with has melted away. I feel calm and certain that things are going to be okay. I know there’s still risk and that it’s still very early, but somehow I just feel a million times better.

Yetserday was the first day of truly serious nausea. I’d say on a scale of 1-10, about a 5… but it was persistent and would NOT go away for pretty much the entire day. I finished my entire stash of Saltines at work, and had a huge craving for red meat by the time I got home (I usually don’t like red meat very much) so we went out for a celebratory dinner and I had steak.  Thankfully the nausea wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t keep food down (it has to be really, really bad, because my stomach is stubborn about holding on to its contents) but the driving and walking and such really were not fun. Also, the smell of my dog’s litter box and the cats’ litter boxes was driving me nuts last night.

This morning, I bought a decaf coffee and a chocolate muffin at the little cafeteria at work… but the muffin tastes fishy. Like, literally, it tastes like fish. I’m hungry so I’m trying to eat small bits at least, but I don’t think I’m going to get through much of it because chocolate fish tasting muffin is so not delicious. I have no idea if this is because of the pregnancy, or because the café downstairs isn’t the classiest of joints.  SIGH. I’ll need to spend my lunch break at the store getting more work groceries. So far it appears that what my body wants is red meat and greens. Lots and lots of greens. I actually sat on the couch the other night just stuffing salad leaves straight from the bag into my face. O.o At least it’s healthy, I guess??

Let’s see, what else… my lower back was aching last night after we took a shower. Still having some blood pressure issues, but they weren’t as bad yesterday because the weather was cooler.  Boobs still sore, still getting up in the middle of the night to pee.  Super tired today, but that’s mostly because I didn’t sleep well last night (Kaitlin kept tossing and turning, which kept me from being able to sleep, which is probably also the reason why I feel irritable this morning…)

My name’s been changed at work, and in our state systems now, so there’s really only a few things left to update – bank accounts, the house title, my passport, and various other bits. I’ll need to order more work business cards and have them redo the sign outside my office. But otherwise I am well on the way to starting a whole different kind of life. Kaitlin and I are starting to talk about our Vegas elopement, too, which looks like it will probably be November-ish.

It’s shaping up to be a very busy next few months, with an SCA project I’ve been asked to complete by mid-November and Kaitlin switching to a new teaching position and a ton of other projects, big and small, that are going to need attention. But it’s exciting, too, because now that our little one is really and truly in existence and on the way, life is going to start snowballing forward over the next few months. So excited!

Kaitlin shared this hilarious little video with me on Facebook yesterday and I thought other pregnant cat-lovers out there would appreciate it:

SIX WEEKS

We made it to six weeks, and now there's no spotting at all. Feeling pretty good today - cheerful and happy, maybe a little tired and was a little bit nauseous in the car on the way to work, but otherwise, doing well. I also think I'm in a good mood simply because we hit six weeks today - only three more days to go until an ultrasound! While I'm excited we've reached the "sweet pea" stage, I think what's really going to be exciting is getting to the "blueberry" stage next week... we didn't get that far last time, so I think this will really start feeling more stable at that point. 

I also love that all our weekly milestones are going to fall on Fridays. It's just a really nice way to start a Friday, thinking about how we've made it through one more week! Our little shrimp should have a heartbeat now, though it may not be detectable for a while longer - I'm hoping that on Monday we'll get to see it.<3 

I'm going to rest this weekend as much as possible, though I will try to squeeze in getting an overdue oil change done on my car. Kaitlin's going to be off at an SCA event so it will be just me, my little dog, and a whole Hulu account filled with Korean drama - yay!

Happy Friday, everybody :)

5WK6D – Still Hanging In There

So the spotting was almost gone yesterday morning, and I haven’t had any today. Four more days to go until the ultrasound! I swear this has been the longest week of my entire life, and I really, really can’t wait to get a glimpse of what’s actually happening inside.

Yesterday I was hit with strong fatigue, just a tiny bit of nausea. So far today, though, my energy levels have been pretty good, moodiness is gone – feeling much more upbeat and optimistic. It could have something to do with my dreams last night, in which we brought home a baby boy and I was learning to diaper him for the first time (and he projectile-pooped across the room into a bookcase, which Kaitlin thought was horrible and I thought was hilarious.) It was a pretty vivid and very nice dream, and I guess I woke up feeling certain that this baby’s going to be joining our family.

I am still having major blood pressure issues, especially at home where we don’t have air conditioning, and especially when I stand up fast or remain standing for more than about a minute while I’m trying to clean the kitchen or wipe counters or whatever. I get dizzy, have tunnel vision and my ears start ringing. Luckily I’ve passed out enough times from my low blood pressure issues that I know what it feels like and what the threshold is, so I basically just stop and bend over or sit down when it’s getting to the I’m-going-to-keel-over phase.

I realized last night that if we hadn’t lost our baby in January, I’d be around eight months pregnant now. I imagine the blood pressure issues would probably be one heck of a lot worse if I were hugely pregnant during the hottest part of the year. Mind you, I am still really sad that we didn’t get to keep our January baby. But… I guess there’s a silver lining to every cloud, yeah?

I took my third “extra” dose of progesterone last night. Since the spotting appears to be clearing up, I’m going to go back to my regular dosage today and keep fingers crossed. Still planning on spending the weekend mostly loafing, though I might dare a little bit of sweeping or kitchen cleaning if I have the energy… we’ll see.

I am getting increasingly certain that I am starting a baby bump already. I’ve apparently gained around a pound or so in the last couple of weeks, and it seems like things are rearranging themselves into my belly – it hangs lower and folds down over my pubic bone in a way that it never did before, and it just feels bloatier and more sticking-out-there. I haven’t been eating more than usual… if anything I’ve actually been eating healthier. But I have spent weeks avoiding  any sort of meaningful physical activity, so I wonder if that has something to do with it? I also haven’t been using my abs to walk, sit up straight, and so on like I usually do. But I googled it and there are a lot of ladies with pictures of 6-week baby bumps, so I am going to assume that’s what it is. I guess I’ll just have to get over it, since it will be getting a lot “worse” before it gets better. :P But it does make me determined to start exercising as soon as it’s safe, and to come up with a good plan to get my body back into nice condition after baby arrives – I already can’t wear my usual pants to work, they’re too tight and uncomfortable!

Four more days and counting…

FIVE WEEKS - Spotting

Okay, we've made it to five weeks. But today - spotting. :/ I was doing just fine until that showed up, and now my little lizard brain is terrified. Even though I realize spotting can be entirely normal and mean nothing at this stage. I know that. But I was wishing so, so much that there wouldn't be any this time around. 

Our ultrasound appointments for the 17th and 24th have been set. I feel really lucky that, while this TWW for the first one feels really long, I actually get to have two (possibly three) ultrasounds a week apart, to check on progress. After the first one, I'll be making an appointment with my OB/GYN for the week-8 ultrasound. So I'll get one week 6, week 7, AND week 8.

Hoping very very much for good news. But still have to make it through one more week (and three days) before we get to the first one. I really need this spotting to go away. Or stay at just spotting and definitely NOT turn into bleeding. 

The last couple days have been relatively symptom free. Maybe a little bit of fatigue, but not much nausea, not much moodiness. Very sore boobs, though. :P

Kaitlin's going through a rough time at work right now, so I'm really hoping things with the pregnancy remain stable so that she doesn't have that to worry about. I'm lucky that for the moment, my work situation seems to be going actually very well. I'm able to stay relatively low-key and unstressed, which has been pretty fantastic. I reassured her this morning that I really feel like this is the one. We've got a sticky bean. I really am feeling like that's true, but oh... spotting, please go away. Please please??

Anyway, in non-TTC related stuff, my little dog had to go to the vet yesterday with squinty, red eyes. Turns out the vet thinks she has allergies, so now we have her on eyedrops and an anti-inflammatory and baby benadryl (which she eats when it's mixed into peanut butter, hehehe. Bubblegum-flavor meds + peanut butter sounds awful to me, but she really likes it...) She does have to stay inside for the next few days, though, so we had to close up the dog/cat door to the backyard. All our pets now think we are just the meanest mommies ever, poor things. Hopefully it won't be for long.

In the meantime, I found this hilarious pregnancy announcement video that I thought I'd share... still trying to keep thinking positive...

4WK5D - Second Beta, Symptoms, the Second TWW

So first off, here's the results of our second beta, which I got Monday afternoon:

569! Which is nearly double, at exactly 48 hours after the first one. So far, so good, yeah?

I got hit with a heavy dose of moodiness yesterday - moodiness to the point where I was so generally angry and disenchanted with my life that even the knowledge that I'm pregnant didn't make me feel better. :/ I just kept telling myself it was the hormones, and I know that's true - it also possibly comes from the fact that I've spent nearly every waking moment for the past year and a half focused on getting pregnant. Every penny I've earned, every meal I ate, every activity I did (or didn't do), it was all centered around how I felt about our TTC journey at that moment.

So now we have a second pink line, and positive betas, and a second TWW until we get an ultrasound and find out anything more... and other than taking my meds on time, there's sort of a sense of "Now what?" Not that I haven't LONGED to be able to move on to the now-what that comes after getting pregnant... it's just that I guess, in a sense, I am tired. Really tired. And while I want to launch into allllll the stuff that's been postponed - like our elopement, and starting on the nursery, and maybe even rejoining the "real" world by showing up to social things a wee bit more often - I'm currently kind of feeling stubbornly lazy. I kind of just want to curl up around this tiny flame I've at last managed to get started, and nap with it until it gets bigger, and not bother about any of the rest of it.

Of course, that's not entirely possible because I still have to do grown up things like go to work, and feed the dog, and put the dishes in the dishwasher, and fold laundry.  It's also starting to get a wee bit intimidating to think about how I'm going to manage to fit the care of a baby in with all of that. I know it will pretty much work itself out - necessity is the mother of invention, yeah? But as I was sitting on my couch for a few minutes this morning, waiting for my little dog to wake up in her crate and sort of waiting for myself to wake up a bit too before making my (decaf) morning coffee, I was thinking about how, once there's a baby in the house, I will probably not have minutes of silence in the morning to just sit and stare off blankly. And once said baby is a toddler - I'll probably not have minutes of silence EVER. :P

In addition to all of that, because of January's miscarriage I am far too aware of the fact that we are still a long way from the finish line. Just getting a positive beta doesn't mean I'm going to walk away with a baby in nine months. Up until I'd miscarried, I guess I kind of took for granted that two pink lines  =  baby. Miscarriage was something that happened to other people, unfortunate people. Well, I'm an other, unfortunate people now. And I will tell you, I have a whole new respect for the level of anger, sadness, frustration and jealousy that comes to folks who didn't get to walk away with their baby after that first positive test. I have to be careful, too, because I find myself wearing that disappointment like a badge of honor, like "oh, you were lucky enough to get to keep your baby on the first try? How nice for you. But since you didn't have to suffer like I did, you can't possibly love your child as much as I'm going to love mine." Which is, of course, horribly arrogant and assholey of me, and I have to keep checking my attitude. I wouldn't actually wish what I've been through on anybody. And just because we had to fight so hard doesn't in any way make our love for our kiddo superior to anybody else's love for theirs.

At the same time, I do think it makes it special, and unique. Our kiddo's going to know, from the time that they're itty bitty, just how much they were loved and wanted, and just how far we went (literally) in order to be able to have them in our family. That doesn't make their story any better or worse than anybody else's, but I hope it gives them a sense of self-worth and confidence.

Anyway, aside from the kind of extreme moodiness of yesterday, I had some nausea this morning (I'd say about a 4-5 on the scale of 1-10) while I was driving to work. Wasn't fun, but wasn't bad enough that I'd have had to pull over, either. It was mostly gone by the time I got here. I've since put some food in my stomach and I think that's going to help. But I am going to need to stash a thing of Saltines in my car, I think, for future morning commutes.

Friday will mark five weeks. It was also exactly at five weeks that I started bleeding last time, so I'm kind of anxious for Friday to get here so that I can prove to myself it's not going to happen this time. This weekend is Kaitlin's un-birthday (her real birthday is in December and gets lost between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so we celebrate on August 8th instead.) I know she wants to go to the Melting Pot for dinner, but we don't have solid plans for the day - we're really low on money and I can't go anywhere that there's a lot of walking, trying to keep that to small short bursts throughout the day until we see a heartbeat. So I'm not sure what we'll end up doing.

Right now, though, I really would like to just go home and nap and cuddle my puppy and watch Korean drama and surf the internet.

Instead, I will be a grownup and get through these files on my desk. :P

4WK3D – First Beta is In, Second is Pending Today…

So this weekend was spent mostly taking care of small chores – getting a part fixed for our lawnmower, doing some laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, getting groceries, returning a Comcast modem, etc.

Oh, and getting blood drawn early on Saturday for our first beta. I had to wait until Sunday morning to get the results, but they’re in, and they’re 287!!  YEAH!!

Nice good solid number. It’s higher than my first beta last time, but still not astronomically high. So it could be multiples, or it could be a singleton… that part’s still a mystery.

I stopped off at the doctor’s office before coming into work this morning for a second blood draw. Today is one of those moment-of-truth days, hoping that the results show a strong rise in the numbers. Doubling would be even better. I should get the results later this afternoon, after 3 PM.

Assuming they come back good and strong, I will then have a six-week ultrasound on 8/17, and a seven week ultrasound on 9/24. Technically these will be 6WK3D and 7WK3D, but that’s okay… the later they are the more likelihood we might get to see a heartbeat on the first try.

With our miscarriage, I first started bleeding at exactly 5 weeks. So I think this week and next are going to be pretty anxious, but I’m hoping they’ll pass quickly with NO BLOOD OR SPOTTING. Also a bit anxious to find out how many took. My Greek coordinator is going on leave this Friday, and won't be back until September 7th (apparently she's getting married :) ) It's a wee bit nervewracking, because if something doesn't go right I don't know if I can get ahold of her. But here's hoping that everything's just going to go well and it won't matter. She's already given me a medication schedule - I start reducing my meds effective 8/29, and cut back slowly until we're ready to stop them altogether - so I just have to follow the schedule and have the scans, and she said my OB would be the one to schedule future scans after the 7 week one. Wonder if that means I can have one at 8 weeks too? :3

In the meantime, I seem to have pregnancy symptoms that come and go. The most common are fatigue  - I run out of energy really quickly, and nausea, which hasn’t yet come back as bad as it was on Thursday last week (thank goodness) but still sort of comes and goes, usually when I get hungry. Also, last night I maybe kind of burst into tears and yelled at Kaitlin for eating two cupcakes that I’d thought were mine. Like seriously, I felt so hurt and disappointed that my cupcakes were gone that it was PERSONAL DEVASTATION AND BETRAYAL!!!!! She promised to buy me more today. :P

I have a lot more little test sticks to take pictures of, too, I just haven’t gotten around to that part yet, but the lines over the weekend were really dark, almost dark-as-the-test-line dark, which is reassuring. I still have a ton of tests so I’m going to keep indulging in my need to POAS while I’m waiting for the second beta and first ultrasound.

We’re waiting to see the heartbeat before we start making any kind of future plans. And waiting until end of the first trimester, probably, before we start really working on any of them. But I have a good feeling about this one, so it’s hard not to start the daydreaming early…

Fingers crossed for a great result this afternoon <3

IVF#3 11DP3DT – FOUR WEEKS

I’m waiting for the positive beta before I start tracking according to weeks of pregnancy, but I got a really dark line yesterday afternoon at work, and  two more this morning, so it’s worth noting that as of today, beta or not, I am 100% positive that I am four weeks pregnant.  (Well, the embryos are only two weeks old, but the way those silly doctors count pregnancy back to supposed first day of last period…)

As if that weren’t enough, I spent most of the day yesterday feeling exhausted, even after an amazing night’s sleep… and last night after dinner I had to lie down and stay down the rest of the night, because I was so nauseous. Didn’t throw up (I have to be really, really sick for that) but on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is normal non-nausea and 10 is puking my guts out, I’d say we were at a 7-8. Ugh. Ate saltines, drank water and managed to keep my medication in my tummy where it belongs, but it made for a crummy night’s sleep.

Still tired this morning, though not as dizzy and woozy as yesterday, so here’s hoping maybe today will be better. Still sitting here crunching saltines, though (which are slightly banana flavored, haha, since they’ve been hanging out in my office drawer with my fruit.) I think that saltines are about to become my new best friend, if this keeps up.

Oh, the irony. Just a couple days ago I was oh-so-worried about feeling too awesome, and now apparently I have nausea/fatigue before we’ve even had a positive beta. Pfft.  Be careful what you wish for??

Though I keep peeing on sticks and keep seeing that second line, it still feels a little surreal to think “I’m pregnant.” After eighteen months of trying, 4 ICIs, 6 IUIs, more pills, injections, and ultrasounds than I can even count,  three trips to Greece, four different sperm donors, three different egg donors, nine embryos transferred, forty thousand dollars spent and one miscarriage – I guess it’s just a little hard to wrap my brain around the fact that we’ve finally received what we’ve been begging the universe for all this time. I’m proud of us, for not giving up. I’m grateful – SO grateful – for the wise financial choices I made years ago in buying a house that I could then borrow against for all of this, and for sticking with my job through a couple really harrowing years such that I now have an income that allows us to feasibly manage TTC debt. But more than anything else, I am so, so grateful to see that second pink line.

I suppose I ought to be more nervous about another miscarriage, but somehow I’m not. Somehow, it feels way down deep in my gut that we’re taking a baby home this time for sure.  I have this sense of peace about it, and it’s funny – even all the little doubts and fears that enter my head can’t actually unseat the certainty that it’s going to turn out okay. So I’m holding on to that, because I think the baby(ies) are trying to tell me they’re sticking around.

Beta blood draw at 8 AM tomorrow. I am guessing we’ll end up with a second one on Monday. Then we get to find out what date we get to have an ultrasound. Hoping for six weeks…

Looking forward to the weekend, though, hopefully accomplishing a few small things and getting to mostly loaf. I’m not doing any more major cleaning projects until we see heartbeats. And even then, I may hold off on doing much until we’re through the first trimester and things are looking okay.

In the meantime, guess I will just have to start googling cute baby clothes and more nursery ideas :P

IVF#3 10DP3DT – Pregnancy symptoms are like a box of chocolates…

Or else it’s all in my head, which is possible. But did you know that both constipation AND diarrhea are pregnancy symptoms? Yay! And they’re made even MORE fun when you’re taking a boatload of progesterone pills in addition to whatever the little bean is cooking up in there. Oh yes.

I am curious whether women taking progesterone supplements, especially seriously heavy ones (I’m on 800 mg a day) generally experience pregnancy symptoms a lot earlier than non-supplemented pregnancies. I’ve always heard that morning sickness and all the “real” stuff starts kicking in around weeks 6-8. But I am having days where I feel awesome, and then days (and evenings) where I am ucky, and we haven’t even had a beta yet. Last night I was fine until I ate dinner (which consisted of salmon, corn, and zucchini) and for the rest of the night had all kinds of fun tummy issues that were still there when I got up this morning.

Oh, and a blood pressure drop, too, that had me really dizzy and short of breath in the shower. I have poor circulation and low blood pressure anyway, so when all my blood is hanging out in my stomach/uterus area, I get light-headed and woozy – especially in the summer, and especially in the shower where it’s hot and humid. So that was also fun.

So either I had a bad piece of salmon, or my body is playing all kinds of fun tricks on me as it tries to metabolize the crazy amounts of hormones I am stuffing into it all day long.

Guess all I can really do is keep drinking water. Especially if I’m going to be having blood pressure drops like that, sheesh. But even with all the water I’m drinking, either my bladder is getting bigger, or I’m just getting used to all the trips to the bathroom, because it doesn’t *seem* like I’m peeing as frequently as I was three or four days ago. Hmm.

Tested again this morning, still positive, so I’m feeling a lot more confident at this point – even if the line doesn’t seem to be getting much darker, it’s showing up nice and clear. Emailed my Greek doctor’s letter to my RE in preparation for the beta on Saturday morning.  Really interested in what the numbers will be. REALLY interested in what the first ultrasound is going to look like, though I know I’ll have to wait another couple weeks after the betas to find out.

Until then, trying to concentrate on eating good food and drinking enough water to sink a small boat. :P But I was looking up pregnancy diets last night, and holy cow, right now I just can’t imagine eating that much food. Like six times a day, SO MUCH FOOD. I really hope that I just develop an appetite for it when the time is right, because at the moment it’s hard to comprehend how I’ll fit all that eating into my day.

Also, I found this super cute video on Facebook that I wanted to share, because it’s awesome and cute and a little tearjerking and that little boy at the end is the very best part!

IVF#3 9DP3DT - So Far So Good

Yesterday I spent a lot of time with anxiety that maybe the BFP was fading. I felt GREAT yesterday... better than I have since we started this round of meds... and was worried maybe that meant that the BFP was going away.

But last night's tests, though maybe not darker than the day before, were still solidly positive. (PS, I discovered that the reason my boobs weren't hurting is because apparently my Victoria's Secret bra is magical. The minute I took it off last night to shower, boobs = ow. Put it back on this morning, and no pain! Well done, VS! I will be wearing this sucker for as long as possible while I'm pregnant.)

And this morning, even though I got to sleep through the night and didn't have to get up for the bathroom until 5:30 AM (wow!), I used both a FRER and Wondfo and both were still solid, clear positives.

So came to work, kept drinking my water, and got another faint positive on a Wondfo. (Yes, I realize this is an awful lot of peeing on sticks. Pffft, I say. I need lots of reassurance & this is how I get it :P ) Still feeling better than I think I ought to feel as a newly-pregnant lady on a ton of meds, but I wonder if maybe that's because embryos are sucking up the hormones so I'm not getting the side effects - unlike round #2 when I had every possible pregnancy side effect but no baby in there.

My beta appointment is at 8 AM on Saturday, so I just have to email the Greek doctor's orders over to the RE today or tomorrow. Pretty sure at this point it's going to be positive, the question is just *how* positive... and whether it doubles. Sounds like beta #2 will then be on Monday, so I guess we'll see.

Then another TWW, most likely, before we can have an ultrasound. I don't think I'll really be able to escape the anxiety until we get to the point where there is/are heartbeat(s) on the screen. Even so, I don't think I'll be able to hold myself back from excitement and planning and all of that until the ultrasound. We've been waiting so long for this... so long, to feel like life is really moving forward and we're really going to be able to get off the TTC-train at last and take the next step into pregnancy and parenthood... and it's kind of not possible to already start getting excited about doing all the things we've wanted to do for ages that we keep setting aside for "when we're not TTC-ing anymore." A lot of that is money-related - I have wanted to put a real floor in our basement for years, but couldn't afford it. We've wanted to elope (likely to Vegas, because if you're going to elope you should do it right), but couldn't afford it. And, of course, there's the nursery, and all the millions of daydreams about the wall mural and sewing little blankets and curtains and cushions that go with the theme, and acquiring all the furniture and setting it up to be our baby(ies)'s room... and some of the less romantical things about it, like bringing in an electrician to wire up ceiling boxes for overhead fans (why oh why did the house builders think that having no overhead lighting in bedrooms was a good idea???) and starting to think about remodeling the upstairs bath which will end up being the kiddo bathroom and... and... and...

You see what I mean. It's like life has been on hold for ages while we poured everything we had into this. And truthfully, we won't be able to do a lot of things right away anyway, because we've got to make a nice big dent in the debts accrued while TTC. But I'll admit, I'm already kinda sorta researching Montessori schools (there's one near our house that takes kids as young as 12 months) and daydreaming.

Cart miles before the horse. I know. But when you've dreamed of things for so long, even started to wonder if you'd never actually get there, it's hard not to get crazy excited.

And being excited and daydreaming is loads more fun than angsting over whether my pregnancy test line is getting darker and WHY IS IT NOT DARKER YET. :P Also, it's really only the equivalent of 12DPO. I should be grateful there's even a second line at all, not to mention how solid and clear it is.

So daydreaming it is. Right after I finish working on this pile of files on my desk!

IVF#3 8DP3DT - Always Something to Worry About!

So last night I took a FRER, and this morning I took a digital, and here you go:

(also a better pic of yesterday afternoon's stick)

So it's definitely BFP. Of course, now begins the contemplation of whether it's multiples, and if so, how many.

If that weren't enough, this morning I woke up with the heavy-tummy feeling completely gone, plenty of energy, no nausea, no moodiness, boob soreness gone and it doesn't seem like I have to pee. So now, even though I'm staring at the pic of the digital that says PREGNANT, I am second-guessing whether it's going to end up a chemical. And trying really hard to redirect those thoughts to "this is going to work, it HAS worked, we're taking a baby home this time." But ooooh, it feels like each little triumph is such a double-edged sword, because the stakes get higher.

And I guess it's always going to feel that way. After a positive beta, "will it double?" After a doubling beta, "will the ultrasound be ok? Will there be heartbeats? How many?" After a successful ultrasound, "will the next one be ok? and the next? Will I make it through the first trimester?" I think it's just never going to end. The uncertainty of TTC just turns into the uncertainty of pregnancy, so all this positive-thinking discipline I've been working on is far from over.

In the meantime, I am pretty far behind at work and have a bunch of meetings today. This week will likely be spent playing catch-up from the week I was out, before I can get to the new project my boss has assigned.

But, I did get an email back from the Greek clinic today, with the letter for my RE here ordering the beta test. So after my morning meetings I'm going to call to set the appointment for the blood draw.

She also sent me the egg donor's profile, so now I have information on both of them.

Egg Donor: 25 years old, white skin, brown hair, brown eyes, Type A-, 167 cm tall (about 5'6"), 50 kg (about 110 lbs), a dental assistant.

Sperm Donor: From Cryos International Sperm Bank, Donor #6567. Danish, blue/gray eyes, brown hair, 6 feet tall, 192 lbs, Type O+ (same as me!), an "interactive digital media" student.

That's all the info available for each of them, as they're both anonymous. But it's enough, I think - looks like we're likely to have a brown haired kiddo! Trying to focus on the positive possibilities rather than the not so positive ones at the moment. Hey, we've made it all the way to a second pink line. That's huge! So we just have to make it to beta now. This is going to be the one, right? <3

IVF#3 7DP3DT - WE DID IT!!

Took another test this morning, line still squinty but more there than ever before. Certain enough, at this point, that I marked it a a BFP on my little list.

Got to work, and took another one. And there's no longer any doubt in my mind at all. The pic's not cooperating with my phone, so I may have to wait a bit to post it, but trust me... no longer a chance that it's an evap.

This is the real deal, folks. EDIT: Here's the pic. It's darker in RL, but I couldn't get my camera to pick it up well...

I am pregnant again. And with a nice early result, so here's hoping this one is sticky.

There are a million things I need to get done now, a ton of stuff on my plate, but I'm at least going to take today to enjoy that second pink line and watch it get darker. I can't wait for our beta! I just have this feeling that we're really going to take a baby home this time.

So on my lunch break I have to run to Walmart and get groceries for nice pregnant-lady lunches for the rest of the week... and while I'm at it I'll pick up some FRERs and digitals. Gonna entertain myself with peeing on sticks for the rest of the week until beta day. YAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

Just stick, baby(ies), stick....

Due date is April 8th (if it's a singleton.)

IVF#3 6DP3DT - BFP or Evaps??

Started testing yesterday, and used up my last two pink Wondfo tests. Both BFN, of course... Yesterday would have been the equivalent of 8DPO. But then, at around 7Pm I used the first of my new batch of Wondfos, which are blue, and got a squinter.

Was so excited I couldn't sleep very well, waiting to get up and test again. And again this morning, a squinter. Tested four times today, and all of them have faint second lines, and I even had Kaitlin look at them and she thinks they're gradually getting darker too. Today is the equivalent of 9DPO.

But, I googled these blue tests and it would seem they are knock offs, not real Wondfos... And I found several complaints about them giving  evaps/false positives. So all I can really do is keep testing (I have 50 tests, so I can pretty much do it as much as I want) and see if the line gets any darker. Right now it's so faint it could be an evap. But would I really get evaps on five tests in a row? Maybe, I guess, if the test batch was just made that way. Still, it's a bit of hope, and it's still really early for testing. So, I'm not calling a BFP yet, but maybe tomorrow will tell whether the line gets darker or keeps coming up like this.

In other weekend news I did very little for two days besides hard core loafing on the couch. And bashed my hand into the refrigerator door while making dinner tonight, it really hurt! In terms of pregnancy symptoms, they've sort of come and gone. Most of the heavy-tummy feeling is gone now, except for a few minutes here and there. I've had an awful lot of tearful outbursts, my boobs are sore, and I've been really tired. Only a little bit of nausea. The majority of the time it doesn't feel like anything much at all. Back to work tomorrow; by this time next week we'll have our answer. Beta is supposed to be on Saturday, but I have to get my Greek doctor to send me the letter so I can get the appointment.

In the meantime, taking a fistful of tests and a little cup to work with me tomorrow. Please little second line, get darker!!!!