37WK4D - Home Stretch

Less than three weeks from baby boy's due date, and so many developments I will basically have to list them in bullets:

Symptoms (I have, like, everything right now)

• I sleep for maybe 5 hours a night until the congestion keeps me from being able to go back to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. Also, my first two fingers and thumb on each hand go numb after I've been laying down for a while, which is distracting.
• Excessively thirsty. Can't seem to drink enough water.
• Swelling in my ankles and hands has actually gone down. Still a little bit going on but nowhere near as painful or crippling as a couple weeks ago. Very, very grateful for the relief from this one.
• Congestion is increasingly worse, and harder to manage even with nasal spray... It wears off too fast.
• Tired. Nauseous, especially in the morning. Heightened anxiety.
• Belly button is almost flat with the rest of my stomach now.
• Swollen, uncomfortable girly bits. Oh, and hemorrhoids. Fun.

Last week's Doctor checkup:

• I lost two pounds (I think because the swelling has reduced) and belly didn't seem to be measuring any bigger than two weeks prior.
• They did a cervical exam, which hurt because my cervix is wayyyy high. She said it was still closed and firm, but about 66% effaced, and baby is head down.
• Baby's heart rate was in the 160's
• They ordered an ultrasound so we got to see him again. It was harder to get good image because he's big now. They estimated he was 7lbs, 8oz.... Gah!!! All his parts are in the right place and doing what they're supposed to, though. He keeps his hands up by his face, and his face mooshed into the placenta, so it was hard to get a good look at him.

Last night's developments:

• Pretty sure I had my first Braxton Hicks contraction (s). Bent down to pick up some laundry and when I straightened my whole belly felt tight, like I was trying to hold a sit-up. Stayed that way for a while. Seemed to get better when I sat down, but resumed when I got back up. There was no real beginning or end to the feeling, like I'd expected... It just was tight, then wasn't anymore. Weird.
• Also pretty sure I lost the mucus plug last night as I was peeing for the hundred millionth time. Wasn't as much as I expected and no blood or blood streaks. Just like a dime's worth of very clotted, shiny EWCM, kind of light yellow. Yay mucus. :P

Work:

• Oh, work. What a huge ball of crazy. My boss announced she is moving on to another job and her last day is 3 days before I'm due. She has always been very, very difficult to work with and I'm a little relieved to have the chance to be answerable to someone else, but the timing means my maternity coverage plan is out the window and my staff are pretty vulnerable for the next few weeks.
• One member of my staff resigned with no notice last week. Probably also a change for the better, though she was a good caseworker and her shoes will be hard to fill. We're getting to hire two contractors to replace her FTE, but I don't know if I'll be around long enough to interview and onboard them... And definitely not to train them. That means my one remaining experienced enforcement worker, who is already covering the majority of my duties because she's the only one who can, is the only resource for three newbie workers once I'm out.
• We're creating a team lead position in order to promote one of my remaining three seasoned workers into a position of more leadership (and higher pay.) but once the position posts there's a hiring process for that, too. Will I be there long enough to see it through?
• Our unit is being moved under the eligibility manager, Erin. I like her and I think it will be a nice change to report to her. In addition, they are going to hire a child support/customer service manager to report directly to her and oversee our unit. I thought I might have caught hints that Erin and our director, Dan, want me to apply for it.  I know that my soon to be former boss had no such intention and had a different person in mind for the job. Not sure if she will be part of the hiring process. Not sure if I would be screwing the team over if I apply, since if they picked me I couldn't step into the role until after maternity leave. Pretty sure that if I did apply and got the job, they would hire a new supervisor for the unit through our contract company. Also not sure how that would work but maybe it would actually be the best way to give my team the leadership they need while I'm out?
• Either way, that job is supposed to be posted in the next couple days. I am waiting for it to come out so I can read it before I decide whether to apply or not. If it does look like something I want, I have to figure out if I should talk to Erin or Dan first about whether I should apply,or just send in an app and see what they do with it, or chicken out because I don't want to see the look on my former boss' face or answer her snarky questions if she decides to be hard on me in the interview.
• All of that is, of course, assuming I don't go into labor first.

Other Developments:

Nursery painting is finally done and so, so cute. We have to wait for a chance to take pics in the daylight before we can share them, though. 

House is a wreck. I have so little mobility and energy and haven't been able to clean much. Thinking about hiring someone to do some chores as I think it would make me feel a little better.

Feeling more and more apprehensive about labor the closer we get. Labor has always been the scariest part of this whole thing for me. And of course, the closer you get the more people want to tell you their horror stories about how awful it is. What if i poop on the delivery table? What if I tear, or have to be cut? (I think I'd almost prefer a C-section, ugh.)  what if I throw up? What if the epidural doesn't work, or wears off? What if it's just horrific pain that there's nothing anybody can do anything about? Honestly I'm more scared of labor than anything else right now. Not worried for baby, I feel like he's going to be fine. Not worried for the exhaustion of a newborn's "schedule", that I can roll with the flow on. Not worried about diapers or even breastfeeding. Right now those things sound pretty manageable, in the face of pushing an eight (ten?) pound watermelon out of my body. I told Kaitlin that if I am in pain, if it's not going well, if I'm pooping or tearing or have to be cut, that I want all grandparents shooed out of the room. I'm ok with them being in there if the epidural is making things calm and bearable, but I really don't want to be self-conscious of my parents and hers looking on while I'm in bad shape.

So anyway. That's where life is right now. Still can't post pictures to this blog with my iPad, I'm going to have to find a solution to that eventually. In the meantime I've managed to kill the hour of not being able to sleep before my alarm goes off. Time to get up and head back to work...

25WK6D - Closing Out The Year

Starting this off with a belly pic from Christmas last week, which coincidentally fell on the same day as our 25-week milestone!

ACORNSQUASHBABY doesn't really roll off the tongue, but that's what the sticker says, LOL. In just a few more weeks, we're out of the second trimester and into the third. Things are starting to get REAL now, yo. :P I still get a lot of comments about how I don't look very pregnant yet - but I'm betting the third trimester's going to kick baby growth into a more obvious gear.

I've been feeling pretty good, overall. Lots of congestion, lots and lots of baby kicks - they're strong enough now that I can sit at work and watch my tummy bouncing <3 Still a little bit of nausea, but it's not bad. And sitting/lying down is awkward and uncomfortable, especially when I have a full stomach. I'm a little tired too, but energy levels are much better than they used to be. So overall, heading into the next few weeks doing pretty well. Our next appointment is on Monday, January 4th - I believe it's mostly a checkup and they do some sort of additional blood test, make sure baby is growing properly and all of that.

We had a really nice Christmas and I finally got to meet my tiny baby niece! Cricket (my little minpin) was fascinated. It's sure going to be interesting for her when our baby shows up, hehe~*

That's my dining room table all set up for Christmas. I am thinking next year, when we have a 8-9 month old, it may not look quite so polished so I better enjoy the memories while I can! Oh, and Kaitlin made the CUTEST Nutcracker-themed scratch-off card game - they looked a bit like lottery tickets - to reveal baby's gender to the family. There was only one "winning" card in the batch - everyone had to scratch off three gold seals to reveal little Nutcrackers (for a boy) and Sugar Plum Fairies (for a girl), and the person who got three matching symbols had the right answer. It was a ton of fun, and my mom was the one who got the winning card, so she got to announce the answer to the rest of the family. <3 I'm still not allowed to announce it on the blog or to friends yet, though, because Kaitlin wants to wait for our shower/gender reveal party that's probably going to be set for February. That feels like such a loooooong time to wait - I'm having an increasingly hard time keeping myself from slipping up as more and more people ask me how the pregnancy is going. :P

Anyway, today is the last day of 2015. And what a year it's been. The nightmare of miscarriage, returning to Greece twice, finally getting pregnant again, the misery of the first trimester, Kaitlin's dad passing away, drama at work, getting married in Vegas, and ending the year five months pregnant and anticipating what will likely be an even more chaotic 2016 :P

I realized this morning that I never did end up picking a OLW (One Little Word) for 2015. The miscarriage and subsequent attempts sapped my confidence quite a bit. Choosing an optimistic word felt presumptuous; choosing a determined word felt like more of a challenge than I had the strength for; and choosing a negative word felt like I'd be placing a curse on the rest of the year. But here we are, at the end of 2015, and I think now I can assign a Word to it - PERSEVERE.

Of all the words I can think of, that's the one that jumps out at me. It goes beyond "SURVIVE", which was all I could do those first few months. But it has a little more gravity than "SUCCEED" or "CELEBRATE," neither of which really capture the darker and more difficult things we've overcome this year. What I really need is a word that encapsulates the idea of "carrying on," of continuing to press forward and refusing to accept defeat even when hope is crushed. So PERSEVERE it is.

And for 2016? Right now I am thinking something along the lines of GROW, NURTURE, and/or EVOLVE. Something that captures the big changes that are going to be coming next year, and the idea of giving a fresh, strong, solid start to a new life - to our marriage, to this new little person we're adding to the world, and to my own life. I think there are probably a lot of applications to my work life, too - I have to take a 12-month break from my job, hope that things go smoothly in my absence, hope others don't use that time to sabotage what I've built here, and maybe even find a way to come back from it in a stronger, better, more valued position. Maternity leave is an opportunity, if I handle it right, to impress my bosses and staff and clients with how prepared I can be and how dedicated to the work I am - but has to be balanced with not making it *too* easy to absorb my absence, because it would be not-so-good if things ran so smoothly without me that it raised the question "What do we even need her for, anyway?"

I'm going to tackle those worries next week, though, and for now just think about getting through the rest of this year.

Now that Christmas and our wedding are checked off the to-do list, we've turned our attention to the next things needing attention: Kaitlin's name change (she changed it with social security and the DMV this week), getting her added to my medical insurance at work, getting her car and motorcycle sold and a more reliable (hopefully 4-door) car purchased, and getting nursery and other baby things squared away.

This week we found a gorgeous dresser and crib on Craigslist for only $100 - a third of what I was budgeting - and snapped it up. We are now the proud owners of this beautiful set of furniture:

We also picked up the jogging stroller/car seat combo we've been eyeing at Babies 'R Us:

And tomorrow we have an electrician coming to the house to run wiring and install a ceiling fan/light in both the nursery and the office, which is a project I have wanted to do for years. We've already started "photobashing" (digitally putting together a layout for the wall mural) and Kaitlin's doing the vectorizing to create the wall art; the "Small World" castle is pretty much done, and the "Europe" wall is next. This weekend I have to finish the photobashing(still have an "Islands" wall, an "Arctic" wall, and the "Asia/Africa/Americas" wall to plan out) in the hopes that Kaitlin will be able to vector it all during the week next week so we can start painting next weekend.

There are so many things we're going to need to get done, from remodeling the nursery closet to installing baby gates to planning the baby shower - not to mention that I really want to take some birthing classes, tour the hospital where baby will be born, and get maternity photos taken. It's a bit overwhelming, but at the same time I'm really looking forward to having so many exciting things to do.

Truthfully I'm a wee bit nervous, heading into New Year's, because of how horrible the New Year was for us last year. I know this baby and pregnancy are different - even if baby were to come early, at 26 weeks there'd still be a decent chance of survival. But I guess traumas get deep into our lizard brains sometimes and they're tough to shake. So taking a deep breath and trying to focus on all the stuff there is to look forward to, and not think too much about scary what-ifs.

It's going to be a good year. *fistpump*

TWENTY-FOUR WEEKS

On our 23-week milestone last week, there was no blog post, because we were in Las Vegas,  busy doing this:

We are officially, legally married! We just need our marriage certificate from vital records, which we had to wait ten days before we can send away for it. But, once we have it in hand, Kaitlin will begin the process of changing her last name, and I will begin the process of getting her added to my medical insurance.

In the meantime, some sadness got mixed in: Kaitlin's father passed away the day before we left for our Vegas trip. So while we had a lovely mini-vacation of seeing the sights and eating good food and generally taking a break from regular life, the moment we got back we were swept back up in a whirlwind of to-dos, including attending his memorial, doing some cleaning at his house, and so on. This weekend will be entirely consumed with Christmas preparations, since I don't even have our tree up yet or any presents wrapped. 

There was also a day of stressing where we realized the CD of our wedding photos was unreadable in any of our computers, and we had to email the chapel and ask them to upload the pictures someplace where we could get them. Thankfully the chapel owner took care of that for us the day after I emailed her, and we were able to spend a bit of time editing the pictures into a photobook and ordering big canvas prints for our wall (really looking forward to getting them.)

So on the list for this weekend includes putting up Christmas decorations, a bunch of Christmas-prep shopping and cleaning, and wrapping gifts. Kaitlin's going to have a pretty significant honey-do list for the work week, too, since she's off work for the schools' Christmas break. But, once Christmas is past, we'll get to refocus a little - taking care of her car/motorcycle sale and working on the nursery, mostly.

Baby seems to be doing just fine, still alternating between quiet times and wiggle times, and still sapping my energy at a much faster rate than I'm used to. Also, it's pretty much impossible now to have a full stomach AND baby AND enough room to take a full lungful of air, so I'm finding myself very short of breath after I eat. I still don't get to eat full meals, either - I get acid reflux once my stomach gets too full, so I'm having to eat until I'm *just* uncomfortable, wait a few hours, and then eat some more. Means I'm pretty much always hungry even when my tummy won't hold any more.

We'll try to take a 24-week belly shot tonight, but for now I'll just leave you with our 23-week "wedding special edition." <3

22WK3D - I am an auntie!

I didn't get to blog on our 22-week milestone on Friday because it was a bit of a whirlwind of a day. We had our big anatomy ultrasound appointment - baby is measuring about 1 lb 3 oz so far, with all body parts and organs accounted for and growing like they should, and a nice strong little heartbeat - we even got to see the little face. <3 I'm waiting for Kaitlin to scan our ultrasound pics in so I can share them, but in the meantime, here's the 22-week baby bump pic:

 

So far I've gained about 10 pounds. The bump still only shows when I wear certain clothes - most of my shirts and jackets are too loose to make it very noticeable. I definitely notice when I'm sitting or trying to lie down, though. Feels like all my insides are being squished and it's hard to breathe. I've had a really hard time sleeping this past week, even with my usual 1/4 to 1/2 of an Ambien pill. I think that's also due to all the stuff we have going on - everything from work, to our Vegas elopement this week <3 and all the preparations, to Kaitlin's sister who's staying with us and the whole situation with Kaitlin's dad, to money issues and saving for another car and still trying to find time to post her car and motorcycle for sale, to the upcoming Christmas plans (I still haven't got our tree up), to the plans for the nursery that we really really need to get a move on but can't until after we get back from Vegas and Kaitlin's sister's gone home... and add to all of that - I became an Auntie on Friday! After 32 hours of labor (YIKES) my sister in law gave birth to little Hannah, who is just so adorable I can't stand it.

My brother is apparently completely smitten - my mom hasn't even gotten to hold the baby yet. :P I haven't been able to meet her yet, and might not get to until Christmas since we're out of town this weekend. But I'm really looking forward to it, she is so tiny and precious. And I'm kindasorta envious that he and my sister-in-law are on the other side of labor and delivery now (the part I'm least looking forward to) and have their little one to cuddle. I want my little one to cuddle!! (But not now, baby, you hear that? You still have like four more months of cooking to do, so don't be getting in a hurry...)

Anyway, it's been absolute insanity the past few weeks so I'm just trying to take things one step at a time. First, finish up preparations for Vegas, and get Kaitlin's sister to her last visits with her dad and then safely to the airport. Then, get to the airport ourselves (at 4 AM) the next morning, make sure we get to all of our scheduled events (but most importantly, the licensing bureau and the chapel) over the weekend, then get home and focus on Christmas prep and, if we're lucky, maybe a little nursery prep. And in the meantime, stay enough on top of things at work that they're not keeping me up at night.

I did call and make an appointment for next week with my doctor to have my Ambien refilled. I think that will also be a big help, because the other stressful thing is the fear that I'm going to run out of medication and be completely sleepless until the next appointment, which is truly miserable.

Just hanging in there, I guess. Pretty amazed that our little bean seems to be plugging away perfectly fine amidst all of mama's fluttering about. And grateful for that, too. Just keep doing your thing, little one, and ignore me for right now. In a month or two we'll have a lot more of this stuff under control. By the time you get here, we'll be ready. <3

BabyCenter's 22 week image!

21WK3D - Long time no blog

Life is slowly settling down after a whirlwind of drama - car problems, money problems, family health problems, elopement planning, a dear friend passing away :( and issues at work that have been hitting one after the other. Unfortunately that means I've missed quite a few milestone posts! But, we did manage to take a 21-week belly pic on Thanksgiving:

We're past the halfway mark now! So here's a summary of some of the main goings-on:

In terms of pregnancy symptoms I'm still tired and fatigued, with minor backache and increasing need to pee. When I'm not super tired, though, my energy levels are pretty good. I'm still experiencing a higher tendency toward anxiety than usual, though now that life-things are settling a bit it's getting better. Baby is kicking a little harder now, and I feel wiggling about 3 - 4 times a day - usually on my morning and afternoon commutes, around lunchtime, and just before bed. Sometimes baby wakes me up with wiggling in the middle of the night, too.

I had a four day weekend for the Thanksgiving holiday - we went to my mom's house on Thanksgiving, and got to see my still-pregnant SIL (at 38 weeks, she's getting very close to her due date!) and parents.

Unfortunately, Kaitlin's dad's health is not doing so well at all, and we're expecting that he may pass away in the next couple weeks. Her sister, Beth, flew in from Idaho to spend some time with him, and she's staying at our house. She arrived on Friday, and will be leaving next Wednesday - which is the day before the day that Kaitlin and I leave for Vegas to get hitched. So this coming weekend's going to be busy, with packing, and hopefully decorating the house for Christmas, and also having a house guest.

Kaitlin's birthday is on Thursday. We celebrate her birthday in the summer, because her actual birthday so often gets lost in holidays and the cold of winter, but we're still going to make her favorite cherry-chip cupcakes and go out to dinner.

Next ultrasound is Friday, at 22 weeks. It's the big one, the full anatomy scan, and if I heard our doc correctly they're actually going to do it in 3-D. Depending on how it goes we may or may not decide to have another 3-D scan done in a month or so at the private ultrasound place. Looking forward to seeing little baby's growth - here's hoping everything's doing what it's supposed to be doing at this stage!

We have pretty much everything figured out for the elopement now - finally got confirmation for our reservation from the little chapel. Kaitlin's mom is driving to Vegas because she wants to be there, so she'll be a witness and we'll all go out for dinner afterward. Now it's just a matter of making a complete packing list so we don't forget any of the elements we're planning to wear! Kaitlin's also getting her hair and makeup done just beforehand, and I'm excited to see how it's going to turn out. The wedding will be Friday the 11th, so our "new" anniversary date is moving from 12/31 to 12/11. Shouldn't be too hard to remember. :P Oh, and we picked out our 4-year anniversary gifts for each other (year 4 is aquamarine) and got them ordered on a great Black Friday deal, so that's something fun to look forward to.

I have most Christmas presents purchased, just a few more things that I need to square away (and then wait for loads of packages to arrive so I can wrap them.) Christmas will be next on the to-do list once we get back from Vegas.

And of course, somewhere in there we have to make some progress on the nursery. I ordered a ceiling fan/light but have to do a craigslist post to find an electrician to install the power box in the ceiling. We have the general layout of the mural decided, and Kaitlin's started on the digital artwork, but there's still a lot to do before it will be ready to project on the wall, outline, and paint. And I'm currently stalking Craigslist for the perfect nursery furniture set. But for now, Kaitlin's sister is staying on the spare bed in the nursery, so we won't really be doing much physical work until after we get back from Vegas.

As far as work goes, things blew up, then simmered, then blew up, then simmered again. Right now we're in a simmering phase, and in fact I am more caught up than I have been in months, so that's something to be grateful for. I just have to stay on my toes, and keep my staff on their toes, going into the new year. Oh, and start making real plans for maternity leave coverage, which is a whole other monster. I still need to sit down with HR and go over the options, get the FMLA packet, and so on.

So right now, just taking everything one day at a time until we get through the chaos. Thankfully baby's been charging through it all like a champ - no bleeding or spotting or cramping or anything scary, and plenty of reassuring wiggles. As long as we have that, we can get through all the rest. :)

5WK3D – Knocking on Wood

So I spotted almost all day Friday and Saturday. It wasn’t a lot – mostly light brown, didn’t even reach my undies – but it was certainly enough to keep me on edge and anxious and maybe even a little depressed. Especially since Friday night we had a family dinner with my (now 20-weeks-along) pregnant SIL, and my mom really wanted to know how I was doing and I had to tell her we just didn’t know.

Saturday was Kaitlin’s unbirthday. I bought her the supplies to change the oil in her motorcycle, since that’s what she said she wanted for a present. So we spent the morning at Harley-Davidson and made another stop by a hardware store, then went to the Melting Pot for a fondue lunch. Came home and I loafed on the couch while she changed her oil, then we went to a movie and dinner. It was a nice day, but the spotting kept me pretty tense and it was hard to concentrate on much of anything else. I felt kind of bad since I know I wasn’t really *there* for Kaitlin for her unbirthday like I wanted to be. Hopefully I can make it up to her a little bit on her real birthday in December. At that point I’ll be 20-ish weeks along myself, and probably feeling a lot more confident.

Luckily when I woke up Sunday morning, the spotting was gone. I still planted my butt on the couch and did nothing, even though the floors need sweeping so badly and the kitchen needs cleaning and there’s about a million things around the house that need taking care of…  None of them are worth losing this pregnancy. So I sat, and tried not to get up and move around very much except to get food and go to the bathroom.

And there is still, knock on wood, no spotting going on. Today we are exactly one week away from our first ultrasound, so I’m going to be spending this week taking it very very easy. I think, if we can see a heartbeat on the ultrasound, it will finally feel like it’s okay to breathe again. Also, this morning I got an email back from my Greek coordinator – even though she’s on vacation and preparing for her wedding – with some instructions on how I can increase my progesterone dosage if the spotting continues. It was like a magic wand that really did make me feel a lot better. Something I can do! A way I can try and fight back!! A teeny bit of semi-empowerment in this situation that I have so little control of. 

My body doesn’t like all this sitting around, though. I want to at least go do walks or something, and probably will – little bitty short ones – once we get a heartbeat confirmed. While my feelings of being down in the dumps have brightened considerably  in the past two days, it’s hard to stay upbeat if I’m slouching around for too long. I’d like to at least get to a place where I can do some chores around the house without worrying.

I feel a little frustrated at being so tense right now. I want to revel in each and every week of the pregnancy experience, since this is the only time I’m ever going to do it. But I feel like the residual terror from our first miscarriage has spoiled it a little. I’m hoping that maybe, after the ultrasound, I’ll be able to relax and enjoy it a little more.

Otherwise, there are very few pregnancy symptoms to report. Boobs mostly sore at night, before I go to bed. Little bouts of fatigue that come and go, same thing with the nausea. All sorts of odd tugging/twinging/twanging feelings in my belly, that could be pregnancy-related, gas, or digestion. Oh, and I find myself continually unbuttoning my pants, because they feel so tight. I know I can’t get a bump this early – but I tend to put on weight in my belly first, and it’s already got a good 15 more pounds to it than it did when we started this whole TTC thing. My weight on the scale hasn’t changed a bit in the last few weeks, but I feel like maybe the weight’s rearranging itself in my tummy area now. :P Hey, at least I can tell myself it’s the baby bump now, LOL!

In the meantime, hoping for a nice quiet week at work and at home. Going to maybe try to sleep through as much of it as I can in order to make it go by faster. :P

I Would Die For That

Someone posted this song on the NorthWest Andrology forums and I basically had to close my office door and take a moment to bawl my eyes out. This is basically my heart song at the moment.

So not a whole lot of exciting updates right now. We were supposed to go hiking for my birthday, but after driving the three hours into the mountains it turned out that the trail was flooded due to all the rain and they wouldn't let us up. So we kept going into Glenwood Springs instead, and went to the Glenwood Cavern Adventure Park. It cost a lot more than what I was planning to spend on my birthday, but we did have a good time - took a cave tour, and rode a couple of the rides, and generally just acted goofy.

Since the hiking trail we planned for today was closed, we're on a team headed for Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park instead. Kaitlin is very excited.

A photo posted by Meg (@meghannmccall) on Jun 14, 2015 at 11:12am PDT

Also confirmed that we start Lupron on the 21st, which is this coming Sunday. Pride is this weekend, and I'll be there at a booth with my books and some of the other authors from my publishing house. It should be a good time, even if I do have to start getting shots again. I got my updated social security card, and went to the DMV last week, but haven't gotten my new driver's license in the mail yet - once that comes in I can actually start changing my name on everything, especially at work. Since work is where I spend the vast majority of my life, I think it will feel a lot more like a "real" change once I'm able to use my name there...

Anyway, we're doing okay in terms of savings for our third round. Trying to think positive... the odds are that it should really, really work this time. But it's also hard to think about what we'll do next if it doesn't. Since thinking about getting pregnant is way more fun, I'm trying to focus on dreaming about that instead. But dreaming is dangerous. *Sigh* Still, I only have two choices: spend the next few weeks anxious, or spend them excited. Neither one will have any effect on the outcome, most likely, but they'll have a big effect on our quality of life.

So, excited it is. :P

I have a baby shower to attend for a friend next weekend. I'm halfway SUPER excited, and halfway nervous. On the one hand, I get to hold a tiny baby (SQUEE) and see my friends and congratulate them. On the other (insert major selfishness) they have a baby and I don't, and I am jealous. I have a big mouth, and it's going to be really hard to not blurt out to everybody that we're trying to have a baby too and it's been so hard and expensive and taken so much time and wah, wah, wah, me, me, me when it's THEIR party for their new little family. So I'm doing my best to focus on being happy for THEM (because I am!) without making it about myself.

So yeah... that's where we're at right now. Lupron, then the start of my next AF, then another $500 ultrasound / bloodwork, then weeks more of Lupron while we wait for Embio to tell us when we should plan to be there and when the transfer date will be... waiting and waiting and more waiting...

IVF Barbie, Not Giving Up And Other Fun

Found this post today that made me laugh: IVF Barbie

I definitely remember being Newbie Barbie, and Joiner Barbie too. And I am reminded, as I stare down my 36th birthday this month, my pregnant friends and family, friends with newborns, and pictures of babies all over my facebook feed, that technically I haven't actually reached full on Veteran Barbie status yet. I've gained weight from all the meds - about 15 pounds - and I do have some gray hair (which I keep colored.) My poor tummy has had its moments of bruises and puncture marks so bad that it looks diseased. But in the grand scheme of things, I've got time. So many folks on various boards are 38, 40, 42 and are still trying. Even if I decided to try up until my 40th birthday I'd still have four more years of attempts left. So far I've done 4 ICIs, 3 Clomid IUIs, 3 injectable IUIs, transferred five donor embryos, made two trips to Greece, and endured one six week miscarriage. That's actually only twelve cycles, total, even if they were spread out over the course of five years. Pretty sure there are an awful lot of veteran ladies who would shake their heads at all my angst and think "Girl, you ain't seen nothing yet."

And though I eye my bank account, our budgets, and the HELOC slapped against my house, the truth is that four years is a good long time. I could pay the entire HELOC off almost twice over in that time. So if a July attempt doesn't work and we have to take a 7-8 month break, is it really that big of a deal?

The same blogger has another post that really hit home: When Is It Time To Stop Trying?

I will admit, I've had moments of "Why am I even doing this? Maybe all this failure is a sign from the universe that I am not meant to be a mom. Should I be investing this energy into acceptance of a childfree life?"

And then I feel guilty. If I'm considering giving up, then I must not want it badly enough. Quitters are just people who aren't adequately motivated, aren't they? It's hard not to believe, in my weakest and most discouraged moments, that there really is some entity outside myself - the universe, fate, God - that is actively denying me a baby. The really ironic thing is that no one's actually SAID that to me, but I have this overwhelming suspicion that if the rest of the world knew everything we'd done up to this point to try and get pregnant, they'd all be thinking it... "Sheesh, obviously you're not meant to be a mom, get over it." I am projecting my own mean little inner voice onto my friends and family, the assumption that they would all dismiss my repeated failures as God's plan for my life.

And I know that this comes from my childhood, the way that I was raised in an ultra-religious bubble and taught to be judgy and condescending and superior when others were going through crises. Must be God's plan for your life, dear, be content with it...

It's those naysaying thoughts... the idea that a higher power wants to prevent me from being a mom, combined with the guilt that entertaining that thought means I don't want this badly enough, that are probably the most powerful depressants in this whole infertility war. And they battle it out with the  surviving vestiges of my NewbieBarbie self, who is still stubbornly popping up in the corner (albeit her glitter makeup is starting to look a little worse for wear) and cheerily shouting "Baby dust! Power of positive thinking! If I can do it so can you! Success stories! Pregnancy magic! Still plenty of time and money, where there's a will there's a way! Winners never quit!"

I wish there was a way I could live as NewbieBarbie. Literally choose not to acknowledge failure, to keep my eye on the prize with confidence every second of the day, spread nothing but encouragement and positivity, and live my life in between cycles with joy and carefreeness and the certainty that my baby's coming eventually. There are a few people in this world who are able to live that way. My inner judgy self usually decides they're ditzes. So unconnected with reality, maddeningly lost in fantasy, irresponsible, taking each day as it comes and never concerning themselves with how it will affect tomorrow. Romantical and ridiculous. Today I envy them. Today I think there's something I could probably learn from that kind of attitude.

In other news, my new name is now on file with the DMV. Waiting to get my social security and DMV cards in the mail, and then I can change my name here at work and on all my other stuff...

Oh, and I still haven't heard back from the Greek clinic to confirm when I'm supposed to start Lupron injections. Finally just went ahead and emailed the doctor today. Hopefully that will get me an answer...

I'll Have A New Name Tomorrow

Barring any unexpected court objections, by tomorrow afternoon I will legally have a new name. That means today is my last day of living with my ex's last name. Kind of sad that I've now had her last name for longer than the period of time we were even married...

I always disliked the last name I was born with, and was so excited to change my name when I married my ex. One of the things that felt the most jarring about the dissolution of our relationship was that now not only did it feel like the life I had planned for myself was gone, but I didn't even really feel at home in my own name anymore. And I've continued to live with that name for the last three and a half years, partly because changing one's name is a pain in the ass, and partly because I didn't have any idea what I would choose for a name instead, as I really didn't want to go back to my birth name.

At the same time, I really don't want to take anybody else's name for my own ever again. While I am confident that Kaitlin and I are going to have a lasting marriage, the name change process is long and annoying, and I've learned that there's something about taking someone else's name that sort of ties your identity to another person, and I didn't really like that. Also, Kaitlin's last name starts with a "P", and my birth last name started with a "P", and one of the reasons I was so excited to replace my birth name was because I grew up as "Meghann P" (there were five other Megan's in my elementary school) and as you can imagine, the kids weren't always so nice about that and I hated the way it sounded.

So what Kaitlin and I decided is that my birth middle name (which was my Irish/Scottish great-grandmother's  maiden name) will be my last name, and after we get married she'll be taking that name for her last name too. And I decided to use the name we've picked out for a daughter as my middle name (in case we never have a daughter, I still just love the name so much and want to be able to use it somewhere.)

As of tomorrow, then, I will have a very very VERY Irish name. And can begin the process of changing all my work and legal and financial stuff over.

The last time I changed my name it was a complete thrill. I was so, so excited. This time it feels more somber, somehow. Less giddy, but also like a burden's being lifted. I also sold my engagement ring, the one I had with my ex, on Ebay this week. Mailed it off yesterday. My old wedding band is up on Ebay too, and the money I get from both is going into our TTC account for July's attempt.  And just a couple weeks ago, I gave my old wedding dress to Goodwill. So it feels a little bit like this name change is wrapping up the last vestiges of my old life. I really am moving on into a fresh beginning - I guess it adds a little bit of irrational hope that maybe if I close the door on all that it will encourage fate to give me a baby, to open a new door? I realize that's silly, but I guess it's my inner self trying to bargain with the universe, in a way.

I had originally planned to get pregnant, then do the name change, then Kaitlin and I would elope, and when baby arrived he/she would be born into our new family name. When I got pregnant in December I started the name change process. Though our baby didn't make it, it seemed like a waste not to follow through with the name change, since the process costs money up front for the background checks. So it's with mixed emotions that I go off to my hearing tomorrow. On the one hand, I'm really happy to be moving on with at least one part of my life. On the other, the plan was always that by the time I got to my name change hearing I'd be pregnant, but there won't be any baby with me tomorrow.

Had a dream last night that we were awakened by a baby crying down the hall, and Kaitlin got up and went down there to check in on the room that we plan for the nursery... and I had this huge sense of happiness that oh my gosh, we are parents after all. I think a part of me knew it was a dream, but I really didn't want to wake up.

Here's hoping that the third try will be a charm, and July's attempt will finally FINALLY be our month.

IVF#2 12DP5DT - Beta Day

Another BFN on the HPT last night. Got up early this morning, let Kaitlin give me my heparin shot, took my meds, and went to the doctor's office for the blood draw. Just waiting to get the results this afternoon so that I can stop taking the medication. I have never wanted confirmation of a BFN more than I do right now. I know that we failed. But I wish I was wrong, so badly, that I am desperate for that piece of paper that tells me I can stop going through the motions. Stop taking the medication, stop wondering about every little twinge, stop worrying about cold medicine and coffee and alcohol and just get on with my still-childless life.

I don't remember the other BFNs being this hard. I don't remember being in this much pain while at work even during the miscarriage... probably because in that case, I took days off through the worst of it. I don't feel like I deserve days off for just another BFN. It's not like my life is over. I'm not even physically as uncomfortable as I am during a normal AF. I just feel a whole lot of nothing. A whole lot of empty. My emotions are on overdrive because of the estrogen, and I can't wait to be able to stop taking it.

My heart is so broken. I feel so broken. Thirty thousand dollars later, we are no closer to having a baby in our arms than we were when we started. I am tired and bitter and more sad than I know how to put into words. I don't know how to give up on this. Yet I don't know how I can keep going, either. How do people do this? How do they get through years and years of this? How do they AFFORD it?

All I want right now is retail therapy. After months of scrimping and saving and forgoing every little thing I wanted in order to add pennies to our TTC savings account, all I want is to buy anything that seems like it might make me feel better. And it's probably the worst and most self-destructive thing I can do, because money is what makes the TTC journey go round. I'm going to be paying off the debt we're already in for the next ten years, and we didn't even get a baby out of it.

Today is a sucktacular day, and all I can think about is getting to that test result - just a few more hours now, I can make it that long, right? - so that I can go home, hate my life, drink a bottle of wine, cry until I can't think anymore, and wake up tomorrow without meds, without injections, without hope. Right now the greatest happiness available to me will be hopelessness. At least if there's no hope, it doesn't hurt so much.

So I realize that writing all of this out, the fact that this is the way my heart really feels, the fact that this is, I guess, the whiny, bitter, self-centered person I actually am, is pretty revealing, isn't it? I don't like the person that I am right now. I don't want to be this negative. I don't want to be this angry.  I don't want to be such a diva about things that aren't going right in my life. After all, the world doesn't revolve around me. And I should be spending this time caring for other people's problems and sadness instead of wallowing in my own. One of the girls at the RE's office today called me a "trooper." I wanted to hug her and punch her at the same time. It's nice that someone might think of me that way, but I know it's a lie. Because I'm not trooping, I'm drowning in self-pity and failure and pain and jealousy and anger and tears.

I want to be a strong person, a courageous person who faces disappointment with love and kindness and selflessness and grace, but I'm not. I'm tapped out, I've got nothing left. Today it's all about surviving through the next ten seconds. And then the next ten seconds. And then the next. Until life has moved on enough that I can move on too.

So.

Once I get the results I'm not waiting for the Greek clinic to tell me to stop the meds, I'm just stopping. When I send them the results, I'll ask them for another Lupron prescription, so that I can order the meds again  - it will take a month or more to get them so I might as well get them ordered now. That will be another $537. I'll also ask her to tell me how long they would recommend I wait before trying again, and how much their fee will be for a third attempt. Then I spend the next couple of weekends selling everything possible on Ebay and Craigslist. I avoid driving anywhere I don't have to drive, I eat as little as possible and avoid grocery shopping for as long as possible. I don't buy anything else for my little doll or sewing supplies. When I get my next royalty check the whole thing goes into the TTC savings account. I just literally don't spend ANYTHING, don't buy ANYTHING, that is not absolutely necessary. I avoid seeing my family, especially my pregnant SIL, as much as humanly possible - which is going to be really difficult over the summer, since that's the time when we all have birthdays and get together monthly, and I don't know how I'm going to get out of all of them.

And maybe, just MAYBE, we'll be able to take another stab at this in July or August. It will be the last. If it doesn't work... It will be a year before I can even begin to hope to have enough money to do anything else. Of course, I keep saying that, and as soon as failure strikes I seem to come up with another way to find money. I suppose a fourth try could go entirely on a credit card, but that just seems really stupid. Though adoption fees... If I spent money on an adoption and home study before the end of this year, I think I could get it all pretty much back in taxes next year. So maybe that's what we'll have to do... try one more IVF, and if it doesn't work, sign up with an adoption agency, charge the whole fee to a credit card, then write it off on taxes so that we get it refunded... and wait to see if there's any birth mother out there who will choose us.

Funny, how all the IVF bloggers I've found and followed never really seem to talk much about the money part of their attempts. Maybe they have insurance covering them, or have a partner who's footing the bills, or someone lending it to them, I don't know. But I don't have any of that, and it's maybe the biggest stressor of this entire process, worse even than the hormones and the injections and the TWW.

And the only thing that keeps me going right now is knowing that if we ever DO get a baby out of all of this, it will all suddenly seem more than worth it. It would be something I would do over again without question, if I KNEW the outcome was going to be eventual success. But right now we're in that uncertain limbo where never-succeeding is still a very real possibility, and then all of this is going to be the biggest waste, the biggest losing bet, of my life.

Break's over. Have to get started on some actual work now... the last thing I need is to get fired on top of everything else.

IVF#2 11DP5DT - Still negative

Got another BFN last night and didn't even bother testing this morning. I'll probably test once more tonight but I know there isn't much point. Also, the Greek clinic hasn't sent me the letter I need to even have the blood beta tomorrow. I've asked for it three times. So I'm going to have to ask the doctor himself, because I can't actually even be seen by my doctor without it, and I can't stop taking the meds until the Greek clinic says so, and I really don't want to do any more injections.

Kaitlin and I are talking about pulling out all the stops... and by that I mean maxing out the HELOC and selling everything we possibly can and maybe floating the rest on a credit card... for one more shot over the summer. And if that doesn't work, I don't think we have any hope of getting pregnant. We can't afford to keep throwing money at this, at $8000 a pop. We may have to look into adoption - but I don't know if we'll have the money for it for a long time.

I'm going to work late tonight so that I don't have to go have dinner with my family. I just can't sit there with my pregnant SIL and pretend like I'm okay. I kind of don't want to see her, at least not for a little while... at least until I feel like I'll be able to do it without my heart shredding with envy and self-loathing.

Never in a million years, when we started this a year and a half ago, did I imagine it was going to come to this. I never thought I'd pour this much money and heart and time and physical bodily strain and stress into something and still come out of it as empty handed as when we began. Never did I imagine that I wouldn't be the first to give my parents a grandchild. It never occurred to me that we would actually FAIL. I guess I always thought at some point, somewhere down the line, we WOULD have a baby... we just had to keep trying.

But you can't make something happen just by trying. This is one of those times when the cheery "if you believe, you can achieve!!!" bullshit is exactly that. No amount of believing is going to give us a baby. Only money. Money, and luck. And even when I've been able to scrape one together, the other continues to ignore me.

Kaitlin's going to ask her Mom today to try and find out how serious this acquaintance of hers is about adoption. We would do it in a HEARTBEAT if she's serious, but it's such a delicate, uncertain thing that it doesn't seem possible it's going to pan out.

Anyway. That's where life is today. Empty, tapped out, and tired. But maybe we've got one more round in us. Just one...

IVF#2 10DP5DT - BFN is Imminent

Tested all weekend, all BFNs. Was super duper sick, too - don't know if it was allergies or a cold, but could not stop sneezing, itchy eyes, horrible headache and congestion, runny nose, the works. I've stopped peeing every ten seconds, which was one of the first signs during the m/c that told me it was over. I no longer feel nauseous, or really anything at all. All symptoms gone, and stark white negatives twice a day.

We're still doing the meds until my blood test on Wednesday, but I have no hope left. I know in my heart that it didn't work. And I feel... so defeated. So empty and exhausted and bitter. I'm supposed to go to two family events in the next week, where I will have to sit at the same table with my newly-pregnant SIL and listen to the family gush over her, while I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to scrape together enough money to go back for a third -- and likely final -- attempt. I don't want to go to the family things, and I'm probably going to chicken out and come up with some kind of excuse. I don't think I can handle it.

I might be able to pull off a third attempt over the summer. I sold some rims and tires this weekend on Craigslist for $200. I have an expensive doll and some handmade clothes and a ton of accessories that I bet I can get about $400 for - maybe more. I also think I might start designing, making and selling American Girl doll clothes on Etsy, as I think I can probably make some decent cash with it. Add to that at least one more royalty check, and maxing out my HELOC by pulling out the last remaining $5000 (putting me the full $20K in debt) and being as stingy as possible with money for the next three months, I think I can put together enough to go back again this summer.

The earliest I could go back would be probably July, because once the Greek docs tell me to stop the meds I have to wait for AF. Usually about 11 - 15 days into AF, they have me start Lupron - I'll need to order it and pay an extra $100 for shipping to get it in time. Then I wait for AF again, and start estrogen/progesterone right after, and I keep that up until the donor's cycle is lined up with mine and her retrieval happens. Then I go out there, get the transfer, come home... and do the TWW again.

And if it doesn't work... I don't know. We'll be completely tapped out, money wise. Maybe when we get a tax refund next year we can use it to start the process of adoption.

There's one very, very pale glimmer of another possibility - Kaitlin's mom apparently knows a young woman who is pregnant and considering giving the baby up for adoption. We told her to please, please let her friend know we would absolutely love to be considered as adoptive parents for her baby. It would be an open adoption, I'm sure, but the child would know who both his/her birth parents are pretty much their entire lives, and while that might be inconvenient a little for us, it would be invaluable, I think, for a kiddo to grow up with that sense of identity and self.

If this were to pan out, we'd have to do a home study, and probably a ton of legal/attorney fees. We might help the birth mother with her birthing expenses too. But there's an adoption tax credit that could then reimburse us maybe for the cost of everything, since we wouldn't have to pay an adoption agency to find us a birth mom. Travel expenses wouldn't be too bad, since I guess the birth mom is only about 5 hours away from us.

I guess it just sounds too good to be true, and I'm trying not to get my heart too set on the idea. But here we are with a pregnancy that's HERE, that's HAPPENING right now, and if there was any way... ANY WAY... that she would choose to give us this gift I would do anything to make it happen.

Anyway. Sitting at work now, trying to get back into the swing of childless day-to-day life. Wishing for a miracle. Wishing for another chance. Wishing to win the lottery.

IVF#2 7DP5DT - Still no pink line

I tested way too often yesterday... like, five times. All BFNs.

Felt nauseous, hungry, and sense of smell is now so far into hyper drive that my nose is stuffy and running, as if I have allergies. I still am smelling EVERYDAMNTHING, like it's an essential oil under my nose. I put the tiniest dab of perfume on this morning and I think I'm going to have to go wipe it off, because it's all I can smell. I had to put my dog's blanket in the wash before I left the house, because it (and therefore her) reeked of pee... ew ew ew. The scent of the air freshener in our bathroom (roses and marshmallow) actually woke me up at 4 AM and I could not go back to sleep.  O.o

I did come in to work super early, both because I was up at 4, and because I needed to clean my stinky fish tank so I don't have to sit here all day feeling pukey over the way it smells. Had cramps pretty much most of the day yesterday. Now they seem to be gone, and the only thing I'm currently experiencing is the hyper-sensitive nose.

But seeing those BFNs over and over has got me feeling pessimistic. Is it really possible to have ALL THESE SYMPTOMS - things I have never had before, even when I got my BFP last time - and still end up with a BFN?? Can I really be responding so much differently to the meds this round than last round? Don't people usually build up a tolerance for meds and get less sensitive to them rather than more? I know that the nausea, maybe even the sense of smell and vivid dreams and tiredness and hunger and all of that could be med-related, but can cramps really be related to meds? I know AF can't be coming, I'm on enough estrogen right now to probably hold off my period for like a year. :P (Seriously, I'm taking 12mg a day, and 800mg of progesterone a day...)

On the flip side, though, is it actually possible to have so many, many symptoms before the pregnancy's even far enough along to show up on a urine test? Has the pressure of TTC finally just broken my brain and now my body's actually experiencing pregnancy symptoms out of sheer hope?

Part of me feels certain we're having twins. Like... just... IF we're pregnant, it's twins. In fact, it's boy/girl twins. This is either womanly intuition or complete fantasy, I realize that, but there you have it. And part of me feels certain it's a BFN. That is mostly the bitter part, the part that really believes (fears) that the universe has no intention of ever letting me have this. That fate intends for me to grow old and die childless, and nothing I do is ever going to make a difference. I let my thoughts linger a little too long in that headspace and I quickly start getting depressed.

So I am trying to distract myself with things that are fun. For one, I am wearing another of my newly-thrifted outfits today. Yesterday I had a couple of people compliment my black and white outfit (even had one lady stop me in the hall and ask me to come back to her office with her so she could write down the name and location of the thrift store.) So today, being Friday and jeans-day at work, I am wearing jeans, a pink sweater with white lace sleeves, a long pendant necklace I bought in Greece with paper roses and a gold charm of the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, some dangly pink pearl earrings, and my Cinderella's-pumpkin-coach two-finger ring. Oh, and my super, super cute pink and white lolita oxfords. Had fun putting the outfit together, and I have a whole week of new outfits for next week to look forward to.

Also thinking about doll things, since I ordered a BJD (ball jointed doll) from AliExpress that appears to be about the same size/shape as an American Girl doll. Only the face is so much prettier, and she's going to be a lot more poseable, and I can't wait for her to arrive so I can get her measurements and see about buying and/or making clothes for her.

But what I really, really, really want is that second pink line. Pleasepleaseplease. My beta test isn't until 5/6, which is basically 12dp5dt, so I know that there's time still. But I think my heart could rest and rejoice, at least a little, if I could just get that second pink line. I know there'd still be the betas, and then waiting it out until an ultrasound and praying that I don't miscarry again... but all of that stuff is moot if that second pink line never shows up.

So... better just get started on the stuff that's on my desk, and make it through til lunch. I have decided I am only letting myself test three times today. And maybe only twice tomorrow... we'll see...

EDIT: So our system is down today, meaning there's a limited amount of work I can do besides making sure my staff are working (oh, the irony!) It also means I have an uncomfortable wealth of time in which to ponder my pregnancy status or lack thereof. I went back and reread my post from 7DPT last time - I don't think I was quite as anxious as I feel right now. I know I was sad and pessimistic, but I guess I forgot just how miserable the days of a TWW are. My brain swings from wanting to plan the nursery and google parenting tips for twins, to wanting to review our finances and calculate how much a third try will cost and how long it would take us to save up enough.

Sense of smell is still a little haywire, and now I have cramps and nausea again. Tired, and needing a fast-forward button on the clock so I can go home, or better yet, skip to next week so I can just find out once and for all whether this round is going anywhere. But I am trying to force myself to wait until later afternoon to test again, because after that I'll only allow myself one more test before going to bed. And my commonsense is jabbing me. "Dumdum!! STOP TESTING AT ALL! Just wait!!"

But I can't. I need that second pink line like an addict needs their next fix. And I feel like crying - temper tantrum, self-indulgent, whiny stampy things-aren't-going-my-way crying. And my stomach feels sick, even with all the saltines I'm putting in it. It's so unfair that it's possible for the meds to give you all the same symptoms as pregnancy. After so many TWW's with no symptoms at all, I actually am not sure which is worse - having none, or having like EVERY POSSIBLE ONE at once - because neither actually means anything.

Now, maybe... MAYBE, it's possible that the reason I'm reacting so strongly is that in addition to the meds my body's actually also making a bunch of its own progesterone and estrogen because I am more-pregnanter than I was last time. Maybe I'm on serious progesterone overload. Maybe???

Anyway, to make matters more difficult, Kaitlin's mom is in the hospital. Apparently she has a pulmonary embolism that could be very dangerous, so now Kaitlin's talking about taking a road trip this weekend (it's a 5 hour drive there) to see her. I guess we'll find out more tonight and decide...

IVF#2 CD14 - Name Change and Other Developments

I was supposed to get an email from my new IVF coordinator today with instructions about Estrogen (and hopefully some idea of the dates I have to be in Greece) but didn't hear anything. Sent an email, but won't get a reply until probably early tomorrow morning because of the time difference. Here's hoping she gets in touch and we don't have another stressful period of silence...

I went to the bank today and finalized the transfer of 4800 Euro to the Greek clinic. Also hoping everything goes smoothly and that the 4800 is accepted, since that's what they originally quoted me.

I finally, finally got my IRS background check back for my name change. You know, the paperwork I started right after I got my BFP in December. So I took a long lunch yesterday and went to the county courthouse, about 20 minutes and 20 miles from work, to file the paperwork. Got it filed and paid my $120, only to be told that the judges were on lunch and if I wanted to wait, I could get it signed. I couldn't wait, because I had a meeting at work I had to get back to. They said okay, if I could get back by 4:30 I could get it signed then.

Drove back to work, went to the meeting. Left the meeting a little early so I'd have time to drive BACK to the courthouse, where first the lady told me the judges had closed at 4, then the other lady said she might be able to squeeze me in. Sat there for about 15 minutes and the court clerk called me upstairs - judge signed my petition. They set a review hearing for 5/22, so I have to go back then to have the final order issued.

Drove home with my paperwork, ready to send it off to the publisher in order to meet the 3-weeks-of-published-notice requirement. Realized when I got home that they gave me only one of the two documents I need. So now I have to find another day when I can either come in late or leave early so that I can go back to the courthouse, pick up the second document, and fulfill the publication requirement before I leave the country. Ugh. Really annoyed, because it means a lot of gas and time away from work, and the courthouse is only open during the times I'm supposed to be at work.

In the meantime, I got a phone call yesterday morning that my sister-in-law is pregnant. She and my brother have only been trying for about 6 months. And while I am happy for them - I truly am - and I know they're super excited and they deserve to be, I had to retreat into my own space for a while to process. Twenty five grand we've spent on this. Pills, injections, more doctors' visits than I can count, being probed and stabbed over and over again. Flights and hotel and wiring money and ordering meds overseas and traveling halfway around the world... finally, FINALLY getting pregnant only to lose the baby... and we're no closer to our baby now than we were fifteen months ago when we started all this.  Yet after six months, my brother and his wife get pregnant, easy as that.

I know the world isn't always fair. I know that just because we're struggling with infertility doesn't mean the rest of the world should have to. And I don't wish this awfulness and stress on anybody. But it does make me rage at the universe, a little. I want a baby so badly. I feel, though I know it's ridiculous and irrelevant, that surely we've "earned" pregnancy by now. Surely it should be our "turn". Surely the world should be more fair than this.

I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I was a bigger person. I wish I was graceful and kind and loving and generous and selfless. I want to be joyful and patient through all of this, to just sit back and enjoy the adventure, the mystery, the anticipation, the exotic foreign travel. Yet I'm mad, and I don't even have anyone to be mad AT.

But there is a silver lining. If this next round works my SIL and I can be pregnancy buddies... we can share our experiences throughout the stages of pregnancy, and have our babies at almost the same time, and end up with cousins super close in age. That would make for a fun time at family gatherings, since they'd have automatic playmates. I might even allow myself to believe, if this next round is successful, that that's how it was meant to be.... that maybe the REASON I miscarried, the reason we've had to wait so long, is because fate always meant for us to have babies at the same time.

It's just really hard to keep up hope right now. I'm so afraid of hoping. I'm so afraid of giving up. I'm so tired, tired, tired of the nonstop uncertainty. I'm afraid that all this fear is going to keep me from getting pregnant, in and of itself. Getting pregnant was supposed to be fun. Changing my name was supposed to be fun (it's high time I got rid of my ex's last name and moved on with my life.) Having my next book published was supposed to be fun, but somehow I think my skin has gotten thinner, because every negative comment is getting to me and they never used to before.  Not good. You can't be any sort of creative professional and be that sensitive.

My self-confidence is taking such a beating these last few days, and I just want to curl up and hide until it's over. I need something good to happen. I need some success to come at me and reassure me that I don't suck as a human being. Of course, I'd be more than content to continue to let the world keep beating me up in exchange for a sticky BFP this time.  I could take anything the world throws at me with a happy heart, if only I could just get pregnant again and get to keep it.

If I hadn't lost my baby, I'd be at nineteen weeks or so right now. Almost halfway there. It's hard to imagine. Is it normal that the more time goes by, the MORE you miss a baby that you were barely even pregnant with?

Anyway, I can't think about that for too long or I start crying again. Forward. Have to think forward. I will be in Greece in a week and a half or so. I'll have days to myself to loaf around a hotel, hopefully swim in a pool, read books, write, surf the internet, SLEEP - whatever I want. We have another chance, when I didn't think that we would for a long time. And nothing I do can change fate. I follow my med protocol, I get my butt to Greece, I show up to get my embryos, I stay healthy and hydrated and nutriented and restful. That's all I can do. The rest is just a roll of the dice and a prayer.

4WK6D - Lazy Day

A little more energy today, a little less soreness in the throat, somewhat more sleep last night than the night before. Still sick, but on the upswing. Feeling a little nauseous tonight but I'm still thinking it's the cold, not the pregnancy. Got a few small things done around the house, like putting away some laundry and emptying the dishwasher, but overall I've really spent most of the day sitting on the couch doing nothing and trying not to nap, since when I nap my insomnia kicks in at night.

I did have a really vivid, disturbing dream last night. Like, a pure EVIL dream. Disturbing enough that I woke up feeling sick, and suddenly feeling like I could kind of understand how ladies who have recurring nightmares while pregnant might become convinced that their unborn child was somehow demonic, because there was such evil going on in their dreams. It actually took me a while to calm down and remind myself that pregnancy does weird shit to one's brain. But ew yuck shudder ugh! I hope I don't have many more of those, because that was not fun at all.

Guess in a bizarre way it means so far, so good. Though I haven't taken a pregnancy test of any kind all weekend and, dumb though it might be, it makes me nervous not to have confirmation that baby(ies) is/are still in there.

Tomorrow I call the OB/GYN and see if I can set up an ultrasound appointment. Tomorrow will officially be five weeks. I'm trying to brace myself, as everything I've read says that morning sickness is coming soon. And honestly, with everything that's going on at work I don't know how I'm going to deal. My mom says morning sickness was really bad for her... and she was a stay at home mom, so she didn't have to try and balance it with work. I inherited her early menopause, so it makes sense to expect I'll inherit the sickness too. A little worried about how bad it might be.

We still haven't really told anyone, other than a vague "so far it's working, let's wait and see" kind of thing to a very few members of the family, the ones who knew what we were going to Greece for. I feel like saying something right now will jinx it. It still doesn't quite feel real. I think my boss is actually going to end up being the first to know because I'll need time off, maybe some work from home time, when the sickness hits.

If I'm still pregnant. Cause, you know, I haven't had a pee test to confirm it. And once I had the beta, well, the pee test feels inadequate. Now I want the blood test on a regular schedule just so I can be reassured that the numbers are still rising like they should. SIGH. Also, I want to BUY ALL THE BABY THINGS. Which is completely jumping the gun, since first of all I have less than no money, and second we are still in that super delicate time when this could turn out to be an early loss.

But I think I may not ever be able to fully trust this thing until I actually have a baby in my arms. And that's going to be a very, very long time away. I should probably just be focusing one one thing at a time right now... Like kicking this cold. That first.

4WK3D - Happy Christmas

Had a lovely Christmas with family this year. Got to FaceTime my youngest brother, who's currently in Laos, and our usual presents/family meal rituals went great. We got pies from Village Inn this year and they were much loved by all.


From left to right: Kaitlin, my youngest brother Caleb (via Facetime, because he's hanging out on the beach in Laos, lucky bastard), my dad, my sister-in-law Johanna, my middle brother Christian (Johanna's husband), me (plus tiny dog Cricket and even tinier invisible baby(ies)), my mom, Kaitlin's dad

Unfortunately I've felt sick all day, and it's progressively gotten worse. And I don't mean morning-sickness kind of sick, I mean sneezing, coughing, runny nose sick. It's combined with tiredness and nausea but I really can't tell whether it's part of being pregnant or just because I have a cold. Either way I feel really tired and have a bad sore throat right now, and really don't feel like going back to work tomorrow. I'm glad it will just be for one day before the weekend, though. I need a good long rest.

Hoping the beta tomorrow turns out okay. I'm kind of worried about what being sick could mean for the pregnancy. Sitting here drinking hot water with lemon and honey, because I can't really have tea or take decongestants... Hoping this bug blows over soon. Probably will post some pictures this weekend.

Merry Christmas, everybody. If all goes well, we'll have a little one with us by this time next year...

4WK2D - Positive Beta

Here's my test pic from this morning, using a digital test, which was the last one I had left:



Pretty clear "pregnant" result, so of course I was doing the happydance all the way to the doctor's office for my blood draw. I am kind of disappointed in my RE's office, now. Maybe it's just because all the ladies there didn't want to be working on Christmas Eve, but I really got the sense that they weren't all that happy for me and didn't really want to be working with me. It's been increasing over the last couple months, ever since I started working with the Greek clinic, and they're constantly (I mean, with every visit and every phone call) reminding me that "we're not your doctor anymore."

Which I find really annoying. But anyway, they emailed me the hcg beta results this afternoon:
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In case that's too hard to read, it's 190.1. According to their confusing little chart that seems really low for being around 4 weeks pregnant, which is where I'm at today.... so I was freaking out a little bit. But after a bit of googling and some reassurance from the nice ladies on the NW forum, it looks like my doctor's chart isn't terribly accurate, and 190 is a pretty average number for 17DPO (which is about where I am right now.)

The real test, then, and the next hurdle, is to do the test again on Friday - the day AFTER Christmas - and see if the number doubles like it's supposed to. And then we'll know if we have something viable. I am very very tentatively titling this post with my pregnancy progress date, but waiting until we get our second beta before really and truly rejoicing...

Symptoms today: still peeing like crazy, and (TMI) diarrhea. Spotting is mostly gone, very very faint. Also quite a bit of fatigue and maybe a tiny bit of nausea this afternoon. BUT, that being said, I also didn't sleep well last night... woke up at 1 in the morning with a very scratchy throat. I set up our humidifier and tried to go back to sleep, but the air in my lungs felt really cold and my throat hurt and I was hungry. Got up again, turned on the bedroom heater, went downstairs and ate a bit of cheese, then came back upstairs and continued to lay there without being able to sleep until probably 6 AM... which was right about the time my alarm went off. X.x

So some of what I'm feeling may be because I'm coming down with something. Currently drinking hot water with lemon and I'm going to try and nap for a while since I had a half day at work and Kaitlin's not home from her work shift yet. There are still quite a few things to do to be ready for Christmas tomorrow but right now I'm just too tired... let's see what happens with a little sleep. :)

Lost track of what CD we’re on

After three weeks of birth control, I went back to the RE office today for the moment of truth – an ultrasound to see if we’re ready to start again. It does look like my ovaries are “calm”, as the nurse put it. So they drew blood, and so long as my estrogen is low there will be no more birth control for me – that means my next cycle should start in a day or two and then we start our injections probably Sunday or Monday night.

It feels like everywhere on my facebook page, everywhere in my life, every single day working at my job, I see other people who have kids or who are having kids… sometimes multiple kids. And I can’t even get pregnant with one, even after $8000 and nine months of trying, even after weeks of injections and blood draws and ultrasounds.

So one of my brothers is in Europe today, on his year-long trip around the world. The other is in Hawaii, on his honeymoon. And I am sitting in the fertility clinic for the hundred jillionth time, just hoping that maybe I don’t have to take birth control tonight.

It feels so very, very unfair that I seem to be the only one who can’t have a baby. All my life I’ve been the mother figure to everyone else – to friends, to partners, to family, to the kids at the daycare center where I worked in high school, and even now, to the staff I supervise. People have always looked to me to lean on and help them solve their problems and give them affirmation and security and comfort. Yet they then move on to become real mothers themselves, and I can’t. My body is somehow broken. It feels so unfair I can barely stand it.

And I feel like such a selfish, ungracious, ugly person, because I’m making the happiness of others around me all about my own jealousy and unhappiness. I’m so sad. And, of course, I know that feeling jealous and depressed is only going to reduce my already pathetic fertility so that makes it worse.

So I’m not going to let my pity-party last for long. There’s just no good in it, and it doesn’t get me any closer to what I want. Sometime this week I’m going to go to Wells Fargo and sit down with a loan specialist, as they’re running a “sale” on their loans this month. I figure if I am going to have to take out an $11K loan to do the Greek trip I might as well do it now – we only have one more shot at the injectibles anyway, and then Greece is our last resort.

So I’ll let myself feel like crap today, but only for today ... because starting tomorrow, we gear up for another battle. 

In the meantime, a pic of Kaitlin and I at my brother's wedding:

IUI#5 CD26 10DPI – Today is not my day

I feel like I’m going to cry today. Super emotional, and of course it’s impossible to tell if that’s a pregnancy symptom or a PMS symptom because they’re both so similar.

Took a pregnancy test last night, and again this morning – both negative. Found out yesterday evening that Kaitlin’s contract ended, so she lost her job – thankfully my job is doing okay for now, but with that and Battlemoor coming up (I’m trying to be excited, really I am, but I’m just not feeling it…) and my brother getting married next month (they’re planning to start trying for kids right away) I’m feeling really depressed today.

It’s still really early – only 10DPI – so it’s entirely possible I could still get a positive test over the weekend or even into next week. But I am dreading spending Battlemoor on my period, with yet another failed cycle and $2200 on my credit card and another month of injections to look forward to with less income… I just feel like I could go home and cry my eyes out, but I can’t because I need to be here at work getting things done.

This work week has been insane; I’ve been hopping all day long, every day, with barely a minute to breathe, much less eat. I am exhausted and feeling kind of hopeless, like there’s really nothing to look forward to in the foreseeable future. I don’t have any vacation coming up; this next holiday weekend gets spent sitting around outside in the sun and the rain and the bugs with pretty much nothing to do, in uncomfortable clothes, just waiting for the event to be over… my brother’s wedding – while I am so happy for him and I love Johanna, my new sister in law, and am looking forward to being there for them on their really awesome day – I can’t help being frustrated. I want to be gracious and loving and just simply happy for my brother, and instead I feel so selfish and horrible.

Maybe I don’t deserve to be a mom??

Or maybe, and more likely, fate is just indifferent altogether. Women who don’t want and shouldn’t be having children have more than they know what to do with, while I can’t get pregnant with even one, not even after spending thousands of dollars trying.

I feel heartbroken and haven’t even gotten a BFN yet this cycle.

I can barely pay attention enough to answer questions from my boss. We’re shorthanded today at work. I am so depressed I can barely stand it, yet there’s nothing to do but keep marching on through the day.

One small glimmer of happiness is that my publisher set the publication date for my next book to March 2015. That’s much sooner than November, which is what they originally told me. It means I’ll have the book out in time for next year’s Pride. So I guess I do have something to look forward to, even if it’s seven months away. I’ll just have to hang on to that for now.

IUI#2 CD28 14DPI - BFN on the horizon, sigh

Negative test last night, another negative this morning. No sign of AF, but that's not surprising given the progesterone. I called this morning and made an appointment for Thursday morning, to have a blood test done. Not optimistic at this point, but at least it will confirm that I can stop taking the progesterone so AF will show up again. IUI#3, here we come!

In the meantime, I did manage to go walking for 30 minutes at lunch both yesterday and today. I also managed to eat only my dinner last night, without all the late night snacking I usually do. And, I'm trying to commit to drinking more water throughout the day... in the hopes that it will improve my overall health AND fertility for the next round.

This afternoon I have to meet up with my family after work and have a group dinner. There are three birthdays and Mother's Day that we're sort of wrapping up into one thing... I'm thinking about buying flowers for my mom, my aunt and my brother's girlfriend, and then buying something tongue-in-cheek manly for my brother - not sure what, though. A bouquet of food or something. :P Guess we'll see what's available...