25WK6D - Closing Out The Year

Starting this off with a belly pic from Christmas last week, which coincidentally fell on the same day as our 25-week milestone!

ACORNSQUASHBABY doesn't really roll off the tongue, but that's what the sticker says, LOL. In just a few more weeks, we're out of the second trimester and into the third. Things are starting to get REAL now, yo. :P I still get a lot of comments about how I don't look very pregnant yet - but I'm betting the third trimester's going to kick baby growth into a more obvious gear.

I've been feeling pretty good, overall. Lots of congestion, lots and lots of baby kicks - they're strong enough now that I can sit at work and watch my tummy bouncing <3 Still a little bit of nausea, but it's not bad. And sitting/lying down is awkward and uncomfortable, especially when I have a full stomach. I'm a little tired too, but energy levels are much better than they used to be. So overall, heading into the next few weeks doing pretty well. Our next appointment is on Monday, January 4th - I believe it's mostly a checkup and they do some sort of additional blood test, make sure baby is growing properly and all of that.

We had a really nice Christmas and I finally got to meet my tiny baby niece! Cricket (my little minpin) was fascinated. It's sure going to be interesting for her when our baby shows up, hehe~*

That's my dining room table all set up for Christmas. I am thinking next year, when we have a 8-9 month old, it may not look quite so polished so I better enjoy the memories while I can! Oh, and Kaitlin made the CUTEST Nutcracker-themed scratch-off card game - they looked a bit like lottery tickets - to reveal baby's gender to the family. There was only one "winning" card in the batch - everyone had to scratch off three gold seals to reveal little Nutcrackers (for a boy) and Sugar Plum Fairies (for a girl), and the person who got three matching symbols had the right answer. It was a ton of fun, and my mom was the one who got the winning card, so she got to announce the answer to the rest of the family. <3 I'm still not allowed to announce it on the blog or to friends yet, though, because Kaitlin wants to wait for our shower/gender reveal party that's probably going to be set for February. That feels like such a loooooong time to wait - I'm having an increasingly hard time keeping myself from slipping up as more and more people ask me how the pregnancy is going. :P

Anyway, today is the last day of 2015. And what a year it's been. The nightmare of miscarriage, returning to Greece twice, finally getting pregnant again, the misery of the first trimester, Kaitlin's dad passing away, drama at work, getting married in Vegas, and ending the year five months pregnant and anticipating what will likely be an even more chaotic 2016 :P

I realized this morning that I never did end up picking a OLW (One Little Word) for 2015. The miscarriage and subsequent attempts sapped my confidence quite a bit. Choosing an optimistic word felt presumptuous; choosing a determined word felt like more of a challenge than I had the strength for; and choosing a negative word felt like I'd be placing a curse on the rest of the year. But here we are, at the end of 2015, and I think now I can assign a Word to it - PERSEVERE.

Of all the words I can think of, that's the one that jumps out at me. It goes beyond "SURVIVE", which was all I could do those first few months. But it has a little more gravity than "SUCCEED" or "CELEBRATE," neither of which really capture the darker and more difficult things we've overcome this year. What I really need is a word that encapsulates the idea of "carrying on," of continuing to press forward and refusing to accept defeat even when hope is crushed. So PERSEVERE it is.

And for 2016? Right now I am thinking something along the lines of GROW, NURTURE, and/or EVOLVE. Something that captures the big changes that are going to be coming next year, and the idea of giving a fresh, strong, solid start to a new life - to our marriage, to this new little person we're adding to the world, and to my own life. I think there are probably a lot of applications to my work life, too - I have to take a 12-month break from my job, hope that things go smoothly in my absence, hope others don't use that time to sabotage what I've built here, and maybe even find a way to come back from it in a stronger, better, more valued position. Maternity leave is an opportunity, if I handle it right, to impress my bosses and staff and clients with how prepared I can be and how dedicated to the work I am - but has to be balanced with not making it *too* easy to absorb my absence, because it would be not-so-good if things ran so smoothly without me that it raised the question "What do we even need her for, anyway?"

I'm going to tackle those worries next week, though, and for now just think about getting through the rest of this year.

Now that Christmas and our wedding are checked off the to-do list, we've turned our attention to the next things needing attention: Kaitlin's name change (she changed it with social security and the DMV this week), getting her added to my medical insurance at work, getting her car and motorcycle sold and a more reliable (hopefully 4-door) car purchased, and getting nursery and other baby things squared away.

This week we found a gorgeous dresser and crib on Craigslist for only $100 - a third of what I was budgeting - and snapped it up. We are now the proud owners of this beautiful set of furniture:

We also picked up the jogging stroller/car seat combo we've been eyeing at Babies 'R Us:

And tomorrow we have an electrician coming to the house to run wiring and install a ceiling fan/light in both the nursery and the office, which is a project I have wanted to do for years. We've already started "photobashing" (digitally putting together a layout for the wall mural) and Kaitlin's doing the vectorizing to create the wall art; the "Small World" castle is pretty much done, and the "Europe" wall is next. This weekend I have to finish the photobashing(still have an "Islands" wall, an "Arctic" wall, and the "Asia/Africa/Americas" wall to plan out) in the hopes that Kaitlin will be able to vector it all during the week next week so we can start painting next weekend.

There are so many things we're going to need to get done, from remodeling the nursery closet to installing baby gates to planning the baby shower - not to mention that I really want to take some birthing classes, tour the hospital where baby will be born, and get maternity photos taken. It's a bit overwhelming, but at the same time I'm really looking forward to having so many exciting things to do.

Truthfully I'm a wee bit nervous, heading into New Year's, because of how horrible the New Year was for us last year. I know this baby and pregnancy are different - even if baby were to come early, at 26 weeks there'd still be a decent chance of survival. But I guess traumas get deep into our lizard brains sometimes and they're tough to shake. So taking a deep breath and trying to focus on all the stuff there is to look forward to, and not think too much about scary what-ifs.

It's going to be a good year. *fistpump*

TWENTY-FOUR WEEKS

On our 23-week milestone last week, there was no blog post, because we were in Las Vegas,  busy doing this:

We are officially, legally married! We just need our marriage certificate from vital records, which we had to wait ten days before we can send away for it. But, once we have it in hand, Kaitlin will begin the process of changing her last name, and I will begin the process of getting her added to my medical insurance.

In the meantime, some sadness got mixed in: Kaitlin's father passed away the day before we left for our Vegas trip. So while we had a lovely mini-vacation of seeing the sights and eating good food and generally taking a break from regular life, the moment we got back we were swept back up in a whirlwind of to-dos, including attending his memorial, doing some cleaning at his house, and so on. This weekend will be entirely consumed with Christmas preparations, since I don't even have our tree up yet or any presents wrapped. 

There was also a day of stressing where we realized the CD of our wedding photos was unreadable in any of our computers, and we had to email the chapel and ask them to upload the pictures someplace where we could get them. Thankfully the chapel owner took care of that for us the day after I emailed her, and we were able to spend a bit of time editing the pictures into a photobook and ordering big canvas prints for our wall (really looking forward to getting them.)

So on the list for this weekend includes putting up Christmas decorations, a bunch of Christmas-prep shopping and cleaning, and wrapping gifts. Kaitlin's going to have a pretty significant honey-do list for the work week, too, since she's off work for the schools' Christmas break. But, once Christmas is past, we'll get to refocus a little - taking care of her car/motorcycle sale and working on the nursery, mostly.

Baby seems to be doing just fine, still alternating between quiet times and wiggle times, and still sapping my energy at a much faster rate than I'm used to. Also, it's pretty much impossible now to have a full stomach AND baby AND enough room to take a full lungful of air, so I'm finding myself very short of breath after I eat. I still don't get to eat full meals, either - I get acid reflux once my stomach gets too full, so I'm having to eat until I'm *just* uncomfortable, wait a few hours, and then eat some more. Means I'm pretty much always hungry even when my tummy won't hold any more.

We'll try to take a 24-week belly shot tonight, but for now I'll just leave you with our 23-week "wedding special edition." <3

TWELVE WEEKS

We've made it to twelve weeks, ya'all!!!! Just a few more days to go until we hit the end of the first trimester. On one hand it feels like it went by quickly, probably because I was so sick I didn't have much time to really think about anything else. On the other hand, it's felt like the sickness would NEVER END, so I'm really hopeful that soon we'll be moving into a much more fun stage of pregnancy.

Today is a really busy day. For the first time in weeks, I'm feeling better - an okay balance between being tired and queasy, something that's pretty manageable. So the plan is to start doing a couple of five-minute walks during the work day, and slowly increase that until I'm getting in a good half hour of activity daily. I am so horribly out of shape now that I get winded just walking from my car to my office, and it doesn't feel very good. I'm looking forward to getting back to a more fit and oxygen-efficient state, hehe.

I am going to spend my lunch break getting a hair cut, because my hair has been growing a lot faster in the past few weeks and I'm starting to look a wee bit That-70's-Show-ish.

Tasks on the list today include finding and sending an initial inquiry to a maternity photographer (done); printing the legal documents Kaitlin and I are going to have signed this weekend (done); sending an initial inquiry to the Vegas wedding chapel about our elopement ceremony (done); calling my bank to make a notary appointment for tomorrow, and calling the 4D ultrasound place here in town to buy a scan package and make our gender-determination-scan appointment. By the time we go in for the scan we should already have the Harmony results back, but it will still be fun to confirm via an actual peek at the goods!

Also, while the doctor yesterday confirmed I've only gained one pound so far, I definitely am in need of some maternity basics - namely a more comfortable bra and a pair of jeans I don't have to wear unbuttoned. That's also on the list for this weekend, along with a trip to the bank to take care of my name change, sell back our unused Euro, get our documents notarized and get some checks for Kaitlin for her account, and I really have to sit down and get some progress accomplished on the SCA sewing project.

In case you can't tell, my energy level today is so, so, SO much better than it has been in weeks and weeks, and it's a great feeling. Hoping this is a sign that either the Diclegis has finally hit its stride and/or the morning sickness is on its way out.

I'll have an updated baby bump pic to post tomorrow, but for now here's what BabyCenter says baby looks like today. We actually got to see those little skinny legs stretching, and one of those little precious hands, at the ultrasound yesterday <3

6WK4D - Relief

Kaitlin scanned the picture of our little embryo ultrasound for me last night, so I can finally post it. The pic shows the whole gestational sac (the teardrop shaped dark space) with the yolk sac (the round white outline) and the fetal pole (the sort of vertical white mass on the left of the yolk sac). Right now it's so early that the yolk sac is sustaining the baby... in fact, my pregnancy book entry for yesterday informed us that the baby's future sperm or eggs will actually be formed in the yolk sac and pass to the baby's body a little later - so weird! Anyway, eventually the yolk sac and gestational sac end up turning into the placenta as the little shrimp grows bigger.

Here's what BabyCenter says a six-week embryo looks like. See what I mean about being a little shrimp?

Maybe it’s just the high after getting to see that tiny heartbeat yesterday, but I kind of feel like all that anxiety and worry I was dealing with has melted away. I feel calm and certain that things are going to be okay. I know there’s still risk and that it’s still very early, but somehow I just feel a million times better.

Yetserday was the first day of truly serious nausea. I’d say on a scale of 1-10, about a 5… but it was persistent and would NOT go away for pretty much the entire day. I finished my entire stash of Saltines at work, and had a huge craving for red meat by the time I got home (I usually don’t like red meat very much) so we went out for a celebratory dinner and I had steak.  Thankfully the nausea wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t keep food down (it has to be really, really bad, because my stomach is stubborn about holding on to its contents) but the driving and walking and such really were not fun. Also, the smell of my dog’s litter box and the cats’ litter boxes was driving me nuts last night.

This morning, I bought a decaf coffee and a chocolate muffin at the little cafeteria at work… but the muffin tastes fishy. Like, literally, it tastes like fish. I’m hungry so I’m trying to eat small bits at least, but I don’t think I’m going to get through much of it because chocolate fish tasting muffin is so not delicious. I have no idea if this is because of the pregnancy, or because the café downstairs isn’t the classiest of joints.  SIGH. I’ll need to spend my lunch break at the store getting more work groceries. So far it appears that what my body wants is red meat and greens. Lots and lots of greens. I actually sat on the couch the other night just stuffing salad leaves straight from the bag into my face. O.o At least it’s healthy, I guess??

Let’s see, what else… my lower back was aching last night after we took a shower. Still having some blood pressure issues, but they weren’t as bad yesterday because the weather was cooler.  Boobs still sore, still getting up in the middle of the night to pee.  Super tired today, but that’s mostly because I didn’t sleep well last night (Kaitlin kept tossing and turning, which kept me from being able to sleep, which is probably also the reason why I feel irritable this morning…)

My name’s been changed at work, and in our state systems now, so there’s really only a few things left to update – bank accounts, the house title, my passport, and various other bits. I’ll need to order more work business cards and have them redo the sign outside my office. But otherwise I am well on the way to starting a whole different kind of life. Kaitlin and I are starting to talk about our Vegas elopement, too, which looks like it will probably be November-ish.

It’s shaping up to be a very busy next few months, with an SCA project I’ve been asked to complete by mid-November and Kaitlin switching to a new teaching position and a ton of other projects, big and small, that are going to need attention. But it’s exciting, too, because now that our little one is really and truly in existence and on the way, life is going to start snowballing forward over the next few months. So excited!

Kaitlin shared this hilarious little video with me on Facebook yesterday and I thought other pregnant cat-lovers out there would appreciate it:

IVF#3 2DP3DT - Home Sweet Home

loooooong trip home yesterday! Fairly uneventful, though, as traveling goes. We took a taxi to he airport, had a ten hour flight to Philly, a three and a half hour layover, and another near-four hour flight to get home, where a friend was kind enough to pick us up. Oh, the luxury of sleeping in our own (soft) bed, with my own (soft and plump) pillow!! Today we are taking it easy, unpacking and driving the 2 hours down to my mom's house to retrieve my dog, and taking care of other odds and ends. Tomorrow, back to work.

Not feeling a whole lot in terms of symptoms, still peeing a bunch and have that low, achy tummy feeling like I did before the transfer, as if my uterus is swollen. :P But that's about it. Still really trying to think positively, though seems like that gets just a little harder every day. So much disappointment over the last year and a half makes it hard to hold faith that this time will be different.

Even though I kind of think it will?

Because we had three day embryos this time, the TWW feels longer. Like, today is the day we would have had the transfer if we'd had 5-day embryos. And it really won't make sense to start taking tests until Sundayish, which is about the equivalent of 9 DPO... And still early for testing. So that means getting through today, two days back at work, and one day of weekend, probably just to get a negative test the first few times. :P the TWW always makes me feel like a little kid again. remember when, as a child, an hour was FOREVER... And two weeks might as well be an eternity? As you age time seems to go by faster, or maybe there's just more perspective so it seems more fleeting. Not during the TWW, though. It feels like you've hit the slow-mo button on life's remote, and the next two weeks will take a jillion years.

Interestingly, while TTC-ers are agonizing over the will-it-or-won't-it wait, those little embryos are working like tiny energizer bunnies, fighting for their little lives by trying to grow big enough to attach to the uterine wall before they run out of steam. For them every moment probably feels like the ticking of a bomb, passing way too fast... And we hopeful mommies are only agonizing because we have no way of knowing how they're doing in there, and so very few things we can do to help them. Sigh. If only there was a way to get a status report each day of their progress. My uterus needs email, lol...

"Good morning, expectant mother. We have some good news and some bad news this morning; overnight Embryo #3 arrested, and is sadly no longer viable. However, Embryos #1 and #2 have reached blastocyst stage, and are expected to hatch sometime today. And Embryo #4, though a bit behind the others, is performing surprisingly well, and may reach blastocyst before close of business this afternoon. Please continue timely medicine delivery. The next update is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8:00 AM sharp."

Would sure be nice.

Anyway, going to really start pushing my name change tomorrow. Have to change it at the bank, and on all my utilities, and most importantly get those IT guys at work to give me my new email address so I can start using it full time there. So, project for the TWW...

IVF#3 CD5 - This Will Be Our Month

I've been avoiding blogging much lately. It's too easy, when I'm actively blogging, to be reminded of all the unfulfilled hope we've encountered so far... too easy to focus on unknowns and start angsting. I've been trying something different this time around, and every time an "is this round going to fail too" thought comes into my head, I've been repeating "this one will work, this one will work.". To the point where I kind of actually believe it.

The odds are way, way in our favor at this point. Our clinic has a 70% success rate - it worked the first time, but we miscarried. It didn't work the second time. Statistics say this should be the one. And things this round are going a lot more similarly to our first round, where we got SO close. For the second round I was on Lupron for ages before finally getting permission to start the estrogen. But this time, I've only been on it for eleven days, and they're having me start estrace today. I just have a better feeling about it, overall.

So here's a sum-up since my last post: We started Lupron on the 21st. Compared to the heparin shots, the lupron is actually pretty painless (in spite of my ongoing fear of needles.) My period started on the 28th, later than I expected. I had an ultrasound on the 30th (CD3) and my lining is just over 5mm. The doctor in Greece says that's good, so as of today I start the estrogen regimen - one pill for two days, two pills for two days, three pills for three days, and then four pills until transfer - usually another 4-5 days out. I have to go in for another ultrasound on 7/8, next Wednesday.

Though they don't have exact travel dates yet, that puts us in Greece around the second/third week of July -- that's in two weeks! And I just keep telling myself that we're going to Greece to pick up our babies and bring them home. That this one is going to be our month. Due date would be in April - I like that.

I went to the baby shower that I was nervous about. I think the best way to describe how I felt being there was happy and wistful. I did get to hold the tiny baby, who was so sweet and precious, and my friend asked whether we were going to be trying for a baby soon. I managed not to launch a huge me-me-me conversation (I think) so yay for that. :P And other than twinges of envy over the cute nursery and precious baby, I was actually pretty darn okay - happy to be there, to get to hold the baby and share in my friends' joy for their newborn. I had a good time AND my friend even suggested, when she handed me her baby to hold for a little bit, that he would be a good luck charm for us. ♥ Here's hoping!

We've been saving HARD and will have just JUST enough for this third attempt without having to float much on a credit card, I think. I've decided that if my intuition is wrong and this isn't it for us either, I'll be spending the next six months or so, while we save up for another go, on SlimFast and the Couch to 5K program, to try and drop the 15 pounds or so that I've gained over the last two years from all the meds. I know I'll feel better, overall, if I can get my body back into shape during the break - the weight gain certainly hasn't helped when it comes to the frustrations of this whole process.

In the meantime, though, my name change has been submitted at work and I'm just waiting for a new email, new network login, etc. so I can announce it to pretty much everybody and start using it. I won't change it on my passport, bank account or credit cards until after we get  back from Greece, though, since I don't want there to be any issues while we're traveling.

And of course I can't not mention that last Friday, 6/26/15, the Supreme Court mandated that all of the United States MUST allow same-sex couples to marry. Colorado has already been issuing licenses for about six months, but this is just huge. Our plan was always to elope after I got pregnant, and after the baby was born spend a little time saving up (and I could get back into wedding-dress shape) so we could throw a wedding. But if this next round doesn't work, I think we'll probably talk about doing the elopement anyway - it won't be nearly as expensive, I don't think, if we don't travel out of state for it. And then Kaitlin can change her name too ^~ Not to mention the medical benefits!

It's good to have a contingency plan. But for now I'm going to keep chanting it: This Will Be Our Month. This Will Be Our Month. I even wrote it on a bit of paper and taped it to my computer monitor at work ...

I Would Die For That

Someone posted this song on the NorthWest Andrology forums and I basically had to close my office door and take a moment to bawl my eyes out. This is basically my heart song at the moment.

So not a whole lot of exciting updates right now. We were supposed to go hiking for my birthday, but after driving the three hours into the mountains it turned out that the trail was flooded due to all the rain and they wouldn't let us up. So we kept going into Glenwood Springs instead, and went to the Glenwood Cavern Adventure Park. It cost a lot more than what I was planning to spend on my birthday, but we did have a good time - took a cave tour, and rode a couple of the rides, and generally just acted goofy.

Since the hiking trail we planned for today was closed, we're on a team headed for Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park instead. Kaitlin is very excited.

A photo posted by Meg (@meghannmccall) on Jun 14, 2015 at 11:12am PDT

Also confirmed that we start Lupron on the 21st, which is this coming Sunday. Pride is this weekend, and I'll be there at a booth with my books and some of the other authors from my publishing house. It should be a good time, even if I do have to start getting shots again. I got my updated social security card, and went to the DMV last week, but haven't gotten my new driver's license in the mail yet - once that comes in I can actually start changing my name on everything, especially at work. Since work is where I spend the vast majority of my life, I think it will feel a lot more like a "real" change once I'm able to use my name there...

Anyway, we're doing okay in terms of savings for our third round. Trying to think positive... the odds are that it should really, really work this time. But it's also hard to think about what we'll do next if it doesn't. Since thinking about getting pregnant is way more fun, I'm trying to focus on dreaming about that instead. But dreaming is dangerous. *Sigh* Still, I only have two choices: spend the next few weeks anxious, or spend them excited. Neither one will have any effect on the outcome, most likely, but they'll have a big effect on our quality of life.

So, excited it is. :P

I have a baby shower to attend for a friend next weekend. I'm halfway SUPER excited, and halfway nervous. On the one hand, I get to hold a tiny baby (SQUEE) and see my friends and congratulate them. On the other (insert major selfishness) they have a baby and I don't, and I am jealous. I have a big mouth, and it's going to be really hard to not blurt out to everybody that we're trying to have a baby too and it's been so hard and expensive and taken so much time and wah, wah, wah, me, me, me when it's THEIR party for their new little family. So I'm doing my best to focus on being happy for THEM (because I am!) without making it about myself.

So yeah... that's where we're at right now. Lupron, then the start of my next AF, then another $500 ultrasound / bloodwork, then weeks more of Lupron while we wait for Embio to tell us when we should plan to be there and when the transfer date will be... waiting and waiting and more waiting...

IVF Barbie, Not Giving Up And Other Fun

Found this post today that made me laugh: IVF Barbie

I definitely remember being Newbie Barbie, and Joiner Barbie too. And I am reminded, as I stare down my 36th birthday this month, my pregnant friends and family, friends with newborns, and pictures of babies all over my facebook feed, that technically I haven't actually reached full on Veteran Barbie status yet. I've gained weight from all the meds - about 15 pounds - and I do have some gray hair (which I keep colored.) My poor tummy has had its moments of bruises and puncture marks so bad that it looks diseased. But in the grand scheme of things, I've got time. So many folks on various boards are 38, 40, 42 and are still trying. Even if I decided to try up until my 40th birthday I'd still have four more years of attempts left. So far I've done 4 ICIs, 3 Clomid IUIs, 3 injectable IUIs, transferred five donor embryos, made two trips to Greece, and endured one six week miscarriage. That's actually only twelve cycles, total, even if they were spread out over the course of five years. Pretty sure there are an awful lot of veteran ladies who would shake their heads at all my angst and think "Girl, you ain't seen nothing yet."

And though I eye my bank account, our budgets, and the HELOC slapped against my house, the truth is that four years is a good long time. I could pay the entire HELOC off almost twice over in that time. So if a July attempt doesn't work and we have to take a 7-8 month break, is it really that big of a deal?

The same blogger has another post that really hit home: When Is It Time To Stop Trying?

I will admit, I've had moments of "Why am I even doing this? Maybe all this failure is a sign from the universe that I am not meant to be a mom. Should I be investing this energy into acceptance of a childfree life?"

And then I feel guilty. If I'm considering giving up, then I must not want it badly enough. Quitters are just people who aren't adequately motivated, aren't they? It's hard not to believe, in my weakest and most discouraged moments, that there really is some entity outside myself - the universe, fate, God - that is actively denying me a baby. The really ironic thing is that no one's actually SAID that to me, but I have this overwhelming suspicion that if the rest of the world knew everything we'd done up to this point to try and get pregnant, they'd all be thinking it... "Sheesh, obviously you're not meant to be a mom, get over it." I am projecting my own mean little inner voice onto my friends and family, the assumption that they would all dismiss my repeated failures as God's plan for my life.

And I know that this comes from my childhood, the way that I was raised in an ultra-religious bubble and taught to be judgy and condescending and superior when others were going through crises. Must be God's plan for your life, dear, be content with it...

It's those naysaying thoughts... the idea that a higher power wants to prevent me from being a mom, combined with the guilt that entertaining that thought means I don't want this badly enough, that are probably the most powerful depressants in this whole infertility war. And they battle it out with the  surviving vestiges of my NewbieBarbie self, who is still stubbornly popping up in the corner (albeit her glitter makeup is starting to look a little worse for wear) and cheerily shouting "Baby dust! Power of positive thinking! If I can do it so can you! Success stories! Pregnancy magic! Still plenty of time and money, where there's a will there's a way! Winners never quit!"

I wish there was a way I could live as NewbieBarbie. Literally choose not to acknowledge failure, to keep my eye on the prize with confidence every second of the day, spread nothing but encouragement and positivity, and live my life in between cycles with joy and carefreeness and the certainty that my baby's coming eventually. There are a few people in this world who are able to live that way. My inner judgy self usually decides they're ditzes. So unconnected with reality, maddeningly lost in fantasy, irresponsible, taking each day as it comes and never concerning themselves with how it will affect tomorrow. Romantical and ridiculous. Today I envy them. Today I think there's something I could probably learn from that kind of attitude.

In other news, my new name is now on file with the DMV. Waiting to get my social security and DMV cards in the mail, and then I can change my name here at work and on all my other stuff...

Oh, and I still haven't heard back from the Greek clinic to confirm when I'm supposed to start Lupron injections. Finally just went ahead and emailed the doctor today. Hopefully that will get me an answer...

I'll Have A New Name Tomorrow

Barring any unexpected court objections, by tomorrow afternoon I will legally have a new name. That means today is my last day of living with my ex's last name. Kind of sad that I've now had her last name for longer than the period of time we were even married...

I always disliked the last name I was born with, and was so excited to change my name when I married my ex. One of the things that felt the most jarring about the dissolution of our relationship was that now not only did it feel like the life I had planned for myself was gone, but I didn't even really feel at home in my own name anymore. And I've continued to live with that name for the last three and a half years, partly because changing one's name is a pain in the ass, and partly because I didn't have any idea what I would choose for a name instead, as I really didn't want to go back to my birth name.

At the same time, I really don't want to take anybody else's name for my own ever again. While I am confident that Kaitlin and I are going to have a lasting marriage, the name change process is long and annoying, and I've learned that there's something about taking someone else's name that sort of ties your identity to another person, and I didn't really like that. Also, Kaitlin's last name starts with a "P", and my birth last name started with a "P", and one of the reasons I was so excited to replace my birth name was because I grew up as "Meghann P" (there were five other Megan's in my elementary school) and as you can imagine, the kids weren't always so nice about that and I hated the way it sounded.

So what Kaitlin and I decided is that my birth middle name (which was my Irish/Scottish great-grandmother's  maiden name) will be my last name, and after we get married she'll be taking that name for her last name too. And I decided to use the name we've picked out for a daughter as my middle name (in case we never have a daughter, I still just love the name so much and want to be able to use it somewhere.)

As of tomorrow, then, I will have a very very VERY Irish name. And can begin the process of changing all my work and legal and financial stuff over.

The last time I changed my name it was a complete thrill. I was so, so excited. This time it feels more somber, somehow. Less giddy, but also like a burden's being lifted. I also sold my engagement ring, the one I had with my ex, on Ebay this week. Mailed it off yesterday. My old wedding band is up on Ebay too, and the money I get from both is going into our TTC account for July's attempt.  And just a couple weeks ago, I gave my old wedding dress to Goodwill. So it feels a little bit like this name change is wrapping up the last vestiges of my old life. I really am moving on into a fresh beginning - I guess it adds a little bit of irrational hope that maybe if I close the door on all that it will encourage fate to give me a baby, to open a new door? I realize that's silly, but I guess it's my inner self trying to bargain with the universe, in a way.

I had originally planned to get pregnant, then do the name change, then Kaitlin and I would elope, and when baby arrived he/she would be born into our new family name. When I got pregnant in December I started the name change process. Though our baby didn't make it, it seemed like a waste not to follow through with the name change, since the process costs money up front for the background checks. So it's with mixed emotions that I go off to my hearing tomorrow. On the one hand, I'm really happy to be moving on with at least one part of my life. On the other, the plan was always that by the time I got to my name change hearing I'd be pregnant, but there won't be any baby with me tomorrow.

Had a dream last night that we were awakened by a baby crying down the hall, and Kaitlin got up and went down there to check in on the room that we plan for the nursery... and I had this huge sense of happiness that oh my gosh, we are parents after all. I think a part of me knew it was a dream, but I really didn't want to wake up.

Here's hoping that the third try will be a charm, and July's attempt will finally FINALLY be our month.

IVF#2 CD22 Almost There

This week has been insanity.

First off, until I started my estrogen, I was experiencing all kinds of side effects from the Lupron that I didn't the first round - primarily hot flashes and insomnia. Once I started taking the estrogen, those have mostly subsided. Now I am just dizzy and exhausted. Starting to get back to that point where I have to pee a lot, too. Feeling bloaty. Sleeping like the dead, though, as if my body's trying to make up for all it missed in the last few weeks, so getting out of bed in the morning is nigh on to painful.

We're practicing, every night, to work me up to being able to give myself the injection. Kaitlin fills one of our used syringes with water and I stab it repeatedly into a dog toy. Still dreading stabbing myself, but hoping if the angle, hand position, and all of that gets to be familiar it will be slightly less scary. Kaitlin has a thing to do tonight and won't be home until late, so I *might* just test to see if I can do it myself tonight. We'll see. Right now if I think about it too hard it gives me shudders.

I bought my plane tickets and hotel. I wired the fee to the Greek bank. I'm working my ASS off at work trying to get things settled for my leave - thankfully my boss is being really awesome about it and I am SO grateful. Naturally, this is the week that everything has decided to blow up. I had to fire a person last Friday, for the first time ever, so we're short handed. Now I'm trying to interview a temporary replacement and do onboarding, plan ahead for onboarding of another new person whose first day is the first day of my leave (ack), trying to prep my staff and my boss to be able to take over all the different irons-in-the-fire that are going on. I still haven't made a packing list, or gone to the bank to buy Euros, or been able to make it to the courthouse to pick up my name change paperwork.

On the plus side: we cleaned out the garage this weekend and it damn near sparkles. Oh, it makes me happy to come home from work and open up that garage door and see things neatly stacked and hung and a swept floor and everything looking orderly and groomed. *happysigh* I have an ultrasound appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning - it'll be pricey, but the last one before I get to Greece. Planning on swinging past the courthouse on my way into work afterword, and picking up that name change paper. I spend the weekend packing, doing my bank run, and generally making sure I have everything I need to leave. Oh, and trying to prep my sleep schedule to minimize jet lag, if I can.

Here's the fun part. Kaitlin drops me off at the airport at 10 PM on Sunday. My flight leaves just past midnight, and drops me at JFK at approximately 4 AM our time. I have a 10 hour layover, then back on the plane at 2 PM our time and off the plane at 9:30 AM Athens time (which is approximately midnight here.) I'll be in Athens for a week, and back on the plane the following Monday.

Still don't know what day the transfer is happening. Praying that our donor has good eggs, that we get at least two good embryos, that everything goes smoothly and that I don't get kidnapped and murdered while I'm traveling alone. O.o Oh, and that I can stomach (ha, ha) giving myself the injections.

Added the cost of all our latest stuff to the costs page and we've hit the $29K mark. I must really, really want this. I sure do hope it works this round.

Right now I'm so tired and things are so crazy that all I can really focus on is the next thing on my to-do list. I know I'm going to be super bored while I'm there, but right now I'm really looking forward to at least the first day or two of nothing-to-do!

IVF#2 CD14 - Name Change and Other Developments

I was supposed to get an email from my new IVF coordinator today with instructions about Estrogen (and hopefully some idea of the dates I have to be in Greece) but didn't hear anything. Sent an email, but won't get a reply until probably early tomorrow morning because of the time difference. Here's hoping she gets in touch and we don't have another stressful period of silence...

I went to the bank today and finalized the transfer of 4800 Euro to the Greek clinic. Also hoping everything goes smoothly and that the 4800 is accepted, since that's what they originally quoted me.

I finally, finally got my IRS background check back for my name change. You know, the paperwork I started right after I got my BFP in December. So I took a long lunch yesterday and went to the county courthouse, about 20 minutes and 20 miles from work, to file the paperwork. Got it filed and paid my $120, only to be told that the judges were on lunch and if I wanted to wait, I could get it signed. I couldn't wait, because I had a meeting at work I had to get back to. They said okay, if I could get back by 4:30 I could get it signed then.

Drove back to work, went to the meeting. Left the meeting a little early so I'd have time to drive BACK to the courthouse, where first the lady told me the judges had closed at 4, then the other lady said she might be able to squeeze me in. Sat there for about 15 minutes and the court clerk called me upstairs - judge signed my petition. They set a review hearing for 5/22, so I have to go back then to have the final order issued.

Drove home with my paperwork, ready to send it off to the publisher in order to meet the 3-weeks-of-published-notice requirement. Realized when I got home that they gave me only one of the two documents I need. So now I have to find another day when I can either come in late or leave early so that I can go back to the courthouse, pick up the second document, and fulfill the publication requirement before I leave the country. Ugh. Really annoyed, because it means a lot of gas and time away from work, and the courthouse is only open during the times I'm supposed to be at work.

In the meantime, I got a phone call yesterday morning that my sister-in-law is pregnant. She and my brother have only been trying for about 6 months. And while I am happy for them - I truly am - and I know they're super excited and they deserve to be, I had to retreat into my own space for a while to process. Twenty five grand we've spent on this. Pills, injections, more doctors' visits than I can count, being probed and stabbed over and over again. Flights and hotel and wiring money and ordering meds overseas and traveling halfway around the world... finally, FINALLY getting pregnant only to lose the baby... and we're no closer to our baby now than we were fifteen months ago when we started all this.  Yet after six months, my brother and his wife get pregnant, easy as that.

I know the world isn't always fair. I know that just because we're struggling with infertility doesn't mean the rest of the world should have to. And I don't wish this awfulness and stress on anybody. But it does make me rage at the universe, a little. I want a baby so badly. I feel, though I know it's ridiculous and irrelevant, that surely we've "earned" pregnancy by now. Surely it should be our "turn". Surely the world should be more fair than this.

I wish I was a stronger person. I wish I was a bigger person. I wish I was graceful and kind and loving and generous and selfless. I want to be joyful and patient through all of this, to just sit back and enjoy the adventure, the mystery, the anticipation, the exotic foreign travel. Yet I'm mad, and I don't even have anyone to be mad AT.

But there is a silver lining. If this next round works my SIL and I can be pregnancy buddies... we can share our experiences throughout the stages of pregnancy, and have our babies at almost the same time, and end up with cousins super close in age. That would make for a fun time at family gatherings, since they'd have automatic playmates. I might even allow myself to believe, if this next round is successful, that that's how it was meant to be.... that maybe the REASON I miscarried, the reason we've had to wait so long, is because fate always meant for us to have babies at the same time.

It's just really hard to keep up hope right now. I'm so afraid of hoping. I'm so afraid of giving up. I'm so tired, tired, tired of the nonstop uncertainty. I'm afraid that all this fear is going to keep me from getting pregnant, in and of itself. Getting pregnant was supposed to be fun. Changing my name was supposed to be fun (it's high time I got rid of my ex's last name and moved on with my life.) Having my next book published was supposed to be fun, but somehow I think my skin has gotten thinner, because every negative comment is getting to me and they never used to before.  Not good. You can't be any sort of creative professional and be that sensitive.

My self-confidence is taking such a beating these last few days, and I just want to curl up and hide until it's over. I need something good to happen. I need some success to come at me and reassure me that I don't suck as a human being. Of course, I'd be more than content to continue to let the world keep beating me up in exchange for a sticky BFP this time.  I could take anything the world throws at me with a happy heart, if only I could just get pregnant again and get to keep it.

If I hadn't lost my baby, I'd be at nineteen weeks or so right now. Almost halfway there. It's hard to imagine. Is it normal that the more time goes by, the MORE you miss a baby that you were barely even pregnant with?

Anyway, I can't think about that for too long or I start crying again. Forward. Have to think forward. I will be in Greece in a week and a half or so. I'll have days to myself to loaf around a hotel, hopefully swim in a pool, read books, write, surf the internet, SLEEP - whatever I want. We have another chance, when I didn't think that we would for a long time. And nothing I do can change fate. I follow my med protocol, I get my butt to Greece, I show up to get my embryos, I stay healthy and hydrated and nutriented and restful. That's all I can do. The rest is just a roll of the dice and a prayer.