TWENTY-FOUR WEEKS

On our 23-week milestone last week, there was no blog post, because we were in Las Vegas,  busy doing this:

We are officially, legally married! We just need our marriage certificate from vital records, which we had to wait ten days before we can send away for it. But, once we have it in hand, Kaitlin will begin the process of changing her last name, and I will begin the process of getting her added to my medical insurance.

In the meantime, some sadness got mixed in: Kaitlin's father passed away the day before we left for our Vegas trip. So while we had a lovely mini-vacation of seeing the sights and eating good food and generally taking a break from regular life, the moment we got back we were swept back up in a whirlwind of to-dos, including attending his memorial, doing some cleaning at his house, and so on. This weekend will be entirely consumed with Christmas preparations, since I don't even have our tree up yet or any presents wrapped. 

There was also a day of stressing where we realized the CD of our wedding photos was unreadable in any of our computers, and we had to email the chapel and ask them to upload the pictures someplace where we could get them. Thankfully the chapel owner took care of that for us the day after I emailed her, and we were able to spend a bit of time editing the pictures into a photobook and ordering big canvas prints for our wall (really looking forward to getting them.)

So on the list for this weekend includes putting up Christmas decorations, a bunch of Christmas-prep shopping and cleaning, and wrapping gifts. Kaitlin's going to have a pretty significant honey-do list for the work week, too, since she's off work for the schools' Christmas break. But, once Christmas is past, we'll get to refocus a little - taking care of her car/motorcycle sale and working on the nursery, mostly.

Baby seems to be doing just fine, still alternating between quiet times and wiggle times, and still sapping my energy at a much faster rate than I'm used to. Also, it's pretty much impossible now to have a full stomach AND baby AND enough room to take a full lungful of air, so I'm finding myself very short of breath after I eat. I still don't get to eat full meals, either - I get acid reflux once my stomach gets too full, so I'm having to eat until I'm *just* uncomfortable, wait a few hours, and then eat some more. Means I'm pretty much always hungry even when my tummy won't hold any more.

We'll try to take a 24-week belly shot tonight, but for now I'll just leave you with our 23-week "wedding special edition." <3

22WK3D - I am an auntie!

I didn't get to blog on our 22-week milestone on Friday because it was a bit of a whirlwind of a day. We had our big anatomy ultrasound appointment - baby is measuring about 1 lb 3 oz so far, with all body parts and organs accounted for and growing like they should, and a nice strong little heartbeat - we even got to see the little face. <3 I'm waiting for Kaitlin to scan our ultrasound pics in so I can share them, but in the meantime, here's the 22-week baby bump pic:

 

So far I've gained about 10 pounds. The bump still only shows when I wear certain clothes - most of my shirts and jackets are too loose to make it very noticeable. I definitely notice when I'm sitting or trying to lie down, though. Feels like all my insides are being squished and it's hard to breathe. I've had a really hard time sleeping this past week, even with my usual 1/4 to 1/2 of an Ambien pill. I think that's also due to all the stuff we have going on - everything from work, to our Vegas elopement this week <3 and all the preparations, to Kaitlin's sister who's staying with us and the whole situation with Kaitlin's dad, to money issues and saving for another car and still trying to find time to post her car and motorcycle for sale, to the upcoming Christmas plans (I still haven't got our tree up), to the plans for the nursery that we really really need to get a move on but can't until after we get back from Vegas and Kaitlin's sister's gone home... and add to all of that - I became an Auntie on Friday! After 32 hours of labor (YIKES) my sister in law gave birth to little Hannah, who is just so adorable I can't stand it.

My brother is apparently completely smitten - my mom hasn't even gotten to hold the baby yet. :P I haven't been able to meet her yet, and might not get to until Christmas since we're out of town this weekend. But I'm really looking forward to it, she is so tiny and precious. And I'm kindasorta envious that he and my sister-in-law are on the other side of labor and delivery now (the part I'm least looking forward to) and have their little one to cuddle. I want my little one to cuddle!! (But not now, baby, you hear that? You still have like four more months of cooking to do, so don't be getting in a hurry...)

Anyway, it's been absolute insanity the past few weeks so I'm just trying to take things one step at a time. First, finish up preparations for Vegas, and get Kaitlin's sister to her last visits with her dad and then safely to the airport. Then, get to the airport ourselves (at 4 AM) the next morning, make sure we get to all of our scheduled events (but most importantly, the licensing bureau and the chapel) over the weekend, then get home and focus on Christmas prep and, if we're lucky, maybe a little nursery prep. And in the meantime, stay enough on top of things at work that they're not keeping me up at night.

I did call and make an appointment for next week with my doctor to have my Ambien refilled. I think that will also be a big help, because the other stressful thing is the fear that I'm going to run out of medication and be completely sleepless until the next appointment, which is truly miserable.

Just hanging in there, I guess. Pretty amazed that our little bean seems to be plugging away perfectly fine amidst all of mama's fluttering about. And grateful for that, too. Just keep doing your thing, little one, and ignore me for right now. In a month or two we'll have a lot more of this stuff under control. By the time you get here, we'll be ready. <3

BabyCenter's 22 week image!

21WK3D - Long time no blog

Life is slowly settling down after a whirlwind of drama - car problems, money problems, family health problems, elopement planning, a dear friend passing away :( and issues at work that have been hitting one after the other. Unfortunately that means I've missed quite a few milestone posts! But, we did manage to take a 21-week belly pic on Thanksgiving:

We're past the halfway mark now! So here's a summary of some of the main goings-on:

In terms of pregnancy symptoms I'm still tired and fatigued, with minor backache and increasing need to pee. When I'm not super tired, though, my energy levels are pretty good. I'm still experiencing a higher tendency toward anxiety than usual, though now that life-things are settling a bit it's getting better. Baby is kicking a little harder now, and I feel wiggling about 3 - 4 times a day - usually on my morning and afternoon commutes, around lunchtime, and just before bed. Sometimes baby wakes me up with wiggling in the middle of the night, too.

I had a four day weekend for the Thanksgiving holiday - we went to my mom's house on Thanksgiving, and got to see my still-pregnant SIL (at 38 weeks, she's getting very close to her due date!) and parents.

Unfortunately, Kaitlin's dad's health is not doing so well at all, and we're expecting that he may pass away in the next couple weeks. Her sister, Beth, flew in from Idaho to spend some time with him, and she's staying at our house. She arrived on Friday, and will be leaving next Wednesday - which is the day before the day that Kaitlin and I leave for Vegas to get hitched. So this coming weekend's going to be busy, with packing, and hopefully decorating the house for Christmas, and also having a house guest.

Kaitlin's birthday is on Thursday. We celebrate her birthday in the summer, because her actual birthday so often gets lost in holidays and the cold of winter, but we're still going to make her favorite cherry-chip cupcakes and go out to dinner.

Next ultrasound is Friday, at 22 weeks. It's the big one, the full anatomy scan, and if I heard our doc correctly they're actually going to do it in 3-D. Depending on how it goes we may or may not decide to have another 3-D scan done in a month or so at the private ultrasound place. Looking forward to seeing little baby's growth - here's hoping everything's doing what it's supposed to be doing at this stage!

We have pretty much everything figured out for the elopement now - finally got confirmation for our reservation from the little chapel. Kaitlin's mom is driving to Vegas because she wants to be there, so she'll be a witness and we'll all go out for dinner afterward. Now it's just a matter of making a complete packing list so we don't forget any of the elements we're planning to wear! Kaitlin's also getting her hair and makeup done just beforehand, and I'm excited to see how it's going to turn out. The wedding will be Friday the 11th, so our "new" anniversary date is moving from 12/31 to 12/11. Shouldn't be too hard to remember. :P Oh, and we picked out our 4-year anniversary gifts for each other (year 4 is aquamarine) and got them ordered on a great Black Friday deal, so that's something fun to look forward to.

I have most Christmas presents purchased, just a few more things that I need to square away (and then wait for loads of packages to arrive so I can wrap them.) Christmas will be next on the to-do list once we get back from Vegas.

And of course, somewhere in there we have to make some progress on the nursery. I ordered a ceiling fan/light but have to do a craigslist post to find an electrician to install the power box in the ceiling. We have the general layout of the mural decided, and Kaitlin's started on the digital artwork, but there's still a lot to do before it will be ready to project on the wall, outline, and paint. And I'm currently stalking Craigslist for the perfect nursery furniture set. But for now, Kaitlin's sister is staying on the spare bed in the nursery, so we won't really be doing much physical work until after we get back from Vegas.

As far as work goes, things blew up, then simmered, then blew up, then simmered again. Right now we're in a simmering phase, and in fact I am more caught up than I have been in months, so that's something to be grateful for. I just have to stay on my toes, and keep my staff on their toes, going into the new year. Oh, and start making real plans for maternity leave coverage, which is a whole other monster. I still need to sit down with HR and go over the options, get the FMLA packet, and so on.

So right now, just taking everything one day at a time until we get through the chaos. Thankfully baby's been charging through it all like a champ - no bleeding or spotting or cramping or anything scary, and plenty of reassuring wiggles. As long as we have that, we can get through all the rest. :)

14WK4D - Belly Pic and Ultrasound Updates

So first off, here's our 14 week belly pic. LOOKIT GUYS, I REALLY HAVE A BUMP NOW!

I can still mostly keep the bump covered under baggy clothes at work - but dang. Huge difference between 12 and 14 weeks!

So we went on Saturday to have a gender ultrasound done, and it confirmed that yup! The Harmony test results are right on target. ^^ We also got to see baby wiggling around some more and showing off. We got a good long video and ultrasound pics, but I'm not allowed to share 'em yet - sigh.

So let's see. This week the morning sickness continues to wane, though I do have occasional waves of the sickies in the evening before bed. I'm still taking the Diclegis - I have about three days' worth left. I think when I run out I'll try going a day without it, and if it comes back I'll get a refill. One really unpleasant new symptom, though, is a chronic headache that I've had for about four days now. I've been fighting it with Tylenol - the first Tylenol I've taken since we got our BFP - but only this afternoon has it really mellowed out. Not sure what that was all about but seriously not fun. :/

Baby is also a picky eater, still really only wants me to drink iced tea, and has a penchant for tortilla chips and salsa. I've also felt a lot more heaviness/stretching/twinging in there this week, which I am guessing means our little peachbaby is having a growth spurt. :P

In other news, work continues to be insanely busy, so much so that I barely have time to think during the day and I come home really tired - I feel like going to bed a lot earlier these days. And my pretty sparkly butterfly earrings from AliExpress arrived, so I'm adding them to the stash of stuff-to-wear-on-our-elopement in December. Good thing I bought a maternity wedding dress, I'm thinking this bump will be impressive by then! Sewing project is on track, I still have three solid weekends of work to do, but so far so good. And other than that, the thing eating up my brain lately is nursery prep. Really really want to get started but have to get the sewing stuff wrapped up first! I also have a few sewing projects in mind for our little munchkin, now that we know gender, and I'm plotting a supercute coming home outfit for baby to come home from the hospital in. I might have to make both a newborn-size version and a 0-3 months size version, just to be sure I have at least one that fits! Apparently some babies are too big for newborn sizes right out of the gate. Kind of hoping this one will be little enough, at least for a couple weeks, 'cause I've already started a bit of a stash of newborn-size clothes. *shiftyeyes*

Also made a long checklist (after surfing the internet for recommended checklists) of stuff we need to acquire before baby gets here. Stroller, car seat, nursery furniture, breast pump, cloth diaper stash, etc. etc.  Hoping to get 95% of the items used, with the possible exception of the car seat, because after wandering through Babies R Us and having some eyepopping moments at how expensive these little things (that last what, three or four years, most of them? At most??) are, it just makes a lot more sense to go green and reuse things that somebody else no longer needs.

So that's about it for now... off to eat dinner. Hoping baby likes Hamburger Helper. :P

THIRTEEN WEEKS

Thirteen weeks today. Some places online say this is the start of the second trimester, while others say that won't happen until next week. But whatever. I am ready for the first trimester to be done, and therefore I am dubbing today as the start of the second. :P

Today's another higher-energy morning, for which I am grateful. I've been able to juggle a couple of meetings that needed my full attention, so I'm feeling a lot better about today than the earlier parts of this week. It's noon and I'm only just starting to get a hint of stomach yuckies, so I'm hoping maybe tonight will go a bit easier. Took my last dose of meds, including my last injection, last night. Hallelujah!!! No more shots for meeee, no more shots for meeeeeeeee... now to wait for all these colorful bruises on my tummy to go away.

Baby has apparently decided that he/she hates potato chips, and will only drink iced tea. O.o Plain water is usually what I like, but baby is just not having it. It's iced tea or nothing. Still, now that I've finally figured that out, I've been able to get about three times more liquid down in the past couple days. So okay, little baby, iced tea it is. You sure are being weird. I can already tell you're going to be a handful. :P

Wearing my newly-acquired maternity jeans to work today. They are way more comfortable than regular jeans, but the seam between the denim and the soft belly band is going to take some getting used to. It's very low on my hips, so it kind of feels like my underwear is falling off, LOL. I still don't have a super noticeable bump yet, but I can definitely feel the difference in my clothes. 

In the meantime, I got a call back from the Sweethearts Wedding Chapel in Vegas yesterday afternoon, and was able to finalize reservations for our elopement ceremony. We had to do a lot of shuffling to find a date that would work - with an SCA event, Kaitlin's end-of-semester classes, Thanksgiving, Kaitlin's birthday, and Christmas all hitting so close together, and then a VERYIMPORTANTWORKMEETING that got scheduled for the one Friday we'd originally picked out (sigh) we finally had to go with December 11th. Which is okay, because we celebrate our anniversary in December anyway, so this is just moving it up a couple of weeks. It should be a relatively simple little ceremony, but we'll still get pictures and video and we're having Kaitlin's hair and makeup done and we bought cute new outfits and all in all it will be pretty darned fun. I got our plane tickets and hotel reserved too, so that's also crossed off the to-do list.

A little ironic, perhaps, that we'll be in Vegas getting married (with our little one finally on the way) almost exactly one year after our first trip to Greece. Last year on Christmas we were envisioning that we'd get to spend this Christmas with a new baby. Turns out we'll have a few more months to wait... but that's okay. At this point we're just so very grateful to have finally made it this far. <3

Here's BabyCenter's pic of baby at 13 weeks:

  

TWELVE WEEKS

We've made it to twelve weeks, ya'all!!!! Just a few more days to go until we hit the end of the first trimester. On one hand it feels like it went by quickly, probably because I was so sick I didn't have much time to really think about anything else. On the other hand, it's felt like the sickness would NEVER END, so I'm really hopeful that soon we'll be moving into a much more fun stage of pregnancy.

Today is a really busy day. For the first time in weeks, I'm feeling better - an okay balance between being tired and queasy, something that's pretty manageable. So the plan is to start doing a couple of five-minute walks during the work day, and slowly increase that until I'm getting in a good half hour of activity daily. I am so horribly out of shape now that I get winded just walking from my car to my office, and it doesn't feel very good. I'm looking forward to getting back to a more fit and oxygen-efficient state, hehe.

I am going to spend my lunch break getting a hair cut, because my hair has been growing a lot faster in the past few weeks and I'm starting to look a wee bit That-70's-Show-ish.

Tasks on the list today include finding and sending an initial inquiry to a maternity photographer (done); printing the legal documents Kaitlin and I are going to have signed this weekend (done); sending an initial inquiry to the Vegas wedding chapel about our elopement ceremony (done); calling my bank to make a notary appointment for tomorrow, and calling the 4D ultrasound place here in town to buy a scan package and make our gender-determination-scan appointment. By the time we go in for the scan we should already have the Harmony results back, but it will still be fun to confirm via an actual peek at the goods!

Also, while the doctor yesterday confirmed I've only gained one pound so far, I definitely am in need of some maternity basics - namely a more comfortable bra and a pair of jeans I don't have to wear unbuttoned. That's also on the list for this weekend, along with a trip to the bank to take care of my name change, sell back our unused Euro, get our documents notarized and get some checks for Kaitlin for her account, and I really have to sit down and get some progress accomplished on the SCA sewing project.

In case you can't tell, my energy level today is so, so, SO much better than it has been in weeks and weeks, and it's a great feeling. Hoping this is a sign that either the Diclegis has finally hit its stride and/or the morning sickness is on its way out.

I'll have an updated baby bump pic to post tomorrow, but for now here's what BabyCenter says baby looks like today. We actually got to see those little skinny legs stretching, and one of those little precious hands, at the ultrasound yesterday <3

11WK6D - Ultrasound appointment

So tomorrow we will hit twelve weeks (yay, I really can't WAIT for this first trimester to be over) and we went in this morning for an ultrasound. Here's a super flattering picture of me watching baby dance all over the screen:

The bruises on my tummy are fading some, as we're only doing the shots every other night now - only one more week to go, and then NO MORE INJECTIONS!!!! So very excited for THAT. :P

Anyway, baby is doing great. Measuring 12WK3D - about 5.9cm - little overachiever! And he/she has two legs and two arms and an a-okay nuchal thickness (no Down's indicators that the tech could see.) Oh, and we saw at least one hand with a perfect little thumb and four fingers. Baby was wiggling and squirming so much that the ultrasound tech had a bit of a time trying to get good measurements, but we got a bunch of pics to take home that I'll post probably tomorrow, and a couple of videos of the wiggling. Behold:

They also drew blood for a cystic fibrosis and Harmony test. Apparently if we get both tests, insurance is more likely to cover them at no charge (??) So we opted for both, and I thanked the doctor for the anti-morning-sickness meds. In spite of how uncomfortable I've been the past few weeks, life with the meds is still decidedly better than without them. 

Sadly, it's looking like we are going to have to change doctors. :( My work's open enrollment for health  benefits is coming up next month, and I have to switch to a different network (one that's free for me, a spouse, AND a child) because my current network will be way too expensive to cover both Kaitlin and the baby. The new network, though, is completely exclusive - I cannot go to ANY doctor who is not in-network - and my OB-GYN is not in the network. So now I guess I have to find a new provider, and our next appointment will likely be with whoever that is, at 16 weeks. Sigh. 

I'm going to wait until after we get our Harmony test results back from this doctor, and I have to make sure to ask her to mail the results to me so that I can give them to the new doc... and then I'll have to start the process of calling around for a new OB. She said we should get the results in about a week, though, so I'm pretty excited about that... in a week, we'll know whether baby is a boy or girl (even if I'm not allowed to tell anybody).

Anyway, really happy to see that baby is doing well and scooting around happily in there... makes all the misery and exhaustion of the past few weeks worth it. One more week to go, and we'll be in the clear to tell friends & family about the coming addition to our little family!

Things are going to really start getting nutty in the next couple of months, with elopement preparations and baby preparations kicking into gear. Really hoping the morning sickness will go away soon so that I've got the energy to tackle it all :)

9WK4D - Sick Sick Sick

Well, morning sickness continues to come and go, and fatigue is getting worse. On Saturday, I didn't have very much nausea but I was so tired I could barely move. I literally crawled downstairs after I woke up, sat on the couch all day (only getting up to grab food, water, and go to the bathroom) and crawled back upstairs at the end of the night feeling like I'd been running a marathon. Sunday and Monday were worse, because I was tired in the morning and got hit with nasty nausea in the afternoon that only got yuckier as the day went on. I did try to nap for a couple hours on Sunday, and got in a little bit of sewing in the morning on Monday, but overall it made for a long, exhausting, not-so-fun weekend. SIGH.

The pattern continues today, because I woke up this morning feeling like I haven't slept in a week (even though I slept like a brick all night) and sick to my stomach. Just went and had a hamburger and fries for lunch, because my body wanted something heavy and starchy and red-meaty, and my body cannot decide whether that has made it feel better or worse. :/ I think maybe better? A little??

Still no vomiting. Grateful for that. But it has now been three weeks of morning sickness and I am ready to be done now, kthx. :P Reduced my meds again on Saturday with no ill side effects this time... so far no spotting or scary stuff. Also grateful for that.

We did order our elopement dresses and some fun accessories this weekend - we're doing a subtle steampunk type thing, so Kaitlin gets a tiny white top hat and I get a bird cage veil, and cute shoes and gloves and so on. I do need to call the Vegas wedding chapel that we like and see if we can get on their schedule for November, I don't know how fast they fill up. And start planning the budget, because even as a "cheap" elopement it's still going to be a bit of an investment.

But that will be a project for another weekend. Right now I desperately want a nap. Unfortunately there are still three and a half hours left in the day before I can go home...

6WK4D - Relief

Kaitlin scanned the picture of our little embryo ultrasound for me last night, so I can finally post it. The pic shows the whole gestational sac (the teardrop shaped dark space) with the yolk sac (the round white outline) and the fetal pole (the sort of vertical white mass on the left of the yolk sac). Right now it's so early that the yolk sac is sustaining the baby... in fact, my pregnancy book entry for yesterday informed us that the baby's future sperm or eggs will actually be formed in the yolk sac and pass to the baby's body a little later - so weird! Anyway, eventually the yolk sac and gestational sac end up turning into the placenta as the little shrimp grows bigger.

Here's what BabyCenter says a six-week embryo looks like. See what I mean about being a little shrimp?

Maybe it’s just the high after getting to see that tiny heartbeat yesterday, but I kind of feel like all that anxiety and worry I was dealing with has melted away. I feel calm and certain that things are going to be okay. I know there’s still risk and that it’s still very early, but somehow I just feel a million times better.

Yetserday was the first day of truly serious nausea. I’d say on a scale of 1-10, about a 5… but it was persistent and would NOT go away for pretty much the entire day. I finished my entire stash of Saltines at work, and had a huge craving for red meat by the time I got home (I usually don’t like red meat very much) so we went out for a celebratory dinner and I had steak.  Thankfully the nausea wasn’t so bad that I couldn’t keep food down (it has to be really, really bad, because my stomach is stubborn about holding on to its contents) but the driving and walking and such really were not fun. Also, the smell of my dog’s litter box and the cats’ litter boxes was driving me nuts last night.

This morning, I bought a decaf coffee and a chocolate muffin at the little cafeteria at work… but the muffin tastes fishy. Like, literally, it tastes like fish. I’m hungry so I’m trying to eat small bits at least, but I don’t think I’m going to get through much of it because chocolate fish tasting muffin is so not delicious. I have no idea if this is because of the pregnancy, or because the café downstairs isn’t the classiest of joints.  SIGH. I’ll need to spend my lunch break at the store getting more work groceries. So far it appears that what my body wants is red meat and greens. Lots and lots of greens. I actually sat on the couch the other night just stuffing salad leaves straight from the bag into my face. O.o At least it’s healthy, I guess??

Let’s see, what else… my lower back was aching last night after we took a shower. Still having some blood pressure issues, but they weren’t as bad yesterday because the weather was cooler.  Boobs still sore, still getting up in the middle of the night to pee.  Super tired today, but that’s mostly because I didn’t sleep well last night (Kaitlin kept tossing and turning, which kept me from being able to sleep, which is probably also the reason why I feel irritable this morning…)

My name’s been changed at work, and in our state systems now, so there’s really only a few things left to update – bank accounts, the house title, my passport, and various other bits. I’ll need to order more work business cards and have them redo the sign outside my office. But otherwise I am well on the way to starting a whole different kind of life. Kaitlin and I are starting to talk about our Vegas elopement, too, which looks like it will probably be November-ish.

It’s shaping up to be a very busy next few months, with an SCA project I’ve been asked to complete by mid-November and Kaitlin switching to a new teaching position and a ton of other projects, big and small, that are going to need attention. But it’s exciting, too, because now that our little one is really and truly in existence and on the way, life is going to start snowballing forward over the next few months. So excited!

Kaitlin shared this hilarious little video with me on Facebook yesterday and I thought other pregnant cat-lovers out there would appreciate it:

IVF#3 9DP3DT - So Far So Good

Yesterday I spent a lot of time with anxiety that maybe the BFP was fading. I felt GREAT yesterday... better than I have since we started this round of meds... and was worried maybe that meant that the BFP was going away.

But last night's tests, though maybe not darker than the day before, were still solidly positive. (PS, I discovered that the reason my boobs weren't hurting is because apparently my Victoria's Secret bra is magical. The minute I took it off last night to shower, boobs = ow. Put it back on this morning, and no pain! Well done, VS! I will be wearing this sucker for as long as possible while I'm pregnant.)

And this morning, even though I got to sleep through the night and didn't have to get up for the bathroom until 5:30 AM (wow!), I used both a FRER and Wondfo and both were still solid, clear positives.

So came to work, kept drinking my water, and got another faint positive on a Wondfo. (Yes, I realize this is an awful lot of peeing on sticks. Pffft, I say. I need lots of reassurance & this is how I get it :P ) Still feeling better than I think I ought to feel as a newly-pregnant lady on a ton of meds, but I wonder if maybe that's because embryos are sucking up the hormones so I'm not getting the side effects - unlike round #2 when I had every possible pregnancy side effect but no baby in there.

My beta appointment is at 8 AM on Saturday, so I just have to email the Greek doctor's orders over to the RE today or tomorrow. Pretty sure at this point it's going to be positive, the question is just *how* positive... and whether it doubles. Sounds like beta #2 will then be on Monday, so I guess we'll see.

Then another TWW, most likely, before we can have an ultrasound. I don't think I'll really be able to escape the anxiety until we get to the point where there is/are heartbeat(s) on the screen. Even so, I don't think I'll be able to hold myself back from excitement and planning and all of that until the ultrasound. We've been waiting so long for this... so long, to feel like life is really moving forward and we're really going to be able to get off the TTC-train at last and take the next step into pregnancy and parenthood... and it's kind of not possible to already start getting excited about doing all the things we've wanted to do for ages that we keep setting aside for "when we're not TTC-ing anymore." A lot of that is money-related - I have wanted to put a real floor in our basement for years, but couldn't afford it. We've wanted to elope (likely to Vegas, because if you're going to elope you should do it right), but couldn't afford it. And, of course, there's the nursery, and all the millions of daydreams about the wall mural and sewing little blankets and curtains and cushions that go with the theme, and acquiring all the furniture and setting it up to be our baby(ies)'s room... and some of the less romantical things about it, like bringing in an electrician to wire up ceiling boxes for overhead fans (why oh why did the house builders think that having no overhead lighting in bedrooms was a good idea???) and starting to think about remodeling the upstairs bath which will end up being the kiddo bathroom and... and... and...

You see what I mean. It's like life has been on hold for ages while we poured everything we had into this. And truthfully, we won't be able to do a lot of things right away anyway, because we've got to make a nice big dent in the debts accrued while TTC. But I'll admit, I'm already kinda sorta researching Montessori schools (there's one near our house that takes kids as young as 12 months) and daydreaming.

Cart miles before the horse. I know. But when you've dreamed of things for so long, even started to wonder if you'd never actually get there, it's hard not to get crazy excited.

And being excited and daydreaming is loads more fun than angsting over whether my pregnancy test line is getting darker and WHY IS IT NOT DARKER YET. :P Also, it's really only the equivalent of 12DPO. I should be grateful there's even a second line at all, not to mention how solid and clear it is.

So daydreaming it is. Right after I finish working on this pile of files on my desk!

IVF#3 CD5 - This Will Be Our Month

I've been avoiding blogging much lately. It's too easy, when I'm actively blogging, to be reminded of all the unfulfilled hope we've encountered so far... too easy to focus on unknowns and start angsting. I've been trying something different this time around, and every time an "is this round going to fail too" thought comes into my head, I've been repeating "this one will work, this one will work.". To the point where I kind of actually believe it.

The odds are way, way in our favor at this point. Our clinic has a 70% success rate - it worked the first time, but we miscarried. It didn't work the second time. Statistics say this should be the one. And things this round are going a lot more similarly to our first round, where we got SO close. For the second round I was on Lupron for ages before finally getting permission to start the estrogen. But this time, I've only been on it for eleven days, and they're having me start estrace today. I just have a better feeling about it, overall.

So here's a sum-up since my last post: We started Lupron on the 21st. Compared to the heparin shots, the lupron is actually pretty painless (in spite of my ongoing fear of needles.) My period started on the 28th, later than I expected. I had an ultrasound on the 30th (CD3) and my lining is just over 5mm. The doctor in Greece says that's good, so as of today I start the estrogen regimen - one pill for two days, two pills for two days, three pills for three days, and then four pills until transfer - usually another 4-5 days out. I have to go in for another ultrasound on 7/8, next Wednesday.

Though they don't have exact travel dates yet, that puts us in Greece around the second/third week of July -- that's in two weeks! And I just keep telling myself that we're going to Greece to pick up our babies and bring them home. That this one is going to be our month. Due date would be in April - I like that.

I went to the baby shower that I was nervous about. I think the best way to describe how I felt being there was happy and wistful. I did get to hold the tiny baby, who was so sweet and precious, and my friend asked whether we were going to be trying for a baby soon. I managed not to launch a huge me-me-me conversation (I think) so yay for that. :P And other than twinges of envy over the cute nursery and precious baby, I was actually pretty darn okay - happy to be there, to get to hold the baby and share in my friends' joy for their newborn. I had a good time AND my friend even suggested, when she handed me her baby to hold for a little bit, that he would be a good luck charm for us. ♥ Here's hoping!

We've been saving HARD and will have just JUST enough for this third attempt without having to float much on a credit card, I think. I've decided that if my intuition is wrong and this isn't it for us either, I'll be spending the next six months or so, while we save up for another go, on SlimFast and the Couch to 5K program, to try and drop the 15 pounds or so that I've gained over the last two years from all the meds. I know I'll feel better, overall, if I can get my body back into shape during the break - the weight gain certainly hasn't helped when it comes to the frustrations of this whole process.

In the meantime, though, my name change has been submitted at work and I'm just waiting for a new email, new network login, etc. so I can announce it to pretty much everybody and start using it. I won't change it on my passport, bank account or credit cards until after we get  back from Greece, though, since I don't want there to be any issues while we're traveling.

And of course I can't not mention that last Friday, 6/26/15, the Supreme Court mandated that all of the United States MUST allow same-sex couples to marry. Colorado has already been issuing licenses for about six months, but this is just huge. Our plan was always to elope after I got pregnant, and after the baby was born spend a little time saving up (and I could get back into wedding-dress shape) so we could throw a wedding. But if this next round doesn't work, I think we'll probably talk about doing the elopement anyway - it won't be nearly as expensive, I don't think, if we don't travel out of state for it. And then Kaitlin can change her name too ^~ Not to mention the medical benefits!

It's good to have a contingency plan. But for now I'm going to keep chanting it: This Will Be Our Month. This Will Be Our Month. I even wrote it on a bit of paper and taped it to my computer monitor at work ...

I'll Have A New Name Tomorrow

Barring any unexpected court objections, by tomorrow afternoon I will legally have a new name. That means today is my last day of living with my ex's last name. Kind of sad that I've now had her last name for longer than the period of time we were even married...

I always disliked the last name I was born with, and was so excited to change my name when I married my ex. One of the things that felt the most jarring about the dissolution of our relationship was that now not only did it feel like the life I had planned for myself was gone, but I didn't even really feel at home in my own name anymore. And I've continued to live with that name for the last three and a half years, partly because changing one's name is a pain in the ass, and partly because I didn't have any idea what I would choose for a name instead, as I really didn't want to go back to my birth name.

At the same time, I really don't want to take anybody else's name for my own ever again. While I am confident that Kaitlin and I are going to have a lasting marriage, the name change process is long and annoying, and I've learned that there's something about taking someone else's name that sort of ties your identity to another person, and I didn't really like that. Also, Kaitlin's last name starts with a "P", and my birth last name started with a "P", and one of the reasons I was so excited to replace my birth name was because I grew up as "Meghann P" (there were five other Megan's in my elementary school) and as you can imagine, the kids weren't always so nice about that and I hated the way it sounded.

So what Kaitlin and I decided is that my birth middle name (which was my Irish/Scottish great-grandmother's  maiden name) will be my last name, and after we get married she'll be taking that name for her last name too. And I decided to use the name we've picked out for a daughter as my middle name (in case we never have a daughter, I still just love the name so much and want to be able to use it somewhere.)

As of tomorrow, then, I will have a very very VERY Irish name. And can begin the process of changing all my work and legal and financial stuff over.

The last time I changed my name it was a complete thrill. I was so, so excited. This time it feels more somber, somehow. Less giddy, but also like a burden's being lifted. I also sold my engagement ring, the one I had with my ex, on Ebay this week. Mailed it off yesterday. My old wedding band is up on Ebay too, and the money I get from both is going into our TTC account for July's attempt.  And just a couple weeks ago, I gave my old wedding dress to Goodwill. So it feels a little bit like this name change is wrapping up the last vestiges of my old life. I really am moving on into a fresh beginning - I guess it adds a little bit of irrational hope that maybe if I close the door on all that it will encourage fate to give me a baby, to open a new door? I realize that's silly, but I guess it's my inner self trying to bargain with the universe, in a way.

I had originally planned to get pregnant, then do the name change, then Kaitlin and I would elope, and when baby arrived he/she would be born into our new family name. When I got pregnant in December I started the name change process. Though our baby didn't make it, it seemed like a waste not to follow through with the name change, since the process costs money up front for the background checks. So it's with mixed emotions that I go off to my hearing tomorrow. On the one hand, I'm really happy to be moving on with at least one part of my life. On the other, the plan was always that by the time I got to my name change hearing I'd be pregnant, but there won't be any baby with me tomorrow.

Had a dream last night that we were awakened by a baby crying down the hall, and Kaitlin got up and went down there to check in on the room that we plan for the nursery... and I had this huge sense of happiness that oh my gosh, we are parents after all. I think a part of me knew it was a dream, but I really didn't want to wake up.

Here's hoping that the third try will be a charm, and July's attempt will finally FINALLY be our month.

IUI#5 CD2 - Moving On

Yesterday was just plain awful. On top of being deeply disappointed about this fourth BFN, I am also stuck with a really heavy, miserable AF. The Clomid and birth control has made most of my past cycles really light, but since I had a nice fat lining on the Follistim, I am now getting to enjoy a full-on, cramp-til-I-want-to-vomit couple of days. Ugh.

But, my darling fiancee brought home yellow roses (my favorite color) and chocolate cake for me yesterday. After two shots of Grand Marnier and three tylenol I was still hurting so badly I couldn't get comfortable on the couch, so finally I just gave up and went to bed early. I wanted to be unconscious through the worst of it. The cramping is not as intense today, but still really unpleasant, and I am feeling cranky and not at all able to focus on work. But I can't exactly go home, because I have a meeting with my boss this afternoon that I have to make sure I'm "on" for. Dreading it, but I'll make it through somehow.

Was late to work again this morning so I could go have an ultrasound done, and there's at least one bright spot in all of this: I DON'T HAVE LEFTOVER FOLLICLES THIS TIME. [Insert the Hallelujah Chorus] We can actually start another round right away. There are no words for what a relief that is... it's been so discouraging to have to take nearly every other month off of TTC to go on birth control instead. I think if I'd found out that we were going to have to skip August too, I might have had to go home crying for the rest of the day.

So, there's a silver lining after all, and I just placed another order with NorthWest Cryobank. We decided we are going to switch donors, to see if maybe a change in swimmers will give us better luck. We're going with #9319: brown wavy hair, green eyes, ambidextrous, tall, artsy and science-y. I think his "baby" photo looks a lot more like Kaitlin than our first donor, too (she says he looks like her brother.) Also, one of the other forum users has already had a successful pregnancy (a girl!) with this donor. Since we have two rounds of injectables left, I ordered two vials. If neither of the next two attempts are successful... well, we're going to have to pull out even bigger guns, and prep for a trip to Greece for IVF with both donor eggs and sperm.

I also had to call the pharmacy to get a Follistim refill. Between the $819 in swimmers/shipping and the $740 in injectable drugs - in addition to the usual trigger shot, IUI procedure, and probably at least 4 ultrasounds at $45 each, this cycle's going to run us a lot more than any of the others - somewhere around $2800. Still a small price tag in comparison to what the Greek donor cycle will cost if it comes to that... but it's more than I can afford in one month, so we're going to be carrying a bit of credit card debt for the next few months.

Most of what I've read on internet forums seems to indicate that of the ladies who got pregnant using injectables, injectable cycle #2 was the one that worked. So maybe, just maybe - with a change in swimmers and a second round of meds - maybe we'll get our BFP this time.

I think this most recent BFN has been the hardest, and I'm not sure why. I wasn't feeling all that optimistic, from the moment we did the IUI and found out our swimmers had lower motility than expected... but I guess it's because the meds had been so expensive, and I'd made it through all of those scary daily shots, and it just seemed like after seven months of trying it should be our turn. When it didn't pan out... when I got up yesterday morning expecting to take pregnancy tests for the next few days and instead found that AF had arrived... it was just a lot harder than the other BFNs have been.

I think, after so many months trying, that both Kaitlin and I are feeling a little stuck. This process is so expensive that we can't really move on with our lives and do the other things we want to do - have a wedding, install a floor in the basement, take a vacation, not really anything - until we get our BFP. And most of our plans for the future revolve around the things we want to do after that BFP comes, after we know we're adding a new member to our family.  I'll be changing my name. We'll be eloping, probably, to another state to get married (we want a wedding here, too, but I don't want pregnant-bride wedding photos; I want the chance to have the baby and then work off the baby weight so I can feel pretty in my wedding pictures. So we're doing a legal elopement, pre-baby, and a legal, local full-on wedding in a year or so afterward.) And then there's family vacations, house renovations, and the like, all of which are dependent on when... and if... we get pregnant. It feels like life is on hold pending the outcome of this long, expensive, exhausting, emotionally draining process.

Part of me would like to take a break from TTC for a while, but there's no time. My eggs are already so diminished, in quantity and quality, that it has to be now.  If the next two cycles don't work, though... then we'll probably take a break for a few months, to pay off the remaining debt of these cycles and try to save up enough to get started on the donor cycle in Greece.  And in a way, I am hoping that if the trip is necessary, it will feel like a vacation and not just another battle in this infertility war.

If I ever have a daughter, I think the one bit of motherly advice I want to make sure to pass on is that she shouldn't wait too long to start her family, like I did. I hope she gets her fertility checked early so she knows how much time she has. I hope she doesn't have to go through any of this. Not that I want her to be a teen mom or anything, but... I wouldn't wish this agonizing process on anybody.

Moving on....

CD23 - Still waiting

I haven't updated in a while because I've just been biding my time this month, taking birth control. Went in for an ultrasound on Tuesday last week, but the leftover follicle still wasn't gone. The doctor had me take a trigger shot, and I'm taking more birth control this week. I should run out around Thursday or so, which means AF should show up again a couple days later, and I have another ultrasound appointment on July 7th. If we're lucky, the follicle thing will be gone (finally) and we can start an injectable cycle.

In the meantime, Kaitlin and I went to Denver Pride and spent the weekend at my publisher's book booth - I sold out of my stash of both of my books, met some really sweet readers, and got inspired all over again to get back into the swing of writing. Kaitlin went off to a fencing event this past weekend, so I spent the weekend cleaning the house and got about half of the first chapter of the next Ithyria book written. I forgot how much time writing takes... If I could write one chapter per week - which is about 10 hours of work or so - I'd have the book finished in about 6 months. Though I don't know that I could keep that pace up... whew. Still, I'd like to be able to get the next installment finished without making readers wait another 8 years for the next book. :P

Anyway - financially we're going to be OK for this injectable round. If it's another BFN, though, we're going to start building credit card debt pretty fast in August - I have to order two more vials of swimmers, which is going to be about $1000.00, and then with the $800/month price tag of the injectable meds, plus the trigger shot and IUI costs, it's going to be expensive. SIGH.

Maybe we'll finally get lucky this round and all of that won't be necessary? Kaitlin is pretty fired up about planning a wedding for next year, but I want to wait until after the baby is born and I've had at least six months to drop the baby weight - I really don't want to be chubby in my wedding photos. :P