4WK3D – First Beta is In, Second is Pending Today…

So this weekend was spent mostly taking care of small chores – getting a part fixed for our lawnmower, doing some laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, getting groceries, returning a Comcast modem, etc.

Oh, and getting blood drawn early on Saturday for our first beta. I had to wait until Sunday morning to get the results, but they’re in, and they’re 287!!  YEAH!!

Nice good solid number. It’s higher than my first beta last time, but still not astronomically high. So it could be multiples, or it could be a singleton… that part’s still a mystery.

I stopped off at the doctor’s office before coming into work this morning for a second blood draw. Today is one of those moment-of-truth days, hoping that the results show a strong rise in the numbers. Doubling would be even better. I should get the results later this afternoon, after 3 PM.

Assuming they come back good and strong, I will then have a six-week ultrasound on 8/17, and a seven week ultrasound on 9/24. Technically these will be 6WK3D and 7WK3D, but that’s okay… the later they are the more likelihood we might get to see a heartbeat on the first try.

With our miscarriage, I first started bleeding at exactly 5 weeks. So I think this week and next are going to be pretty anxious, but I’m hoping they’ll pass quickly with NO BLOOD OR SPOTTING. Also a bit anxious to find out how many took. My Greek coordinator is going on leave this Friday, and won't be back until September 7th (apparently she's getting married :) ) It's a wee bit nervewracking, because if something doesn't go right I don't know if I can get ahold of her. But here's hoping that everything's just going to go well and it won't matter. She's already given me a medication schedule - I start reducing my meds effective 8/29, and cut back slowly until we're ready to stop them altogether - so I just have to follow the schedule and have the scans, and she said my OB would be the one to schedule future scans after the 7 week one. Wonder if that means I can have one at 8 weeks too? :3

In the meantime, I seem to have pregnancy symptoms that come and go. The most common are fatigue  - I run out of energy really quickly, and nausea, which hasn’t yet come back as bad as it was on Thursday last week (thank goodness) but still sort of comes and goes, usually when I get hungry. Also, last night I maybe kind of burst into tears and yelled at Kaitlin for eating two cupcakes that I’d thought were mine. Like seriously, I felt so hurt and disappointed that my cupcakes were gone that it was PERSONAL DEVASTATION AND BETRAYAL!!!!! She promised to buy me more today. :P

I have a lot more little test sticks to take pictures of, too, I just haven’t gotten around to that part yet, but the lines over the weekend were really dark, almost dark-as-the-test-line dark, which is reassuring. I still have a ton of tests so I’m going to keep indulging in my need to POAS while I’m waiting for the second beta and first ultrasound.

We’re waiting to see the heartbeat before we start making any kind of future plans. And waiting until end of the first trimester, probably, before we start really working on any of them. But I have a good feeling about this one, so it’s hard not to start the daydreaming early…

Fingers crossed for a great result this afternoon <3

IVF#3 11DP3DT – FOUR WEEKS

I’m waiting for the positive beta before I start tracking according to weeks of pregnancy, but I got a really dark line yesterday afternoon at work, and  two more this morning, so it’s worth noting that as of today, beta or not, I am 100% positive that I am four weeks pregnant.  (Well, the embryos are only two weeks old, but the way those silly doctors count pregnancy back to supposed first day of last period…)

As if that weren’t enough, I spent most of the day yesterday feeling exhausted, even after an amazing night’s sleep… and last night after dinner I had to lie down and stay down the rest of the night, because I was so nauseous. Didn’t throw up (I have to be really, really sick for that) but on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is normal non-nausea and 10 is puking my guts out, I’d say we were at a 7-8. Ugh. Ate saltines, drank water and managed to keep my medication in my tummy where it belongs, but it made for a crummy night’s sleep.

Still tired this morning, though not as dizzy and woozy as yesterday, so here’s hoping maybe today will be better. Still sitting here crunching saltines, though (which are slightly banana flavored, haha, since they’ve been hanging out in my office drawer with my fruit.) I think that saltines are about to become my new best friend, if this keeps up.

Oh, the irony. Just a couple days ago I was oh-so-worried about feeling too awesome, and now apparently I have nausea/fatigue before we’ve even had a positive beta. Pfft.  Be careful what you wish for??

Though I keep peeing on sticks and keep seeing that second line, it still feels a little surreal to think “I’m pregnant.” After eighteen months of trying, 4 ICIs, 6 IUIs, more pills, injections, and ultrasounds than I can even count,  three trips to Greece, four different sperm donors, three different egg donors, nine embryos transferred, forty thousand dollars spent and one miscarriage – I guess it’s just a little hard to wrap my brain around the fact that we’ve finally received what we’ve been begging the universe for all this time. I’m proud of us, for not giving up. I’m grateful – SO grateful – for the wise financial choices I made years ago in buying a house that I could then borrow against for all of this, and for sticking with my job through a couple really harrowing years such that I now have an income that allows us to feasibly manage TTC debt. But more than anything else, I am so, so grateful to see that second pink line.

I suppose I ought to be more nervous about another miscarriage, but somehow I’m not. Somehow, it feels way down deep in my gut that we’re taking a baby home this time for sure.  I have this sense of peace about it, and it’s funny – even all the little doubts and fears that enter my head can’t actually unseat the certainty that it’s going to turn out okay. So I’m holding on to that, because I think the baby(ies) are trying to tell me they’re sticking around.

Beta blood draw at 8 AM tomorrow. I am guessing we’ll end up with a second one on Monday. Then we get to find out what date we get to have an ultrasound. Hoping for six weeks…

Looking forward to the weekend, though, hopefully accomplishing a few small things and getting to mostly loaf. I’m not doing any more major cleaning projects until we see heartbeats. And even then, I may hold off on doing much until we’re through the first trimester and things are looking okay.

In the meantime, guess I will just have to start googling cute baby clothes and more nursery ideas :P

IVF#3 10DP3DT – Pregnancy symptoms are like a box of chocolates…

Or else it’s all in my head, which is possible. But did you know that both constipation AND diarrhea are pregnancy symptoms? Yay! And they’re made even MORE fun when you’re taking a boatload of progesterone pills in addition to whatever the little bean is cooking up in there. Oh yes.

I am curious whether women taking progesterone supplements, especially seriously heavy ones (I’m on 800 mg a day) generally experience pregnancy symptoms a lot earlier than non-supplemented pregnancies. I’ve always heard that morning sickness and all the “real” stuff starts kicking in around weeks 6-8. But I am having days where I feel awesome, and then days (and evenings) where I am ucky, and we haven’t even had a beta yet. Last night I was fine until I ate dinner (which consisted of salmon, corn, and zucchini) and for the rest of the night had all kinds of fun tummy issues that were still there when I got up this morning.

Oh, and a blood pressure drop, too, that had me really dizzy and short of breath in the shower. I have poor circulation and low blood pressure anyway, so when all my blood is hanging out in my stomach/uterus area, I get light-headed and woozy – especially in the summer, and especially in the shower where it’s hot and humid. So that was also fun.

So either I had a bad piece of salmon, or my body is playing all kinds of fun tricks on me as it tries to metabolize the crazy amounts of hormones I am stuffing into it all day long.

Guess all I can really do is keep drinking water. Especially if I’m going to be having blood pressure drops like that, sheesh. But even with all the water I’m drinking, either my bladder is getting bigger, or I’m just getting used to all the trips to the bathroom, because it doesn’t *seem* like I’m peeing as frequently as I was three or four days ago. Hmm.

Tested again this morning, still positive, so I’m feeling a lot more confident at this point – even if the line doesn’t seem to be getting much darker, it’s showing up nice and clear. Emailed my Greek doctor’s letter to my RE in preparation for the beta on Saturday morning.  Really interested in what the numbers will be. REALLY interested in what the first ultrasound is going to look like, though I know I’ll have to wait another couple weeks after the betas to find out.

Until then, trying to concentrate on eating good food and drinking enough water to sink a small boat. :P But I was looking up pregnancy diets last night, and holy cow, right now I just can’t imagine eating that much food. Like six times a day, SO MUCH FOOD. I really hope that I just develop an appetite for it when the time is right, because at the moment it’s hard to comprehend how I’ll fit all that eating into my day.

Also, I found this super cute video on Facebook that I wanted to share, because it’s awesome and cute and a little tearjerking and that little boy at the end is the very best part!

IVF#3 9DP3DT - So Far So Good

Yesterday I spent a lot of time with anxiety that maybe the BFP was fading. I felt GREAT yesterday... better than I have since we started this round of meds... and was worried maybe that meant that the BFP was going away.

But last night's tests, though maybe not darker than the day before, were still solidly positive. (PS, I discovered that the reason my boobs weren't hurting is because apparently my Victoria's Secret bra is magical. The minute I took it off last night to shower, boobs = ow. Put it back on this morning, and no pain! Well done, VS! I will be wearing this sucker for as long as possible while I'm pregnant.)

And this morning, even though I got to sleep through the night and didn't have to get up for the bathroom until 5:30 AM (wow!), I used both a FRER and Wondfo and both were still solid, clear positives.

So came to work, kept drinking my water, and got another faint positive on a Wondfo. (Yes, I realize this is an awful lot of peeing on sticks. Pffft, I say. I need lots of reassurance & this is how I get it :P ) Still feeling better than I think I ought to feel as a newly-pregnant lady on a ton of meds, but I wonder if maybe that's because embryos are sucking up the hormones so I'm not getting the side effects - unlike round #2 when I had every possible pregnancy side effect but no baby in there.

My beta appointment is at 8 AM on Saturday, so I just have to email the Greek doctor's orders over to the RE today or tomorrow. Pretty sure at this point it's going to be positive, the question is just *how* positive... and whether it doubles. Sounds like beta #2 will then be on Monday, so I guess we'll see.

Then another TWW, most likely, before we can have an ultrasound. I don't think I'll really be able to escape the anxiety until we get to the point where there is/are heartbeat(s) on the screen. Even so, I don't think I'll be able to hold myself back from excitement and planning and all of that until the ultrasound. We've been waiting so long for this... so long, to feel like life is really moving forward and we're really going to be able to get off the TTC-train at last and take the next step into pregnancy and parenthood... and it's kind of not possible to already start getting excited about doing all the things we've wanted to do for ages that we keep setting aside for "when we're not TTC-ing anymore." A lot of that is money-related - I have wanted to put a real floor in our basement for years, but couldn't afford it. We've wanted to elope (likely to Vegas, because if you're going to elope you should do it right), but couldn't afford it. And, of course, there's the nursery, and all the millions of daydreams about the wall mural and sewing little blankets and curtains and cushions that go with the theme, and acquiring all the furniture and setting it up to be our baby(ies)'s room... and some of the less romantical things about it, like bringing in an electrician to wire up ceiling boxes for overhead fans (why oh why did the house builders think that having no overhead lighting in bedrooms was a good idea???) and starting to think about remodeling the upstairs bath which will end up being the kiddo bathroom and... and... and...

You see what I mean. It's like life has been on hold for ages while we poured everything we had into this. And truthfully, we won't be able to do a lot of things right away anyway, because we've got to make a nice big dent in the debts accrued while TTC. But I'll admit, I'm already kinda sorta researching Montessori schools (there's one near our house that takes kids as young as 12 months) and daydreaming.

Cart miles before the horse. I know. But when you've dreamed of things for so long, even started to wonder if you'd never actually get there, it's hard not to get crazy excited.

And being excited and daydreaming is loads more fun than angsting over whether my pregnancy test line is getting darker and WHY IS IT NOT DARKER YET. :P Also, it's really only the equivalent of 12DPO. I should be grateful there's even a second line at all, not to mention how solid and clear it is.

So daydreaming it is. Right after I finish working on this pile of files on my desk!

IVF#3 8DP3DT - Always Something to Worry About!

So last night I took a FRER, and this morning I took a digital, and here you go:

(also a better pic of yesterday afternoon's stick)

So it's definitely BFP. Of course, now begins the contemplation of whether it's multiples, and if so, how many.

If that weren't enough, this morning I woke up with the heavy-tummy feeling completely gone, plenty of energy, no nausea, no moodiness, boob soreness gone and it doesn't seem like I have to pee. So now, even though I'm staring at the pic of the digital that says PREGNANT, I am second-guessing whether it's going to end up a chemical. And trying really hard to redirect those thoughts to "this is going to work, it HAS worked, we're taking a baby home this time." But ooooh, it feels like each little triumph is such a double-edged sword, because the stakes get higher.

And I guess it's always going to feel that way. After a positive beta, "will it double?" After a doubling beta, "will the ultrasound be ok? Will there be heartbeats? How many?" After a successful ultrasound, "will the next one be ok? and the next? Will I make it through the first trimester?" I think it's just never going to end. The uncertainty of TTC just turns into the uncertainty of pregnancy, so all this positive-thinking discipline I've been working on is far from over.

In the meantime, I am pretty far behind at work and have a bunch of meetings today. This week will likely be spent playing catch-up from the week I was out, before I can get to the new project my boss has assigned.

But, I did get an email back from the Greek clinic today, with the letter for my RE here ordering the beta test. So after my morning meetings I'm going to call to set the appointment for the blood draw.

She also sent me the egg donor's profile, so now I have information on both of them.

Egg Donor: 25 years old, white skin, brown hair, brown eyes, Type A-, 167 cm tall (about 5'6"), 50 kg (about 110 lbs), a dental assistant.

Sperm Donor: From Cryos International Sperm Bank, Donor #6567. Danish, blue/gray eyes, brown hair, 6 feet tall, 192 lbs, Type O+ (same as me!), an "interactive digital media" student.

That's all the info available for each of them, as they're both anonymous. But it's enough, I think - looks like we're likely to have a brown haired kiddo! Trying to focus on the positive possibilities rather than the not so positive ones at the moment. Hey, we've made it all the way to a second pink line. That's huge! So we just have to make it to beta now. This is going to be the one, right? <3

IVF#3 7DP3DT - WE DID IT!!

Took another test this morning, line still squinty but more there than ever before. Certain enough, at this point, that I marked it a a BFP on my little list.

Got to work, and took another one. And there's no longer any doubt in my mind at all. The pic's not cooperating with my phone, so I may have to wait a bit to post it, but trust me... no longer a chance that it's an evap.

This is the real deal, folks. EDIT: Here's the pic. It's darker in RL, but I couldn't get my camera to pick it up well...

I am pregnant again. And with a nice early result, so here's hoping this one is sticky.

There are a million things I need to get done now, a ton of stuff on my plate, but I'm at least going to take today to enjoy that second pink line and watch it get darker. I can't wait for our beta! I just have this feeling that we're really going to take a baby home this time.

So on my lunch break I have to run to Walmart and get groceries for nice pregnant-lady lunches for the rest of the week... and while I'm at it I'll pick up some FRERs and digitals. Gonna entertain myself with peeing on sticks for the rest of the week until beta day. YAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!

Just stick, baby(ies), stick....

Due date is April 8th (if it's a singleton.)

IVF#3 6DP3DT - BFP or Evaps??

Started testing yesterday, and used up my last two pink Wondfo tests. Both BFN, of course... Yesterday would have been the equivalent of 8DPO. But then, at around 7Pm I used the first of my new batch of Wondfos, which are blue, and got a squinter.

Was so excited I couldn't sleep very well, waiting to get up and test again. And again this morning, a squinter. Tested four times today, and all of them have faint second lines, and I even had Kaitlin look at them and she thinks they're gradually getting darker too. Today is the equivalent of 9DPO.

But, I googled these blue tests and it would seem they are knock offs, not real Wondfos... And I found several complaints about them giving  evaps/false positives. So all I can really do is keep testing (I have 50 tests, so I can pretty much do it as much as I want) and see if the line gets any darker. Right now it's so faint it could be an evap. But would I really get evaps on five tests in a row? Maybe, I guess, if the test batch was just made that way. Still, it's a bit of hope, and it's still really early for testing. So, I'm not calling a BFP yet, but maybe tomorrow will tell whether the line gets darker or keeps coming up like this.

In other weekend news I did very little for two days besides hard core loafing on the couch. And bashed my hand into the refrigerator door while making dinner tonight, it really hurt! In terms of pregnancy symptoms, they've sort of come and gone. Most of the heavy-tummy feeling is gone now, except for a few minutes here and there. I've had an awful lot of tearful outbursts, my boobs are sore, and I've been really tired. Only a little bit of nausea. The majority of the time it doesn't feel like anything much at all. Back to work tomorrow; by this time next week we'll have our answer. Beta is supposed to be on Saturday, but I have to get my Greek doctor to send me the letter so I can get the appointment.

In the meantime, taking a fistful of tests and a little cup to work with me tomorrow. Please little second line, get darker!!!!

IVF#3 4DP3DT – Biding Time

So today would be the equivalent of 7 DPO. Whereas with IVF#2 I had every single symptom under the sun, even this early, yesterday and today have been really mild. A bit of nausea, mostly at mealtimes;  a bit of constipation, though nowhere near as awful as last time; a bit of fatigue (that could very well be jet lag) followed by an unusual amount of energy;  and a bit of moodiness, though again nowhere near as bad as the last round. Oh, and an appetite that’s either ravenous or non-existent, depending on the nausea.

The most prevalent and constant “symptom” is one I had even before the embryo transfer, and that’s the heavy, full feeling. It’s similar to the sensation right before a period starts, where it just feels like the uterus is full and dragging down a bit. The muscles feel tired, as if I did three hundred sit-ups several days ago and the worst of the soreness has past, and now the muscles aren’t painful but they’re tired and overly sensitive… that’s the best way I can think of to describe it. Sometimes they twinge or twitch a little. Sometimes it actually feels a little achy. But it never goes away, so it’s a 24/7 reminder of the TWW. Kind of hard to successfully not-think-about-whether-I-am-pregnant when the sensation is neverending. Pffft.

And, while I know it’s silly, I swear I worry every time I bend over, every time I stand longer than 60 seconds, every time I laugh or go to the bathroom or even just stretch in the morning – because those muscles are sensitive I’m hyper aware of every time I use them, and a little red flag pops up in the back of my mind going “hey, be careful!” X.x

Had an odd dream last night about a really young, really thin girl who was pregnant and had two kids already. Her belly was almost see-through and I could see her baby pressing its hands against her stomach from the inside. I spent most of the dream taking care of her two older children, and running around this big mansion trying to find her so that they could see their mom. No clue what it might mean, if it means anything at all, but it was vivid enough that I apparently still remember it hours later. Oh, and there was a huge, old ballroom in this mansion, that was magnificent but had gone unused for probably eighty years, and was mostly forgotten and  obsolete, and used to store toys that belonged to the owner’s children.

Freud would probably have a field day.

Oh, and let’s see, in the last two days at work I have seen no less than 3 hugely pregnant women, one teeny tiny brand new newborn, and more toddlers than I could count on one hand. And I have this weird emotional response, angry and sad and wistful and happy happy happy all at the same time.  Mostly the hormones, I’m sure, but sheesh.

It would make me feel better to get an early, strong BFP, and high beta numbers. I had a later BFP last time (about 13DPO) and low beta numbers (starting at 190) and part of me wonders if that’s because baby was headed for a miscarriage from the start. At the same time, early strong results are often indicative of multiples… so about three seconds after I were to get them I’d be all worried about what it might *mean* in terms of the quantity. LOL.

That’s really all there is to report at the moment. Definitely staying busy at work, though I’m really glad it’s Friday. I have a few small chores planned for the weekend, but otherwise I’ll probably spend it camped on the couch watching Korean drama. Sunday is the first day I’m letting myself POAS – it will be 6DP3DT, or around 9 DPO. Way early, I know, but if this is going to work I want that info as soon as it is physically possible. I remember, after we got our BFP in December, what an amazing sense of peace it was, long before we went in for the beta… and the TWW was no longer agonizing as soon as that second pink line showed up and I already knew what the beta was going to say.

Of course I knew at beta #2 in April, too. But I much prefer knowing before the lab confirms it, to the agony of waiting a full 14 days without a clue. Right now waiting just two more days to POAS, even knowing that I’m unlikely to see a BFP that early, feels like it is just soooooooo long. :P

IVF#3 2DP3DT - Home Sweet Home

loooooong trip home yesterday! Fairly uneventful, though, as traveling goes. We took a taxi to he airport, had a ten hour flight to Philly, a three and a half hour layover, and another near-four hour flight to get home, where a friend was kind enough to pick us up. Oh, the luxury of sleeping in our own (soft) bed, with my own (soft and plump) pillow!! Today we are taking it easy, unpacking and driving the 2 hours down to my mom's house to retrieve my dog, and taking care of other odds and ends. Tomorrow, back to work.

Not feeling a whole lot in terms of symptoms, still peeing a bunch and have that low, achy tummy feeling like I did before the transfer, as if my uterus is swollen. :P But that's about it. Still really trying to think positively, though seems like that gets just a little harder every day. So much disappointment over the last year and a half makes it hard to hold faith that this time will be different.

Even though I kind of think it will?

Because we had three day embryos this time, the TWW feels longer. Like, today is the day we would have had the transfer if we'd had 5-day embryos. And it really won't make sense to start taking tests until Sundayish, which is about the equivalent of 9 DPO... And still early for testing. So that means getting through today, two days back at work, and one day of weekend, probably just to get a negative test the first few times. :P the TWW always makes me feel like a little kid again. remember when, as a child, an hour was FOREVER... And two weeks might as well be an eternity? As you age time seems to go by faster, or maybe there's just more perspective so it seems more fleeting. Not during the TWW, though. It feels like you've hit the slow-mo button on life's remote, and the next two weeks will take a jillion years.

Interestingly, while TTC-ers are agonizing over the will-it-or-won't-it wait, those little embryos are working like tiny energizer bunnies, fighting for their little lives by trying to grow big enough to attach to the uterine wall before they run out of steam. For them every moment probably feels like the ticking of a bomb, passing way too fast... And we hopeful mommies are only agonizing because we have no way of knowing how they're doing in there, and so very few things we can do to help them. Sigh. If only there was a way to get a status report each day of their progress. My uterus needs email, lol...

"Good morning, expectant mother. We have some good news and some bad news this morning; overnight Embryo #3 arrested, and is sadly no longer viable. However, Embryos #1 and #2 have reached blastocyst stage, and are expected to hatch sometime today. And Embryo #4, though a bit behind the others, is performing surprisingly well, and may reach blastocyst before close of business this afternoon. Please continue timely medicine delivery. The next update is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8:00 AM sharp."

Would sure be nice.

Anyway, going to really start pushing my name change tomorrow. Have to change it at the bank, and on all my utilities, and most importantly get those IT guys at work to give me my new email address so I can start using it full time there. So, project for the TWW...

IVF#3 CD23 - D-day, Part Deux

Okay, back at the hotel after the embryo transfer.

We did have another long wait in the waiting room, both before and after the transfer, but I guess I am better prepared for the wait times now since they didn't seem nearly so difficult as the first cycle (or maybe it's just that I'm not jet lagged anymore, LOL)

So, the doctor did stop to see us pre-transfer this time, unlike round #2. And, though we have 3 day embryos this round, he was really pretty excited... Said we had four and he was going to use them all. If that had happened on the first or even the second round I probably would have panicked. Instead, I only got bug eyed for a few minutes before thinking what the hell. It's just a sign that this is, indeed, our month. So we went upstairs, I changed onto the little plastic booties and cotton gown thing, and they were nice and let Kaitlin into the procedure room with me. Maybe it's just because she was there, I don't know, but it seems like it was a lot less uncomfortable than transfer #2. Also, the doctor asked for a special catheter for me, and then paused in the middle of the procedure ( leaning a little on one of my knees as he did) and explained that he had invented this particular catheter some 20 years ago, and when he went to Cornell in the U.S. he ran into a doctor who was very excited to show him this fancy catheter they were using for curved cervixes like mine, and he had to tell the guy he knew all about it seeing as how he was the one who'd come up with it to start with.

It was kind of awkward and calming at the same time, actually, that he paused mid-procedure to tell us all that... It did actually make me feel more relaxed, oddly, though it was a little strange to be having a conversation with a guy who had various bits of metal and plastic holding my nether regions open. :p  but anyway, the whole thing took like three minutes and it was done. Got rolled back out to the gurney room for my hour of laying down, and talked for a little while with a lovely woman from London (I think she may have been of Indian descent, though she had the prettiest British accent). Finally finished with that, went downstairs, waited a while longer for what is basically the exit interview with the nurse and doctor. Only had to pay another 13 euro for medication, because I'd given her a count of all the meds I still had and she said it would be all I needed.

And then we took a taxi back to the hotel, and I am currently lying down for my bed rest after sending Kaitlin to go get food, as I am starving.

And that's that, folks. The TWW begins again! I feel peaceful about it, at least for now, as if it really is a done deal and this one is going to work. Our test date is August 1, but I'll probably start POAS-ing around 6DP3DT... So like, next Sunday. It's the equivalent of 9DPO, so highly unlikely anything will show up by then, but I like to start early so as to hopefully know as soon as is humanly possible.

We fly home tomorrow. I took Wednesday off, both to recover from jet lag and to go pick up my puppy from my mom... Will probably unpack and such too.

Four. Surely four will do the trick this time...

IVF#3 CD 23 - D-day

Woke up at about 4:30 to pee and can't go back to sleep. Guess I'm too excited about the transfer today. It is, after all, the whole reason we're here... For the third time.... And I really want this to finally be the one. This is going to be the one.

Yesterday we walked to the mall near our hotel and scoped out the food options for today. Ate some of the best Italian food I've ever had in my life, and took the leftovers back for dinner. Spent a little time cooling off in the pool, showered, watched a movie, ate dinner and went to bed around 9. That could be why I'm up so early now, too.

Our transfer is at 9 am, so basically we're getting up & dressed, eating breakfast, and taking the assortment of trains and metro needed to get to my doctors office. Don't know how long it will take, but once it's done we'll be taking a taxi back, and then it's bed rest for me the rest of the day.

so in a few hours I will be pregnant, and I just have to hope I stay that way long enough to get to meet our little one(s) in person. 60% odds aren't bad. And something like 75% of women are successful after three tries. Begging the universe to let it be me this time...

More updates later.

IVF#3 CD22 - One More Sleep

The three-day transfer thing has me a little weirded out. All of the internet's oh-so-helpful charts would insist that chances aren't as good with three day embryos. And when I went back and looked at my blog entries from my last trip, I am suspicious whether I actually had 5-day embryos last time. If they didn't do fertilization until the final lining ultrasound, the the embryos would have been three-day last time too. Some clinics on the internet swear by the three day, most swear by five. I am sure that my first transfer, the one where I got pregnant, was a five day, because they scanned me on a Monday and I had the transfer on a Friday. I also get the impression that my Greek doctor may not understand the relevance of the 3day vs 5 day transfer question, when I've asked him. Maybe for him they're interchangeable? Or maybe they really did do the fertilization a couple days before my scan last time? Maybe the last two really were five day, and they're switching it up this time to see if it helps? Maybe it REALLY DOESN'T MATTER???

I don't know.

Anyway, yesterday after breakfast we went downtown and I sat in a (hot) garden for a couple hours while Kaitlin went to the coin museum she really wanted to see. Then we had lunch, and I introduced her to the yogurt bebap thing that was so yummy last time- she loved it too. We walked around a little and then went back to the hotel for rest and to watch a movie. We were smart this time, and bought sandwiches and fruit to take back to the room with us for dinner so we wouldn't be starving OR have to spend a fortune at the hotel restaurant.

Today is a loafing day. Eating breakfast now, will probably watch movies and hang out by the pool most of the day. We do have to go out at some point to get food though, probably to the mall nearby. We haven't taken nearly as many pictures this time around either, I guess because with each repeated visit Athens starts feeling more like our own backyard, as if we've merely gone downtown for a few days. :P

Tomorrow is D-day, for better or worse, followed by even more hard-core loafing. I still just keep trying to repeat to myself that we're picking up our baby tomorrow. It has more of a "done-deal" feel to it, though uncertainty is hard to push down right now. Kaitlin keeps telling me to get off the internet. :P She's probably right. Nothing online is going to make my chances better or worse, other than making me nervous. LOL.

Well, anyway, one more sleep till our baby is in me... My biggest job right now is to take my meds, hydrate, relax, and show up to the doctor's office on time. I can do that, right? Not so hard. The rest is up to the doctor, the embryologist, and ultimately, the embryos themselves. Come on, little babies... You can doooo eeet!!

IVF#3 CD 21 - Back in Athens

Jet lag is hitting pretty hard this time around, so I haven't had it in me to blog yet. But anyway, we wrapped things up at home, got my dog to my mom's, caught a ride with a friend to the airport, made it through transfers to Philly and Paris before hitting Athens, and then took the metro, suburban railway, and walking to our hotel. Long trip...

First thing we did after arriving was go for a swim in the hotel pool. I still have some water in my ear (annoying!) then yesterday we went to Embio for an ultrasound. doc says my lining is 10mm with the right striations, so they were going to do fertilization that day and the embryo transfer will be on Monday at 9 am. Means we're apparently having a 3 day transfer this time, where the others have been 5 day. Not sure whether this is a good thing or a bad one?? I guess, since the other two haven't worked, that it's maybe one of the few things we can do to change it up and try something different for success. The nurse reiterated there's a 60% chance of success. I think I'm just hoping, if we have to do a three day transfer, that we have three embryos again this time. I'm not going to say a word to the doc about limiting it to two, not this time. I just want a sticky BFP once and for all.

I was doing well with my optimism and positive thinking up to this point, but it's getting harder to hold on to as D-day approaches. Hard not to think about how much I need this one to work, or how long it will be before we'll have another shot at it if it doesn't. Also, the meds contribute a lot to moodiness and general discomfort... I've been nauseous for the past four or five days now, and the peeing every ten seconds has resumed, so it's harder to stay cheerful and confident when feeling crummy before there's even an embryo in there!

Still, I know lots of people get positive results on a three day transfer. There might even be a chance at having some embies to freeze. Maybe perhaps?? The doc didn't mention that so I'm not really counting on it, but I do know that we haven't had any the last two times so who knows.

Today Kaitlin wants to go downtown to see the ancient coin museum. Then I think we'll probably grab lunch and some take-back-to-the-hotel snacks in Monastiraki, since we're having to watch our budget very closely this round and so last night had to make our somewhat expensive pizza stretch into two meals... I woke up starving and hit the breakfast buffet as soon as it opened.

Anyway, because Monday is transfer day, and we fly home Tuesday, basically we're going to have the transfer, go back to the hotel for bed rest the rest of the day, and then I am putting Kaitlin in charge of getting us home (calling taxis, pulling luggage, getting us from one place to the next, administering shots.) I am going to do nothing whatsoever, because the point is to be as relaxed and rested as possible for the next few days. But, the three day transfer means I probably wouldn't get a positive HPT until the following weekend, at the earliest... So the TWW may be a couple days longer than it's been in the past.

Just have to keep telling myself that this one is going to work.

By the way, a Facebook meme I took today says that I am destined to have one child, a boy. I'd be delighted if it came true. Because as we all know, Facebook never lies. :P

IVF#3 CD16 - Almost Ready To Leave

As I told Kaitlin this morning, just two more sleeps until we're on our way to pick up our baby. :P

Over the weekend we did some household chore type things - cleaned catboxes, did laundry, and spent an entire day cleaning half the kitchen. Also made a packing list, and packed everything that it's possible to pack early.

Today, I had to set up the USForEx funds transfer (done first thing in the morning), email my doctor's office for continued medication instructions (also done first thing), then go to the bank on my lunch break and wire the funds to USForEx (done) and go to the store for cat litter and toothpaste (also done.) Still on the list for this evening: I have to package up the little doll outfit that sold on Etsy, and make a little pack for my dog so that she'll have supplies during her stay at my mom's house.

I also, somewhere in there, need to order more copies of my latest book so I can send one to my mom and one to a contest winner; and, I need to order more pregnancy tests so that I can POAS to my heart's content when we get back from Greece.

This afternoon, Kaitlin has a dentist appointment to get the cap on one of her teeth fixed. Also, I got instructions from my doctor to begin taking 5 estrogen pills a day from today through Wednesday. Wednesday will also be our last Lupron injection; no injection on Thursday, instead we're increasing estrogen to 6 pills/day and adding 4 200mg Progesterone/day. Heparin starts after the transfer (ugh...)

Tomorrow, Kaitlin's going to get home from work, make us some sandwiches, and bring sandwiches, dog, and dog pack down to my work, where she'll pick me up. Then we have to drive together down to my mom's house, drop dog off, and drive home.

Wednesday morning we'll have to get up early, finish packing, get dressed, make sure the cats have clean boxes and plenty of water, and I think we have a friend taking us to the airport. Plane takes off at 11, and from then on it's just traveling, getting to the hotel, and getting to the doctor's office at 11 on Friday for an ultrasound.

This is going to be it, right? I feel like it will be.

In the meantime, this was on my Facebook feed today.

IVF#3 CD12 - We Have Travel Dates

Got an email back from Embio this morning, saying that they expect the embryo transfer will be sometime between the 17th and the 20th... so I bought our plane tickets. It takes two days to get to Greece, just one to get home, because of the time difference. We're leaving at about 11 AM on Wednesday the 15th, arriving at about 4:30 PM on Thursday the 16th, with a 3 hour layover in Paris.  On the way home we'll head out at around 11 AM and be home by 9:30 PM on Tuesday the 21st. I've asked for the 22nd off of work too, so that there will be plenty of time to do bed rest before going back to work.

Since the hotel I wanted was sold out I found another one that does have a nice outdoor pool, and the reviews say that the food is good and the wifi signal is free and accessible from the rooms. That's pretty much all I really want - oh, and the beds don't look super hard, at least not in the pictures. I'm learning that those European hotels really seem to like rock-hard mattresses, ugh. So this time around we're staying at the Civitel Attik Rooms and Apartments. We're also flying on American Airlines/US Airways instead of Delta, which I'm kind of happy about. I haven't had the best experience with Delta, particularly during my last trip... so it's nice to see what a different airline has to offer. (And best of all, NO LAYOVER AT JFK. I'm really happy about that.)

So here we go, I guess... Now begins the whirlwind. I have four business days left to get a work coverage plan together and get all of my work caught up and arranged before I leave. I have one weekend to finish cleaning projects and pack. And somewhere in there, I have to get the 4500 Euro wired to Embio's Swiss bank. In the meantime, taking my estrogen and Lupron and waiting for further medication instructions.

Now back to work... so much to do, so little time!

IVF#3 CD11 - Getting Closer

Had my second ultrasound of the cycle today. Lining is up to 7.1 mm. It was 7.4 at the second scan last cycle, so that makes me pretty convinced we'll end up in Greece next week. I sent the results off to Embio and am waiting for their response. I'm going to shoot for being there for another week... while I don't like taking so much time off of work, ultrasounds cost me over $300 here, and yet are free there. I can save $300 just by arriving a little early and hanging out until the transfer date. I also think it's a good way to relax and unwind before the transfer. And, while I don't like being away from work for so long, it's not like I don't have a TON of leave hours. ^^;

So, waiting for travel dates. SUPER grateful that Embio's bank account, where I wire my treatment payments, is in Switzerland and not Greece, because the foreign exchange service I'm using is currently unable to send any money to Greek banks. We have to make sure we take enough cash in Euros to be able to feed ourselves, pay for meds, and pay for taxis while we're there, since it sounds like all their ATMs are pretty much out of service.

I'm a little bummed because the hotel I was hoping to stay at has sold out. I really wanted to stay at a hotel with a pool this time around, because it's going to be blazing hot. I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to swim after the transfer, but that doesn't mean I can't hang by the pool and put my feet in the water. :P Still, if it's going to be ridiculously expensive I'll probably have to just suck it up and stay wherever is most economical. We won't really know what our options are until we know our travel dates, though.

Still feeling good about this cycle... and I've been able to pretty much successfully keep myself thinking positive, which is not an easy feat, let me tell you. :P But I've been preoccupying myself with Korean drama and thoughts of our "It's A Small World" nursery (I actually bounced out of bed this morning and chattered Kaitlin's ear off about it as she was trying to get ready for work, LOL.)

Kaitlin was off at an event all last weekend, and I had a three-day weekend because of the holiday. And how, you may ask, did I decide to spend all this luxurious free time? Why, CLEANING. Yeah. For THREE DAYS. I scrubbed and swept and mopped and wiped and reorganized and sorted until every bone in my body was exhausted. And while there are still a couple rooms in the house I haven't gotten to yet, the nice, neat, clean rooms is really making me happy. I've been making Kaitlin keep it nice, too, for the past few days. :P This weekend I'll be enlisting her help to do the same with the kitchen and the office.

I also came up with some healthy, balanced lunch-snack-packs for her to grab and take with her to work in the morning... which will hopefully result in her ingesting a greater number of vegetables in her daily diet. :P And with my car and my house clean, and my little fridge at work full of salad and veggies and healthy stuff, and my desk at work pretty clear, I am feeling lovely about life at the moment. I can't wait to get to Greece, pick up our babies and bring them home. <3 We're ready.

So next on the babymaking schedule is to get travel dates, request time off work, buy plane tickets and hotel reservations, get cash to take with us, wire the treatment fee to Embio before we go, and pack. In the meantime, nightly Lupron shots and estrogen during the day... and stop Lupron / start progesterone once the doc says to. Then we travel out there, get a scan, hang out for a couple days, do the transfer, start heparin (of all of it that's the part I hate most), hang out on bed rest for as long as possible, come home... and wait for that second pink line to show up on a pregnancy test.

This being our third round, all this insanity is actually starting to feel kind of routine. As if it's no big deal to plunk down a few thousand dollars and fly halfway round the globe on a few days' notice. I was thinking this morning how amazing it is that we can leave Denver and arrive in Athens in the same amount of time that it would take to drive from Denver to Portland, or Denver to Austin. And once you've gone to the same "exotic" faraway city several times, it starts feeling familiar, as if it's really not THAT far away after all. It really is a small world, after all. *insert groans of cheesiness here*

Bracing myself for the insanity of progesterone. Now that we've been around the block a few times I think I've figured out that while Lupron gives me hot flashes and insomnia, and estrogen can make me moody, it's the darned progesterone that really turns me into a crazy person. Combined with the uncertainty of the TWW and nightly nasty fat-needle heparin shots, I wear down so fast while I'm on it. I think a little more self-awareness may help this time around - at least I hope it will. I'm going to remind myself that all the negativity and anxiety and panic and stress isn't actually me, it's the meds. And that I've got this. No matter what happens with this roll of the dice, I've got this. Everything's going to be okay.

One way or another, there will come a day when we are moms.

Bring it on.

IVF#3 CD5 - This Will Be Our Month

I've been avoiding blogging much lately. It's too easy, when I'm actively blogging, to be reminded of all the unfulfilled hope we've encountered so far... too easy to focus on unknowns and start angsting. I've been trying something different this time around, and every time an "is this round going to fail too" thought comes into my head, I've been repeating "this one will work, this one will work.". To the point where I kind of actually believe it.

The odds are way, way in our favor at this point. Our clinic has a 70% success rate - it worked the first time, but we miscarried. It didn't work the second time. Statistics say this should be the one. And things this round are going a lot more similarly to our first round, where we got SO close. For the second round I was on Lupron for ages before finally getting permission to start the estrogen. But this time, I've only been on it for eleven days, and they're having me start estrace today. I just have a better feeling about it, overall.

So here's a sum-up since my last post: We started Lupron on the 21st. Compared to the heparin shots, the lupron is actually pretty painless (in spite of my ongoing fear of needles.) My period started on the 28th, later than I expected. I had an ultrasound on the 30th (CD3) and my lining is just over 5mm. The doctor in Greece says that's good, so as of today I start the estrogen regimen - one pill for two days, two pills for two days, three pills for three days, and then four pills until transfer - usually another 4-5 days out. I have to go in for another ultrasound on 7/8, next Wednesday.

Though they don't have exact travel dates yet, that puts us in Greece around the second/third week of July -- that's in two weeks! And I just keep telling myself that we're going to Greece to pick up our babies and bring them home. That this one is going to be our month. Due date would be in April - I like that.

I went to the baby shower that I was nervous about. I think the best way to describe how I felt being there was happy and wistful. I did get to hold the tiny baby, who was so sweet and precious, and my friend asked whether we were going to be trying for a baby soon. I managed not to launch a huge me-me-me conversation (I think) so yay for that. :P And other than twinges of envy over the cute nursery and precious baby, I was actually pretty darn okay - happy to be there, to get to hold the baby and share in my friends' joy for their newborn. I had a good time AND my friend even suggested, when she handed me her baby to hold for a little bit, that he would be a good luck charm for us. ♥ Here's hoping!

We've been saving HARD and will have just JUST enough for this third attempt without having to float much on a credit card, I think. I've decided that if my intuition is wrong and this isn't it for us either, I'll be spending the next six months or so, while we save up for another go, on SlimFast and the Couch to 5K program, to try and drop the 15 pounds or so that I've gained over the last two years from all the meds. I know I'll feel better, overall, if I can get my body back into shape during the break - the weight gain certainly hasn't helped when it comes to the frustrations of this whole process.

In the meantime, though, my name change has been submitted at work and I'm just waiting for a new email, new network login, etc. so I can announce it to pretty much everybody and start using it. I won't change it on my passport, bank account or credit cards until after we get  back from Greece, though, since I don't want there to be any issues while we're traveling.

And of course I can't not mention that last Friday, 6/26/15, the Supreme Court mandated that all of the United States MUST allow same-sex couples to marry. Colorado has already been issuing licenses for about six months, but this is just huge. Our plan was always to elope after I got pregnant, and after the baby was born spend a little time saving up (and I could get back into wedding-dress shape) so we could throw a wedding. But if this next round doesn't work, I think we'll probably talk about doing the elopement anyway - it won't be nearly as expensive, I don't think, if we don't travel out of state for it. And then Kaitlin can change her name too ^~ Not to mention the medical benefits!

It's good to have a contingency plan. But for now I'm going to keep chanting it: This Will Be Our Month. This Will Be Our Month. I even wrote it on a bit of paper and taped it to my computer monitor at work ...

I Would Die For That

Someone posted this song on the NorthWest Andrology forums and I basically had to close my office door and take a moment to bawl my eyes out. This is basically my heart song at the moment.

So not a whole lot of exciting updates right now. We were supposed to go hiking for my birthday, but after driving the three hours into the mountains it turned out that the trail was flooded due to all the rain and they wouldn't let us up. So we kept going into Glenwood Springs instead, and went to the Glenwood Cavern Adventure Park. It cost a lot more than what I was planning to spend on my birthday, but we did have a good time - took a cave tour, and rode a couple of the rides, and generally just acted goofy.

Since the hiking trail we planned for today was closed, we're on a team headed for Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park instead. Kaitlin is very excited.

A photo posted by Meg (@meghannmccall) on Jun 14, 2015 at 11:12am PDT

Also confirmed that we start Lupron on the 21st, which is this coming Sunday. Pride is this weekend, and I'll be there at a booth with my books and some of the other authors from my publishing house. It should be a good time, even if I do have to start getting shots again. I got my updated social security card, and went to the DMV last week, but haven't gotten my new driver's license in the mail yet - once that comes in I can actually start changing my name on everything, especially at work. Since work is where I spend the vast majority of my life, I think it will feel a lot more like a "real" change once I'm able to use my name there...

Anyway, we're doing okay in terms of savings for our third round. Trying to think positive... the odds are that it should really, really work this time. But it's also hard to think about what we'll do next if it doesn't. Since thinking about getting pregnant is way more fun, I'm trying to focus on dreaming about that instead. But dreaming is dangerous. *Sigh* Still, I only have two choices: spend the next few weeks anxious, or spend them excited. Neither one will have any effect on the outcome, most likely, but they'll have a big effect on our quality of life.

So, excited it is. :P

I have a baby shower to attend for a friend next weekend. I'm halfway SUPER excited, and halfway nervous. On the one hand, I get to hold a tiny baby (SQUEE) and see my friends and congratulate them. On the other (insert major selfishness) they have a baby and I don't, and I am jealous. I have a big mouth, and it's going to be really hard to not blurt out to everybody that we're trying to have a baby too and it's been so hard and expensive and taken so much time and wah, wah, wah, me, me, me when it's THEIR party for their new little family. So I'm doing my best to focus on being happy for THEM (because I am!) without making it about myself.

So yeah... that's where we're at right now. Lupron, then the start of my next AF, then another $500 ultrasound / bloodwork, then weeks more of Lupron while we wait for Embio to tell us when we should plan to be there and when the transfer date will be... waiting and waiting and more waiting...