39WK3d - he's not here yet

We got the first sneak peek of our amazing maternity shoot with Briony Hope Photography. Turned out so pretty! I think this may be the most skin I've ever posted on the Internet, but oddly Briony made me feel prettier and sexier at eight months pregnant than I ever could have imagined. Really can't wait to see the rest of the pics from the set...

In the meantime, every day is a new strange grab bag of symptoms. My hands, particularly the first two fingers and thumb, go numb while I'm sleeping, so they've started to feel very swollen and the joints are sore, like arthritis. Baby Searc likes to wiggle around a lot, jamming his hands and elbows into my bladder and his feet and toes into my ribs. I have so little energy and even less mobility.  But it's kind of fun to watch my stomach squirming around as he moves. It's kind of hard to connect those sensations and movements with the fact that there's a real person, a tiny person inside my body right now. I think it may not end up feeling truly real until he's actually here.

I've had a ton of doctor appointments, every one shows he's doing well and on track, even on the big side (eep). At one of the appointments last week the doctor was checking my cervix and did some membrane clearing, which she said might induce labor, but no such luck. Made it through the weekend feeling uncomfortable and stiff and achy, but no contractions. And now it is 4 am and I am so congested I can't breathe or sleep. Drinking third trimester tea in the hope that it will get baby moving along. Since he didn't come this weekend, I have to go to work today... And I am not looking forward to the long commute or all the things I am responsible for doing up to the point when labor starts and I can finally go on leave.

From what I can find on the Internet, the congestion is supposed to go away within a couple weeks of delivery. I really hope that's true because now that the nasal sprays no longer really work, the one thing I haven't tried yet is Sudafed. Once it gets late enough this morning I'm going to go to the drug store for some, but I'm not holding out much hope - Sudafed has never worked very well for me.

If baby doesn't come today or tomorrow, I have my next appointment tomorrow afternoon. Last week the doctor mentioned that they could let me go as much as a week overdue, but when we hit the due date we could also induce. My doctor's office measured the due date as April 6, even though I happen to know it's April 8th based on the date of conception. At this point though I don't want to quibble... If they're willing to induce me on Wednesday or Thursday I'll take it.

I'm pretty terrified of the birth and delivery process. Had a meltdown when I started thinking seriously about the IV they're going to give me... I have a phobia of needles but it's really a phobia of foreign objects stuck in my skin, and IVs go in and just... Hang out there, being foreign. *shudder* not as worried about the epidural because once the medicine starts the epidural site also goes numb. Nothing's going to make the IV sit numb, though. And of course then I have all the other normal anxieties about birthing... How will I manage the pain when I have no pain tolerance, what if I tear, what if they have to cut me, what if I end up with a c-section (recovery sounds horrible), how will I be able to go to the bathroom after? All these totally unglamorous things that I just have to keep reminding myself if other women survive them, often repeatedly, then I'm going to make it through ok. And I'm only doing it once, and everybody promises me it will be worth it in the end... I know I must believe that because I wouldn't have fought so long to make this baby otherwise.

Deep breath. Truly, pregnancy has upped my anxiety levels to preposterous proportions. I've been on a crazy hormone trip for so many years now that sometimes I'm not even sure who I'll end up being once this roller coaster comes to a stop. :/

Anyway. I've been feeling so crummy between pregnancy discomforts and work stress that I haven't felt much like blogging, even though we have the nursery mural done and I'm super excited with how it turned out. I'll get around to blogging the pictures soon, promise. Right now, literally just trying to make it through the next couple hours of congested hell so that I can get ready for the work day and get to the drug store. I have the sad feeling that there will be no more sleep for me tonight :(

37WK4D - Home Stretch

Less than three weeks from baby boy's due date, and so many developments I will basically have to list them in bullets:

Symptoms (I have, like, everything right now)

• I sleep for maybe 5 hours a night until the congestion keeps me from being able to go back to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. Also, my first two fingers and thumb on each hand go numb after I've been laying down for a while, which is distracting.
• Excessively thirsty. Can't seem to drink enough water.
• Swelling in my ankles and hands has actually gone down. Still a little bit going on but nowhere near as painful or crippling as a couple weeks ago. Very, very grateful for the relief from this one.
• Congestion is increasingly worse, and harder to manage even with nasal spray... It wears off too fast.
• Tired. Nauseous, especially in the morning. Heightened anxiety.
• Belly button is almost flat with the rest of my stomach now.
• Swollen, uncomfortable girly bits. Oh, and hemorrhoids. Fun.

Last week's Doctor checkup:

• I lost two pounds (I think because the swelling has reduced) and belly didn't seem to be measuring any bigger than two weeks prior.
• They did a cervical exam, which hurt because my cervix is wayyyy high. She said it was still closed and firm, but about 66% effaced, and baby is head down.
• Baby's heart rate was in the 160's
• They ordered an ultrasound so we got to see him again. It was harder to get good image because he's big now. They estimated he was 7lbs, 8oz.... Gah!!! All his parts are in the right place and doing what they're supposed to, though. He keeps his hands up by his face, and his face mooshed into the placenta, so it was hard to get a good look at him.

Last night's developments:

• Pretty sure I had my first Braxton Hicks contraction (s). Bent down to pick up some laundry and when I straightened my whole belly felt tight, like I was trying to hold a sit-up. Stayed that way for a while. Seemed to get better when I sat down, but resumed when I got back up. There was no real beginning or end to the feeling, like I'd expected... It just was tight, then wasn't anymore. Weird.
• Also pretty sure I lost the mucus plug last night as I was peeing for the hundred millionth time. Wasn't as much as I expected and no blood or blood streaks. Just like a dime's worth of very clotted, shiny EWCM, kind of light yellow. Yay mucus. :P

Work:

• Oh, work. What a huge ball of crazy. My boss announced she is moving on to another job and her last day is 3 days before I'm due. She has always been very, very difficult to work with and I'm a little relieved to have the chance to be answerable to someone else, but the timing means my maternity coverage plan is out the window and my staff are pretty vulnerable for the next few weeks.
• One member of my staff resigned with no notice last week. Probably also a change for the better, though she was a good caseworker and her shoes will be hard to fill. We're getting to hire two contractors to replace her FTE, but I don't know if I'll be around long enough to interview and onboard them... And definitely not to train them. That means my one remaining experienced enforcement worker, who is already covering the majority of my duties because she's the only one who can, is the only resource for three newbie workers once I'm out.
• We're creating a team lead position in order to promote one of my remaining three seasoned workers into a position of more leadership (and higher pay.) but once the position posts there's a hiring process for that, too. Will I be there long enough to see it through?
• Our unit is being moved under the eligibility manager, Erin. I like her and I think it will be a nice change to report to her. In addition, they are going to hire a child support/customer service manager to report directly to her and oversee our unit. I thought I might have caught hints that Erin and our director, Dan, want me to apply for it.  I know that my soon to be former boss had no such intention and had a different person in mind for the job. Not sure if she will be part of the hiring process. Not sure if I would be screwing the team over if I apply, since if they picked me I couldn't step into the role until after maternity leave. Pretty sure that if I did apply and got the job, they would hire a new supervisor for the unit through our contract company. Also not sure how that would work but maybe it would actually be the best way to give my team the leadership they need while I'm out?
• Either way, that job is supposed to be posted in the next couple days. I am waiting for it to come out so I can read it before I decide whether to apply or not. If it does look like something I want, I have to figure out if I should talk to Erin or Dan first about whether I should apply,or just send in an app and see what they do with it, or chicken out because I don't want to see the look on my former boss' face or answer her snarky questions if she decides to be hard on me in the interview.
• All of that is, of course, assuming I don't go into labor first.

Other Developments:

Nursery painting is finally done and so, so cute. We have to wait for a chance to take pics in the daylight before we can share them, though. 

House is a wreck. I have so little mobility and energy and haven't been able to clean much. Thinking about hiring someone to do some chores as I think it would make me feel a little better.

Feeling more and more apprehensive about labor the closer we get. Labor has always been the scariest part of this whole thing for me. And of course, the closer you get the more people want to tell you their horror stories about how awful it is. What if i poop on the delivery table? What if I tear, or have to be cut? (I think I'd almost prefer a C-section, ugh.)  what if I throw up? What if the epidural doesn't work, or wears off? What if it's just horrific pain that there's nothing anybody can do anything about? Honestly I'm more scared of labor than anything else right now. Not worried for baby, I feel like he's going to be fine. Not worried for the exhaustion of a newborn's "schedule", that I can roll with the flow on. Not worried about diapers or even breastfeeding. Right now those things sound pretty manageable, in the face of pushing an eight (ten?) pound watermelon out of my body. I told Kaitlin that if I am in pain, if it's not going well, if I'm pooping or tearing or have to be cut, that I want all grandparents shooed out of the room. I'm ok with them being in there if the epidural is making things calm and bearable, but I really don't want to be self-conscious of my parents and hers looking on while I'm in bad shape.

So anyway. That's where life is right now. Still can't post pictures to this blog with my iPad, I'm going to have to find a solution to that eventually. In the meantime I've managed to kill the hour of not being able to sleep before my alarm goes off. Time to get up and head back to work...

THIRTY-SIX WEEKS

Blogging from my iPad tonight because I haven't had any time at a real computer.... So I can't post images in this one. But, a few updates that should be shared in these last few weeks... :)

I spent week 34 of pregnancy being maybe the sickest I've ever been in my adult life. Went to the doctor with bronchitis, spent the weekend and two workdays at home in bed just focusing on making it through the day. Fever, awful sinus issues, nausea, headache, body aches, a cough that got deeper by the day and liquid rattling in my lungs. Insult to injury, of course, since I'm pregnant I couldn't take any of the meds that would really make a difference. I had Tylenol, robitussin, Vicks, and mucinex, and my doctor prescribed me an antibiotic... But pretty much it was just dealing with the misery until it ran its course.

It's been three weeks and I'm only just now starting to really feel better, though the sickness took a lot out of me and I feel exponentially more tired than before. Not sure if that's just end-of-pregnancy- normal or if being sick depleted my reserves... But either way it's been rough. I still have the cough, though it's much improved compared to how it was during the worst of it. I am really thankful to be feeling better though, and I hope the whole thing passes before I go into labor. Coughing through contractions sounds like it would be just horrific :/

We are now one week away from full term! Baby boy is still kicking and squirming all over, and a few times I've lifted my shirt up so Kaitlin can watch my belly move like a scene out of "Alien". On Wednesday we went and had maternity photos taken with a very talented photographer, Briony Hope, who managed to make me feel beautiful and sexy in spite of my aching feet and swollen ankles... It was a lot of fun. We don't have any of the pics yet, but hoping to get them in the next couple weeks. I feel like they're going to turn out pretty amazing from the glimpses she gave us from the back of her camera, and I can't wait to see the finished versions.

Speaking of aching feet, the lower leg and ankle swelling so far has been one of the most unpleasant pregnancy side effects. It's dramatic enough that I have to sit at work with my legs propped up, and ice packs strapped between my ankles. The soles of my feet feel like bruised water balloons and hurt when I walk, especially on those middle-of-the-night trips to the bathroom. This is one pregnancy symptom I will really not miss. :P

The nursery still needs about two more weekends' worth of painting work, but I am loving the way it's turning out. We have the Europe wall, the castle wall, the Arctic wall, and a little more than half the Asia/Africa/Americas wall done... Just need Brazil, the US, Canada, Mexico, and then the Islands wall behind the door. Really hoping we'll get it finished before little man makes his appearance. He just better love his room for a good 6-7 years before he asks to change it, because it has been a ton of work!

Things at my job are pretty crazy. We have a brand new hire that I'm working frantically to train before I go on leave, in addition to training all my other staff and my boss on the duties each person will need to cover while I'm out. It's keeping me from being able to do as much proactive working-ahead on projects as I'd planned, which is frustrating, but I guess I can't do much else than keep pressing hard until baby decides that it's time to start my leave. The ladies at work did throw me an amazing baby shower, though, and were really generous with gifts, so I feel like we're well stocked for his initial weeks at home.

Oh, just to spice things up, my tiny min-pin decided last weekend to eat the 6-inch Subway sandwich that Kaitlin forgot to put away, and gave herself pancreatitis to the tune of a $1100 vet bill. *cries* it was so hard to watch her in pain, and I'm grateful that she seems to be almost back to normal now, but that was definitely not an expense we needed just four weeks from our due date. Sigh.

So that's what's been going on in our lives the past couple of weeks. Just biding time 'til our little Searc arrives...

ELEVEN WEEKS

Honestly I lack enthusiasm for blogging today, I just didn't want to miss our weekly milestone post. I was so miserable Wednesday that I did leave work early... went home, got in bed, and proceeded to feel worse and worse until it was time to sleep. Called in sick yesterday and managed to sleep until 9:30, which helped a little but was still sick to the point where I felt like crying by last night.

I called my OB-GYN and told them I'd changed my mind, could I please have an anti-nausea prescription after all, because the B6 wasn't working. Waited around for most of the day until I got a call in the late afternoon that they'e prescribed me Diclegis, which is basically Unisom + B6. Not what I was hoping for, both because I didn't want to not be able to take my Ambien, and because the B6 I've been taking hasn't really done any good. Still, we went over to Walgreens to pick it up... and there was an issue with my doctor not filling out the form. Drove home to get my phone (I'd left it at home thinking it would be a quick trip to the drugstore), called the OBGYN, they said they'd already completed the form and sent it to the pharmacy. Went back to the pharmacy, where they then said it wasn't the doctor's form they needed, it was that my insurance was rejecting the prescription, so if I wanted the meds I'd have to pay over $600 for them. Called my insurance, they said it was the amount of pills - I was only allowed to have 30 days and the pharmacist was submitting it for 90. Waited in line at the pharmacy AGAIN, but they still couldn't get it to go through. Waited on hold with my insurance AGAIN, only to find out that their systems were down so they couldn't approve anything.

Went home. Waited an hour. Called the pharmacy, but they reported my insurance systems were still down. Waited another hour. Was just about to call again when I got an incoming call from the pharmacist - the prescription had gone through, but they only had 5 days' worth of pills in stock, so I'd need to pick those up and then come back on Monday to pick up the rest.

Went back to the pharmacy for the fourth time and finally got the meds (well, this time I asked Kaitlin to go, because I absolutely could not stomach another car ride.) Finally got the pills and took two of them the moment they were in my possession. Went to bed - and couldn't sleep. After lying there for about three hours, got up and took just 1/4 of an Ambien pill. Was able to go to sleep.

Got up this morning for work, and by then, finally, the Diclegis had kicked in. Nausea dialed back to mildly annoying instead of hellish, but now I'm also really groggy, because I have a sleeping medication in my system even though I have to be awake. Not entirely sure which is worse, but right now I guess I'll take the grogginess over the nausea.

So I am here, at work, after all of that insanity. Really grateful that it's Friday and I only have to make it through one day at work before I get a couple more days off to rest. Really, really hoping that this is the worst that it's going to get, and that I'll be able to get back to feeling normal soon. 

Just going to try and make it through the little things at work today - staff time sheets, little daily tasks - and hopefully nothing that requires much in the way of brain power. I am super envious right now of moms who don't have to work during their first trimester. SIGH. At the same time, I have read so many horror stories of women who have had morning sickness much, much worse than mine, so I feel a little guilty for feeling so sorry for myself. It could be worse. It could be a lot worse.

Anyway, our next ultrasound is in a week, so right now just trying to make it through day by day until the sickness passes. I can make it until 5 PM, right??

Here's what BabyCenter says baby looks like today:

TEN WEEKS

We didn't get the chance to take our 10-week baby bump picture before work this morning because Kaitlin got called in for a very early workday, so we'll do that this afternoon when we both get home from work. According to the ticker and baby bump sticker, baby is the size of a prune or fig today. 

I haven't done a good job of blogging much this week, mostly because I've been feeling increasingly crappy. I'm waking up feeling more sick now, and gradually getting worse throughout the day, so most days are a struggle to keep focused at work so I can try to push the sick feeling to the back of my mind. I definitely have no energy and am already starting to experience "pregnancy brain" - making really stupid forgetful mistakes and generally having to work three times as hard to concentrate. Today was only a four-day work week, thanks to the holiday on Monday, and yet it felt like it would NEVER END. I'm really grateful that it's Friday and I can hopefully catch up on some rest over the weekend, though one way or another I have to fit in some sewing on the SCA project...

This persistent yuckiness is really keeping me from being able to focus on the more joyful parts of pregnancy, unfortunately. It's been almost four weeks of non-stop sickness, nearly 24 hours a day, and it's starting to feel like maybe I will never feel not-sick again. I know it's just temporary, but it sure does wear on a person. I am hoping so very much that it will go away after the first trimester. 

Had a dream last night that one of the managers at work "outed" my pregnancy to my staff, which was awkward. :P We still have to wait another two weeks for our next ultrasound, which is hard, since we've been spoiled by getting such frequent peeks in the early weeks. Usually I'm the one who's DYING for the next ultrasound date, but this time Kaitlin seems more anxious for it than even me, LOL. 

In the meantime, my clothes are definitely really tight, and I'm a lot more bloated than usual. I think I've gained maybe a pound or so, but no real significant change in weight... it's more like a change in body shape. I don't think it's going to be visible to anybody but me and Kaitlin at the moment, but I feel like my belly is a little firmer this week than last.

That's about it for the updates for now... just biding time, waiting to feel better. I'll post the belly pic later tonight, but in the meantime, here's  BabyCenter's projection of what baby looks like now. He/she really looks like a baby now (with a huge alien forehead, hehehe...)

9WK4D - Sick Sick Sick

Well, morning sickness continues to come and go, and fatigue is getting worse. On Saturday, I didn't have very much nausea but I was so tired I could barely move. I literally crawled downstairs after I woke up, sat on the couch all day (only getting up to grab food, water, and go to the bathroom) and crawled back upstairs at the end of the night feeling like I'd been running a marathon. Sunday and Monday were worse, because I was tired in the morning and got hit with nasty nausea in the afternoon that only got yuckier as the day went on. I did try to nap for a couple hours on Sunday, and got in a little bit of sewing in the morning on Monday, but overall it made for a long, exhausting, not-so-fun weekend. SIGH.

The pattern continues today, because I woke up this morning feeling like I haven't slept in a week (even though I slept like a brick all night) and sick to my stomach. Just went and had a hamburger and fries for lunch, because my body wanted something heavy and starchy and red-meaty, and my body cannot decide whether that has made it feel better or worse. :/ I think maybe better? A little??

Still no vomiting. Grateful for that. But it has now been three weeks of morning sickness and I am ready to be done now, kthx. :P Reduced my meds again on Saturday with no ill side effects this time... so far no spotting or scary stuff. Also grateful for that.

We did order our elopement dresses and some fun accessories this weekend - we're doing a subtle steampunk type thing, so Kaitlin gets a tiny white top hat and I get a bird cage veil, and cute shoes and gloves and so on. I do need to call the Vegas wedding chapel that we like and see if we can get on their schedule for November, I don't know how fast they fill up. And start planning the budget, because even as a "cheap" elopement it's still going to be a bit of an investment.

But that will be a project for another weekend. Right now I desperately want a nap. Unfortunately there are still three and a half hours left in the day before I can go home...

8WK4D - More spotting

I've been plugging through the morning sickness as best I can, though I've learned that I usually have 2-3 good hours in the morning after I wake up, and then feel really crappy around 11 AM - noon, and then a little bit better (but really wanting a nap) around 2 - 4, and then back to feeling increasingly crappy from about 5 PM until bedtime. Usually by the time I go to bed I am at my most miserable.

But yesterday, what started out as just the faintest tiniest itty bit of pink in the morning turned into an actual almost-light-blood-flow right when I got home from work, bright red. A couple hours later it had faded to dark brown spotting with small clots, which lessened until bedtime. Spotting is still there this morning, less in quantity and still brown.

I still feel in my gut like everything is okay with the baby - but spotting is nervewracking regardless. I did take an extra 100 mg of progesterone last night, as I suspect the reduction in meds may have brought it on. I'll do another extra 100mg tonight, and if the spotting goes away, I'll try going back to the doctor-ordered dose of 600 total. I'm supposed to reduce again this coming weekend, but I'm thinking about going to 500 for a week instead of all the way to 400, to try and lessen the shock on my body. I have to count up the number of pills I have left, though... need to make sure I'd have enough to pull it off. But I figure first order of business is keeping baby in there. Second order of business would be figuring out how to get my hands on more progesterone if I run out. Surely my OBGYN would prescribe some if I really needed it??

Our first OBGYN appointment is on Thursday, so just a couple more days away. Really looking forward to checking up on our little shrimp and hopefully getting some reassurance that things are okay.

I've actually been feeling so tired and ucky lately that the idea of being pregnant seems more distant right now... more surreal... than it did a couple of weeks ago. I kind of feel like I don't have the energy to be as excited about it as I want to be. And work is going to be crazy in September - we're preparing over 3000 files to go from our current paper world to a digital, e-file world - and I barely have time to think when I'm trying to balance feeling sick and miserable at work with keeping up with everything I need to AND trying to make sure I don't let on to any of my staff yet that I'm pregnant.

It's a lot to process, I guess, so I'm just plodding through one day at a time, milking the feeling-ok hours as much as I can and trying to stay low-key and unstressed. I'm really grateful at this point that I don't have vomiting in the equation. While the nausea is not fun, I can't imagine how I'd be able to do this if I were vomiting AND trying to manage work at once.

I did manage to get the patterning I had planned done over the weekend, though it was probably only about 3 hours of work. I have a 3-day weekend coming up, and have to be able to spend at least half a day every day on the sewing part of the project if I'm going to be able to stay on track... Here's hoping I have good mornings with enough energy to pull it off.

SEVEN WEEKS

So we hit seven weeks today! The blueberry milestone - so exciting to finally make it past the sweet-pea stage since we didn't get this far with our first.

I haven't blogged much in the last couple days, mostly because I've been feeling crappy (yay!!).  Wednesday was the worst so far, I think because I hadn't slept well for a couple of days, so it aggravated the nausea in a major way. My morning sickness, so far, appears to be of the feeling-moderately-sick-to-my-stomach-all-day-long type. It's worse if I don't eat often enough, OR if I eat too much, OR if I move around a lot, OR if I sit still too much.  X.x So I keep trying to find this golden balance of eating just the right amount, just often enough, and moving around just the right amount, but not too much. I've also noticed it's worse when I'm tired, and much, MUCH better when I've slept well the night before. 

No vomiting yet, though there have been several times when I've wished I could. :P

Still the usual sore boobs, and a lot of fatigue the past couple days - I've actually slept really well the last two nights in a row and still wake up feeling sleepy and wanting to go back to bed. Looking forward to the weekend so that I can get some more sleep, though I absolutely must start working on the SCA project or I'll never have it done in time for the November deadline. 

We go in for another ultrasound on Monday morning, and then we have an appointment with the OBGYN for an ultrasound at 8WK6D (so almost nine weeks). Not sure where we'll go from there, exactly, but I'm trying to make a list of questions for the OBGYN now, because I know I won't remember half of them once I'm on the spot. So far what I've come up with:

1. Can we qualify for a free-cell DNA test and/or any other types of genetic screening? (They test for a lot of different things, but also gender. Since we have so little info on either of the donors, I'm hoping our OB will order some so that my insurance will cover it...)

2. Can I keep taking Ambien on occasion for my insomnia? (I usually take 2.5 - 5mg, which is a quarter or a half of a pill, on nights when nothing else is working. The internet says doctors often prescribe it for pregnant women, but I'd like to just make sure.)

3. Can she recommend or connect us with a lactation consultant? Not just for me, but also for Kaitlin, as Kaitlin would really like to try and induce lactation so she can breastfeed too.

4. Is it safe for me to start doing some mild exercise, like walking? Is it safe to color my hair?

5. Can she recommend or connect us with prenatal classes?

6. What options do we have for our birth plan? Who do we call/what do we do when labor starts? (I am a total newbie at this, I know pretty much NOTHING!)

7. When should I call her office? (What symptoms, conditions, questions, etc. warrant a call?)

8.  How many checkups does she do, and when? How many ultrasounds? 

9. How can I best avoid/manage PPD, if it becomes necessary?

10. What is my risk for gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, etc? Can I get my flu shot with her office this winter?

11. Should I be working with a perinatologist? One of the awesome ladies on the NW forums suggested it, but I'm not sure how to go about finding one...

I'm sure I'll have more by the time we get there, but I think these cover the biggest ones. Kaitlin and I made a pact that we will find out the baby's gender together early, but we won't tell anybody until January-ish when we throw a baby shower. If we can find out the gender from one of the early tests, that would be awesome - if not, I think we're going to go to one of the little boutique-y 4D ultrasound places here in Denver around 16 weeks so we can get a fancy ultrasound AND an early peek at the goods. Actually, I think we're going to do the 4D ultrasound regardless because it sounds like so much fun. This is going to be my only pregnancy, so I kind of don't want to miss out on a single fun thing about it if I can. :)  

I also realize this is still kind of premature, since we're only 7 weeks in. But we ARE halfway through the first trimester at this point, so it's really hard to be cautious with my excitement.

So here's what babycenter says baby looks like at seven weeks: 

Still pretty shrimp-like, yeah? Looks like the yolk sac is shrinking down too.  Oh, and my poor tummy is really starting to reflect the abuse of night after night of heparin shots. :( Just take a look:

It's actually bruised enough that just wearing my jeans buttoned up today feels sore. O.o And sadly I think we have another six weeks to go of the darned things before we can stop doing them. I just keep gritting my teeth and reminding myself of that itty bitty little heartbeat, which needs these shots in order to keep growing strong. <3

Three more days until our next ultrasound. There hasn't been any bleeding or anything since the one on Monday, which is a huge relief, but somehow I still feel a little nervous. I guess part of me feels like this is too good to be true, and surely at some point someone's going to snatch it away from me again. Really looking forward to another glimpse in there, hoping we'll see baby getting bigger just like they're supposed to, with a heartbeat increasing just like it's supposed to, and we get to keep dreaming...

6WK3D - Ultrasound Day

I started spotting again on Saturday night, through most of Sunday. It's now about 5AM and I am lying in bed waiting for my alarm to go off, because our ultrasound is at 8 this morning. I didn't sleep very well... Too nervous. Excited, anxious, fearful... I just keep thinking over and over "please be in there, at least one strong heartbeat, please don't turn into a mess like last time, please let this be it."

My stomach aches, not sure if it's anxiety or hunger or nausea. It's been a very long couple of weeks and this is our first really meaningful glimpse into what's happening. Naturally my mind keeps running over all the things that have brought us to this point, the failed relationships, the crazy awful year at work, the doctor appointments and needles and pills and probes and plane tickets and blood and speculums and money stuff, like some kind of never-ending 80's movie musical montage. Are we about to get one more step closer to a happy ending? Or are we about to face yet another devastating plot twist?

At least we're only hours away now, instead of weeks or days. If today is good news, there's still weeks to go in which anything could still happen. But we can cross that bridge if and when we get the chance to get to it. Today first.

Not sure how I'm going to make it through the day at work after this. Hope the alarm goes off soon....


EDIT:

WE SAW A HEARTBEAT!!!!

After the longest morning EVER, getting up and getting dressed for work and making coffee and getting my little dog out of her cage and driving over to the doctor's office and waiting nervously for the ultrasound tech, we finally got just exactly precisely the results we were hoping for.

One gestational sac. One yolk sac. One fetal pole, measuring 6.33 mm (6 weeks and 3 days). And one itty bitty fluttering heartbeat at 108 bpm.

WE HAZ A BABY.  Oh my gosh oh my gosh. The ultrasound tech printed pics for us, and I took pics of them with my phone, but of course my phone is not cooperating so I won't get to post them probably until tonight when I get home. In the meantime, though, this is a short clip that Kaitlin took on her phone, trying to capture the heartbeat on video.

There really just aren't words to describe the relief, the joy, the gratitude. I know we're not out of the woods yet - there's a good 6 weeks or so more to go in this trimester where anything can still happen... but at least for today I am so very, very happy and thankful. Thankful for a heartbeat, even more thankful that there's exactly one baby in there, which was exactly what we wanted. No more pendulum stressing about what-if-it-didn't-really-work to oh-my-god-how-will-we-have-the-life-we-imagined-if-there's-multiples. We still have to be cautious about keeping the one we've got... but it couldn't be a more perfect little bean, right where it's supposed to be for this stage, and there really isn't anything more we could have asked for.

We get to go back in one week for another scan, to see how it's progressing. And then I think I'll make an 8WK3D appointment for a scan with my OBGYN... and that way I'll get one scan a week for three weeks in a row... LUCKY!! :)

Now to sit here and covertly admire my ultrasound pictures for the rest of the day at work... <3

SIX WEEKS

We made it to six weeks, and now there's no spotting at all. Feeling pretty good today - cheerful and happy, maybe a little tired and was a little bit nauseous in the car on the way to work, but otherwise, doing well. I also think I'm in a good mood simply because we hit six weeks today - only three more days to go until an ultrasound! While I'm excited we've reached the "sweet pea" stage, I think what's really going to be exciting is getting to the "blueberry" stage next week... we didn't get that far last time, so I think this will really start feeling more stable at that point. 

I also love that all our weekly milestones are going to fall on Fridays. It's just a really nice way to start a Friday, thinking about how we've made it through one more week! Our little shrimp should have a heartbeat now, though it may not be detectable for a while longer - I'm hoping that on Monday we'll get to see it.<3 

I'm going to rest this weekend as much as possible, though I will try to squeeze in getting an overdue oil change done on my car. Kaitlin's going to be off at an SCA event so it will be just me, my little dog, and a whole Hulu account filled with Korean drama - yay!

Happy Friday, everybody :)

5WK6D – Still Hanging In There

So the spotting was almost gone yesterday morning, and I haven’t had any today. Four more days to go until the ultrasound! I swear this has been the longest week of my entire life, and I really, really can’t wait to get a glimpse of what’s actually happening inside.

Yesterday I was hit with strong fatigue, just a tiny bit of nausea. So far today, though, my energy levels have been pretty good, moodiness is gone – feeling much more upbeat and optimistic. It could have something to do with my dreams last night, in which we brought home a baby boy and I was learning to diaper him for the first time (and he projectile-pooped across the room into a bookcase, which Kaitlin thought was horrible and I thought was hilarious.) It was a pretty vivid and very nice dream, and I guess I woke up feeling certain that this baby’s going to be joining our family.

I am still having major blood pressure issues, especially at home where we don’t have air conditioning, and especially when I stand up fast or remain standing for more than about a minute while I’m trying to clean the kitchen or wipe counters or whatever. I get dizzy, have tunnel vision and my ears start ringing. Luckily I’ve passed out enough times from my low blood pressure issues that I know what it feels like and what the threshold is, so I basically just stop and bend over or sit down when it’s getting to the I’m-going-to-keel-over phase.

I realized last night that if we hadn’t lost our baby in January, I’d be around eight months pregnant now. I imagine the blood pressure issues would probably be one heck of a lot worse if I were hugely pregnant during the hottest part of the year. Mind you, I am still really sad that we didn’t get to keep our January baby. But… I guess there’s a silver lining to every cloud, yeah?

I took my third “extra” dose of progesterone last night. Since the spotting appears to be clearing up, I’m going to go back to my regular dosage today and keep fingers crossed. Still planning on spending the weekend mostly loafing, though I might dare a little bit of sweeping or kitchen cleaning if I have the energy… we’ll see.

I am getting increasingly certain that I am starting a baby bump already. I’ve apparently gained around a pound or so in the last couple of weeks, and it seems like things are rearranging themselves into my belly – it hangs lower and folds down over my pubic bone in a way that it never did before, and it just feels bloatier and more sticking-out-there. I haven’t been eating more than usual… if anything I’ve actually been eating healthier. But I have spent weeks avoiding  any sort of meaningful physical activity, so I wonder if that has something to do with it? I also haven’t been using my abs to walk, sit up straight, and so on like I usually do. But I googled it and there are a lot of ladies with pictures of 6-week baby bumps, so I am going to assume that’s what it is. I guess I’ll just have to get over it, since it will be getting a lot “worse” before it gets better. :P But it does make me determined to start exercising as soon as it’s safe, and to come up with a good plan to get my body back into nice condition after baby arrives – I already can’t wear my usual pants to work, they’re too tight and uncomfortable!

Four more days and counting…

5WK4D – I Guess I’ll Go Eat Worms

So yesterday, just as I was leaving work to come home, I went to the bathroom and found that the spotting had returned.  Still dark brown, still little enough to call spotting, but UGH!!!!

So I drove home, got into bed, had Kaitlin make dinner for me, and pretty much did not get out of bed until I had to get up for work this morning. I took an extra 100mg of progesterone last night, too, per our Greek coordinator’s instructions.  I’m still spotting today, and thankful that it’s staying dark brown and light in quantity, but ohhhhh, I really don’t want to be at work right now. Trying to prop my feet up when I can and make it through the day.

I’m tired, and lightly nauseous, and breasts were very sore last night. But this is the most awful waiting-week ever, so much worse than the usual TWW. It occurred to me that even our ultrasound next week, which right now I am clinging to anxiously, isn’t going to “fix” anything. It will give us some more information on what’s going on, but it’s not going to have any actual effect on the outcome one way or the other, any more than a pregnancy test does.  It’s just a way of finding out more. But what will be is going to be, regardless of whether we know about it as it happens or not.

Trying to find some measure of zen in all of this, but it’s really hard. I still have the gut feeling that  things are going to be okay this time, but it’s not easy to tune out the naysaying spots on the toilet paper.  And in the meantime, I am feeling a lack of energy, a lot of frustration – not just about the spotting but that I can’t keep up with the house when I really shouldn’t be walking/moving around much – and a lot of just glum, pessimistic thoughts about our capability to even be parents if one anxious week of early pregnancy makes the house this much of a mess, whether the universe intends to snatch this away like last time, etc. I guess I’ll go eat worms. :P

 (Whenever I was feeling sorry for myself as a kid my dad would always sing “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I’ll go eat worms…” I hated it. But it was, I admit, an effective way of pointing out just how whiny and ridiculously exaggerating I was being.)

The dumb thing is I really don’t have any reason to be letting my brain wander off in such self-pitying doomsday directions, because so far Dr. Google says that the type of spotting I’m experiencing is completely and utterly normal and not really anything to worry about. It’s like I have some sort of PTSD after our first loss and can’t dig my little brain out of its Eeyore-hole. Seriously. I’m automatically assuming and fearing the worst possible outcome, when a great possible outcome is equally possible. So basically, I am totally discounting the glass as half empty, because I fear unpreparedness if I choose to view it as half full and turn out to be wrong.

Which is worse… to be disappointed because I believed something good would happen and it didn’t, or to be disappointed because I believed something bad would happen and was proven right? There’s really no difference between the two, other than that the first scenario has an added layer of self-flagellation for being arrogant, foolish, blind, etc. etc. But either way, the ultimate result is the same: that I didn’t get what I wanted. And being able to say “I knew it!” doesn’t really make me feel any better.

I am also betting that a good amount of this poo-pooing is medication-induced, because I only seem to be this stubbornly negative when I’m on these crazy hormones.  I *could* be enjoying this time, focusing on how grateful I am that the spotting is still in the “safe” zone, even that spotting is a clear indicator that I’ve got a pregnancy really and truly going on in there, or that the spotting has increased my bonding with our little shrimp (he/she apparently looks a lot like a tiny shrimp at the moment) because I keep having long talks with them about all the wonderful things they should really consider sticking around for.  I *could* be floating around the office with a little secret smile, because I know I’m pregnant and nobody else does, and it’s kind of fun.

I really need to stop choosing to stare at the darkness instead of the stars, and give myself an attitude adjustment. :P

5WK3D – Knocking on Wood

So I spotted almost all day Friday and Saturday. It wasn’t a lot – mostly light brown, didn’t even reach my undies – but it was certainly enough to keep me on edge and anxious and maybe even a little depressed. Especially since Friday night we had a family dinner with my (now 20-weeks-along) pregnant SIL, and my mom really wanted to know how I was doing and I had to tell her we just didn’t know.

Saturday was Kaitlin’s unbirthday. I bought her the supplies to change the oil in her motorcycle, since that’s what she said she wanted for a present. So we spent the morning at Harley-Davidson and made another stop by a hardware store, then went to the Melting Pot for a fondue lunch. Came home and I loafed on the couch while she changed her oil, then we went to a movie and dinner. It was a nice day, but the spotting kept me pretty tense and it was hard to concentrate on much of anything else. I felt kind of bad since I know I wasn’t really *there* for Kaitlin for her unbirthday like I wanted to be. Hopefully I can make it up to her a little bit on her real birthday in December. At that point I’ll be 20-ish weeks along myself, and probably feeling a lot more confident.

Luckily when I woke up Sunday morning, the spotting was gone. I still planted my butt on the couch and did nothing, even though the floors need sweeping so badly and the kitchen needs cleaning and there’s about a million things around the house that need taking care of…  None of them are worth losing this pregnancy. So I sat, and tried not to get up and move around very much except to get food and go to the bathroom.

And there is still, knock on wood, no spotting going on. Today we are exactly one week away from our first ultrasound, so I’m going to be spending this week taking it very very easy. I think, if we can see a heartbeat on the ultrasound, it will finally feel like it’s okay to breathe again. Also, this morning I got an email back from my Greek coordinator – even though she’s on vacation and preparing for her wedding – with some instructions on how I can increase my progesterone dosage if the spotting continues. It was like a magic wand that really did make me feel a lot better. Something I can do! A way I can try and fight back!! A teeny bit of semi-empowerment in this situation that I have so little control of. 

My body doesn’t like all this sitting around, though. I want to at least go do walks or something, and probably will – little bitty short ones – once we get a heartbeat confirmed. While my feelings of being down in the dumps have brightened considerably  in the past two days, it’s hard to stay upbeat if I’m slouching around for too long. I’d like to at least get to a place where I can do some chores around the house without worrying.

I feel a little frustrated at being so tense right now. I want to revel in each and every week of the pregnancy experience, since this is the only time I’m ever going to do it. But I feel like the residual terror from our first miscarriage has spoiled it a little. I’m hoping that maybe, after the ultrasound, I’ll be able to relax and enjoy it a little more.

Otherwise, there are very few pregnancy symptoms to report. Boobs mostly sore at night, before I go to bed. Little bouts of fatigue that come and go, same thing with the nausea. All sorts of odd tugging/twinging/twanging feelings in my belly, that could be pregnancy-related, gas, or digestion. Oh, and I find myself continually unbuttoning my pants, because they feel so tight. I know I can’t get a bump this early – but I tend to put on weight in my belly first, and it’s already got a good 15 more pounds to it than it did when we started this whole TTC thing. My weight on the scale hasn’t changed a bit in the last few weeks, but I feel like maybe the weight’s rearranging itself in my tummy area now. :P Hey, at least I can tell myself it’s the baby bump now, LOL!

In the meantime, hoping for a nice quiet week at work and at home. Going to maybe try to sleep through as much of it as I can in order to make it go by faster. :P

FIVE WEEKS - Spotting

Okay, we've made it to five weeks. But today - spotting. :/ I was doing just fine until that showed up, and now my little lizard brain is terrified. Even though I realize spotting can be entirely normal and mean nothing at this stage. I know that. But I was wishing so, so much that there wouldn't be any this time around. 

Our ultrasound appointments for the 17th and 24th have been set. I feel really lucky that, while this TWW for the first one feels really long, I actually get to have two (possibly three) ultrasounds a week apart, to check on progress. After the first one, I'll be making an appointment with my OB/GYN for the week-8 ultrasound. So I'll get one week 6, week 7, AND week 8.

Hoping very very much for good news. But still have to make it through one more week (and three days) before we get to the first one. I really need this spotting to go away. Or stay at just spotting and definitely NOT turn into bleeding. 

The last couple days have been relatively symptom free. Maybe a little bit of fatigue, but not much nausea, not much moodiness. Very sore boobs, though. :P

Kaitlin's going through a rough time at work right now, so I'm really hoping things with the pregnancy remain stable so that she doesn't have that to worry about. I'm lucky that for the moment, my work situation seems to be going actually very well. I'm able to stay relatively low-key and unstressed, which has been pretty fantastic. I reassured her this morning that I really feel like this is the one. We've got a sticky bean. I really am feeling like that's true, but oh... spotting, please go away. Please please??

Anyway, in non-TTC related stuff, my little dog had to go to the vet yesterday with squinty, red eyes. Turns out the vet thinks she has allergies, so now we have her on eyedrops and an anti-inflammatory and baby benadryl (which she eats when it's mixed into peanut butter, hehehe. Bubblegum-flavor meds + peanut butter sounds awful to me, but she really likes it...) She does have to stay inside for the next few days, though, so we had to close up the dog/cat door to the backyard. All our pets now think we are just the meanest mommies ever, poor things. Hopefully it won't be for long.

In the meantime, I found this hilarious pregnancy announcement video that I thought I'd share... still trying to keep thinking positive...

4WK5D - Second Beta, Symptoms, the Second TWW

So first off, here's the results of our second beta, which I got Monday afternoon:

569! Which is nearly double, at exactly 48 hours after the first one. So far, so good, yeah?

I got hit with a heavy dose of moodiness yesterday - moodiness to the point where I was so generally angry and disenchanted with my life that even the knowledge that I'm pregnant didn't make me feel better. :/ I just kept telling myself it was the hormones, and I know that's true - it also possibly comes from the fact that I've spent nearly every waking moment for the past year and a half focused on getting pregnant. Every penny I've earned, every meal I ate, every activity I did (or didn't do), it was all centered around how I felt about our TTC journey at that moment.

So now we have a second pink line, and positive betas, and a second TWW until we get an ultrasound and find out anything more... and other than taking my meds on time, there's sort of a sense of "Now what?" Not that I haven't LONGED to be able to move on to the now-what that comes after getting pregnant... it's just that I guess, in a sense, I am tired. Really tired. And while I want to launch into allllll the stuff that's been postponed - like our elopement, and starting on the nursery, and maybe even rejoining the "real" world by showing up to social things a wee bit more often - I'm currently kind of feeling stubbornly lazy. I kind of just want to curl up around this tiny flame I've at last managed to get started, and nap with it until it gets bigger, and not bother about any of the rest of it.

Of course, that's not entirely possible because I still have to do grown up things like go to work, and feed the dog, and put the dishes in the dishwasher, and fold laundry.  It's also starting to get a wee bit intimidating to think about how I'm going to manage to fit the care of a baby in with all of that. I know it will pretty much work itself out - necessity is the mother of invention, yeah? But as I was sitting on my couch for a few minutes this morning, waiting for my little dog to wake up in her crate and sort of waiting for myself to wake up a bit too before making my (decaf) morning coffee, I was thinking about how, once there's a baby in the house, I will probably not have minutes of silence in the morning to just sit and stare off blankly. And once said baby is a toddler - I'll probably not have minutes of silence EVER. :P

In addition to all of that, because of January's miscarriage I am far too aware of the fact that we are still a long way from the finish line. Just getting a positive beta doesn't mean I'm going to walk away with a baby in nine months. Up until I'd miscarried, I guess I kind of took for granted that two pink lines  =  baby. Miscarriage was something that happened to other people, unfortunate people. Well, I'm an other, unfortunate people now. And I will tell you, I have a whole new respect for the level of anger, sadness, frustration and jealousy that comes to folks who didn't get to walk away with their baby after that first positive test. I have to be careful, too, because I find myself wearing that disappointment like a badge of honor, like "oh, you were lucky enough to get to keep your baby on the first try? How nice for you. But since you didn't have to suffer like I did, you can't possibly love your child as much as I'm going to love mine." Which is, of course, horribly arrogant and assholey of me, and I have to keep checking my attitude. I wouldn't actually wish what I've been through on anybody. And just because we had to fight so hard doesn't in any way make our love for our kiddo superior to anybody else's love for theirs.

At the same time, I do think it makes it special, and unique. Our kiddo's going to know, from the time that they're itty bitty, just how much they were loved and wanted, and just how far we went (literally) in order to be able to have them in our family. That doesn't make their story any better or worse than anybody else's, but I hope it gives them a sense of self-worth and confidence.

Anyway, aside from the kind of extreme moodiness of yesterday, I had some nausea this morning (I'd say about a 4-5 on the scale of 1-10) while I was driving to work. Wasn't fun, but wasn't bad enough that I'd have had to pull over, either. It was mostly gone by the time I got here. I've since put some food in my stomach and I think that's going to help. But I am going to need to stash a thing of Saltines in my car, I think, for future morning commutes.

Friday will mark five weeks. It was also exactly at five weeks that I started bleeding last time, so I'm kind of anxious for Friday to get here so that I can prove to myself it's not going to happen this time. This weekend is Kaitlin's un-birthday (her real birthday is in December and gets lost between Thanksgiving and Christmas, so we celebrate on August 8th instead.) I know she wants to go to the Melting Pot for dinner, but we don't have solid plans for the day - we're really low on money and I can't go anywhere that there's a lot of walking, trying to keep that to small short bursts throughout the day until we see a heartbeat. So I'm not sure what we'll end up doing.

Right now, though, I really would like to just go home and nap and cuddle my puppy and watch Korean drama and surf the internet.

Instead, I will be a grownup and get through these files on my desk. :P

IVF#3 6DP3DT - BFP or Evaps??

Started testing yesterday, and used up my last two pink Wondfo tests. Both BFN, of course... Yesterday would have been the equivalent of 8DPO. But then, at around 7Pm I used the first of my new batch of Wondfos, which are blue, and got a squinter.

Was so excited I couldn't sleep very well, waiting to get up and test again. And again this morning, a squinter. Tested four times today, and all of them have faint second lines, and I even had Kaitlin look at them and she thinks they're gradually getting darker too. Today is the equivalent of 9DPO.

But, I googled these blue tests and it would seem they are knock offs, not real Wondfos... And I found several complaints about them giving  evaps/false positives. So all I can really do is keep testing (I have 50 tests, so I can pretty much do it as much as I want) and see if the line gets any darker. Right now it's so faint it could be an evap. But would I really get evaps on five tests in a row? Maybe, I guess, if the test batch was just made that way. Still, it's a bit of hope, and it's still really early for testing. So, I'm not calling a BFP yet, but maybe tomorrow will tell whether the line gets darker or keeps coming up like this.

In other weekend news I did very little for two days besides hard core loafing on the couch. And bashed my hand into the refrigerator door while making dinner tonight, it really hurt! In terms of pregnancy symptoms, they've sort of come and gone. Most of the heavy-tummy feeling is gone now, except for a few minutes here and there. I've had an awful lot of tearful outbursts, my boobs are sore, and I've been really tired. Only a little bit of nausea. The majority of the time it doesn't feel like anything much at all. Back to work tomorrow; by this time next week we'll have our answer. Beta is supposed to be on Saturday, but I have to get my Greek doctor to send me the letter so I can get the appointment.

In the meantime, taking a fistful of tests and a little cup to work with me tomorrow. Please little second line, get darker!!!!

IVF#3 4DP3DT – Biding Time

So today would be the equivalent of 7 DPO. Whereas with IVF#2 I had every single symptom under the sun, even this early, yesterday and today have been really mild. A bit of nausea, mostly at mealtimes;  a bit of constipation, though nowhere near as awful as last time; a bit of fatigue (that could very well be jet lag) followed by an unusual amount of energy;  and a bit of moodiness, though again nowhere near as bad as the last round. Oh, and an appetite that’s either ravenous or non-existent, depending on the nausea.

The most prevalent and constant “symptom” is one I had even before the embryo transfer, and that’s the heavy, full feeling. It’s similar to the sensation right before a period starts, where it just feels like the uterus is full and dragging down a bit. The muscles feel tired, as if I did three hundred sit-ups several days ago and the worst of the soreness has past, and now the muscles aren’t painful but they’re tired and overly sensitive… that’s the best way I can think of to describe it. Sometimes they twinge or twitch a little. Sometimes it actually feels a little achy. But it never goes away, so it’s a 24/7 reminder of the TWW. Kind of hard to successfully not-think-about-whether-I-am-pregnant when the sensation is neverending. Pffft.

And, while I know it’s silly, I swear I worry every time I bend over, every time I stand longer than 60 seconds, every time I laugh or go to the bathroom or even just stretch in the morning – because those muscles are sensitive I’m hyper aware of every time I use them, and a little red flag pops up in the back of my mind going “hey, be careful!” X.x

Had an odd dream last night about a really young, really thin girl who was pregnant and had two kids already. Her belly was almost see-through and I could see her baby pressing its hands against her stomach from the inside. I spent most of the dream taking care of her two older children, and running around this big mansion trying to find her so that they could see their mom. No clue what it might mean, if it means anything at all, but it was vivid enough that I apparently still remember it hours later. Oh, and there was a huge, old ballroom in this mansion, that was magnificent but had gone unused for probably eighty years, and was mostly forgotten and  obsolete, and used to store toys that belonged to the owner’s children.

Freud would probably have a field day.

Oh, and let’s see, in the last two days at work I have seen no less than 3 hugely pregnant women, one teeny tiny brand new newborn, and more toddlers than I could count on one hand. And I have this weird emotional response, angry and sad and wistful and happy happy happy all at the same time.  Mostly the hormones, I’m sure, but sheesh.

It would make me feel better to get an early, strong BFP, and high beta numbers. I had a later BFP last time (about 13DPO) and low beta numbers (starting at 190) and part of me wonders if that’s because baby was headed for a miscarriage from the start. At the same time, early strong results are often indicative of multiples… so about three seconds after I were to get them I’d be all worried about what it might *mean* in terms of the quantity. LOL.

That’s really all there is to report at the moment. Definitely staying busy at work, though I’m really glad it’s Friday. I have a few small chores planned for the weekend, but otherwise I’ll probably spend it camped on the couch watching Korean drama. Sunday is the first day I’m letting myself POAS – it will be 6DP3DT, or around 9 DPO. Way early, I know, but if this is going to work I want that info as soon as it is physically possible. I remember, after we got our BFP in December, what an amazing sense of peace it was, long before we went in for the beta… and the TWW was no longer agonizing as soon as that second pink line showed up and I already knew what the beta was going to say.

Of course I knew at beta #2 in April, too. But I much prefer knowing before the lab confirms it, to the agony of waiting a full 14 days without a clue. Right now waiting just two more days to POAS, even knowing that I’m unlikely to see a BFP that early, feels like it is just soooooooo long. :P

IVF#3 CD 23 - D-day

Woke up at about 4:30 to pee and can't go back to sleep. Guess I'm too excited about the transfer today. It is, after all, the whole reason we're here... For the third time.... And I really want this to finally be the one. This is going to be the one.

Yesterday we walked to the mall near our hotel and scoped out the food options for today. Ate some of the best Italian food I've ever had in my life, and took the leftovers back for dinner. Spent a little time cooling off in the pool, showered, watched a movie, ate dinner and went to bed around 9. That could be why I'm up so early now, too.

Our transfer is at 9 am, so basically we're getting up & dressed, eating breakfast, and taking the assortment of trains and metro needed to get to my doctors office. Don't know how long it will take, but once it's done we'll be taking a taxi back, and then it's bed rest for me the rest of the day.

so in a few hours I will be pregnant, and I just have to hope I stay that way long enough to get to meet our little one(s) in person. 60% odds aren't bad. And something like 75% of women are successful after three tries. Begging the universe to let it be me this time...

More updates later.

IVF#3 CD22 - One More Sleep

The three-day transfer thing has me a little weirded out. All of the internet's oh-so-helpful charts would insist that chances aren't as good with three day embryos. And when I went back and looked at my blog entries from my last trip, I am suspicious whether I actually had 5-day embryos last time. If they didn't do fertilization until the final lining ultrasound, the the embryos would have been three-day last time too. Some clinics on the internet swear by the three day, most swear by five. I am sure that my first transfer, the one where I got pregnant, was a five day, because they scanned me on a Monday and I had the transfer on a Friday. I also get the impression that my Greek doctor may not understand the relevance of the 3day vs 5 day transfer question, when I've asked him. Maybe for him they're interchangeable? Or maybe they really did do the fertilization a couple days before my scan last time? Maybe the last two really were five day, and they're switching it up this time to see if it helps? Maybe it REALLY DOESN'T MATTER???

I don't know.

Anyway, yesterday after breakfast we went downtown and I sat in a (hot) garden for a couple hours while Kaitlin went to the coin museum she really wanted to see. Then we had lunch, and I introduced her to the yogurt bebap thing that was so yummy last time- she loved it too. We walked around a little and then went back to the hotel for rest and to watch a movie. We were smart this time, and bought sandwiches and fruit to take back to the room with us for dinner so we wouldn't be starving OR have to spend a fortune at the hotel restaurant.

Today is a loafing day. Eating breakfast now, will probably watch movies and hang out by the pool most of the day. We do have to go out at some point to get food though, probably to the mall nearby. We haven't taken nearly as many pictures this time around either, I guess because with each repeated visit Athens starts feeling more like our own backyard, as if we've merely gone downtown for a few days. :P

Tomorrow is D-day, for better or worse, followed by even more hard-core loafing. I still just keep trying to repeat to myself that we're picking up our baby tomorrow. It has more of a "done-deal" feel to it, though uncertainty is hard to push down right now. Kaitlin keeps telling me to get off the internet. :P She's probably right. Nothing online is going to make my chances better or worse, other than making me nervous. LOL.

Well, anyway, one more sleep till our baby is in me... My biggest job right now is to take my meds, hydrate, relax, and show up to the doctor's office on time. I can do that, right? Not so hard. The rest is up to the doctor, the embryologist, and ultimately, the embryos themselves. Come on, little babies... You can doooo eeet!!

IVF#3 CD 21 - Back in Athens

Jet lag is hitting pretty hard this time around, so I haven't had it in me to blog yet. But anyway, we wrapped things up at home, got my dog to my mom's, caught a ride with a friend to the airport, made it through transfers to Philly and Paris before hitting Athens, and then took the metro, suburban railway, and walking to our hotel. Long trip...

First thing we did after arriving was go for a swim in the hotel pool. I still have some water in my ear (annoying!) then yesterday we went to Embio for an ultrasound. doc says my lining is 10mm with the right striations, so they were going to do fertilization that day and the embryo transfer will be on Monday at 9 am. Means we're apparently having a 3 day transfer this time, where the others have been 5 day. Not sure whether this is a good thing or a bad one?? I guess, since the other two haven't worked, that it's maybe one of the few things we can do to change it up and try something different for success. The nurse reiterated there's a 60% chance of success. I think I'm just hoping, if we have to do a three day transfer, that we have three embryos again this time. I'm not going to say a word to the doc about limiting it to two, not this time. I just want a sticky BFP once and for all.

I was doing well with my optimism and positive thinking up to this point, but it's getting harder to hold on to as D-day approaches. Hard not to think about how much I need this one to work, or how long it will be before we'll have another shot at it if it doesn't. Also, the meds contribute a lot to moodiness and general discomfort... I've been nauseous for the past four or five days now, and the peeing every ten seconds has resumed, so it's harder to stay cheerful and confident when feeling crummy before there's even an embryo in there!

Still, I know lots of people get positive results on a three day transfer. There might even be a chance at having some embies to freeze. Maybe perhaps?? The doc didn't mention that so I'm not really counting on it, but I do know that we haven't had any the last two times so who knows.

Today Kaitlin wants to go downtown to see the ancient coin museum. Then I think we'll probably grab lunch and some take-back-to-the-hotel snacks in Monastiraki, since we're having to watch our budget very closely this round and so last night had to make our somewhat expensive pizza stretch into two meals... I woke up starving and hit the breakfast buffet as soon as it opened.

Anyway, because Monday is transfer day, and we fly home Tuesday, basically we're going to have the transfer, go back to the hotel for bed rest the rest of the day, and then I am putting Kaitlin in charge of getting us home (calling taxis, pulling luggage, getting us from one place to the next, administering shots.) I am going to do nothing whatsoever, because the point is to be as relaxed and rested as possible for the next few days. But, the three day transfer means I probably wouldn't get a positive HPT until the following weekend, at the earliest... So the TWW may be a couple days longer than it's been in the past.

Just have to keep telling myself that this one is going to work.

By the way, a Facebook meme I took today says that I am destined to have one child, a boy. I'd be delighted if it came true. Because as we all know, Facebook never lies. :P