I feel like I’m going to cry today. Super emotional, and of
course it’s impossible to tell if that’s a pregnancy symptom or a PMS symptom
because they’re both so similar.
Took a pregnancy test last night, and again this morning –
both negative. Found out yesterday evening that Kaitlin’s contract ended, so
she lost her job – thankfully my job is doing okay for now, but with that and
Battlemoor coming up (I’m trying to be excited, really I am, but I’m just not
feeling it…) and my brother getting married next month (they’re planning to
start trying for kids right away) I’m feeling really depressed today.
It’s still really early – only 10DPI – so it’s entirely
possible I could still get a positive test over the weekend or even into next
week. But I am dreading spending Battlemoor on my period, with yet another
failed cycle and $2200 on my credit card and another month of injections to
look forward to with less income… I just feel like I could go home and cry my
eyes out, but I can’t because I need to be here at work getting things done.
This work week has been insane; I’ve been hopping all day
long, every day, with barely a minute to breathe, much less eat. I am exhausted
and feeling kind of hopeless, like there’s really nothing to look forward to in
the foreseeable future. I don’t have any vacation coming up; this next holiday
weekend gets spent sitting around outside in the sun and the rain and the bugs
with pretty much nothing to do, in uncomfortable clothes, just waiting for the
event to be over… my brother’s wedding – while I am so happy for him and I love
Johanna, my new sister in law, and am looking forward to being there for them
on their really awesome day – I can’t help being frustrated. I
want to be gracious and loving and just simply happy for my brother, and
instead I feel so selfish and horrible.
Maybe I don’t deserve to be a mom??
Or maybe, and more likely, fate is just indifferent
altogether. Women who don’t want and shouldn’t be having children have more
than they know what to do with, while I can’t get pregnant with even one, not
even after spending thousands of dollars trying.
I feel heartbroken and haven’t even gotten a BFN yet this
cycle.
I can barely pay attention enough to answer questions from
my boss. We’re shorthanded today at work. I am so depressed I can barely stand
it, yet there’s nothing to do but keep marching on through the day.
One small glimmer of happiness is that my publisher set the
publication date for my next book to March 2015. That’s much sooner than
November, which is what they originally told me. It means I’ll have the book
out in time for next year’s Pride. So I guess I do have something to look
forward to, even if it’s seven months away. I’ll just have to hang on to that
for now.
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