5WK2D - Wait and see :(

It's the last day of 2014. And I am a little terrified - was doing fine this morning until I went to the bathroom a few minutes ago and found that I'm spotting. Now, it could be completely normal. Might not mean anything at all. It's not a heavy or bright flow, I'm feeling some unusual twinges/tightness/heaviness in my abdomen but not cramping, per se - and this is just a bit of brown spotting. I don't usually spot, I usually full-on BLEED, so it could still be okay.

But I am so worried that it's not. ;.;

I only *just* managed to get this new OB/GYN to agree to see me next week, when they didn't want to do it until the end of January. I can't exactly call them and ask them to see me *omgrightnow* because of spotting. But if I call my RE's office they'll tell me I'm not their patient anymore. And the Greek clinic is too far away to be able to do anything or tell me anything about it. There's nothing to do but wait until tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, and pray that it doesn't turn into any sort of full flow.

Last night I went to my general physician, who had me give a urine sample. They couldn't find any indication of a UTI in the basic test they did, but he prescribed me antibiotics anyway to be safe - Keflex, which he says is safe for pregnancy. I went home in the -10 degree weather, ate dinner, then drove to the pharmacy to pick up the meds. They taste TERRIBLE. Like, gag-me terrible. But I managed to get them down, along with my last progesterone pill of the day, and Kaitlin gave me the heparin shot (shudder) and I went to bed early.

Exhausted this morning, even harder time getting the antibiotics down, but already the super-frequent peeing seems to have slowed as has some of the discomfort I was feeling yesterday. Ate some yogurt for probiotics, and will need to make sure to have pretty decent servings every day until I'm off the antibiotics. Was feeling pretty awesome about today, and ending the year pregnant, and all of that - and then this.

And there's nothing to do but wait and see. It's not like there's anything they could do at this point if I WAS miscarrying. It will either happen or it won't. But I am so worried that this cold, and possible UTI, might have done something bad to the pregnancy. And I won't really know if there's still a baby in there until next week. We may or may not get to see a heartbeat - if the baby's in there and doing ok it will have a beating heart by then, but may be too small to see it. Or maybe there were two babies in there, and the spotting has to do with one of them not being strong enough to make it. Or maybe there are two babies in there, and the spotting is related to having twins - apparently that's more common in twin pregnancies. So many unknowns. Oh, oh, OH THE CONTROL FREAK IN ME HATES THE UNKNOWNS OF TTC. Seriously. It is so hard to plan for the future when things are so up in the air.

Will I get pregnant?
When will I get pregnant?
Will the pregnancy stick?
If the pregnancy doesn't stick, how long before miscarriage happens?
How many babies are in there?
If there's more than one, will they all make it?
What sex(es) are the baby(ies)?
Will the baby(ies) develop normally and be healthy?
Will having a cold/UTI/whatever cause interference with the pregnancy in any way?
If the pregnancy doesn't stick, how long before we can try again?

And on, and on, and on. Where is my crystal ball, dammit?? Or my time machine, so I can hop a couple years into the future and get answers to these questions, every one of which will have a relatively significant impact on the way my future progresses. Yet none will have answers AT LEAST until next week at the first u/s, and maybe not for weeks or months after that. Oh, how I hate unknowns. And I realize my little type-A personality needs to Let It Go. I should probably have that song on repeat right now, seriously. This is a skill I am seriously lacking.

So we achieved our OLW for 2014 - CONCEIVE. I was considering what the word for 2015 will be, but I think I'll have to hold off on deciding until we see what happens at the ultrasound next week. Until we see if this holds, I don't know what's coming next. But maybe it should have something to do with learning to let go. If there was one skill in this life that I really, really need, it's that one. I'm awful at it.

I am hoping and wishing that the spotting goes away. Maybe it's just the infection being cleared by the antibiotics? Maybe it's just the baby snuggling in a little deeper, getting a better grip in there?

Please, oh please, universe, don't take this away now. PLEASE.  After everything we've done to get here this year, it will just make me want to curl up into a little ball and implode...

EDIT:  Okay, deep breath. I am reminding myself that the day we got our BFP, I had lots of cramping - bad enough to use a heating pad - and spotting that was much heavier than this. But I'd felt pretty peaceful and confident anyway, because for the very first time I had a second line on a test.

So bottom line is, I need to have a nice, big pregnant-lady lunch, including a plate full of greens, carrots, tomatoes and snow peas, and a lentil and sausage soup. I need to take my meds, take my vitamins, drink water like it's going out of style, and rest assured that no matter what happens, it's not the end. Worst case scenario, we miscarry - and I'll shuck money at our HELOC until I have enough to try again. October - maybe August.

Internet says 50% of women with spotting don't miscarry. Other studies show even better percentages than that. So stressing isn't going to help - but eating and drinking and resting will, and that's just what I'm going to do.

I have tomorrow off, for the New Year's holiday. I am assigning myself to bed rest for the entire day. No chores, no nothing. I will sleep as late as I want, I will take a nap, and I will sit in bed and do page proofs all day long. If Kaitlin is home I will make her bring me food. :P

In the meantime, since I got paid today, I paid my bills. Did a little research on our travel American Express, and due to some promotional benefits and the significant portion of our Greek trip that I was able to use it for, I should end up with enough rewards points to get free airline tickets to Vegas for our elopement later this year.

Or maybe it's just the afternoon meds making me dizzy, which is a feeling slightly like being drunk, in which things feel less serious and less important and I feel oddly more relaxed. Now back to our regularly scheduled workday, and I'm actually going to try and enjoy this (perfectly legal, even at work, haha) buzz. LOL.