If I had unlimited tests I'd be doing one every time I pee, but alas, I gave away a bunch of them to my mom to give to my sister-in-law who also wants to get pregnant. So I only have three left, and there are two days before I go in for a blood test, so I figure I can let myself take one per day for the next three days, and by then I should have the definitive blood test results. Kaitlin's not inclined to believe these tests until we get a blood test confirmation. But I'm pretty darn sure that second line doesn't show up by mistake on four tests in a row.
Anyway, I spent today doing more last-minute Christmas errands (and peeing every hour. I'm not kidding. It's super annoying.) A few tummy twinges and aches but nothing major. And I find myself tearing up at everything baby-related - from "Mary Did You Know" playing on the radio, to all the kids' stocking stuffers I had to sift through to find enough things for our all-adults Christmas this year... and thinking about how next year, if this goes the way it should, we'll have a 4-month-old (or TWO) at Christmastime. I will also admit to wandering the baby section at Walmart in order to sigh over the adorable tiny outfits. <3
I'm a little worried that I'm getting drawn in to this too quickly, too soon. I find myself assuming this is a done deal and we're having a baby - yet I know it's still super early. We could end up with a chemical. We could end up with an early miscarriage. Charging forward like it's all good is not the smart thing to do, but oh my gosh I've just waited so LONG for this and it's really hard to hold back.
I pulled out my copy of the Pregnancy Journal, which I've had for four years and haven't been able to use, and started reading through the early pages and scribbling notes on little post-its so that I don't forget what I want to write in it later, if this does look like it's going to stick. One of the questions was something like "What's the thing you like best about being pregnant?" and the first answer that came to mind is that it feels like life is finally going to start now. I'm 35 years old, and up to this point it's felt like I've been waiting for life to actually begin. And now that we'll have a little one joining us... well... suddenly it feels like that's going to happen. I don't think I really understood it that clearly before, but it explains why this TTC journey has felt so frustrating and exhausting, why life has felt so stagnant and stuck as we faced BFN after BFN. Anyway, it was a bit of a revelation.
I have to go back to work tomorrow, after two amazing, glorious weeks of vacation. I SO DO NOT FEEL LIKE IT, especially since I know things are going to be crazypants over the next couple months, and I know I'll be coming back to a backlog of stuff I'll need to work through. Yet somehow it feels like all the stress at work is going to be able to just roll off in light of being pregnant. I'll have something bigger to focus on, and I think it's going to give me the perspective to be able to just work on work while I'm there, and set it aside when I leave. Here's hoping, anyway.
So, I have an appointment for a blood pregnancy test at 8 AM Christmas Eve, and if it's positive (pretty sure it will be!) then I have to go back for another one the day after Christmas. I have no idea what happens next. I know I need to start my name change paperwork so I can change my last name from my ex's before the baby comes. I have some financial planning to do to start getting this debt paid down. Kaitlin and I will need to plan an elopement - probably to Vegas - after the name change but before the birth. And there's a ton of work to be done in the nursery, as it's currently full of Kaitlin's art supplies and will need to be painted and furniture acquired and all that. So if this sticks, the next nine months are going to be crazyfull of preparations, large and small.
I also need to make a schedule of self-care things that I should be sure to stick with, like flossing when I brush my teeth, using lotion daily, replacing all fast foods with salads and protein-rich stuff, keeping coffee to one cup a day, and of course taking my meds four times a day (!) and having Kaitlin give me that heparin injection every evening until the Greek doc says otherwise. Yikes.
But those are things that I know can keep til tomorrow. Tonight I'm just going to try and get some sleep, as I woke up to pee at 3 AM today and wasn't able to get back to sleep because I was so excited... :P
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