Made it through another day. No drinking this time. Took some cold medicine and felt guilty for it, even though there's no baby to worry about. Didn't take any meds today and felt guilty for that too.
I hate that there is no option other than to accept this. I hate that I was so happy, for such a short time, because it makes the sadness worse. And I am so angry that there's no one I can be mad at for this. There's nobody I can blame.
I thought I was almost out of the tunnel, and the lights went out again. We're right back in that long stretch of uncertain darkness, hoping to get lucky enough to find our way out again. And the only thing I have, the only thing that I can think about, is trying again. Going through all of it again, and back to the uncertainty of whether we'll get pregnant again, whether we'll end up with twins after all, whether we'll get to keep it this time. It's so depressing, and yet it's all the hope I have.
I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. Like I hadn't really realized just HOW stagnant and meaningless my day to day life was until I finally believed I'd broken through into a new life, with a real purpose...And now that I have to go back to the waiting and the gambling and the lostness of it all, it feels unbearable. Maybe that's really unhealthy, I don't know. Maybe I want this more than I'm supposed to. I have a really bad habit of letting myself be too invested in my dreams.
But I made it through today, and I'll make it through tomorrow, somehow. I have to finish page proofs tomorrow and then try to find it in me to clean... The house is a wreck and I need to put all the Christmas stuff away, but somehow it feels so depressing. Also, I'm bleeding pretty heavily today, and while it's not painful it feels like it ought to be. Like it's not right for this to be happening without physical agony to match the way my heart feels. This feels too quiet, too unremarkable. Too matter of fact.
In reality it's really nothing more than another BFN. The cruelest kind, but a BFN nonetheless. I've survived plenty of them before. I'll survive this one too. At least I don't have to give up yet. At least there's still one more try on the table. Right now that's everything, it's all I've got, so I'm going to hold on to it and try to be more grateful. Self pity isn't going to make me feel better and will only add misery to my life. So be grateful to have a stable, good-paying job, a huge house that costs as much as my old one-bedroom apartment, a kind and patient fiancée who is willing to listen to all my blubbering and anger and bitterness and loves me anyway, and a sweet and precious tiny dog who is the closest thing to a child that I have right now. Be grateful to have the resources to try again. Be grateful to live in a day and age when donor egg IVF programs are a thing. Be grateful for clean water, and fresh air, and the luxury of living in a first world country. Be grateful, and let this make me more compassionate to others' pain, and find ways to bring joy to the world around me so that if I'm lucky enough to receive some joy myself someday, I will be worthy of it.
Good night, internet.
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