AF arrived last night, so first thing this morning I emailed the Greek clinic requesting written orders for the ultrasound/bloodwork they need, and then called the RE clinic here for an appointment. They did make an appointment for me for Saturday at 8 AM, though she didn't sound very enthusiastic about it. *sigh*
Also, my Lupron shipment still hasn't arrived, and I'm getting nervous. If it doesn't get here by Monday I may have to order another bottle and pay the $99 for one-week shipping, just to be sure I have a bottle here on time when I run out of the one we're currently working on. Irritating.
In the meantime, I should get started on wiring the money for this next round to the Greek clinic. I'm going to wait until next week, though, because I'm trying to decide exactly what to do about the amount they asked for. Her first couple emails said the cost would be 4800 Euro. Then, in her most recent email, she said 5000 Euro instead. I think she's forgetting her original quote, and I am tempted to just send them the 4800 and see if they say anything about it. I can always bring the rest with me in cash and pay them when I get there if they won't give me the embryos without it. But I think it's a little underhanded to quote someone one price and then come up with another a few weeks later. :/
I'm also stuck in another round of insomnia right now. I ran out of Ambien, and made an appointment with my doctor but they couldn't get me in until next Monday. So I've been chopping my last remaining pill into bits in the attempt to make it last longer... I took a quarter of a pill last night but it wasn't strong enough so I still didn't sleep. I have another quarter of a pill I can take tonight, and that's the last of it. My regular OTC sleeping pills aren't working, nor is the melatonin I take nightly... so I have several more sleepless nights to look forward to. Ugh. I'm at work today in a daze, colors and lights and sounds swirling around my head. I've been having a hard time concentrating this week in general, what with the PMS and the excitement/nervousness of starting another cycle and the insomnia. I'm grateful that my boss is on vacation this week, though - it takes some of the anxiety and stress out of it, at least.
I'm having dreams about being pregnant, having a baby. I'm daydreaming about it in the car on the way to work, on the way home. I'm trying to imagine, too, the emotions if we get a BFN this time, because imagining the scenario helps me prepare for the possibility that it might happen. At the same time, it feels like it just has to work this time. It just HAS to. After all, it already worked once. We just need one chromosomally-sound embryo -- just one of two -- that will stick around and see us through to a baby. It has to work. Right???
Kaitlin and I talked about numbers again. We're sticking with two. No matter how badly we want to get pregnant, neither of us is prepared for triplets, nor are we prepared to do a pregnancy reduction if three embryos were to stick. While the doctor thinks that's unlikely, we saw all the pictures of triplets on his office walls. It feels irresponsible to opt for three when we KNOW we aren't prepared to accept it if they all stick. But I also know that, especially because I'll be there alone, I'm going to face a last-minute moment of temptation. I'm sure the doctor's going to recommend three again. And I want that second BFP so badly that I know a part of me is going to be whispering "just risk it!" I keep asking Kaitlin to re-affirm that two is the right decision. I'm sure it's probably annoying, but I need to pound it into my head before I get over there and face that moment of desperate longing alone.
Anyway, it feels like it's been a hundred million years since January, yet mid-April still feels a hundred million years away. It occurred to me this morning that, if this works, this may be my last AF for a good long while. God I hope so. It occurred to me that, if this works, in about six weeks I'll have that stack of positive pregnancy tests on my counter again. If this works, in about two months I'll see a heartbeat on an ultrasound, and somehow I know that all the horror and grief of the last few months will be more than made up for by the sight of that one tiny little pulse.
If the universe will just please, please, PLEASE throw us a bone this time...
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