IUI#1 CD27 12DPI - Oh, Monday...

I’m certain it’s a BFN for this cycle. *sigh* Yesterday and this morning my temp plummeted, and now I’m below coverline… AF is coming. I took several pregnancy tests over the weekend and they were all negative. I didn't even bother to test this morning after seeing how low my temp went - I’m just waiting for AF to show today. Since I will have had a mere 11 day LP, I’m going to really push my RE for progesterone next cycle.

Disappointed, of course, though I knew our chances weren't that high to begin with. Still, I had a little more hope than usual because of the two follies.  I've learned from experience, though, that the first TTC cycle is more of a roller coaster than subsequent attempts. I think the level of hope is just higher, having not yet experienced BFNs, and there's that sort of starry-eyed dream that I'll be one of the lucky ones to be successful on the very first attempt. But, combine today's disappointment with the general grumpiness of PMS and it’s the makings for a not so fun day.

Still, as soon as AF shows up I’ll call my doctor’s office to get things moving for our next attempt. My hope is that she’ll give me another round of 100mg Clomid, and that I can start taking it earlier – like, CD3 thru 7, maybe – so that we can get the IUI in a little earlier in the cycle than we did last time. Maybe a second cycle of it will also bring my FSH down further, too. And I'll be asking for progesterone this time. Three more vials of swimmers left, so three more attempts before we talk other options. 

In the meantime I got absolutely nothing accomplished over the weekend. So I’m behind in my house cleaning and embroidery project… Just generally feeling pretty cranky at life this morning. At least one of my meetings this morning was cancelled, so that I can get a little more work done today.

So glad that Monday only comes once a week…

IUI#1 CD23 8DPI - Halfway through the TWW

It took about five or six days, but now the post-IUI-cramps soreness is gone. We’re at 8DPI and I have no symptoms worth noting. On Monday I thought I might have had a wee bit of nausea while I was driving during my lunch break; on Tuesday night Kaitlin and I went to dinner at Red Robin and I had a very brief moment of nausea as I was drinking bitter tea on an empty stomach. It was literally like, a one-second wave. Nausea is rare for me, but since that was 6DPI, it seems way too early to be feeling any such thing. So I don’t want to read too much into it.

  

Yesterday my BBT took a little dip – only by about .25 of a degree, though I did get up to go to the bathroom before I took my temp, so likely the starting temp was lower than that. I got up about 15-20 minutes earlier than my usual temp time, though, and the temperature overnight was wayyy in the negatives (thank you, Colorado winter) and that could also have contributed to the lower BBT. So while it *maybe* was an implantation dip, the circumstances are just too ambiguous to have any sort of confidence.

So yeah – that’s where we’re at right now. I took a second HCG test on Tuesday night and got a squinter – a second line was there but only barely visible, so I think the trigger shot should be completely out of my system by now. I’m going to take another test tonight just to be sure. Hopefully it’s pure negative, so I can be certain that if the line comes back over the next few days it is a real positive and not just the remnants of the trigger.

I’ve decided I’ll start doing daily tests on Saturday night, which is 10DPI. Each negative means it’s very slightly less likely I’ll get a positive the next day, which lets me ease into the disappointment of a negative result before AF just shows up in all its crushing glory. But I’m not feeling particularly optimistic right now. My guess is that we’ll be doing all of this again at the end of this month… Likely around the 26^th or so.

Other than that there’s not much exciting stuff going on. The weather has been awful – temperatures below zero most of the day. I didn’t even take my coat and hat off when I got home from work last night, but sat around in them until bedtime. I did obtain a little microwave for my office, so today will be the first day I’ll warm up my lunch in my own little space. And I have all my office decorations up, so it kind of looks like Valentine’s Day exploded all over my tiny space. I love it. ;)

At least we’re into the second half stretch of the TWW. By this time next week I should have a definitive answer as to whether our IUI worked or not. Seriously, of all of the parts of TTC, the TWW is the worst for me. I am not an inherently patient person. It sort of feels like my life is on hold and can’t move forward until I know whether I’m going to have a baby or not. And since having a baby is such a big part of my dreams for the future, I’m ready to get this show on the road, LOL.

Come on,  BFP!! In the meantime, here's this week's manicure. Sadly this one's not holding up so well, and it's chipping and peeling a lot. Will try something a little different next week...

IUI#1 CD21 6DPI - Money Talk

Feeling even more certain today that I’m not pregnant. I know the chances are slight for any given cycle anyway. But I just don’t feel pregnant at all. If I did have a fertilized egg it could possibly implant today, or anytime between today and Saturday. But other than a little gassiness (which I seem to always have, LOL) there really isn’t anything at all. The soreness in my lower abdomen is just barely there today, so I guess now I know it will take my body about a week to recover from the “trauma” of an IUI.

Of course I’m still really hoping I’ll get an unexpected BFP next week – I would really like to have an October due date. Or a November one, if we TTC this month and are successful. I think we’ve decided to go ahead and try in March if we need to, even though it’s likely to mean a December due date… Because I have such a limited supply of eggs and they’re going to diminish more rapidly with the Clomid, we really shouldn’t waste a cycle.

But I guess for now I’m going to assume it didn’t work and plan for another IUI cycle this month. I got all of my tax documents in yesterday’s mail, so I filed my tax returns last night. By putting the full refund on my credit card, there will be about $446 I’ll still need to finish off. So this month’s TTC will go on the credit card, and with my end-of-February paycheck I’ll pay another chunk of the card off, and then in March I should only have to pay about $200 to get it paid off completely, and if I need to do another TTC cycle I should have enough in my account to pay for it outright without having to use the card. Hopefully I will have enough to replace the tires on my car in April, because they’re pretty much bald. X.x And I'd also like to have my tiny dog’s long-overdue spay and dental work done in April too. Which means in May I can start saving up for the basement floor and/or a FET procedure with adopted embryos – depending on whether I’m pregnant yet or not. If we have to go the FET route, I'll be $4000-$5000 in the hole again, and it will probably take me another year or two to pay that off - but hey, it will be tax deductible, yeah?

I also submitted the app to refinance Kaitlin’s motorcycle yesterday. We’re going to talk about whether it might be a good idea to do the same with her car. I’m doing some preliminary window(web) shopping for my next car, which is going to be a Toyota Prius… I adore my Yaris, and just got it paid off, but it isn’t really an appropriate family vehicle. I want to hang on to the Yaris until the last month or so of pregnancy, then sell it on Craigslist and go through USAA’s car buying service to get a good used Prius with relatively low miles. Will put the proceeds from the Yaris as a down payment on the Prius, so I should end up with a payment scarcely more than what I was paying on the Yaris. I’ll probably have to borrow one of my dad’s spare cars to drive around for a week or two in between selling and buying. I’m really excited about the Prius – I believe it will get even better gas mileage than I get now, and the Prius usually has cruise control and keyless entry – two things I really wish I had in my current car. Also, the large back seat and hatchback will make it great for hauling baby to daycare, fetching groceries and taking road trips to my mom’s.

So financial planning is working out and I’m feeling relatively confident about being able to manage money stuff for now. If only TTC could be so manageable, sigh...

IUI#1 CD20 5DPI - TWW Distractions

Well, today makes us 5DPI. And I have to admit, I still don’t feel very pregnant. If I do have a fertilized egg at this point, it’s most likely floating around in my uterus, thinking about attaching itself, and in the next week or so it would find a good spot, nestle in and implant.

But honestly, I’m not holding my breath. I just don’t feel pregnant at all. Which is not to say I don’t very much hope and wish for it… Over the weekend we had lunch at Panda Express and Kaitlin got the coolest fortune in her cookie:

So I was super excited that maybe the fates were referring to a BFP, even if I’m not really feeling anything. What I wouldn’t give for a little spotting or cramping today, something to indicate implantation. I’m going to wait until tomorrow to start testing out the trigger, since the stash of pregnancy tests I ordered won’t arrive for a little while.

In the meantime, I spent the weekend running errands with Kaitlin and getting started on the SCA embroidery project I’ve been assigned by my SCA Laurel, Duchess Berengaria. We also stopped by the Shane Company and I bought Kaitlin’s wedding band, the one that will go into her e-ring. The rings are now with the ShaneCo jewelers being sized and attached to each other. We went to the Apple store so she could have her iPad with the broken screen replaced, and got super lucky – the kind folks at the store had quoted her a price of $50, then said she actually didn’t qualify and should pay $300. But because they’d quoted her the $50, they honored it… and she was able to get her iPad replaced for a fraction of what she would have had to pay otherwise. This is great because it allows her to save more to have her teeth fixed.

And, I received the stash of little office-decorating supplies I’d ordered from Amazon. So when I got to work today, I replaced my wintery decorations with all the little dollar-store Valentine’s day things I’d picked up – heart-shaped tinsel wreath on the door, heart-shaped candy dish with V-Day chocolates, red table runner, pink rose-shaped scented soap petals, a glass rose, love-themed window clings, etc. I plan to grab a few more hanging things so I can add a couple of them hanging from the ceiling and my cabinets. Oh, and some encouragement-themed magnetic poetry for the side of my filing cabinet. In addition, while at Walmart I picked up that $50 microwave I’ve been eyeing. After work I’ll go get it out of my car and set it up under my desk… then next month, hopefully, I’ll be able to afford the $75 mini fridge and I’ll have a full on lunch station in my office – awesome.

I also repainted my nails, so I’ll put up a photo in the next day or so. This time they’re glitter red with red and white texture flakes… They’re kind of cool. While we were at Walmart, there was a photography group there offering these awesome 12x18 linen-look portraits for $20 plus a $5 sitting fee… so I signed Kaitlin and I up for an appointment at 8 PM on Monday the 17th. Basically the company dresses you up in Victorian-era pearls and lace, and you get a large sepia-colored portrait. Of course they will let you do other poses and you can buy those too, which we probably will… this is going to be our engagement photo session. I love this idea, because it lets us do something a little costumed for our engagement photos. Since our wedding is likely to be costume-esque also, it just seems really appropriate. This will give me the chance, too, to buy some makeup and hairstyling bits for both of us – I want bold eyeliner, false lashes, and to give Kaitlin lots of neat, shiny curls. I’m also going to wear my green PinkyParadise contacts, which will really bring out my eyes. Something exciting to think about while I’m waiting to find out if I’m pregnant… and if I am, it will be like a celebration, and if I’m not, the photoshoot will be somewhat consoling as we gear up for round #2.

Wow, now that I re-read this, it was actually quite an eventful weekend, even if it really felt like I wasn’t getting much done.  This time next week I will be 12DPI, and can start testing in earnest. Hope the week goes by fast!

IUI#1 CD17 2DPI - Sore

Oddly, my lower abdomen area has felt sore the past couple days. I had a lot of cramping around the day of IUI, but yesterday and today I've continued to feel sore (which is a similar feeling to having to pee), almost as if the muscles in there are bruised. >.< Not sure what's up with that.

I took a pregnancy test last night, just to see if it was really true that the trigger shot would show up. At first I didn't think there was anything there, but when I let it dry overnight, this morning there was a second line about half as dark as the first. I also realized, though, that I only had three more test strips (and an expired Clearblue digital) left from my attempts in 2011. So this morning I'm ordering more. And not knowing how soon they'll arrive, I might not start testing out the trigger on Monday, but wait until Wednesday. Then I can
test Weds, Thurs, Fri - by then I'll be 9DPI and hopefully the trigger will be gone - and hopefully the new tests will arrive by then so I can start using them over the weekend and into the next week. Of course, if they haven't arrived, then I'll probably use my CBE digital on Monday, but if it's positive I'll take it apart to double-check, and I might also go buy some more at a store. A lot of the reviews I've read of the CBE say it can give false positives. And, mine is expired anyway.

Still don't feel remotely close to pregnant. Hoping next week goes by fast. If I have a fertilized egg it should be arriving in the uterus over the weekend, and could implant as early as Monday. Wednesday through Saturday is more likely, though.

Financially this will be a tight month... it will be better once I can file my taxes and use the returns to pay off my credit card. I should get *just* enough back to pay it off. Also, my car is paid off so that's helped a lot. But Kaitlin needs a couple months of no household bills in order to save up for her dental work, so I'm covering those on my own for February and probably March and April too. Should mean she'll have enough for her teeth in May... I'm hoping so, anyway.

Will be repainting my nails this weekend for Valentine's Day! And redecorating my office on Monday. It's the little distractions that help right now, LOL...

IUI#1 CD16 1DPI – Not Feeling Very Pregnant

Well, yesterday was interesting after that IUI. I was bloated, gassy, and crampy most of the day. When I woke up this morning I had about the same symptoms, but to a much lesser degree. And, well… I don’t feel very pregnant, LOL.

Of course, that’s because I’m NOT pregnant yet. I wouldn’t actually be pregnant until implantation, which won’t happen for another week or so. I do plan to do what some of the ladies on the forums suggested and “test out the trigger shot.” Basically, the Ovidrel shot is a high dose of HCG, the hormone that a pregnancy test is looking for. The shot causes your body to ovulate, but the hormone lingers around in your system for a while. So if I were to use a pregnancy test right now it would likely be positive. What the ladies suggest is using a pregnancy test starting about 5DPI, and then every day after, in order to watch the HCG dissipate from my system (the second line should get progressively lighter, then go away.) Then, if the line comes back in subsequent tests, I’ll know it’s a real positive and not just the trigger.

5DPI will be Monday, and I have a ton of little cheap pregnancy test dip-sticks from my last rounds of TTC. So starting Monday I’ll be testing. The trigger should fade from my system around 9 – 11DPI, which is next weekend… and then I can start watching to see if I get a positive.  Of course, if the line never fades (which might happen if embryos were to implant early) then I guess I won’t get to see the trigger disappear. Not that I’d be disappointed, if that were the case. :P

My temp did rise this morning, indicating I ovulated yesterday. I am hoping that I released both big follies… I am actually hoping, too, that both eggs fertilized, to increase the chances of at least one implanting. I am also hoping that only one implants. :P But it’s cool to think that if at least one of them did get fertilized, our embryo’s gender is already decided. The chromosomes have already begun combining and maybe the embryo is already starting to go through cell division as it floats down the fallopian tube toward the uterus… I like to try and picture what it must look like. In the next week or so the egg(s) would reach the uterus and try to attach to the uterine lining. That’s when I hope that at least one of them implants, nice and solid.

I know the chances are far greater that I won’t get pregnant, than they are that I will. Still, with two follicles I might just have two 20% chances rather than one. Assuming, of course, that at least one of the eggs is high enough quality to survive until implantation. 

In the meantime, a few more pics from our IUI adventure yesterday.

IUI#1 CD15 – Swimmers on their way!

I finally got back to the office after our IUI procedure this morning. We got up early, drove separately to the doctor’s office (because our workplaces are in opposite directions), waited about 40 minutes while they thawed our swimmers, then went into the procedure room. Here we are hanging out in the lobby...

The procedure was less uncomfortable than I’d anticipated. I also got Kaitlin to take a video while it was being done. :P I peppered the nurse with questions. They’re not going to give me progesterone… they just want me to call them if I haven’t gotten my period by Valentine’s Day. She said I could start testing at day 14, which is February 12^th. I don’t know if I’ll be able to hold out that long… I may start testing earlier. I actually find BFN’s less disappointing if I test for many days in a row, with each day being a little more warning that it didn’t work, than to wait and wait and then test and only get a negative… or have AF show up.

I also asked her, rather anxiously, if she was very sure my follicles were still in there and I hadn’t ovulated yet. She said that with a trigger shot they pretty much always know when ovulation will happen, 36 hours later, and that I was probably ovulating right about when we were doing the insem. She also said I had some good, fertile CM and my cervix was very open, both good signs. She had a little trouble getting the catheter in – I guess my cervix is a little bendy – but then there didn’t seem to be any problem once it was in there.

She also said that I had 10,120 million sperm in my sample, and that anything above 10 million is good.  She let us keep the little vial, too.  According to its label, the sample was obtained on 1/23/2013 – an interesting tidbit.

So now we wait. I made the mistake yesterday of googling pregnancy results for women with high FSH. The results were pretty depressing, with a lot of the medical sites neatly declaring that it was pretty much impossible for such women to get pregnant with their own eggs. Something about how our eggs fertilize fine and divide fine, but don’t live long enough to implant because they don’t have enough mitochondria to sustain them for the week or so between release from the ovary and implantation.  It was really discouraging. I told Kaitlin about it and, in her typical geek-girl way, she responded that my eggs have The Force… then waved her hand over me going “The Force is strong in you.” LOL.

I also found quite a few stories of ladies who had high FSH and were able to get pregnant . So I’m trying not to be too doom-and-gloom about it. But I also hate getting my hopes up if my chances aren’t good… I guess I’d just prefer to be sure that I have realistic expectations . The doctor is kind of maddeningly vague about my chances. I understand, because they don’t have a crystal ball any more than I do, but goshdarnit I really wish I had some hard and fast numbers tailored to my own body – not  “the average woman has a 20% chance” but “YOU, personally, have a ___% chance.” Course, I can wish all I want and that doesn’t make it happen. :P

So the nurse told me I would almost assuredly have cramping, and to take Tylenol but no ibuprofen products as those might interfere with implantation.  I do feel crampy now… not sharp contracting cramps like the really bad AF ones, but more like that general hyper-sensitivity and heaviness that I get throughout my AF cycle. It’s funny because I never really thought of that as cramping, but I guess that’s really what it is. I’m feeling it more on my left side than my right… no idea if that means anything, but my left side was the one that had three follies so who knows?

And now comes the hardest part of this entire process... the waiting. Waiting, for two weeks, to see if my period starts. To see if I get a positive pregnancy test.  And there’s literally nothing further I can do to help the process, except continue to take my prenatal vitamins. At least up to this point there’s been something I could DO. Some action I could take every few days or so. Not now. Now, we wait.

I did get the hooks off of my teeth last night at the dentist, and got my teeth cleaned, so the projects I’m going to try and focus on during this TWW is getting our engagement photos taken, getting Kaitlin’s bills reorganized, and decorating my new office at work.  I also have an embroidery project for the SCA that I have to start working on like a madwoman starting this weekend. So I’m going to try and stay busy and not get either too excited or too pessimistic. Whatever’s going to be will be…

IUI#1 CD14 - IUI is scheduled!

I left work early yesterday afternoon, because it had started to snow heavily and I needed to get all the way downtown to pick up my Ovidrel trigger shot meds from one of the only pharmacies in town that carry it. The roads were scary --  my tiny Toyota Yaris is in desperate need of new tires and has no traction -- and it took me an hour and a half to get there, then a little while longer to actually find the pharmacy. But I did get there in time, and picked up the shot ($167.99, ouch), then spent another hour and a half in the car on the way home. Made dinner and waited anxiously for Kaitlin to make it home, because I was really hoping she would give me the shot since poking myself with a needle is frightening.

She did make it home in time. I swear I was hyperventilating and whimpering. I have a fear of pain, which usually turns out to be far worse than the actual pain itself. In this case, the needle of the Ovidrel is so tiny I actually felt no pain. Not even pinching or pressure. In fact, Kaitlin gave me a static shock with one of her kisses last night, and that hurt more than this. So I felt kind of silly, afterward, for being so scared. I also had a bit of an adrenaline rush, because I think I'd psyched myself out. Now that I know the shot isn't painful, if I have to do this again I think it will be a lot less traumatic.

So I've done the trigger shot, and my IUI is scheduled for Wednesday morning at 8 AM. I'm going to have to book it back down to work right after, because there's a meeting I have to attend at 10 - one I have to spend most of today preparing for. But then, our first two week wait (TWW) will begin... just waiting to see if I get pregnant or not. The doctor reminded me again that with two follies we could end up with twins. But she also said that my bloodwork from Saturday showed that my FSH level had gone down, from 14 to 11. It's still more elevated than they like to see, but it had improved a lot... which is a good sign and makes me hopeful.

At the IUI appointment, I need to find out if they want me on progesterone for the TWW. If they do put me on progesterone, then, I'll need to find out if a regular pregnancy test will work or if they want me to do a blood test. I'm already on CD14, which is past when I normally ovulate. But I haven't had any temp rise or positive OPK, so my hope is that I will ovulate on schedule with the trigger shot, and the timing will be good.

The TWW is going to be torture. It's the not-knowing for fourteen DAYS that seems endless. On the plus side, though, if we are pregnant... we should find out right around Valentine's Day. Since we've decided not to do much in the way of V-Day presents this year (because of money issues), finding out that we're pregnant would be the very best Valentine's Day news EVER. The ladies on the boards say it takes about six weeks to be able to tell if you're having twins... which may mean mid-March. So even if I'm ecstatic about getting pregnant, I'm still likely going to be wracked with nerves until I'm able to confirm whether it's a singleton or multiples.

I'm all out of OPK sticks now, but I won't buy any more until I know whether this cycle has worked or not... I won't need them once I do get pregnant, and the suckers are so expensive. After work today I have a dentist appointment - I'm hoping that I'll finally get the hooks off my teeth, get a good cleaning, and receive my retainers... and be ready to start whitening my teeth again in preparation for some engagement photos. Hopefully I can find enough stuff like that to focus on during the TWW so that it doesn't seem so long...

I'm really, really excited for tomorrow morning! Oh, here's a pic of last week's blue nails (since this week's are kind of crappy) and my new dark blue contacts from PinkyParadise - I ordered them on a whim on Black Friday and they only just arrived in the mail. :P

IUI#1 CD13 – Trigger Shot...?

Well, I had negative OPKs yesterday. When I called the doctor, she told me that the Ovidrel trigger shot is only carried by two pharmacies in town, and neither were open Sunday, so she asked me to do another OPK today and call with the results. My morning OPK was negative (though I think the line is getting darker) so I called it in and left a message.

I’m actually hoping maybe I’ll still get a positive test before I have to have the trigger, because I believe the shot has to be self-inflicted and that squicks me out. Ugh. I’d much prefer it if my body would just do the surge thing naturally so I don’t have to stick a needle in my own stomach. But, I figure I can’t go get the prescription until after work anyway, so I will get the chance to do at least one more OPK first. Maybe I’ll get lucky and it will be positive all by itself, which would mean we could do the IUI tomorrow afternoon?

Now to call USAA and get Kaitlin added to my account so we can work on consolidating her loans. :)

I repainted my nails twice over the weekend and I don’t care much for either look, so I probably won’t take a picture. I broke a couple nails, too, while helping some folks load Kaitlin’s old washer and dryer into their car after selling them on Craigslist. Happy that she was able to sell them, but bummed that it messed up my pretty nails… sigh.

Really looking forward to doing this IUI. I know it’s coming in the next day or so, but just really, really wanting to get the TWW started so we can find out if it works!!

IUI#1 CD11 - We Have Follies!

Just got back from our morning visit to the RE. I gave them more blood (they had to stick me twice again, ugh) and another urine sample. They did an ultrasound - my first experience with a transvaginal ultrasound. The idea of it was a little intimidating, but it really wasn't bad or even uncomfortable. The ultrasound showed some sort of small cyst or fibroid on the outside of my uterus, though the doctor didn't seem very concerned by it. It also showed two follies in one ovary and three in the other... and on each side, there was one that was 19mm! The doctor likes them to be at least 18, so it sounds like we have TWO good ones. The tech did say that increases the chances of twins. I'm not that worried, though... I think the chances of a single birth double with two potential eggs... and the chances of twins are higher, but probably not as high as a singleton. And there's always the very big possibility I won't get pregnant at all, of course. Since the chances of a procedure working are about 20%, if I DID ovulate both big follies there would still be an 80% chance that each of them was not going to get fertilized.


(And bottom line is, if we did have twins, we'd just figure out how to make it work.)


So I did respond to the Clomid (YAY!!!) and the doctor is now going to have me start using OPKs. Tomorrow I have to call and tell them whether I got a smiley or not. If I did, then the IUI will be on Monday. If not, then I have to come in for a trigger shot - and then the IUI will be on Tuesday. Though I'm not excited about the idea of a trigger shot, I have so much work to get done on Monday that it really probably would be much better to do the IUI on Tuesday instead. The sad part is that Kaitlin won't be able to be there for the IUI procedure, because she has to work. She doesn't get paid leave, so if she misses the hours she misses the pay - and we need all the cash we can get right now.


So no more Clomid for now, just OPKs. We're actually going to get to do this - I'm really relieved, and excited now. I'm so impatient, LOL - it already feels like we've been waiting FOREVER to be able to do the actual put-the-swimmers-in procedure. Also, found out that I will likely not have to pay for the ultrasound, my insurance will cover it, so all I had to pay today was my $45 office visit copay. SCORE.


If this cycle is successful, the due date would be late October. Fingers crossed, fingers crossed...


Also, I have to add that when we were getting into our cars to leave the doctor's office, Kaitlin reminded me to drive safely because I was carrying two potential babies. LOL!

IUI#1 CD10 – The Clomid Challenge

Life has been a whirlwind this week and I haven’t had the chance to blog. But here’s the latest:

Tuesday afternoon, Kaitlin and I left work early and met up at a mental health counselor’s office. We’re required to attend donor-related counseling before our RE’s office can inseminate with donor sperm (or eggs.) So while we were there, we talked to the counselor a bit about the possibility of embryo adoption. As it turns out, our RE runs an embryo donation/adoption program from her office, and she has a waiting list that the counselor said moves pretty quickly. An embryo adoption costs only the amount of the transfer – somewhere from $4000 - $5000; without all of the medications, ultrasounds, egg extraction and fertilization procedures involved with IVF.

This actually is a very attractive option for both of us. Not just because of the price, but because neither of us is wedded to the notion of having a genetic child. We want a child to raise from birth, and I want to be pregnant – but it really doesn’t matter if that child isn’t our biological relative. So if my eggs do turn out to be lackluster, we have another option besides the $20,000 IVF procedure. What we talked about is going through four IUI cycles first, so we can use all the swimmers we’ve already bought. If none of those are successful, then we’ll be looking at embryo donation instead.

Anyway, a little earlier this week another person from the NorthWest forums shared her story on the thread I’d posted about my low AMH / high FSH worries: She said when she was 33, and her AMH was .73, her doctor put her on 50 mg of Clomid, gave her a trigger shot and did an insem… and she ended up with 4 good follicles and TWINS. Whoa. My doctor has got me on 100 mg of Clomid. So I went from being terrified I would not be able to have a child at all, to being terrified that I’d end up pregnant with multiples. My god, this whole TTC thing is the craziest roller coaster I think I’ve ever been on!

Tomorrow I have an appointment with the RE again. This time it’s another blood test and an ultrasound to see if I responded to the Clomid. Then I guess we decide if we’re going to do an IUI. Now, normally I’m ovulating around Day 11, but I guess you don’t ovulate while actively taking Clomid… so hopefully we won’t miss our window. Maybe just MAYBE we might even get to do an IUI on Sunday (or Monday, though I’m hoping not because I have a bunch of things on my plate at work.)  Then our first TWW begins.

In the meantime, I spent a good portion of this week trying to work out solutions to Kaitlin’s debt management, since her student loans are going to come due in March and she has some major dental work she needs done, but doesn’t have enough money for it. I think I’ve come up with a few good strategies. Kaitlin was home sick yesterday so she’s going in to work tomorrow while I’m at the doctor. Then on Sunday we’ll get started on some of her debt reshuffling.

Also of note this week, at work I switched offices with one of my staff members. My new office is at the back of the hall, smaller and with very different furniture. I love it. I love the position of it, I love the arrangement, I love how I can decorate it and still fit all the things I need to fit into it. I bought some little stuff at the dollar store to decorate for winter … crystal beads, a white table runner, a dish of hershey’s kisses and some adorable, light blue, mini snow boots (that actually have lip gloss in the heels.) I’m already planning for Valentine’s day decorating. I feel like this office is really mine. Like I came home, or something. I’m already fantasizing about buying a tiny refrigerator and microwave to stash under my cavernous desk, and hanging all kinds of cute seasonal decorations from the ceiling.  I’ve been so happy about it, honestly, that I haven’t gotten much work done today because I keep staring around happily at my new space.

Oh, and here’s a pic of this week’s nails – I’m redoing them tomorrow. One more week of wintery-themed nails, and then a whole month of Valentines!  YAY!!

So that’s the update for now… fingers crossed that tomorrow shows promising results to the Clomid. <3

IUI#1 CD6 - Complications

After stressing all weekend I finally got to talk to my RE's office this morning. My FSH came back at 14, which is too high (should be under 10). In essence, this means I don't have very many eggs left, and they're not very high quality. The nurse assured me that didn't mean I couldn't get pregnant, and that we could still do an IUI this cycle. She's starting me on Clomid today. I take Clomid twice a day, CD6 - CD10, and then on Saturday they're doing another blood draw to test my FSH again and an ultrasound. They're hoping that the "Clomid challenge", as they call it, will bring my FSH level down - I.E., improve my egg quality.

But I am still pretty worried. A low AMH and high FSH is indicative of menopause. I'm running out of eggs. I should have done this years ago, and now IVF may be my only option... IVF is invasive, and extremely expensive, and there's a high risk of multiple births. That would make Kaitlin happy, probably, but I'm a lot more apprehensive. Can we afford twins? And what if we go through IVF, which is likely to cost more than both our cars put together... and it fails?


I should probably not stress until I know more. I need to get dressed and go pick up my meds at the pharmacy. Kaitlin and I also have our counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon, to use the donor sperm. And, Kaitlin's going to the dentist tonight as she has a cracked tooth. She's in need of some major dental work that she doesn't have the money for, and here I am thinking we might have to do this hugely expensive procedure if we want to be parents....


I guess it's just a lot to take in. I suppose I had this naïve idea that getting pregnant would involve (perhaps several attempts at) putting swimmers up in there at the right time, and then we'd end up with a baby, nice and neat. Now we're looking at meds and ultrasounds and possibly a lot of injections and the risk of twins and it's just overwhelming. I suppose being overwhelmed is pretty par for the course when becoming a parent, though.


I'm debating whether I should self-prescribe some nutritional supplements to go along with the Clomid. Several ladies on the NW forums have mentioned DHEA, but there's debate as to whether that's good or not... and then there are things like Vitamin E and Vitamin C which I'm less worried about taking because they're good for you anyway. I need some more prenatals too, since the ones I have are at work and I only get to take them at work... I really need to take them every day.  So while I'm at the pharmacy I may see about picking those up.


I'm off work today, thanks to a national holiday, but Kaitlin's working so I'm at home alone. I just cleaned up the kitchen; I figure after I go to the pharmacy I'll come back and clean the bathroom, which has needed a good cleaning for a while. Then I don't know what I'll do with the rest of my day, but hopefully something relaxing that doesn't take much brain power. I'll get a picture of this week's nails, too - they're dark blue with silver and blue spangle glitter. Not my favorite of the looks I've done so far but they're still pretty.


Trying hard not to stress but it's difficult. I want this so much... I'm remaining focused right now on how grateful I am to be living in the day and age where we have the ability to see inside the human body, to test things in blood that tell us what's going on, to actually put human eggs and sperm in a petri dish, create the beginnings of a baby, and plop them directly back into a uterus - basically circumventing a ton of the things that can go wrong in order to improve chances of pregnancy.


I will say - I'd be okay with adopting an embryo, too. I'm not inextricably attached to the concept of having my own biological child, I'd just like to experience pregnancy and the raising of a child from the moment of birth on. If that's impossible, I'm also not opposed to adoption of a child who's already here. I'd love to do a foreign adoption, but as of right now most countries have closed their doors to same-gendered couples who want to adopt.


Anyway, I realize there are options, and it doesn't make sense to freak out as if this is the end of the road for us when we haven't even done a single IUI cycle yet. I need to stay focused on the options. The truth is, if it's meant to be, it will happen. And if it's not, nothing in the world that we try is going to work anyway. Which I should then take to mean that I'm meant to have a different life. Maybe traveling and writing instead, I don't know. I'm just not ready to give up yet - and that's good, because I shouldn't be.

IUI#1 CD4 - Discouraged

I think today is maybe the most discouraged and scared I've been thus far in my TTC attempts. Yesterday morning I had blood drawn for CD3 blood work. I waited all day for the call from the office with my results, because if the doctor wanted me on Clomid I'd need to get it from my pharmacy that night.



But they didn't call until 4:10 in the afternoon. By then I was in a meeting that didn't get out until after 5, and the office was closed. They left me a voice mail that the doctor had my blood work, she had a plan for me, and I needed to call them before 5 with my pharmacy phone number. Which I take to mean that the doctor did want me on Clomid this cycle. But they didn't say what my FSH was or indicat whether or not there was a problem. It does appear they intended for me to go on meds, but because I couldn't call back before they closed, and because it was Friday, I couldn't get the meds. By the time they reopen on Monday I will be on CD6. Most doctors have you take Clomid from CD3 - CD7, so it will probably be too late if I wait until Monday. All I can think about now is what if that means we have to skip this cycle? And what were my test results? Should I be worried?



I'd posted on the NW Forums and most of the responses indicated that my low AMH could very well be a big problem... Several other ladies there are also dealing with it and having to resort to IVF. Will I have to do IVF? Can I afford it? Am I willing to accept the prospect of a childless life? I realize I am working myself up when it's possible there isn't a major problem.... But it's the not knowing and the inability to get anymore information for the next two days that's killing me. Why oh why couldn't they have called just a little earlier in the day??



Add to that the fact that Friday's work day was particularly stressful and I am just not doing so well today. Trying to keep busy with cleaning and chores and repainting my nails.... But this is going to be a long, long two days until I can call the doctor again. :( Well, in the meantime, here's a pic of last week's pearly white glitter nails. About to take the polish off and do a shaded blue glitter look...

IUI#1 CD1 – Let’s Get This Party Started

AF showed up last night at around 6:30 PM. I still hadn’t heard the results of my bloodwork, so I called the doctor’s office this morning and here are the goods:

I’m negative for all the bad STD bugs (yay) and have immunity to chicken pox and rubella (yay). I am also CMV+ (yay) so I can use our donor without any worries. But, my AMH is 0.74, which indicates a diminished number of eggs available. I looked around online and it looks like that number is about average for a 40-year-old woman; my mom went through menopause early so I'm not necessarily surprised, but it does mean I really need to get a move on this conception thing before it's too late. The doctor scheduled me for a CD3 blood test to check my FSH. The nurse said that just because my AMH is low, that doesn’t mean necessarily that I’ll have a harder time getting pregnant. Some women have low AMH but a high FSH (egg quality).  So I’m going in on Friday morning at 8 AM to have the FSH test done. They’ll have the results same-day, so if the doctor decides after looking at my FSH to put me on meds, I’ll have to go pick up the meds that day and start them, because Clomid is taken starting CD3. According to the RE office, if AF starts after 5 PM, the next day is considered CD1. So I updated my Fertility Friend chart to reflect that, so I can track the cycle the way the doctor's office will.

Kaitlin and I also have to meet with with a counselor named Barb Hyatt prior to any IUI scheduling. Apparently we are required to meet with her because we're using donor swimmers. We have an appointment next Tuesday at 4:30 - that's going to be a $200 session. So both of us will have to go into work super early that day so that we can leave early for the appointment. I have paid time off from work but Kaitlin doesn't, so she needs to make sure she gets in her full eight hours that day or she'll miss out on some pay.

I logged into the cryobank site this morning and had the swimmers shipped to the doctor's office... they should ship out today and probably arrive Friday afternoon, so when I call to get my blood test results that afternoon I'll also check to see that they received the dewar.  I let my boss know I'll be in late Friday, and will work later to make up the time. 

On a non-TTC note, I have been having the best conversations with my boss lately. We went through a really miserable period in 2012 where it felt that nothing I did would satisfy her, and I was certain she was trying to get me to quit or build a case to fire me. In 2013 my New Year's resolution was to find a new job. Yet things gradually improved throughout the year, and I found out yesterday that she recommended me for the maximum salary increase (3%) for this year! All of our dialogue lately has been so positive and felt so synergistic, like we're functioning as a team. It's been awesome and there are no words to explain just how much this has improved my quality of life, my mental health, my sense of security and confidence. Funny how a change in just one relationship can have such a huge impact on one's entire life. 

Anyway, we’re really moving on our TTC plans now!! If all goes well, our IUI should take place sometime close to next weekend. And we’d be able to find out if we’re pregnant sometime in the first week of February, but shouldn’t be any later than February 8^th or so.

Oh my gosh I am excited. Fingers crossed sooo much!!

I also spent 30 minutes of my lunch break walking circuits through the halls and up and down the stairs of my work building. I really need to do that every day. I don't get enough physical activity during the day - my thigh muscles are twitching now - and it's important, especially if I want to have a more comfortable pregnancy and an easier time losing the baby weight after giving birth. And, I really need to start buying groceries for lunches rather than going out to eat, so I can save the money for TTC costs. So today, 30 minutes of walking, followed by a Campbell's soup and a tuna salad/cracker kit for lunch.

Kaitlin and I are subscribed to Emeals, but we don't stick to it faithfully and end up eating out or eating junk way too often. So that's the other thing... we need to faithfully stick to an Emeals schedule every week and cook at home. And I need some tupperware I can use to pack up leftovers for lunches, or for Kaitlin to take to work for her dinners when she doesn't plan on coming home after work (she often goes to fencing practice or games with friends first.) New Emeals plans come out every Wednesday, so I ought to just make Wednesday my grocery shopping day, after work. I guess that means I'm going to the grocery store when I get off today...