But I am still pretty worried. A low AMH and high FSH is indicative of menopause. I'm running out of eggs. I should have done this years ago, and now IVF may be my only option... IVF is invasive, and extremely expensive, and there's a high risk of multiple births. That would make Kaitlin happy, probably, but I'm a lot more apprehensive. Can we afford twins? And what if we go through IVF, which is likely to cost more than both our cars put together... and it fails?
I should probably not stress until I know more. I need to get dressed and go pick up my meds at the pharmacy. Kaitlin and I also have our counseling appointment tomorrow afternoon, to use the donor sperm. And, Kaitlin's going to the dentist tonight as she has a cracked tooth. She's in need of some major dental work that she doesn't have the money for, and here I am thinking we might have to do this hugely expensive procedure if we want to be parents....
I guess it's just a lot to take in. I suppose I had this naïve idea that getting pregnant would involve (perhaps several attempts at) putting swimmers up in there at the right time, and then we'd end up with a baby, nice and neat. Now we're looking at meds and ultrasounds and possibly a lot of injections and the risk of twins and it's just overwhelming. I suppose being overwhelmed is pretty par for the course when becoming a parent, though.
I'm debating whether I should self-prescribe some nutritional supplements to go along with the Clomid. Several ladies on the NW forums have mentioned DHEA, but there's debate as to whether that's good or not... and then there are things like Vitamin E and Vitamin C which I'm less worried about taking because they're good for you anyway. I need some more prenatals too, since the ones I have are at work and I only get to take them at work... I really need to take them every day. So while I'm at the pharmacy I may see about picking those up.
I'm off work today, thanks to a national holiday, but Kaitlin's working so I'm at home alone. I just cleaned up the kitchen; I figure after I go to the pharmacy I'll come back and clean the bathroom, which has needed a good cleaning for a while. Then I don't know what I'll do with the rest of my day, but hopefully something relaxing that doesn't take much brain power. I'll get a picture of this week's nails, too - they're dark blue with silver and blue spangle glitter. Not my favorite of the looks I've done so far but they're still pretty.
Trying hard not to stress but it's difficult. I want this so much... I'm remaining focused right now on how grateful I am to be living in the day and age where we have the ability to see inside the human body, to test things in blood that tell us what's going on, to actually put human eggs and sperm in a petri dish, create the beginnings of a baby, and plop them directly back into a uterus - basically circumventing a ton of the things that can go wrong in order to improve chances of pregnancy.
I will say - I'd be okay with adopting an embryo, too. I'm not inextricably attached to the concept of having my own biological child, I'd just like to experience pregnancy and the raising of a child from the moment of birth on. If that's impossible, I'm also not opposed to adoption of a child who's already here. I'd love to do a foreign adoption, but as of right now most countries have closed their doors to same-gendered couples who want to adopt.
Anyway, I realize there are options, and it doesn't make sense to freak out as if this is the end of the road for us when we haven't even done a single IUI cycle yet. I need to stay focused on the options. The truth is, if it's meant to be, it will happen. And if it's not, nothing in the world that we try is going to work anyway. Which I should then take to mean that I'm meant to have a different life. Maybe traveling and writing instead, I don't know. I'm just not ready to give up yet - and that's good, because I shouldn't be.
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