6WK1D - anybody have a stay-pregnant dance?

I'm back at work today. Maybe I shouldn't be, I don't know, but the nurse at the ER was pretty blunt about saying she didn't think that bed rest would be any more or less effective - pretty much there's not much I or the doctor or anybody else can do to change fate. Except keep taking my meds, and my vitamin, and eating well, and drinking lots of water, and getting sleep. All the basic be-nice-to-yourself stuff that they'd suggest whether I was pregnant, had cancer, a cold or acne. It's the catch-all answer for everything.

And it doesn't feel like enough. There should be some magic ritual, some naked dance around a fire at midnight under a full moon while wearing a banana skin on my head or something, that would improve the odds. I guess I understand why so many cultures come up with chants and prayers and ceremonies and healing stones and talismans and whatever else they can think of to try and feel like they're doing something helpful, instead of sitting around waiting for a fate they have no ability to change.

So today I am still light-bleeding/heavy-spotting. My lower abdomen isn't crampy, but it's achy - like it's bruised. Maybe just overly sensitive? The vaginal ultrasound over the weekend was a lot more uncomfortable than usual, like I was swollen inside, and the ultrasound tech said that's pretty normal in early pregnancy.

I did have a thought over the weekend... even before we left for Greece, I was having to pee like every ten seconds for weeks. I assumed it was because of the Lupron and crazy doses of hormones. Once we got to Greece it continued, waking up in the middle of the night at least twice to pee - even after the transfer and after switching out the Lupron for heparin.

But since the spotting and bleeding started, I haven't had to pee as often. I've been able to sleep all the night through without having to get up. And I am starting to wonder - maybe the meds had my uterus full of extra blood and fluid? Maybe now that there's a baby in there, my body's just getting rid of the stuff it no longer needs in order to make room? Maybe maybe??

Most other pregnancy symptoms are still nonexistent. I am tired, yes, but that could have to do with emotional exhaustion and blood loss as much as anything else. I felt nauseous getting up this morning, but I always do in the mornings, especially in winter. My boobs are sore - a little, anyway. Otherwise not much going on, aside from the bleeding. If I didn't know better I'd say I was just having a regular AF.

We're doing half-doses of heparin every night now, trying to stretch out the injections as long as possible since apparently my meds aren't shipping until today, and then there's a 7-business-day wait for them to arrive.  There's the slight chance they might arrive in 5 business days, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm going to ask my OBGYN on Thursday (assuming that the ultrasound shows that a baby is still in there) if they're willing to at least give me a prescription for progesterone in the meantime, so that I don't run out before the refills get here. That's the one med that I would be really, really worried about running out of, and I don't have much left.

The one good thing about being at work is that there's enough to do that I can stay relatively distracted most of the time. Thankfully I don't have any meetings scheduled for today, so I am just going to sit at my desk and try not to get up unless I absolutely have to...

SIX WEEKS

Stayed home from work today... slept very late, stayed in bed all day again. Feeling kind of woozy and really tired, especially after spending so many days in a row in bed. I think I'm just emotionally exhausted from all of this, more than anything else.

Bleeding today again, but lighter -  maybe light enough to call heavy spotting. Still bright red. Barely any cramping, though. So back to work I go tomorrow, and I just have to make it through two more days until our next ultrasound.

Not exactly the triumphant fanfare I was hoping to enter our sixth week with. But at this point, if the baby is growing and things are okay on Thursday I will be so very grateful. Forget fanfare... I just want to stay pregnant. SIGH.

5WK6D - unknowns are torture

Today I've stayed in bed. Only got out to take a quick shower, and when I had to go to the bathroom. There are less cramps than yesterday, but they're still happening. And same amount of blood flow. It seems so, so heavy to me, but yesterday the nurse said they wouldn't worry unless I was filling a pad an hour, and I'm not. To be honest It's more like one every eight hours. But that's a heavy period flow for me... And it's still scary. Still bright red. Still passing clots, no huge ones like yesterday but they're still unusual.

All other pregnancy symptoms seem to have fallen away. Or maybe I just can't feel them because the bleeding is taking up all my attention, I don't know.

Wish I could have an HcG and ultrasound every day, just so I could know whether the baby's still hanging on. Wish I just knew what was happening, if the bleeding is normal and safe or if it means something's wrong.

I texted my boss and let her know I'll be out tomorrow. I don't know what I'll do about the rest of the week, but at least for tomorrow I don't want to be going through this at work. At some point, though, I feel like I'll have to accept that there's nothing I can do. Either the baby will stick or it won't. And I don't know why I'm in such a rush to know which it's going to be, since it's not like I can hop on a plane back to Greece right away if it doesn't.... It will be months and months before I can pay off the HELOC enough to go back.

I'd be fine with bleeding and cramping for the next nine months if only I could be sure that the baby would still develop and come out healthy. But I've had my indulgent moment of panic, and need to wait until Thursday for the OB GYN appointment to find out anything more. In the meantime trying to distract myself with puppy cuddles, page proofs, and korean drama.

Oh, and Kaitlin did the grocery shopping today and brought me flowers. <3

5WK5D, Part Deux - Threatened Miscarriage

The bleeding and cramps got so bad tonight that I decided to go to the ER. Kaitlin had to drive me there, in the middle of a snowfall, with the roads so bad that her car got stuck in our cul-de-sac and we had to take mine instead.

We made it to the ER, where everybody was very nice, and we were there for about three hours. They put an IV in my elbow (ow, ow, OW) and asked a ton of questions and were pretty confused by the whole IVF-in-Greece thing. But they did a pelvic exam, and took urine and blood samples, and did an ultrasound. All the while I am bleeding, and cramping, and crying.

Bottom line is, they can't say for sure what's happening. They sent me home with a diagnosis of a "threatened miscarriage."



They did an HCG test, and the results came back at 7900ish. Given that I was at 425 on 12/26, and doing the math thereafter, that's actually in the right range... which is a bit of a comfort, at least.



And the ultrasound was tough... they kept saying everything was too small and it was too early to really see much. It does appear that there's only one sac in there. But, it looks like they did see the hint of a fetal pole, and both Kaitlin and the ultrasound tech were pretty sure they saw a heartbeat (though at this stage it could also have been my heartbeat, so no guarantees.)





So the bad news is, we could be miscarrying and won't know for a while, until the next few ultrasounds. I am still cramping and bleeding right now, and scared... really scared. Also I am not looking forward to the emergency room bill when it arrives and am a little worried how much it's going to cost. And my arm hurts from that stupid IV.

The good news is, my HcG levels are where they should be, and there's definitely a sac in there, with something in it, that may have a heartbeat. Looks like there's only one, which I am perfectly content with. So whatever this bleeding is, it hasn't flushed the baby out, at least not yet. Maybe there's still a chance that things will be okay.

It could be that there was a second embryo that didn't make it, and that's what this bleeding is all about. It could be that the heparin I'm on is making too much blood in my uterus and my uterus is just flushing it so there's room for the baby. Or it could still turn into miscarriage. This is literally a glass half full vs. half empty situation, because apparently 50% of the women who bleed like this miscarry, while 50% of them go on to have normal pregnancies.

Meanwhile the cramps are still coming, though less frequently now. The blood is still coming... though maybe a little less of it?? I can't quite tell. I'm staying in bed all day tomorrow and toying with the idea of staying home from work on Monday... though there is a really important interview I'm supposed to do on Monday and I would hate to miss it. I would hate miscarrying even more, though, so I'm going to do what my gut tells me to do once I see how the bleeding behaves tomorrow.

So far, pregnancy has been kind of fun, but also the most scary and stressful thing I've been through. That doesn't mean I don't want to stay pregnant, little bean, you hear me? Stay in there and hang on, okay? Please?

5WK5D - pretty sure it's over

Today's not a great day. I decided to put myself on bed rest all weekend in the hopes that it would help. I was still spotting, lightly, last night.... We went to see "Into The Woods" at the movies, then came home and went to bed. I had a great night's sleep and have spent all day in bed surfing on my iPad. Kaitlin went out and got me some chicken and biscuits from KFC as it's what I really wanted for breakfast. But it's close to 3 in the afternoon now and I am feeling lightly crampy, and the blood flow is increasing. I'd describe it as heavy spotting, or a light flow. There are clots in it now, and while the color is still dark it's getting brighter.

It's definitely cramping and not gas this time. The cramps aren't bad.... Aren't even as bad as they were the night we got our BFP. But they are really scary.

I just want this time of uncertainty to be over. I just want to have that damn ultrasound and maybe another HcG test so that I can know if it's worth having hope at this point. I'm tired of the yo-yo between "it's going to be fine" and "it's over, let's get ready to try again."

Six more days until we get our answer. I may just lose my mind. ;.;

So Kaitlin and I are watching some Xena and talking about turning our Las Vegas elopement into a Xena/Gabrielle themed thing. Trying to distract myself as much as possible.

EDIT:

It's over. I'm cramping and bleeding bright red now, heavy as a normal period, and just passed a clot the size of a flattened golf ball.

We  still have to wait until our ultrasound date to confirm it. Then we have to wait for months while I feed us on ramen and try to pay off our debt enough to try again. Then we have another TWW and more waiting after that to see if it sticks.

I am so sick of waiting. I hate the world right now. Excuse me while I go cry for the rest of the night.

5WK4D - More spotting and med problems

The drama just doesn't seem to stop, does it...?

Early this morning I was back to spotting again. An hour or two later, back to light bleeding - maybe light enough to call spotting? Still very dark brown, which the internet seems to think is good, with small clots (maybe not so good.) No major cramping, but lots of gas pain - and sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference between gas pain and cramps. Trying to be zen about the whole thing, but this is probably the most nervewracking thing I've gone through yet in this whole TTC journey. Add to that all the crazy hormones that are setting my emotions on edge, and you have one very sad and scared lady over here.

Our ultrasound isn't for another week. In the meantime, I am due to run out of heparin injections on 1/7. The place I am trying to order them from, in the UK, is making my life difficult - requiring the Greek clinic to email them directly with the prescription (which they finally did this morning) and now asking for an amended prescription so I can get the right kind of Utrogestan. And even if we do get the technicalities worked out, they won't ship them until 1/5. I paid extra for the fastest shipping they have - 7 days to the US - but that's business days, not calendar days, so I won't get the meds until 1/13. Thankfully I should have *just* enough progesterone and estrogen to get me through.

But, the Greek clinic says that's too long to go without the heparin. I don't know what to do. US pharmacies won't accept international prescriptions, and I can't find a doc here who is willing to re-prescribe the meds for me. So all I can think of is that we'll have to take our remaining handful of doses every other day, or do a half-dose every day, to try and make them last longer. I asked Sotiria at the Greek clinic if this is an option, but I won't hear from her until tomorrow morning because it's past business hours for them now.

I'm sure all the stress isn't helping. I got to work this morning and our computer system isn't working, and is likely to be down all day. I suppose I should be somewhat grateful, as that means I literally can't get most of my work done, and will have no choice but to spend the day trying to find other things, like filing and keeping an eye on my staff. Oh, and this phone call I have to make in a few minutes to our contracting agency.

Really don't want to do any of it. Really want to go home and sleep. But there's only two of us in the office today, so that's not exactly an option. Also, dizzy again after taking my morning meds.

SIGH.

Fatigue yesterday and today, like I could just sleep for a hundred million years. Also some nausea this morning, which got better after I made myself eat a sandwich from Panera that I really didn't want, but eventually ate the whole thing.

Hoping for a quiet and uneventful day with few responsibilities. Honestly, hoping for a day when it will be mostly ok to zone out and try to relax. The house is a wreck and we desperately need groceries, but I'm going to have to ask Kaitlin to do most of the work this weekend because I just don't have the energy.

If only I knew that this was going to stick and everything was going to be okay. Then I could relax and just enjoy the tiredness and tummy yucks as pregnancy symptoms.

Kaitlin and I did talk last night though, and we decided. If this doesn't work, we ARE going back for another try, $10K or no. We'll figure the money stuff out however we have to. But it feels like we've come too far to give up now. So I'm holding on to that... even if this ends, it won't be the end.

Just have to make it until tomorrow.

5WK3D - Not such a great new year

I was so happy this morning. It seemed like the spotting was gone. I spent most of the day in bed, super tired, super hungry. But it seemed like everything would be okay after all, and so I was excited about the way our new year was shaping up.

Kaitlin came home, brought me food. I took my meds. She brought the heparin shot up to our bedroom, and I decided to go to the bathroom before she gave it to me. Went in there, and....

I'm bleeding. It's not spotting, like yesterday, it's bleeding. Equivalent to a relatively light period day, and dark brown.

I'm terrified. It's 9:30 PM and I have to figure out how to sleep, because I have to work tomorrow - can't call in, because there's only two of us scheduled to be in the office thanks to all the staffing chaos that's been going down. And I may be losing my baby, and there's nothing anybody can do about it. Nothing I can do about it.

I cried for a while, but it feels like a waste of emotion on something I have no control over. We still took the shot, I'll keep taking my meds, and we wait to see what tomorrow brings. What the ultrasound on Thursday brings... it's a week away. And then we figure out what to do next...