BFN #6

AF showed up yesterday, making it BFN#6 for the year. And we've now used up all our vials of swimmers. I'm not pleased with how this last cycle went. Between my work situation being so stressful I could barely eat or sleep throughout the injections, to asking the doctor to run an ovulation test on my blood sample because I was SURE I was ovulating early (and lo and behold, I was right), to having the IUI done two days after the positive ovulation test (when I pretty much always ovulate within 12-24 hours of a smiley)... I wasn't holding out much hope for this one. And sure enough, just 9DPI, AF showed up again. Cycle's the most expensive one yet - somewhere around $4000 - and it was a complete bust.

I'm so tired of throwing money at this and ending up with no results. I'm so tired of being poked with needles, and probed with scanners, and being crazy hormonal all the time, and having cycle after cycle where we don't even get to make an attempt because my body's not cooperating. Having a baby is supposed to be a delight. It's supposed to be something that happens out of love and joy and pleasure. And this is getting ridiculous.

So that's it. I am DONE pussyfooting around. I emailed the Greek clinic today to find out how to get the process started, and I was approved by my bank for a Home Equity Line of Credit that's going to front me the money to pay for an overseas donor embryo cycle. I think the process is going to end up looking something like this:

-Greek clinic emails and requests information and doctor tests.
-I have tests done, send results and info to the clinic
-Greek clinic sends donor lists. Kaitlin and I look them over and send our choices back.
-Greek clinic contacts our chosen egg donors, and we figure out which one is available and willing.
-Egg donor begins her cycle at the Greek clinic; goes on meds.
-I have my clinic here monitor me and put me on any meds needed to sync my cycle with the donor's.
-Clinic lets us know what date we'll need to be there for a transfer; I buy plane and hotel tickets and make arrangements with work to take the time off.
-Egg donor goes in for her retrieval, while we arrive in Greece.
-We spend 9-10 days exploring Athens and nearby islands.
-We go to the clinic and have the transfer. Still debating between 1 and 2 embryos. My little voice of reason says that 1 is the wisest choice, since their success rates are 70%. But my little voice of impatience is stamping her feet in the background, so we'll see...
-I spend the next couple days on bedrest (This isn't a requirement, from what I understand, but it sure couldn't hurt.)
-We get back to the States and I return to work.
-We find out in a couple of weeks if I am pregnant. If not, we gear up for one second round, using any frozen leftover embryos from the first cycle. That one will cost us about $4000 or so, as it will be a short trip.

We'll have an adopted embryo, meaning that the baby won't have a genetic link to either of us... but on the plus side, he/she will be something of a "designer" baby since we get to pick both the donors. So we will still be creating someone utterly unique, and just for us... and I'll still get to experience pregnancy and make sure I'm giving the kiddo the healthiest possible start to life.

So that's the plan now. And my brain is rushing into full-on planning mode. While I'm really frustrated and sad that all the attempts we've made thus far haven't panned out (we could have already done a Greek cycle for the money I've paid out so far this year) it's nice to feel like maybe we have the opportunity for greater momentum than we've seen all year.

I'm not giving up on my OLW for this year - CONCIEVE. There's still some time for that, right?

In the meantime, working on my next book and waiting for the edits to come back on the second Ithyria book. Daydreaming about how nice it would be to be able to be a full-time author, and knowing I'll never pay off the debt I'm about to leap into if I did that. Pfft.

IUI#6 CD9 - Running Out Of Hope

This has been a pretty wretched couple of weeks, overall. Work is a mess - my bosses have decided to move me laterally, pulling me out of the field I've been in for the last 11 years. And it's not because I have such wonderful skill that they desperately need me in another area.. oh no. It's because my staff threw me under the bus in a recent employee survey because they hate the fact that I've actually started supervising them instead of serving as their teammate. And while that's a long story, suffice to say that I've always done as I was told by my manager in this job, and now apparently I am being made the scapegoat for it because my manager failed to pay attention to me or my unit for many years so I had no idea I wasn't doing what they thought I was doing.

Bottom line - the only real way to try and solve the problem now is to move me out of the program I love, and thrust me into a job where the only portable skills I have are in the areas I don't at all like, and I'll have zero expertise in the new subject area. 

I am depressed and angry. My insomnia is back, and I spend nearly every minute of the day trying to decide whether I should stand up for myself or just accept my fate. It doesn't really matter if I talk back or not, I can't make them not-move me, and I do agree that this is pretty much the only option left now, thanks to my crappy boss and her failure to do her job five years ago. And it's not HER career that's being derailed as a result, it's mine. AND, even when I get moved, I still have to answer to her.

Life isn't always fair, and I'm stuck in one of those super-crappy parts of it right now. Add to that the fact that my staff are all acting like nutcases today, and because my body is more resistant to the Follistim after two rounds of it, we're having to do doses of 350IU every day - that's more than one 900IU vial every three days, or $800ish every three days. They also told me this morning that I'm going to owe an additional $180 for storage of our swimmers at the RE's office. We'll have hit the $10,000 mark with this cycle - and we aren't pregnant yet.

I took Kaitlin to the bank over the weekend and applied for a home equity line of credit against my house, because if this final injectable cycle fails, we're going to Greece for donor egg/donor sperm embryo transfer, and that's going to be another $11,000. Basically, when it's all said and done, we will have spent as much as a stateside IVF procedure by the time we get our positive... IF we get our positive.

And then it will take ages to pay off.

In the meantime, Kaitlin remains unemployed. My career is in a tailspin. I can't get pregnant and the creditor bills keep piling up. I haven't taken a vacation in two years now, and I am burning out fast. I keep holding my breath hoping the sun's going to come out - that we'll get that positive pregnancy test, and the perfect job opportunities will come along for both Kaitlin and I, and life will turn around. But right now we're still in the darkness of the tunnel with no light up ahead, and we just have to hope that it's up there someplace. 

I keep reminding myself that it could be worse. I'm not getting fired or demoted, which means I still have the chance to recover my career. No changes are happening to my job YET, since they don't have any place to move me into at the moment and wouldn't until at least January. I just have to be patient, try not to stress myself into an even worse state of infertility, and take it one day at a time. But it's so hard. If only just one thing would go right... I think I could make it through. Just one thing, universe. Hint. HINT...?

Ultrasound this morning showed 3 decent sized follies. They'll call me this afternoon regarding any changes to my dosage and then I'm going to have to buy another $800 vial in order to have enough meds for the rest of this cycle. I'm praying that it's the last one for this cycle, because we still have the $80 trigger and $293 IUI to go. 

If only, if ONLY this was the one that worked. I could handle anything work threw at me, I would be on top of the world, if this could just be the one. 

No matter which way it turns out, once I have my BF(N or P) for this cycle, I'm scheduling a vacation. It will either be a week of staying home and resting (BFP) or a couple weeks spent in Greece in November or December (BFN) but either way I'll have some time away from work. I just have to make it through the next three weeks first. Right now they feel like a hundred years away and I am just so, so tired. 

Lost track of what CD we’re on

After three weeks of birth control, I went back to the RE office today for the moment of truth – an ultrasound to see if we’re ready to start again. It does look like my ovaries are “calm”, as the nurse put it. So they drew blood, and so long as my estrogen is low there will be no more birth control for me – that means my next cycle should start in a day or two and then we start our injections probably Sunday or Monday night.

It feels like everywhere on my facebook page, everywhere in my life, every single day working at my job, I see other people who have kids or who are having kids… sometimes multiple kids. And I can’t even get pregnant with one, even after $8000 and nine months of trying, even after weeks of injections and blood draws and ultrasounds.

So one of my brothers is in Europe today, on his year-long trip around the world. The other is in Hawaii, on his honeymoon. And I am sitting in the fertility clinic for the hundred jillionth time, just hoping that maybe I don’t have to take birth control tonight.

It feels so very, very unfair that I seem to be the only one who can’t have a baby. All my life I’ve been the mother figure to everyone else – to friends, to partners, to family, to the kids at the daycare center where I worked in high school, and even now, to the staff I supervise. People have always looked to me to lean on and help them solve their problems and give them affirmation and security and comfort. Yet they then move on to become real mothers themselves, and I can’t. My body is somehow broken. It feels so unfair I can barely stand it.

And I feel like such a selfish, ungracious, ugly person, because I’m making the happiness of others around me all about my own jealousy and unhappiness. I’m so sad. And, of course, I know that feeling jealous and depressed is only going to reduce my already pathetic fertility so that makes it worse.

So I’m not going to let my pity-party last for long. There’s just no good in it, and it doesn’t get me any closer to what I want. Sometime this week I’m going to go to Wells Fargo and sit down with a loan specialist, as they’re running a “sale” on their loans this month. I figure if I am going to have to take out an $11K loan to do the Greek trip I might as well do it now – we only have one more shot at the injectibles anyway, and then Greece is our last resort.

So I’ll let myself feel like crap today, but only for today ... because starting tomorrow, we gear up for another battle. 

In the meantime, a pic of Kaitlin and I at my brother's wedding:

CD3 – Another BFN, Another Delay

I’ve been feeling so down this past week I haven’t even bothered to blog. But here’s the scoop: Kaitlin got laid off on Thursday. On Monday, I got my period – even though I was on progesterone, which has never happened to me before. So, BFN. Then this morning, I went into the doctor for my CD3 ultrasound, and wouldn’t you know it, I have leftover follicles again. So three weeks of birth control now, before we can tackle our final injectables cycle.

I guess the delay is okay seeing as how Kaitlin’s laid off anyway and it gives me the chance to do a little catchup on the debt from last month’s $3000ish cycle. And it means we don’t have to figure out how to juggle injections and ultrasounds during Battlemoor (a big SCA camping event) this weekend.

But frankly, I am just so tired and sad. There’s drama going on at work, too, with members of my staff going through their own family emergencies and two staff whose roles I’m revising and training and my staff having basically sabotaged all of our managers’ efforts to get us another pair of hands to help us out next year… and I am just done, today. Just done. I don’t want to do anything except go home and bury myself in Korean drama, puppy cuddles, and absolute laziness.

But there’s another day of work to get through, and then two days at least of Battlemoor. I do want to see my Laurel and apprentice family, but honestly they’re the only reasons I’m going. And I’m probably going to mostly just lurk and do nothing for most of the time. I feel crappy and sad and tired. I’m not in an SCA-ing mood. And I’m always so exhausted after them. Even though we’re leaving on Sunday (and thank God I have Monday off for the holiday) I’m still really just going to get a one-day weekend before heading back to work again next week.

My boss also asked me this morning if everything was okay, since I’d had so many doctor appointments this year. So I just told her that we were TTC, and all the trouble we’d been having, and gave her a basic idea of our future plans: this next attempt is our last one, and then we take a few months off to recover financially and we’re going to Greece for a donor egg cycle.  She was supportive, which was really great, and it sounds like she had to conceive at least one of her kids via IVF so she knows what it’s like.

That’s good, I guess.

Kaitlin’s heading to Battlemoor this afternoon, so I’ll be alone tonight. I’m kind of looking forward to it, because I can go to bed as early as I want, I can watch K-drama all night if I want, I can eat whatever I want and be as miserable as I want without making her miserable too.

I just have to make it through the rest of this work day…

IUI#5 CD26 10DPI – Today is not my day

I feel like I’m going to cry today. Super emotional, and of course it’s impossible to tell if that’s a pregnancy symptom or a PMS symptom because they’re both so similar.

Took a pregnancy test last night, and again this morning – both negative. Found out yesterday evening that Kaitlin’s contract ended, so she lost her job – thankfully my job is doing okay for now, but with that and Battlemoor coming up (I’m trying to be excited, really I am, but I’m just not feeling it…) and my brother getting married next month (they’re planning to start trying for kids right away) I’m feeling really depressed today.

It’s still really early – only 10DPI – so it’s entirely possible I could still get a positive test over the weekend or even into next week. But I am dreading spending Battlemoor on my period, with yet another failed cycle and $2200 on my credit card and another month of injections to look forward to with less income… I just feel like I could go home and cry my eyes out, but I can’t because I need to be here at work getting things done.

This work week has been insane; I’ve been hopping all day long, every day, with barely a minute to breathe, much less eat. I am exhausted and feeling kind of hopeless, like there’s really nothing to look forward to in the foreseeable future. I don’t have any vacation coming up; this next holiday weekend gets spent sitting around outside in the sun and the rain and the bugs with pretty much nothing to do, in uncomfortable clothes, just waiting for the event to be over… my brother’s wedding – while I am so happy for him and I love Johanna, my new sister in law, and am looking forward to being there for them on their really awesome day – I can’t help being frustrated. I want to be gracious and loving and just simply happy for my brother, and instead I feel so selfish and horrible.

Maybe I don’t deserve to be a mom??

Or maybe, and more likely, fate is just indifferent altogether. Women who don’t want and shouldn’t be having children have more than they know what to do with, while I can’t get pregnant with even one, not even after spending thousands of dollars trying.

I feel heartbroken and haven’t even gotten a BFN yet this cycle.

I can barely pay attention enough to answer questions from my boss. We’re shorthanded today at work. I am so depressed I can barely stand it, yet there’s nothing to do but keep marching on through the day.

One small glimmer of happiness is that my publisher set the publication date for my next book to March 2015. That’s much sooner than November, which is what they originally told me. It means I’ll have the book out in time for next year’s Pride. So I guess I do have something to look forward to, even if it’s seven months away. I’ll just have to hang on to that for now.

IUI#5 CD16 0DPI - ROUND FIVE!

IUI #5 kicked off this morning. Kaitlin came to the appointment with me today. And I'm feeling optimistic, much more so than last cycle. I have a very thick lining, and at least two good-sized follies; and our new donor's sample was nearly twice the volume of the last one (.9ml instead of .45) and had over 22 million motile swimmers (compared to 7.4 million in the last one). So with three times the swimmers and an even better lining, I am hopeful that we've got a good chance this round.

Plus, I had a dream last night about giving birth and breastfeeding. :P Good sign??

This one cycle has cost nearly $3000, between needing two 900IU vials of Follistim instead of one, and needing more office visits than last time, and having to order more swimmers. It would be really, really nice if this was the one that took. Most of the forum posters who have had success with injectables say that their second injectable round was the lucky one... so I'm holding on to hope. At this point it feels like we've been waiting for a BFP for so long that if it does show up it won't feel real. I've had so many dreams about seeing those two pink lines... if/when it happens I think it's going to feel like I must still be dreaming.

So let's see... if we get pregnant this time, due date will be May 5th. Cinco de Mayo baby! Even better, his/her birthdate would be 5-5-15. LOL... And hey, it also means that I'd have May/June/July off of work for maternity leave, and that's a delightful prospect.

The cramping hasn't started yet, but I'm expecting it to show up in an hour or so. I'm really looking forward to the TWW this time, as it means a reprieve from daily shots and every-other-day blood draws. The insides of my poor elbows are black and blue right now! The nurse also called in a refill of progesterone, so I'll be back to taking that this time around. Since my LP last month was only 10 days it seems like the smartest course of action.  Admittedly, it was nice to have my definitive answer sooner, as it meant we could move onto the next round more quickly. But if a longer wait is the price I have to pay to be sure I don't miscarry a potentially successful pregnancy, then it's worth it. So progesterone starts on Friday night... and then we just have to wait and see. Our test date will be 8/28. Fingers crossed!

IUI#5 CD15 - IUI Tomorrow!

Life has been a whirlwind the past week or two, and I haven't had much time to update.

I've been on the Follistim a little longer, I think, than last time, and the doses have been a lot higher - we never got below 125IU/night, which meant that I had to purchase TWO 900IU vials this time around. This cycle is a lot more expensive than the ones before, with double the meds and ordering more swimmers. SIGH.

But, I had an ultrasound yesterday morning (Sunday) and have three decent-sized follies; one of them is somewhere around 20mm all by itself. So they had us do the trigger shot last night, and the IUI procedure (with our new swimmers) will be tomorrow morning. Hoping against hope that this is the one, especially since it was so darned expensive.

If not, we have one more round of injectables before we start packing our bags and pinching our pennies for a trip to Greece...

In the meantime, I am looking forward to a week or two without doctor appointments and injections. Funny how the TWW starts to feel like a vacation from TTC. :P

We celebrated Kaitlin's unbirthday last Friday - I took her to an exotic car test-driving place and she got to drive a $300,000 fancy sports car. She enjoyed herself thoroughly. :) That was followed by alcohol-infused cupcakes, a movie, dinner at Joe's Crab Shack and a comedy show at the Improv. All in all, a very fun day. Saturday I had a writer's event with a local LGBT fiction group, held at a local lesbian-owned coffeehouse. We had a relatively small turnout, but a lot of good conversation. And I spent yesterday vegging out at home (after the ultrasound and a couple of hours of overdue yard maintenance.)

The work week has started again and I don't feel ready. I have several big pieces on my plate today, including coordinating a temp to work in our file room, and a ton of afternoon meetings. I don't feel like touching any of them, but I need to get started or I won't have enough time to get through everything. Off I go, then...