IVF#3 6DP3DT - BFP or Evaps??

Started testing yesterday, and used up my last two pink Wondfo tests. Both BFN, of course... Yesterday would have been the equivalent of 8DPO. But then, at around 7Pm I used the first of my new batch of Wondfos, which are blue, and got a squinter.

Was so excited I couldn't sleep very well, waiting to get up and test again. And again this morning, a squinter. Tested four times today, and all of them have faint second lines, and I even had Kaitlin look at them and she thinks they're gradually getting darker too. Today is the equivalent of 9DPO.

But, I googled these blue tests and it would seem they are knock offs, not real Wondfos... And I found several complaints about them giving  evaps/false positives. So all I can really do is keep testing (I have 50 tests, so I can pretty much do it as much as I want) and see if the line gets any darker. Right now it's so faint it could be an evap. But would I really get evaps on five tests in a row? Maybe, I guess, if the test batch was just made that way. Still, it's a bit of hope, and it's still really early for testing. So, I'm not calling a BFP yet, but maybe tomorrow will tell whether the line gets darker or keeps coming up like this.

In other weekend news I did very little for two days besides hard core loafing on the couch. And bashed my hand into the refrigerator door while making dinner tonight, it really hurt! In terms of pregnancy symptoms, they've sort of come and gone. Most of the heavy-tummy feeling is gone now, except for a few minutes here and there. I've had an awful lot of tearful outbursts, my boobs are sore, and I've been really tired. Only a little bit of nausea. The majority of the time it doesn't feel like anything much at all. Back to work tomorrow; by this time next week we'll have our answer. Beta is supposed to be on Saturday, but I have to get my Greek doctor to send me the letter so I can get the appointment.

In the meantime, taking a fistful of tests and a little cup to work with me tomorrow. Please little second line, get darker!!!!

IVF#3 4DP3DT – Biding Time

So today would be the equivalent of 7 DPO. Whereas with IVF#2 I had every single symptom under the sun, even this early, yesterday and today have been really mild. A bit of nausea, mostly at mealtimes;  a bit of constipation, though nowhere near as awful as last time; a bit of fatigue (that could very well be jet lag) followed by an unusual amount of energy;  and a bit of moodiness, though again nowhere near as bad as the last round. Oh, and an appetite that’s either ravenous or non-existent, depending on the nausea.

The most prevalent and constant “symptom” is one I had even before the embryo transfer, and that’s the heavy, full feeling. It’s similar to the sensation right before a period starts, where it just feels like the uterus is full and dragging down a bit. The muscles feel tired, as if I did three hundred sit-ups several days ago and the worst of the soreness has past, and now the muscles aren’t painful but they’re tired and overly sensitive… that’s the best way I can think of to describe it. Sometimes they twinge or twitch a little. Sometimes it actually feels a little achy. But it never goes away, so it’s a 24/7 reminder of the TWW. Kind of hard to successfully not-think-about-whether-I-am-pregnant when the sensation is neverending. Pffft.

And, while I know it’s silly, I swear I worry every time I bend over, every time I stand longer than 60 seconds, every time I laugh or go to the bathroom or even just stretch in the morning – because those muscles are sensitive I’m hyper aware of every time I use them, and a little red flag pops up in the back of my mind going “hey, be careful!” X.x

Had an odd dream last night about a really young, really thin girl who was pregnant and had two kids already. Her belly was almost see-through and I could see her baby pressing its hands against her stomach from the inside. I spent most of the dream taking care of her two older children, and running around this big mansion trying to find her so that they could see their mom. No clue what it might mean, if it means anything at all, but it was vivid enough that I apparently still remember it hours later. Oh, and there was a huge, old ballroom in this mansion, that was magnificent but had gone unused for probably eighty years, and was mostly forgotten and  obsolete, and used to store toys that belonged to the owner’s children.

Freud would probably have a field day.

Oh, and let’s see, in the last two days at work I have seen no less than 3 hugely pregnant women, one teeny tiny brand new newborn, and more toddlers than I could count on one hand. And I have this weird emotional response, angry and sad and wistful and happy happy happy all at the same time.  Mostly the hormones, I’m sure, but sheesh.

It would make me feel better to get an early, strong BFP, and high beta numbers. I had a later BFP last time (about 13DPO) and low beta numbers (starting at 190) and part of me wonders if that’s because baby was headed for a miscarriage from the start. At the same time, early strong results are often indicative of multiples… so about three seconds after I were to get them I’d be all worried about what it might *mean* in terms of the quantity. LOL.

That’s really all there is to report at the moment. Definitely staying busy at work, though I’m really glad it’s Friday. I have a few small chores planned for the weekend, but otherwise I’ll probably spend it camped on the couch watching Korean drama. Sunday is the first day I’m letting myself POAS – it will be 6DP3DT, or around 9 DPO. Way early, I know, but if this is going to work I want that info as soon as it is physically possible. I remember, after we got our BFP in December, what an amazing sense of peace it was, long before we went in for the beta… and the TWW was no longer agonizing as soon as that second pink line showed up and I already knew what the beta was going to say.

Of course I knew at beta #2 in April, too. But I much prefer knowing before the lab confirms it, to the agony of waiting a full 14 days without a clue. Right now waiting just two more days to POAS, even knowing that I’m unlikely to see a BFP that early, feels like it is just soooooooo long. :P

IVF#3 2DP3DT - Home Sweet Home

loooooong trip home yesterday! Fairly uneventful, though, as traveling goes. We took a taxi to he airport, had a ten hour flight to Philly, a three and a half hour layover, and another near-four hour flight to get home, where a friend was kind enough to pick us up. Oh, the luxury of sleeping in our own (soft) bed, with my own (soft and plump) pillow!! Today we are taking it easy, unpacking and driving the 2 hours down to my mom's house to retrieve my dog, and taking care of other odds and ends. Tomorrow, back to work.

Not feeling a whole lot in terms of symptoms, still peeing a bunch and have that low, achy tummy feeling like I did before the transfer, as if my uterus is swollen. :P But that's about it. Still really trying to think positively, though seems like that gets just a little harder every day. So much disappointment over the last year and a half makes it hard to hold faith that this time will be different.

Even though I kind of think it will?

Because we had three day embryos this time, the TWW feels longer. Like, today is the day we would have had the transfer if we'd had 5-day embryos. And it really won't make sense to start taking tests until Sundayish, which is about the equivalent of 9 DPO... And still early for testing. So that means getting through today, two days back at work, and one day of weekend, probably just to get a negative test the first few times. :P the TWW always makes me feel like a little kid again. remember when, as a child, an hour was FOREVER... And two weeks might as well be an eternity? As you age time seems to go by faster, or maybe there's just more perspective so it seems more fleeting. Not during the TWW, though. It feels like you've hit the slow-mo button on life's remote, and the next two weeks will take a jillion years.

Interestingly, while TTC-ers are agonizing over the will-it-or-won't-it wait, those little embryos are working like tiny energizer bunnies, fighting for their little lives by trying to grow big enough to attach to the uterine wall before they run out of steam. For them every moment probably feels like the ticking of a bomb, passing way too fast... And we hopeful mommies are only agonizing because we have no way of knowing how they're doing in there, and so very few things we can do to help them. Sigh. If only there was a way to get a status report each day of their progress. My uterus needs email, lol...

"Good morning, expectant mother. We have some good news and some bad news this morning; overnight Embryo #3 arrested, and is sadly no longer viable. However, Embryos #1 and #2 have reached blastocyst stage, and are expected to hatch sometime today. And Embryo #4, though a bit behind the others, is performing surprisingly well, and may reach blastocyst before close of business this afternoon. Please continue timely medicine delivery. The next update is scheduled for tomorrow morning at 8:00 AM sharp."

Would sure be nice.

Anyway, going to really start pushing my name change tomorrow. Have to change it at the bank, and on all my utilities, and most importantly get those IT guys at work to give me my new email address so I can start using it full time there. So, project for the TWW...

IVF#3 CD23 - D-day, Part Deux

Okay, back at the hotel after the embryo transfer.

We did have another long wait in the waiting room, both before and after the transfer, but I guess I am better prepared for the wait times now since they didn't seem nearly so difficult as the first cycle (or maybe it's just that I'm not jet lagged anymore, LOL)

So, the doctor did stop to see us pre-transfer this time, unlike round #2. And, though we have 3 day embryos this round, he was really pretty excited... Said we had four and he was going to use them all. If that had happened on the first or even the second round I probably would have panicked. Instead, I only got bug eyed for a few minutes before thinking what the hell. It's just a sign that this is, indeed, our month. So we went upstairs, I changed onto the little plastic booties and cotton gown thing, and they were nice and let Kaitlin into the procedure room with me. Maybe it's just because she was there, I don't know, but it seems like it was a lot less uncomfortable than transfer #2. Also, the doctor asked for a special catheter for me, and then paused in the middle of the procedure ( leaning a little on one of my knees as he did) and explained that he had invented this particular catheter some 20 years ago, and when he went to Cornell in the U.S. he ran into a doctor who was very excited to show him this fancy catheter they were using for curved cervixes like mine, and he had to tell the guy he knew all about it seeing as how he was the one who'd come up with it to start with.

It was kind of awkward and calming at the same time, actually, that he paused mid-procedure to tell us all that... It did actually make me feel more relaxed, oddly, though it was a little strange to be having a conversation with a guy who had various bits of metal and plastic holding my nether regions open. :p  but anyway, the whole thing took like three minutes and it was done. Got rolled back out to the gurney room for my hour of laying down, and talked for a little while with a lovely woman from London (I think she may have been of Indian descent, though she had the prettiest British accent). Finally finished with that, went downstairs, waited a while longer for what is basically the exit interview with the nurse and doctor. Only had to pay another 13 euro for medication, because I'd given her a count of all the meds I still had and she said it would be all I needed.

And then we took a taxi back to the hotel, and I am currently lying down for my bed rest after sending Kaitlin to go get food, as I am starving.

And that's that, folks. The TWW begins again! I feel peaceful about it, at least for now, as if it really is a done deal and this one is going to work. Our test date is August 1, but I'll probably start POAS-ing around 6DP3DT... So like, next Sunday. It's the equivalent of 9DPO, so highly unlikely anything will show up by then, but I like to start early so as to hopefully know as soon as is humanly possible.

We fly home tomorrow. I took Wednesday off, both to recover from jet lag and to go pick up my puppy from my mom... Will probably unpack and such too.

Four. Surely four will do the trick this time...

IVF#3 CD 23 - D-day

Woke up at about 4:30 to pee and can't go back to sleep. Guess I'm too excited about the transfer today. It is, after all, the whole reason we're here... For the third time.... And I really want this to finally be the one. This is going to be the one.

Yesterday we walked to the mall near our hotel and scoped out the food options for today. Ate some of the best Italian food I've ever had in my life, and took the leftovers back for dinner. Spent a little time cooling off in the pool, showered, watched a movie, ate dinner and went to bed around 9. That could be why I'm up so early now, too.

Our transfer is at 9 am, so basically we're getting up & dressed, eating breakfast, and taking the assortment of trains and metro needed to get to my doctors office. Don't know how long it will take, but once it's done we'll be taking a taxi back, and then it's bed rest for me the rest of the day.

so in a few hours I will be pregnant, and I just have to hope I stay that way long enough to get to meet our little one(s) in person. 60% odds aren't bad. And something like 75% of women are successful after three tries. Begging the universe to let it be me this time...

More updates later.

IVF#3 CD22 - One More Sleep

The three-day transfer thing has me a little weirded out. All of the internet's oh-so-helpful charts would insist that chances aren't as good with three day embryos. And when I went back and looked at my blog entries from my last trip, I am suspicious whether I actually had 5-day embryos last time. If they didn't do fertilization until the final lining ultrasound, the the embryos would have been three-day last time too. Some clinics on the internet swear by the three day, most swear by five. I am sure that my first transfer, the one where I got pregnant, was a five day, because they scanned me on a Monday and I had the transfer on a Friday. I also get the impression that my Greek doctor may not understand the relevance of the 3day vs 5 day transfer question, when I've asked him. Maybe for him they're interchangeable? Or maybe they really did do the fertilization a couple days before my scan last time? Maybe the last two really were five day, and they're switching it up this time to see if it helps? Maybe it REALLY DOESN'T MATTER???

I don't know.

Anyway, yesterday after breakfast we went downtown and I sat in a (hot) garden for a couple hours while Kaitlin went to the coin museum she really wanted to see. Then we had lunch, and I introduced her to the yogurt bebap thing that was so yummy last time- she loved it too. We walked around a little and then went back to the hotel for rest and to watch a movie. We were smart this time, and bought sandwiches and fruit to take back to the room with us for dinner so we wouldn't be starving OR have to spend a fortune at the hotel restaurant.

Today is a loafing day. Eating breakfast now, will probably watch movies and hang out by the pool most of the day. We do have to go out at some point to get food though, probably to the mall nearby. We haven't taken nearly as many pictures this time around either, I guess because with each repeated visit Athens starts feeling more like our own backyard, as if we've merely gone downtown for a few days. :P

Tomorrow is D-day, for better or worse, followed by even more hard-core loafing. I still just keep trying to repeat to myself that we're picking up our baby tomorrow. It has more of a "done-deal" feel to it, though uncertainty is hard to push down right now. Kaitlin keeps telling me to get off the internet. :P She's probably right. Nothing online is going to make my chances better or worse, other than making me nervous. LOL.

Well, anyway, one more sleep till our baby is in me... My biggest job right now is to take my meds, hydrate, relax, and show up to the doctor's office on time. I can do that, right? Not so hard. The rest is up to the doctor, the embryologist, and ultimately, the embryos themselves. Come on, little babies... You can doooo eeet!!

IVF#3 CD 21 - Back in Athens

Jet lag is hitting pretty hard this time around, so I haven't had it in me to blog yet. But anyway, we wrapped things up at home, got my dog to my mom's, caught a ride with a friend to the airport, made it through transfers to Philly and Paris before hitting Athens, and then took the metro, suburban railway, and walking to our hotel. Long trip...

First thing we did after arriving was go for a swim in the hotel pool. I still have some water in my ear (annoying!) then yesterday we went to Embio for an ultrasound. doc says my lining is 10mm with the right striations, so they were going to do fertilization that day and the embryo transfer will be on Monday at 9 am. Means we're apparently having a 3 day transfer this time, where the others have been 5 day. Not sure whether this is a good thing or a bad one?? I guess, since the other two haven't worked, that it's maybe one of the few things we can do to change it up and try something different for success. The nurse reiterated there's a 60% chance of success. I think I'm just hoping, if we have to do a three day transfer, that we have three embryos again this time. I'm not going to say a word to the doc about limiting it to two, not this time. I just want a sticky BFP once and for all.

I was doing well with my optimism and positive thinking up to this point, but it's getting harder to hold on to as D-day approaches. Hard not to think about how much I need this one to work, or how long it will be before we'll have another shot at it if it doesn't. Also, the meds contribute a lot to moodiness and general discomfort... I've been nauseous for the past four or five days now, and the peeing every ten seconds has resumed, so it's harder to stay cheerful and confident when feeling crummy before there's even an embryo in there!

Still, I know lots of people get positive results on a three day transfer. There might even be a chance at having some embies to freeze. Maybe perhaps?? The doc didn't mention that so I'm not really counting on it, but I do know that we haven't had any the last two times so who knows.

Today Kaitlin wants to go downtown to see the ancient coin museum. Then I think we'll probably grab lunch and some take-back-to-the-hotel snacks in Monastiraki, since we're having to watch our budget very closely this round and so last night had to make our somewhat expensive pizza stretch into two meals... I woke up starving and hit the breakfast buffet as soon as it opened.

Anyway, because Monday is transfer day, and we fly home Tuesday, basically we're going to have the transfer, go back to the hotel for bed rest the rest of the day, and then I am putting Kaitlin in charge of getting us home (calling taxis, pulling luggage, getting us from one place to the next, administering shots.) I am going to do nothing whatsoever, because the point is to be as relaxed and rested as possible for the next few days. But, the three day transfer means I probably wouldn't get a positive HPT until the following weekend, at the earliest... So the TWW may be a couple days longer than it's been in the past.

Just have to keep telling myself that this one is going to work.

By the way, a Facebook meme I took today says that I am destined to have one child, a boy. I'd be delighted if it came true. Because as we all know, Facebook never lies. :P