39WK3d - he's not here yet

We got the first sneak peek of our amazing maternity shoot with Briony Hope Photography. Turned out so pretty! I think this may be the most skin I've ever posted on the Internet, but oddly Briony made me feel prettier and sexier at eight months pregnant than I ever could have imagined. Really can't wait to see the rest of the pics from the set...

In the meantime, every day is a new strange grab bag of symptoms. My hands, particularly the first two fingers and thumb, go numb while I'm sleeping, so they've started to feel very swollen and the joints are sore, like arthritis. Baby Searc likes to wiggle around a lot, jamming his hands and elbows into my bladder and his feet and toes into my ribs. I have so little energy and even less mobility.  But it's kind of fun to watch my stomach squirming around as he moves. It's kind of hard to connect those sensations and movements with the fact that there's a real person, a tiny person inside my body right now. I think it may not end up feeling truly real until he's actually here.

I've had a ton of doctor appointments, every one shows he's doing well and on track, even on the big side (eep). At one of the appointments last week the doctor was checking my cervix and did some membrane clearing, which she said might induce labor, but no such luck. Made it through the weekend feeling uncomfortable and stiff and achy, but no contractions. And now it is 4 am and I am so congested I can't breathe or sleep. Drinking third trimester tea in the hope that it will get baby moving along. Since he didn't come this weekend, I have to go to work today... And I am not looking forward to the long commute or all the things I am responsible for doing up to the point when labor starts and I can finally go on leave.

From what I can find on the Internet, the congestion is supposed to go away within a couple weeks of delivery. I really hope that's true because now that the nasal sprays no longer really work, the one thing I haven't tried yet is Sudafed. Once it gets late enough this morning I'm going to go to the drug store for some, but I'm not holding out much hope - Sudafed has never worked very well for me.

If baby doesn't come today or tomorrow, I have my next appointment tomorrow afternoon. Last week the doctor mentioned that they could let me go as much as a week overdue, but when we hit the due date we could also induce. My doctor's office measured the due date as April 6, even though I happen to know it's April 8th based on the date of conception. At this point though I don't want to quibble... If they're willing to induce me on Wednesday or Thursday I'll take it.

I'm pretty terrified of the birth and delivery process. Had a meltdown when I started thinking seriously about the IV they're going to give me... I have a phobia of needles but it's really a phobia of foreign objects stuck in my skin, and IVs go in and just... Hang out there, being foreign. *shudder* not as worried about the epidural because once the medicine starts the epidural site also goes numb. Nothing's going to make the IV sit numb, though. And of course then I have all the other normal anxieties about birthing... How will I manage the pain when I have no pain tolerance, what if I tear, what if they have to cut me, what if I end up with a c-section (recovery sounds horrible), how will I be able to go to the bathroom after? All these totally unglamorous things that I just have to keep reminding myself if other women survive them, often repeatedly, then I'm going to make it through ok. And I'm only doing it once, and everybody promises me it will be worth it in the end... I know I must believe that because I wouldn't have fought so long to make this baby otherwise.

Deep breath. Truly, pregnancy has upped my anxiety levels to preposterous proportions. I've been on a crazy hormone trip for so many years now that sometimes I'm not even sure who I'll end up being once this roller coaster comes to a stop. :/

Anyway. I've been feeling so crummy between pregnancy discomforts and work stress that I haven't felt much like blogging, even though we have the nursery mural done and I'm super excited with how it turned out. I'll get around to blogging the pictures soon, promise. Right now, literally just trying to make it through the next couple hours of congested hell so that I can get ready for the work day and get to the drug store. I have the sad feeling that there will be no more sleep for me tonight :(

37WK4D - Home Stretch

Less than three weeks from baby boy's due date, and so many developments I will basically have to list them in bullets:

Symptoms (I have, like, everything right now)

• I sleep for maybe 5 hours a night until the congestion keeps me from being able to go back to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. Also, my first two fingers and thumb on each hand go numb after I've been laying down for a while, which is distracting.
• Excessively thirsty. Can't seem to drink enough water.
• Swelling in my ankles and hands has actually gone down. Still a little bit going on but nowhere near as painful or crippling as a couple weeks ago. Very, very grateful for the relief from this one.
• Congestion is increasingly worse, and harder to manage even with nasal spray... It wears off too fast.
• Tired. Nauseous, especially in the morning. Heightened anxiety.
• Belly button is almost flat with the rest of my stomach now.
• Swollen, uncomfortable girly bits. Oh, and hemorrhoids. Fun.

Last week's Doctor checkup:

• I lost two pounds (I think because the swelling has reduced) and belly didn't seem to be measuring any bigger than two weeks prior.
• They did a cervical exam, which hurt because my cervix is wayyyy high. She said it was still closed and firm, but about 66% effaced, and baby is head down.
• Baby's heart rate was in the 160's
• They ordered an ultrasound so we got to see him again. It was harder to get good image because he's big now. They estimated he was 7lbs, 8oz.... Gah!!! All his parts are in the right place and doing what they're supposed to, though. He keeps his hands up by his face, and his face mooshed into the placenta, so it was hard to get a good look at him.

Last night's developments:

• Pretty sure I had my first Braxton Hicks contraction (s). Bent down to pick up some laundry and when I straightened my whole belly felt tight, like I was trying to hold a sit-up. Stayed that way for a while. Seemed to get better when I sat down, but resumed when I got back up. There was no real beginning or end to the feeling, like I'd expected... It just was tight, then wasn't anymore. Weird.
• Also pretty sure I lost the mucus plug last night as I was peeing for the hundred millionth time. Wasn't as much as I expected and no blood or blood streaks. Just like a dime's worth of very clotted, shiny EWCM, kind of light yellow. Yay mucus. :P

Work:

• Oh, work. What a huge ball of crazy. My boss announced she is moving on to another job and her last day is 3 days before I'm due. She has always been very, very difficult to work with and I'm a little relieved to have the chance to be answerable to someone else, but the timing means my maternity coverage plan is out the window and my staff are pretty vulnerable for the next few weeks.
• One member of my staff resigned with no notice last week. Probably also a change for the better, though she was a good caseworker and her shoes will be hard to fill. We're getting to hire two contractors to replace her FTE, but I don't know if I'll be around long enough to interview and onboard them... And definitely not to train them. That means my one remaining experienced enforcement worker, who is already covering the majority of my duties because she's the only one who can, is the only resource for three newbie workers once I'm out.
• We're creating a team lead position in order to promote one of my remaining three seasoned workers into a position of more leadership (and higher pay.) but once the position posts there's a hiring process for that, too. Will I be there long enough to see it through?
• Our unit is being moved under the eligibility manager, Erin. I like her and I think it will be a nice change to report to her. In addition, they are going to hire a child support/customer service manager to report directly to her and oversee our unit. I thought I might have caught hints that Erin and our director, Dan, want me to apply for it.  I know that my soon to be former boss had no such intention and had a different person in mind for the job. Not sure if she will be part of the hiring process. Not sure if I would be screwing the team over if I apply, since if they picked me I couldn't step into the role until after maternity leave. Pretty sure that if I did apply and got the job, they would hire a new supervisor for the unit through our contract company. Also not sure how that would work but maybe it would actually be the best way to give my team the leadership they need while I'm out?
• Either way, that job is supposed to be posted in the next couple days. I am waiting for it to come out so I can read it before I decide whether to apply or not. If it does look like something I want, I have to figure out if I should talk to Erin or Dan first about whether I should apply,or just send in an app and see what they do with it, or chicken out because I don't want to see the look on my former boss' face or answer her snarky questions if she decides to be hard on me in the interview.
• All of that is, of course, assuming I don't go into labor first.

Other Developments:

Nursery painting is finally done and so, so cute. We have to wait for a chance to take pics in the daylight before we can share them, though. 

House is a wreck. I have so little mobility and energy and haven't been able to clean much. Thinking about hiring someone to do some chores as I think it would make me feel a little better.

Feeling more and more apprehensive about labor the closer we get. Labor has always been the scariest part of this whole thing for me. And of course, the closer you get the more people want to tell you their horror stories about how awful it is. What if i poop on the delivery table? What if I tear, or have to be cut? (I think I'd almost prefer a C-section, ugh.)  what if I throw up? What if the epidural doesn't work, or wears off? What if it's just horrific pain that there's nothing anybody can do anything about? Honestly I'm more scared of labor than anything else right now. Not worried for baby, I feel like he's going to be fine. Not worried for the exhaustion of a newborn's "schedule", that I can roll with the flow on. Not worried about diapers or even breastfeeding. Right now those things sound pretty manageable, in the face of pushing an eight (ten?) pound watermelon out of my body. I told Kaitlin that if I am in pain, if it's not going well, if I'm pooping or tearing or have to be cut, that I want all grandparents shooed out of the room. I'm ok with them being in there if the epidural is making things calm and bearable, but I really don't want to be self-conscious of my parents and hers looking on while I'm in bad shape.

So anyway. That's where life is right now. Still can't post pictures to this blog with my iPad, I'm going to have to find a solution to that eventually. In the meantime I've managed to kill the hour of not being able to sleep before my alarm goes off. Time to get up and head back to work...

THIRTY-SIX WEEKS

Blogging from my iPad tonight because I haven't had any time at a real computer.... So I can't post images in this one. But, a few updates that should be shared in these last few weeks... :)

I spent week 34 of pregnancy being maybe the sickest I've ever been in my adult life. Went to the doctor with bronchitis, spent the weekend and two workdays at home in bed just focusing on making it through the day. Fever, awful sinus issues, nausea, headache, body aches, a cough that got deeper by the day and liquid rattling in my lungs. Insult to injury, of course, since I'm pregnant I couldn't take any of the meds that would really make a difference. I had Tylenol, robitussin, Vicks, and mucinex, and my doctor prescribed me an antibiotic... But pretty much it was just dealing with the misery until it ran its course.

It's been three weeks and I'm only just now starting to really feel better, though the sickness took a lot out of me and I feel exponentially more tired than before. Not sure if that's just end-of-pregnancy- normal or if being sick depleted my reserves... But either way it's been rough. I still have the cough, though it's much improved compared to how it was during the worst of it. I am really thankful to be feeling better though, and I hope the whole thing passes before I go into labor. Coughing through contractions sounds like it would be just horrific :/

We are now one week away from full term! Baby boy is still kicking and squirming all over, and a few times I've lifted my shirt up so Kaitlin can watch my belly move like a scene out of "Alien". On Wednesday we went and had maternity photos taken with a very talented photographer, Briony Hope, who managed to make me feel beautiful and sexy in spite of my aching feet and swollen ankles... It was a lot of fun. We don't have any of the pics yet, but hoping to get them in the next couple weeks. I feel like they're going to turn out pretty amazing from the glimpses she gave us from the back of her camera, and I can't wait to see the finished versions.

Speaking of aching feet, the lower leg and ankle swelling so far has been one of the most unpleasant pregnancy side effects. It's dramatic enough that I have to sit at work with my legs propped up, and ice packs strapped between my ankles. The soles of my feet feel like bruised water balloons and hurt when I walk, especially on those middle-of-the-night trips to the bathroom. This is one pregnancy symptom I will really not miss. :P

The nursery still needs about two more weekends' worth of painting work, but I am loving the way it's turning out. We have the Europe wall, the castle wall, the Arctic wall, and a little more than half the Asia/Africa/Americas wall done... Just need Brazil, the US, Canada, Mexico, and then the Islands wall behind the door. Really hoping we'll get it finished before little man makes his appearance. He just better love his room for a good 6-7 years before he asks to change it, because it has been a ton of work!

Things at my job are pretty crazy. We have a brand new hire that I'm working frantically to train before I go on leave, in addition to training all my other staff and my boss on the duties each person will need to cover while I'm out. It's keeping me from being able to do as much proactive working-ahead on projects as I'd planned, which is frustrating, but I guess I can't do much else than keep pressing hard until baby decides that it's time to start my leave. The ladies at work did throw me an amazing baby shower, though, and were really generous with gifts, so I feel like we're well stocked for his initial weeks at home.

Oh, just to spice things up, my tiny min-pin decided last weekend to eat the 6-inch Subway sandwich that Kaitlin forgot to put away, and gave herself pancreatitis to the tune of a $1100 vet bill. *cries* it was so hard to watch her in pain, and I'm grateful that she seems to be almost back to normal now, but that was definitely not an expense we needed just four weeks from our due date. Sigh.

So that's what's been going on in our lives the past couple of weeks. Just biding time 'til our little Searc arrives...

33 WEEKS - Feeling Crappy

Glad to be at 33 weeks today - only 7 more to go!

Unfortunately I'm in one of those slumps where I feel like crap. I've had a chronic headache for three days and I'm starting to develop a cough. I had a low fever last night, too, which meant both chills and feeling overheated at the same time, and I didn't end up sleeping very well. I may be fighting off the super nasty bug that Kaitlin had a couple weeks ago. Trying to keep the vitamin C and water flowing and just make it through the next five minutes, and then the next five...

I'm at work today but only barely. My head hurts and my eyes hurt and my stomach hurts and I want to sleep so much... But I can't go home sick, because today we have an interview for our open position and it's pretty vital, and besides, I don't want to use my leave time before my maternity leave. So I'm going to stick it out until after the interview ends at 4:30, then I'm going home, and I'll make up the last couple hours I need to do either tonight or this weekend. 

Just have to make it a few more hours.

32WK5D - Gender announcement

So we finally got to have our baby shower over the weekend, which means I'm finally allowed to announce baby's gender to the general world. ;) We decided to do the announcement simply through appropriate party decorations:

In case you can't see the banner across the windows very well - it's a BOY! <3

We were also able to share his name with everybody. Yes, we're going to end up *those* parents, the ones who name their kid something that's pretty off-the-beaten-path: Searc D'Artagnan. The first name is Irish Gaelic, means "love", and sounds like "shark". (Our alternate for a girl was "Saoirse", which means "freedom", and sounds like "Seersha".) And his middle name is a character from The Three Musketeers, which makes it both literary and related to swordfighting. ;) He'll either love it or hate it, I guess, but we've decided that if he doesn't like it we'll help him legally change it when he gets old enough to choose something different for himself. Still, I'm pretty convinced that few little boys would not love the name SHARK. And I'm kind of thinking many grown men would secretly love it too, LOL. 

So anyway, we had a wonderful party with many wonderful friends, and a few of their little ones too <3 We had the "It's A Small World" castle put on the cake, which turned out pretty nice, and got the chance to show off our halfway-finished nursery, and all in all really enjoyed ourselves. 

Of course, we were both really exhausted afterward, because we've spent weeks cleaning and doing nursery work to prep for the party. 

So Sunday, which was Valentine's Day, turned into a day for resting. I went shopping at a bunch of baby consignment and thrift stores for more nursery stuff, and we took our 32-week belly pic (gender announcement edition!):

I really do have a belly that shows up now, though it's still small enough that we scheduled our maternity photos for the 35 week mark, which is later than the photographer usually does them, in the hopes that the bump will be closer to the impressive ones she usually photographs. Of course, we also have to seriously hope that baby boy doesn't decide he's in a hurry and arrives before we get the chance to take pictures!

Things at work are still pressurized, though not as bad as they were in January. Right now I'm focused mostly on building a solid coverage plan while I'm out. I presented my maternity leave plan to my boss, and got the impression she's not thrilled I'm taking all 12 weeks of FMLA - but since I have the leave to cover it in full and I'm entitled to it by law, I guess the end result is that the plan is approved, even if she never directly said so. Anyway, the plan involves 8 weeks off, then working from home for 8 hours in week 9 and 16 hours in week 10, then four weeks working on-site 20 hours/week, then three weeks working 4-day weeks, before I'm completely back to full time. It really is a win-win, since I come back to work earlier, get to ease back into a work schedule instead of leaping back in, and get to use all 12 weeks of my leave. Oh, and by the time I'm back to a regular schedule I'll also have another 5 1/2 days worth of leave saved back up again. At no time will I actually be without leave hours entirely.

I'm looking forward to it maybe more than I should. For better or worse, I'll have eight weeks to refocus my life around my son instead of my job. Right now the round the clock feedings and diaper changes and so on still sound like a welcome vacation compared to the pressure cooker at work. :P One of the many reasons I wanted to be a parent so badly is so that I wouldn't grow old and look back on my life and realize I lived most of it defined by my job. A child lets me redefine my life around things that matter more than what I do for a paycheck.

So anyway, feeling pretty good this past week. Nausea is more under control since I increased the Diclegis, and congestion is mostly under control with Afrin. Had some sleeping difficulties in the last few days, but slept well last night (really didn't want to wake up this morning!) Baby boy is moving and grooving all the time. He's found one spot on my left side that I think he's jabbing an elbow into, and that randomly hurts, but otherwise it's the usual weird slooshing and sliming from one side to the other, or from top to bottom, or little kicks to my ribcage just under my lungs. He also gets the hiccups pretty regularly too. It took me a while to realize that's what they are, because it feels like a rhythmic kicking against my cervix from the inside. It's a bizarre sensation, but now that I know what it is it's kind of funny.

No Braxton-Hicks contractions that I've noticed. I have, however, graduated to the swollen ankles and feet stage, not enjoyng that so much. :P

A nursery post will be coming soon, promise! In the meantime, my lunch break's about over so time to get back to work ;)

30WK2D - catching up

Wow do I have a lot of catching up to do... It's been ages since I last blogged. Things at work have gotten a little nuts. Had to let someone go, and another staff person just went out on military leave so I'm training her replacement, and we just got a new customer service assistant so I'm training her too, with almost no time to do anything for myself anymore. Between working until 7-8 every night, my hour long commute, being seven months pregnant, and Kaitlin being super sick this past week (trying desperately not to catch what she's got) I'm pretty much all used up most of the time.

That being said, I managed to do my taxes and pay my bills last week. And we've been able to make steady, if slow, progress on the nursery. Also, we've made it into the third trimester! HOME STRETCH, GUYS!! I can't believe it's coming up so fast.

But first things first. Belly picture updates! We have one for 28 weeks:

And one from this weekend at 30 weeks. CUCUMBERBABY <3

Up next, we have pics from the 3D ultrasound that we had done yesterday. Baby spent a lot of time smashing face into the placenta and/or a hand, but the tech did a great job of catching these shots anyway. Just look at this little face!

We had these done at Belly Up Spa in south Denver, the same place we went back in September-ish to do the gender scan at 14 week. The place is super cute and the ladies there are all so nice! I splurged on a little "heartbeat animal" - they recorded baby's heartbeat into a little glowy heartshaped thing and then stuffed it inside a plush giraffe. <3 It makes for good cuddling!

I haven't been able to stop staring at these pics. I've been feeling baby kicking and grooving around for months now, but somehow, getting to see baby's face makes it so much more REAL. In ten weeks, this little person is going to leave my body and join our family. Just... Amazing.

In terms of pregnancy symptoms, being tired still tops the list. I also threw up yesterday morning - for only the second time in this entire pregnancy, so I don't really get to complain - though the nausea is mostly kept in check so long as I take my Diclegis. I am having an increasingly hard time fitting baby, food, oxygen, pee and gas in my body at the same time. So right after I eat I usually have a hard time breathing for a while. Congestion is chronic, but held at bay mostly by Afrin. Taking a ton of Vitamin C to try and keep from getting Kaitlin's bug :/ oh, and occasionally I pee a little, by accident, when I sneeze. Or cough, or laugh. Don't much care for that at all! Only other symptom is that the soles of my feet get tired and swollen a lot faster than they used to, so I basically want to wear sneakers all the time.

In the meantime, we're working hard on the nursery - which will really need its own separate post. So leaving things here for tonight, hopefully this week I'll get the chance to update again with some of the nursery in-progress pics and other goodies <3. In the meantime, headed to bed...going to be another long, long workday tomorrow...

25WK6D - Closing Out The Year

Starting this off with a belly pic from Christmas last week, which coincidentally fell on the same day as our 25-week milestone!

ACORNSQUASHBABY doesn't really roll off the tongue, but that's what the sticker says, LOL. In just a few more weeks, we're out of the second trimester and into the third. Things are starting to get REAL now, yo. :P I still get a lot of comments about how I don't look very pregnant yet - but I'm betting the third trimester's going to kick baby growth into a more obvious gear.

I've been feeling pretty good, overall. Lots of congestion, lots and lots of baby kicks - they're strong enough now that I can sit at work and watch my tummy bouncing <3 Still a little bit of nausea, but it's not bad. And sitting/lying down is awkward and uncomfortable, especially when I have a full stomach. I'm a little tired too, but energy levels are much better than they used to be. So overall, heading into the next few weeks doing pretty well. Our next appointment is on Monday, January 4th - I believe it's mostly a checkup and they do some sort of additional blood test, make sure baby is growing properly and all of that.

We had a really nice Christmas and I finally got to meet my tiny baby niece! Cricket (my little minpin) was fascinated. It's sure going to be interesting for her when our baby shows up, hehe~*

That's my dining room table all set up for Christmas. I am thinking next year, when we have a 8-9 month old, it may not look quite so polished so I better enjoy the memories while I can! Oh, and Kaitlin made the CUTEST Nutcracker-themed scratch-off card game - they looked a bit like lottery tickets - to reveal baby's gender to the family. There was only one "winning" card in the batch - everyone had to scratch off three gold seals to reveal little Nutcrackers (for a boy) and Sugar Plum Fairies (for a girl), and the person who got three matching symbols had the right answer. It was a ton of fun, and my mom was the one who got the winning card, so she got to announce the answer to the rest of the family. <3 I'm still not allowed to announce it on the blog or to friends yet, though, because Kaitlin wants to wait for our shower/gender reveal party that's probably going to be set for February. That feels like such a loooooong time to wait - I'm having an increasingly hard time keeping myself from slipping up as more and more people ask me how the pregnancy is going. :P

Anyway, today is the last day of 2015. And what a year it's been. The nightmare of miscarriage, returning to Greece twice, finally getting pregnant again, the misery of the first trimester, Kaitlin's dad passing away, drama at work, getting married in Vegas, and ending the year five months pregnant and anticipating what will likely be an even more chaotic 2016 :P

I realized this morning that I never did end up picking a OLW (One Little Word) for 2015. The miscarriage and subsequent attempts sapped my confidence quite a bit. Choosing an optimistic word felt presumptuous; choosing a determined word felt like more of a challenge than I had the strength for; and choosing a negative word felt like I'd be placing a curse on the rest of the year. But here we are, at the end of 2015, and I think now I can assign a Word to it - PERSEVERE.

Of all the words I can think of, that's the one that jumps out at me. It goes beyond "SURVIVE", which was all I could do those first few months. But it has a little more gravity than "SUCCEED" or "CELEBRATE," neither of which really capture the darker and more difficult things we've overcome this year. What I really need is a word that encapsulates the idea of "carrying on," of continuing to press forward and refusing to accept defeat even when hope is crushed. So PERSEVERE it is.

And for 2016? Right now I am thinking something along the lines of GROW, NURTURE, and/or EVOLVE. Something that captures the big changes that are going to be coming next year, and the idea of giving a fresh, strong, solid start to a new life - to our marriage, to this new little person we're adding to the world, and to my own life. I think there are probably a lot of applications to my work life, too - I have to take a 12-month break from my job, hope that things go smoothly in my absence, hope others don't use that time to sabotage what I've built here, and maybe even find a way to come back from it in a stronger, better, more valued position. Maternity leave is an opportunity, if I handle it right, to impress my bosses and staff and clients with how prepared I can be and how dedicated to the work I am - but has to be balanced with not making it *too* easy to absorb my absence, because it would be not-so-good if things ran so smoothly without me that it raised the question "What do we even need her for, anyway?"

I'm going to tackle those worries next week, though, and for now just think about getting through the rest of this year.

Now that Christmas and our wedding are checked off the to-do list, we've turned our attention to the next things needing attention: Kaitlin's name change (she changed it with social security and the DMV this week), getting her added to my medical insurance at work, getting her car and motorcycle sold and a more reliable (hopefully 4-door) car purchased, and getting nursery and other baby things squared away.

This week we found a gorgeous dresser and crib on Craigslist for only $100 - a third of what I was budgeting - and snapped it up. We are now the proud owners of this beautiful set of furniture:

We also picked up the jogging stroller/car seat combo we've been eyeing at Babies 'R Us:

And tomorrow we have an electrician coming to the house to run wiring and install a ceiling fan/light in both the nursery and the office, which is a project I have wanted to do for years. We've already started "photobashing" (digitally putting together a layout for the wall mural) and Kaitlin's doing the vectorizing to create the wall art; the "Small World" castle is pretty much done, and the "Europe" wall is next. This weekend I have to finish the photobashing(still have an "Islands" wall, an "Arctic" wall, and the "Asia/Africa/Americas" wall to plan out) in the hopes that Kaitlin will be able to vector it all during the week next week so we can start painting next weekend.

There are so many things we're going to need to get done, from remodeling the nursery closet to installing baby gates to planning the baby shower - not to mention that I really want to take some birthing classes, tour the hospital where baby will be born, and get maternity photos taken. It's a bit overwhelming, but at the same time I'm really looking forward to having so many exciting things to do.

Truthfully I'm a wee bit nervous, heading into New Year's, because of how horrible the New Year was for us last year. I know this baby and pregnancy are different - even if baby were to come early, at 26 weeks there'd still be a decent chance of survival. But I guess traumas get deep into our lizard brains sometimes and they're tough to shake. So taking a deep breath and trying to focus on all the stuff there is to look forward to, and not think too much about scary what-ifs.

It's going to be a good year. *fistpump*

TWENTY-FOUR WEEKS

On our 23-week milestone last week, there was no blog post, because we were in Las Vegas,  busy doing this:

We are officially, legally married! We just need our marriage certificate from vital records, which we had to wait ten days before we can send away for it. But, once we have it in hand, Kaitlin will begin the process of changing her last name, and I will begin the process of getting her added to my medical insurance.

In the meantime, some sadness got mixed in: Kaitlin's father passed away the day before we left for our Vegas trip. So while we had a lovely mini-vacation of seeing the sights and eating good food and generally taking a break from regular life, the moment we got back we were swept back up in a whirlwind of to-dos, including attending his memorial, doing some cleaning at his house, and so on. This weekend will be entirely consumed with Christmas preparations, since I don't even have our tree up yet or any presents wrapped. 

There was also a day of stressing where we realized the CD of our wedding photos was unreadable in any of our computers, and we had to email the chapel and ask them to upload the pictures someplace where we could get them. Thankfully the chapel owner took care of that for us the day after I emailed her, and we were able to spend a bit of time editing the pictures into a photobook and ordering big canvas prints for our wall (really looking forward to getting them.)

So on the list for this weekend includes putting up Christmas decorations, a bunch of Christmas-prep shopping and cleaning, and wrapping gifts. Kaitlin's going to have a pretty significant honey-do list for the work week, too, since she's off work for the schools' Christmas break. But, once Christmas is past, we'll get to refocus a little - taking care of her car/motorcycle sale and working on the nursery, mostly.

Baby seems to be doing just fine, still alternating between quiet times and wiggle times, and still sapping my energy at a much faster rate than I'm used to. Also, it's pretty much impossible now to have a full stomach AND baby AND enough room to take a full lungful of air, so I'm finding myself very short of breath after I eat. I still don't get to eat full meals, either - I get acid reflux once my stomach gets too full, so I'm having to eat until I'm *just* uncomfortable, wait a few hours, and then eat some more. Means I'm pretty much always hungry even when my tummy won't hold any more.

We'll try to take a 24-week belly shot tonight, but for now I'll just leave you with our 23-week "wedding special edition." <3

22WK3D - I am an auntie!

I didn't get to blog on our 22-week milestone on Friday because it was a bit of a whirlwind of a day. We had our big anatomy ultrasound appointment - baby is measuring about 1 lb 3 oz so far, with all body parts and organs accounted for and growing like they should, and a nice strong little heartbeat - we even got to see the little face. <3 I'm waiting for Kaitlin to scan our ultrasound pics in so I can share them, but in the meantime, here's the 22-week baby bump pic:

 

So far I've gained about 10 pounds. The bump still only shows when I wear certain clothes - most of my shirts and jackets are too loose to make it very noticeable. I definitely notice when I'm sitting or trying to lie down, though. Feels like all my insides are being squished and it's hard to breathe. I've had a really hard time sleeping this past week, even with my usual 1/4 to 1/2 of an Ambien pill. I think that's also due to all the stuff we have going on - everything from work, to our Vegas elopement this week <3 and all the preparations, to Kaitlin's sister who's staying with us and the whole situation with Kaitlin's dad, to money issues and saving for another car and still trying to find time to post her car and motorcycle for sale, to the upcoming Christmas plans (I still haven't got our tree up), to the plans for the nursery that we really really need to get a move on but can't until after we get back from Vegas and Kaitlin's sister's gone home... and add to all of that - I became an Auntie on Friday! After 32 hours of labor (YIKES) my sister in law gave birth to little Hannah, who is just so adorable I can't stand it.

My brother is apparently completely smitten - my mom hasn't even gotten to hold the baby yet. :P I haven't been able to meet her yet, and might not get to until Christmas since we're out of town this weekend. But I'm really looking forward to it, she is so tiny and precious. And I'm kindasorta envious that he and my sister-in-law are on the other side of labor and delivery now (the part I'm least looking forward to) and have their little one to cuddle. I want my little one to cuddle!! (But not now, baby, you hear that? You still have like four more months of cooking to do, so don't be getting in a hurry...)

Anyway, it's been absolute insanity the past few weeks so I'm just trying to take things one step at a time. First, finish up preparations for Vegas, and get Kaitlin's sister to her last visits with her dad and then safely to the airport. Then, get to the airport ourselves (at 4 AM) the next morning, make sure we get to all of our scheduled events (but most importantly, the licensing bureau and the chapel) over the weekend, then get home and focus on Christmas prep and, if we're lucky, maybe a little nursery prep. And in the meantime, stay enough on top of things at work that they're not keeping me up at night.

I did call and make an appointment for next week with my doctor to have my Ambien refilled. I think that will also be a big help, because the other stressful thing is the fear that I'm going to run out of medication and be completely sleepless until the next appointment, which is truly miserable.

Just hanging in there, I guess. Pretty amazed that our little bean seems to be plugging away perfectly fine amidst all of mama's fluttering about. And grateful for that, too. Just keep doing your thing, little one, and ignore me for right now. In a month or two we'll have a lot more of this stuff under control. By the time you get here, we'll be ready. <3

BabyCenter's 22 week image!

21WK3D - Long time no blog

Life is slowly settling down after a whirlwind of drama - car problems, money problems, family health problems, elopement planning, a dear friend passing away :( and issues at work that have been hitting one after the other. Unfortunately that means I've missed quite a few milestone posts! But, we did manage to take a 21-week belly pic on Thanksgiving:

We're past the halfway mark now! So here's a summary of some of the main goings-on:

In terms of pregnancy symptoms I'm still tired and fatigued, with minor backache and increasing need to pee. When I'm not super tired, though, my energy levels are pretty good. I'm still experiencing a higher tendency toward anxiety than usual, though now that life-things are settling a bit it's getting better. Baby is kicking a little harder now, and I feel wiggling about 3 - 4 times a day - usually on my morning and afternoon commutes, around lunchtime, and just before bed. Sometimes baby wakes me up with wiggling in the middle of the night, too.

I had a four day weekend for the Thanksgiving holiday - we went to my mom's house on Thanksgiving, and got to see my still-pregnant SIL (at 38 weeks, she's getting very close to her due date!) and parents.

Unfortunately, Kaitlin's dad's health is not doing so well at all, and we're expecting that he may pass away in the next couple weeks. Her sister, Beth, flew in from Idaho to spend some time with him, and she's staying at our house. She arrived on Friday, and will be leaving next Wednesday - which is the day before the day that Kaitlin and I leave for Vegas to get hitched. So this coming weekend's going to be busy, with packing, and hopefully decorating the house for Christmas, and also having a house guest.

Kaitlin's birthday is on Thursday. We celebrate her birthday in the summer, because her actual birthday so often gets lost in holidays and the cold of winter, but we're still going to make her favorite cherry-chip cupcakes and go out to dinner.

Next ultrasound is Friday, at 22 weeks. It's the big one, the full anatomy scan, and if I heard our doc correctly they're actually going to do it in 3-D. Depending on how it goes we may or may not decide to have another 3-D scan done in a month or so at the private ultrasound place. Looking forward to seeing little baby's growth - here's hoping everything's doing what it's supposed to be doing at this stage!

We have pretty much everything figured out for the elopement now - finally got confirmation for our reservation from the little chapel. Kaitlin's mom is driving to Vegas because she wants to be there, so she'll be a witness and we'll all go out for dinner afterward. Now it's just a matter of making a complete packing list so we don't forget any of the elements we're planning to wear! Kaitlin's also getting her hair and makeup done just beforehand, and I'm excited to see how it's going to turn out. The wedding will be Friday the 11th, so our "new" anniversary date is moving from 12/31 to 12/11. Shouldn't be too hard to remember. :P Oh, and we picked out our 4-year anniversary gifts for each other (year 4 is aquamarine) and got them ordered on a great Black Friday deal, so that's something fun to look forward to.

I have most Christmas presents purchased, just a few more things that I need to square away (and then wait for loads of packages to arrive so I can wrap them.) Christmas will be next on the to-do list once we get back from Vegas.

And of course, somewhere in there we have to make some progress on the nursery. I ordered a ceiling fan/light but have to do a craigslist post to find an electrician to install the power box in the ceiling. We have the general layout of the mural decided, and Kaitlin's started on the digital artwork, but there's still a lot to do before it will be ready to project on the wall, outline, and paint. And I'm currently stalking Craigslist for the perfect nursery furniture set. But for now, Kaitlin's sister is staying on the spare bed in the nursery, so we won't really be doing much physical work until after we get back from Vegas.

As far as work goes, things blew up, then simmered, then blew up, then simmered again. Right now we're in a simmering phase, and in fact I am more caught up than I have been in months, so that's something to be grateful for. I just have to stay on my toes, and keep my staff on their toes, going into the new year. Oh, and start making real plans for maternity leave coverage, which is a whole other monster. I still need to sit down with HR and go over the options, get the FMLA packet, and so on.

So right now, just taking everything one day at a time until we get through the chaos. Thankfully baby's been charging through it all like a champ - no bleeding or spotting or cramping or anything scary, and plenty of reassuring wiggles. As long as we have that, we can get through all the rest. :)

NINETEEN WEEKS

Well, the last couple weeks have been so chaotic I actually missed posting on our 18-week milestone. But we did manage to take an 18-week belly picture: 

In a nutshell, there has been chaos at work, in which not only are annual performance evaluations due for all of my staff (which are lengthy, difficult writing projects requiring a lot of time and attention) but I also made a mistake that ended up getting me in some disciplinary hot water and I was worried for a time for the safety of my job. There has also been chaos at home, in which Kaitlin's car has broken down and will require $2000+ to fix, which is money she just doesn't have; so we had to borrow a car temporarily from my family while we figured out options to fix or sell. Sounds like we're going to sell it, and borrow a car from a friend for a few months while we save very hard in order to buy her another one. Of course it had to happen just before winter, when she cannot take her motorcycle to work safely, and she's facing a gap in pay during schools' Christmas breaks. 

On top of all that, I caught a cold. Not a major one, the primary lingering symptom is congestion, but I was still feeling pretty low and tired and overwhelmed for a while.

I've been really, really stressed as a result, and eating regular meals ends up falling by the wayside when I'm stressed, so of course there was additional worry that I was harming baby in addition to everything else. But, as of last night baby is still wiggling like crazy. And my appetite is slowly returning. I indulged last month in a lot - and I mean a LOT - of eating out. Way more than I should have, mostly because it was so hard to think of anything that was appetizing to eat, and especially at work - by the time I would prepare food I was grossed out by it and didn't want to eat it, whereas if I went someplace and had food plopped in front of me I could usually eat at least half of it. Anyway, the amount I ended up spending on eating out was pretty shameful, so I'm glad that this month I'm able to eat more regular groceries. 

I still haven't gained much weight, and for coming up on halfway through the pregnancy, I'm not really showing much either. Going to enjoy it while I can, since it sounds like the second half of pregnancy is when the bump really starts getting impressive. :P

Sleeping has been a challenge too, though I think it's more stress- related than anything else. There are some pregnancy-related difficulties; lying on my back is less comfortable and my hips get sore after too much side-sleeping. And, of course, most nights I have to get up at least once to pee. 

Anyway, all of that aside, I'm really really grateful that at least with everything else that's not going right the baby and pregnancy seem to be doing pretty much fine. We'll have our next appointment on December 4th, around the 22-week mark, for the "big" anatomy scan.

In the meantime, the 19 week BabyCenter pic:

SEVENTEEN WEEKS

Zipping by the blog to make a weekly update, at least, because this has been the week from hell at work and I've had barely any time to even think about being pregnant. So grateful that the work week is over in a few hours. I'm going to go home and sleep for a million years!

My part of the SCA sewing project is finally finished, so this will be the first weekend that I get to take a bit of a breather... although, I will likely be taking my work computer home to get some work done, because in all the madness I'm behind in my staff's performance reviews and I have to get at least one more completed before the start of next week. SIGH. 

Still, I am not waking up tomorrow until my body says it's had enough sleep. If that's four in the afternoon so be it. I am exhausted.

This week I've mostly had baby flutterings on occasion, and sporadic nausea. I've taken one Diclegis at night and one in the morning, and it seems to control the nausea a little better and also keeps me from being quite so drugged in the mornings when I get up. Also - TMI - has anyone else noticed that pregnancy makes you more stinky? Kaitlin thinks it's hilarious. I'd probably have more patience with it if this week at work hadn't been so dreadful, but as it is I've really just been irritated by it. I feel like I need to shower 20 times a day just to smell not-terrible. X.x Of course, the stress probably isn't helping, either.

Well, here's hoping that next week things are better. And the requisite BabyCenter 17 week pic. Cuter by the day!

SIXTEEN WEEKS

We have an AVOCADOBABY today. <3 Will do an updated bump pic later tonight when I get home from work.

So to sum up this week of pregnancy: chips and salsa, haven't gotten to eat very much, lots of tummy fluttering (feels like a little goldfish swimming around and bumping into stuff), lots of unflattering gas, and a lot of moodiness and crankiness. Also, it is Friday and I am super tired, so I will be very glad to get to sleep in tomorrow. Morning sickness is almost completely controlled by the meds now, except for late at night when I still can end up feeling pukey. Oh, and still having the occasional round of uber-stinky-smells. Last night Kaitlin ate a chicken sandwich in the car and it smelled just awful. :/

Work is still running at high levels of demand and stress, and will be for the next two weeks. I have to finish another staff performance review today, then two more after that... then hopefully things will begin to slow down a little bit. Naturally, our work computer system decided to go down this morning. I sure hope it comes back up so I can actually get things done like I need to...

For right now I think I'll just focus on the next thing I need to do, and then the next, because I'm pretty much too tired to do anything else. Bring on the weekend and my sweet, sweet pillow! <3

Here's BabyCenter's 16 week baby pic. A real human-looking face now, even if the head is still a wee bit alienesque :P

15WK6D - Sixteen Week Checkup

Another crazy work week - really can't wait until performance review time is over, this month is insane. Anyway, on the baby-making front here's the latest news:

I made contact this week with a new OBGYN office that is covered under my work's new insurance plan. Got signed up for my first appointment with them, on 11/4.

Had my 16-week (and final) appointment with my current OBGYN this morning. They gave me copies of all my medical records to take with me to the new doctor's office. The new doctor is actually in the same building as my current doctor, just a few suites down the hall, on the same floor - so at least it's really nice that the location will pretty much be the same even if it's new and different people. Today we didn't have an ultrasound, I just answered a bunch of questions about how I'm feeling and we listened to baby's heartbeat on the doppler - doctor says baby's heart sounds good. Baby also kicked the doppler a bunch of times, which was pretty funny. They drew blood for the spina bifida test, too. I've gained 7 pounds so far, which the doctor says is pretty good.

Other than the fact that I'm getting really tired of chips and salsa - which is about the only thing baby will let me eat easily - I'm feeling okay. The Diclegis still makes waking up in the morning really hard, but it's better than feeling sick all day. I still run out of energy a lot faster than I used to, but I have more good days now where I can at least do the dishes or other small chores before I'm out of steam.

In other news, I am sad that the wonderful warmth of summer really seems to be gone for the forseeable future. It's done nothing but rain and be cold and dreary for the last two days. I am grateful that it's still just rain and not snow - dreading the snow. But it seems we've settled back into my least favorite part of the year, where it's dark when I have to get out of bed, and cold in the house most of the time, and we have to put electric blankets on and I have to wear a coat to work in the morning and my hands and feet are pretty much in a perpetual state of freezing. This is usually the time of year when I tuck away and hibernate, waiting for the warmth to come back. I guess I'm grateful, though, that I'll be pregnant through most of it. Gives me something to look forward to, and I love the fact that our first few months with baby will be during the wonderful warm months of spring and summer when we can take baby out and about and enjoy the world. <3

This weekend will (hopefully) be the last weekend of working on the SCA sewing project. I have huge skirts to pattern, cut, assemble, and attach to the gown bodice, and a heavily boned front plastron to make. Then the gown gets passed to the lovely ladies doing the hems and eyelets, and the following weekend (Halloween!) we can start work on the nursery in earnest. Step one is to clear out all the stuff that's currently being stored in the room - there's a full-size bed we need to give away, and a ton of Kaitlin's art stuff that will have to get moved to the basement. Step two is to hire an electrician to come wire up an overhead box so we can install a ceiling fan/light fixture (and while they're at it we'll have them do the same in the adjacent room, our office).

Then we can start painting. That's the part I'm most looking forward to. The idea is to do scenes from Disney's "It's a Small World" ride, all around the room - there will be a "Europe" wall, and some short "North America" walls, and then a Polynesia / Asia / Africa wall, and then a shorter Central/South America wall. With the big clock-tower-castle on the wall above the crib, in a purple / teal / pink / blue / some golds & whites color scheme.

Once we find the right nursery furniture on Craigslist we'll be able to furnish it, too. I'll have some small sewing projects, like curtains and little around-the-world plushies for a mobile and possibly a hot-air-balloon light fixture, maybe. Also thinking about running some Christmas lights along the ceiling over the crib, and stapling some filmy fabric over them to create a sparkly nightlight/sky/stars effect... we'll see. Kaitlin wants to make a 3D version of the clock face that actually rocks back and forth like the one on the real Disney castle - another thing that would be fun, though we'll see how far we get with it, LOL.

Anyway, super excited as we haven't done a home-improvement room-remodel in a long time. Here's hoping baby will love their room as much as we do :)

FIFTEEN WEEKS

Fifteen weeks and counting! We now have an ORANGEBABY. >D Kind of hard to believe, because while I have a bump my brain is telling me it couldn't possibly be *that* big just yet. 

I forgot to take my Diclegis for the first time last night, so I guess today is the test to see if morning sickness is gone. I feel a little bit sick to my stomach this morning, but nothing like the serious nausea of the first trimester, so I'm hoping it won't be showing up today. 

So over the course of the last week I've experienced a four-day-long headache (fun!), a reduced appetite (the only things that sounded good were iced tea and chips and salsa), a lot of random belly twinging and stretching, an uncomfortable amount of gas, and an increasing need to pee frequently. My energy level is much improved, though I still wear out early and sometimes have a little tummy upset in the evenings. And my sense of smell is still on overdrive, so I'm sure Kaitlin's tired of me cranking at her about the smell of the trash, the cat boxes, the dishes in the sink, and so on. I now realize what a blessing it is to have a normally-insensitive nose. This being able to smell everything is not as fun as it sounds. :P

Last night we went to see "Pan" at the Movie Tavern. Very pretty, imaginative movie, and I enjoyed it a lot, though I don't know that any Peter Pan movie is ever going to be able to match the magic that was Robin Williams in "Hook." :P

At work, I've almost completed one performance review, have three more to go. I also had to meet with my boss' boss this morning to give him feedback on my boss for her review. My boss will be meeting with all of my staff to do the same. I really feel like this year has been my best so far, so I'm hoping my staff & boss feel the same. Especially since asking everybody to accommodate me for three months of maternity leave next year is a big deal...  

I also have one staff member out sick all week, so I'm covering her phone calls, and this was the first week of implementation of the new digital file system, and half my staff have been in training or out on vacation at least two days this week, and in general it's just been a long, busy, tiring week. 

Today I really need to find a moment to make contact with a new OBGYN. Next week I have to enroll in a new insurance plan at work (since I'll be adding a spouse and a child next year, I have to switch to the plan that's free, because I can't afford the full-family premium on my current plan.) Unfortunately my current OB isn't in the network for the new plan. I'm supposed to have a 16 week appointment next week, but I kind of would prefer to get started with the new doc ASAP so that the first time I meet him/her isn't when I've already gone into labor. :P

Overall - and I feel like I've been saying this a lot lately - I mostly just want a nap. Looking forward to tomorrow when I can sleep in some <3

Here's the BabyCenter pic for 15 weeks!

14WK4D - Belly Pic and Ultrasound Updates

So first off, here's our 14 week belly pic. LOOKIT GUYS, I REALLY HAVE A BUMP NOW!

I can still mostly keep the bump covered under baggy clothes at work - but dang. Huge difference between 12 and 14 weeks!

So we went on Saturday to have a gender ultrasound done, and it confirmed that yup! The Harmony test results are right on target. ^^ We also got to see baby wiggling around some more and showing off. We got a good long video and ultrasound pics, but I'm not allowed to share 'em yet - sigh.

So let's see. This week the morning sickness continues to wane, though I do have occasional waves of the sickies in the evening before bed. I'm still taking the Diclegis - I have about three days' worth left. I think when I run out I'll try going a day without it, and if it comes back I'll get a refill. One really unpleasant new symptom, though, is a chronic headache that I've had for about four days now. I've been fighting it with Tylenol - the first Tylenol I've taken since we got our BFP - but only this afternoon has it really mellowed out. Not sure what that was all about but seriously not fun. :/

Baby is also a picky eater, still really only wants me to drink iced tea, and has a penchant for tortilla chips and salsa. I've also felt a lot more heaviness/stretching/twinging in there this week, which I am guessing means our little peachbaby is having a growth spurt. :P

In other news, work continues to be insanely busy, so much so that I barely have time to think during the day and I come home really tired - I feel like going to bed a lot earlier these days. And my pretty sparkly butterfly earrings from AliExpress arrived, so I'm adding them to the stash of stuff-to-wear-on-our-elopement in December. Good thing I bought a maternity wedding dress, I'm thinking this bump will be impressive by then! Sewing project is on track, I still have three solid weekends of work to do, but so far so good. And other than that, the thing eating up my brain lately is nursery prep. Really really want to get started but have to get the sewing stuff wrapped up first! I also have a few sewing projects in mind for our little munchkin, now that we know gender, and I'm plotting a supercute coming home outfit for baby to come home from the hospital in. I might have to make both a newborn-size version and a 0-3 months size version, just to be sure I have at least one that fits! Apparently some babies are too big for newborn sizes right out of the gate. Kind of hoping this one will be little enough, at least for a couple weeks, 'cause I've already started a bit of a stash of newborn-size clothes. *shiftyeyes*

Also made a long checklist (after surfing the internet for recommended checklists) of stuff we need to acquire before baby gets here. Stroller, car seat, nursery furniture, breast pump, cloth diaper stash, etc. etc.  Hoping to get 95% of the items used, with the possible exception of the car seat, because after wandering through Babies R Us and having some eyepopping moments at how expensive these little things (that last what, three or four years, most of them? At most??) are, it just makes a lot more sense to go green and reuse things that somebody else no longer needs.

So that's about it for now... off to eat dinner. Hoping baby likes Hamburger Helper. :P

FOURTEEN WEEKS

Well, if we weren't in the second trimester last week we definitely are now. :P My morning sickness was well behaved yesterday - didn't show up until almost 9 PM! Unfortunately today it returned at around noon (boo) but I'm hoping that means it's really going to back off soon.

Turns out, we got the call from the OBGYN yesterday afternoon with the Harmony test results - super happy to hear that all baby's chromosomes came back completely normal. No signs of trisomies of any sort, which is excellent. We also got to find out baby's gender, which I'm not allowed to share for a while. :P

It's interesting, how finally knowing the gender has had a much more profound impact than I had imagined. Because this is our only child, I knew that there would be a sense of loss no matter which gender our kiddo turns out to be - because I will only ever be the mom of a __________, and will never be the mom of the opposite gender. So having the field narrowed down to one automatically means that everything I would have looked forward to about the other gender is no longer really on the table. One of the names we chose is no longer relevant. One section of the toy aisle is probably a lot less likely to be as popular with our little one, same with one section of the kids' clothing aisles. (Though you can bet that we're going to encourage kiddo to play with and wear what appeals to them, boy/girl labels be damned.)

There's a long list of things that are awesome and somewhat unique to parenting a child of each gender, and one half of that list gets crossed off (mostly) once the gender's known. No matter what a lot of politically-correct folks out there like to say about nature vs. nurture, I worked in a daycare center for seven years and can tell you there is a distinct difference (generally) in the way little boys and little girls play, interact, and respond. There is also a distinct and noticeable difference (most of the time) in parents of all-one-gender children. Moms and dads of all girls have a unique presence, a different sort of aura to them. And the same can be said of moms and dads of all boys. In my experience, parents of all boys tend to be louder, more direct, more physical. Parents of all girls tend to be gentler, more subtle, and place higher emphasis on aesthetics. We plan on incorporating a healthy dose of all of the above with our kiddo regardless of gender - but I can't help wondering if/how kiddo's going to end up changing and affecting both of us.

What I hadn't anticipated, I guess, was how finding out my child's gender would suddenly impact my perspective on who I was myself, and who I am going to become. I'm going to be the mom of a _________. Forever and ever, for the rest of my life (unless, of course, I'm lucky enough to have a kiddo who is unlucky enough to receive the wrong body at birth. While that's not something I would wish on anybody, especially not my child, I'm totally ready to roll with it if that's what the universe has in store!)

In spite of my sleeping meds I got stuck in a rut of insomnia last night, because my brain wouldn't rest, thinking about it. It's not that I'm not super excited to be having a _________ - I AM!!! I can't wait, and I'm already in love with this little one. I just know this is the kiddo I was always meant to have (I actually suspected, since I was a teenager, that this is the gender kiddo I'd end up with) and I know we're going to have an amazing relationship. There are one heck of a lot of things I'm really looking forward to about being the mom of a ________, that I would have missed out on if kiddo was the other gender. 

But I guess my brain still needs a few days to really process that this is the direction my life, Kaitlin's life, and our little one's life is going to go. It's really nice, after years of uncertainty, to finally see the picture of the future getting a little clearer. But zeroing in on that future does mean closing the doors on other possible futures at the same time, if that makes sense. 

So yeah.

The other thing that I think both Kaitlin and I are experiencing is a sense of HOLY CRAP THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. Our baby now has a name. (In fact, we just settled on the middle name today.) I can now go shopping for non-unisex baby clothes - my AliExpress wish list is already overflowing with adorableness. We can now picture our kiddo a little more clearly when we think about traveling, and sending them off to school, and taking family photos, and going to the museum and aquarium and theme parks and family holidays. And even though we'd be doing all those things with our kiddo regardless of gender, we now know we'll be doing them with a _______. And it somehow makes the whole thing a hundred times more REAL. 

Anyway, I'll talk more about baby naming in general in another post, because that topic is worth an entire blog all on its own. We have our for-fun ultrasound tomorrow, and we don't plan on telling the ultrasound tech that we already know gender - we want to see what they see on the screen first. ;) We'll take a belly pic when I get home tonight, too, so I'll have that up in a day or two.

In the meantime, here's the BabyCenter imagining of kiddo at 14 weeks: