I Would Die For That

Someone posted this song on the NorthWest Andrology forums and I basically had to close my office door and take a moment to bawl my eyes out. This is basically my heart song at the moment.

So not a whole lot of exciting updates right now. We were supposed to go hiking for my birthday, but after driving the three hours into the mountains it turned out that the trail was flooded due to all the rain and they wouldn't let us up. So we kept going into Glenwood Springs instead, and went to the Glenwood Cavern Adventure Park. It cost a lot more than what I was planning to spend on my birthday, but we did have a good time - took a cave tour, and rode a couple of the rides, and generally just acted goofy.

Since the hiking trail we planned for today was closed, we're on a team headed for Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park instead. Kaitlin is very excited.

A photo posted by Meg (@meghannmccall) on Jun 14, 2015 at 11:12am PDT

Also confirmed that we start Lupron on the 21st, which is this coming Sunday. Pride is this weekend, and I'll be there at a booth with my books and some of the other authors from my publishing house. It should be a good time, even if I do have to start getting shots again. I got my updated social security card, and went to the DMV last week, but haven't gotten my new driver's license in the mail yet - once that comes in I can actually start changing my name on everything, especially at work. Since work is where I spend the vast majority of my life, I think it will feel a lot more like a "real" change once I'm able to use my name there...

Anyway, we're doing okay in terms of savings for our third round. Trying to think positive... the odds are that it should really, really work this time. But it's also hard to think about what we'll do next if it doesn't. Since thinking about getting pregnant is way more fun, I'm trying to focus on dreaming about that instead. But dreaming is dangerous. *Sigh* Still, I only have two choices: spend the next few weeks anxious, or spend them excited. Neither one will have any effect on the outcome, most likely, but they'll have a big effect on our quality of life.

So, excited it is. :P

I have a baby shower to attend for a friend next weekend. I'm halfway SUPER excited, and halfway nervous. On the one hand, I get to hold a tiny baby (SQUEE) and see my friends and congratulate them. On the other (insert major selfishness) they have a baby and I don't, and I am jealous. I have a big mouth, and it's going to be really hard to not blurt out to everybody that we're trying to have a baby too and it's been so hard and expensive and taken so much time and wah, wah, wah, me, me, me when it's THEIR party for their new little family. So I'm doing my best to focus on being happy for THEM (because I am!) without making it about myself.

So yeah... that's where we're at right now. Lupron, then the start of my next AF, then another $500 ultrasound / bloodwork, then weeks more of Lupron while we wait for Embio to tell us when we should plan to be there and when the transfer date will be... waiting and waiting and more waiting...

IVF Barbie, Not Giving Up And Other Fun

Found this post today that made me laugh: IVF Barbie

I definitely remember being Newbie Barbie, and Joiner Barbie too. And I am reminded, as I stare down my 36th birthday this month, my pregnant friends and family, friends with newborns, and pictures of babies all over my facebook feed, that technically I haven't actually reached full on Veteran Barbie status yet. I've gained weight from all the meds - about 15 pounds - and I do have some gray hair (which I keep colored.) My poor tummy has had its moments of bruises and puncture marks so bad that it looks diseased. But in the grand scheme of things, I've got time. So many folks on various boards are 38, 40, 42 and are still trying. Even if I decided to try up until my 40th birthday I'd still have four more years of attempts left. So far I've done 4 ICIs, 3 Clomid IUIs, 3 injectable IUIs, transferred five donor embryos, made two trips to Greece, and endured one six week miscarriage. That's actually only twelve cycles, total, even if they were spread out over the course of five years. Pretty sure there are an awful lot of veteran ladies who would shake their heads at all my angst and think "Girl, you ain't seen nothing yet."

And though I eye my bank account, our budgets, and the HELOC slapped against my house, the truth is that four years is a good long time. I could pay the entire HELOC off almost twice over in that time. So if a July attempt doesn't work and we have to take a 7-8 month break, is it really that big of a deal?

The same blogger has another post that really hit home: When Is It Time To Stop Trying?

I will admit, I've had moments of "Why am I even doing this? Maybe all this failure is a sign from the universe that I am not meant to be a mom. Should I be investing this energy into acceptance of a childfree life?"

And then I feel guilty. If I'm considering giving up, then I must not want it badly enough. Quitters are just people who aren't adequately motivated, aren't they? It's hard not to believe, in my weakest and most discouraged moments, that there really is some entity outside myself - the universe, fate, God - that is actively denying me a baby. The really ironic thing is that no one's actually SAID that to me, but I have this overwhelming suspicion that if the rest of the world knew everything we'd done up to this point to try and get pregnant, they'd all be thinking it... "Sheesh, obviously you're not meant to be a mom, get over it." I am projecting my own mean little inner voice onto my friends and family, the assumption that they would all dismiss my repeated failures as God's plan for my life.

And I know that this comes from my childhood, the way that I was raised in an ultra-religious bubble and taught to be judgy and condescending and superior when others were going through crises. Must be God's plan for your life, dear, be content with it...

It's those naysaying thoughts... the idea that a higher power wants to prevent me from being a mom, combined with the guilt that entertaining that thought means I don't want this badly enough, that are probably the most powerful depressants in this whole infertility war. And they battle it out with the  surviving vestiges of my NewbieBarbie self, who is still stubbornly popping up in the corner (albeit her glitter makeup is starting to look a little worse for wear) and cheerily shouting "Baby dust! Power of positive thinking! If I can do it so can you! Success stories! Pregnancy magic! Still plenty of time and money, where there's a will there's a way! Winners never quit!"

I wish there was a way I could live as NewbieBarbie. Literally choose not to acknowledge failure, to keep my eye on the prize with confidence every second of the day, spread nothing but encouragement and positivity, and live my life in between cycles with joy and carefreeness and the certainty that my baby's coming eventually. There are a few people in this world who are able to live that way. My inner judgy self usually decides they're ditzes. So unconnected with reality, maddeningly lost in fantasy, irresponsible, taking each day as it comes and never concerning themselves with how it will affect tomorrow. Romantical and ridiculous. Today I envy them. Today I think there's something I could probably learn from that kind of attitude.

In other news, my new name is now on file with the DMV. Waiting to get my social security and DMV cards in the mail, and then I can change my name here at work and on all my other stuff...

Oh, and I still haven't heard back from the Greek clinic to confirm when I'm supposed to start Lupron injections. Finally just went ahead and emailed the doctor today. Hopefully that will get me an answer...

My Favorite Month of the Year

Ever since I was a kid, June has always been my favorite month of the year. Probably because it's the month of my birthday... but also because it's the start of summer, my favorite season; it always meant the end of school; the weather is finally warm and sunny again; and for me it always feels like a new beginning. A New Year's, of sorts, even if it's six months later than everybody else celebrates it.

So I guess it's apropos that AF started yesterday, on June 1st, and my Lupron shipment arrived at the same time. That means we should be starting Lupron around the 21st or so of this month, and CD1 of our next cycle attempt will be around the 24th.

My birthday is next week. I love birthdays, though neither of us has money for much of anything this year. I think we'll go out to dinner, maybe go see a movie. Usually I like to do something kind of big on my birthday, a staycation or some activity I've always wanted to try, but I would gladly trade that for a successful cycle in July. I'm not going to take the day off work. Kind of a shame,  because my birthday's a Friday this year and it will be seven years before it's on Friday again, but I'm conserving vacation days for our next upcoming attempt and, with any luck, maternity leave.

I could sit around and feel sorry for myself, but I'd rather look at it as a trade... that my birthday present this year will be a sticky BFP in August. That's all I really want, anyway. Nothing, no other gift could compare, and I would trade every other present I ever have or will receive if I could just have that.

Still, I'm doing my best not to think too much about it this time. The roller coaster of longing, fear, anxiety and doubt is too exhausting. I end up worrying myself into a little knot of unfulfilled hope, where every breath I take is accompanied by a will-it-work-this-time thought, and I'm sure it's not doing anything but possibly making my body less hospitable for implantation. It certainly isn't *helping.*  I'm really not looking forward to resuming medication - the hot flashes on Lupron, the uncontrollable mood swings and congestion of estrogen, the constant peeing and meaningless pregnancy-symptoms of progesterone. Not really excited about the jet lag and the looooooong flight either.

But, I am excited by the idea of being in Athens in July. It will be hot, which maybe means a hotel with a pool, maybe even a trip to the beach. I haven't been to a beach in five years. But I am sitting on my butt with my legs up for TWO WHOLE DAYS after the transfer, this time. Period. There's so little that I can do to actually help make this work, and that's a simple one.

In the meantime, trying to distract myself. I'm selling what I can on Ebay, and helping Kaitlin do the same. She sold her living room set, the one that's been living in our garage for three years, so she can finally park her car in the garage again and she was able to put a little extra into savings so that she can come to Greece this time. I'm spending way more time than I should window-shopping online for cute, feminine, pink-and-lacy clothes (I wonder if all this estrogen I've been pumping myself with for the last eighteen months has fired up my girly-girl side?). I'm sewing cute little doll clothes, even put a set on Etsy to see if anybody would like it. I'm watching 24 with Kaitlin, and a new Korean drama series by myself. I'm putting together cute summery outfits to wear to work, and playing with my dog. I'm trying to keep the house clean, and planning spring-cleaning type projects. We even trimmed back our big lilac trees in the backyard over the weekend, and now there is a pile of branches hanging out back there that we'll have to spend this coming weekend breaking down into sacks for the trash people.

Just staying busy, trying not to think too much, and trying to pick positive thoughts when the thinking is inevitable. Trying to keep myself from feeling like this is our "last chance". Trying to remind myself that this won't be over until I say it is.

And trying to stay focused on how wonderful it is that it's finally June.

I'll Have A New Name Tomorrow

Barring any unexpected court objections, by tomorrow afternoon I will legally have a new name. That means today is my last day of living with my ex's last name. Kind of sad that I've now had her last name for longer than the period of time we were even married...

I always disliked the last name I was born with, and was so excited to change my name when I married my ex. One of the things that felt the most jarring about the dissolution of our relationship was that now not only did it feel like the life I had planned for myself was gone, but I didn't even really feel at home in my own name anymore. And I've continued to live with that name for the last three and a half years, partly because changing one's name is a pain in the ass, and partly because I didn't have any idea what I would choose for a name instead, as I really didn't want to go back to my birth name.

At the same time, I really don't want to take anybody else's name for my own ever again. While I am confident that Kaitlin and I are going to have a lasting marriage, the name change process is long and annoying, and I've learned that there's something about taking someone else's name that sort of ties your identity to another person, and I didn't really like that. Also, Kaitlin's last name starts with a "P", and my birth last name started with a "P", and one of the reasons I was so excited to replace my birth name was because I grew up as "Meghann P" (there were five other Megan's in my elementary school) and as you can imagine, the kids weren't always so nice about that and I hated the way it sounded.

So what Kaitlin and I decided is that my birth middle name (which was my Irish/Scottish great-grandmother's  maiden name) will be my last name, and after we get married she'll be taking that name for her last name too. And I decided to use the name we've picked out for a daughter as my middle name (in case we never have a daughter, I still just love the name so much and want to be able to use it somewhere.)

As of tomorrow, then, I will have a very very VERY Irish name. And can begin the process of changing all my work and legal and financial stuff over.

The last time I changed my name it was a complete thrill. I was so, so excited. This time it feels more somber, somehow. Less giddy, but also like a burden's being lifted. I also sold my engagement ring, the one I had with my ex, on Ebay this week. Mailed it off yesterday. My old wedding band is up on Ebay too, and the money I get from both is going into our TTC account for July's attempt.  And just a couple weeks ago, I gave my old wedding dress to Goodwill. So it feels a little bit like this name change is wrapping up the last vestiges of my old life. I really am moving on into a fresh beginning - I guess it adds a little bit of irrational hope that maybe if I close the door on all that it will encourage fate to give me a baby, to open a new door? I realize that's silly, but I guess it's my inner self trying to bargain with the universe, in a way.

I had originally planned to get pregnant, then do the name change, then Kaitlin and I would elope, and when baby arrived he/she would be born into our new family name. When I got pregnant in December I started the name change process. Though our baby didn't make it, it seemed like a waste not to follow through with the name change, since the process costs money up front for the background checks. So it's with mixed emotions that I go off to my hearing tomorrow. On the one hand, I'm really happy to be moving on with at least one part of my life. On the other, the plan was always that by the time I got to my name change hearing I'd be pregnant, but there won't be any baby with me tomorrow.

Had a dream last night that we were awakened by a baby crying down the hall, and Kaitlin got up and went down there to check in on the room that we plan for the nursery... and I had this huge sense of happiness that oh my gosh, we are parents after all. I think a part of me knew it was a dream, but I really didn't want to wake up.

Here's hoping that the third try will be a charm, and July's attempt will finally FINALLY be our month.

A Little Positive Thinking

Since this blog is often majorly an outlet for all my negativity and disappointment, it seems only fair to make sure there are also entries on days when I'm feeling pretty positive about this whole thing.

Yes, it's been a long journey and we haven't arrived yet. But there's a part of me that's also really proud to have fought so hard and long for this without giving up. That's really grateful to have the resources to keep fighting. And today, looking back on all of this, I have the most bizarre emotion - enjoyment. Yeah. As if this whole thing, from today's perspective, has really been kind of fun. It's definitely challenging, and complex, and the most expensive gamble I've ever taken. But I feel like I really have made the wisest choices I could have possibly made with the options and resources available to me. I feel like I've given us the best chance of success all along.

And I feel optimistic that we aren't going to have to wave a white flag anytime soon. We try again in July. If that one doesn't work either, we can choose to try a fourth time - will probably be around December to get the savings together - or we can choose the adoption route.

You know what is the primary driver of this sudden bout of optimism? Digging into our finances with xcel spreadsheets. We've decided that I'm going to take over the management of Kaitlin's money, mostly because she hates managing money and misses opportunities to do it well. So I'm taking it over, and realizing I can probably have her nearly out of debt in 5 years. She's on an IBR for her student loans, and as a teacher, we can get the vast majority of the balance forgiven after 10 years, with just a little consistent paperwork. And what's more, I'm pretty sure I can help her save up enough to come to Greece with me for round #3. Just having her there will reduce the stress in a major way. She can pull luggage, give me the injections, and be someone to talk to and relax with.

The Greek clinic has a sperm donor in stock, and if we use his sample we don't have to pay extra for another sample. That makes the 4500 Euro / $5000 treatment fee the only real fee we have to worry about. The donor is 6ft tall, brown hair, blue/gray eyes, healthy and has prior pregnancies... and at this point we're not really caring much about either donor, aside from their probability of success.

Otherwise, we each need money for a plane ticket, the hotel room (breakfasts are included), enough money for lunches, dinners, and taxis to the clinic (about $6 each way, at the hotel I stayed at last time) and enough to cover some "replacement" progesterone, estrogen and heparin - about 2 weeks worth since that's all I used this round.

Today, I am feeling relatively confident that persistence is going to win out. That we're going to get our baby if we keep trying. And I am so very, very grateful, as I look at our income and bills, that there is a way for us to keep doing this. Yes, it's tight. Yes, it means giving up a lot of our wants, waiting on things we'd really like to have - home improvements, vacations, going to the movies, eating out, our Vegas elopement... but it's POSSIBLE. At least it's actually possible.

So. Let's get through the next weeks working hard, saving carefully, and being grateful for things like
sleeping in and housecleaning time on the weekends and the ability to be spontaneous while we still can... And keep our eye on the prize in July.

Deep breath

So it's been almost a week since the BFN. I am sane again. About 24 hours after stopping the meds, I felt like a whole different person - still disappointed and sad, but calm and rational. It is incredible what a difference a few chemicals can make to the way your brain (and even heart) is able to process situations. PS, this is why there shouldn't be stigma about using meds for depression, anxiety, etc. I am telling you, the right balance of chemicals can literally mean the difference between being yourself and being something you don't even recognize.

Anyway. Less than 48 hours after stopping the meds, AF showed up again. I think my body's been *longing* for a good AF for weeks now, and it actually feels like something of a relief. The Greek clinic sent me a prescription for Lupron, and I just ordered 3 more vials. They're charging 4500 for a third round - about $5K. The plane tickets will be twice as much, since I used up all my airline miles, but basically I'll be doing meds, procedure, plane, hotel, and only as much money as I need to eat while I'm there, and that's it. Kaitlin's hoping to save up enough to come with me this time too, and that would be a huge stress relief.

So right now I'm feeling kind of meh about the whole thing. Not that I don't want it anymore, but I think there's only so much disappointment my heart can handle before it starts distancing itself for a little while. I need something else to let my heart be happy about, something "safer."

Yesterday was awful at work, but I'm grateful because today seems to have actually solved most of the problems that yesterday looked unsolvable. I'm feeling pretty good about myself and my competency and whatnot today, and that's a nice place to be. And, over the weekend I made some really, really cute little doll clothes, so the plan is to make some complete outfits and see if I can't get some cash through Etsy or something to help supplement this next round.

Onward and forward, I guess...

BFN

Results are in.

At least I can stop the meds now, and maybe that will help me get my emotions back under control, because right now I feel like a complete mess. Emailed the the Greek clinic. Asked how soon they would recommend we try again, asked how much a third attempt would cost, and asked for another Lupron prescription.

Starting over. Again. Alone in a hell of infertility that only Kaitlin knows about, while everyone else around me goes on merrily with their happy, fertile, normal, baby-rich lives.

This is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be freaking Wonder Woman by now.

But first I'm going home to have wine. Hoping AF shows up soon, because in spite of the crazy progesterone I am feeling cramps, like my body is desperate for one... I am, after all, only like three weeks overdue. At this point it almost seems like it would feel like a relief.