IVF#3 CD16 - Almost Ready To Leave

As I told Kaitlin this morning, just two more sleeps until we're on our way to pick up our baby. :P

Over the weekend we did some household chore type things - cleaned catboxes, did laundry, and spent an entire day cleaning half the kitchen. Also made a packing list, and packed everything that it's possible to pack early.

Today, I had to set up the USForEx funds transfer (done first thing in the morning), email my doctor's office for continued medication instructions (also done first thing), then go to the bank on my lunch break and wire the funds to USForEx (done) and go to the store for cat litter and toothpaste (also done.) Still on the list for this evening: I have to package up the little doll outfit that sold on Etsy, and make a little pack for my dog so that she'll have supplies during her stay at my mom's house.

I also, somewhere in there, need to order more copies of my latest book so I can send one to my mom and one to a contest winner; and, I need to order more pregnancy tests so that I can POAS to my heart's content when we get back from Greece.

This afternoon, Kaitlin has a dentist appointment to get the cap on one of her teeth fixed. Also, I got instructions from my doctor to begin taking 5 estrogen pills a day from today through Wednesday. Wednesday will also be our last Lupron injection; no injection on Thursday, instead we're increasing estrogen to 6 pills/day and adding 4 200mg Progesterone/day. Heparin starts after the transfer (ugh...)

Tomorrow, Kaitlin's going to get home from work, make us some sandwiches, and bring sandwiches, dog, and dog pack down to my work, where she'll pick me up. Then we have to drive together down to my mom's house, drop dog off, and drive home.

Wednesday morning we'll have to get up early, finish packing, get dressed, make sure the cats have clean boxes and plenty of water, and I think we have a friend taking us to the airport. Plane takes off at 11, and from then on it's just traveling, getting to the hotel, and getting to the doctor's office at 11 on Friday for an ultrasound.

This is going to be it, right? I feel like it will be.

In the meantime, this was on my Facebook feed today.

IVF#3 CD12 - We Have Travel Dates

Got an email back from Embio this morning, saying that they expect the embryo transfer will be sometime between the 17th and the 20th... so I bought our plane tickets. It takes two days to get to Greece, just one to get home, because of the time difference. We're leaving at about 11 AM on Wednesday the 15th, arriving at about 4:30 PM on Thursday the 16th, with a 3 hour layover in Paris.  On the way home we'll head out at around 11 AM and be home by 9:30 PM on Tuesday the 21st. I've asked for the 22nd off of work too, so that there will be plenty of time to do bed rest before going back to work.

Since the hotel I wanted was sold out I found another one that does have a nice outdoor pool, and the reviews say that the food is good and the wifi signal is free and accessible from the rooms. That's pretty much all I really want - oh, and the beds don't look super hard, at least not in the pictures. I'm learning that those European hotels really seem to like rock-hard mattresses, ugh. So this time around we're staying at the Civitel Attik Rooms and Apartments. We're also flying on American Airlines/US Airways instead of Delta, which I'm kind of happy about. I haven't had the best experience with Delta, particularly during my last trip... so it's nice to see what a different airline has to offer. (And best of all, NO LAYOVER AT JFK. I'm really happy about that.)

So here we go, I guess... Now begins the whirlwind. I have four business days left to get a work coverage plan together and get all of my work caught up and arranged before I leave. I have one weekend to finish cleaning projects and pack. And somewhere in there, I have to get the 4500 Euro wired to Embio's Swiss bank. In the meantime, taking my estrogen and Lupron and waiting for further medication instructions.

Now back to work... so much to do, so little time!

IVF#3 CD11 - Getting Closer

Had my second ultrasound of the cycle today. Lining is up to 7.1 mm. It was 7.4 at the second scan last cycle, so that makes me pretty convinced we'll end up in Greece next week. I sent the results off to Embio and am waiting for their response. I'm going to shoot for being there for another week... while I don't like taking so much time off of work, ultrasounds cost me over $300 here, and yet are free there. I can save $300 just by arriving a little early and hanging out until the transfer date. I also think it's a good way to relax and unwind before the transfer. And, while I don't like being away from work for so long, it's not like I don't have a TON of leave hours. ^^;

So, waiting for travel dates. SUPER grateful that Embio's bank account, where I wire my treatment payments, is in Switzerland and not Greece, because the foreign exchange service I'm using is currently unable to send any money to Greek banks. We have to make sure we take enough cash in Euros to be able to feed ourselves, pay for meds, and pay for taxis while we're there, since it sounds like all their ATMs are pretty much out of service.

I'm a little bummed because the hotel I was hoping to stay at has sold out. I really wanted to stay at a hotel with a pool this time around, because it's going to be blazing hot. I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to swim after the transfer, but that doesn't mean I can't hang by the pool and put my feet in the water. :P Still, if it's going to be ridiculously expensive I'll probably have to just suck it up and stay wherever is most economical. We won't really know what our options are until we know our travel dates, though.

Still feeling good about this cycle... and I've been able to pretty much successfully keep myself thinking positive, which is not an easy feat, let me tell you. :P But I've been preoccupying myself with Korean drama and thoughts of our "It's A Small World" nursery (I actually bounced out of bed this morning and chattered Kaitlin's ear off about it as she was trying to get ready for work, LOL.)

Kaitlin was off at an event all last weekend, and I had a three-day weekend because of the holiday. And how, you may ask, did I decide to spend all this luxurious free time? Why, CLEANING. Yeah. For THREE DAYS. I scrubbed and swept and mopped and wiped and reorganized and sorted until every bone in my body was exhausted. And while there are still a couple rooms in the house I haven't gotten to yet, the nice, neat, clean rooms is really making me happy. I've been making Kaitlin keep it nice, too, for the past few days. :P This weekend I'll be enlisting her help to do the same with the kitchen and the office.

I also came up with some healthy, balanced lunch-snack-packs for her to grab and take with her to work in the morning... which will hopefully result in her ingesting a greater number of vegetables in her daily diet. :P And with my car and my house clean, and my little fridge at work full of salad and veggies and healthy stuff, and my desk at work pretty clear, I am feeling lovely about life at the moment. I can't wait to get to Greece, pick up our babies and bring them home. <3 We're ready.

So next on the babymaking schedule is to get travel dates, request time off work, buy plane tickets and hotel reservations, get cash to take with us, wire the treatment fee to Embio before we go, and pack. In the meantime, nightly Lupron shots and estrogen during the day... and stop Lupron / start progesterone once the doc says to. Then we travel out there, get a scan, hang out for a couple days, do the transfer, start heparin (of all of it that's the part I hate most), hang out on bed rest for as long as possible, come home... and wait for that second pink line to show up on a pregnancy test.

This being our third round, all this insanity is actually starting to feel kind of routine. As if it's no big deal to plunk down a few thousand dollars and fly halfway round the globe on a few days' notice. I was thinking this morning how amazing it is that we can leave Denver and arrive in Athens in the same amount of time that it would take to drive from Denver to Portland, or Denver to Austin. And once you've gone to the same "exotic" faraway city several times, it starts feeling familiar, as if it's really not THAT far away after all. It really is a small world, after all. *insert groans of cheesiness here*

Bracing myself for the insanity of progesterone. Now that we've been around the block a few times I think I've figured out that while Lupron gives me hot flashes and insomnia, and estrogen can make me moody, it's the darned progesterone that really turns me into a crazy person. Combined with the uncertainty of the TWW and nightly nasty fat-needle heparin shots, I wear down so fast while I'm on it. I think a little more self-awareness may help this time around - at least I hope it will. I'm going to remind myself that all the negativity and anxiety and panic and stress isn't actually me, it's the meds. And that I've got this. No matter what happens with this roll of the dice, I've got this. Everything's going to be okay.

One way or another, there will come a day when we are moms.

Bring it on.

IVF#3 CD5 - This Will Be Our Month

I've been avoiding blogging much lately. It's too easy, when I'm actively blogging, to be reminded of all the unfulfilled hope we've encountered so far... too easy to focus on unknowns and start angsting. I've been trying something different this time around, and every time an "is this round going to fail too" thought comes into my head, I've been repeating "this one will work, this one will work.". To the point where I kind of actually believe it.

The odds are way, way in our favor at this point. Our clinic has a 70% success rate - it worked the first time, but we miscarried. It didn't work the second time. Statistics say this should be the one. And things this round are going a lot more similarly to our first round, where we got SO close. For the second round I was on Lupron for ages before finally getting permission to start the estrogen. But this time, I've only been on it for eleven days, and they're having me start estrace today. I just have a better feeling about it, overall.

So here's a sum-up since my last post: We started Lupron on the 21st. Compared to the heparin shots, the lupron is actually pretty painless (in spite of my ongoing fear of needles.) My period started on the 28th, later than I expected. I had an ultrasound on the 30th (CD3) and my lining is just over 5mm. The doctor in Greece says that's good, so as of today I start the estrogen regimen - one pill for two days, two pills for two days, three pills for three days, and then four pills until transfer - usually another 4-5 days out. I have to go in for another ultrasound on 7/8, next Wednesday.

Though they don't have exact travel dates yet, that puts us in Greece around the second/third week of July -- that's in two weeks! And I just keep telling myself that we're going to Greece to pick up our babies and bring them home. That this one is going to be our month. Due date would be in April - I like that.

I went to the baby shower that I was nervous about. I think the best way to describe how I felt being there was happy and wistful. I did get to hold the tiny baby, who was so sweet and precious, and my friend asked whether we were going to be trying for a baby soon. I managed not to launch a huge me-me-me conversation (I think) so yay for that. :P And other than twinges of envy over the cute nursery and precious baby, I was actually pretty darn okay - happy to be there, to get to hold the baby and share in my friends' joy for their newborn. I had a good time AND my friend even suggested, when she handed me her baby to hold for a little bit, that he would be a good luck charm for us. ♥ Here's hoping!

We've been saving HARD and will have just JUST enough for this third attempt without having to float much on a credit card, I think. I've decided that if my intuition is wrong and this isn't it for us either, I'll be spending the next six months or so, while we save up for another go, on SlimFast and the Couch to 5K program, to try and drop the 15 pounds or so that I've gained over the last two years from all the meds. I know I'll feel better, overall, if I can get my body back into shape during the break - the weight gain certainly hasn't helped when it comes to the frustrations of this whole process.

In the meantime, though, my name change has been submitted at work and I'm just waiting for a new email, new network login, etc. so I can announce it to pretty much everybody and start using it. I won't change it on my passport, bank account or credit cards until after we get  back from Greece, though, since I don't want there to be any issues while we're traveling.

And of course I can't not mention that last Friday, 6/26/15, the Supreme Court mandated that all of the United States MUST allow same-sex couples to marry. Colorado has already been issuing licenses for about six months, but this is just huge. Our plan was always to elope after I got pregnant, and after the baby was born spend a little time saving up (and I could get back into wedding-dress shape) so we could throw a wedding. But if this next round doesn't work, I think we'll probably talk about doing the elopement anyway - it won't be nearly as expensive, I don't think, if we don't travel out of state for it. And then Kaitlin can change her name too ^~ Not to mention the medical benefits!

It's good to have a contingency plan. But for now I'm going to keep chanting it: This Will Be Our Month. This Will Be Our Month. I even wrote it on a bit of paper and taped it to my computer monitor at work ...

I Would Die For That

Someone posted this song on the NorthWest Andrology forums and I basically had to close my office door and take a moment to bawl my eyes out. This is basically my heart song at the moment.

So not a whole lot of exciting updates right now. We were supposed to go hiking for my birthday, but after driving the three hours into the mountains it turned out that the trail was flooded due to all the rain and they wouldn't let us up. So we kept going into Glenwood Springs instead, and went to the Glenwood Cavern Adventure Park. It cost a lot more than what I was planning to spend on my birthday, but we did have a good time - took a cave tour, and rode a couple of the rides, and generally just acted goofy.

Since the hiking trail we planned for today was closed, we're on a team headed for Glenwood Caverns Adventure Park instead. Kaitlin is very excited.

A photo posted by Meg (@meghannmccall) on Jun 14, 2015 at 11:12am PDT

Also confirmed that we start Lupron on the 21st, which is this coming Sunday. Pride is this weekend, and I'll be there at a booth with my books and some of the other authors from my publishing house. It should be a good time, even if I do have to start getting shots again. I got my updated social security card, and went to the DMV last week, but haven't gotten my new driver's license in the mail yet - once that comes in I can actually start changing my name on everything, especially at work. Since work is where I spend the vast majority of my life, I think it will feel a lot more like a "real" change once I'm able to use my name there...

Anyway, we're doing okay in terms of savings for our third round. Trying to think positive... the odds are that it should really, really work this time. But it's also hard to think about what we'll do next if it doesn't. Since thinking about getting pregnant is way more fun, I'm trying to focus on dreaming about that instead. But dreaming is dangerous. *Sigh* Still, I only have two choices: spend the next few weeks anxious, or spend them excited. Neither one will have any effect on the outcome, most likely, but they'll have a big effect on our quality of life.

So, excited it is. :P

I have a baby shower to attend for a friend next weekend. I'm halfway SUPER excited, and halfway nervous. On the one hand, I get to hold a tiny baby (SQUEE) and see my friends and congratulate them. On the other (insert major selfishness) they have a baby and I don't, and I am jealous. I have a big mouth, and it's going to be really hard to not blurt out to everybody that we're trying to have a baby too and it's been so hard and expensive and taken so much time and wah, wah, wah, me, me, me when it's THEIR party for their new little family. So I'm doing my best to focus on being happy for THEM (because I am!) without making it about myself.

So yeah... that's where we're at right now. Lupron, then the start of my next AF, then another $500 ultrasound / bloodwork, then weeks more of Lupron while we wait for Embio to tell us when we should plan to be there and when the transfer date will be... waiting and waiting and more waiting...

IVF Barbie, Not Giving Up And Other Fun

Found this post today that made me laugh: IVF Barbie

I definitely remember being Newbie Barbie, and Joiner Barbie too. And I am reminded, as I stare down my 36th birthday this month, my pregnant friends and family, friends with newborns, and pictures of babies all over my facebook feed, that technically I haven't actually reached full on Veteran Barbie status yet. I've gained weight from all the meds - about 15 pounds - and I do have some gray hair (which I keep colored.) My poor tummy has had its moments of bruises and puncture marks so bad that it looks diseased. But in the grand scheme of things, I've got time. So many folks on various boards are 38, 40, 42 and are still trying. Even if I decided to try up until my 40th birthday I'd still have four more years of attempts left. So far I've done 4 ICIs, 3 Clomid IUIs, 3 injectable IUIs, transferred five donor embryos, made two trips to Greece, and endured one six week miscarriage. That's actually only twelve cycles, total, even if they were spread out over the course of five years. Pretty sure there are an awful lot of veteran ladies who would shake their heads at all my angst and think "Girl, you ain't seen nothing yet."

And though I eye my bank account, our budgets, and the HELOC slapped against my house, the truth is that four years is a good long time. I could pay the entire HELOC off almost twice over in that time. So if a July attempt doesn't work and we have to take a 7-8 month break, is it really that big of a deal?

The same blogger has another post that really hit home: When Is It Time To Stop Trying?

I will admit, I've had moments of "Why am I even doing this? Maybe all this failure is a sign from the universe that I am not meant to be a mom. Should I be investing this energy into acceptance of a childfree life?"

And then I feel guilty. If I'm considering giving up, then I must not want it badly enough. Quitters are just people who aren't adequately motivated, aren't they? It's hard not to believe, in my weakest and most discouraged moments, that there really is some entity outside myself - the universe, fate, God - that is actively denying me a baby. The really ironic thing is that no one's actually SAID that to me, but I have this overwhelming suspicion that if the rest of the world knew everything we'd done up to this point to try and get pregnant, they'd all be thinking it... "Sheesh, obviously you're not meant to be a mom, get over it." I am projecting my own mean little inner voice onto my friends and family, the assumption that they would all dismiss my repeated failures as God's plan for my life.

And I know that this comes from my childhood, the way that I was raised in an ultra-religious bubble and taught to be judgy and condescending and superior when others were going through crises. Must be God's plan for your life, dear, be content with it...

It's those naysaying thoughts... the idea that a higher power wants to prevent me from being a mom, combined with the guilt that entertaining that thought means I don't want this badly enough, that are probably the most powerful depressants in this whole infertility war. And they battle it out with the  surviving vestiges of my NewbieBarbie self, who is still stubbornly popping up in the corner (albeit her glitter makeup is starting to look a little worse for wear) and cheerily shouting "Baby dust! Power of positive thinking! If I can do it so can you! Success stories! Pregnancy magic! Still plenty of time and money, where there's a will there's a way! Winners never quit!"

I wish there was a way I could live as NewbieBarbie. Literally choose not to acknowledge failure, to keep my eye on the prize with confidence every second of the day, spread nothing but encouragement and positivity, and live my life in between cycles with joy and carefreeness and the certainty that my baby's coming eventually. There are a few people in this world who are able to live that way. My inner judgy self usually decides they're ditzes. So unconnected with reality, maddeningly lost in fantasy, irresponsible, taking each day as it comes and never concerning themselves with how it will affect tomorrow. Romantical and ridiculous. Today I envy them. Today I think there's something I could probably learn from that kind of attitude.

In other news, my new name is now on file with the DMV. Waiting to get my social security and DMV cards in the mail, and then I can change my name here at work and on all my other stuff...

Oh, and I still haven't heard back from the Greek clinic to confirm when I'm supposed to start Lupron injections. Finally just went ahead and emailed the doctor today. Hopefully that will get me an answer...

My Favorite Month of the Year

Ever since I was a kid, June has always been my favorite month of the year. Probably because it's the month of my birthday... but also because it's the start of summer, my favorite season; it always meant the end of school; the weather is finally warm and sunny again; and for me it always feels like a new beginning. A New Year's, of sorts, even if it's six months later than everybody else celebrates it.

So I guess it's apropos that AF started yesterday, on June 1st, and my Lupron shipment arrived at the same time. That means we should be starting Lupron around the 21st or so of this month, and CD1 of our next cycle attempt will be around the 24th.

My birthday is next week. I love birthdays, though neither of us has money for much of anything this year. I think we'll go out to dinner, maybe go see a movie. Usually I like to do something kind of big on my birthday, a staycation or some activity I've always wanted to try, but I would gladly trade that for a successful cycle in July. I'm not going to take the day off work. Kind of a shame,  because my birthday's a Friday this year and it will be seven years before it's on Friday again, but I'm conserving vacation days for our next upcoming attempt and, with any luck, maternity leave.

I could sit around and feel sorry for myself, but I'd rather look at it as a trade... that my birthday present this year will be a sticky BFP in August. That's all I really want, anyway. Nothing, no other gift could compare, and I would trade every other present I ever have or will receive if I could just have that.

Still, I'm doing my best not to think too much about it this time. The roller coaster of longing, fear, anxiety and doubt is too exhausting. I end up worrying myself into a little knot of unfulfilled hope, where every breath I take is accompanied by a will-it-work-this-time thought, and I'm sure it's not doing anything but possibly making my body less hospitable for implantation. It certainly isn't *helping.*  I'm really not looking forward to resuming medication - the hot flashes on Lupron, the uncontrollable mood swings and congestion of estrogen, the constant peeing and meaningless pregnancy-symptoms of progesterone. Not really excited about the jet lag and the looooooong flight either.

But, I am excited by the idea of being in Athens in July. It will be hot, which maybe means a hotel with a pool, maybe even a trip to the beach. I haven't been to a beach in five years. But I am sitting on my butt with my legs up for TWO WHOLE DAYS after the transfer, this time. Period. There's so little that I can do to actually help make this work, and that's a simple one.

In the meantime, trying to distract myself. I'm selling what I can on Ebay, and helping Kaitlin do the same. She sold her living room set, the one that's been living in our garage for three years, so she can finally park her car in the garage again and she was able to put a little extra into savings so that she can come to Greece this time. I'm spending way more time than I should window-shopping online for cute, feminine, pink-and-lacy clothes (I wonder if all this estrogen I've been pumping myself with for the last eighteen months has fired up my girly-girl side?). I'm sewing cute little doll clothes, even put a set on Etsy to see if anybody would like it. I'm watching 24 with Kaitlin, and a new Korean drama series by myself. I'm putting together cute summery outfits to wear to work, and playing with my dog. I'm trying to keep the house clean, and planning spring-cleaning type projects. We even trimmed back our big lilac trees in the backyard over the weekend, and now there is a pile of branches hanging out back there that we'll have to spend this coming weekend breaking down into sacks for the trash people.

Just staying busy, trying not to think too much, and trying to pick positive thoughts when the thinking is inevitable. Trying to keep myself from feeling like this is our "last chance". Trying to remind myself that this won't be over until I say it is.

And trying to stay focused on how wonderful it is that it's finally June.